Gary Unmarried (2008) s02e02 Episode Script

Hey, kids! Your lunches are ready.
What are you doin'? I'm headed back to reserve duty next week, so I'm shippin'my stuff ahead.
- Why? You gonna Miss me? - I'm gonna Miss you, but don't worry.
I'm gonna get us a real small dog so the neighbors don't stop thinking we're gay.
All right.
I still need to get socks, deodorant, and a case of Dottie Lane salad dressing.
- Salad dressing? - This stuff's amazing.
You could roll a bottle of this in a cave in Afghanistan and the insurgents'll come with their hands in the air holding forks and bowls.
- You guys ready or what? - Here we go.
Yeah.
I got my first class of driver's ed today.
Pretty soon I'll be driving you to school, Louise.
I guess it's time I stopped questioning and pick a religion.
I'm so psyched.
Driving means freedom and independence and of course the ladies.
Yep, you just summed up why I joined the marines That and blowin' stuff up.
Hey, guys.
Gary, listen.
Howard's here, and you know we just started dating, and I really like him, so please don't make that joke about how his strong grip will come in Handy when he's carrying all my baggage, OK? No, this is This is important.
I finally get to meet the guy that's been spoiling my kids with the box seats at the dodger games, the designer clothes, the new bikes.
Is he comin' in through the door, or should I check the chimney? - Good morning, Louise.
- Good morning.
Howard, this is Gary and his brother Mitch.
Gary, I've heard Things about you.
That's That's a strong grip.
You know, that's gonna come in Howard is, He was pickin' us up so I could drop the kids off at school, and then we're going to Malibu for breakfast.
We're gonna eat on his boat.
Now it's OK to eat on a boat, but I can't bring my turkey leg on it's a small world? No, but apparently you can stash it behind a trash can and finish it after the ride was over.
Come on, kids.
Go to school.
Hold up just a second.
Tom, Louise, I got present for you guys, something you can keep here at your dad's place.
That's OK.
The kids have plenty of, you know It's the number one gaming system in Amer I wanted to be sensitive to the whole divorce situation, so I got you one for here and one you can take back to your mom's.
Cool, the sports resort game.
You can parachute over an Island and join up with other sky divers in formation.
- You didn't happen to get the - Schwing! Sword attachments for the fencing game! Oh, my god.
Thank you, but it's real not It's not necessary.
The kids have lots of toys.
I just have to say no to the whole thing.
I'm sorry.
What are you doing? You're embarrassing me.
No.
This is my fault, Gary.
I apologize.
I should have asked you.
You don't have to pack it all up.
I mean, I'll just swing it by your house later.
- Thank you, Mitch.
- Hey, i'll see you guys later.
We're gonna have a lot of fun.
- I was talkin' to my kids.
- You, too, then.
- I got first game.
- Yeah, no, no.
You get first game when he's sleepin' with your ex-wife.
-= 202 =- Can you believe this needleman guy? I mean, he's known my kids 3 weeks.
He's buying thriemed toys that I like more than they do.
Getting upset over nothing, Gary.
I mean, it's an awesome video game.
You can play tennis the way it was meant to be played, on your couch With a beer and nachos.
You know what he's doin', right? He's tryin' to buy your kids.
- It's jsust a couple gifts.
- Is it? Let me tell you a little anecdote.
That's right.
A brother can say, "anecdote.
" A few years ago, I'm dating this woman, Viv, and she's got 3 kids OK, just so you know, this is why I never ask you to baby-sit.
Go ahead.
I really like viv, OK, so I figure I need her kids to really like me, so what did I do? I buy them this popcorn popper, one of those fancy ones with the butter warmer.
Now, this really, really ruffles the feathers of the ex-husband, but the kids are so grateful that they want me around all the time now.
So I start picking 'em up from school, going shopping for clothes with them, giving them talks about the birds and the bees.
Pretty soon, guess what little Kiana's callin' me? The defendant? "Dad," OK? I'm telling you, if you don't want him to buy your kids' love, you gotta outdo him.
You don't have to do anything, Gary.
The only love he bought was mine.
Hey, Curtis, would you mind R.
S.
V.
P.
-ing to this al gore fundraiser for me? It's me plus one.
Sasha, you gotta get an assistant for this stuff.
Please.
My dad's in town to support Gore, and I'm just really stressed 'cause he and I have a very difficult relationship.
My dad and i, not gore and i.
Gore and I are fine.
Is there anything else I can do for you? Sign you up for a Mani-Pedi? Book a massage for you? Pick up your dress? I would never in a million years ask you to do something like that, but now that you've offered, thank you so much.
You're a lifesaver.
Can I ask you a personal question? Of course, guy I met 2 weeks ago who's here to paint the station.
Right.
OK, when your father bought you a lot of stuff, did that make you love him more? See that, guys? You cannot buy your kids' love.
What's important is being a good dad.
You believe what you want, but all I had to do was buy those kids a Mr.
Popcorn, and now, if you are to believe my coffee mug, i'm the world's greatest dad.
Your mug says, "female body inspector.
" I'm that, too.
Game, set, and match.
Good game, Tv.
How's it goin', buddy? How was driver's ed? Driver's ed? It was, It was it was good.
I mean, it was.
It was horrifying.
The showed us this video about the dangers of not driving safely.
And then there was just so much blood and and screaming, and then they show this guy who was cut in half? I don't wanna be cut in half.
I'm just at the age where I'm learning what one of my halves can do! All right.
Come here.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I've seen this kind of thing before in combat.
Marine sees something horrible, he can't get it out of his head here's the key.
We've gotta get you into a car before the trauma sets into the brain.
All right? Otherwise, you're always gonna associate driving with blood.
The only thing I heard out of that sentence was "trauma, "brain," and "blood.
" Listen to what i'm saying, all right?! You don't have a choice here?! You either kill the beast, or the beast is gonna kill you! You wanna be able to close your eyes without seeing a little Tommy torso running around without legs or feet? Yes, I do, OK? I'll face the beast.
I'll face I'll face it.
Cool.
I'm gonna grab a string cheese.
- Man.
- You OK? It's my fingernail.
Peeled off like a yogurt lid.
Hey, look, though.
You can see my blood pump every time my heart beats.
Oh, my god.
Hey, guys.
How was the garlic festival? Never mind.
I could smell it.
It was awesome.
First of all, we had a 4-hour drive.
That was amazing.
And then we, had Garlic Food Garlic bread, Garlic cheese, Garlic ice cream.
How'bout the Garlic ice cream? That was awesome.
It was so disgusting.
Why do they put the Garlic clove on top like a cherry? I mean, we get it.
How'bout the people-watching? Wasn't that good people-watching? Yeah, the guy dressed like a Garlic bulb leered at me and asked me if I worked out.
That could happen anywhere.
That could happen at a Garlic festival.
It could happen on a private yacht.
It could happen other places that rich people go.
- What? - You taking them to a free festival didn't have anything to do with howard, did it? I want my kids to know that having a good time doesn't have to be expensive.
You know what ? Howard just wants the kids to like him, and I really like him, too, so could you please just give him a chance? No, because he keeps spoiling my kids, and for years, I've been trying to lower their expectations.
OK? And this guy's gonna ruin that by giving them what they actually want.
Gary, I don't want them spoiled either, but if Howard's, you know, exposing them to fun things and new experiences that are a little beyond our means, what's the harm? What's the harm? The harm is you wind up with kids showing their crotch to the parazzi, right, walkin' around with little Chihuahas in purses.
Tom's weird enough as it is.
You know what? I think someone's feeling a little insecure and a little threatened by my new fella.
What, me? No, no.
I'm not threatened by your fellow.
I feel sorry for him.
Like In Jaws, how I'm frightened for Quint when he keeps sliding into the mouth of the shark.
- Hi, Howard.
- Hi, sweetheart.
Nauseous.
Hey, mom, Tom grabbed the shower.
Can I use yours? Hey, Howard.
Hey, you're just the person I wanted to see.
I understand you got a birthday comin'up and if you have other plans, just let me know, buy your mom tells me you're a fan of Yo Yo Ma.
I'm the president of the yo-yo maniacs.
It just so happens that I know Mr.
Ma, so what I thought we could do, if you're interested, is get on my private jet, fly to New York, see him in concert, then maybe hang out with him after the show.
- Really?! Oh, my god! Thank you! - You're welcome.
B but hang on.
Just a second.
Gary, is this OK with you? What? The Yo-Yo Ma, thing? I don't care.
Yeah.
Here OK.
Here's the thing.
It might bump up a little against my plan.
I know you love Yo Yo Ma, but I also know somebody else you really love, and that's why I have arranged for OK, the former vice President of the United States, Al Gore, to call you at my house on your birthday.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Thank you.
- Al Gore, Gary? Really? - Really.
How do you know Al Gore? I think the question, Allison, is "how does Al Gore know me?" OK, Gary, how does Al Gore know you? That's the question.
I mean, Louise actually hugged the guy.
She hugged him.
I I remembered Sasha had that Al Gore event she was gonna go to, so I blurted out that Al Gore was gonna call her.
No, no.
This is good.
You came up with something that's better than needleman's punk gift man.
You outdid him.
You're on top now.
You're right, Curtis.
It's the perfect plan, except I don't know Al Gore.
He's here for the fundraiser.
Did you ever think about just callin' his hotel? Really? Where you think he's stayin', the "hey, any lunatic in the world, pick up a phone and call me, i'm Al Gore I'm staying at the here I am suites? No.
Actually, I think he's probably staying at the "sorry, I was just trying to help my brother out of the Jam he's in inn.
" He's staying at the Regent Beverly Wilshire where they're having the thing.
Screw it.
I'll call him.
Look at this sunday brunch menu.
Crepe station? Do not call me on sunday.
Al Gore's room, please.
Al, it's Mitch.
Mitch Brooks.
Yeah.
Really? What kind of sandwich? I'm just kiddin'.
I'm on hold.
Is it my imagination, or do you guys take a lot of breaks? Just tryin' to figure out what to get my daughter for her birthday.
That funny.
The guys fixing the toilets are talking about the same thing.
- Really? - No.
They're fixing the toilets.
Hey, Curtis, if you need me, i'm gonna be at the bar across the street.
I'm picking my dad at the airport for the fundraiser.
Why goin' to the bar? Cause I'm picking my dad at the airport and heading to the fundraiser.
They're never gonna put me through to him.
He's totally insulated.
You know, back in the day, abe Lincoln would walk down the street, and people could just walk right up to him and shake his hand.
Or see him at the theater.
Exactly.
He was accessible.
All right.
I know what I gotta do.
I sneak into the Al Gore event.
I make believe i'm Sasha's plus-one.
I give Al Gore a note to call my daughter, and I hope he does me a solid.
This is a bad idea.
Let me tell you an anecdote.
That's right.
It's twofer tuesday on anecdotes.
I went to the movie one time to go see Rush Hour 2, and I thought to myself, hey, why not sneak into another movie? Long story short, they confiscated my popcorn, my malted milk balls and kicked me out.
I had to walk home hungry, humiliated, and wondering who Bridget Jones chose.
He's right, Gary.
It's Risky.
It can't be done.
I'm in.
What? No.
You're That's nice, but that'd be great if it was plus-two, Mitch, but it's not plus-two.
It's plus-one.
Gotta go it alone.
Great.
Guy with no experience, no traing is gonna stumble into something he's totally unprepared for.
You know what we call that in the marines? The army.
Thanks for taking me driving, uncle Mitch.
See how safe this is? No blood.
No guts.
Just an easy drive to the post office so I can mail my stuff to the base.
I can't believe you borrowed a Humvee.
I feel like a Kardashian.
Yeah, the motor pool sergeant over at Camp Pendleton let me borrow it for this case of Dottie Lane.
You know, this makes me feel kind of powerful.
You should try it with the machine gun on top.
Pickin' off goats, shootin' up abandoned trucks That'll put a rise in your Levis.
Uncle Mitch, this guy wants to go around me.
What do I do? It's all right.
Just let him go on by.
Just let him go on by.
See, there he goes.
Just try to think about what makes driving great You know, the freedom, the independence, the hot, young females Lying to their fathers, sneaking out so they can meet you at the local diner for a burger Uncle Mitch.
Mitch.
Hoping you notice their tight sweater, but worried it makes them a bad girl.
Uncle Mitch.
There's a guy who wants to pull out.
What do I do? Hit the brakes! Oh, my god! I'm cut in half! - I'm cut in half! - Oh, my god! I'm cut in half! OK, calm down, Tom! - Tommy, it's just salad dressing.
- No.
This is my blood.
It's salad dressing, all right? You're fine.
It's the salad dressing.
It's the salad dressing.
- That's good.
- It's salad dressing.
It's, it's - How you doin'? I'll have a beer.
- Yeah, what can I get you, sir? - What time's Al Gore gonna show up? - Should be pretty soon.
Oh, good.
How much do I owe you? It's an open bar, sir.
These things usually are.
Yeah, I know.
I meant, for your tip.
And now that I see how rude you are, forget it.
Ahi Tuna Lollipop? Did you just offer me a fish lollipop? It's sushi-grade Tuna.
That's OK.
I'll wait for the Salmon ding dong guy to come around.
Oh, my gosh.
- Needleman.
What? - Hey, I wanted to thank you.
You mentioned Al Gore the other day, and it really inspired ally and I to get involved and come to this event but I did not expect to see you here.
That's great.
OK, but listen.
Allison cannot know that I'm Ally! Look who's here! It's Gary! He's right here! What are you doing here? Learning about the environment.
Having some beers.
- How did you get in here? - What do you mean? I'm sorry.
I meant how did you get in here? Gary, you can't afford to do this.
This is our planet.
- I can't afford not to do this.
- OK, you know what? I'm gonna punch you in the throat unless you tell me what you're doing.
My, my boss, she's very cool and pretty, and she brought me.
She thought i'd be fun to have here with her.
Now I know you're lying.
You can't get your head around the fact there's a new man in the kids' lives.
I mean, OK, so maybe if Al Gore calls Louise, it doesn't change anything.
Howard is still gonna be here, and why is that such a bad thing, Gary? He's a really good person.
OK, let me explain it to you.
Louise is my daughter, OK, and for years, she's always looked at me like I was the guy that can move heaven and earth, and I'm not gonna let some guy in a suit that pulls Yo Yo Ma out of his pocket take that look away from me.
That's my look.
I earned that look, Allison.
No one is gonna steal that look from you.
You're right.
You're darn right, they're not, 'cause I'm not leavin' here until I give Al Gore a little note.
I will not leave.
I'm sorry.
What do you mean my plus-one is here? - Oh, my gosh.
I have to leave.
- What? Hide me.
- For once, I wish your ass was bigger.
- What? Ladies and Gentlemen, former vice President of the United States, Al Gore.
Good.
- Hey, Gore, I got something for you.
- Gun! Gun! Oh, my gosh.
Is this necessary? The guy didn't even win.
You keep quiet.
Get him out of here and lock him in a room.
Yes, sir.
I told you you were gonna need me.
Here you go, Louise.
You're gonna bring that cello all the way to New York? Yeah, 'cause I want Yo Yo Ma to sign it.
OK.
Just it's a long way to travel with a cello for a guy to write 6 letters.
Here you go.
We OK? You feeling better since the dressing incident? Well, I thought I was until yesterday, when the cafeteria lady put dressing on my salad, and I wake up in the nurse's office next to a kid who picked his nose too hard I'm proud of you, Tommy.
You've come a long way.
You used to be that kid.
Sneaking into that event was the stupidest thing you have ever done, and I'm including the time you put that hermit crab on your nipple.
Are you ever gonna let that go? After 5 minutes, the crab let go.
What are you gonna tell her? I'm gonna tell her the truth.
Hi, sweetie.
I can't get Al Gore to call you on your birthday.
It's not gonna happen.
I'm sorry.
I know you're disappointed.
Really? But, this is what I got you originally.
It's a photo of you and I on that beach, and we were sitting on the rocks, and we were really laughing, 'cause the dolphins and the seals, it they looked like they were smiling, and we were wavin' at'em.
Remember that? I totally remember.
That was one of the best days I ever had.
Yeah, me, too.
- Thank you, daddy.
I love it.
- I love you, sweetie.
Louise, honey, we can go to New York another time.
If you wanna stay here and celebrate your birthday with, you should do that.
- I - No, no.
Listen, go to New York.
I mean, this is the opportunity of a lifetime, OK? And tell Yo-Yo I said Yo, right? All right.
But most importantly, make sure you're really nice to Mr.
Needleman.
This is a great thing he's doing, OK? All right, let's saddle up.
I wanna get to the airport a couple hours early.
Why? It's a private jet.
You just walk right on the plane.
I know.
I wanna hang at the bar and watch the commercial fliers stress out.
Hello hey.
Hello? Hold on one second.
It's Al Gore.
Hello.
Yes, this is Louise.
Hi, Mr.
Gore.
Thank you, daddy.
You're amazing.
Is that your look? Yeah.
That's my look.
How did this happen, Gary? The secret service guy must have grabbed the note and slipped it - to Al Gore when he had a free moment.
- Guess what, Mr.
Gore.
I'm flying to New York in a priva.
I mean I'm driving there in a fuel-efficient hybrid.