Fairfax (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

[school bell rings]
[Mr. Hernandez] Um, well,
it really wasn't
until the Drake
versus Pusha T beef
of 2017, that, uh,
bringing up a secret love child
was-was-was fair game.
[notifications chiming]
[gasps] Holy shit.
What is it, dude?
- [Benny] Weston's dead!
- [others gasping]
- Oh, shit!
- Uh, okay, okay, okay, okay.
- [phones chiming]
- Uh, car crash.
Toxicology report
came back inconclusive.
FairFactor's reporting
Mr. Hernandez was
in the car, too!
I'm not dead.
I'm right here.
I can't believe he's gone.
I already miss him so hard.
I just hope he's up there
in principal heaven,
just balls deep in angels.
Oh, this is so awful.
My grandpa died when I was six,
and now he lives in
a Folgers jar on the mantel.
Yo, #WeAreWeston is
the number one trending topic.
Damn!
Arthur Wong broke 5,000 likes
just for posting
an old detention slip.
Shut the fuck up!
Melody's going live!
[voice breaking] Hey,
Fairfax fam, it's me, Melody.
Um, obvi,
it's with great sadness
and a supes heavy heart
that I confirm
Principal Weston's death.
[inhales deeply]
I'll be leaning
on my Harpsichords
and, of course, eating lots of
Nabisco Nilla Wafers.
Swipe up and enter
promo code deadprincipal
to get ten percent off
all Nabisco products
for a limited time. [cries]
Nabisco Nilla Wafers,
simple goodness.
[cries]
Oh ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Drop ♪
- Waitin' for ♪
- The drop ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Oh ♪
Waitin' for the ♪
- [crying]
- A Nilla Wafer death announcement?
So performative.
So desperate!
How does Melody live
with herself?
Totally. Did any of you catch
that promo code?
'Cause [exhales] I'm gonna be
grieving a lot tonight.
Dale, homey, you okay?
[sobbing] No. I mean, yes.
I mean, no, not yes.
I just Oh,
I think I need a minute.
Ey, ey, ey, ey, ey,
don't fight the tears, bruh.
Denial is the first stage of
P. Diddy's stages of grief.
- Stage two: drop a sad yet tasteful banger.
- [crying]
- Man, P-Dubs' death is hitting Fairfax hard, bruh.
- [bell chimes]
What?! Tommy G is
making charcoal ice cream
in Weston's honor?
Fuck, that's a delicious way
to honor somebody.
You know what? I'm gonna
reactivate my grief hotline
from when Yung Polluter died
for, like, three hours.
That's how
I'm gonna honor Weston.
- Good idea.
- Sick, D.
Bro, everybody's doing
something except for us!
- [phone beeps]
- [crying loudly]
Why, God, why?
- [phone beeps]
- You get that?
[sobbing] Oh, God!
Why are you crying, Dale?
Because you hardly got
to know him.
[gasps] Dang it, poked myself
in the eye again.
[chuckles] I'm such a klutz.
[crying] Oh, God.
Get it together, you dingus.
Okay.
Maybe I just need
some comfort food.
Baked Bean Bar?
Huh, I'm feeling better already.
[beeping]
- [whirring]
- [rumbling]
Whoa.
Huh?
[Jules] No, n-n-no,
no, no, Weston ♪
Why'd your car drop
off that cliff? ♪
I miss you, I miss you ♪
Damn, that's gonna get him
at least, like, 20,000 likes.
How are we gonna honor Weston,
bruh?
I-I feel like people are waiting
for our response.
- We're Westy's guys.
- You're right.
What would Weston want us to do?
For him? For us?
[squawks]
He'd want us to go big.
- [phone ringing]
- [cell phone vibrating]
Operator 24601.
Weston's your grief.
I'm your relief.
[griever] Um,
I'm just really upset
because my Weston post isn't
popping off on the Gram
- like I thought it would.
- [groans] Are you serious?
Try using better hashtags.
This isn't an excuse
to go fishing for likes!
- [ringing]
- [vibrating]
Operator 24601.
Weston's your grief.
I'm your relief.
[griever 2] So, I accidentally
posted about Weston twice,
and I'm worried that
if I delete one of them,
um, my followers will think
I'm insensitive.
I-I'm sorry.
This is a grief hotline.
God! Y'all are thirsty as fuck
for death clout!
- [ringing]
- [vibrating]
[sighs] Operator 24601.
Weston's your grief.
I'm your relief.
[girl crying]
Hey. Hey, it's okay to cry.
Look,
losing a principal can feel
like losing a distant cousin.
I totally understand
how you're feeling.
You do? Oh, my God.
That's so litty.
[whispers] Oh, my God.
It's Melody.
Yeah, just know
I'm here for you.
Do you want to talk about
your favorite Weston memories?
Well, like,
not many people know this,
but this one time,
he, like, shit his pants
at the ice cream social.
No way! Yo, savage!
Yeah, it was so bad I had to
let him borrow my track pants.
It was crazy, he wore them
to a school board meeting.
Oh, my God, he did not!
Hello?
I-Is somebody there?
- [hisses]
- [cries out]
[gasps]
Of course
your basic ass would buy
the baked bean bar.
Principal Weston?! But
But you're dead.
Nah, I just faked my own death
and Parasited myself
in this here bunker,
- just like the movie.
- I don't understand.
Why would you fake
your own death?
Pshh. Some IRS bullshit.
- Huh?
- What do you want me to say?!
I'm in over my head, Dale!
I have 45 credit cards!
All Discover!
The retractable arena roof
came in 100K over budget,
and the IRS is up my ass
until next Tuesday!
What about your poor wife?
You can't just pretend
you're dead.
Look, I'm-a need you
to keep this between us.
You picking up
what I'm putting down?
But, Principal Weston
lying is against Scout code.
I don't know
if I can keep this a secret.
- You better keep it a secret!
- [gasps]
Otherwise, I'm-a tell
that little white girl,
what's-her-name,
that you got a crush on her.
[gasps] You mean Lily?
Bingo! Lily. I'm-a tell Lily
you got a crush on her.
How do you even know that?
I haven't told anyone about her.
I know what I need to know,
Dale!
It's my principal training.
Also, I'm-a need you to get me
some supplies.
Just off the top of my head,
I'm thinking:
Slim Jims, beard trimmer,
Prilosec,
a 50-inch LED
with NFL Sunday Ticket,
and one of
them Amazon Fire Sticks.
Young Putin's coming back,
and I don't want to miss it.
- It's like Young Sheldon, but Russian and dangerous.
- But
But what, Dale?!
Maybe I should just DM Cody
and let him know
you're all about his girl.
You wouldn't!
- Wouldn't I?
- [notification chimes]
Oh, wait a minute. Hold on.
- This can't be.
- Oh, God, what now?
[echoing] I'm trending!
- [gasping]
- [screaming]
Whoa, ghost alert.
Now, if you take a step
to your right,
you'll notice Principal
Weston's personal bathroom.
Feel free to snap a pic
on the throne.
As you head out,
don't forget to tag
your favorite sadbois,
Benny and Truman,
using the hashtag
WestonExperience.
And check out our SoundCloud
for an exclusive mixtape
of unreleased
principal announcements:
Weston After Death.
- [hip-hop music playing]
- [scratching records]
[Weston] Just a reminder,
it's Follow Friday ♪
F-F-F-Follow Friday,
and if you haven't already ♪
- [music stops]
- Okay, I'm shutting down this area
- for official Triangle ghost-hunting business.
- [both grunt]
Hey, yo, bro.
We're mourning in here.
Yeah, this is our tribute.
Get the hell out of here, Cody.
You did the best you could,
and you failed.
So here we go. Cub, let's get
a full EMP scan going.
There, there, and, oh, that
looks like a very hot corner.
[girl] Hunting Weston's ghost
is, like,
such a great way to honor him.
[boy] Yeah, way better than
Benny and Truman's thing.
- [groans] That motherfucker.
- Damn, bro, now what?
Ah, fuck.
- Hey, dude.
- Hey, guys. Shot in the dark, does anyone have
an NFL Sunday Ticket login
I can borrow?
Bruh, we didn't want
to say anything,
- but it's a little sus that you haven't posted yet.
- [scoffs]
Yeah, dawg.
People are starting to talk.
You were his only follower.
- That's like next of kin.
- Uh
You guys will not believe
who I talked to
on the grief hotline.
Yo, isn't that
supposed to be anonymous?
Melody. Turns out
she was contractually obligated
to post the Nabisco ad and was,
like, super torn about it.
God, I was so wrong about her.
We talked for hours.
It was actually kind of magical.
Like, we laughed, we cried.
[gasps] How do you guys think
I should play this?
My instincts are
all over the place.
Maybe go talk to her.
I don't know.
Man, don't play games
with her, girl.
You know she wants the D.
You're totally right.
She could probably use
an IRL friend right now.
Can I, uh
can I tell you guys something?
It's ju
it's been eating me alive.
Ow!
♪
I, uh [sucks teeth]
I'm ready to post
about Principal Weston.
Just wanted to see
if you guys had any thoughts.
My thought is, as long
as you don't upstream us,
I don't give a shit.
Hey, Melody.
Look, I just wanted to say,
I know you and Weston
were close and
Hello, are you blind?
Do you not see the line?
Yeah!
Hold up.
Are you signing Nilla Wafers?
I can't begin to tell you
how problematic that is.
Then don't. What are you,
the fucking grief police?
No, I just
I thought you were different.
Nope, I'm not. Bye, bitch.
[groaning]
Hey, Dale. Are you doing okay?
Um, I saw you crying earlier,
and
Oh, no, that? I just got
baked beans stuck in my eye.
No, I-I actually think
it's-it's cool
that you're in touch
with your feelings, you know?
To be totally honest,
dating a prank lord like Cody,
it's hard to know
how he really feels.
Like, everything with him is
a joke, you know?
Well, I'm always honest
with myself and others.
What do we have here?
Prilosec, Slim Jims,
a gas generator?
This is all stuff Weston loves.
What are you doing with it?
Huh, what am I doing with it?
What am I doing with it?
I guess I just wanted to be
closer to him.
I-I can't help but feel
like he's still in the school.
You know,
trying to connect with me.
And the Slim Jims help me
snap into my feelings.
♪
Sick. He's a medium,
ladies and gentlemen.
- Wow, Dale. That's so spiritual of you.
- Uh
Shu had the genius idea
to search every nook and cranny
of this place
for Weston's ghost tonight.
What do you say, huh?
We could really use a medium.
Cub, let's hook Dale up
with a romper, okay?
I'm thinking a kids' small.
Oh, geez.
No, I-I don't know, Cody.
- Are you sure that's a good idea?
- Course I do.
Come on, amigo. Let's turn
this triangle into a diamond.
- But what about Lily?
- Don't worry about her.
- She's my diamond.
- Cody! [giggles]
See you tonight, Dale.
Uh Okay. Okay.
Dale, check it.
Fairfax Chabad is sitting shiva
for your boy,
and I ain't even Jewish.
Mazel tov to you,
Principal Weston.
That's very exciting,
but what I'm about to say is
of the utmost importance.
Cody and the Triangle are coming
to honor/hunt your ghost
tonight.
Under absolutely
no circumstances
can you leave this bunker.
- Hey! Are you even listening?
- Uh-huh, yeah. I got it, man.
Just sit tight.
Now do me a favor
and throw that flat screen up
on the wall over there.
You brought the mount, right?
[Benny panting]
I can't even keep up
with the posts!
- My fingies are fast, but this is insane.
- [notifications chiming]
Bruh, it just won't stop.
Yung Polluter just announced
the Litter Gang is doing
an honorary
Hour of No Polluting.
BTS just retweeted Jules
and 'Manda's TikTok tribute.
We're getting buried
in the feed, man.
[gasps] That's it!
That's how
we're gonna honor him.
We're gonna bury
this motherfucker.
We're gonna give him
the funeral of a lifetime.
And who better to throw
the Super Bowl-level service
- Weston would have wanted than us?
- Okay.
So just off the top of the dome,
I'm thinking like
if Kanye's Sunday Service
fucked the NBA All-Star Weekend,
- but sad.
- Yo, my G.
When you are on,
you are on. Ha!
You handle
the music and lighting.
I'm gonna call my dove guy.
Bitch gonna tell me
there's a line? [stammers]
- The only line you care about is the bottom line!
- [phone ringing]
Oh. No. She. Did. Not. Ugh.
Operator 24601.
Weston's your grief.
I'm your relief.
[crying] I'm sorry
I keep bothering you.
It's just
something happened
at school today.
I'm listening.
I was so rude to this girl.
Oh, okay.
Do you want to talk about it?
Well, like, she came up to me
at lunch and, like,
tried to be nice to me,
but I totally bitched her out.
And I don't know
why I'm acting this way.
Oh, honey, that's okay.
You're grieving.
Everybody knows anger is
the third stage
of the P. Diddy stages of grief.
Well, this girl said
I was problematic.
And honestly, like, she's right.
I mean, she would know.
She's, like, really smart
and, like, really woke.
- I bet she is.
- I'm just so tied up in being this influencer
that I I don't know,
I-I just
Lash out at people because
you're forced to put on a face
- for all these brands?
- Exactly.
God, you're so great to talk to.
I feel like
you're the only person
I can be myself with.
Thanks. Um,
I like talking to you, too.
Yesterday, Principal Weston's
spirit came to me, Cody,
and asked me to help him
with some unfinished business.
- [distorted voice] Business business
- [child laughing]
[Cody] So now myself
and a team of experts
are going to honor Weston
the most charitable way
we know how:
by helping his ghost ascend
to principal heaven.
- [distorted voice] Or hell.
- [Cody] We've locked the doors.
We've cut the Wi-Fi.
This is
Impractical Ghosters.
- [electrical whirring]
- [beeping]
Mm. Mm.
- Yo, Dale. Come here.
- Uh
Lily said she saw you crying
in the hallway earlier.
If you ever want to cry
together, shoot me a DM.
I'm always here for you.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh, you know what?
You guys go ahead.
I'm gonna check over there.
Getting a lot of
medium interference.
Need a little space.
Oh! Split up
to cover more ground.
Good thinking.
What are you doing
out of the bunker?
[whispers] They cut the Wi-Fi.
You got to get out of here.
The Triangle's gonna find you.
Please, I'm begging you.
Lily's with them.
Fine, nature boy.
Give me a boost.
- [Weston grunting]
- [Dale] Ow. Ow. Ah.
- My neck doesn't bend that way.
- [grunts]
[thud]
Wait. You guys hear that?
Oh, no.
Man, what the fuck am I gonna do
with gray doves, Frank?
Service is tomorrow, man!
Give me them white bitches!
Oh, ey,
what do you think, homey?
V tasteful?
V exclusive? Hmm?
Well, paint 'em white, Frank.
This is a funeral!
- [insects trilling]
- [light crackling]
- [gasps] Whoa.
- [others yelp]
[speaking gibberish]
Oh, my God! What is happening?!
Dale? Dale, bro?
Can you hear me?
[imitating Weston] Hey, hey.
What it do?
What it do, students?
It's your boy P-Dubs.
Holy fucking shit.
Dale, our medium,
has gone full ghost face.
- This is huge.
- And super problematic!
[whispers in normal voice] Go.
Now.
[as Weston] Thank you for
ghost-hunting for me, Cody.
It's truly shown me
how much y'all care.
Anyhoo, I'm ready to move on.
Y'all have helped me
ascend to principal heaven
where I will rest in peace.
Deuces, playas.
[speaking gibberish]
- [sighs]
- [Lily] Dale!
- Dale, are you okay?
- [gasps]
Whoa. What happened?
Don't freak out,
but Weston just used your body
as a vessel to help his spirit
peacefully transition
to the other side.
[cheering and whooping]
And that's how you honor
your dead principal, baby.
Okay, say your Harry Potter
house on three.
One, two, three.
[both] None.
J.K. Rowling is canceled.
- [laughs] - [laughs] Oh, my God. Yes!
- [phones chime]
Wow, this funeral is going
to be intense.
The invite looks
like a music festival lineup.
Yeah, I'm glad
they're going balls to the wall.
It's what
Weston would have wanted.
Totally. So, listen, um
I know this is supposed to be
anonymous,
but do you, like, maybe want
to sit together tomorrow?
I never found
that shoulder to cry on,
- and I bet yours is perfect.
- [gasping]
- [grunts]
- Hello?
Uh, yes, hi.
[chuckles] You know what?
Um, if you leave a seat open,
I'll be there.
Whew. Coast is clear.
I cannot believe that worked.
Okay, if you can just stay put
until after this Friday Service
Benny and Truman are hosting,
- I think we
- Friday Service?!
On campus?! For me?!
That's genius!
I knew Benny and Tru
would come through!
I got to be there, Dale!
You got to make it happen!
Dude, nuh-uh,
Principal Weston, no way.
I'm done helping you.
Look at me, Dale!
I'm a man with no Wi-Fi!
I got nothing left to lose!
So, unless you want Lily
to know you write
"Mrs. Lily & Dale Foster"
in your damn Trapper Keeper,
you're gonna get me
into that funeral.
♪
- Uh
- Do you think Tyrese'll be there?
He hit me with his car once,
so, you know, we kinda tight.
I just want to restate
how bad of an idea this is.
If you get caught,
the IRS will take you to jail.
Nah, this plan is bulletproof.
I'm-a pretend to be dead,
you slip me this air tank
before they close the casket,
I enjoy the funeral,
get buried, then boom,
you dig me up tomorrow morning.
Are you hearing what
you're saying, Principal Weston?
This is insane!
Don't you understand, Dale?
I make bad decisions!
That's what I do!
Now help me sneak into the damn
coffin, you little bitch.
[indistinct chatter]
We are going to remember Weston
so fucking hard today.
Kleenex better come correct
with that sponsorship.
Ah! [grunting]
[groans] Gross,
who okayed a fake body?
Luis, I swear to God,
I thought we was going
with a symbolic empty casket.
This is disgusting.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[Benny] Places, people!
Let's go.
♪
[gasping, screaming]
- [choir vocalizing]
- Fairfax, we mourning.
We mourning a friend
and a mentor.
We mourning a flawed,
mortgaged-out-the-ass
motherfucker.
But [sighs] we loved him.
We loved him,
didn't we, Fairfax?
Because he was our principal.
Weston, rise up ♪
Weston, rise up, yeah ♪
Weston, walking, walking,
walking, walking ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- [cheering]
- Yeah ♪
Uh, uh, uh. Move, Tyrese.
I'm saving this for someone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Where is that little white boy?!
Ah!
What the hell is happening?
When we heard Benny and Truman
were throwing a funeral
for Weston, we knew
we had to up our grieving game.
- Nobody out-grieves the Triangle.
- [both] Yeah!
What better way to pay
our respects
than with a flyover
parachute drop-in
alongside Weston's
first follower
and the homey
who helped his soul move on?
I have to get back
to the funeral!
They can't bury him!
Fastest way back is down,
my man.
- Let's go.
- What?
[all shouting]
[screaming]
And now, I will lead
the Esports team
in a Call of Duty 21-gun salute.
Ready! Salute.
[gunfire]
- Help! Help!
- [pounding]
[screaming]
Holy shit!
Aah!
Now, let us open
the retractable roof
and release
the Doves of Remembrance
as we lower Weston
into the earth.
[cooing]
[sputters] Didn't I meet you
at the Shelton-Stefani wedding
in Malibu?
Shit. Looks like I'm gonna get
my die on down here.
♪
Hey.
Ugh, you again.
What do you want?
It's me. Operator 24601.
Weston's your grief.
I'm your relief.
You? I I wanted it to be
- Fairfax Middle! It's Cody and the Triangle.
- [cheering]
Coming to you live from the sky
with Weston's
number one follower,
- our boy Dale Rubin.
- Aah!
Look up to the sky
if you love Weston.
And special thanks
to Benny and Truman
for being our opening act.
Very cute job.
[groans] That motherfucker.
Cubby, hit 'em with a chemtrail.
[whooping]
- [cheering]
- Holy shit, that's so much better
than doves and fire dancers!
[groaning]
No, no. [grunting]
Weston. Weston. No.
[crying] No! I'm too late.
He's really dead,
and it's all my fault!
[all] Aw
[crying] No. No!
Get it together, Weston.
You can't die.
Imagine how sad
those kids would be.
- [crying]
- Let it out, homey.
I can't take it anymore!
I can't stand the lies!
I have a confession to make.
- Principal Weston is
- [screaming]
- Alive!
- [screams]
- Aah!
- [gasping]
Relax, y'all, I'm not a zombie.
I just faked my death.
But I never would have
if I knew how much you kids
cared about me.
- [booing]
- Boo, you're a liar!
- We liked you better when you were just a memory.
- Liar.
Ooh! Damn, B!
Just when we were
about to blow up.
I can no longer be associated
with this service.
- Let's get the fuck out of here.
- [booing, jeering]
Where the hell were you
with the air tank, Dale?
I almost died because of you.
He knew
the whole frigging time?!
- [booing]
- No, Lily. Wait! [grunting]
[chuckles] That is insane,
right?
I'm so sorry. Where were we?
You were about to say
that you meant all that stuff
you said to me on the phone?
I don't know, Derica.
This is all super weird.
That was when Weston was dead.
I'm just
I'm just really confused
right now.
I'm sorry. I just
I have to go call Nabisco!
- [crying]
- Wait, I [groans]
[booing]
I'm handing out detentions
to anyone booing.
Luis, you better put
that apple down.
[grunts] My nuts!
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
♪
The block is hot ♪
Chirp.