Glee s02e02 Episode Script

Here's what you missed on Glee.
Emma had a crush on Will, but Will was married.
Will had a crush on Emma.
He got a divorce and kissed her but now she's dating some dude named Carl.
- He's my dentist.
- It's a total bummer.
- Tina told Artie to take a hike.
- You're a terrible boyfriend.
Then she got the hots for Mike Chang.
Now Artie's obsessed with getting her back.
- I want abs.
- So much drama.
That's what you missed on Glee.
All right.
Who can tell me who Christopher Cross is? He discovered America.
Close.
He did write an iconic chart topper- "Sailing.
" I have a bad feeling about this lesson.
Never heard of him.
Don't want to hear about him.
Now, some people think of the term "easy listening" as a bad thing but I'm gonna let this music speak for itself.
You guys love Lady Gaga and the Rolling Stones and you guys are really good about putting it all out there but really good music can also be controlled and restrained.
It doesn't have to attack an audience.
It can let them come to you.
How can you get caught between the moon and New York City? They're like a hundred miles apart.
Mr.
Schue, if I may, I think I speak for all of us when I say that it's not that we don't love the idea of spending a week on this silky-smooth adult contemporary.
It's just that, as teens, this isn't the easiest music for us to relate to.
However, there is a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swelled to over five members.
The ardent demand? That this week, at the fall homecoming assembly the McKinley High School Glee Club perform a number by- wait for it- Ms.
Britney Spears.
- Yo, Spears is fierce, yo.
- Yeah.
Whoo! Sorry.
Kurt.
Kurt.
Sorry.
No.
No.
No.
I don't think she's a very good role model.
But, Mr.
Schue, we kind of grew up with her.
She's literally why I wanted to become a performer.
- I don't want to do Britney.
- Why no Britney, Brittany? Because my name is also Britney Spears.
- What? - What the hell is she talking about? My middle name is Susan.
My last name is Pierce.
That makes me Brittany S.
Pierce.
Brittany "Spierce.
" I've lived my entire life in Britney Spears's shadow.
I will never be as talented or as famous.
I hope you'll all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S.
Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.
Well, there you have it, guys.
It's been decided.
No Britney.
Sorry.
Thanks, Britt.
Thanks a lot.
Leave Brittany alone.
Thank you for understanding.
It's been a hard road.
Um, can we move on? Yes.
Let's talk about Michael Bolton.
I know that Britney's had some issues in the past but I actually think it's quite admirable the way she's gotten her life back together.
Hasn't she had, what, like three number one hits in the past two years? She's a single mom raising two kids.
I think she's the perfect symbol for the possibility of rebirth.
I ca- See, that's your problem, Will.
You're too uptight.
- Oh, you're calling me uptight? - Mm-hmm.
The woman who buys hand sanitizer by the barrel? I admit I have had some control issues in the past but Carl's been helping me with all of that.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Um, like how? So, the other day he made me buy the green grapes and the red grapes at the market.
Then we just mixed them together in a bowl, and we just ate them.
- It was madness.
Sheer madness.
- Wow.
You know what? That's fine.
Make fun all you want but it's a start, and I am incredibly grateful for it.
Hey now.
Am I interrupting? Carl, no.
Hi.
What are you doing here? I thought I'd surprise you and take you to lunch.
Oh, I love that look of instant panic every time I try to change your routine.
Adorable.
- And you must be Will.
- Yeah.
Emma told me you're the cutest guy in school.
Will, you grind your teeth? I- I don't think so.
- Damn it.
- What? What's wrong? Another teenager needs a root canal.
I swear not one student in this school is gonna have their teeth by the time they're 30.
Oh, the sugar kids eat today.
Carl has been trying to get the school board to let him come do a seminar on good dental hygiene, but they've been dragging their feet.
- Why don't you come talk to Glee Club? - Well- - That would be a dream, Will.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Will, that would be amazing.
I'm usually pretty tight about our rehearsal schedule but I think I can loosen the reins a bit for Carl.
Kids can't sing without teeth, right? No.
They'd be- They wouldn't be singing.
They'd be gumming.
- This jacket! Hey.
Hey! Give me that back! I earned that! This jacket belongs to people who are actually on the team.
But you know what? We gonna restyle it to represent the obvious duality in your sexuality.
Ooh.
- Trying to swing at me? - Swingin', huh? - Come on.
Swing at me.
- I love it.
Come on! - Come on.
Let's go! - Sorry to interrupt.
I'm actually glad you're here to see this.
Finn, I just wanted to apologize for getting you kicked off the football team.
I just hope there's no hard feelings.
- So, what are you guys talking about? - Dude, take him.
This wheelchair kid is in the way.
What if I knock him over? Ah, there's something not right about hitting a kid in a wheelchair.
The only thing that's saving you right now is my moral code.
I don't hit crippled people, but I'll be back.
- We're gonna be back.
All right.
So here's the deal.
You chew this little capsule.
If there's any plaque you missed, the dye will stick to it and turn your teeth blue.
Can I just say that you are the hottest dentist I've ever seen.
- Yeah, I get that all the time.
- No.
Like, seriously, you can totally drill me whenever- Santana.
Okay.
Let's stay focused.
Rock and roll, Ems.
And besides, this guy- Now, this guy's pretty easy on the eyes too, huh? And you know what? No matter how hard I tried I bet I couldn't sing and dance like him.
- Ah, probably not.
- All right.
Let's take a look at those chompers, huh? Before we chew, I would just like to alert Mr.
Schue that there's been a new addition to the Britney Spears Facebook campaign.
Sorry.
The answer's still no.
Capsules, guys.
Yes.
Chew away.
Chew, chew.
Oh, my God.
What? Ah! I don't understand.
I floss between classes.
- Well, sometimes it's genetics.
- I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror.
- There you go, blue tooth.
- I don't brush my teeth.
I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat.
I was pretty sure Dr Pepper was a dentist.
I got this, Em.
Some deep bleaching, little scaling, you'll be as good as new.
All right.
Open up.
Close.
Close again.
Muzak.]
This room looks like the one on that spaceship where I got probed.
So, Brittany, you, uh- You have the worst teeth I've ever seen.
You have cavities in every single tooth.
This has got to be some sort of record.
Please don't pull all my teeth.
When I smile I'll look like an adult baby, but with boobs.
I'm gonna put you under with a little general anesthesia.
You won't feel a thing.
- Like roofies? - Yeah.
Totally.
I'll put on Pandora.
- ## - And you just relax.
Oh, no.
Not Britney.
# All you people look at me like I'm a little girl # # Well, did you ever think it'd be okay for me to step into this world # # Always saying "Little girl, don't step into the club" # # Well, I'm just trying to find out why 'cause dancing's what I love # - # Now watch me # - # Get it, get it, get it, get it # - # Ooh # - # Get it, get it # - # Do you like it # - # Whoa # - # Get it, get it, get it, get it # - # Oh # - # It just feels good # # I'm a slave for you # # I cannot hold it # # I cannot control it # # I'm a slave for you # # I won't deny it # # I'm not trying to hide it # # I know I may come off quiet may come off shy # # But I feel like talking, feel like dancing when I see this guy # # What's practical is logical What the hell, who cares # # All I know is I'm so happy when you're dancing there # # Baby # # Don't you wanna dance up on me # # I just wanna dance next to you # # To another time and place # # Oh, baby # # Don't you wanna dance up on me # - # Are you ready # - # Leaving behind my name and age # - # Let's go # - # Get it, get it, get it, get it # - # Ooh # - # Get it, get it, get it, get it # - # Whoa # - # Get it, get it, get it, get it # - # I'm a slave for you # - # Here we go now # - # Here we go now # - # I cannot hold it # - # I cannot control it # - # Do you like it when I move # - # I'm a slave for you # - # Here we go # # I won't deny it # - # Yeah # - # I'm not trying to hide it # # Yeah # - # Like that ## - Brittany? Brittany, wake up.
All right.
You're gonna feel a little nauseous.
I petted a snake.
Rock on.
I'm gonna have to see you tomorrow.
You have 68 cavities.
I couldn't get 'em all today.
Can I have a blue toothbrush? - I'll give you a hundred toothbrushes.
- Okay.
Are you a cat? Are you all right? You seem a little down.
Didn't you like the banana bread I baked you? Yeah.
It was awesome.
It's just- How do you feel about me not being on the football team anymore? I'm actually kind of happy about it.
Then I don't have to fantasize about what song I'd sing at your bedside if you were in a coma.
Yeah.
But I'm just so not cool now, you know? Well, it's just less of a chance of you running off with some cheerleader.
Wait.
So you want me to feel bad about myself? No.
I just- I want to be the only thing that makes you feel good.
- I'm just trying to be honest.
- Hey, dwarf.
Anyone ever tell you you dress like one of the bait girls on To Catch a Predator? Also, I'm more talented than you.
You could have defended me.
Well, Santana has a point.
I'm just trying to be honest.
Muzak.]
- So, Santana, I'm looking at your charts and your X-rays.
- Your teeth are perfect.
- That's right.
Well, I can't just put you under.
Anesthesia isn't something to joke about.
It's serious.
Okay, listen.
My dad's a doctor.
And not a "tooth doctor.
" A real one.
He, like, went to college or something.
Which means I have a killer health care plan that pretty much pays for everything.
So get up in my grille 'cause Britts and I wants to get our anesthesia on.
- It's totally cool.
- Well, okay.
- I guess I can give you a superstrong bleaching.
- Mmm.
- Should I turn the radio on? - We've got it covered.
# All my people in the crowd # # Grab a partner Take it down # # It's me against the music # - # It's just me # - # And me # - # Yeah # - # Come on # # Ho # # Hey, Brittany # - # Are you ready # - # Uh-huh # - # Are you # - # Ooh # # No one cares # # It's whippin' my hair It's pullin' my waist # - # To hell with stairs # - # The sweat is drippin' all over my face # - # To hell # - # And no one's there # # I'm the only one dancin' up in this place # - # It's just me # - # Tonight I'm here # # Feel the beat of the drum Gotta get with that bass # # I'm up against the speaker tryin' to take on the music # # It's like a competition Me against the beat # - # I wanna get in the zone # - # Get in the zone # - # I wanna get in the zone # - # I wanna get in the zone # # If you really wanna battle saddle up and get your rhythm # # Tryin' to hit it, chic-a-tah In a minute, I'm-a take you on # - # I'm-a take you on # - # I'm-a take you on # # Hey, hey, hey # # All my people on the floor # - # Let me see you dance # - # Let me see ya # # All my people wantin' more # # Let me see you dance I wanna see ya # # All my people round and round # - # Let me see you dance # - # Let me see ya # # All my people in the crowd # - # Let me see you dance # - # I wanna see ya # # Get on the floor # - # Baby, lose control # - # Yeah # - # Just work your body # - # Uh-huh # - # And let it go # - # Let it go # # If you wanna party just grab somebody # # Hey, Brittany we can dance all night long # # Hey, Brittany # # You say you wanna lose control # # Come over here I got somethin' to show ya # # Sexy lady # # I'd rather see you bare your soul # # If you think you're so hot better show me what you got # # All my people in the crowd # # Let me see you dance # # Come on, Brittany Lose control # # Watch you take it down # # Get on the floor # # Baby, lose control # # Just work your body and let it go # # If you wanna party just grab somebody # # Hey, Brittany we can dance all night long # - # All my people on the floor # - # Said let me see you dance # - # All my people in the crowd # - # Said let me see you dance # - # All my people in the crowd # - # Let me see you dance # # Come on, Brittany Lose control # # Watch you take it down ## - You're really hot.
- You're sweet.
- And your breath smells really good.
- So does yours.
And you know why? 'Cause this is a fantasy.
Wow.
making Christopher Cross a Golden Globe Oscar and five-time Grammy award winner.
- Brittany.
- I would just like to say that, from now on, I demand to have every solo in Glee Club.
- What? - When I had my teeth cleaned I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy.
I sang and danced better than her.
Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am.
I went with her, and I had a Britney fantasy too.
Although now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really sure how our fantasies combined.
- That doesn't make any sense.
- You see, Mr.
Schue? I told you.
Britney Spears busted our Britt out of her everyday fragmented haze of confusion and gave her the confidence to step up and perform.
I'm more talented than all of you.
I see that clearly now.
It's Brittany, bitch.
Guys, we're not doing Britney Spears, and that's that.
Mr.
Schue, you are letting your own personal issues get in the way of something that we are all telling you we really want to do.
I mean, this club regularly pays tribute to pop culture and Britney Spears is pop culture.
- To suggest otherwise is heretical.
- Kurt! - I'm done talking about this.
- Geez! Let loose a little, would you? Stop being so fricking uptight all the time! Kurt.
- I'll see you in the principal's office.
- Uh-oh.
- Ahhh.
- Ahhh.
- # Ahhh # - # Ahhh # - ## - ## All right.
Evidence of some grinding.
- I'll set you up with a night guard.
- Fantastic.
Happy to do it.
- All right.
Can we stop this right now? - What? Well, this is clearly awkward for the two of us.
All right.
Let's talk it out.
Bro to bro.
Fine, bro.
I still have feelings for Emma.
Strong feelings.
So do I.
The difference is she chose me.
Now, I don't know what's gonna happen with Emma and I, but I do ask that you back off until we figure it out.
What if I tell you I don't think I could do that? Rinse.
Will, put yourself in my shoes.
I mean, say it doesn't work out between the two of us and she chooses to go back to you.
How would you feel if I continued to come after her? Okay, fine.
I'll back off.
But the second she starts leaning my way, I am back in.
Deal? Deal.
Now open back up.
I want to continue this examination.
- Ahhh.
- No more ahhhs.
You know what? I got just the thing for you.
- Candy? - You gotta loosen up and bang, bro.
I mean, you're grinding those beautiful little teeth down to nubs.
I honestly think that's why you and Emma didn't work out.
There's not an impulsive bone between the two of you.
- And you think eating candy's gonna change that? - You gotta get ridiculous, bro.
You gotta just start doing things that feel good for no reason.
You know, I used to get up at the same time every day and have the same eggs.
One day I'm driving the hybrid to work, past the Chevy dealership.
The new Corvettes had just come in.
So I stop right on the spot I make a U-turn, and I buy one.
Now I take the top down, take Emma for a spin.
She doesn't even care if her hair gets messed up.
You follow me? - Hey, Rachel.
- Hey, Mr.
Schue.
You all set? You need me to stay with you or anything? No.
I've been taking herbal anti-anxiety pills and reading the unauthorized biography of Britney Spears to stay calm.
I look forward to the day the paparazzi provokes me and I attack them.
Are you okay? Did you have a cavity or something? - Is that candy? - I'm fine.
Good luck.
# Oh, baby, baby # # Oh, baby, baby # # Oh, baby, baby How was I supposed to know # # That something wasn't right here # # Oh, baby, baby # # I shouldn't have let you go # # And now you're out of sight, yeah # # Show me how you want it to be # # Tell me, baby # # 'Cause I need to know now what we've got # # My loneliness is killing me and I # # I must confess I still believe # # Still believe # # When I'm not with you I lose my mind # # Give me a sign # # Hit me, baby one more time # # Oh, baby, baby # # Yeah, hey # # Oh, baby, baby # # Yeah, hey, yeah # # Oh, baby, baby # # How was I supposed to know # # Oh, pretty baby # # I shouldn't have let you go # # I must confess that my loneliness # # Is killing me now # # Don't you know I still believe # # When I'm not with you I lose my mind # # Give me a sign # # Hit me, baby one more time ## Rachel? Rachel, wake up.
You Glee kids are impossible to work on.
You're always moving around when you're under.
Is this real life? Hey.
Take my hoodie.
You look cold.
- It's okay.
Wait.
You mean you don't like my new look? - Don't you think it's a bit much? I think that guy just broke up with his girlfriend over there just so he could stare at you.
I'm just doing what you told me.
Besides, it's not like when I went all sad-clown hooker and put on that ridiculous Grease catsuit.
This is just like my regular look with the volume turned up.
Ooh, baby, you can hit me as many times as you want, as long as you got that on.
How come all the gay guys always get the hottest chicks? - Move it! - What? You see what I'm talking about? They're personifying you.
Objectifying.
Whatever.
Just tell me why it's okay for you to feel safer with me not on the football team, but it's not okay for me to feel safer with you in your old reindeer sweaters.
Look.
I see your point.
In order for this relationship to work, we can't control each other.
So you have my blessing to rejoin the football team if you can.
It looks like a Jewish cloud.
What do you want for her? I'll give you anything.
I'll give you my house.
I'll kill my parents, and I'll give you my house.
Wanky, wanky! - I kind of liked your old car.
- Oh! That car was a metaphor for everything that was wrong with my life.
My fear of change.
That dragging muffler was like the chains of Marley's ghost.
Oh, God.
And now they're gone, and I feel like a free man! By buying the same car as Carl? His didn't have heated seats.
Come on, Emma.
I'm just doing everything you said I should do.
I'm loosening up, and- I feel amazing.
Let's take her for a spin.
Easy Listening.]
Oh, this is my jam.
# Well, it's not that far to paradise # # At least it's not for me # # And if the wind is right we can sail away # # And find tranquillity ## - Get out of the car.
- Watch this.
I'm taking this back to the dealer.
Oh.
Hey, home wrecker! Do I have to remind you that we are divorced? I am reminded every month when I get my spousal support check- the one that I know you can't send me if you're buying a car that you can't afford! Emma.
You know what? Actually I think you should keep this car.
You should enjoy it, you know, at least until they repossess it.
But just don't buy any more big-ticket items, okay? Why is that? Because someday you are gonna come to your senses, Will and you're gonna get over that little miss crazy pants and you're gonna come back to the one woman who really knows how to love you.
I just don't want you to have blown all of our savings when you do.
Damn! Well, Rachel, congratulations.
Normally you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish but I actually dig this look.
- Yay.
- Thank you.
I think what Santana's trying to say, Rachel- though I risk expulsion by saying so- is that it seems Britney Spears has really helped you blossom.
That's all.
Wait.
Rachel, is that true? I mean, you are sort of dressing differently.
- Bouncy, bouncy, bounc- - Hey, hey.
Look.
All I know is that I had a very vivid Britney Spears fantasy at the dentist and since then it's made me feel free to get out of my own way.
I think I've just always been afraid to dress like a pretty girl because I've never really felt like one before.
Now I realize it's okay to feel that way about yourself every now and then.
Maybe it's a good thing.
It's such a good thing, I can't believe it.
William, a word.
You have got to be kidding me.
I was headed to the library computers late last night to score my Cheerios some cheap tickets on one of those off-brand airlines with shoddy safety records.
You know, to fly my J.
V.
Squad, so if the plane did go down, it wouldn't be that big a deal.
But then, horror! Rachel, are you aware you've never been hotter than you are right now dressed as Britney Spears? Thank you.
- Can I put some clothes on, please? - No.
I want you to feel the beads of your own sweaty, depraved stank dripping down your butt crack.
Rachel Berry was dressing like Britney Spears, and I was titillated.
Oh, dear God.
Please don't ever say that word again.
Can I go now, please? You're gonna have to turn around when I stand up if you know what I mean.
That is really gross, Sue, but they're kids.
Hormones.
William, I realize you're still mourning the loss of that bony, redheaded hominid you're in love with.
I understand that.
I also understand that you've bought a brand-new car to impress her.
You're flailing, William.
Now, I'm secretly hoping it's a midlife crisis which means you're halfway to an early death affording me a blissful, demented convalescence spent peeing on your grave.
What's your point, Sue? Don't let your own recklessness blind you to the fact that Britney Spears is a genius pop culture provocateur and a gateway drug to every out-of-control impulse ever created.
This school is a powder keg of sexual deviance, William.
And in my office, I have a chair with a naked butt-sweat stain to prove it.
I'm not kiddin'.
It's like an inkblot test, that butt-sweat stain.
Stare into it, William and you will see the light of all that is good go out of the world.
Wait just a second now.
You look more confused than ever.
Is your Glee Club doing Britney Spears music? Is that why Rachel was wearing that inappropriate outfit? No.
No.
We are not doing Britney.
Okay.
Just checking.
- - I'm serious.
You should put ranch dressing on it.
- On pizza? - Yeah.
It's delicious.
You should try it.
I'm 100% in love with you right now.
- Hey, Britney.
- Oh, hey, Artie.
Girl, you are such a fool for breaking up with such a sweetheart.
I know, Britney.
Artie, I'm sorry.
And I'm stronger.
I'm serious.
You're hot.
# Ooh, hey, yeah # # Hush, just stop # # There's nothing you can do or say # # Baby # # I've had enough # # I'm not your property as from today # # Baby # # You might think that I won't make it # # On my own # # But now I'm stronger than yesterday # # Now it's nothing but my way # # My loneliness ain't killing me no more # # I- I'm stronger # # Oh, yeah Here I go, on my own # # I don't need nobody Better off alone # # Here I go, on my own now # # I don't need nobody Not anybody # # Here I go # # Here I go Here I go # # Here I go # # Stronger than yesterday # # It's nothing but my way # # My loneliness ain't killing me no more # # No more # # I- I'm stronger ## Britney.
- What are you doing? - Oh.
I'm, uh, going to run some laps.
Gonna get back in shape and back on the team.
That's what I came to talk to you about.
I want on the team too.
Every day, Tina and Mike's Asian fusion grows stronger.
Look.
I want to help you, dude, but kind of need to take care of myself right now.
I'm sorry.
I had a vision at the dentist.
You and I were out on the field with the team, playing football.
We were unstoppable.
I just know that if we can show what I can do to Coach B, she'd put me on the team.
Show me what? I- I wanted to ask you to reconsider putting me on the football team.
- I'm not with him on this one.
- Well, you should be.
I need you to help him get his uniform.
What? Well, don't just stare at me like a donkey with a wooden leg.
Go see the equipment manager, and you boys get out on the field.
Practice starts in five minutes.
Thanks, Coach.
We won't let you down.
Well, come on.
Go! Those are on backwards.
I was pretty sure Artie's legs don't work.
- Did you get a leg transplant? - Nope.
My teammates can push my chair like a battering ram.
Yep.
There's no rules against it.
We checked.
- And I have Britney Spears to thank.
- You're welcome.
Britney plus nitrous gave me an amazing idea.
And it gave me the nerve to tell Coach Beiste that Finn and I really want to be on the team.
- Wait.
You're back on the football team? - Yeah.
Suddenly you're way hotter to me.
Weird.
Wait.
I don't get it.
How come everyone's having Britney Spears fantasies? The nitrous oxide dentists use is a mild hallucinogen.
Studies have proven that it induces vivid dreams- often the last thing the patient thinks of.
The subconscious moves to the forefront.
Since we've all been thinking so much about Britney, it only stands to reason.
- Okay, guys.
Listen up.
- Mr.
Schue, if I may- Kurt, I overheard what you guys were just talking about, and I know what you're gonna say.
The answer is no.
- No, I'm not gonna stand in the way anymore.
If you guys want to do Britney at this year's homecoming assembly, I'm fine with it.
- Good.
- Yes! - I know.
Oh.
And, more than that I am going to perform with you.
Right? I always thought the boys' locker room would be all sexy but actually smells like feet in here.
Oh, Rachel, you can't be in here.
You changed back to your old clothes.
I just want you to know that I heard everything that you said and that I respect your needs, and I'll do anything to make you feel safe and happy.
Cool.
- Well, thanks.
I gotta go.
- Wait.
I mean d-don't you want to make me feel safe and happy too? Well, yeah.
Yeah.
Sure.
Wait.
Wait.
Do you want me to quit football? Look.
How am I supposed to trust that you're not just gonna stray again? Remember your little fling with Brittany and Santana? I do.
All right.
Let's face it, Finn.
The only way that this relationship is gonna work is if we're both losers.
Okay.
Come here.
This is how it's gonna happen.
I'm gonna be quarterback again.
Then I'm gonna throw a touchdown in our first game and then point to you in the stands so that everybody in the school knows you're my girlfriend.
- All right? - It's very romantic, but- I don't know.
Rachel, you can't ask me to choose between you and football.
Well, I am.
Why don't you sit at the top and wave your big foamy finger.
Yeah? Up there.
It's so, so exciting! - You know, I can get you backstage if you want.
- Oh.
Hey.
- Hey.
- You're all dressed up.
You look like a cast member of Kids Incorporated.
I really want to loosen up a bit, so I'm helping the kids do Britney.
- Outrageous, right? - Yeah.
Showtime.
Sit down.
There's nothing to stand up and cheer about.
Hey, Coach.
The Glee Club's doing Britney Spears for the assembly.
I just found out.
Becky, you're on red alert.
If you see any awkward teenage frottage you perform that citizen's arrest we practiced.
Got it, Coach.
Quiet, please, children.
Quiet now.
First, students who ate the ravioli today and are not up to date on their tetanus shots should see the nurse immediately.
Welcome to our homecoming pep assembly.
Because of last week's grisly train derailment the Dulcimer Club is on hiatus until further notice.
But do we ever have a treat for you.
Fresh off their last-place finish at the regionals please give it up for the New Directions.
# Baby, can't you see # # I'm calling # # A guy like you should wear a warning # # You're dangerous # # I'm lovin' it # I love Britney Spears! # Too high Can't come down # - # Losing my head Spinning round and - Wolf Whistle.]
# Oh, do you feel me now # # With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride # - I want to be that hot.
- # You're toxic # # I'm slipping under # # With a taste of a poison paradise # # I'm addicted to you # # Don't you know that you're toxic # # And I love what you do Don't you know that you're toxic # Take it off! - Yes! - # It's getting late # # To give you up # # I took a sip from my devil's cup # # Slowly It's taking over me # # Too high, can't come down It's in the air # - Mr.
Schue, let me be your Britney! - # And it's all around # # Oh, can you feel me now # # Oh # # With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride # - # On a ride # - # You're toxic # # I'm slipping under # - Oh! - # With a taste of a poison paradise # - # I'm addicted to you # - It's so sexy! It's so sexy! # I'm addicted to you # - Mr.
Schue, I want your babies! - # Intoxicate me now # Don't stop doing that! Don't stop doing that! Yes! Yes! # I think I'm ready now # - Yeah! - # Intoxicate me now # - # With your lovin' now # - Uh-oh.
# I think I'm ready # # I think I'm ready now ## It's a Britney Spears sex riot.
Run the other way! How you doing, Sue? Not sure if you heard, William, but my spinal column was ruptured in a sex riot.
Sue, you pulled the alarm.
Everything was going fine.
You know, William, that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention.
But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp and tattoos above her ovaries Mayor Richard J.
Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face and spent the next hour screaming "Sex party!" into the microphones of all three major networks.
Okay.
I'm pretty sure none of that happened.
You can expect a call very soon from my lawyer- Gloria Allred.
I'm gonna sue the pants off you, Will.
I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests.
I mean, seriously.
You wear more vests than the cast of Blossom.
And I'll see you in court.
Emma.
Look.
What I did was a little weird.
I know that.
It was inappropriate for me to do Britney with the kids.
I just thought you wanted me to be less uptight.
Will, I just wanted you to relax.
You know, not stop being you.
I know you're frustrated.
You know, Terri's still on your case.
You lost at regionals.
Glee's still the bottom pickle of the barrel.
- You and Carl.
- Yeah.
Me and Carl.
Especially me and Carl.
Look.
Have you ever noticed that Britney Spears only makes great music when she's not chasing down paparazzi? She can't just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the wall.
She's gotta rein it in, just like you do.
- You're such a great teacher, Will.
- Ah- No.
Probably the best in the whole school.
So why would you want to be someone else when the someone that you already are is so amazing? Because the boring someone I already am wasn't good enough for you.
Hey.
Where you going? To return that car.
U.
S.
History? Crap.
I forgot I was taking that.
Congrats, Finn.
You're back on the team.
I'm head cheerleader again.
Some kind of symmetry.
Don't you think? With all the nastiness between you and I behind us I think we should be together.
We'd be a shoo-in for homecoming king and queen.
So, what do you say? You and me, 8:00, Breadsticks? Look.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't have feelings for you.
Probably always will.
But I'm not gonna get back together with you.
There's someone else, and you know who that is.
I'm asking you to respect that.
I'm sorry.
I said what you wanted me to.
He shot me down.
So, congrats.
Looks like he really loves you.
All right.
Rachel? I have a song that I prepared for the class.
Sorry, Rachel.
No Britney.
I'm really happy that her music has inspired so many of you even if that inspiration was brought about by a dangerous narcotic.
And I think we've all come to appreciate her music and celebrity so much more this week.
But honestly, she's just not us.
I am devastated.
I can't believe we only did one Britney number.
I was actually gonna do something from our original assignment last week- adult contemporary- but this is just a little bit more young adult.
Oh.
Great, Rachel.
Well, let's hear it.
I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend.
Finn, I was wrong.
I shouldn't try to control you.
I've just- I've never been this happy before and I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird.
I get now that, in order for this relationship to work I have to open up my hands and let you fly free.
Finn can fly? - Really? - Wait.
I thought I was the only one getting the solos from now on.
Next week I'm going to be performing a musical number by Kesha.
- Shh.
- Shh.
# When I was younger # # I saw my daddy cry # # And curse at the wind # # He broke his own heart as I watched # # As he tried to reassemble it # # And my mama swore she would # # Never let herself forget # # And that was the day that I promised # # I'd never sing of love # # If it does not exist # # But, darling # # You are the only exception # # You are the only exception # # You are the only exception # # You are the only exception # # Oh, oh # # Oh, oh # # I've got a tight grip on reality # # But I can't let go of what's in front of me here # # I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up # # Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream # # Oh, oh, oh, oh # # You are the only exception # # You are the only exception # # You are the only exception # # You are the only exception # # You are the only exception # # You are the only exception # # And I'm on my way to believing # # And I'm on my way to believing ##