Empty Nest (1988) s02e02 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on - Daddy.
- Oh, uh, thank you, dear.
Ahem.
Bran bits? - No.
No.
Okay, more for me.
Ohh, that one-hour martinizer's was mobbed.
I tried to get faster service buy telling him I knew Martin.
Didn't work.
Here's your suit for the banquet tomorrow, daddy.
Thank you, baby.
Banquet? What banquet? The annual medical center awards.
Oh, so we're talking a lot of young, handsome doctors.
Daddy, what will I wear? Nothing.
A little desperate, but okay.
No, no, no.
You're not invited.
It's a morale booster for the staff only.
Hi, all! Westons, I need a favor.
Can I be buried with you guys? Charley, excuse me, but a favor is, "can I borrow your hedge clippers?" "Can I be buried with you?" Not a favor.
I already have your hedge clippers.
It's my mortality that I'm worried about.
I went to my friend gino's funeral yesterday, and it really started me thinking.
Well, I'm sorry, Charley.
I'm so sorry your friend died.
Yeah.
You got any of those little chocolate donuts? Who's gino? Oh, he's a buddy of mine from the health club.
Poor gino, there he was the other night, in the throws of passion, when the mirror over his bed came crashing down.
Oh, my god.
And to die alone like that.
So I'm sitting there at the funeral, and it occurs to me, "hey, this death thing might happen to me.
" Now, don't worry, Charley.
You have a long life ahead of you.
That's what gino thought.
I work on a ship.
I could die at sea like that.
They still had that damn women and children first rule.
So Anyway, since I don't have any plans for the afterlife, I thought maybe I could bunk with you guys.
Charley, it's just not appropriate, even between the best of friends.
So the answer's gotta be no.
Definitely no.
All right, but you're gonna have to live with this written on my tombstone: "Here lies Charley dietz, "let down by his friends, in his moment of neets.
" Hey, I'm working on it.
It's not like this thing is chiseled in stone.
You call that gossip? I got a bigger secret than that.
At the awards luncheon tomorrow, guess who's a prime contender for the medical center hall of fame? - Dr.
Weston? - Uh-huh! I wouldn't be surprised if next week at this time, his picture's a-hangin' along with all the other big shots in the main lobby, right between Dr.
dempsky and that big water stain from hurricane Clyde.
I have been calling in six years worth of favors to get him elected.
Of course, he deserves it.
Weren't you on your way to X-ray? Oh, Mr.
Miller's lungs.
I'll be right back.
Good morning, Laverne.
No time for chitchat.
First patient's in five minutes, in which time you can fill out your ballot for the awards tomorrow.
Now get a-crackin'.
Laverne, please.
This'll take forever.
You know my mind better than I do.
So pretend you're me.
Fill that out.
I will not.
Votin' is a very private thing.
That's what makes this country great.
All right.
No.
No! There you go.
Laverne, here is my vote.
You exercise it.
Done.
We don't have an appointment, Dr.
Weston, but this feels like an emergency.
What? Doctor, I'm worried.
She's hardly eating.
She's obsessed with some little boy.
I'm not obsessed.
I'm in love.
You are not.
Here.
Eat something.
She follows him home from school every day.
She just sits there the curb, staring at this house like a zombie.
I do not.
Sometimes, I ring his doorbell and run.
Oh, well, this sounds like a classic case of love sickness.
Tell me, Phoebe, is this little boy in love with you? Not yet, but I'm working on it.
No, Phoebe, love only works when both parties are involved.
And believe me, if the doorbell thing didn't sweep him off his feet, I think you're dealing with a lox here.
So my advice is forget about it.
Leave him alone.
And eat something.
Okay, I'll try.
You were right about not putting play-doh up my nose.
You see? I know all that stuff.
There you go.
Thank you, Dr.
Weston.
You're welcome, dear.
Okay.
Bye-bye, dear.
What are you doing out here? You got Paul Parsons in room three.
Oh, and here's your completed ballot.
Thank you.
Oh, Laverne, is it really fair for me to vote for my own floor for cleanest restrooms? We are voting a straight third-floor ticket.
Now scoot! I'm scooting, I'm scooting.
Bran bits? Boy, you haven't lived until you spent the day shopping for a burial plot.
It's no use.
I'm too depressed.
Too depressed to eat? Charley, what happened? I must have been to 20 cemeteries.
They all want you to pay in advance.
What a rip-off.
I mean, what if I don't die? Oh, Charley.
Don't be upset.
Of course you're gonna die.
Well, since you folks have slammed the mausoleum door on me, I guess my only alternative is to spend eternity with my old pal dreyfuss.
Charley, what about your own family? Shouldn't you be buried with them? Actually, they went to a lot of legal trouble to make sure that can never happen.
Charley, what would make your family do such a thing? I'm not allowed to talk about it.
Paragraph two, section three.
Hey, forget about it.
Forget I even asked.
I can tell when I'm not wanted.
Doesn't always take a court order.
Daddy, I think he's really serious.
What are we gonna do? I don't know, maybe we should consider this.
- Daddy! - Well, honey, come on.
I mean, the man is, after all, our neighbor, a human being, and a friend.
Sort of.
Besides, who knows? Maybe dying will be the thing that finally turns Charley around.
Howdy.
Park it.
Howdy.
Park it.
Perfect timing.
I'm about done meetin' and greetin'.
You care to step on the feedbag? Golly, should we wait until they ring the triangle? Ahem, well, the, uh, first award today goes to the floor with the cleanest restroom.
And the winner is The fifth floor.
Damn! And the award for the doctor who has given the most hours to community service goes to Dr.
Ronald Clark.
Dr.
Clark doesn't seem to be here.
I guess he must be out in the community doing some sort of service.
Um Our, uh, last award today is very special.
For the first time in three years, a new member has been chosen for our medical center hall of fame.
Now, this honor is reserved for those rare doctors whose practices are unsurpassed in efficiency, warmth, and caring.
And today, that honor goes to Dr.
Harry Weston.
That's you, doctor! Get on up there and make a speech now get! Oh, I'm so Makes all that lobbying worthwhile.
Plus, it takes a little bit of the sting out of that restroom slap in the face.
I-I'm, uh, I-i-i I had no idea that this I mean, it's such an honor.
I-I'm Well, I-i guess I'm gonna thank everybody.
I'm gonna thank, um, my my three lovely daughters, Carol, Barbara, and Emily, and, uh Their mother, my late wife Libby.
And, um And my father, and And all my patients and their parents.
And, uh, oh! Uh, dreyfuss, my dog.
And, uh Oh! How could I possibly forget? I would like very much to thank the cooks here at the Vebreak hotel for this wonderful luncheon you've given us here.
We do thank you so much.
It's really wonderful.
Laverne, Laverne! What a wonderful afternoon! Were you as surprised as I was? More.
I mean, look at that.
Look at that award.
Isn't that great? Where should I put it? I'm not sure I'm the right person to ask that.
Are you okay? Let's just say something at that luncheon did not sit well with me.
Phoebe swenson, room one.
All right.
Hi, Phoebe, dear.
What brings you here? I need a blood test.
Why? What for? Don't tell my mom, but I'm getting married.
I owe it all to you, Dr.
Weston.
That playing hard to get tip really paid off.
What? What? What play hard to get tip? I ignored him, just like you said.
And sure enough, he came around.
Now he wants to marry me.
We're in love.
Oh, Phoebe, dear, come on now.
You have to remember, you're only ten years old.
What could you possibly know about love? Well, all I know is that being with him makes my heart smile.
It makes me feel like a twinkle in the eye of god.
Even if we could never see each other again, we'd still be happy to have had these few days together in the sun.
I've had feelings like that myself from time to time.
But I've never been able to put them into words.
Honey, dear, look, I know that you like this little boy, but, it's like going to the ice cream parlor.
You order vanilla, and it's great.
But you don't stop at vanilla, because if you did, you'd never find out about strawberry and butterscotch and mocha fudge.
So what you're saying is I shouldn't tie myself down to the first boy I meet.
Yeah, well, that's another way of put it, sure.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Come on, there you - Thanks again, Dr.
Weston.
You're welcome, my little beauty.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye, Laverne.
Bye-bye, hon.
Here are your damn messages.
Laverne we have been working together for six years, and you can't fool now.
Something is bothering you, and I think I know what it is.
And I am sorry.
I'm sorry our bathrooms weren't voted the cleanest.
But forget about bathrooms, dear.
I'm in the hall of fame! Well, let me be the first to kick off your tickertape parade.
Laverne, are you mad at me? Why? What? What is it? What did you were fine this morning.
You were okay at the luncheon.
You Oh, my god.
Oh, I forgot to thank you.
Oh, Laverne, of all the people not to thank, I am so sorry, I Will you ever forgive me? Well I guess everyone is entitled to one mistake.
Well, thank you, Laverne.
One huge, incredibly stupid, insensitive mistake.
Thank you, Laverne.
Daddy, I cannot believe you agreed to this.
Honey, Charley asked me if he could make one final plea about this burial thing.
At least we can hear the man out.
Hi, everybody.
Charley! Ho ho, you look great.
I'm glad you think so.
I thought it was only appropriate to come over in the suit I plan to be buried in.
It's really nice.
I'd go with an open casket.
All right, Charley come on.
Make your speech.
Right.
Ahem.
When Harry said I could come over and talk to you, I asked myself, what are the best reasons for being buried with you, my neighbors and, I hope, my friends? I think I found the answers.
Reason number one.
I look good.
I'm going to turn some heads in the hereafter.
Number two I've got the cellular phone, and if we get buried alive, I'm your point man.
Number three, landscaping.
Waves of babes bringing pricey bouquets to pay respect to the dietz machine.
So, basically, it's a prestige thing.
It's a curb appeal thing.
It's the smart thing.
Thank you.
Daddy, may I respond? I don't ask for much, but This would mean a lot to me.
Proceed.
Charley has never been anything other than an irritant and a drain.
We owe him nothing.
He is a parasite, he is a jerk, and I see no reason to invite this loathsome curse upon us.
Charley, rebuttal? I don't know what else I can say.
It's Painful enough being all alone in this world.
But the thought of being alone in that world Eww.
Charley, if you want to be buried with us I won't stand in your way.
Barbara.
No prob.
Charley You're in.
Thank you, thank you.
I promise you, you won't regret this.
Oh, could I be buried on top of Carol? Ah! No, no, no! No, he doesn't mean it.
He was making a joke! Good morning, Laverne.
Mornin'.
Casey Watson and his mama are here.
Okay, which room? Room one, jar head.
Where'd that come from? Must be some leftover anger from yesterday.
Pay it no mind.
Hi.
Hi, dear, how are you? Hi, Casey.
What seems to be the problem? I don't know what's the problem, doctor.
He doesn't have a fever, but He didn't eat his breakfast this morning and all he wants to do is sleep.
You got something on your mind? Uh, maybe we should have a little guy talk.
Trouble at school? No.
Some big kid picking on you? No.
It's my fiancee, Dr.
Weston.
Somebody filled her head with some garbage about ice cream, and she dumped me.
What kind of monster would want to destroy our perfect love? Well, I don't think it's important who it is.
But The important thing is, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
I mean, she's not the only chicken in the barnyard.
You get right back on that horse.
How come all your love metaphors involve farm animals? I don't know.
I don't know.
Listen, trust me.
Come on, time heals all wounds.
And remember this 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
Give me a break.
Come on, Laverne, let's go.
Who's next? Well, the Simmons boy was next, but I'm afraid I accidentally referred him to another pediatrician.
Laverne, you are still very angry with me.
Well, I don't mean to be.
And now that you've got some spare time, you might as well return some of these phone calls.
Hmm.
Ohh! Laverne, we need to talk! Well, I don't like this any better than you do.
I don't know what's gonna come out of me next.
Well, would it help, perhaps, if I were to give the speech I really should have given at the banquet? Maybe.
Okay, all right, fine.
Uh, of all the people I i want to thank, I am most grateful To Laverne Todd, my nurse and my My dear friend.
Working beside Laverne these past six years had been one of the greatest joys of my life.
So I thank you so much, Laverne.
Would you excuse me? I seem to be entirely out of control.
Laverne Laverne I think I've got it.
Well, get it out of the ladies' room.
Oh, god, i I don't No, I don't care.
This is too important.
Boy, this place is clean.
I told you we should have won.
All right Now, Laverne, listen.
I think I'm on to something here.
Now, I think I know why these things keep popping out of your mouth and occasionally hitting me in the back.
See, maybe you're not mad.
Maybe you're hurt.
What's the difference? Well, there's a big difference.
I mean, you know, mad can go away very quickly.
Mad comes from in here.
And when you vent mad, it disappears.
But hurt Hurt comes from in here.
And you can talk about hurt forever, but the only thing that makes hurt go away is time and forgiveness.
Go on.
Well, I mean, I wouldn't ever expect anybody else to get over that kind of slight so quickly.
But you You're always Laverne.
You know, you're never really happy.
You're never really sad.
You're just always Laverne.
Then I go ahead and I do this terrible thing to you, and I expect you to be "Laverne.
" But instead, you were Thelma or somebody.
What I'm trying to say here is that, because you don't show emotion, that sometimes maybe I forget that your feelings can get hurt too.
Huh.
I guess they do.
Well Will you ever forgive me? Maybe.
Well, thank you.
And I promise, I'm gonna be much more sensitive in the future.
Okay.
I mean, after all, a girl can't go around feelin' too droopy on her birthday.
I knew that! I knew that, Laverne.
Laverne, boy, have I got something for you Under the powers vested in me by the American medial association, I hereby pronounce you "going steady.
" With no thoughts at all for a very long, long time about marriage.
Thank you, Dr.
Weston.
Well, I guess, under the circumstances, and with adult supervision, it Would be ok if you two guys want to kiss.
Both: Eww! Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.