Ed (2000) s02e02 Episode Script

1 We're waiting in line for coffee, Ed.
-Yes, we are.
You know, I can make coffee, you can make coffee.
We're waiting in line to spend lots of money on somebody else's coffee.
Why is that? -'Cause we're idiots, Mike.
Oh, yeah.
Hi, what's your name? -Jenny.
-Jenny, I'm Dennis.
Hey, isn't that, uh, the guy from Oh, yeah, the new principal.
-Uh, I'm new in town, Jenny and I know it usually takes a long time to be a regular at a place like this.
But what I'd like to do, if it's okay with you is cut through all the red tape and just be a regular from now on.
So, I'll come in tomorrow, and I'll say "Jenny, the usual.
" And you'll pour me a black coffee like we've known each other for years.
-Okay, Dennis.
You're a regular.
Hey, Dennis, how you doing? Good, but, uh, sorry, I don't know you.
-Ed Stevens.
I represented Warren Cheswick in that beer situation.
Oh, right.
Good to see you.
Can I help you? -Yeah, yeah.
You know, I'll have the usual.
-What's "the usual"? I've been coming in here every day for the last -Ed, let it go.
Cream and five sugars.
When it's my moment in the sun Oh, how beautiful I'll be But in a normal sort of way Like I am you and you are me.
.
:: Prijevodi - Online ::.
That Dennis, is unbelievable.
He charms the living daylights out of the coffee girl.
He gives me the left-handed shake, like I'm a four-year-old.
How do you get to be a guy like that? -I don't know.
Finishing school? At what point of his life did Dennis Martino decide "Okay, I'm a cool guy; I'll act like a cool guy; people will see me as a cool guy; I'll reap the benefits of being a cool guy"? I don't know, Ed.
Man, what's with us, Mike? I mean, why aren't we cool guys? At what point of our lives did we decide "Cool guys? Cool guys? No, no, thank you.
We'd much rather be a couple of dorks"? Don't rope me into this, buddy.
I'm a cool guy.
Cool guys don't wear Dockers.
Dockers kick, Ed.
Hey, guys.
What's up? Hey, Eddie, I, uh, brought some big plans by for the birthday shindig.
Molly is throwing a surprise party for herself.
I know.
-It doesn't make any sense.
And yet she does it every year.
I don't think I can be a part of this.
I-I tried Don't worry about her.
Yeah, so what do you got here? Oh! Noisemakers, yep.
Mm-hmm.
Always good.
Festive napkins.
Sure.
Moon walk? Moon walk? You know, the inflatable kind like you see at carnivals.
Oh, yeah.
Why moon walk? Little embarrassing.
Oh, good, great.
Tell me.
Okay, when I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut.
Neil Armstrong became an astronaut at 32.
Here I am, turning 32 Gotcha, symbolic walk on the moon? It's kind of lame.
Yeah, I know, it's very lame.
But it'll be great when we're drunk.
Morning, Ed.
Hey, Jim.
Hey.
How's business? Rock solid.
Um, Molly Hudson, meet Jim Frost purveyor of the world's finest bowling-related paraphernalia.
What he means is I go town to town trying to sell this crap to bowling alleys.
Nice to meet you.
Pleasure's mine.
Ed, I got some great stuff.
You ready? Absolutely.
See that? Hit me.
Already roped him in.
I'm the world's greatest salesman.
Check this out, Ed.
Bowling pins that look like celebrities.
( chuckles ): Oh who is this? Beau Bridges? That's right.
It's actually Jeff Bridges.
But you know, customer's always right.
You know what I'm saying.
Yeah, I hear you.
All right, Mrs.
Begovitch let's take a look at your throat, hmm? Uh Excuse me a moment.
( knock at door ) Yes? Pardon me, Dr.
Jerome, may I borrow a tongue depressor? Oh, by all means, Dr.
Burton.
Here.
Help yourself.
Thanks.
-Um, say, I'm curious.
What happened to your tongue depressors? I, uh, I ran out.
You ran out? That's funny.
I've never run out.
When I notice I'm getting low, I ask Wendy to order more.
Don't you, Dr.
Burton? Yeah, yeah, I do.
I just, I forgot.
Not a problem.
What's mine is yours.
Uh, and Dr.
Burton, I could not help but notice that small spot on your necktie.
I think you ought to take mine.
I don't want your tie, Dr.
Jerome.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I insist on it.
Uh, and here, take my car keys.
And, oh, what the heck? My house keys, too.
Yeah.
Now, you've met my wife, Ronda.
And, um, my dog's name is Spartacus.
So, enjoy, Dr.
Burton, enjoy.
You know something, Dr.
Jerome? I'm really starting to, um Never mind.
( mutters to self ): Never mind.
Well, look, watch.
( woman screaming ) It's about time someone brought magic back to the streets, where it all started.
Oh, please, this is the great David Blaine? The David Blaine who dates all the supermodels? The David Blaine who banged Madonna? He's a hack.
Well, you're just jealous 'cause they wouldn't let you host that Outragiacs show.
Once again, Kenneth, they wanted me to host.
I passed.
Uh-huh.
( indistinct voices on TV ) Excuse me? I'm looking for the lawyer.
Follow me, my good man.
( woman screams ) You see? Anybody could do that.
Ed, I have a Mr.
George McPherson here to see you.
Hi.
Hi.
Ed Stevens.
Mm-hmm.
Have a seat.
I bought some imported Mexican soda on the Internet.
Would anybody like one? No, thanks.
Eduardo? ÿQuieres una soda mexicana del Internet? No, gracias.
Hmm.
How can I help you? Uh, I'd like to get my name legally changed.
Can you do that? Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Okay, I'd like to go with Richard Richard Benjamin.
Uh there already is a Richard Benjamin.
There is? Yeah, the actor? Portnoy's Complaint, Sunshine Boys Oh, right.
Uh, then how about Richard Van Stratten.
No, Rick Van Stratten.
Yeah, Rick Van Stratten.
Sounds like a good guy to be.
Make me Rick Van Stratten.
Okay.
Um, do you mind if I ask why you're doing this? I mean, there's nothing wrong with George McPherson.
George McPherson spends eight hours a day in the corporate office of a supermarket chain working for a simpleminded jerk in polyester slacks.
George McPherson goes home every night to a tacky apartment complex, where he lives alone.
George McPherson drinks himself to sleep every night.
Now, that life may be good enough for George McPherson, but it's not good enough for me.
I'm leaving him behind.
Rick Van Stratten.
What kind of name is Rick Van Stratten? Sounds like he should be starring in a beach movie with Annette Funicello.
Not the point.
Point is, this guy woke up one morning, decided he wanted to be someone else.
And all of a sudden.
Bam, he's someone else.
By sheer force of will.
That's amazing, isn't it? More like weird.
So, um, Ed, you know that guy, Jim? Um, I-I've never seen him around here.
( laughs ) I knew it.
I knew it.
What? No, don't "what" me, young lady.
I saw you two hitting it off this morning.
Wait, wait, wait.
Who's Jim? What's Jim? Why, Carol, Jim just happens to be the perfect guy for Molly.
All right.
All right, please.
Please, you two, okay? Like I have a chance.
Do not listen to her, Carol.
These two, they have more chemistry than than Molly, give me a chemist.
If I give you a chemist, you have to promise me not to bug me about Jim.
Okay.
Antoine Lavoisier.
More chemistry than Antoine Lavoisier.
Very good.
You really should go out with Jim.
Yeah.
Hey, baby.
Hey.
Mike? You okay? Yeah, yeah, I, uh ( clears throat ) I-I made a pretty big, pretty big decision this morning.
Oh? What is it? I got to quit the practice.
What? Yeah, yeah, I can't work for Dr.
Jerome anymore.
I-I got to quit.
-Honey? What happened? -You know what happened.
It's the same thing that always happens over there.
For three years, I've been Dr.
Jerome's plaything.
For three years, I've suffered like Job waiting for him to retire, kick the bucket.
Well, you know what? I don't care anymore.
I don't care if I never inherit his practice.
No practice no job is worth this much humiliation.
Yeah, honey, I mean, you're right.
You're absolutely right.
But Mike, I mean, what are we going to do? I mean, with me not working -No, I know, it's a little scary.
Yeah.
-But we'll be okay.
We'll be okay.
Things will be fine.
I'll start my own practice and things will be fine.
Things will be better.
I got to do this, Nance.
I got it.
-Thanks, Ed.
Mmm, thanks.
-You're welcome.
I'll meet you guys outside? -Okay.
Oh, God.
( whispers ): Principal.
Ugh, you know, I wish he'd lay off Warren already.
What are you talking about? You don't know? No, what? Oh, he's making him work with the janitors after school.
Oh, God, no, are you kidding me? Oh, that man needs -Shh, easy.
Ladies.
-Hello.
Dennis.
-Hi.
Dennis, as your employee may I ask a favor of you? -Absolutely.
If you're having a problem with me could you take it out on me and not Warren Cheswick? A problem with you? -Yeah.
Hate to disappoint you, but I don't think about you enough to have a problem with you.
( stutters ) Given the way that you've been acting Honestly, I can't remember your last name.
No offense.
CAROL: No offense? No offense? That's funny.
I mean, call me crazy, but I think that you were trying to offend me with that.
Is it Vestry? Carol Ves Vestry, right? Vessey.
-Vessney? Vessey.
-Vessey.
Carol Vessey.
-Okay, all right, relax.
I'm just having a little lunchtime fun.
I want to show you something.
What? I want to show you something.
Let me show you something.
I want to show you something now.
I'm going to show you something.
Watch this.
Check it out.
I'm levitating.
No, you're not.
You want to go make out? I don't think so.
Come on.
That Blaine son of a makes it look so easy.
I bet he's got computerized shoes.
MAN: Hey.
Ed, right? Oh, hey, Dennis.
Yeah, hi.
Dennis, this is Mike.
Hey, Mike.
You're running, huh? How far did you go? Uh not far.
Not as fast as I used to be.
Yeah.
Who is, right? So, uh, how's the job at the school working out? Uh it's all right, you know.
It's a job.
Where were you working before this? Actually, I took some time off.
Oh, yeah? You from here? Yeah, born and bred.
How about yourself? Uh, I lived all over.
Out west, spent some time overseas.
Taught up in New England for a while.
Yeah.
New York City before that.
Oh, New York City.
I used to live in New York before I came back to Stuckeyville.
Upper Westside.
Where'd you live? East village.
I like the village a lot.
I used to go down to the village to this little jazz club called Zeals.
I remember one night Harry Heal comes in, he just starts jamming with Little Christy Alto.
Man, those guys could bang.
They could really light it up, man.
Sorry, I never heard of them.
Yeah, well they're they're jazz guys.
You know Sounds cool.
Jazz guys, yeah.
Listen, I've got to split.
Okay.
Nice shooting with you guys.
All right.
Likewise, Dennis.
See you around.
See you again.
Take care.
Yeah, man, those guys could seriously Those cool cats could seriously bang, brother.
They were far-out.
They were like unbelievab They were far-out, brother Mike, you're focusing on the wrong thing.
What? What do you mean? You're focusing on the wrong thing.
What I mean is, he went four for five.
I went five for five.
Yeah, and yet he's still so much cooler than you'll ever be, Ed.
That's so true.
Yeah.
I know, it's just really Hey, Molly.
Oh! Oh, hi Hi, guys.
Hi.
Hi.
What's going down? Oh, I-I left something and I-I just came by to look for it.
Mm-hmm.
What was that? Pocket comb.
Nice try.
I think we all know why you're here.
Where is he? Ooh.
That's Jim? Yeah.
Ooh, cute.
I know, isn't he? Mm-hmm.
All right.
All right, here goes nothing.
Going to love it.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Hi, Jim.
Hey, Molly.
What have you got here? Well, you're looking at the Stradivarius of bowling ball drills.
Wow.
She's a beauty.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I-Is "she" the right pronoun for a bowling ball drill? Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
Hey, you want to give her a go? Really? Yeah.
Why not? Of course.
Here you go.
Glasses.
Okay, um what do I do? All right.
Just take the lever and pull it down gently.
All right, I can do this.
-You ready? -Yeah.
Ooh, okay.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
Okay, the key word there was gently.
-Yeah.
Yeah, that was - that was a $200 ball.
-Oh, no.
I-I-I tried to I-I don't know what I did.
I'm What? What? I it was the ball was already cracked.
You are a silly man.
I've got to get my thrills where I can.
You know the life of a traveling bowling ball salesman is not a glamorous one.
( giggles ) ( laughs ) Excuse me.
Hi, Ed.
-Hello.
You got some forms for me to sign? -Forms? For my name change.
-Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
George.
-Uh, Rick.
Rick, Rick.
Rick.
Um, Rick, this is Carol.
Carol, meet Rick.
-Hi.
Formerly George.
-Hi.
Hi.
-You're like, uh like a whole new guy.
I am a whole new guy.
I'm Rick Van Stratten.
Wow.
Rick.
This, uh, none of my business -No, go ahead.
Um, changing your name, changing your looks.
It's very drastic.
Why are you doing this? -Because life's too short to be somebody you don't want to be.
Life's just too short.
-Uh Rick, why don't you wait in the office and I'll get those papers for you to sign? -Okay.
Thanks, Ed.
-Bye.
Bye.
-Ed? -Yeah.
Did it ever occur to you that your buddy, Rick, is actually a fugitive? What? -Yeah, you know, an escaped convict a criminal at large.
I don't think so.
But he is going incognito and that's what people do when they are on the run from ( whispers ): John Law.
Who? John Law.
-Judd's brother? -No.
The police, you goofball.
Sorry.
-It's all right.
I'll run a check, but I think this guy's on to something.
( intercom beeping ) WOMAN: Dr.
Burton is here to see you.
-Yeah, send him in.
Dr.
Burton, what have you got? ( clears throat ) Dr.
Jerome, uh Dr.
Burton.
Yes.
Is there something you wanted to discuss? Yes, there is, Dr.
Jerome.
And what might that be? ( clears throat ) Well, uh Dr.
Jerome I was thinking of ordering Chinese food for lunch and, um, I-I was wondering if you wanted some.
Two egg rolls, the Hunan chicken and a side of shrimp fried rice, and plenty of duck sauce.
Don't let them play games with the duck sauce.
I won't.
( laughs ) Hi.
So? So.
How did it go? Well, uh, I didn't do it.
What? I didn't quit.
Honey, we talked about this.
I think if you're miserable you should just quit, you know.
No, I We'll make it.
No, I I know, I know.
It's just, uh there was no last straw.
What does that mean "no last straw"? Well, I had it all planned out.
You know, Dr.
Jerome would do something obnoxious say something degrading Mm-hmm.
and I'd say, "That's it, Dr.
Jerome.
"That's the last straw.
I'm done with you.
" Right? Well, it didn't happen.
He didn't do anything.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Evening, folks.
Holy Lord.
Pretty sweet, huh? Pretty sweet? Ed, you look ridiculous.
That's where you're wrong my large foreheaded friend.
Where is it written that Ed Stevens cannot be this guy? By this guy, you mean a third-rate gigolo? By this guy, I mean a hat guy.
Bird-dogging the ladies.
Bird-dogging the ladies.
Open collar.
Danger.
Danger guy.
( laughing ) Laugh all you want.
Ed Stevens doesn't care 'cause Ed Stevens is making a change.
Really? Eddie, where's the old guy? The old Ed Stevens is "I'm your good friend talk to me, tell me your problems" kind of guy.
I'm tired of that guy.
This is because Carol Vessey won't date him.
Oh.
This has nothing to do with Carol.
This about making a change.
Life's too short to go through life not being someone you want to be.
Mm-hmm.
Watch this.
Excuse me, young lady.
How would you like to join me for a soothing cocktail? I'm sorry.
I'm busy.
Is that right? Good night.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Mr.
Reality.
Oh! Come on in, Mr.
Reality.
-Mike.
-You know what, Mike? Hmm? Doesn't bother me.
The old guy would have bothered him.
The rejection would have torn him asunder.
Would have bothered him for weeks, but not this guy.
The hat guy he knows that with women it is simply a numbers game 50 no's for one yes.
Still one yes, my friends.
In your case, 5.
000 no's to one yes.
It's still one yes.
-Uh, yeah -You know what I realize? I've never had a one-night stand.
How lame is that? I have never had a one-night stand.
You just walk up to the woman you lay down that ground work, do a little small talk take her home and boom, you do what guys do.
Eddie, this is so not like you.
Nance, it is now.
Watch this.
Oh, boy.
Hi, there.
Can I buy you a drink? Honey, I don't want to look.
Yep.
Tell me when it's over.
Let's dance.
You, uh, want to come in? Going once.
Going twice.
You know what, Terese? Hmm? This just isn't me.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm not who you think I am.
I was trying to be a different guy, you know.
Trying to be a different guy.
Cool guy.
You know, I'm not really, I'm-I'm You know, I'm not exactly a hat guy for example, you know? I can't really pull that I met this guy, Dennis.
Now this guy is a cool guy.
Actual cool guy you know, and he could He could wear a hat, you know.
This guy Boy, I mean, this guy could wear a hat.
I've never seen him wear a hat but I really think that he could really pull that off.
You're gay.
-No.
No, no, I'm quite heterosexual, thank you.
But, uh I guess I'm just not very good at wearing hats.
I'm going to go in now.
Okay.
You have a nice night.
( sighs ) Hey, Jim.
Hey, Ed.
How you doing? Good.
What do you got there? Brand-new Luster King, 30% more luster.
People love luster.
Hmm, hey, um, listen.
Molly's throwing a surprise birthday party for herself.
Really? That's cool, you know in a deeply twisted Alice in Wonderland sort of way.
Yeah, you know, you should come.
I might do that.
Excuse me, Chief? What's up, Kenny? There's a guy who's been sitting in the parking lot for the last three hours and I think he's staking us out.
Excuse me, Jim.
Yeah, sure thing, man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Keep it in park, tough guy.
Hi.
I'm the owner of this place.
Can I help you with something? No, thanks, I was just resting.
Resting in a bowling alley parking lot? I got low blood sugar.
I never know when it's going to hit me.
You should try Kudos bars.
You looking for George McPherson? Why? You know where he is? Who are you? I'm not looking for anybody, okay? Could you step away from my vehicle, please? Hey! What's up, Ed? Look, I got a busy day, you know.
Not a lot of time for lollygagging around.
Okay, Mr.
McPhe Mr.
Van Stratten.
Look, we need to talk.
Call me McPherson.
You changed your name back? Heck, no, I'm never going back.
I just want to show you something.
I got it down so that, you know I don't even flinch anymore.
Go ahead and test me.
Call me McPherson.
Mr.
McPherson.
Mr.
McPherson.
Now, see that, see that? New me has already started to take root.
Look, I really need to know what's going on here.
What do you mean, "going on"? -What's going on with you? With the name change, the dyed hair? What's the real reason you're doing all this? If you're in some kind of trouble, I can help you.
I already told you the real reason, Ed.
I got me a brand-new life.
Like that! Boom! Snap my fingers.
Everything's brand-new.
Okay.
You know, there was a guy creeping around Stuckey Bowl, looking for you today.
Guy? What guy? What did he want? Well, he looked like a private investigator.
Wanted to know where he could find you.
You didn't tell him anything, right? You can't tell him anything.
I'm a client.
I've got lawyer/client privilege.
You didn't tell him where I was? No, I didn't tell him anything.
Because I got lawyer/client privilege, so you won't tell anyone anything about me, right? Right? Right.
Ladies? I've got a deck of cards.
Watch the cards.
Are you watching the cards? Here are the cards.
Now, please, pick a card.
Okay? Hold it up right there.
Do not let me see it, and I will tell you your card.
I will now enter a meditative holistic, yoga, tai chi, vegetarian trance.
( inhales deeply ) ( exhaling deeply ): Meep Meep ( voice echoing ): Mr.
Diamond? Lane eight is ready.
Mr.
Diamond, lane eight.
( sputtering ) Eight of diamonds.
Hey, that was pretty cool.
Yeah, I know.
Would you gals like to grab some dinner? Let's see that again.
That's no problem.
Choose a card.
Mr.
Heart, lane king is ready.
Mr.
Heart lane king.
Nice try.
Come on, you are so attracted to my magical powers.
Let's get it on! Hey, Molly.
Uh, listen, uh, the last time I was here I had a priceless Ming vase with me and I can't seem to find it.
Do you mind if I look around? Ming vase? What is that? Okay, that was just my lame excuse to see if I could accidentally run into the hottie, Jim.
Is he still around? No, he's not but I have some good news for you.
Really? What would that be? I invited him to your fake surprise party.
What? Ed? Have you lost your ever-loving bowling alley lawyer mind? What? You like him, right? All right, I want to know what you said to him.
I want to know exactly what you said to him.
Nothing, I just said, I said we were having a surprise birthday party for you and would he like to come along.
I I really wish you hadn't have done this.
This is, this is terrible.
What did he say? He said he might come.
So, that's great, right? Oh, God, my life is a living hell.
What? He said he might come.
No, "I might come" means "I won't come.
" No, "I won't come" means "I won't come.
" "I might come" means "I might come.
" No, no, Ed, Ed, trust me, okay? I have had a lifetime of experience on this topic.
I'm sorry, Molly.
I was just trying to help ah-ah! ( knock at door ) Come in.
Dr.
Jerome? Uh, something, something terrible has happened.
What happened, Dr.
Burton? Well, uh, due to my carelessness I-I accidentally misplaced Mr.
Gittelsen's file.
Have Wendy look for it.
I'm sure it'll turn up.
I'm not sure you're hearing me, Dr.
Jerome.
I misplaced a file.
I lost a file.
A file full of very important medical information is gone.
Can't find it anywhere.
And I have to admit it's my fault.
It's all my fault, pretty much.
I'll just go ahead and ask Wendy where it is.
I'm not going to lie to you.
This is my first stakeout.
I'm very excited, mmm! What do you got in the basket? I made us some finger sandwiches.
Cream cheese and watercress.
What? Carol, this is a stakeout.
We're supposed to be drinking tar-black coffee and eating stale potato chips, all right? What is that? What do you got? Binoculars, she's got binoculars.
Hmm.
Pink binoculars.
Didn't know they made pink binoculars.
They were a gift.
You'd never know it's your first stakeout.
Whoa, there he is.
Ooh, ooh.
Papa Bear is leaving the nest.
Let's roll.
You going to talk like that all day? That's my plan.
Appreciate the heads up.
He's looking at ducks.
It's probably some kind of pickup.
Or a drop-off.
Or a combination pickup/drop-off with the possibility of a decoy pickup and/or drop-off to disguise the real pickup and/or drop-off.
Maybe he's just telling the truth.
Maybe he just wanted to change who he was.
Ed? -What? -Dear, sweet, naive Ed the man is an international spy and drug smuggling serial killer with ties to the Russian mob.
You'll see.
If you ever get downtown Why don't you see if I'm around? Maybe I'll waste your time Like I waste your time And if you ever get the sense You're gonna see me again I'm gonna waste your time like I waste your time Yeah, yeah Like I waste your time Yeah, yeah Like I waste your time Yeah, yeah.
So, I played basketball with your little friend, Dennis, yesterday.
Dennis Martino? The new principal? -Mm-hmm.
Oh, he is not my friend.
He's my boss.
He happens to be an enormous what's the word I'm looking for?.
.
oh, I know, .
Yeah, will do.
I don't know.
Seems to me like one of those super cool guys.
You know who he reminds me of? -Who? -Nick.
Oh, there's a blast from the past.
-He's like Nick, you know? Super cool, good-looking, dangerous.
You know, your type.
Please! I never understood why women are invariably attracted to guys like that.
-It's a phase.
It's a stage.
Something You never told me why you went out with Nick for all those years anyway.
I mean, no offense, but the guy mistreats you.
You were miserable most of the time.
What what's the attraction of guys like that? Maybe it is because they're dangerous.
I don't know.
Look at this guy, totally different guy than he was before.
-Mmm.
You think people can change who they are? -I don't know.
( gasps ) ( yells ) We fell asleep.
Oh, we lost him.
That's him.
He's still here.
He spent the entire day on that bench watching ducks.
Mr.
David Blaine locked himself in a box for one week.
I'm going to stay inside this box for two.
How? By controlling my breathing I will slow my heart rate placing myself in a semi-conscious state of hibernation.
Let's take our first practice run get a feel for the box, shall we? Ready the clock, Kenneth.
At this time, Shirley I'm going to ask you to lower the lid.
10-4, good buddy.
Let me out! Let me out! ( crying ) Let me out! ( gasping for breath ) How long was that? Eight seconds.
Okay, that's a start.
( knocking ) Yeah.
-Ed Stevens? Yeah.
May I help you? My name is Lydia.
I'm George McPherson's wife.
George McPherson's wife? I didn't know he had a wife.
-There are many things about my husband you don't know, Mr.
Stevens.
Please, have a seat right here.
-I know that you're George's lawyer.
The private investigator told me so.
I need to know where my husband is.
Uh, I'm sorry, Ms.
McPherson.
Lawyer/client privilege prevents me from divulging any business I may or may not have with your with Mr.
McPherson.
Do you know why my husband changed his name and the way he looks? Again, if he did indeed do those things, no, I don't.
Is he running from someone? If he's in trouble, I really urge you to tell me.
Last week, he was diagnosed with adrenal carcinoma.
My husband has cancer, Mr.
Stevens and he's going to die.
What he's running from is himself.
I'm-I'm truly sorry.
When he got the news, he didn't even react.
He just said, "Doc, you've got the wrong guy" and then he left.
I need you to tell me where I can find him.
-I'm sorry, Mrs.
McPherson.
Your husband was very emphatic with me.
He made me promise not to tell anyone his whereabouts.
I really shouldn't be letting on he's my client.
Please, Mr.
Stevens.
We need to be together.
George shouldn't go through this alone.
You've got to tell me where he is.
I just can't tell you where he is, Mrs.
McPherson.
I'm sorry.
But what I will do is I will definitely tell him that you're looking for him.
Here's my number.
Please.
Tell him to come home.
I'll do my best.
You can count on it.
Ooh, those mackerels were running this morning.
I tell you.
Dr.
Burton? Mm-hmm.
You're almost three hours late.
So true, Wendy.
So true.
DR.
JEROME: Is that Dr.
Burton finally arriving? Yes it is, Dr.
Jerome.
Send him into my office immediately.
Looks like I'm going in, Wendy.
You cover me now, huh? Sit down, Dr.
Burton.
You got it, Dr.
J.
Dr.
Burton Yeah.
Exactly two months from today, I will be retiring.
At that time this practice will be yours.
Are you, uh ( clears throat ) Are you kidding? While I pride myself in possessing a facile sense of humor.
steeped in both satire and irony I, in fact, have chosen not to use it here.
Uh-huh.
Two months, this practice is yours.
Oh my God.
I don't know what to say, Dr.
Jerome.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I've waited a long time for this day, Dr.
Jerome.
Now sit down.
Dr.
Burton, now tell me what makes you think you can parade in here three hours late, looking like Don Ho, huh? Uh, yeah.
Right.
I, um Dr.
Burton, you have the thinking capacity of an inbred sea horse.
You're a doctor, not some kind of belly dancer.
Do you understand me? I think so.
Good.
Now, take off that luau costume and get back to work.
Now you don't know that for sure, Molls.
Yes.
I do because if he wanted to come he wouldn't have said, "I might come.
" He would have said, "I'm coming!" Oh, not necessarily true.
I've known plenty of men who said that they might come and, you know what? They show up.
Yeah, well, with you, they're playing hard to get.
With me, they're playing "I'm just being marginally polite "because there's not a chance in hell anything's going to happen between us.
" Molls? Yeah.
Do you think that you could change who you are? What do you mean? You know, be something different, become someone different than you've ever been your whole life? Well, I don't think you can change who you are but I think you can try which is why I spent an hour and 20 minutes on my hair.
You know what? What? It looks good.
It does, doesn't it? Yeah, it does.
Gosh, it's such a shame he won't be there.
Molls? Yeah.
Shut up! Mr.
McPherson? Aah! Lynched.
You got me that time, Ed.
How about a quick game of nine ball? Your wife came to see me today.
My wife? I don't have a wife.
I told you.
I'm single.
She told me about the cancer.
Cancer? Wife.
You got the wrong guy, Ed.
And let me remind you that if you tell anyone anything about me and that includes my whereabouts I'll have you disbarred so fast your head will explode.
She needs you, George.
I can't, Ed.
Of course you can, George.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not George McPherson? George McPherson is dying.
I'm Rick Van Stratten.
No.
No, you're not Rick Van Stratten.
You're George McPherson.
You can't just wake up one morning and decide to be Rick Van Stratten.
Why not? Because Because Rick Van Stratten is a stranger.
Because it's not going to solve your problems and most of all it's just not fair to George McPherson.
Will you see your wife, George? She needs you.
No.
She's better off without me.
Shh! Ed? Surprise! ( applause and cheering ) Oh, my! Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Wait a minute, wait, come on, Molly.
You've got to be able to fake being excited better than that.
Come on, let's give her another shot.
Okay.
Okay.
Surprise! ( applause and cheering ) Wow! I can't believe this.
Molly, that's even lamer.
I'm sorry.
Happy birthday, sweetie.
Oh, we love you.
We love you.
Well, I can show you how How to feel good It wouldn't take too long It wouldn't hardly hurt Rearrange your head Get you out of bed Don't you think I know? Don't you think I know? George? Yeah, George.
Let's call her.
Okay.
If you just say yes Begin to nod your head Begin to take in breath Smell the sweet unrest And move away from this mess That piles up in your head Silence all that was said Hear the sweet sound instead It's the song in your head You sing out It sinks in You find out You can win.
I can't believe how wrong I was about George McPherson.
I really thought the guy was trying to hide from something.
Maybe he was trying to hide from something.
Yeah.
I guess, he tried and tried but he just couldn't change who he was.
Well, I think he changed, all right.
Changed from a guy denying who he was to a guy accepting who he is.
Yeah.
( sighs ) See you tomorrow.
-Okay.
Oh, hey.
By the way, remember how you said you were attracted to guys like Nick because they're dangerous? -Yeah.
I don't think that's the reason.
What do you think the reason is? -It's actually 'cause they're safe.
Safe? -Yeah.
With guys like that you always know how it's going to end.
Good night.