Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s02e02 Episode Script

Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪
Get a move on for goodness' sake,
you galumphing great gibbon.
I don't hold this door open
as a hobby.
- Come on, come on!
- Hold your horses, what's the hurry?
- There were two nuns in a phone box.
- I know - lesbos.
Shut up, you stupid horse. You know
nuns in the street means bad luck.
Gimme the keys.
Oh, my God. Linda, look.
We've been burgled.
Oh, my God,
I'm having a panic attack.
I probably forgot to lock the door.
Come on, my fish pie's thawing.
- Jez. - Hi, neighbs. - Have you heard
any strange sounds in our flat?
I did hear some humping.
- I thought you'd finally
"got it together". - Ugh!
I've been taking Viagra
so I might be hallucinating.
I am! That blouse.
- It's freaking me out! - Freak out!
Le Freak, c'est chic.
The bedrooms are OK.
How's the lounge-diner?
Fine apart from a dirty big coffin
in the middle of the room.
I wonder who left that there?
HE GASPS
My God.
It's those nuns.
Every time I see nuns, this happens.
My God, it's those nuns,
it's those nuns
It's only a coffin.
You're eerily at ease around death,
aren't you, Lindy?
What's that all about? I know,
it's cos you saw your mother.
It was distressing. She wanted
to be buried to Elvis's music.
But the funeral director
buried her AS Elvis.
He put her in his Las Vegas gear.
Big quiff, the shades.
- Even got the pout.
- IMITATES ELVIS: - Uh-huh!
We're going to have to look.
Right, OK.
I don't think I can,
I don't think I
Calm down. It'll be all right.
Hold my hand.
What are you going to do with it?
Dying is like going
into another room.
- Is it? - Yes.
Another room where you are dead.
Come on.
- Oh God, I just remembered something.
- What? - We forgot the Pringles.
Oh, it's a woman. Look at the shoes.
- I wonder who it is? - Eddie Izzard?
If Eddie Izzard was dead,
- why would he be laid out here?
- He's quite surreal.
Pull the hankie off.
I shall call upon my spirit guide,
Madame Cholet, to aid me.
I will let her hands guide my hands.
- Ooh! - Ooh.
- Ooh! - Oooh. - Ooh! - Oooh.
Well, bugger me in Burnley,
it's Beryl our landlady.
I wondered why
there were cobwebs on her cat flap.
'Ere, she looks great, doesn't she?
- That make-up's fab. - They're experts.
Done years on television.
Retirement comes
and they do corpses.
It's probably done by the make-up
artist on A Passage To India.
Here, I wonder how she
I wonder how she went.
Well, far be it from me
to cast aspersions,
but she had lots of sexual partners.
The clap clinic named a strain
of gonorrhoea after her.
- Maybe 'twas the clap that took her.
- No, the clap's painful.
- She looks dead happy.
- I've seen her happier.
When Lady Di died, the Happy
Shopper had a book of condolence.
It wouldn't be appropriate.
She used to shoplift there.
She's probably got a packet
of giblets tucked down her blouse.
Here, let's say
something nice about her.
Shall we? That's
uncharacteristically lovely of you.
Pray do.
Up in heaven a star is shining,
down on earth my heart is whining.
Save a place at Jesu's table,
I'll be with you when I'm able.
Where did that come from?
I feel nauseous.
Mummy's wreath.
A jar of Valium made of roses.
That was on the card.
- I could murder a brandy.
- Wet the baby's head? Good idea!
God, I feel so numb.
People say that, don't they?
"So and so died and I went numb."
I must hold on to this feeling.
I might need it in
an episode of Midsomer Murders.
I'm a teacher on a camping trip.
A student has fallen down a crevice.
Bergerac says:
WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:
"It's bad news, I'm afraid.
"Demi's dead." I say, "Oh, I feel
so numb." It's good, isn't it?
It's great.
Shock's a funny thing.
When Mummy died,
Daddy put her pants on his face
and sang I Who Have Nothing.
He brought shame to the family.
What I want to know is why.
- He was tone-deaf. - No, no, no.
- Why? - I don't know.
- Here. - What?
- I'm gonna touch her. - Are ya?
That's very brave of you.
Courage, mon petit, courage.
Go ahead. You're fearless.
You're an inspiration.
BELL RINGS
She's alarmed.
It's the doorbell,
you stupid, great oaf.
Maybe they can throw some light
on this situation. See who it is.
Ugh, ugh, ugh!
I'm sorry.
I meant to touch your hand.
You know I'm gay, don't you?
You can't forget that just
cos you're dead. I'm gay, OK?
Save your breath.
It's too late to come out now.
Thomas,
this is the funeral director.
- Hello. - Bob Hobbs. Sorry to meet you
in such circumstances.
It's nicer to meet on holiday
or in public houses.
- Discos? - I prefer Pringles.
- We forgot to buy them!
I'm sorry.
We're a bit shellshocked.
Have a seat.
The death of a loved one
can be traumatic.
Grown men weep, dwarves collapse.
I'm sorry if we seem distracted,
Mr Hobbs.
We had no idea she'd died.
I'm surprised the coffin
wasn't a giveaway.
I thought I'd see that everything
was in order with
Damn, what was her name?
BOTH: Beryl.
I've had a lot on my mind.
- Would a brandy help?
- It's far too late for that.
When's the funeral?
We can't have this knocking about
like an embarrassing heirloom.
It'll be Auntie Leonie's lava lamp
all over again.
- You don't know when the funeral is?
- No.
It's so encouraging to meet people
as forgetful as myself.
No, we just don't know
why she's here.
I see. I've left the paperwork
in the VW Camper. I use it as a
Hearse?
Do I? That's outrageous.
No, runaround.
I use it as a runaround.
We toyed with downsizing the hearses
but the camper van was seen as tacky.
There's stickers in the back window
from beauty spots we've visited.
Who wants to be reminded
of the Gaping Gill
or the log flumes at Alton Towers
when burying your mother?
- Why have you laid her out here?
- We always lay them out downstairs.
Who wants a stiff in the bedroom?
How did you get in? We come back
to this. It's rather bizarre.
It's like some crazy TV show set-up.
- That's because it is.
Smile, you're on Candid Camera. - NO!
Really? Really?
I knew there was something fishy
about this.
I hope I didn't swear. When I get
going, I come out with all sorts.
Where's the camera?
Is this the camera?
Beryl, you can get up now.
We know it's a trick.
Actually, that was a joke.
You should have seen your face.
I've always wanted to say that.
We ain't going to be on the telly?
Oh, I'm glad. I am glad.
They say TV puts six lb on you
and I'm practically anorexic.
- Who did bloody let you in?
- Maybe someone gave us a key.
That would explain this.
I wondered what that was.
You can't remember who gave you it?
Fantastic!
- Who do we tell about this?
- Traditionally, family and friends.
- Complete strangers don't often
give a - Shit. - Donation.
- Anyway, see you at the funeral.
- Right.
- That way, that way.
- What? Yes, that way.
TOM SIGHS
Well, what are we
going to do with this?
GLISSANDO ON A HARP
- Two, three, four.
- Roll out the barrel
Let's have a barrel of fun. ♪
Mm, I love this programme.
This is televisual brilliance
at its best.
Keep Our Friends In The North
and I, Claudi-i-i.
You can't beat
a good Through The Keyhole.
Something wrong? You're quiet.
Telling Jez and Suze
brought it all back to me.
Beryl's dead, Tom.
It always happens.
If I get close to someone
- they end up in one of these.
- Wincey Willis?! Wincey Willis?!
- Who the hell is Wincey Willis?
- There's Wendy Strokes in borstal.
I said, "You're my best friend.
I'll be by your side for ever."
20 minutes later - hung herself.
Oi, oi, who's Wincey Willis?
I knew he'd say something
inappropriate. Where is she?
Over there blubbering her eyes out.
Have you no respect for the dead?
Sorry. I'm really unhappy.
I'm on the brink of gloominess.
I saw her two weeks ago.
She was going for a loaf.
She was so full of life. Life!
I didn't kill her. I've got
witnesses and they're good ones.
I saw her last week
when I was buying my Viagra.
She told me she was
going on a long journey.
'Ere, maybe she topped herself.
What would you care? You hated her.
She was always here
doing things for us.
I'd never ask an old lady
to be a draught excluder.
It was windy.
She loved you two so much
and you treated her like shit.
That's libellous.
I want more brandy.
We didn't use her as a coffee table.
It's an occasional table, actually.
Occasionally it's a table
and occasionally it's a coffin, OK?
You two were hardly
her number one fans.
She was a second-rate
has-been hooker.
THEY GASP
I'm sorry. I'm in shock.
Beryl was our landlady.
Exactly. That makes us
Tenants.
BOTH: Homeless.
The selfish bitch.
How dare she commit suicide
and leave us destitute!
- We don't know that for sure.
- She would have left a note.
- Do you have keys to her flat? - Keys?
Do I look like a keysie person?
- There might be a clue.
- Someone will have to break in.
I can't. I'm middle-class.
I had ponies.
Had to be surgically removed
from one of them.
Linda, you do it.
I'll help. Come on.
- IMITATES LOYD GROSSMAN: - I wonder
who lives in a house like this?
David, it's over to you.
Fantastic, it's got whisky.
This is very good for shock.
I didn't realise how shocked I was.
- What are you looking for?
- A suicide note, a will.
Anything. That's gorgeous.
Are you stealing?
That's really out of order.
It's traditional to steal
from dead people's houses.
Is it? I've often pictured
my own funeral celebrations.
An autumnal morning,
St Paul's hallowed dome,
a reading by Sir Simon Shepherd.
Don't have any more. You're pissed.
'Ere, look at this.
Dirty bitch.
Pissed. I'm not pissed.
Don't even know the meaning
of the word "pissed".
Pardon me
if I'm a little bit emotional.
TOM SNORES
Cripes and stripes,
they're dropping like flies.
Shut up, you tart, he's pissed.
- She looks great. - Oooh!
The Viagra's taking effect,
isn't it?
AS ELIZA DOOLITTLE:
I'm a good girl, I am.
- Shall I put on something
see-through? - Please.
Catch you, Beryl.
So, er
..you're feeling a little frisky?
It's this Viagra.
I'm drawn to the strangest things.
Jez. Oh, Jez.
- Hmm? - Have you seen
that film Basic Instinct?
- No. - What about
There's Something About Mary?
No. I'd better order
a wreath or something.
- What about your Viagra whatsit?
- It seems to be wearing off.
- I don't want to be homeless.
- Neither do I. - Then listen to me.
Let's pretend Beryl has disappeared,
that she never died.
Then we'd keep this flat.
That's an awful idea. It's totally
against my Catholic teachings.
Mind you, the garden is big enough
for a makeshift grave.
When the funeral director returns,
we could be like Stepford Wives
and go, "What dead body, Mr Hobbs?
"What dead body, Mr Hobbs?
What dead body, Mr Hobbs?"
No, somebody organised
the body being here.
We'll have to face it,
we're out on our ear.
What am I saying? She's probably
left us this house in her will.
Wake up and smell the coffee, Linda.
You scary witch.
LONG RING ON DOORBELL
BELL CONTINUES TO RING
OK, I heard you the first time.
Oh. Ooooh, my nipples
have got a mind of their own.
I'm look for Beryl.
I can't believe she has gone.
Oh, wait there a second.
- Yes, but who is he? - I don't know
but he's bloody gorgeous. - Really?
- Get out of the way. - No.
Ow! Ow!
- Would you like to slip in?
- Muchas gracias.
We were just
making everything just so.
- You are good people. You are good
people. - You're not so bad, baby.
- I'm Tom, by the way.
- Hello, Tom By The Way.
I'm Pedro Mano Fernandez
de San Pastillo.
That's a bit of a mouthful -
just the way I like it.
You come with me, Pedro.
Cor, ain't you taut?
- Where is my Beryl?
- You want to see Beryl, yeah?
Here she is!
How can this be?!
Oh, mi carino. Oh, mi carino.
How does this happen? Tell me,
Lindy. Tell me, Tom By The Way.
- How does this happen? - Her heart
stopped beating, I don't know.
I leave her not 50 days ago
at airport.
Lovely Beryl, lovely Beryl.
I plan to spend my life with her,
now she is dead.
How did she die?
- Isn't he gorgeous? - He's got
a backside you could get lost in.
- You are Beryl's sister? - No,
you cheeky bastard. - You're too ugly.
Your English very bad. The word
is "beautiful", it's "beautiful".
- You are the son? - The sun,
the moon and the stars, baby.
- How do you know her?
- I see Beryl in my bar.
I give her oily olives
and spicy saveloy.
I know how to make the ladies happy.
I'm licking my lips.
She has my name tattooed
on most intimate part.
It's not necessary to show us.
I have her name tattooed
on long part of my body.
- It'd be cruel to stop him.
- You want to see, Tom By The Way?
Oh, yes, yes.
How long is this part of your body?
- You can see from here. - Get it out.
My chest is long, no?
I must see my name
on her pretty gavina.
- Her what? - Her gavina.
Her lovely, pretty gavina.
- Did you phone the funeral director?
- Yes. Not very promising.
He's got
a stupid answerphone message.
Giggling and someone shouting,
"His head's on back to front."
And how's my
potential new boyfriend?
You sad slapper.
The thing about
hot-blooded Europeans
is that they don't mind
some man-a-man contact.
You wish. Every time he looked
at you, his sombrero flopped.
I can speak Spanish. Listen.
Diaaagame,
dondo es medico homosexual?
- What does it mean? - Where's the
nearest gay men's health centre?
BOTH: Awww!
Chico.
Chico, mi Latino.
Livin' da vida loca, por favor.
It has gone.
- What has, baby?
- My name on her intimacy.
Aww.
Aww.
Diaaagame,
donde es medico homosexual?
I know what she has done, Lindy.
She has had the lasers.
Shall I rub you?
I'll rub you, shall I?
Pedro, sorry to bugger you -
sorry to bother you
..but, um when did Beryl
go to Spain?
I'm so lonely.
I'm so ti-red from my flight.
Come and lie down next to me.
Come to Linda.
Snuggle your head in my bosom.
I'm very maternal.
- Tom, you come on bed too.
- There's not enough room!
Yes, there is!
This remind me
of when I am little boy.
Little Boy Blue,
come blow my horn. ♪
I sleep with my brothers and
sisters.
- Each night is cold in mountains.
- Brrr!
We have to do this to keep warm.
Then we play, play, play.
This reminds me of an acting
exercise called We're All In A Tent.
It's windy, so blow.
Yes, a goat has escaped
from the zoo and he's all licky.
No comprendo, no comprendo.
I don't understand.
I was at airport only 50 days ago
and now she dead, stone dead.
No, no, no -
it's not days, it's minutes.
- Sorry? - 50 minutes ago we was
at airport and now she dead.
I feel her presence near me.
Maybe it's her ghost.
Yes - her ghost.
So there you are.
THEY SCREAM
This is the last time
I carry a gun through customs.
Where have you stuck
that bitch twin sister of mine?
- Are they lovebites? - Bruises.
We dropped her earlier.
Ah, Beryl, Beryl. It's such
a relief to see you again.
- We thought we were homeless.
- Yeah. No, we thought she was dead.
I thought I'd gone to heaven
when I met him. Nice, isn't he?
He's OK in a wailing kind of way.
Where were you?
Holiday.
When I found out what she left me,
I cashed in some fake giros
and flew to Spain.
I lost him at Heathrow
on the way back.
- So you're a twin?
- I've got a boa like that, Linda.
Have ya? What a coincidence.
- I've got that jigsaw
too. - That's spooky.
Pedro, bedtime.
That's right, leave us. We don't
mind a corpse in our lounge!
THEY SNIFF
Oh, it's me.
- Jez, look. - What?
- Beryl's come to her own funeral.
Oh, sweet.
Hello? Eres tu?
- It's Pedro. He hasn't gone
to the service. - Let's get out.
No, he's all tied up with a mask on.
Blimey!
- It's very much in proportion.
- Not half.
- We should go. - No, I must put
this back in its rightful place.
You go, I'll follow.
Beryl, is that you?
- BERYL'S VOICE: - Yes.
Who's been a naughty boy then, eh?
WHIP CRACKS
Madre de Dios!
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪