Futurama s02e02 Episode Script

Good news.
We've got a very|special delivery today.
- Who's it for?|- Me.
Another job well done.
No.
I need it shipped to my office|at Mars University.
It's an experiment that may|win me the Nobel Prize.
- What field?|- I don't care.
The pay's the same.
- Is it dangerous?|- Oh, my, no.
Off we go! Mars University Impressive.
In the 20th century we had no idea Mars|had a university.
In those days, Mars was just a|dreary, uninhabitable wasteland.
Much like Utah.
But unlike Utah,|it was eventually made livable when the university was founded|in 2636.
They planted traditional college|foliage: ivy, trees, hemp.
Soon the planet was terraformed.
- Is it safe to breathe the air?|- Of course.
Over here is Wong Library.
It has the largest collection of|literature in the western universe.
There's a chapter of my old|robot fraternity Epsilon Rho Rho.
You went to college? Of course.
I went to bending college.
|Majored in Bending.
- What was your minor?|- Robo-American Studies.
Are you the moose-head fumigator? No.
Actually, I'm an Epsilon|from way back.
- Close enough.
Come on in.
|- Thanks! Here's your finger back.
The coolest robots are in|this fraternity.
Mate in 143 moves.
Oh, pooh! You win again! Uh-oh! Nerds! I'm Gearshift, chapter president.
This is Oily, and this here|is Fat-Bot.
You're losers.
My name's Bender.
Bender from Bending State? Wow!|You're a legend around here! One night you drank a keg,|streaked across campus and crammed 58 humans|into a phone booth.
Yeah, well, a lot of them were|children.
Anyway, I should get going.
Wait, we're the lamest frat on campus.
|Even Hillel has better parties.
Stay and teach us how to be cool.
Okay, but I'll need ten kegs of beer,|a continuous "Louie, Louie" tape and a regulation two-story|panty-raid ladder.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I tell you, being here really takes|me back to my college days.
Step right up!|Who wants to learn physics? Keep your hands inside the car|at all times.
Good old Coney Island College.
|Go Whitefish! Don't take this the wrong way,|but you don't seem educated.
Oh yeah? Read it and weep.
|I'm a certified college dropout.
Everyone knows 20th-century colleges|were really expensive daycare centers.
True.
By current academic standards,|you're a mere high-school dropout.
What?! That's not fair.
I deserve the same respect|other college dropouts get.
By God, I'll enroll at Mars University|and drop out all over again! - You won't last two weeks.
|- Thanks for believing in me.
Classmate! What you taking? I don't know.
What are you teaching? Same thing I teach every semester:|math of quantum neutrino fields.
I made it up so no student|would dare take it.
Math of wonton burrito meals.
|I'll be there! Please, I don't know how to|teach.
I'm a professor.
See you in class! Oh! This is gonna be great.
Bingo!|- Oh, mama! Oh, yeah.
Someone's been|a bad computer.
Get a load of that! I say! You've damaged our servants'|quarters.
And our servants! This time, Robot House|has gone too far! Cheese it! Pretty nice for a single.
Two desks,|two chairs, a couple of beds.
- A woodpecker?|- Probably your roommate.
Oh, right.
Cool.
Come on in, roomie! - What the-?|- I call top bunk! My roommate's a monkey? Brilliant deduction!|You're a credit to your species.
- I see you've met Guenter.
|- You know each other? He's my experiment, the top-secret|contents of this stinking crate.
I'd rather live in a crate than|share a room with this dork.
- What makes him talk?|- Is he genetically engineered? Oh, please, that's preposterous|science-fiction mumbo-jumbo.
Guenter's intelligence lies|in his electronium hat.
It harnesses sunspot power|to produce cognitive radiation.
You're wasting your breath.
|He didn't understand a word.
I understood the word "hat.
" Stop! I arranged that you'd be|roommates for a reason: I'll only have to remember one phone|number.
Shake hands.
Make up.
You want a banana? I don't eat bananas.
I prefer banana-|flavored energy bars made from tofu.
I don't like you.
This is gonna be a cakewalk.
Welcome to 20th century history.
Look to your left, then to your right,|then in nine other directions.
One of the 12 of you|won't pass this class.
Boring.
Let's hear about|Walter Mondale already.
Be forewarned: The only way to get an A in my class|is to have lived in the 20th century.
Swish! You were saying, Mr.
Fry? I'm from the 20th century.
|Ask me anything.
What device invented in|the 20th century allowed people to view broadcast|programs in their own homes? I know this.
What do you call it? Lite Brite! I believe the answer|is "television.
" Very good, Mr.
Guenter.
Wow.
Smart and cute.
What I love about being dean is the peace and quiet|and the respect I receive.
What's this about? The Robot House students are here.
Robot House.
- Hey, dean, nice-looking model.
|- You keep away from it! You robots are a disgrace|to this university.
Whenever a fire alarm is pulled,|it's Robot House.
When the campus liquor store's|looted, Robot House.
- When a human corpse is desecrated-|- I can explain that.
That's enough out of you! From this day forth, Robot House is|on dodecatupple-secret probation! - No fair!|- My mom is gonna kill me! I have to get back to the one thing that's kept me sane these past|eight years: my model ship.
Fat-Bot! No! When I get nervous, I get hungry.
Cheese it! Robot House! Chrissy, we seem to be hitting it off.
If you're free, might I|escort you to a kegger? Not even if you were|the last man on Mars.
Hey! You like bananas? I got her number!|How do you like them bananas? Therefore, by process|of elimination the electron must taste like|grapeade.
- Sorry.
I overslept.
|- Until 5 p.
m.
? That monkey kept me up all night|with his constant thinking.
Thinking and thinking, trying|to make me look idiotic.
Don't be jealous.
Without his hat, he might be no|more intelligent than you.
- I hate that rodent!|- He's my most important experiment.
If you don't stop fighting,|I'll have you both neutered.
That'll show him.
I'd like you to meet my parents,|Leo and Ines.
I'm so glad we could admit Amy in exchange for|your generous contribution.
- How much more for Phi Beta Kappa?|- How much you got? Sorry I'm late.
I was off at a|study session with Chrissy.
I'm glad you made it, because|in honor of Parents' Weekend I have a special surprise for you.
Mom! Dad! What are you doing here? This is so humiliating! Now these monkeys I like! What's that? You want to come out? No! Stop! I say.
- What's that they're flinging at us?|- Dear Lord! All over the dean! Why don't join your parents on the|chandelier? I'll take a picture! Oh! The party's winding down.
Let's take a road trip to Tijuana|and get Fat-Bot some action! It's my first time.
|I'm really nervous.
Robot House! You were cruel.
It may sound like|an after-school special but we learned who the real|animal was today.
Peer pressure? Look out! He's got a gun! Leave me alone.
What's going on?|I thought you don't like bananas.
Of course I do.
|I try so hard to fit in but seeing my parents|act like that made me realize I'm just|a primitive beast.
Not everyone turns out|like their parents.
Look at me.
My folks were honest,|hardworking people.
Besides, you're not like other|monkeys.
You've got the hat.
So what? I mean, sure, it looks cool,|and it makes me smart.
But it doesn't make me happy.
That's so sad.
I didn't even know|monkeys could cry.
They can't.
It's all the hat! If you're so miserable, maybe you|should go back to the jungle.
The jungle.
I couldn't do that to the professor.
|I'm his prize experiment.
He's like a father.
He's not your father.
That guy in|the punch bowl was your father.
Look at him.
I'm so proud.
Thanks, professor.
|- Not you.
Oh, I always feared he might|run off like this.
Why? Why? Why didn't I break his legs? Oh, poor Guenter.
So he just ran away in|the middle of the exam? I'm afraid so.
All he handed in was a paper smeared|with feces.
He tied with Fry.
I told him to go back to the jungle.
You what? After I spent months|slaving over a hot monkey brain? You tried to force Guenter to be|a human, but he's an animal.
He belongs in the wild, or the|circus on a tiny tricycle.
Now that's entertainment.
But Guenter's better off being|intelligent.
Tell him, Leela.
I'm staying out of this.
|Now here's my opinion.
What we should do is - What?|- We'll go to the jungle and let Guenter decide.
What? You all know the rules.
The winning|house becomes Greek Council head.
Should that house currently be on any|type of multiple secret probation it'll be lifted.
And I'll be forced to serve as Grand|Marshal of a parade honoring them.
I say, Robot House.
Your watercraft's as ill-designed|as you yourselves.
Good one, Chet.
Oh, yeah? Watch this! Well, I never! Fraternities, on your marks.
Hey! The jungles on Mars look like|the jungles on earth.
Jungles on earth? I see some movement.
|I think it's him.
Stand back! - Oops.
|- Don't worry.
They'll be fine once the tranquilizer|wears off.
There's our man.
Professor, offer Guenter the hat.
|Fry, offer him the banana.
He'll choose if he wants to be|intelligent or a mindless animal.
- Guenter, take the hat.
|- No, the banana! The banana! The philosophical and metaphysical|ramifications- Banana! Banana! What's that sound? - You sure this is a shortcut?|- Not as sure as I was an hour ago.
And the winner is Robot House?! Thank God this log is sturdy.
Put on the hat!|You're the only one who can save us! Stupid monkey.
- Not there!|- Keep trying! Eureka! The hat goes on the head!|It's all so obvious now! Help us, Guenter! My goodness! Hang on!|I need to do some calculations! Got it! Grab on! - We're saved!|- Appreciate it, Guenter! Oh, no! Hurry, Guenter! Climb up the|vine! You can still save yourself.
Why bother?|I've got nothing to live for.
I was miserable as a genius.
As a monkey, I was so dumb|I tried to wear a hat on my butt.
There's just no place for me|in this world.
Although, on the other hand Oh, that poor, sweet monkey.
Let's go gather him up.
No sense|letting him go to waste.
- Guenter, you're alive!|- I guess the hat broke my fall.
It's working at half capacity.
|But I can fix it.
No, wait! I like it like this!|I actually feel sort of happy.
But what about your|super-intelligence? With that, there was|too much pressure.
I want to be a moderately intelligent|monkey who wears a suit.
So I'm transferring|to business school! No! Come on, everyone!|Keg party in Robot House! FRY DROPPED OUT SUCCESSFULLY AND RETURNED TO HIS|DEAD-END DELIVERY JOB GUENTER GOT HIS MBA AND BECAME|PRESIDENT OF THE FOX NETWORK FAT-BOT CAUGHT A COMPUTER VIRUS IN|TIJUANA AND HAD TO BE REBOOTED LEELA WENT ON ONE DATE WITH DEAN|VERNON, BUT HE NEVER CALLED AGAIN HIS JOB DONE, BENDER STOLE|EVERYTHING OF VALUE FROM ROBOT HOUSE AND RAN OFF