Girls5eva (2021) s02e02 Episode Script
Triumphant Return to the Studio
1
Gosh.
Am I underdressed? Even for a scarecrow.
Okay, well, this is a lot even for you.
Is this coat from the Nicole Kidman - "Undoing" Collection? - It is.
Well, we have to do everything we can to build our own hype, and paparazzi always hang out by recording studios.
Does my face look hotter after "Leave me alone, animals," or, "You killed Diana"? "Animals" has a nice pout.
God, it's so cool.
We get to make the album we want this time.
Finally we're in charge of the sesh.
No more singing whatever crap they give us.
Half our old songs weren't even spell-checked.
We don't want no average joe ♪ So you better be rollin' in some Doug ♪ - It should have been "dough.
" - Ugh.
Speaking.
Oh, hi.
Okay, so Kev just landed.
I'll be there by, like, 2:00 p.
m.
at the latest.
- Okay.
Don't stress, Sum.
- It's just day one.
Just be layin' down demos.
Gloria's not even out of the hospital yet.
Oh, okay.
I am just I'm so excited to get this divorce announcement over with.
And then Kev and I can offish file the paperwork.
- Proud of you.
- Has to be done.
And, guys, can I just say, the one thing that has been getting me through this time is knowing that I have friends who just support There they are! Leave me alone, animals! I'm just trying to make Wickie Roy's triumphant return to the studio.
Oh, God.
Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪ 'Cause that's one more than 2gether ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ So what are you waiting 5? Girls5eva ♪ Oh, yeah.
We can make magic here.
Is it soundproof, though? I can hear a bus lowering.
Not a bus.
I'm discharged, motherfuckers.
- You are? - Amazing.
Yup, they sent me home for PT.
This thing rips through your scar tissue in real time.
Hey.
As you can probably guess by my vibe, - I'm Ray.
- Oh.
Oh, don't worry.
I don't smoke.
Just keep it in my mouth.
Right on, Ray.
Dawn.
Yeah.
Our names are both buds with the sun.
Cool, cool.
- Well, let's get crackin'.
- Absolutely.
Oh, God.
So Ooh, what you got there, Wick? This is my riff Rolodex.
All the greats are in here.
Mm.
Me ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ Whee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo ♪ Yeah, yeah, ahh ♪ Ahh - Whoo! Wow, get those ready to layer onto this, 'cause I finished a new song last night.
It's my most ambitious one yet.
Hey, Ray, put me through the board.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Okay.
Right out the gate.
Siri, pause leg.
I have it hooked to my phone now.
Oh.
Ray-Ray, let's do ethereal melancholy for the vocals.
You can really crank the stank on Q fader 4.
Thank you, buddy.
Okay.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word "set" has the most meanings 430.
And this song uses all of them.
Where she grew up, they used to say ♪ "Set the table, dear ♪ "Set an example here ♪ "Do your problem set ♪ Don't take the first ring set with shiny stones" ♪ There's that word, "set" ♪ Won't leave her alone ♪ ♪ Age 22, set her luggage down ♪ Set sail and run, run, run this town ♪ Skyscrapers set her soul on fire ♪ Her heights set higher and higher ♪ Oh, boy, she thought that she was set ♪ With her set of life tools ♪ But the city changed the rules ♪ And said game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Bump, set, spike ♪ Age 23, ready, set, go ♪ Phaser set to stun ♪ Set the prisoners free ♪ When the sun sets blue ♪ Over Alpha Centauri ♪ We'll be setting course for the colony ♪ Age setenta ♪ Tea set set for one ♪ Life still feels like it's just begun ♪ But with her hair set one last time ♪ She says ♪ "Game, set ♪ Match" ♪ I counted 370.
I think I missed a few, but Siri, resume leg.
Eight minutes.
That's a lot of real estate for riffs.
- Yeah.
Cool, Dawn.
- A lot of ideas in there.
Thanks, Ray.
Okay, Wick, I think we'll give you ages 20 to 43.
- And, Gloria, we'll give you - Hey.
So before we dive into tracks, I wonder if it's worthwhile to take a step back.
What's the theme of this album? There's no wrong answer.
Like when I worked with Daniel Powter on his album "Daniel Powter," we determined early on that the theme would be Daniel Powter.
You produced "Bad Day"? Yeah, that was my first big gig.
- You're not just an engineer? - You're a producer? By day.
On the weekends, I work with reclaimed wood.
Right now, I'm working on turning a single-slab dining table back into a tree.
You cowrote "Counting Stars" for OneRepublic? "'Hope' is a four-letter word" came to me while I was eating dim sum.
For me, dim sum is the shower.
Oh, you're a word writer too? Yeah, that's really my wheelhouse.
Wheelhouse.
Teal blouse.
Veal mouth.
We're all wordsmiths.
Sushi sampler.
Sushi sampler.
- Big baby's businesses.
- Big baby's business.
Big baby's businesses.
Big baby's business.
Oh, man.
It's gonna be hecka weird to divide stuff up.
I mean, two flat irons, that's easy.
But this shweet house is gonna have to pick one of us, and, I don't know, maybe it'll pick me since I paid for it with WTIT money.
But you're barely ever here.
Well, do you think Neil Armstrong doesn't love space just 'cause he's only been twice? Dag, I hate all of this.
Okay, 20 seconds.
You ready? I flew here, didn't I? Hey, what is up? Sum, I'm trying to be cool, but this whole situation smells.
I mean, what am I getting out of this thang? It's one thang to lose you, but it's a whole other thang to lose the Summer and Kev fans.
They'll be sad, but they'll get it.
They stuck by us when our edible candles weren't.
- But this is the big D.
- We're late now.
Come on.
Let's just get this over with.
Okay, babe.
Hey, fam! You're live with "At real Summer and Kev underscore faith first underscore DM for paid partnerships underscore.
" - Yeah, and, um - Whoa.
Look at this attendance.
This must be a new record, huh, Sums? Yes.
And Kev and I just wanna thank all of you for all your support all these years.
Yeah, your love and light has been totes noted.
And so today we're here because Oh, no, we're not announcing an Easter special, - unforch, Shelly5.
- Nope.
Uh, nope, and we don't need a surrogate.
But I'm sure you got a dope ute, SniperMomOmaha.
No.
With two heavy hearts, Kev and I stand united we stand - to announce that - Stevia's been kidnapped! Huh! - Oh.
- Aw, snap! She has been found! No, no.
Actually, fam, Kev and I are getting Super stoked about that Easter special idea! Let's do a house tour.
Yeah! Oh, look at this.
It's a hallway, y'all! Kev Cameron Kirk Hamlin.
Are you insane? I shanked, babe.
I saw that Summer and Kev love coming in, and I shanked.
I'll just have to file the papers by myself.
The guys at the courthouse like me.
They keep giving me my license back.
Wait, let's just think this through, okay? Summer and Kev is our gravy train.
If we split up, all that goes bye-bye.
Girls5eva got a record deal, so I can handle this chapter.
Babe, your advance cannot pay for this house and your hair.
Plus, I don't believe in Divorce.
I took a vow for life with one hand on "THE BIBLE: The Magazine," the one where the cover said, "Shut up, Dixie Chicks!" - You remember.
- I can't stand this! I'm not saying you have to stay in this.
I'm just saying maybe we could figure something out that works for both of us, like we stay married but only for the fans.
And then IRL, you do you.
I do me.
I mean, couples do that all the time, right? Swedish royals.
Pastor Chazz and Mrs.
Pastor Chazz.
That president with the leg blanket and his shorty.
Stevia, are you hearing this? Well, everyone's public persona is a character.
Like, on TikTok, I'm anti-bullying.
But in real life Oh! Dag, respect the elders, yo! Dawn, I like that fourth bridge.
But what if that's the chorus? Oh.
And move her 60s before her 30s? - Mm-hmm.
- Hey, uh, Ray? Can you give us a sec? We need to empty Gloria's fluid bag.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Right on.
I don't have a bag anymore.
I urinate by lying sideways in the shower.
So how we gonna do it? Do what? Get rid of Ray! We got another toxic dude on our hands.
Did I miss something? Did he take his dick out? Not that I would notice.
They are so boring to me.
No.
I don't think I saw him sniff our chairs.
He didn't, but It seems like he's asking the right questions, like, "What is the theme of our album?" Is it Daniel Powter? - Oh, my God! - Jesus.
I got a Google Image alert.
My paparazzo pics are up.
They're probably on EW or TMZ or DMZ, the North Korean TMZ.
Okay.
Uploaded to wikiFeet.
I have a perfect rating, you know.
I do not get the foot thing at all.
I am just a meat-and-potatoes genitals gal.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- They saw it? - Saw what? Fricking wind! Oh, my God.
This is bad.
This is bad.
What did they see, Wick? My bad foot.
- What? - Okay.
I have a good foot and a bad foot.
The good foot, the left one, is classical perfection.
High arch, baby bottom heel.
Might as well be carved by Michelangelo's sword.
That's why I always put it front of house, pose with one leg out, Angelina style.
But the other foot, while fully functional, is far from beautiful.
Nicknamed Reek, it lives in the shadows.
I've kept it hidden my entire career.
How have I never noticed this? It's been buried in the sand during spring breaks, hidden behind bunnies in "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" ads.
I even tried to launch a doomed shoe line.
They're from my collection, Miss Match, spelled M-I-S-S.
But let's circle back to Mel's exciting news.
Well, can we see it? Yeah, out with it.
Once you've seen something called geographic tongue, you can handle anything.
- Come on.
- Oh, God.
Slap that roast up here.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Wow, that nail has a real fried plantain kinda vibe to it.
I know.
Where's that toe trying to go? Away from itself.
Wouldn't you? Hi, guys.
You're not perfect? Oh, God.
I will not lose my perv base.
So how did your announcement go, Sum? Well - Wickie! - Oh, there she is! Wickie! Wickie! Wickie, show us your bad foot! - The lies about my feet ARE JUST THAT: lies, fake news.
No further comment.
So we'll just do separate lives.
Well, how is that any different than what you've been doing for years? Yeah, how on earth is that progress? Well I was never living my separate life before.
You know, now I can open my eyes to men.
Ah.
Hey.
You know, I really like a man who wears four different sweatshirts.
This looks comfy.
My truck's over there.
I'm kinda full, so you're gonna have to do most of the moving.
You're just an example, sir.
Hello, foot soldiers.
As you know, since wikiFeet came to be, I've had the highest possible feet rating.
My feet have been breathing the same rare air as Mariah or Eliza Dushku before baby.
Today that all changed.
But I assure you the blurry photo you saw was doctored.
Let me show you what we all know to be true: that both my feet look like they were meticulously drawn by a lonely anime guy.
Loving those likes and hearts.
Thank you.
What are you doing? It's my room.
Two mirrors? Now it's too many feet.
Disappointed! What's our secret to everlasting love? Tony C.
's Bail Bonds in Fort Thomas, Arizona! Family-owned and faith-based, it's your one-stop shop for all your bail-related needs.
Link in bio, y'all.
Ahh, shweet.
Only ten more to bang out, and then we can start on the Cameos.
You know, I thought I'd have trouble acting like your wife, but acting is easy.
Like, why is Daniel Day-Lewis always like "I'm retiring.
This is hard"? Ahh! I got tagged! Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh.
I only did flirting once to prove a point.
Well, I guess we should have talked about discretion.
I don't like this, Kev.
Oh, babe, it's not that bad.
I mean, this account isn't even verified.
It only has, like, 20 likes.
And it ends in a question mark, like, "Is she cheating on Kev?" But what about when I wanna do real stuff? Or when you do? This separate-lives thing isn't gonna work.
You have to suck it up and give me the damn divorce, babe.
But I don't believe in it, babe.
Just figure it out, babe.
Well, this is supes hard for me, babe.
But I guess I'll figure out a way to give you what you want.
God.
I think they knew it was me.
I can't believe I'm dodging cameras.
Do I have to live in here now? Would you just forget about the paparazzi? Let's just focus on the work and lay down "Set.
" "Set.
" I gave Ray enough nonverbal cues yesterday that he'll just be a button pusher today 'cause I was like Yeah, so that's hi.
Girls5eva.
So after you left yesterday, I got dim sum and then ideas.
And I was like, "What if we sprinkle in some sugar, cook the hook so it's like" Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match - Hey.
Oh, I like this because I get it.
Game, set, match ♪ Okay.
Whoa, hoo, hoo, hoo ♪ Hey ♪ Hey, well, maybe we wait for Gloria before we marry ourselves to anything.
This is a real Friday-night banger.
Nice work, Dawn.
Ooh, actually, it was Ray and computers.
And what if we layered in a little, like Ba, boo, ba-da-boom-boom, ahh ♪ - Ooh.
- That's just the melody.
The words'll come later.
Oh, wait.
Here they come.
When you gonna come back, now ♪ - Yeah.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ When you gonna come back, now ♪ Ooh! Hey, hey, bye-bye.
I'm just actually just feeling, like, a whole other thing coming through.
Okay.
I know them better than you ♪ I know them better than you ♪ I know that Summer got kicked off of a flight ♪ For working out ♪ And I know that Gloria ♪ Punched BJ Novak in the face ♪ On an unaired episode of "Punk'd" ♪ And Wickie ♪ Pass.
Unknowable.
Is unknowable ♪ - Dawn, I love the passion.
- But maybe we can Ray had a breakdown in 2015.
What? Dawn.
Uh, I read it on the internet.
Are you referencing my Instagram post on World Mental Health Day? I am.
What kind of deep dive did you do on me? Well, I also saw a post where you ate octopus.
How did it feel eating something - that's capable of pranks? - Aw.
That was before the documentary.
Hey, if I'm in the way, I can just "set" myself up in the lounge.
I get barely paid either way.
What is up with you? - Let me see your gums.
- What? No.
Stop.
Yeah, what's with all this big baby business? Why are you all obsessed with Ray? What? Well, I thought I was our songwriter-er.
Oh, ooh.
Ray tweaked it, but Dawn, it's still your song.
It doesn't feel like it.
Someone has an ego.
Game recognize game.
You guys, I carved this role out for myself, and I like it.
I'm sorry if I don't wanna give up the one thing in my life that feels like mine.
You should do Peloton.
It makes you less precious elsewhere.
Hey, Dawny.
If you don't wanna work with him, we don't have to.
- No.
- Ray's good and all, but he basically comes with the room.
Really? I mean, if it's what you want.
Okay, well, I feel like all we really need is an engineer.
Oh, my gosh.
You guys.
Kev announced our divorce, finally.
Oh, he posted a little video.
Wait.
Thought we were forev' ♪ Thought you were for Kev ♪ You were like, "Whatev'" ♪ Now I pray to heav' ♪ 'Cause Summer brings the fall ♪ Oh, no.
Summer brings the fall ♪ When you said love ♪ Did you mean cheat on ♪ When you said forever, did you mean until yesterday ♪ Summer brings the fall ♪ Oh.
Hey, babe.
Did you see the good news? Take it down and tell everyone the truth, you liar! Hey, babe, I did not shank here, okay? I just found a way to give you what you want.
- What? - I know it's not ideal, but it also gives me a reason to get a thang that I don't even believe in.
You get the big D you want, and I get to keep this gravy train going by rebranding myself as a brokenhearted Christian bachelor dude.
Tony C.
invited me to Zoom poker night.
Tony C.
chose you? Oh! How dare you drag me like this, Kev? You have shanked it one too many times.
It is about to get ugly, babe.
Okay, I need to clap back and bury Kev.
Dawn, write me something super mean.
He has Invisalign for his calves.
He takes a diet pill that makes horses run fast.
I think I have a picture of his penis somewhere.
It got burned real bad in a tanning booth.
Summer, stop it! - No! Leave me alone.
- I'm gonna make an effigy.
- Who has tape and a tan balloon? - No.
You're better than this.
Don't stoop.
I know this is hard, but Kev's just scared and he's defensive.
Like Dawn was a minute ago.
But he's making me look bad! I promise you that you will look worse if you engage in this.
But I don't wanna be known as the bad one.
And he gets to be all perfect.
Sometimes the bad one is really the stronger one.
It is the stronger one.
Are you making this about you? I am.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Give us a shot of that bad foot.
- Show us the bad foot! - Show the bad foot! I can't, because I don't have a bad foot.
I have a strong foot, a foot that has gotten me where I am today, a foot that suffered so the other could shine.
This is the foot that kicked Russell Simmons, that got an infection testing the grotto on Joe Francis' plane, the foot that got electrocuted when I played the big piano in the rain at Woodstock '99 in a toe ring, the foot that jammed itself in the doorframe to get me my first and last meeting at Jive Records.
So yes, I will happily show you my strong foot! Formerly known as Reek, now known as My ♪ Matterhorn.
Wait, so you're not ashamed of it? No, I am not.
Now it's not fun anymore.
Good for you.
How do I take my mind off being a Christian victim of adultery? That's easy.
Brinehurst Community College.
Start your future now.
Link in bio, y'all.
Kev, here's the deal.
You can have all of the sympathy and fans.
But I get the house, the cars, the Peloton, and Stevia, plus continued support for my extensions and 3/4 of all of our Doug.
Dag.
This is your chance.
I'd take it.
Okay.
You deserve all that, Sum.
Quick question and I've really been slow-playing this one can I live in the basement? All of my crabs are dead due to a critical humidifier error, and I just feel like it would Be really hard to go back.
I feel good.
And I just started an online forum called WickieFoot inspired by my new openness.
It's a place where women can proudly share parts they've kept hidden due to societal pressure.
- Hey.
- Wow.
And the pervs found it.
Hello, guys, my liberation continues.
I got rid of my "Summer loves Kev" tattoo.
"Summer loves Kevin Bacon's Filmography.
" Yeah, we all do, right? Also, I decided I don't mind being the villain.
This morning, Stevia said hi to me in the kitchen.
Oh! Which button you want me to push? Oh, my God.
Where the hell you get that guy? TaskRabbit.
He's an engineer.
I know all the buttons.
Square, circle, red.
Which button you want me to push? Dawn, your ego could unlock my phone 'cause recognition technology.
Which button? Fine.
- Ray, can you come back? - Why? Please don't make me apologize.
I can't say sorry to a guy that pushes up the sleeves of his blazer.
It's called Varvatos-ing.
I was possessive, and your mix was kinda catchy.
Let's wiggle.
Good job, Dawn.
Let's get to work.
Is there a Gloria McManus here? - Oh, shit.
- There you are.
You need to come back, Ms.
McManus.
Gloria, have you been wearing a hospital gown tucked into your jeans this whole time? I'm not great at taking help from people either, okay? Jesus, Gloria.
Go back to the hospital.
Fine.
I'm good.
Thought we were forev' ♪ Thought you were for Kev ♪ You were like, "Whatev'" ♪ Now I pray to heav' ♪ For strength ♪ 'Cause Summer brings the fall ♪ Summer brings the fall ♪ When you said love, did you mean cheat on? ♪ When you said forever, did you mean until yesterday ♪ I thought I was your male ♪ 'Cause you're my holy grail ♪ But you had to bail, babe ♪ What an epic fail, babe ♪ 'Cause Summer brings the fall ♪ Summer brings the fall ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ - Good night, everybody! - Good night!
Am I underdressed? Even for a scarecrow.
Okay, well, this is a lot even for you.
Is this coat from the Nicole Kidman - "Undoing" Collection? - It is.
Well, we have to do everything we can to build our own hype, and paparazzi always hang out by recording studios.
Does my face look hotter after "Leave me alone, animals," or, "You killed Diana"? "Animals" has a nice pout.
God, it's so cool.
We get to make the album we want this time.
Finally we're in charge of the sesh.
No more singing whatever crap they give us.
Half our old songs weren't even spell-checked.
We don't want no average joe ♪ So you better be rollin' in some Doug ♪ - It should have been "dough.
" - Ugh.
Speaking.
Oh, hi.
Okay, so Kev just landed.
I'll be there by, like, 2:00 p.
m.
at the latest.
- Okay.
Don't stress, Sum.
- It's just day one.
Just be layin' down demos.
Gloria's not even out of the hospital yet.
Oh, okay.
I am just I'm so excited to get this divorce announcement over with.
And then Kev and I can offish file the paperwork.
- Proud of you.
- Has to be done.
And, guys, can I just say, the one thing that has been getting me through this time is knowing that I have friends who just support There they are! Leave me alone, animals! I'm just trying to make Wickie Roy's triumphant return to the studio.
Oh, God.
Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ It's too short ♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪ 'Cause that's one more than 2gether ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪ So what are you waiting 5? Girls5eva ♪ Oh, yeah.
We can make magic here.
Is it soundproof, though? I can hear a bus lowering.
Not a bus.
I'm discharged, motherfuckers.
- You are? - Amazing.
Yup, they sent me home for PT.
This thing rips through your scar tissue in real time.
Hey.
As you can probably guess by my vibe, - I'm Ray.
- Oh.
Oh, don't worry.
I don't smoke.
Just keep it in my mouth.
Right on, Ray.
Dawn.
Yeah.
Our names are both buds with the sun.
Cool, cool.
- Well, let's get crackin'.
- Absolutely.
Oh, God.
So Ooh, what you got there, Wick? This is my riff Rolodex.
All the greats are in here.
Mm.
Me ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ Whee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo ♪ Yeah, yeah, ahh ♪ Ahh - Whoo! Wow, get those ready to layer onto this, 'cause I finished a new song last night.
It's my most ambitious one yet.
Hey, Ray, put me through the board.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Okay.
Right out the gate.
Siri, pause leg.
I have it hooked to my phone now.
Oh.
Ray-Ray, let's do ethereal melancholy for the vocals.
You can really crank the stank on Q fader 4.
Thank you, buddy.
Okay.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word "set" has the most meanings 430.
And this song uses all of them.
Where she grew up, they used to say ♪ "Set the table, dear ♪ "Set an example here ♪ "Do your problem set ♪ Don't take the first ring set with shiny stones" ♪ There's that word, "set" ♪ Won't leave her alone ♪ ♪ Age 22, set her luggage down ♪ Set sail and run, run, run this town ♪ Skyscrapers set her soul on fire ♪ Her heights set higher and higher ♪ Oh, boy, she thought that she was set ♪ With her set of life tools ♪ But the city changed the rules ♪ And said game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Bump, set, spike ♪ Age 23, ready, set, go ♪ Phaser set to stun ♪ Set the prisoners free ♪ When the sun sets blue ♪ Over Alpha Centauri ♪ We'll be setting course for the colony ♪ Age setenta ♪ Tea set set for one ♪ Life still feels like it's just begun ♪ But with her hair set one last time ♪ She says ♪ "Game, set ♪ Match" ♪ I counted 370.
I think I missed a few, but Siri, resume leg.
Eight minutes.
That's a lot of real estate for riffs.
- Yeah.
Cool, Dawn.
- A lot of ideas in there.
Thanks, Ray.
Okay, Wick, I think we'll give you ages 20 to 43.
- And, Gloria, we'll give you - Hey.
So before we dive into tracks, I wonder if it's worthwhile to take a step back.
What's the theme of this album? There's no wrong answer.
Like when I worked with Daniel Powter on his album "Daniel Powter," we determined early on that the theme would be Daniel Powter.
You produced "Bad Day"? Yeah, that was my first big gig.
- You're not just an engineer? - You're a producer? By day.
On the weekends, I work with reclaimed wood.
Right now, I'm working on turning a single-slab dining table back into a tree.
You cowrote "Counting Stars" for OneRepublic? "'Hope' is a four-letter word" came to me while I was eating dim sum.
For me, dim sum is the shower.
Oh, you're a word writer too? Yeah, that's really my wheelhouse.
Wheelhouse.
Teal blouse.
Veal mouth.
We're all wordsmiths.
Sushi sampler.
Sushi sampler.
- Big baby's businesses.
- Big baby's business.
Big baby's businesses.
Big baby's business.
Oh, man.
It's gonna be hecka weird to divide stuff up.
I mean, two flat irons, that's easy.
But this shweet house is gonna have to pick one of us, and, I don't know, maybe it'll pick me since I paid for it with WTIT money.
But you're barely ever here.
Well, do you think Neil Armstrong doesn't love space just 'cause he's only been twice? Dag, I hate all of this.
Okay, 20 seconds.
You ready? I flew here, didn't I? Hey, what is up? Sum, I'm trying to be cool, but this whole situation smells.
I mean, what am I getting out of this thang? It's one thang to lose you, but it's a whole other thang to lose the Summer and Kev fans.
They'll be sad, but they'll get it.
They stuck by us when our edible candles weren't.
- But this is the big D.
- We're late now.
Come on.
Let's just get this over with.
Okay, babe.
Hey, fam! You're live with "At real Summer and Kev underscore faith first underscore DM for paid partnerships underscore.
" - Yeah, and, um - Whoa.
Look at this attendance.
This must be a new record, huh, Sums? Yes.
And Kev and I just wanna thank all of you for all your support all these years.
Yeah, your love and light has been totes noted.
And so today we're here because Oh, no, we're not announcing an Easter special, - unforch, Shelly5.
- Nope.
Uh, nope, and we don't need a surrogate.
But I'm sure you got a dope ute, SniperMomOmaha.
No.
With two heavy hearts, Kev and I stand united we stand - to announce that - Stevia's been kidnapped! Huh! - Oh.
- Aw, snap! She has been found! No, no.
Actually, fam, Kev and I are getting Super stoked about that Easter special idea! Let's do a house tour.
Yeah! Oh, look at this.
It's a hallway, y'all! Kev Cameron Kirk Hamlin.
Are you insane? I shanked, babe.
I saw that Summer and Kev love coming in, and I shanked.
I'll just have to file the papers by myself.
The guys at the courthouse like me.
They keep giving me my license back.
Wait, let's just think this through, okay? Summer and Kev is our gravy train.
If we split up, all that goes bye-bye.
Girls5eva got a record deal, so I can handle this chapter.
Babe, your advance cannot pay for this house and your hair.
Plus, I don't believe in Divorce.
I took a vow for life with one hand on "THE BIBLE: The Magazine," the one where the cover said, "Shut up, Dixie Chicks!" - You remember.
- I can't stand this! I'm not saying you have to stay in this.
I'm just saying maybe we could figure something out that works for both of us, like we stay married but only for the fans.
And then IRL, you do you.
I do me.
I mean, couples do that all the time, right? Swedish royals.
Pastor Chazz and Mrs.
Pastor Chazz.
That president with the leg blanket and his shorty.
Stevia, are you hearing this? Well, everyone's public persona is a character.
Like, on TikTok, I'm anti-bullying.
But in real life Oh! Dag, respect the elders, yo! Dawn, I like that fourth bridge.
But what if that's the chorus? Oh.
And move her 60s before her 30s? - Mm-hmm.
- Hey, uh, Ray? Can you give us a sec? We need to empty Gloria's fluid bag.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Right on.
I don't have a bag anymore.
I urinate by lying sideways in the shower.
So how we gonna do it? Do what? Get rid of Ray! We got another toxic dude on our hands.
Did I miss something? Did he take his dick out? Not that I would notice.
They are so boring to me.
No.
I don't think I saw him sniff our chairs.
He didn't, but It seems like he's asking the right questions, like, "What is the theme of our album?" Is it Daniel Powter? - Oh, my God! - Jesus.
I got a Google Image alert.
My paparazzo pics are up.
They're probably on EW or TMZ or DMZ, the North Korean TMZ.
Okay.
Uploaded to wikiFeet.
I have a perfect rating, you know.
I do not get the foot thing at all.
I am just a meat-and-potatoes genitals gal.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- They saw it? - Saw what? Fricking wind! Oh, my God.
This is bad.
This is bad.
What did they see, Wick? My bad foot.
- What? - Okay.
I have a good foot and a bad foot.
The good foot, the left one, is classical perfection.
High arch, baby bottom heel.
Might as well be carved by Michelangelo's sword.
That's why I always put it front of house, pose with one leg out, Angelina style.
But the other foot, while fully functional, is far from beautiful.
Nicknamed Reek, it lives in the shadows.
I've kept it hidden my entire career.
How have I never noticed this? It's been buried in the sand during spring breaks, hidden behind bunnies in "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" ads.
I even tried to launch a doomed shoe line.
They're from my collection, Miss Match, spelled M-I-S-S.
But let's circle back to Mel's exciting news.
Well, can we see it? Yeah, out with it.
Once you've seen something called geographic tongue, you can handle anything.
- Come on.
- Oh, God.
Slap that roast up here.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Wow, that nail has a real fried plantain kinda vibe to it.
I know.
Where's that toe trying to go? Away from itself.
Wouldn't you? Hi, guys.
You're not perfect? Oh, God.
I will not lose my perv base.
So how did your announcement go, Sum? Well - Wickie! - Oh, there she is! Wickie! Wickie! Wickie, show us your bad foot! - The lies about my feet ARE JUST THAT: lies, fake news.
No further comment.
So we'll just do separate lives.
Well, how is that any different than what you've been doing for years? Yeah, how on earth is that progress? Well I was never living my separate life before.
You know, now I can open my eyes to men.
Ah.
Hey.
You know, I really like a man who wears four different sweatshirts.
This looks comfy.
My truck's over there.
I'm kinda full, so you're gonna have to do most of the moving.
You're just an example, sir.
Hello, foot soldiers.
As you know, since wikiFeet came to be, I've had the highest possible feet rating.
My feet have been breathing the same rare air as Mariah or Eliza Dushku before baby.
Today that all changed.
But I assure you the blurry photo you saw was doctored.
Let me show you what we all know to be true: that both my feet look like they were meticulously drawn by a lonely anime guy.
Loving those likes and hearts.
Thank you.
What are you doing? It's my room.
Two mirrors? Now it's too many feet.
Disappointed! What's our secret to everlasting love? Tony C.
's Bail Bonds in Fort Thomas, Arizona! Family-owned and faith-based, it's your one-stop shop for all your bail-related needs.
Link in bio, y'all.
Ahh, shweet.
Only ten more to bang out, and then we can start on the Cameos.
You know, I thought I'd have trouble acting like your wife, but acting is easy.
Like, why is Daniel Day-Lewis always like "I'm retiring.
This is hard"? Ahh! I got tagged! Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh.
I only did flirting once to prove a point.
Well, I guess we should have talked about discretion.
I don't like this, Kev.
Oh, babe, it's not that bad.
I mean, this account isn't even verified.
It only has, like, 20 likes.
And it ends in a question mark, like, "Is she cheating on Kev?" But what about when I wanna do real stuff? Or when you do? This separate-lives thing isn't gonna work.
You have to suck it up and give me the damn divorce, babe.
But I don't believe in it, babe.
Just figure it out, babe.
Well, this is supes hard for me, babe.
But I guess I'll figure out a way to give you what you want.
God.
I think they knew it was me.
I can't believe I'm dodging cameras.
Do I have to live in here now? Would you just forget about the paparazzi? Let's just focus on the work and lay down "Set.
" "Set.
" I gave Ray enough nonverbal cues yesterday that he'll just be a button pusher today 'cause I was like Yeah, so that's hi.
Girls5eva.
So after you left yesterday, I got dim sum and then ideas.
And I was like, "What if we sprinkle in some sugar, cook the hook so it's like" Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match - Hey.
Oh, I like this because I get it.
Game, set, match ♪ Okay.
Whoa, hoo, hoo, hoo ♪ Hey ♪ Hey, well, maybe we wait for Gloria before we marry ourselves to anything.
This is a real Friday-night banger.
Nice work, Dawn.
Ooh, actually, it was Ray and computers.
And what if we layered in a little, like Ba, boo, ba-da-boom-boom, ahh ♪ - Ooh.
- That's just the melody.
The words'll come later.
Oh, wait.
Here they come.
When you gonna come back, now ♪ - Yeah.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ When you gonna come back, now ♪ Ooh! Hey, hey, bye-bye.
I'm just actually just feeling, like, a whole other thing coming through.
Okay.
I know them better than you ♪ I know them better than you ♪ I know that Summer got kicked off of a flight ♪ For working out ♪ And I know that Gloria ♪ Punched BJ Novak in the face ♪ On an unaired episode of "Punk'd" ♪ And Wickie ♪ Pass.
Unknowable.
Is unknowable ♪ - Dawn, I love the passion.
- But maybe we can Ray had a breakdown in 2015.
What? Dawn.
Uh, I read it on the internet.
Are you referencing my Instagram post on World Mental Health Day? I am.
What kind of deep dive did you do on me? Well, I also saw a post where you ate octopus.
How did it feel eating something - that's capable of pranks? - Aw.
That was before the documentary.
Hey, if I'm in the way, I can just "set" myself up in the lounge.
I get barely paid either way.
What is up with you? - Let me see your gums.
- What? No.
Stop.
Yeah, what's with all this big baby business? Why are you all obsessed with Ray? What? Well, I thought I was our songwriter-er.
Oh, ooh.
Ray tweaked it, but Dawn, it's still your song.
It doesn't feel like it.
Someone has an ego.
Game recognize game.
You guys, I carved this role out for myself, and I like it.
I'm sorry if I don't wanna give up the one thing in my life that feels like mine.
You should do Peloton.
It makes you less precious elsewhere.
Hey, Dawny.
If you don't wanna work with him, we don't have to.
- No.
- Ray's good and all, but he basically comes with the room.
Really? I mean, if it's what you want.
Okay, well, I feel like all we really need is an engineer.
Oh, my gosh.
You guys.
Kev announced our divorce, finally.
Oh, he posted a little video.
Wait.
Thought we were forev' ♪ Thought you were for Kev ♪ You were like, "Whatev'" ♪ Now I pray to heav' ♪ 'Cause Summer brings the fall ♪ Oh, no.
Summer brings the fall ♪ When you said love ♪ Did you mean cheat on ♪ When you said forever, did you mean until yesterday ♪ Summer brings the fall ♪ Oh.
Hey, babe.
Did you see the good news? Take it down and tell everyone the truth, you liar! Hey, babe, I did not shank here, okay? I just found a way to give you what you want.
- What? - I know it's not ideal, but it also gives me a reason to get a thang that I don't even believe in.
You get the big D you want, and I get to keep this gravy train going by rebranding myself as a brokenhearted Christian bachelor dude.
Tony C.
invited me to Zoom poker night.
Tony C.
chose you? Oh! How dare you drag me like this, Kev? You have shanked it one too many times.
It is about to get ugly, babe.
Okay, I need to clap back and bury Kev.
Dawn, write me something super mean.
He has Invisalign for his calves.
He takes a diet pill that makes horses run fast.
I think I have a picture of his penis somewhere.
It got burned real bad in a tanning booth.
Summer, stop it! - No! Leave me alone.
- I'm gonna make an effigy.
- Who has tape and a tan balloon? - No.
You're better than this.
Don't stoop.
I know this is hard, but Kev's just scared and he's defensive.
Like Dawn was a minute ago.
But he's making me look bad! I promise you that you will look worse if you engage in this.
But I don't wanna be known as the bad one.
And he gets to be all perfect.
Sometimes the bad one is really the stronger one.
It is the stronger one.
Are you making this about you? I am.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Give us a shot of that bad foot.
- Show us the bad foot! - Show the bad foot! I can't, because I don't have a bad foot.
I have a strong foot, a foot that has gotten me where I am today, a foot that suffered so the other could shine.
This is the foot that kicked Russell Simmons, that got an infection testing the grotto on Joe Francis' plane, the foot that got electrocuted when I played the big piano in the rain at Woodstock '99 in a toe ring, the foot that jammed itself in the doorframe to get me my first and last meeting at Jive Records.
So yes, I will happily show you my strong foot! Formerly known as Reek, now known as My ♪ Matterhorn.
Wait, so you're not ashamed of it? No, I am not.
Now it's not fun anymore.
Good for you.
How do I take my mind off being a Christian victim of adultery? That's easy.
Brinehurst Community College.
Start your future now.
Link in bio, y'all.
Kev, here's the deal.
You can have all of the sympathy and fans.
But I get the house, the cars, the Peloton, and Stevia, plus continued support for my extensions and 3/4 of all of our Doug.
Dag.
This is your chance.
I'd take it.
Okay.
You deserve all that, Sum.
Quick question and I've really been slow-playing this one can I live in the basement? All of my crabs are dead due to a critical humidifier error, and I just feel like it would Be really hard to go back.
I feel good.
And I just started an online forum called WickieFoot inspired by my new openness.
It's a place where women can proudly share parts they've kept hidden due to societal pressure.
- Hey.
- Wow.
And the pervs found it.
Hello, guys, my liberation continues.
I got rid of my "Summer loves Kev" tattoo.
"Summer loves Kevin Bacon's Filmography.
" Yeah, we all do, right? Also, I decided I don't mind being the villain.
This morning, Stevia said hi to me in the kitchen.
Oh! Which button you want me to push? Oh, my God.
Where the hell you get that guy? TaskRabbit.
He's an engineer.
I know all the buttons.
Square, circle, red.
Which button you want me to push? Dawn, your ego could unlock my phone 'cause recognition technology.
Which button? Fine.
- Ray, can you come back? - Why? Please don't make me apologize.
I can't say sorry to a guy that pushes up the sleeves of his blazer.
It's called Varvatos-ing.
I was possessive, and your mix was kinda catchy.
Let's wiggle.
Good job, Dawn.
Let's get to work.
Is there a Gloria McManus here? - Oh, shit.
- There you are.
You need to come back, Ms.
McManus.
Gloria, have you been wearing a hospital gown tucked into your jeans this whole time? I'm not great at taking help from people either, okay? Jesus, Gloria.
Go back to the hospital.
Fine.
I'm good.
Thought we were forev' ♪ Thought you were for Kev ♪ You were like, "Whatev'" ♪ Now I pray to heav' ♪ For strength ♪ 'Cause Summer brings the fall ♪ Summer brings the fall ♪ When you said love, did you mean cheat on? ♪ When you said forever, did you mean until yesterday ♪ I thought I was your male ♪ 'Cause you're my holy grail ♪ But you had to bail, babe ♪ What an epic fail, babe ♪ 'Cause Summer brings the fall ♪ Summer brings the fall ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ Game, set, match ♪ - Good night, everybody! - Good night!