Drifters (2013) s02e02 Episode Script

Morning.
Oh, God, we did, didn't we? You are too easy, Mark.
You need to work on that.
Erm I wanted an early night last night.
I wasn't planning on a bonk down memory lane either.
Charming.
Your words.
This is never happening again.
Can you pass me some pants, please? I need to storm off.
Oh! Morning, gorgeous.
David.
Oh, yeah, I remember.
Just It's weird, I feel like I've been here before? I would definitely remember you.
And Mr and Mrs Thatcher.
Aspirin? Yeah.
David, is it OK if you pick your mum up from hospital this afternoon? Bunny? Michael.
Dad? Oh, shit! Madam.
What's going on? I wanted to surprise you.
What happened to waking me up with a titwank? Doesn't feel like that surprises you any more.
And you deserve better than that.
What's going on? Laura, calm down.
Who is she? Are you filming this? No, I just want to look after you! Why are you dressed nice? Would you shut up and let me treat you proper, you stupid cow! Well, Gary Look, I've made this for you because you're fit and always hungry.
You take a bite first.
It's a new low.
I had to do the sprint of shame.
I've shagged Leeds and his father.
I'm lapping myself.
It's either become a lesbian or I move to Manchester.
Are you trying to tell me you've shagged Gary? What?! NO! God, the very thought of Gary makes me want to sew up my own vagina.
Good.
Sorry.
It's just he's being weird.
Like nice.
And he wants to do something special tonight because he wants to ask me something.
Excuse moi? Yeah, and this was all after breakfast, flowers and a fanny massage.
Oh, my God, he wants you to Piss on his face, I know.
It was going to come up eventually, always does.
Does it, though? Babes, he's going to ask you to marry him.
Shut up.
Sounds like it, mate.
But it's Gary! I know, it's not ideal.
I thought I'd end up marrying someone with a job and the normal amount of pubic hair.
Hang on.
Do you mean you'd say yes? Shut up! Anyway, you need money to get married, and I'm brassic.
Malcolm still hasn't paid us this week.
Meg, you did give our invoices in, didn't you? What? You said you were going to do it! Oh, Meg, you pillock! Now we've got no money for the weekend.
How am I going to get any action? Action? There are literally no more fish left in the sea, Bunny.
I hate to come across all Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall but you've got to let the stocks replenish.
Technically, this is an emergency so, Laura, we could dip into your savings.
If you can find 'em.
I got Gary to hide them from me.
I bit him once, he still wouldn't tell me.
Maybe this is exactly what we need! A night to reconnect as women.
Not spend money, not chase trouser.
Yeah, we can talk about Laura being a wife! Shut up! Hey.
Hi.
You all right? Yeah! What's in the box, Scott? Erm, it's What's in the bo-o-ox? Seven.
Brad Pitt.
"What's in the bo-o-o-ox?!" Seriously, what's in the box? I'll replace it.
Don't worry.
I've got a box you can have.
Um not my fanny.
Wow.
Um Sorry! This sweet little granny just dropped a tenner at the bus stop.
Had to wait until she got on the bus before I could pick the tenner up.
Bingo! Oh.
Oh, hello.
You must be neighbour Scott? Yeah, I guess I am! You must be the famous Granny Exploiter.
Oh, you've heard of me - are you in the trade? I'm afraid not.
I'm training to be a counsellor.
It's boring.
Really.
No, it's fascinating.
I'm Bunny, it's nice to meet you.
OK! Er So what are you going to do with your spoils? I'm going to go to a bar.
I'm a sucker for gin and good company.
Well, if I can help you at all, maybe tomorrow? Can't! What? Can't tomorrow, because of the thing.
What thing? The girls' night in.
Remember? Ha.
Yes.
You promised, remember? Hey, guys.
Wa-hey, corridor party! Hey, Mark.
Can I leave you my spare key later for the handyman? Oh, careful! He might sneak in while you're sleeping and give you head.
Er course, yeah, yeah.
Whenever you like.
Hah! Oh, God.
"Neighbour Scott" does not do him justice.
From now on he is "hot Scott", OK? Huh! You think he's hot? Are you kidding? Yorkshire Water should put a reservoir in my gusset.
That is disgusting.
Why did you fanny-block me, Meg? I did not! See, if my friend-cousin, in serious vaginal need, might I add, had super sizzling chemistry with a man in a corridor, I would never have done what you just did out there.
Well, what if your friend-cousin saw him in the corridor first, and was employing subtle reeling-him-in-slowly techniques, which you just shat all over? I'd tell her she probably only wants Corridor Man because I thought he was a hot potato! Oh, really? Yeah, really! Then your friend-cousin was foolish to assume that her plans for future romantic happiness might have been more important than you getting your skanky leg over! Again! Hi, Scott.
Hi, Scott.
Bye, Scott.
Bye, Scott.
Bye Actually, I'm not going anywhere.
Yeah, we were just about to go for beers.
All right, cool.
Where we off? Talk to me.
No way! I'm gluten intolerant, too! You were lucky, I found out the hard way.
I can't believe you make your own bread, that's so clever.
It's not as hard as people think.
I can show you if you like? Yes! Wow.
Yes, I would like.
When? Tomorrow? Tomorrow night? How's tomorrow night? Isn't tomorrow night girls' night? Dammit.
How about Tuesday? What's happening Tuesday? Oh, just going to bake some really good bread.
Oh, God grief.
It's such torture.
Oh, God.
It grips my body like a thousand fingering hands.
Oh, God.
Stephen Jesus, what's happening? Stephen is dead! Dead! Deep breaths.
Who is Stephen? Your rabbit Stephen? He was murdered.
When you were 11.
I just I need to be held.
That's not very professional! Every case is different.
Can I have a gin and tonic, please? Oh, no! I don't have any money.
What are you doing?! Don't do it! I'm fluffing the cushion! I'm sorry! OK.
Carry on.
You're fucking mental.
Yes, I am.
And mental people are unpredictable, Gary, so don't ask me anything stupid.
I mean it, choose your words carefully.
OK.
So.
You are here a lot.
What's your point? Well, I thought maybe you could, like, live here officially, you know, move in.
Put your name on the tenancy, pay rent Oh, my God! You want money? No, it's not about that.
Oh, that is fucking charming.
It all makes sense now, cleaning the flat, this date, letting me have the skins No, Laura, I want us to live together.
Cheap bastard! I thought you were going to ask me to What? So all this has been about getting my money, has it? You think I'm some sort of cash pig? Cash pig? Get me my savings, I'm leaving.
I can't do that.
I will bite again, Gary.
Any excuse.
No, I can't because Oh, I borrowed it, OK? It's been an expensive month what with the flowers and the chicken Oh, you little shit, Gary.
We are over! Over! And that includes not having sex any more.
Laura, please! Mine! This whole time.
Thieving bloomin' gold digger! He's probably spending it on prostitutes and gambling and massages and prostitutes.
Mate.
At least you have your girls' night.
Ugh! Sounds so shit! Happy to open it out to the boys.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
Tomorrow night is a girls' night.
What have you got planned? Ah! It's going to be a lot of fun.
What is the capital of Hungary? Yes, Laura? Who gives a fuck? Right.
Well, if you're not going to play properly What the fuck is this? Am I in an exam or what? Come on, Meg.
Where's the booze? The bottle of wine is there.
The bottle of wine.
Singular? Can someone get that? It's Scott.
Hi, Scott.
Hello, Scott.
Whoa! You all right, Meg? Yeah, just chillin'.
Hey, dude, sorry about that.
Let's go.
Great.
Here's the spare key.
Cheers for that.
No problem.
Let's leave these girls to it.
Wait, Scott.
Do you want a drink? Um, I think I'll just get one at the pub, if that's OK? OK.
Bye.
Listen, Bun, I don't want you to get your hopes up about Scott.
It's just me and him are like Never going to fuck? Actually, he told me he's got a problem with gingers.
Yeah, freak him out.
More the skin than the hair.
Anyway, he's invited me over to his flat on Tuesday to make sweet and tender bread on his kitchen counter.
So, it's real.
Oh, whatever.
Good luck making sandwiches without Mark coming to the picnic.
Bored.
Let's start.
I have a list of fun.
Oh, Jesus, Meg, can we at least open the wine first? Is that all we had? There's Ribena in Mark's cupboard.
Don't dilute it.
Similar high.
I don't think I've ever been this bored.
Might just have to have a wank in the bathroom.
Can we start with the fun, please? And open! Spirit, if you have something to say, show us a sign.
Hungry.
Grapevine.
And back.
Clap.
Rodeo.
Take it back, guys.
Anything but this.
This is torture.
Fine.
Got any better ideas? Go to the pub! Guys, we don't need men or money to have a good time.
You just don't want these puppies near Hot Scott.
He's not into big puppies or he wouldn't have invited these puppies round for bread.
If those are puppies, then these are Great Danes.
Woopsie.
Right.
Either we are going out or I am shaving her eyebrows off.
Guys, we can achieve this.
We are girls, this is the night-time and we are in.
Truth or Dare? All right.
Truth.
When was the last time you were fanny stabbed? Sex? Yeah, and if it were longer than ten months ago you have to do a 'bena shot.
Just drink it, Meg.
I can't.
You have to.
There's no booze.
I can't because .
.
I had sex with Mark two nights ago! Oh, my God.
All the way in? All the way in, yeah.
Right.
Serious punishment.
The memory alone is punishment enough.
Give me a break.
I'm still itchy from it.
Sneak into Scott's flat.
What? Brilliant.
Sneak into Scott's flat, nick a bottle of booze and then lick everything in his fridge, and then for that we will give you a break.
Oh, shit! God, fit flat.
I'm on the booze hunt.
Lick the fridge.
Guys, I'm having a really extreme reaction to this.
I'm panic attacking.
Guys, it's starting to make me feel physically sick.
Bingo! Oh, shit on my face.
Come and have a look at his history.
"How to kill a mouse humanely," "Make your own Mother's Day card.
" God, he sounds lovely.
Oh, my God.
So he is a fan of Great Danes after all.
Big ones.
I really think we shouldn't be here.
This is tequila! You know tequila makes me hurl! Well, I'm not leaving till you lick the fridge.
Guys, we are going to break somethi Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
OK, Don't panic, just Be sick again.
Oh, my God.
Back to flat - now.
Best night ever! We have to find a way to get the puke! "Get" the puke?! Shit! They're coming! Oh, hi! I thought I heard something! Do you fancy a drink now, Scott? I've actually got to make a private phone call.
But, yeah, sure, afterwards.
I'd really like that.
Oh, so you are just going into your flat now then, Scott? Right now? Yes, but he will be back! Oh, my God.
Oh, God, please come help me! Help her! Help her! You OK? One is bigger than the other! We need a second opinion.
Look, this phone call is really urgent.
But I won't be long.
You can't go.
Why not? Because we were going to play a game of spin the bottle! The three of you? Girls' night in.
Standard.
Oh! Laura, don't do that.
I'm your girl! You can't just give this all up! Are you playing spin the bottle?! No, actually.
We were playing truth or dare.
Want to play? I'll do anything for you, babe.
All right.
Truth.
Did you steal all my money? Some of it, yeah.
But Right, I really need to make that phone call.
Don't you fucking move.
Gary.
Dare.
I'll do anything.
Dance for us.
You know I can't do that.
I can't dance.
I'd rather eat my own shit.
Oh, please make him do that.
Do it.
OK, Gary.
You can stop now.
Gary, stop.
This is how much I love you, Laura.
Gary! That is the most romantic thing you've ever done.
You wanker.
We need booze.
There has to be something to drink here.
Hold on.
Is anything going on between you and Meg? Me and Meg? No.
Absolutely nothing.
Except sex.
Occasionally.
Two nights ago.
Flatmate with benefits, sort of thing.
Could say that, yeah.
Here, take this back.
I'll go make that phone call and be right over.
Which one? I think it might be the left, but if I may By all means.
Bunny, I put the sick in a bag.
He did a poo in front of me.
Now I'm locked in.
Come and get me before I start self-harming.
Meg, it's Mark.
How did you get locked in there? Why the fucking cupboard? I'm claustro-fucking-phobic, dick.
Oh, God, the grief! Counsel me, Scott! How sad are you? Tell me how fucking sad you are! Oh, I'm so, so sad, sad, sad.
Oh, God, I've got an aching hole in me! Just fill it.
Fill it.
Fill it! Fuckin' hell, Scott.
Oh, God, Scott! That better be a coat-hanger.
In your trousers.
Oh, my God, Mark! Sh! I can't breathe.
This isn't happ Oh, no.
I'm dying.
What the fuck?! Meg! Oh, shit it.
Can you explain yourself, please? Oh, sure.
Sure, I can explain myself, Bunny.
Shall I explain how I got stuck in the flat after cleaning up all the sick from the carpet, after you dared me to break in? Yeah, and then I had to watch Scott do a poo.
Shall I explain how I got stuck in the fucking closet while I watched my best friend shag the bloke I'd told countless times that I fancied? Yes, I fancy you, Scott.
I fancy you.
Did you know that? I thought you were going out with Mark? I didn't actually say that.
Mark?! This is just great.
Thanks very fucking much, guys.
Mark? Perfect.
Can you at least wait for me to fucking leave?! Night, then! Sorry, Meg, I'm not really in the mood.
You have an erection.
Yeah, but I'd rather just save that for myself.
Oh, God! Oh, God, yes! Shut up!