Funny Woman (2023) s02e02 Episode Script

1
The following programme
contains strong language.
# WILBERT HARRISON:
Let's Stick Together #
(POSH ACCENT):
Good morning, gentlemen.
(INHALES AND EXHALES SHARPLY)
My show, my terms.
My show, my terms.
I propose that we reunite,
for the purposes of making
Just Barbara.
for the purposes of making
Just Barbara.
And as Britain's topmost comedy
writers,
we also have some terms
And some conditions
That will need to be met.
That will also need to be met.
That will need to be met.
That will also need to be met.
More pay.
Double the money.
Photographs of our faces
to appear on the screen credits.
Photographs of our faces
to appear on the screen credits.
Like Galton and Simpson.
Caption before the show title.
Yeah, to read "Bill Gardiner
and Tony Holmes present"
Yeah, to read "Bill Gardiner
and Tony Holmes present"
Anything else?
A slap-up lunch.
Hmm.
And what do I get in return?
Some extremely well-crafted gags.
Some extremely well-crafted gags.
Quite well-crafted gags.
Well, thank you for outlining
your terms, gentlemen.
Well, thank you for outlining
your terms, gentlemen.
I will take them
intoserious consideration.
Right, done that.
(ALL LAUGH)
Have whatever ya like, lads,
it's good to have you back.
(ALL CHEER) (POSH ACCENT):
Eunice, bring on the biscuits.
(ALL CHEER) (POSH ACCENT):
Eunice, bring on the biscuits.
# Bring on the chocolates, yes
please. #Smashing, I'm starving!
Oh, shit.Oh, crumbs.You chancers
are lucky to have a job.
Thank you for the terms
and conditions,
Thank you for the terms
and conditions,
they are utterly ridiculous.
(GASPS)Now, do get out.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Thanks, boss. Sorry to disturb.
Thanks, boss. Sorry to disturb.
Thank you so much.
Sorry, Ted.
(WHISPERS): Out!
(WHIMPERS)
# EMMA FRANKIN: Piece Of My Heart #
# EMMA FRANKIN: Piece Of My Heart #
# But when you hold me in your
a-arms
# I'll say it again
# So, come on
# So, come on
# Come on
# Come on
# Come on, and take it
# Take another little piece
of my heart now, baby
# Take another little piece
of my heart now, baby
# Hey
# Break it
# Break another little bit
of my heart now, baby
# Break another little bit
of my heart now, baby
# You can
# Have a
# Have another little piece
of my heart now, baby
# You know you got it if it makes
you feel good
# You know you got it if it makes
you feel good
# You're out on the street #
Oh, yes, Ted, of course, Ted.
Can I lick your arse, Ted(?)
Oh, yes, Ted, of course, Ted.
Can I lick your arse, Ted(?)
Oh, give it a rest, Bill.
What were you doing?
Uh, standing there
thinking about shoes.
Ah, the old familiar Bill
and Tony tang of fags,
Ah, the old familiar Bill
and Tony tang of fags,
sweat and desperation.Er, excuse me,
I'm always expensively perfumed.
Well, he dowsed himself
just for you, in eau de odour.
Well, he dowsed himself
just for you, in eau de odour.
Great example there of a gag that
only works on the page, Tony.
And here's one
that only works on the finger, Bill.
So, chaps
So, chaps
any thoughts on act one?
What, of the sitcom?
No, the Merchant of Venice(!)
Yeah, of course the fucking sitcom.
Alright, give us a chance. (SCOFFS)
Alright, give us a chance. (SCOFFS)
Well, I just, I thought I saw
a piece of paper with words on it.
No, er,
y-you must be thinking of this.
What's that, Tone?
It's from the director general.
What's that, Tone?
It's from the director general.
Oh, crikey, the director general?
Yeah,
it's just welcoming us back,
but there are some new taste
and decency rules
for the old green book.Oh.
and decency rules
for the old green book.Oh.
Oh, great(!)"Firstly, the word
'bottom' can now be used
"only in the context
of scraping barrels
"or to indicate the underside
of an object,
"or to indicate the underside
of an object,
"NOT to describe the fleshy mounds
attached to a human nethers.
"This area will now be referred to
as 'upper leg lumps'
"This area will now be referred to
as 'upper leg lumps'
"or 'chunky back-balls'."
"'Balls' must only be
used in the context of tennis,
"'Balls' must only be
used in the context of tennis,
"but not in the context
of a gentleman's hairy baggage,
"and 'nuts' must only be mentioned
as something you put in your mouth."
"and 'nuts' must only be mentioned
as something you put in your mouth."
(INHALES SHARPLY) "We hope you will
find these guidelines useful
"for your new shit-com."
"Just bra-bra."
"for your new shit-com."
"Just bra-bra."
"Yours sincerely, Director General
Sir Nigel Mingeworthy Wankerton."
(LAUGHS)
Well, I just (SIGHS)
Oh, wow. Yes, that's very,
very helpful(!)(LAUGHS)
Oh, wow. Yes, that's very,
very helpful(!)(LAUGHS)
But, erm, lads, you Oh,
you forgot his, er, PS at the end.
But, erm, lads, you Oh,
you forgot his, er, PS at the end.
"I would also like to invite you
all over to my house for drinks,
"where I will be serving my own
mouth-watering cock."
Excuse me?
Tails! Cocktails!
Excuse me?
Tails! Cocktails!
(LAUGHS)
Hmm.God.(LAUGHS)
(LIGHTER CLICKS)
Erm
Sophie.
Sophie.
(CLOCK TICKS)
Would you like a cup of tea?
# JOHNNIE TAYLOR:
You Can't Get Away From It #
# JOHNNIE TAYLOR:
You Can't Get Away From It #
Yes, I-I would love a cup of tea.
Thank you, Dennis.
# You can't get away from it
# You can't get away from it
# No matter how hard you try
# Cos if you really lover someone
# Cos if you really lover someone
# You can't ever say goodbye
# You can't ever say goodbye
# Now they can walk on you
# Lie about you #
(BUCKET WHEELS SQUEAK)
(SIGHS)
(BUCKET WHEELS SQUEAK)
(SIGHS)
(SQUEAKING CONTINUES)
(SIGHS)
You wanna put some oil on that,
Marie.
It's like you're strangling
a budgie.
She was right on the end
of the telephone,
She was right on the end
of the telephone,
and you couldn't rouse
yourself to say hello.
(SIGHS) God.You know it wasn't like
that.Well, What was it like?
She wanted to hear your voice,
She wanted to hear your voice,
hear you say it was alright.
Well, I can't do that.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Didn't think it was that bad.
It was a bit cheeky chops,
but it made me smile.
(SIGHS) I'm not talking about the
telly show,
(SIGHS) I'm not talking about the
telly show,
sister of mine, I'm talking about
what happened with her mother.
We decided-
You decided.
We decided-
You decided.
I always warned you
that all this cloak
and dagger nonsense would come
back to bite us on the bum side.
Backside. I didn't get a say.
(SIGHS)
Oh, change the bloody record, Marie.
Oh, change the bloody record, Marie.
I'm sorry that you never had
a kiddie of your own.
I have made my peace with that,
but I have not made my peace with
I have made my peace with that,
but I have not made my peace with
(SIGHS) Our Sophie, doesn't have a
clue what's going on!Our Sophie?
Don't call her that.
I will call her what I like.
She's our Barbara.
She's not our Barbara anymore.
She's our Barbara.
She's not our Barbara anymore.
We've lost her.
And I miss her.
I miss her! (CRYING)
I miss her! (CRYING)
And you think I don't?
(SEAGULLS CRY)
Alright, alright, alright,
not that. Er
Right, erm What about this?
Er,
Barbara goes on a cookery course,
Er,
Barbara goes on a cookery course,
er, finally meets the perfect fella,
cos he CAN cook,
but he He He's not falling for
her charms.No,
but he He He's not falling for
her charms.No,
wouldn't happen.Well, why not?
Some men are great in the kitchen.
No, that's not what I meant.
(SIGHS)I meantthe charm.
No, that's not what I meant.
(SIGHS)I meantthe charm.
Sophie, you'll just have to tell us,
what is it like out
there for a modern young woman?
Well, I'm not really out there.
Well, I'm not really out there.
I'm I'm I'm more out but in.
I know the feeling.Come on, Soph,
you've been with different fellas,
I know the feeling.Come on, Soph,
you've been with different fellas,
and you've been engaged
a couple of times.Oh, my God.
You make me
sound like Elizabeth Taylor.
How many times she
been divorced? Five, six?
Teen?Yes, well, let's not
shame a woman for being divorced.
Teen?Yes, well, let's not
shame a woman for being divorced.
Yes, alright then, Den.
Come on, what about you?
You must've, er, done some,
catting around before you met Edith.
You must've, er, done some,
catting around before you met Edith.
I met Edith during fresher's
week at Cambridge.Oh!
(THEY MOCK)
So, there's actually a week where the
students get fresh with each other?
Well, it's
It's not that sort of fresh.
Exactly that kind of fresh
from what I've heard.
Exactly that kind of fresh
from what I've heard.
Erm, Bill
(CLEARS THROAT)
..why don't you, er,
tell us about your experiences?
Well, my experiences
are going in my book.
Well, my experiences
are going in my book.
You'll have to pay
if you want to read about those.
Tony, what about you?
Well, thanks for asking, Bill.
Tony, what about you?
Well, thanks for asking, Bill.
I-I would love to share the personal
aspects of my private life
for you to rip the piss out of(!)
How about Barbara's just ended it
with her boyfriend, and-
How about Barbara's just ended it
with her boyfriend, and-
They have break-up sex.
Or make-up sex.
Make-up sex?
Sex with make-up? Is that a thing?
Oh, it's a thing.
There's no sex going on at all.
There's no sex going on at all.
Shall we just go
for that slap-up lunch?
Alright. Come on, let's get on.
Alright. Come on, let's get on.
No, no, no, no, no, the best
punishment in Dante's Divine Comedy
No, no, no, no, no, the best
punishment in Dante's Divine Comedy
is the one inflicted
on the gluttons.
(ALL LAUGH)
Pushed into a stinking pit of mud
(ALL LAUGH)
Pushed into a stinking pit of mud
and watched over
by a three-headed hound.
Now, that's funny!
(ALL LAUGH)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Your ex could learn a thing or two
about the classics. (CLEARS THROAT)
Your ex could learn a thing or two
about the classics. (CLEARS THROAT)
Ah, I think Dennis is
aware of the legacy.
I wish he were aware of the urgency
of giving you a divorce.
I wish he were aware of the urgency
of giving you a divorce.
Can't expect to be sitting here
like a chump, twiddling my thumbs.
I'm sorry, Vernon, it's
it's not that simple, I Oh.
it's not that simple, I Oh.
Goodness.
(PEOPLE CHATTER)
So
That's awkward.
So
That's awkward.
Edith and Vernon Whitshit.
Mahindra.
What are you doing standing
there like a pillar of salt?
Den, you make a run for it,
we'll, uh, cover it with dance.
Den, you make a run for it,
we'll, uh, cover it with dance.
We were just
talking about Dante's Divine Comedy.
We were just
talking about Dante's Divine Comedy.
Sorry to hear about your own fall
from grace on the other channel.
It was hardly the fiery pit of hell.
Um (CLEARS THROAT)
It was hardly the fiery pit of hell.
Um (CLEARS THROAT)
We were just thinking about doing
a piece on Pipe Smoke,
looking at
looking at
modern comedy
in the context of the classics.
Well, I'm sure everyone's
looking forward to that.
We should have you on as a guest.
We should have you on as a guest.
Oh, uh, are we
Are we sure about that?
I'm sure there are more qualified
people than me to talk about that.
Yes, and we'll make sure
they're on the programme too. Ha!
Yes, and we'll make sure
they're on the programme too. Ha!
Alright, w-well, we should be
getting on. Show won't write itself.
Er, well, from what I've seen
of the previous series,
it certainly looked as if this one
was making it up as she went along.
it certainly looked as if this one
was making it up as she went along.
(LAUGHS)
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Oh, I've got an appointment.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Oh, I've got an appointment.
And, erm, we We should get
back to our editorial.
Whaddaya say, Mahindra?
Continue this on air?
Join us on Pipe Smoke.
Defend modern comedy.
Defend modern comedy.
How am I going to bear working
next to Den for months on end?
Maybe I should explore other options.
Hang on, you were only just banging
on about how excited you were
Hang on, you were only just banging
on about how excited you were
to be "back in the room"
with Tony and Bill and Den.
Yeah, but it's not the same.
It's not fun.
Alright, it's work.
It's not supposed to be fun.
Alright, it's work.
It's not supposed to be fun.
This is great.
I'm loving this conflict.Oi! Oi!
W-What's that? Where'd you get that?
What is that?(CAMERA WHIRRS)
I can't get
a job in front of the camera,
since I'm apparently too much
of a risk, which
either means I'm too much of a woman
or too much of a, not white.
or too much of a, not white.
So, I decided to seize the means
of production
and get behind it.
That's brilliant, Diane.
and get behind it.
That's brilliant, Diane.
Thanks.
Oh, my God, she was at Pandy's party!
Lynda Jay? Are you sure?
She was really nice. We had a chat.
She gave me her number.
Sophie, she is a snake.
She gave me her number.
Sophie, she is a snake.
She's made a career
taking other women down.
You didn't say anything?
You didn't say anything?
No.
I mean, we did
We talked about my dad,
but obviously I didn't say anything.
Cos he's not even speaking to me,
but obviously I didn't say anything.
Cos he's not even speaking to me,
so I've no clue what's going on.
What's he trying to hide?
Whole thing's driving me doolally.
What's he trying to hide?
Whole thing's driving me doolally.
Er Er, have you thought about
trying to find your mum?(SIGHS)
Well, where would I even start?
All I know is she liked
a bit of ballroom dancing.
I mean, what use is that?I mean, it
can't be that hard, though, can it?
Someone surely could find her.
Someone surely could find her.
Diane could have a dig.
Couldn't you?
I can't believe you said yes.
"Welcome to Pipe Smoke,
"the show where boring bastards
blow smoke
"up other boring bastards'
bum holes."Oh, yeah.
"up other boring bastards'
bum holes."Oh, yeah.
"I'm Vernon Whitfart."
"I'm Vernon Fuckfield."
"I'm Vernon-"
Chaps, chaps.(LAUGHS)
This whole mispronouncing his name
thing, it's old hat.
This whole mispronouncing his name
thing, it's old hat.
His name is Venereal Whitfelch.
(THEY SPIT)
"Majorie. Tell me about yourself."
"Majorie. Tell me about yourself."
What do you Like what?
My name is Marjorie.
Mm-hmm.I-I work in a
My name is Marjorie.
Mm-hmm.I-I work in a
I work in a shop,
inin the shoes department.
And do you have a boyfriend?
I have a Roger.
(LAUGHS)
I have a Roger.
(LAUGHS)
And what does Roger do?
Er, well,
plenty of things.
M-Mostly carpentry.
So, he's good with his hands?
(LAUGHS)
So, he's good with his hands?
(LAUGHS)
"Do grow up, you two."
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, so go on. Is it love?
I've never been in love before.
I mean, how wouldIknow?
I've never been in love before.
I mean, how wouldIknow?
When you know, you know.
It's a really special feeling.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I mean, I get a special feeling when
Rog has a noodle in my nick-nocks
I mean, I get a special feeling when
Rog has a noodle in my nick-nocks
(THEY GASP)
..but that's not love, is it?
Oh, Marjorie!
Mar-jor-ie!What?
I mean, you do know it's a setup,
right, Dennis?
I mean, you do know it's a setup,
right, Dennis?
That Pipe Smoke lot,
they hated Jim and Barbara.
They slagged it off every week.
And he was really mean about Soph.
And he was really mean about Soph.
This is Dennis' right to reply.
A head-to-head with Verble Wartcock.
(LAUGHS)
Right, well, if you ARE
going on national television
Right, well, if you ARE
going on national television
we need to get you kitted out.
In what, an asbestos suit?
No, no, no,
Dennis needs to make an impact.
No, no, no,
Dennis needs to make an impact.
Like Scarlett O'Hara
in her red dress.
I think I'd look good
in a red dress.
(LAUGHS)
Mm.
(LAUGHS)
Mm.
Mm, no.
(CATCHY MUSIC PLAYS IN BAR)
What you need
..is a revenge suit.
# SMALL FACES:
What'cha Gonna Do About It #
# What you gonna do about it? #
# ROY ORBISON: Oh, Pretty Woman #
(BELL RINGS)
Hey!Oh!Oh!Watch out!
(BELL RINGS)
Hey!Oh!Oh!Watch out!
My name is Mr Edwards.
If you'd like to follow me, please.
# Pretty woman walkin'
down the street
# Pretty woman walkin'
down the street
# Pretty woman
# The kind I'd like to meet
# Pretty woman
# Pretty woman
Thank you very much
# You're not the truth
# No one could look as good as you
# No one could look as good as you
# Mercy
Needs more pizazz.
Next.
Needs more pizazz.
Next.
# Pretty woman
# Won't you pardon me?
I like it.
I like it.
He's not a cage dancer
on Ready, Steady, Go!.
Very, er
Johnny Morris in
Very, er
Johnny Morris in
Animal Magic.
Er, it needs to shout louder.
# Grrrow
Abracadabra.I feel like I'm about
to saw someone in half.
Abracadabra.I feel like I'm about
to saw someone in half.
What about a suit
something like this, hm?
Nothing shouts passion like purple.
Except for when it shouts,
"Here comes the Pope."
Except for when it shouts,
"Here comes the Pope."
Nathan, go and fetch the purple
rolls of silk to show Mr Mahindra.
Yeah, I'll help.
Yeah, I'll help.
# Pretty woman, yeah, yeah, yeah
# Pretty woman, look my way
# Pretty woman, look my way
# Pretty woman,
say you'll stay with me
# Pretty woman,
say you'll stay with me
# Cos I need you
# I'll treat you right
# Come to me, baby
# Come to me, baby
# Be mine toni-i-ight
# Be mine toni-i-ight
# Pretty woman. #
You are pushing your luck, mate.
You are pushing your luck, mate.
It's Savile Row,
not Hampstead Heath.
I wasn't gonna get busted in there.
I meant pushing it with me.
Soph got us back together.
We owe it to her to do a good job
Soph got us back together.
We owe it to her to do a good job
..alright, but you're too busy
getting tugged off in a tailors.
Ugh, and everyone thinks you're
the cuddly one.Fuck off, mate!
I'm just saying we both need
to get our heads in the game.
I'm just saying we both need
to get our heads in the game.
Yeah, well I'm trying.
It's hard with star-crossed lovers
in the writers' room.
It's hardly a fun factory, is it?
I know,
but if we don't step things up,
I know,
but if we don't step things up,
Ted Sargent is gonna flush us
and our scripts
straight down the shitter.
OK, well, you go home
and step things up.
OK, well, you go home
and step things up.
I'm stepping off over there.
What What,
another one of your secret clubs?
No. I'm having a drink
with my literary agent
to discuss what she calls
my magnum opus.
to discuss what she calls
my magnum opus.
Right, Bill, a-about this book.
You're not, you know,
using real names and
You're not, you know,
using real names and
..putting in
personal details and that?Yeah.
Yeah, there's a whole
chapter all about you, Tone.
Yeah, there's a whole
chapter all about you, Tone.
Is that a problem?
(LAUGHS)
# SMALL FACES: All Or Nothing #
# All or nothing
# SMALL FACES: All Or Nothing #
# All or nothing
# Yeah, yeah
# All or nothing
# Come on, ha, yeah!
# All or nothing
# All or nothing
# Yeah!
# All or nothing
# Yeah, yeah, yeah
# All or nothing
# I guess I'm singing to myself
# All or nothing
# I guess I'm singing to myself
# All or nothing
# Yeah, yeah, for me, yeah. #
# Yeah, yeah, for me, yeah. #
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in!
Young lady for you, sir.
Please, don't make it sound like
I ordered one.
I'm so sorry to bother you.
And yet here you are.
I'm so sorry to bother you.
And yet here you are.
I-I'm not sure if it
tickles the tonsils
or has an unexpected finish,
but thank you.
For the other day. On the phone.
For the other day. On the phone.
I trust you got your way
with Mr Sargent.
I did. Yes.
If you'll excuse me.
Charming to see you, Sophie,
but why are you here?
Er, you said to stop by,
so I'm stopping by.
OK, I'm running late,
and you find me un peu deshabille.
OK, I'm running late,
and you find me un peu deshabille.
Un peu deshabille.
Oui.
Vous parlez Francais?
Beg pardon?
Do you speak French?
Do you speak French?
I speak fluent American.
(AMERICAN ACCENT): Say, Mr Allen,
let me fix you a highball!'
(LAUGHS)
I don't know what a highball is.
(LAUGHS)
I don't know what a highball is.
Give me that before you smash the
stemware.I want you to be my agent.
Please.
Unusually for you, Sophie Straw,
your timing's off.
Unusually for you, Sophie Straw,
your timing's off.
I have to be at Buckingham Palace
15 minutes ago.
Are you the queen's agent?
Er
I leave that to 007.
(LAUGHS)
I leave that to 007.
(LAUGHS)
One of my, uh, Brit clients
is getting a knighthood
for services to the acting industry.
Ooh.
Though his services to the cocaine
industry have been more significant.
Though his services to the cocaine
industry have been more significant.
Oh, ho-ho.
You didn't hear me say that.
No No.We'll, uh
We'll talk next time I'm in town.
Oh OK.
Oh OK.
(SNIFFLES)
I just(SOFTLY): Alright
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Damn it.
It's right over left and under.
Do you want me to?
Yeah. In
In the States they're all elastic.
The fishy comes through the hole
to the bunny,
The fishy comes through the hole
to the bunny,
and they kiss.
What happened? Last time we met,
you wanted to cement your name
on the TV comedy walk of fame.I
you wanted to cement your name
on the TV comedy walk of fame.I
I I do. I do. But I-I
I might need to explore some other
options further afield.
In a film, perhaps.
In a film, perhaps.
Might this be for personal reasons?
Oh, that would be very
unprofessional.Although,
that's something I can work with.
Hmm.
This movie, the lead actress dropped
out suffering from exhaustion.
This movie, the lead actress dropped
out suffering from exhaustion.
She's currently exhausted
somewhere in the Caribbean,
on top of Warren Beatty.
Oh.They need a replacement.
Oh, I told you,
I can't speak French.
Oh, I told you,
I can't speak French.
Who cares?
You can do the accent. Plus,
all these "nouvelle vague"
films? They're all about the pout.
# GILLIAN HILLS: Tut Tut Tut Tut #
# GILLIAN HILLS: Tut Tut Tut Tut #
(SINGER SINGS IN FRENCH)
No?Looks like you're pushing
a kidney stone,
but not bad.
Can you get on a plane tonight?
but not bad.
Can you get on a plane tonight?
Oh, I can't go
and do a film right now.
Sophie, this business is 1% talent,
99% opportunity.
Sophie, this business is 1% talent,
99% opportunity.
Are you saying I'm 1% talented?
I'm saying this is the opportunity.
Put the booze kettle on, Marj.
Put the booze kettle on, Marj.
Let me tell you about my day.
(WOMEN LAUGH AND CHATTER)
Marj!
(WOMEN LAUGH AND CHATTER)
Marj!
Marj, I feel like I'm trapped in one
of my own worst nightmares.
What's the entire
staff of Lewis Peters doing here?
What's the entire
staff of Lewis Peters doing here?
Making placards.
Yeah, I can see that.
In aid of what?
For the equal pay picket
that I keep telling you about.
Us girls get paid way less than men
for doing the same job
Us girls get paid way less than men
for doing the same job
for the same amount of hours.And
you think these signs will sort it?
Well-
What's "wombat power"?
Oh, that's meant to say "womban".
N, not a T.
Oh, that's meant to say "womban".
N, not a T.
Er, oi, Sharon, finish your placard!
Yeah? Alright, I'm coming down.
"It's time to get Eve."
Who's Eve,
and why do we have to get her?Even.
Who's Eve,
and why do we have to get her?Even.
"It's time to get even." OK.
Er, everybody, remember,
if you're doing a slogan,
leave enough space for all
of the words to fit, yeah?
leave enough space for all
of the words to fit, yeah?
Stop picking holes in my placards,
you.
Hey, you can't take these into work!
Old Miss Syksey'll
blow a ruddy gasket.
Old Miss Syksey'll
blow a ruddy gasket.
"Old Miss Sykesy" is the Union Rep!
Cocking hell! Sorry, Miss Sykes.
Don't be.
We could do with more gobby
girls like you on our side.
(LAUGHS)
I never had you pegged as a union
type, Miss Sykes.
I never had you pegged as a union
type, Miss Sykes.
Neither would I, but one day,
I realised that all the men
I started out with
in the stockroom owned their own
houses and drove flashy cars,
and every summer,
they holidayed in Majora.
I rent a shitty bed-sitting room,
travel by bus
and holiday one weekend
a year in Margate, with my mother.
and holiday one weekend
a year in Margate, with my mother.
Hmm.I have been passed over
and paid less for 30 years.
So, yes, I think it's time to get
a little bit "fighty", don't you?
So, yes, I think it's time to get
a little bit "fighty", don't you?
Yes.
I once saw Clive's pay cheque.
Yes.
I once saw Clive's pay cheque.
He got double what I got, but I just
thought I was lucky to be there.
Well, come along.
Hold a placard with us.
We could do with bringing a little
publicity and glamour to the cause.
We could do with bringing a little
publicity and glamour to the cause.
I can't, I'm sorry.
Oh, Linda,
you're placard's coming apart.
Oh, Linda,
you're placard's coming apart.
Diane! Where have you been?
Been doing some research.
Oh, never mind that.
You should be writing about this.
Oh, never mind that.
You should be writing about this.
(SIGHS) Where have all the eggs gone?
I'm starving!Oh, I-I've taken the
eggs for ammunition, dear. You know,
if it all kicks off, I shall be
aiming for a policeman's helmet.
if it all kicks off, I shall be
aiming for a policeman's helmet.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God!
(SIGHS) (WOMEN CHATTER)Erm, I think
we need a bit of peace and quiet.
Alright, everyone, sorry,
can we pack up and that?
Beg your pardon, Miss Sykes. Sir.
Don't apologise, Marjorie.
Don't apologise, Marjorie.
We really appreciate you helping
the cause.Ooh, what's this?
Research.
Found out where your mum works.
(LIGHTER TOP SHUTS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Hello, you.
Oh You alright?
Yeah. Work was the usual.
Yeah. Work was the usual.
They loved
all my illustrations for the book.
Oh, that's great.Then told me
to completely change them.
Oh.
(SIGHS) Baby's a bitkicky.
Oh.
(SIGHS) Baby's a bitkicky.
Er What? What baby?
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) Come here.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Oh!
(GRUFF VOICE): Hello, mate.
Hm. Oh, don't
Don't Don't read that, it's shit.
Hm. Oh, don't
Don't Don't read that, it's shit.
You always say
that about the first draft.
First draft? I haven't even finished
the first page.
I-I-I-I keep thinking about that
wanky "pram in the hall" quote.
I-I-I-I keep thinking about that
wanky "pram in the hall" quote.
God, what was that? "There's no
moresombre enemy of good art-"
God, what was that? "There's no
moresombre enemy of good art-"
I-I-I-I don't know who I am
ififif I can't write.
What's the new show about?
Blah.
Not our sex life again, I hope.
Blah.
Not our sex life again, I hope.
No.
But Bill'd love that.
He'sstarted needling me again.
He'sstarted needling me again.
(LIGHTER TOP OPENS)
(LIGHTER CLICKS)
(LIGHTER TOP SHUTS)
(LIGHTER TOP SHUTS)
Do you ever wish you were Bill?
What-No, it's OK.
I know you still think about it.
What-No, it's OK.
I know you still think about it.
I think about other men too.
What? What?
What? What?
Really? F Fuck!
Sh-Should, er Should we talk,
talk about this or?
I don't know. (LAUGHS)
I don't want to be Bill
I don't know. (LAUGHS)
I don't want to be Bill
..alright?But you know,
i-i-i-it's not simple,
and I hate how everyone assumes that
having a baby solves everything.
and I hate how everyone assumes that
having a baby solves everything.
I-I-I'm still absolutely terrified.
Oh, God, me too. (GROANS)
Juney, if we're like this now,
Juney, if we're like this now,
what we gonna be like when
the baby arrives
and there really is
a massive pram in the hall?
We will move
the pram to the kitchen.
(LAUGHS)
Are we?
Are we?
Are we just a couple of freaks?
(LAUGHS)
Hell yeah.
(LAUGHS)
(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)
(PEOPLE CHATTER)
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
(WIND WHISTLES)
# THE ZOMBIES:
The Way I Feel Inside #
# THE ZOMBIES:
The Way I Feel Inside #
# The way I feel inside
# My heart, for you?
# My heart, for you?
GEORGE:
"Go on, give us a smile, love."
(LAUGHS ON VIDEO)
"Cheeky! Come on."
(LAUGHS ON VIDEO)
"Cheeky! Come on."
# In your mind
# Could you ever be
# Really close to me?
# Really close to me?
# I can tell the way you smile
# If I feel that I
# Could be certain, then
# Could be certain, then
# I would say the things
# I want to stay tonight #
(GENTLE OLD-FASHIONED MUSIC
PLAYS IN VENUE)
How'd you find me?
Well, the only thing
I knew about you
..ballroom dancing.
My friend, Diane, did the rest.
I suppose there are a few trophies
with my name on it.
I suppose there are a few trophies
with my name on it.
A couple of pieces in the papers.
But they don't give first
prize to home breakers,
But they don't give first
prize to home breakers,
so that was the end of that.
Well,
I'm sorry you never
got your happy-ever-after after all.
Gave up on happy a long time ago.
So, these letters you wrote
when I was just a kid
..what did they say?
Nothing. It's, uh
Nothing. It's, uh
silly stuff.
But if it were just silly stuff,
why
Why didn't my dad let me see them?
He had nothing to hide! I don't
understand-I've got cleaning to do.
(DANCERS CHATTER)
One time I wrote to you
about a butterfly
One time I wrote to you
about a butterfly
..that landed
right in the palm of my hand.
And you loved butterflies, so
And you loved butterflies, so
So, I told it to fly all the way
to Blackpool
..and give you a kiss from me.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
# EILEEN:
These Boots Are Made For Walking #
# These boots are made for walking
# And that's just what they'll do
#
# And that's just what they'll do
#
(CLEARS THROAT) Friends
..fellow workerswomen.
..fellow workerswomen.
I-I stand here today
not as yourmighty leader,
as some have dubbed me, but
as some have dubbed me, but
as your humble representative.
(THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMENT)
"In 1964, Harold Wilson puffed
on his pongy pipe
"and made promises to us,
working women."
"and made promises to us,
working women."
He lured us in,
and it won him the election.
(WOMEN MURMUR IN AGREEMENT)
As soon as he entered Number 10,
As soon as he entered Number 10,
he pulled out and abandoned us.
Typical man.
(WOMEN SCOFF IN AGREEMENT)
Our bosses must give us equal pay.
WOMEN: Mm-hmm.
Our bosses must give us equal pay.
WOMEN: Mm-hmm.
And I say to you,
our loyal supporters
our loyal supporters
(CAMERA WHIRRS)
# We shall overcome
God, she's like Eva Peron.
# We shall overcome
God, she's like Eva Peron.
Mm-hmm.
# We shall overcome
(HIGH-PITCHED): # Someday
Yeah, or Minnie Mouse, maybe.
(HIGH-PITCHED): # Someday
Yeah, or Minnie Mouse, maybe.
(LAUGHS) Join in.
ALL: Deep in my heart
# I do believe #
# I do believe #
Did you see how much Irene
had stuck on her sign?
A for effort.
She was trying, she was trying.
A for effort.
She was trying, she was trying.
Not great on execution.
You're just gonnaI have a word.
Oh, you'll have a word, will you?
Hi. Hey, come and have a beer.
We're celebrating.Nah,
Hi. Hey, come and have a beer.
We're celebrating.Nah,
I'm alright, thanks. I'm
gonna make a cup of Bovril in a bit.
Does anyone want one?
Well, that's it, everyone.
Does anyone want one?
Well, that's it, everyone.
The very real Sophie Straw prefers
Bovril to beer.(SEVERAL LAUGH)
("These Boots Are Made For Walking"
PLAYS)
(SIGHS)
(GLASS THUDS)
(SIGHS)
(GLASS THUDS)
(SIGHS) I've had a long day.
Bit strange.
Yeah, we've had a mad one as well,
haven't we, girls? We got a mention
in the paper for the picket.
haven't we, girls? We got a mention
in the paper for the picket.
Now, there's no actual picture,
erm, but it's still great that
they're noticing us.
Da-da-da-daaa.
Da-da-da-daaa.
Oh, that's great. Well done.
She's probably just tired
or something.She is fine,
thank you.
(SIGHS) Fine.
Ahem. Oh. Oh yeah.
Ahem. Oh. Oh yeah.
Yeah, alright, don't make a big song
and dance about it.
Make up your mind.
(SIGHS)
Can you not embarrass me
in front of my friends, please?
Oh, I'm sorry if I'm embarrassing
you in my own flat.
Oh, I'm sorry if I'm embarrassing
you in my own flat.
MY flat, actually.
Are you that put out by the fact
that I am in the papers?
You can't stand anybody else
having the limelight?
If that's what you think of me,
you don't know me.
If that's what you think of me,
you don't know me.
Well you only know the me
that you want me to be, don't ya?
Your little friend, Marjorie.
That's not fair! I said well done.
That's not fair! I said well done.
You haven't even asked me how I am
or where I've been.
Oh, showbiz party, was it?
A photoshoot for Vogue?
Ladies, ladies,
maybe we can calm it down a bit,
yeah? Thank you, Roger.
maybe we can calm it down a bit,
yeah? Thank you, Roger.
I think we're capable of having a
conversation without a man telling us
how to do it.Don't have a go at
Roger, he's only trying to help.
What's the matter with you?
Nothing. Everything!
What's the matter with you?
Nothing. Everything!
I just want a bit of bloody privacy!
Oh, right, well yesterday,
you wanted to be Lucille Ball.
Today it's Greta Garbo.
(PEOPLE CHATTER IN OTHER ROOM)
Stupid placards everywhere.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Look, she'll be fine tomorrow.
Look, she'll be fine tomorrow.
Yeah, you say that,
but you don't know what she's like.
# Yes, they belong to only me
# For eternity
# For eternity
(CAR HORN HONKS)
(HONKING CONTINUES)
Ugh!
Ugh!
# Always be mine
# You're mine #
# You're mine #
Hello?
(CLOCK TICKS)
(DOG BARKS OUTSIDE IN DISTANCE)
(CLOCK TICKS)
(DOG BARKS OUTSIDE IN DISTANCE)
Pandy, can I stop here for a bit?
(GASPS) Oh, bum
(SIGHS)
# THE TROGGS: Lost Girl #
# THE TROGGS: Lost Girl #
# The times we had
# The times we spent
# The times we spent
# The day we met
# By accident
# Was easy come
# Was easy go
# Was easy go
# It seems a pity
# Cos I love you so
# Yes, I did #
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hats off for rising to the
challenge, Mahindra. Many wouldn't.
Hats off for rising to the
challenge, Mahindra. Many wouldn't.
I look forward to it.
Vernon will give you
aa short briefing.
Rather tautological. Obviously
it's short, it's a briefing.
Rather tautological. Obviously
it's short, it's a briefing.
Ahem. You can have
that for one of your comedy scripts.
Right,
so just a reminder of protocol.
We're live on air, so be mindful of
anything that might be slanderous,
We're live on air, so be mindful of
anything that might be slanderous,
and uh, do, of course,
keep it clean, chaps.
(CREW CHATTER)
Right, well I'm needed in
the control booth, so I'll
..leave you men to it.
See you out there.
..leave you men to it.
See you out there.
New suit?
Mm.
Hmm.
(DOOR CLOSES)Yes, a shame we're in
black and white. Ahem.
(LIGHT MUSIC ON TV)
(LIGHT MUSIC ON TV)
Right.
(BURPS) Oh,
sorry, nervous burps.
Don't you worry. Den'll be fine.
I gave him a bunch of jokes to use.
Don't you worry. Den'll be fine.
I gave him a bunch of jokes to use.
Oh, just nob gags, ideal for an
intellectual discussion programme(!)
Mm."Coming up this evening, a
late-night discussion on Pipe Smoke,
Mm."Coming up this evening, a
late-night discussion on Pipe Smoke,
"with Vernon Whitfield, taking
a closer look at situation comedy."
WOMAN:
Gentleman, please take your places.
MAN: Clear the floor please.
Thank you.
MAN: Clear the floor please.
Thank you.
Going live in five, four, three
(INTRIGUING THEME MUSIC ON TV)
(GASPS) It's starting.
Oh."Modern situation comedy.
"'Inane, infantile, imbecilic.'"
"'Inane, infantile, imbecilic.'"
"These are just some of the
charges"
Oh, now I've got hiccups!
(BURPS)Oh, budge up lads.
"However, fans argue that"
Shush, you two, it's starting.
"However, fans argue that"
Shush, you two, it's starting.
What? I'm part of the team.
What? I'm part of the team.
(BURPS)
"Tonight, I shall be examining these
assertions on Pipe Smoke."
Hello, Reverend, sir.
Good evening.
Professor.
I shall enjoy ,this Mahindra.
I've screwed your wife,
and now I'm going to screw you.
My guests tonight:
light entertainment
comedy producer Dennis Mahindra.
Den looks like he's sat on a spike.
Has he swallowed a wasp?
Den looks like he's sat on a spike.
Has he swallowed a wasp?
Great suit, though.
Looks OK.
Come on, Den.
You've chosen to work in
what some would consider a far
lesser art form than, say, theatre.
what some would consider a far
lesser art form than, say, theatre.
I'm curious, what drew
you to the situation comedy genre?
Well, I-If indeed
we may class it as a genre.(LAUGHS)
Well, I
Well, I
"Would you care to expand
on that for our viewers?""Er"
(SIGHS) Come on, Dennis.
(SIGHS) Come on, Dennis.
Erm-Clearly not. Turning to you,
Professor Lomax.
"Professor"Come on, Den,
get your balls back in the game!
Well, Shakespeare is a genius,
Well, Shakespeare is a genius,
and frankly any attempt to compare
his work with the work
of my friend here's situation
comedy is quite frankly absurd.
of my friend here's situation
comedy is quite frankly absurd.
(LAUGHS) If I may sayCome on,
Dennisthe language that you
and your comedy chaps use
isgratuitous.
and your comedy chaps use
isgratuitous.
I'm rather surprised to see,
Mr Mahindra,
you've so little to say
in defence of your work.
Oh, I can't look.
Ugh.
Oh!I'd suggest that all situation
comedy is indicative
Oh!I'd suggest that all situation
comedy is indicative
of an overall decline in general
standards. Outlandish fashion,
licentious music, from the likes
of the Rolling Stones, and now
licentious music, from the likes
of the Rolling Stones, and now
When's Vernon Whitfart ever
seen the Rolling Stones?
You rude fuck!
all designed to appeal
to the lowest common denominator.
to the lowest common denominator.
With sitcom
being at the bottom of the heap.
Hear-hear.
Come on, Dennis, he's a bully.
I don't agree.Well, I'm afraid
you've rather muffed the opportunity
I don't agree.Well, I'm afraid
you've rather muffed the opportunity
the mount a case for the defence,
Mr Mahindra. (LAUGHS)Hear-hear.
"Wouldn't you say gentlemen?"
(LAUGHS)Right.
"That settles that."
"Well, not quite."I can't look.
"If you'd let me answer
the question"
"If you'd let me answer
the question"
I would certainly argue
that comedies
I would certainly argue
that comedies
such as, er, Steptoe and Son.
The Likely Lads
and Jim and Barbara,
they create aa much needed space
for working-class representation.
they create aa much needed space
for working-class representation.
Ah, "panem et circenses",
as the Romans said.(BOTH LAUGH)
Keep the masses happy with bread
and circuses.
Keep the masses happy with bread
and circuses.
Oh, my Christ, that Vernon's so far
up his own bum hole,
he's coming out of his own mouth.
Yes, if we take a show like, erm,
he's coming out of his own mouth.
Yes, if we take a show like, erm,
like Till Death Us Do Part,
now, you see,
that gives us
the character of Alf Garnett.
(SCOFFS)You know, a-a misguided
soul railing against modern Britain
(SCOFFS)You know, a-a misguided
soul railing against modern Britain
like a sort of contemporary
King Lear.
Shall we all just refresh
our memories with a clip
from one of Mr Mahindra's situation
comedy episodes?
from one of Mr Mahindra's situation
comedy episodes?
(CATCHY THEME MUSIC ON TV)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV)
"Ow!"
(SIGHS)
Oh.
Oh.
What's all this racket?
Jim!Ah!
"I've done it. I fixed the pipes."
"Oh, darling, well done."
But, you know, you could've just
turned off all the water with this.
But, you know, you could've just
turned off all the water with this.
(TOILET SEAT HINGES CREAK)
Oh.
(SCREAMS ON TV)
(SCREAMS ON TV)
Oh, dear. (CLEARS THROAT)
Well, I'm afraid that rather says it
all, don't you think? Bishop?
Well, I'm afraid that rather says it
all, don't you think? Bishop?
Morally bereft and utterly puerile.
A corrupting
influence on the youth of today.
Well said, sir. I
Well said, sir. I
I fail to see any comparison
between Shakespeare and that.
Frankly, all I can see on that
screen is an idiotic young tart
Frankly, all I can see on that
screen is an idiotic young tart
running around trying
to flush a lavatory.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, now you've done it,
Vernon.
You have absolutely no idea what
you're talking about.
Here we go, dive, dive, dive.
Here we go, dive, dive, dive.
Sophie Straw is an intelligent,
instinctive,
hugely charismatic comic performer
of great technical ability,
hugely charismatic comic performer
of great technical ability,
and I completely disagree
Oh, do you?
..with your
base summarisation of that scene,
and so would the 20 million other
people who watched that episode.
and so would the 20 million other
people who watched that episode.
Oh, quantity be damned,
it's quality that counts.
Clearly you never paid
attention at Cambridge University
Clearly you never paid
attention at Cambridge University
when they taught
you about Aristotle's poetics.
This is what television
comedy can do best.
Oh, it does, does it?Yes. It can
cut through all of this pomposity.
Oh, it does, does it?Yes. It can
cut through all of this pomposity.
Pomposity?Pomposity?Yes, it is
pomposity. It's exactly what it is.
Go on.There you go.Sophie and the
stories that we're trying to tell,
Go on.There you go.Sophie and the
stories that we're trying to tell,
that's the future, gentlemen.
The future!
Well, that's not a future
I want to be part of.
You can't stand in the way of
progress.I'm sorry Progress, no.
You can't stand in the way of
progress.I'm sorry Progress, no.
All this is All this filth is
is a scatological cartoon,
but according to you, as long
as the great unwashed are laughing,
but according to you, as long
as the great unwashed are laughing,
it's perfectly alright.I think I
see what's happening here.Oh, yeah?
Go on, both barrels.
"Yes, yes."
Youand your cronies
Youand your cronies
Cronies?..you feel
that comedy belongs to you.
Of course, it doesn't belong to you,
does it?
It doesn't belong to me.
It belongs to everybody.
It doesn't belong to me.
It belongs to everybody.
I'm heartened to hear it doesn't
belong to you.It has the power
to challenge the establishment.Or
your type, your ilk. Let's face it,
you wouldn't be happy even if
comedy did belong to you.
you wouldn't be happy even if
comedy did belong to you.
And you wouldn't be happy until you
saw somebody on the television
taking an actual big fucking
steaming shit!(ALL GASP)
taking an actual big fucking
steaming shit!(ALL GASP)
(CONTINUOUS TONE)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
(PEOPLE MURMUR)
(TONE CONTINUES ON TV)
Well,
someone didn't read the green book.
Well,
someone didn't read the green book.
Vernon Fuckfield.
(TONE CONTINUES)
(TONE CONTINUES)
(CREW WHISPER)
MAN: "Due to technical difficulties,
the current programme
MAN: "Due to technical difficulties,
the current programme
"has been interrupted."
He's broken television."For which,
"of course, we apologise.
In the meantime,
"we have the pleasure of showing you
a programme about basket weaving."
"we have the pleasure of showing you
a programme about basket weaving."
(MIC FEEDBACK)
Ugh.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
(PEOPLE CHATTER)
Looking for something?
I hope you're pleased with yourself.
Vernon's on the phone
to the director general.
VIA SPEAKER:
"You got the show shut down."
Well, I I think Vernon did a
Well, I I think Vernon did a
good job of that all by himself.
Actually,
watching you was sort of thrilling.
You were positively gladiatorial.
You were positively gladiatorial.
Made me rather wish you'd
fought that hard over me.
(PANTING)
(PANTING)
(GASPS)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
"Actually, it was damn sexy."
"Actually, it was damn sexy."
# DIONNE WARWICK: Walk On By #
# DIONNE WARWICK: Walk On By #
# If you see my walking down
the street
# And I start to cry
# Each time we meet
# Each time we meet
# Walk on by
# Walk on by
# Walk on by
# Make believe
# That you don't see the tears
# Just let me grieve
# Just let me grieve
# In private cos each time I see you
# I break down and cry #
# I break down and cry #
(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)
# FABIENNE DELSOL:
Laisse Tomber Les Filles #
(SINGER SINGS IN FRENCH)
(SINGER SINGS IN FRENCH)
(SPEAKS FRENCH):
(SINGING CONTINUES)
(SINGING CONTINUES)
(SINGING FADES AND MUSIC STOPS)