Eastbound & Down s02e02 Episode Script

Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- Look at me, Mom.
Look at me, Mom.
- Oh, yeah.
Get it Daddy.
- I feel like I could go all fucking night.
- But you only paid for an hour, baby.
Oh, right.
No, but if I had paid for more, then I could - Oh, God.
- Let it all out.
Get a good return on that dollar.
- That's it.
Gone on, get it.
- Oh, God.
You know, I didn't even know you ho's took credit cards until recently.
Well, baby, some do and some don't.
The good ones do though.
Do you remember servicing this man? Oh, maybe.
Who is he? He's just an old friend that I've been looking for.
Oh, so you wanted to fuck me because your friend fucked me? Nope, I wanted to walk a mile in his shoes.
And today's shoes just happened to be a big old pair of comfy black boots.
- Bitch, don't call me no boots.
- Can I ask you another question? How was he? Oh, so you wanna know if he was better than you? No, I just wanna know what he was like.
That motherfucker was an animal.
Chapter Eight: Joining the new team.
Over the course of my career, I played on many different teams.
Some I liked, and some I really fucking hated.
I'm not mentioning any names, but let's just say Seattle can tongue-kiss my shit hole.
The best way to get a new team on your side is to trash the last team you played for.
Talk shit about how their fans suck and their women have pancake titties.
And if that doesn't work, then just like prison you pick the biggest, baddest dude on the team and you kick him in his fucking teeth.
- That's right.
Strike out.
- Yeah, good.
Hey, buddy, don't beat yourself up.
You pretty much had the whole entire force of God coming at you.
How fast was that? Felt like about 100.
- Last one was 90.
- Oh, no shit.
Maybe you should get your radar gun recalibrated.
Maybe.
Maybe you should ice that shoulder.
It's been a while.
Stay focused, and you're gonna do just fine.
That's real cute, Roger, but you can save your pep talk for somebody who needs it.
I got this comeback locked down tight like a little girl's tuna.
Well, we'll see about that, huh? This is totally locked down tight like a girl's private parts, who's small.
Locker-room talk, baby.
Mr.
Powers.
Petrus Marcos.
What the hell you doing trying to creep on me? I work for Mr.
Cisneros, the owner of the Charros, your new boss.
- He would like to meet you.
- Well, where the fuck is he? Follow me.
You luring me into a rape or something? What is this? Not bad.
This is one hell of a pussy palace, huh? Lot of marbles and architectures and shit.
Flying buttresses.
A lot of original artworks.
Very impressive.
Mr.
Cisneros is training with his sensei.
Sensei? - Kenny Powers is here.
- Okay.
That will be it for today.
Kenny Powers.
- Man, it's a pleasure to meet you, man.
- Hey, good to meet you too, man.
That's a nice sword.
I didn't even know Asian dudes lived in Mexico and you got one training you to be a ninja.
Impressive.
Oh, no, no, no.
He's not from Mexico.
I fly him from Tokyo, man.
Straight from the tap.
Oh, high roller, huh? Goddamn, look at that view.
Seeing this house, your fine sword and hearing how you're importing Chinamen - let me guess, you must be fucking rich.
- Yeah.
It's cool.
How much exactly does it cost to buy a Mexican baseball team? Ten bucks and a burrito? That's racism, man.
I love to racism, bro.
I could tell by the look in your face you didn't think there was any rich people in Mexico.
I definitely didn't think there was anybody with any money down here.
You seem pretty young, vato.
How'd you snag all this loot? Well, my parents died in, like, a plane crash and, you know, my pappy, he died right away but my mommy, she lingered so it was a tough decision, man, but I had to pull the plug, you know? I killed my mother.
It's okay.
That's pretty heavy stuff.
That must suck.
Yeah, it sucks to be an orphan.
But you know what doesn't suck? Being a millionaire.
I see it does have its advantages.
You know, me and you, we have more in common than you realize.
I, too, am very, very wealthy.
I'm also an orphan.
My dad ran out on me when I was just a kid.
All he left was a batch of hepatitis on the toilet seat.
Yeah, had to build my whole empire from the ground up by myself, solo.
- And you were famous at one point.
- I'm still pretty famous.
- Still have a lot of fame.
- Yeah, okay, man.
I wanna cut right to the chase.
How can I help you? Well, I'll tell you how you can help me, Sebastian.
You do realize when I take the mound this Friday night it's the first time Kenny Powers has taken the mound in a long time.
It's a fucking big deal.
And not just to me to you, to the whole team, to the fucking villagers, everybody.
Okay, I got it.
Do you want me to get the publicity department to organize, like, the pictures and to supply the rainbows and the unicorns, all the stuff you were saying? - We're fucking sharing a brain right here.
- That's it, man.
I want this shit to have the pageantry of a goddamn Alabama concert.
Talking about fireworks, smoke bombs, laser beams, moonwalks.
You know how your people lit up the Alamo? - That's the shit I'm talking about.
- You're like a showman, man.
I get it.
Yes, like a show - No, not like a showman.
Part entertainer? Yes, of course.
I kind of consider myself more like a retired gunfighter being called out of retirement for one more fucking showdown.
Can I ask you one question? Do you plan on just having one showdown or is it going to be a lot of showdowns? - Multiple showdowns.
- Multiple showdowns? I'm not trying to sign a goddamn Mexican contract or no shit.
We'll take it game by game, but I'm definitely playing more than one game.
- You guarantee that.
- Done.
Everything you want, man.
It's done.
To you, man.
- Kenny! - Oh, shit! - Oh, Kenny, you shot me! - Oh, shit! Come on, stop screaming.
Stop fucking screaming.
Oh, my God! Kenny! - What the fuck are you doing here? - I came to find you.
I'm not doing too good, Kenny! All right.
This is gonna kill the infection.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
My bad.
That's margarita mix.
- Oh, God! - Don't go into shock! - I'm going into shock! - Don't go into shock.
- I'm going into shock.
- Stay awake.
Just stay awake.
I'll be right back.
You guys have any goddamn Band-Aids, Q-tips, Mercurochrome some Vagisil, shit like that, first-aid stuff? - Come on! - My sister Maria, she's a nurse.
You-You got blood.
You hurt or something? Yes, goddamn it.
We have a Rescue 911 situation.
Come on! Come on, weird woman! Go! Siesta.
Come on! - What happened? - I don't know.
- I think he shot himself in his leg.
- Fire.
My leg is on fire.
You're not on fire, Stevie.
You're in a bathtub, okay? These people are friends.
The lady one is gonna help you.
You can fix him, right? English, por favor.
She can fix him, but he's gonna have to stay put.
As in stay put here in my home? - Yes.
- All right, I mean I just really wasn't prepared to have guests.
- Good to see you, Kenny.
- Please don't speak.
Just get better.
Well, I see Sebastian put up some banners.
Yeah.
Nice banner.
I do hope you're kidding.
Looks like shit.
What's he doing, printing that from a JPEG? Motherfucker needs to use TIFF files.
My face looks computery and pixilated.
Actually, that's a lot of fanfare for the Charros.
Could be a major distraction to the team, Kenny.
- Oh, are some of the guys talking shit? - No, no, nothing like that.
- Getting jealous? - They're losing focus.
Oh, they're getting jealous.
Let me unify the team real quick.
Guys.
- Come on in here.
- We need you to warm up that arm.
Come on.
Can I get y'all to come in? Come on.
Let's go.
Come in.
Can we take a knee? Guys, can we take a knee? Knee.
Down on the knee.
Roger, help me out here, dude.
Come on, guys.
Okay.
Now, this Friday night, I guarantee you it is gonna be the biggest goddamn comeback celebration any of y'all have ever seen.
There's gonna be people cheering, and spotlights and fireworks.
I wouldn't doubt if a couple chicks show their pussies off.
How you say "pussy" in Spanish? I wouldn't doubt if some of the muchachas show their panochas off.
They might show their panochas off.
They might wave their panochas all over.
What I don't want to happen is to look around while everybody's cheering and celebrating me and see all my teammates pouting and being jealous little bitches.
Okay? Remember, there is no I in "team" but there is a U in "cunt," so don't be little jealous cunts.
Okay? Let me get the praise and just be satisfied with the fact that you will get the run-off panocha.
- You done? You done, Kenny? - Yeah, I'm done.
I don't know why we're fucking around.
We got a game to get ready for.
Come on.
Get into this shit.
- Come on, vamanos.
- Let's go, Kenny.
Get to work.
Let's do this shit.
Hello, this is Kenny Powers checking in, continuing his novel.
Still feeling pretty sad.
Got about a medium buzz on right now.
You are a majestic creature.
What is thy name, steed? What the hell you doing? Playing petting zoo, trying to get a fucking staph infection? I'm just checking out your new digs, man.
That donkey is pretty cool.
If you're walking around playing Doctor Doolittle, your leg must not be too bad.
No, I'm hurt pretty bad.
Being shot definitely hurts, Kenny.
Yeah, well so does having a gun go off by accident in your hand.
The middle of my palm's been stinging all day.
Almost like an itch burn.
I have fucking missed you, man.
I missed you a lot.
Did you miss me, man? I'm so glad to see you.
Yeah.
That's enough with the hugs, man.
Yeah, I missed you, big time.
Real quick, how the fuck did you find me? Oh, that mystery.
When the charges first started showing up on my credit card I thought, "This is fucking fraud," but then I looked a little bit closer at what was being purchased: - Beer, Jäger, lube, Magnum condoms.
- Not me.
Whippets, business cards.
And that's when I realized you were leaving me a trail of fucking bread crumbs.
Bread crumbs? Yeah, $22,000 worth of bread crumbs that led me straight to you, motherfucker.
- You're being serious? - Yeah, I'm serious.
Well, that's good.
Because you're right.
That's exactly what my intentions were.
I'm glad you were able to decipher my da Vinci code.
Welcome to the fucking manger, homes.
I am glad that you sent me a complex code, Kenny.
I am ready to fucking party.
- I guess we're gonna party.
- Fuck, yeah! This is the greatest night of my life! This is me every night, dude, just staring at butt holes and getting a buzz on.
Oh, this is awesome.
You can totally see straight through the butt hole, right into the pussy, man.
That is awesome.
Yeah, I don't think those two things are connected.
Maybe.
- So, what's the haps back in Bumfuck? - You know that shit hole.
Nothing ever changes.
- Clegg is in rehab.
- Again? And I was going over to your brother's house a lot after you left.
Something must have happened because then he says that I can't come over and play with the boys - when he's not there.
- I don't give a shit about them.
What's going on with April? Stevie, I asked you a question, man.
What's going on with April? I haven't seen much of April lately.
Hope she's not locked up in her house, hooked on meds.
That's a slippery slope.
Well, I guess after you left, she got back together with Cutler and they ended up getting married.
- Married? - Yeah.
- You fucking kidding me? - No, I'm not kidding you.
After I conquered him in the love triangle, she went ahead and married him? - Yeah, I'm sorry.
- That's great for her.
Good thing I'm in the midst of this monumental comeback.
- Honestly, I just feel sorry for her.
- Me too.
I have no idea what it would be like just to live a life full of fucking compromises.
- Unbelievable.
To Cutler? - Yeah.
To Cutler.
So you can move on or You don't need her.
Hey, I meant to ask you.
- When exactly are you heading back home? - Whenever I want.
I got an open-ended ticket, nigga.
You got burritos and tacos but in America you got pizza and hamburger.
What the fuck are you talking about? - Go around.
Jesus Christ.
- Go around.
Steve.
Steve.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, where you been? I just got into town, so I didn't know you - She's talking to me, you dipshit.
I've been around.
- How you doing? - I'm good.
I'm playing tonight, so you and your friend should come see me.
I don't think I'll be able to catch that.
I just had some pretty devastating news dropped on top of my fucking head so I need a little bit of time just to kind of marinate on it and work out my hormones and shit.
You should also know that my name is not really Steve.
It's actually Kenny.
Kenny Powers.
I'm a world famous baseball player.
- I don't think I shared that with you.
- Wait, your name is not Steve? No, I was using an alias.
Steve just kind of seems like the name of somebody who has absolutely nothing going on in their life.
Looks like your friend is sick.
You should get him home.
Yeah, I'm gonna do that.
Bye.
- You ready to go home, buddy? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna get you home.
Let's go.
On the long road to grief recovery don't be surprised if you gotta spill a little blood to get shit fixed.
With all great comebacks, somebody usually gets fucked.
Excuse me.
Where is this truck headed? America.
Oh, fuck.
Sometimes being on the mend can get old real quick like when you're doing awesome shit to show motherfuckers that you're cool now and you realize that maybe the person you're trying to fix yourself for has moved the fuck on.
And there you are, left in the midst of a battle that suddenly means nothing.
He's not in the bullpen.
What do you mean he's not in the bullpen? Where the hell is he? Mother fucker! Jesus, Kenny, what are you doing? Just thinking.
Well, come on, man.
We called timeout.
Let's get you in the game.
I don't think I can go out there, Roger.
I'm not sure if I'm feeling it.
To be honest, I was just primarily mounting this comeback to eventually get back a girl I lost and now it seems that that girl has moved on.
I fear I lost my inspiration.
Are you really gonna drop this on me right now? Yeah, dude.
That's just the fucking score.
I don't know if a pep talk speech would work or not.
Nobody's really tried yet.
I know this locker room isn't exactly what you were thinking about when you were a kid dreaming about playing ball one day.
- Right? - No, it's pretty shitty.
But I've been involved with this game all my life.
And if there's one thing I know, it's talent.
And you've got it.
That arm can take you wherever you wanna go.
You just gotta put it to work, that's all.
Now, don't do this comeback for some fucking girl.
Do it for you.
So you're saying I should just say, "Fuck April and her big old tits"? Well, you don't have to go that far, but You see what's happening here? We're having one of those star-player coach moments.
- You feel like playing? - I still feel a little wounded but, you know, Sebastian put all these awesome promotions up for me and all the villagers showed up, so the least I could do is just - drop a little knowledge on them.
- That's right.
Let's get out there and make some fucking noise, okay? You really want me to make some noise? - Yeah.
- Then noise you shall see.
Let my Latin debut to begin.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, entering the game, and making his debut with the Charros.
A man that came from the United States, wearing number 55 he is Kenny Powders! Powers Powders.
Yeah! Do it, Kenny.
Do it! What the hell is this shit? The glove.
Bring my glove.
Glove! Come on.
It's time for the second part of the show.
Thank you.
Get the flag.
Pick the flag up.
Come on.
Don't just let it lay there.
It's disrespectful.
Don't let it drag.
Wolverines.
YOU'RE FUCKING OUT! Thanks very much for being with us tonight at the stadium.
Drive safely, have fun, good luck to you and your families, and see you all next time.
Fuck.
Did I miss the game? Yeah, I didn't have anybody here to support me, but it's all right.
Kenny, I'm sorry.
Sorry I missed the game.
I don't know what happened.
I might have gotten kidnapped or something.
Yeah, Stevie, you weren't kidnapped.
I put you on that truck so I wouldn't have to deal with you.
- What? - Yeah, you remind me of home and for obvious reasons, home is painful to me.
- Because you miss the children? - Yeah.
Because I miss the fucking children.
No.
It's Look, I'm just not 100 percent proud of the way everything went down there, all right? When I saw your stupid, dumb, happy face, it just reminded me of all that shit.
And I wish it didn't.
I feel bad about it.
It just seems like your face and our friendship is the collateral damage.
- Kenny.
- Oh, come on, man.
I kneel before you as a man, begging a much better man to please let me stay here and join you on this Hispanic adventure.
Kenny, I work in a fucking coffee shop a fucking coffee shop back in Shelby.
Please just let me stay here and tear this shit up with you, Kenny.
- I will do what you want.
- That's enough.
Okay, I will do whatever you want in fucking Mexico.
- You should just get up off - - I will do whatever you want! - Come on.
Get up.
- I will get up when - Just get the fuck up.
Stop, man.
Everyone's looking at us.
Jesus Christ.
Look, this is a dangerous place, Stevie.
- I know.
- If you were to stay here I can't guarantee that you'd make it home alive.
You would not only be responsible for watching your own back, but also mine.
You'd also be responsible for doing a lot of my personal errands more than likely, my laundry.
Kenny, I am so fucking ready to get hardcore with fucking errands or slapping whoever fucking steps up right in the fucking face.
- Are you? - Yes.
Welcome to the resistance.
Fuck, yes.