Golan the Insatiable (2013) s02e02 Episode Script

1 Oofta, ol' man Winter is really letting us have it this year.
Yeah, that's not very Minnesota Nice of him, now is it? What the Look out, honey! - Yes! - Release the Devastator! As you wish, master! Come on, come on, come on! Start the damn car! - I'm trying! - We're gonna die! Ha! I got it! We're gonna make it! Yeah! Winter is our greatest ally - in the war on happiness! - You did good, super cool snow fort.
Soon, we won't need Dylan at all.
Feast your eyes on the roadkill flag I made out of roadkill! I call it, "Old Gory.
" Ever since you've summoned me here I've hated everything about your weak-ass dimension, but, I do love how eternal your Winter is, I'm assuming.
What the hell? Your ugly flag is making my sweet-ass fort melt! It's not my flag, Golan, it's the sun.
- Winter's almost over, duh! - Almost over? Elaborate.
In poetic detail.
Soon, the snow will melt, flowers will bloom, baby birds will chirp, children will laugh, love will be in the air.
Spring is coming, Golan! Thank God you found that firewood.
Our baby will be okay.
Uh-oh.
Ah, come on, Eddie, you're killing me! How am I supposed to make a Winter forever spell without the liver of a cross-eyed peasant dwarf?! Say, maybe you should go check out that new - Jewish section we got there? - Cow brains! Sick.
I tell ya, I am so over this Winter.
It's been colder than the left side of Sarah's bed.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Well, we're not letting Winter get us down.
Alexis and I are gonna do a little mother-daughter bonding - in the sky! - Yeah, we got coupons for skydiving! But, what about your other - uh, more unusual daughter? - Dylan? "Unusual?" Mom, Mom, look, cow brains! I'm gonna mind meld with the cow to relive its memories of the slaughterhouse.
Nooo! Not the bolt gun! Tell my calves I love them.
Nice job embarrassing mom again, you little fart sponge! They're out of everything here.
This town so needs a Whole Foods.
Well, if we can't stop springtime with a spell, we're just gonna have to resort to magic for losers.
Science.
Now, when you're like 15 feet from the sun's surface, let that fiery bitch have it with the extinguisher.
Roger.
So, how will I get back? - The crew is expendable.
- Then I die for a noble cause! And since I'm not coming back, could you tell my mom that I'm sorry for being a fart sponge and embarrassing her, and I guess if it was that easy to destroy the sun, some lamp store would have done it by now.
Am I right? Blow out your candles, sweetie.
Yay! You did it, honey! - Come on! - Oh, you two must be here to nab an audition sheet for the Dance of the Last Snowflake.
- Why would we want to do that? - Ow! Because, like me, you love the magic of dance.
Magic, you say? Go on, little girl.
Well, the dance is the centerpiece of Oak Grove's Spring Equinox Festival.
All the town's children dress up as adorable snowflakes and prance to and also fro until Spring's rays of sun arrive, melting the snowflakes one by one.
And it is only when the last snowflake finally melts that Winter will end, and Spring shall begin.
We love you, mayor! Whoa, hold up.
Your seasons are controlled by a dance? Finally, something makes sense in this sausage fest of a dimension.
Dylan, quick, huddle up.
Winter can't end until the last snowflake melts.
So, if you were to get the part - of the last snowflake - And not melt, - then - Winter - will - last Forever! Yeah, forever! Muah-ha-ha! It's time, Golan.
Mom! Hurry up, we're gonna be late for takeoff! Sorry, but I just wanted to be as light as possible.
So, I had to cut loose that three-egg omelette.
- Mom, Mom, Mom! - Carole, Carole, Carole! Can you sign this permission slip? I'm gonna audition to be the last snowflake! Dylan, you want to participate in something normal? I guess.
Oh, I didn't want to cry in front of Stryker.
Wait, since when do you care about strengthening the community by participating in locally-funded arts, huh? - Yeah, Dylan, what's up with that? - Hush, puppies.
In this house poo-pooing is for the bathroom.
Now Dylan, I'm going to go sew you a costume.
Aww, but Ma, we were gonna skydive! You don't fool me, you little boogerlicks.
I know you're up to something.
And when I find out what it is, - I go back to being mom's favorite.
- Go for it.
I'll figure out what you're up to, Dylaaan! Dylan, if you want to nail that audition for the last snowflake, then it's time to teach you how to dance using the Golan method.
First you must leap through the flaming tunnel of burns! Balance your way across the piranha pit! Dodge the cyanide-tipped spears! And finally fill your helmet past the line - with reptile guts! - Let's do it! - Golan! - Carole, thank god you're here.
Is Dylan gonna be okay? I don't know! The doctors aren't telling me anything.
Which one of you is the mother? I am! Doctor, is my baby gonna be okay? I'm afraid not.
Her spine was crushed.
Dylan will never walk again.
I'm sorry doctor, but you don't get to tell me whether my daughter will ever walk again.
You can do it, honey.
Oh okay.
You can let go of me now.
We already did.
I'm walking! Oh my God, I'm walking! Yes! Another victory for Christ.
The girl beats the odds and walks again and suddenly nobody notices Golan got his teeth whitened.
Whatevs.
I don't care, it's just Let's go to the audition.
She's mine! That's my daughter! She's normal! Great audition, kids.
All-righty, time to make my selection for the last snowflake.
The part of the last snowflake goes to - Oh my gosh, just say it already.
- ooo This is exactly why I didn't let that guy read the results of my herpes test.
ooo Mackenzie B! - What? - Yes! Cool, cool, Mackenzie B.
Real quick, hey, can I talk to you about something? Yeah, just behind the stage where nobody can see us.
Uh, okay.
- Mackenzie B.
moved.
- Well, that's very sudden.
Almost as sudden as my decision to now go with Dylan Beekler! Victory! Phase one of our plan to murder Spring is complete.
Soon Winter will last forever! Proud mama boat docking for a hug.
Hmm, Mackenzie B.
moved, eh? You buying that, babe? 'Cause I'm not.
I was not paying attention.
So, Mackenzie B.
Seems like your family didn't move after all, huh? - How'd you find out? - I didn't until now! You just told me! Now, why did you really pull out of the Dance of the last snowflake, huh? Golan made me drop out so Dylan could ruin the dance and Oh, no.
Oww! - Mother! - Hey, what's going on in here? See you around, Mackenzie B.
Oh, sweetie, come to mommy.
Argh! Okay, Dylan, you're the last snowflake.
The sun's beams bear down on you.
But you're cocky.
Nothing can melt you.
Alas, your hubris is your demise! You heat up, and up, and you melt! Yes! Yay, the mayor did it again.
Yay, Dylan! For a second there I thought you were a snowflake.
Really? Thanks, Mom.
The town is just going gaga for you, Dylan.
In fact, you bet'cha, Oak Grove wants to interview you on the TV! We should celebrate.
How about a mommy-daughter date? Really? You mean it? Not that I want or need your approval, Carole.
Because I really don't and although I told Golan we'd hang out.
We can tell Golan that rehearsal went late.
What's all this now? Look who finally decided to show up.
Sorry.
Um, dance rehearsal ran late, so we parachuted home.
Carole, could you plug your ears, please? Dylan, why are you even practicing? All you have to do is not melt.
I know, I know.
I'm just keeping up the ruse, master.
Very well then.
Now, with eternal Winter almost upon us, I have sketched out plans to expand the fortress.
Observe.
Shut up! Is that a drawbridge over the moat? Filled with killer narwhals.
Plus, there's an adult's only area over here.
I call it "the boob zone.
" Totally "toptional.
" - Golan, you are a genius.
- Will you tell me if there's a bee on me? - Because I won't hear it buzzing.
- I think you're fine, Carole.
- What? - Yes, we will tell you.
- Now, Dylan - 'Cause I don't like bees.
They'll sting you just as soon as look at you.
- Mom, stop.
Go inside.
- Hive! Did you say hive? Now, there can be no fort expansion without the proper city easement permits.
I'm counting on you, Dylan to fill out the paperwork.
Meet me at town hall tomorrow five minutes before it closes.
- My lord, you can count on me.
- All right, good.
The first form you're gonna need to fill out is an H-12 and second Mm-hmm.
Alexis! It happened again.
Whoa! The legendary You bet'cha, Oak Grove studio! Wow! There's Snowy Fields.
And pickling Master Pete.
And look, mom, the traffic rooster! What?! The traffic rooster and the sports rooster are the same rooster? Oh, shoot.
I didn't want you to find out until you got married.
How you doin', Beekler? Welcome to You bet'cha, Oak Grove.
Uh, your segment's been pushed 20 minutes, but let's - get you into makeup right now.
- 20 minutes? Um No, I can't.
I'm supposed to meet Golan at Town Hall.
Ah, no problem.
We'll cancel the segment.
Hey, Jerry! Put a chef hat on the rooster, we have a segment to fill.
It's okay, Dylan.
I don't need the world to know how proud I am of you.
No, I'll stay.
This is more important.
Yes! Yet another victory for Christ.
My acolyte will be here any minute! Uh, we're closing, sir.
I'm sorry.
How dare you close on Golan the Insatiable! Wow.
I am sorry.
That was not very Minnesota Nice of me.
I shouldn't have snapped at you.
You're just doing your job.
And let me just say, Grace, your chest has been very large throughout this entire process.
Oh, aren't you sweet.
I could give you a few more minutes.
Why don't we enjoy a little You bet'cha, Oak Grove while we wait? And we've got the last snowflake right here! Isn't she just the most adorable snowflake, yet? You bet'cha! Go ahead, Dylan.
Say something to your fans.
The traffic rooster and the weather rooster are the same roos Dylan doesn't even care about the fort anymore! - Ugh.
- Oh, baby, it will be okay.
I'm just under so much pressure to destroy the world.
If you're mayor and you know it, clap your hands if you're mayor and you know it - Mayor! Mayor! - No, you can't barge in there! The equinox festival is in danger! I'm sorry, mayor.
She doesn't have an appointment.
- Gale, Gale, Gale, it's okay.
- Yeah, get out, Gale.
Mayor, Dylan's gonna ruin the Dance of the last snowflake.
- Oh, I see what's happening here.
- You do? You know, Alexis, sibling jealousy is a lot like diabetes.
Sure, it's cool at first, but eventually, it'll blind you.
Mayor, you're the one who's blind and stupid! How dare you! I'm the mayor! I hereby ban you from the festival! Guards, take her away! Shoo-shoo! Scat! Get out! You'll see! You'll see, mayor! You'll all see! Oh.
Hey there, "big shot.
" Bang up job abandoning me there at the permit office.
Ooh Carole, there's a bee on you.
Golan, I understand you're upset.
But, my mom, she's finally proud of me for once.
And I kind of like it.
Gah! Why don't you and your mommy get a room already? Oh, my god! Dylan, you're gonna melt, aren't you? Why don't we talk about this after the festival, Golan? Goodbye.
But, Dylan, we had a plan! What about Winter? Mother, just drive.
What about - Ooh! - Excuse me, coming through.
Aww, for cute! That's my little angel! - She's mama's little snow angel.
- Boo, you suck! Dylan, what are you up to? What are you up to!? You're not getting anywhere, babe.
Now, we do it my way.
You stare off into the distance while I gently honk your boobs.
What?! I'm calling out an easement application for the super cool snow fort.
Under the amount of time you wrote "eternal.
" But, the snow fort will obviously melt when Spring arrives When Spring arrives Spring arrives Spring arrives Spring arrives Oh, my God! Dylan thinks she can stop Spring by not melting! We have to stop her before she ruins the entire festival! The town needs those equinox dollars! To the festival! La-la-la-la-la Okay, here come the sunbeams.
- Ahh.
- Leap.
Waah! My little girl's gonna be a snowflake! - I'm counting on you, Dylan.
- I am so proud of you.
Don't forget who you really are.
I won't.
And this is who I am! I'll never melt! Winter forever, bitches! - Oh, what the fudge.
- Yes! I knew I could count on that little bastard to not care about her mom's feelings.
- Aha! I told you so! - Hya! I'll just edit this part out.
This whole part of my life.
Golan, I'm sorry I made you doubt me.
It's okay.
I've always doubted you.
And I always will.
- Golan away! - Whoo! Now, everyone, just stay calm! I'm sure our last snowflake will be right Shut up, mayor, you had your chance! We cannot let my bratty little sister get away with this.
So, I'm asking you for your help.
All you chubby little nerds.
Do you want to be second string ensemble background players for the rest of your life? Or do you want to help me kick a little girl's ass? Yeah! Kick a little girl's ass! Come on, people! Let's melt that bitch! We must fortify our defenses.
Secure our perimeter, and prepare for attack! Waah-ha! All right, sunbeams.
We have to get into that castle and melt that snowflake! So get that over here now! Fire! - Attack, my lord! - Brick fight! Ha! Mommy! Oh, yeah.
Wee! Wee! - Get him! - We're about to be breached! Thanks, Stryker.
Mom, what are you doing here? We're in the middle of a war! Dylan Beekler, people worked very hard on that festival.
- Why did you ruin it? - Ugh.
You wouldn't understand.
Only because you don't want me to.
The fort's in danger.
We don't have time for this! - Carole - Aha! Argh! Urgh.
Dylan was only pretending to like dancing for you.
- Really? But why? - My gosh, are you kidding me? - She wants you to be proud of her, duh.
- Hey! Ow! I am proud of her.
But you should be proud of her for who she really is.
The kind of girl who destroys dances, makes bad-ass forts, and super cool flags.
Dylan made this? - What is it? Roadkill? - Yeah.
This part was still twitching when I sewed it in.
Oh, that's really neat.
Oh, I think it bit me.
Mom, I'm sorry I always embarrass you.
No, Dylan, I'm the one who should be apologizing.
I may not always get you, but I am always proud of you.
Plus, this is just a phase you're going through.
But, for now, let's raise this rotting, rancid pelt so all the moms can see the beautiful flag my daughter made! Your days are numbered! There's too many of those little bastards! Get her! Golan, use this! Excellent! We did it! We saved the fort from those nerds! Yes! God, Dylan, act like you've been there before.
Wait a minute, look! Oh my god, it's snowing! Our plan worked! Winter forever! Winter forever! You're all going to die! - You're all going to freeze to death! - Winter forever! - Yes.
Yeah you! - Winter forever! They're supposed to be dead.