Gossip Girl (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

1
We all want to be in control
of how the world sees us.
Sometimes we're tactful
about what we show others.
And sometimes we are tactless.
There are times we wish
we could have
shown ourselves differently.
And then there are times when the
world sees us exactly how we want.
No one believes
me, but it's better in the oven.
They're turkey. Shan's off pork
and Gwen's off nitrates.
And I was fasting.
That's new.
Who among us
hasn't tried to escape our lives
from time to time?
Or buried our heads in the sand
to run from an uncomfortable reality?
You're gonna be late.
Not if I don't go.
- Your friends miss you, and
- Who needs friends, or school,
or clothes?
Can't we just do this forever?
Obie, no
That's why I'm here.
To drag you kicking and screaming
into the harsh light of day
until you finally accept the truth.
Your image is something
you'll never have power over.
Show any face you want,
but know I'll expose them all.
There's no hiding from me.
"The inevitable death of"
I got the granola you like.
And the pistachio milk.
Did you know this is made
in Fort Greene?
You didn't have to do that.
I know you're still reeling
from the other night.
And while I can't condone
how you two handled yourselves,
I can't imagine how shocking
it must have been finding out
Monet invited your dad.
Actually, that was
the most believable thing
that happened that night, lol.
I assume this means war?
I'm gonna try something more radical
letting it go.
Please impart this newfound wisdom
onto your sister,
who's miraculously still asleep.
- I'll go check
- Oh, um, I'll go get her.
I think I'd like a bagel, actually.
Bread on a weekday? You have changed!
I'll get one going.
Mm.
Mm.
Good morning.
Up late again?
Finishing a paper on Catch-22.
Ever since Christmas it's like
you're your old self again.
Even better, am I right?
What do you think about cooking tonight?
We could each do a course?
Yeah, yeah, I'm in.
Me too.
By the way, Sis,
did you notice you're
all over the socials today?
Monet! What the fuck?
Did you invite my dad?
Why would you do that?
You ruined it.
Like you ruined everything.
Stop!
Oh, I'm actually not that hungry.
That's the second day in a row.
Maybe she already ate?
You're still not dressed?
No. I'm not going.
Look, why don't you
just move in, all right?
Your tutor can move in too.
We can all be homeschooled together.
In our free period, we can, uh
Why don't you wanna go? Julien?
No, of course not. No, it's
Everyone.
You know, they're just
I mean, did you even read about
what happened last weekend?
And that's not even, like, bad
from where they're concerned.
Yeah, I don't think
you give them enough credit.
A lot of introspection seemed
to be happening over New Year's.
Maybe they've changed. Give it a day?
Tomorrow is a day.
My driver's downstairs.
How about we pick up Audrey
and Aki on the way?
Find out whose house they're at?
Okay.
Sam Francis sketch was a gift
from your mother, correct?
A gift to me, before we were married.
- Okay, another one for you.
- Is that a dig?
Not a dig. Just an observation.
Maxy? Honey, could you do me a favor
and grab me a water?
You don't wanna hear this next bit.
I'm gonna have to pretend
to put up a fight
for pops's Nick Brandts
so that he'll let me keep the Haring.
Yeah, sure.
- Hey!
- Audrey,
Aki, Obie, what a nice surprise.
And you are
Grace Byron. My pronouns are she/her.
- And yours?
- Ah, fuck.
He/him, and thank you for asking.
Thank you so much for having us.
So, she ambushed us
on our way to come get you.
Looks like you had a rough night.
Yeah. Yeah, well, you said
to keep up the appearance
I'm single, so I'm keeping it up.
Which probably means
I won't be able to free you later.
Well, better than the word getting out
that you're suddenly celibate.
That would raise too many alarms.
We have some mutual friends, right?
- Do we?
- Iris Lefferts?
You're kidding.
I'm dead serious.
Iris Lefferts and my mother
are in the DAR together!
The what?
Uh, Daughters of the American
Revolution, it's
Words you probably
shouldn't say anymore?
- It's an organization.
- For rich WASPs. Like Congress.
Um, remember when I told you
they were meeting people
to redesign Gramercy Park?
Well, I was trying to find a way in.
Grace's mom's friend is on the board.
- Uh, Iris is notoriously
- Particular?
She warms up once you get to know her,
but let me put in a good word!
Forward me your proposal?
Well, thank you.
Otto, you found yourself
a good one here.
Yeah.
"Gossip Girl's meteoric rise was fueled
by its unflinching finger
on the pulse of high society,
but she appears to have flatlined.
The tell-all source told us nothing
about the biggest showdown
since Nicki v. Cardi.
"Has GG left the scene,
or has the scene left her?"
I miss one scuffle and it's over?
All good things must come
to an end, right?
And surprisingly, without a
suspension or a subpoena!
But you're not really
buying this, right?
I mean, it's nothing.
It's The Spectator,
for God's sake. The amount
of tips I got this week alone
You accomplished what you set out to do!
Julien is a kinder, gentler,
albeit disgraced young woman
who is off social media
and considering college.
What else do you want?
Once GG gets footage
of Camille admitting
that she bribed Burton,
talk about front page news.
It'll make The Spectator
look like a Substack.
Do you really think that Motorcycle Mike
will give it to you?
Even if he does, the second it's on GG,
he'll know how it got there.
And why was he even in the room?
Maybe he's a spy for Pfizer
in some sort of intricate game
- of corporate espionage? Or
- Or I could just ask him.
Hey!
- So, uh, about the other night
- Let me guess.
You want a cut of the blackmail money?
- Depends on how much it is.
- Look, that sabbatical I took?
It was 'cause I reached a breaking point
with the corruption here.
I'd hoped post-Covid
it would've subsided, but no,
I I can still get a table
at Lilia at a moment's notice.
Hmm. The true New York superpower.
Yeah, granted to me by supervillains.
Someone needs to hold
these people accountable
before we're all bought and paid for.
You might be the first person
who could actually
take out Camille de Haan.
She's just a victim
of a systemic disease
that's been plaguing
these schools for years.
What we heard the other night,
not even a tip of the iceberg.
So, why not send it in to Gossip Girl
- and Titanic her ass?
- Well, from what I've read,
Gossip Girl is more
the Titanic these days.
Well, I believe so fully in your
mission statement, and I want in.
Thanks, but I'd hate for you to
get caught up in this and get fired.
I trust you'll keep this between us?
- You won't tell Gossip Girl?
- Mm, of course not!
Keller.
I starred a bunch
of people who tapped you
who I think you'd like.
Also I realized you were incognito mode,
so I switched your settings.
It's because I'm exhausted.
Can we please not do this anymore?
You said you understood we need time.
Yeah. Also, it's not just about us.
See, my mom, she's up
for this big design job at J Crew.
So, a scandal could overshadow that.
Yeah, and my mom's throwing
a big Welcome-to-New-York party
for former Princess Mako,
and I don't want that
- to be overshadowed either.
- Yeah.
Look, just pick three
that you like, okay?
If you're too tired to chat them up,
then I'd be more than happy
to do so on your behalf.
You know, I'm so glad to see
you guys all so happy together.
Wasn't really sure how things were left
after New Year's, you know.
- You and Max are
- Uh, no
Yeah.
That was kinda just for fun.
Yeah, and it wasn't even that fun.
- Right. Yeah.
- Seriously.
Oh, my God, look,
it's Julien with paparazzi?
Will you take me with you, please?
One day, you promised.
I'll be here to pick you up
after school like a mom.
I know.
And now something else
to talk about with my analyst!
Bye.
Julien, come on, give us a little smile.
Good, babe.
Beautiful. Come on, Julien.
Right the Yes, right there, okay.
Right, I love that look. Yes!
Oh, thank God you're here.
They followed me onto the M86!
I don't know that equation.
The bus, Luna.
They were outside Zoya's house
and now they're still here!
It's because you're trending again,
from Discord to Douyin.
Who knew what everyone wanted
was to see a bunch of rich girls
in white dresses tear each other apart
like it was the next Ari Aster movie?
That's the last thing
I want to be known for.
Mm, second to last.
Let me remind you, this is good.
Your dad may have been there,
but he's not on here.
You're on your way to being you again.
Maybe infamous this time
instead of famous,
but that's so much better.
The Spectator called.
They're doing a spread
for their Sunday magazine
on the world's most influential teens,
and they're hoping
I can sway you to be the center.
Well, what does that entail?
You basically host a luxe dinner party
for six of your besties for
them to shoot and write about.
If you don't do it,
they're gonna call Monet, Jules.
It's you or her.
Stop trying to pit us
against each other!
There's no versus, there's no war.
What happened at the deb ball
blew up in her face.
She's probably somewhere
with her tail between her legs.
Kate right?
- Hi.
- Uh
Ms. Keller. Uh, since when do you two
Complete strangers to us.
Are you students here?
Pippa Sykes.
- And Bianca Br
- Transfer students, as of today.
Um, so the teachers' entrance
is just gonna be around the back.
That hasn't been enforced
since the 1940s.
And again today.
- I'm not a teacher.
- Your hair is.
And your clothes.
In ten years, you're gonna
be digging through the racks
at Screaming Mimi's
praying you find all of this.
In ten years my EA might.
Vintage on 14th street?
If I wasn't intermittent fasting, I'd
literally be throwing up in my mouth.
Intermittent fasting is just
a rebranded eating disorder!
Ever had a 300-dollar heirloom carrot?
- Can't say that I have.
- Well, you're in luck.
Dan Barber is making room for us
at the Blue Hill upstate,
so there's a seat at that farm-to-table
with your name on it. You in?
Um
Yeah. My dad says we should have fun.
Ooh.
On the grid, I see?
Still pent-up after leaving me high
and very dry last night?
If you're not into this,
just tell me. I can take it.
Rex, I told you, anticipation
Is only worth it in the end?
This bottom is free first period
and so are you.
That was last year. Maybe another time.
What's going on?
"New rules, or new school, up to you."
What fresh hell is this?
Oh, she's gone full Chairman Mao-net!
And on real paper, not an email!
Bonus points, but still terrifying.
Nope, exactly what I need.
Monet wants to take
Constance pre-me, good.
Maybe it will remind Mike
that the apple doesn't fall far
from the tree.
Greetings, followers.
It's a new day, a new dawn,
a new life, and I'm feeling greedy.
So many tips coming my way,
you'd think it was last semester.
Though Max Wolfe looks like
he's on the prowl,
it appears he's on pause.
Everyone he dates, he ducks out on.
What of Zoya Lott, caught sneaking
into her apartment
the third day in a row?
Where has she been sleeping,
and who with?
Oh, I really hope Dad doesn't see this.
I warned you about doormen.
But does it even matter anymore?
A new era may soon be upon us,
with Attila de Haan at the helm.
A play for back doors,
dress codes, and hierarchies.
This revolution will be live-streamed.
Uh! I'm sorry, you're not on the list.
- Uh
- Let her pass.
A formal dress code?
Assigned seating on the steps
and imported minions? Is this your way
of trying to make Constance
a caste system?
Back when you “mattered,”
- this school had no hierarchy.
- Which is a good thing.
Until it led to anarchy like Zoya and
Gossip Girl.
You know, people crave order.
That's what I deliver.
You were soft, benevolent.
Switzerland. I'm North Korea.
Though it may be the size
of a postage stamp,
the whole world shudders
when it does so much as speak.
The peasants
of Constance falling into line
is only the beginning.
Next, legions of followers,
all bowing down to me.
This war you tried to start
is between me and you.
- Don't take it out on everyone.
- No. They love it.
It gives them purpose,
rewards their potential,
and it provides someone
to aspire to. Hmm.
And after my piece in The Spectator
where I am named
one of the world's
most influential whatevers,
everyone
will be under my influence.
What's funny?
- They offered it to me first.
- Sure they did, bb.
Yeah, and I happily declined.
You be happy. I'll be powerful.
Just remember,
no adornments moving forward?
You're enough as you are.
Um, come.
I want that.
Oh, Cartier.
You're not in on this, right?
Hell no. My parents sent me here
to escape dictatorship.
People won't just fall in line.
Said every democracy before it fell.
Hey, Dad.
If you haven't been sleeping
at home, where have you been?
- Listen
- I know where you've been.
I can't believe
I thought you were better
than all these rich,
self-absorbed snobs.
What other kind of people
would let you stay over there
without checking with me first?
The kind that trust their kids.
You know, maybe if I thought
- that you trusted me
- Why would I? You'd lie.
You even lied about
where you were at New Year's.
- I called Shan's mom
- You called her?
And she said you were there
that night, too.
- Did you even go to Hudson?
- Dad, I
Prepare closing arguments at home.
You'll be there for a while
because you're grounded.
And I don't want Shan
coming over again, either.
Shan didn't even know
that I lied to you!
Be home within 30 minutes of last bell
or you won't be seeing daylight
again for the rest of the year.
No carrots for Zoya?
Why didn't you tell me
you hadn't told him?
I didn't want you to feel bad
when he said that I couldn't.
I was having so much fun,
I didn't want it to end.
And truthfully,
hanging out with your family
just reminded me
what things were like before.
When life was simpler and
my dad and I actually talked.
What's his beef with us anyways?
He hasn't even met my fam.
His beef is with anybody that can
easily afford a place in Manhattan.
And now I can't see you
for who knows how long.
You've been faking it this whole time?
Uh, I made out with them, I just
I just never made it into them.
What? With one person, fine, but three?
Even Gossip Girl knows something's up.
Yeah, look, I know you guys
are not ready,
and I'm sorry that GG caught on, okay?
But look, maybe this is more of a sign
that we should be ourselves.
Aki and I have been talking, and
honestly, this thing between us?
Why should it be anyone else's business?
I mean, my college counselor's
been going on non-stop
about avoiding scandal,
and the only way to do that
is to keep this between us.
W never come out?
What, am I to be trapped
in your closets forever?
No, thinking about this
as "in vs. out"
It feels so binary, dude.
Like, this is about us
not opening ourselves
up to public discourse and judgment.
Look, see, all we have to do
is one more thing
to get GG off our backs,
and we can be us again. Alone.
Let me guess. You have a plan?
Your dad's going
to a show tonight, right?
So, invite a group over
for a little romp
and circumstance,
and once they're in your bed,
we'll bust in, snap a photo,
and show GG that Max Wolfe
is still up to it,
three little pigs and all.
Just not us three.
- They got you too?
- Barricaded the front door
with freshmen
like it was a human Les Mis.
That's your “victim's” daughter.
Oh, Keller, thinking small.
I'm after a bigger fish.
The headmistress?
Who better?
You may be focused on Camille,
but I think the source
of a river is more interesting
than the tiny stream we stumbled upon.
When something's for sale,
there are multiple bidders.
Which is why I'm having dinner
with her tonight.
She likes me, I know opera.
After a couple bottles of Bordeaux,
she'll be singing an aria.
Or fifty.
You want more than just one name.
Or maybe I wanna see how much I cost.
That's one secret I'll never tell.
Um, okay, that's enough, handmaids.
My place at 7:00?
I need my arrival live streamed,
and no one knows my angles like you do.
Mistaking me for one of your minions?
No, just outsourcing.
You you and I were wasting our time
in those roles for too long.
It's time we see ourselves at the top.
There is no "we" in this.
This is all you, to do it this way.
Come on, Lune, okay?
You know I've always wanted
my own influence.
Julien just got there first.
And now that she's squandered hers,
it's my time.
And unlike Julien,
I want my subjects to quake in fear,
never forgetting who's in charge.
Hmm?
Oh, good, it's my first banishment!
Um, Pips, accidentally trip,
as you bring her to me,
so she skins her knees? Oh, my gosh!
Hey!
Monet actually expects people
to use tickets to enter
- the bathroom?
- It's a power move,
- it won't stick.
- Gossip Girl says different.
"Another January insurrection?
This Constance coup is brewing.
What's your role gonna be, JC?
Savior, or subordinate?"
- Down. Lower.
- Down. Down.
I mean, I know she has to be stopped,
but why does it have to be me?
Because you created her.
Years of inattentiveness
to her wants and desires
has made her your Brutus.
As my tío used to say,
"You cause the problem,
you fix the problem."
And there's an easy way to do it.
Sabotage The Spectator spread.
That would only incite her more.
Not if she can't prove it was you.
You do it from the inside,
making it silently fall apart,
like Neiman's, or Florence Pugh
and that old guy.
Monet'll look desperate trying to pin
the blame on you
with nothing to back it up,
and while she tries
to put out the fires,
you appear as the smoke clears.
Lady Liberty after a foggy morning.
Constant, reliable, strong as ever.
Hi, this is Luna La calling
for Zelda Wengrod?
Did you really think this would work?
Spotted.
Noble O in less than noble company.
Are you kidding me?
Is he playing for a
Are you kidding me?
Honestly, Roy, if this is about
the Le Sidaner again
No, it actually worked!
Grace Byron got me an audience
with the Gramercy Park gorgon
for tonight.
Well, I'm glad for you?
Yes, well, I need a little
Favor.
I don't understand. From me?
And there's a catch.
Let me guess.
She doesn't like queer people.
Historically speaking, no, she doesn't,
but she is willing to meet, so
- Maybe I was wrong.
- About what?
Tonight.
She turns out to be so much bigger
than I ever could have imagined.
This is ridiculous! You can't
hide from your life like this,
and you can't run from your friends.
It's not running if they're not chasing
or or even noticing.
I'm not following.
How do you feel about being a plus one?
- To what?
- Dinner tonight. You, me, your friends.
Let them remind you why you love them.
I'm still waiting for the catch?
Well, she thinks we're married.
- What's going on here?
- Uh, nothing.
It's not a big deal.
We could just pretend, right?
Like old times.
Like nothing happened?
What exactly are you telling me?
I need to have dinner
with Nancy fucking Reagan
and pretend like we're still together?
Or that maybe our life
is a little more conventional
than one of us is?
Shouldn't you be
on your way to Tarrytown?
- Change of plans.
- People do not do these things, Roy!
This is the real world,
not The Birdcage!
He says while clearly clutching
his pearls at this very moment?
Audrey, Aki, would you wanna
have dinner with Obie and me tonight?
At your house?
Sorry, did you miss the part
where my dad said
I can't see you or your family?
Just just two hours, Gideon.
I promise.
Two hours? That's it?
Just know I won't take no for an answer.
An answer to what now?
That dinner she requested
is at our house.
He just needs to see it
with his own eyes.
- See what?
- My taste?
It's three.
You think I have time to cook
and redecorate?
Dinner. You, us.
Me, my fam.
Which is why Gwen and Garrett
have invited the both of you
over tonight, and I told them
to tone down the whole rich thing
so he can see just how wrong he is.
The answer is yes!
Uh, anything for my boy Obes.
We just have an errand
at, like, six. Six?
Seven.
Seven, and then we're all yours.
Max, would you want to join?
- No, he's busy.
- He's busy.
Yeah, that.
- Do you have an appointment?
- We both do.
That Spectator spread's about
to get a whole lot bigger.
Why be influential alone
when you can be referential together?
I can't wait to see you shine, bitch!
Wait, what are you saying?
Get Nicky and get dressed.
Tonight, you're eating Barnes-to-table.
- That's right! I'm coming to dinner!
- See you there.
Julia Child once said
“The dinner hour is
a sacred time.”
But she didn't live in New York.
Hope you're hungry, followers,
because tonight, mayhem is on the menu,
and devastation is for dessert.
I left my boyfriend at home
for Victorian-era cosplay?
No good sex happens here.
Yeah, Wolfe, what's this about?
Since you all seem dissatisfied
by my previous performance,
perhaps a group activity
might do the trick?
Uh, we have the whole house
to ourselves and I will not stop
until you are all deeply,
fully satisfied.
But I am gonna course
it out, you know, like a
like a five-star meal.
Okay, my room is on the fourth floor.
That's strange. It's not locked.
Uh, Maxy must've forgotten
on his way out.
Get dinner going
and I'll make
everything less Oscar Wilde.
Oh Cunty Continental or Country Club?
If they serve it on Gilded Age,
we're good.
Okay.
Oh, Keith, I'm so sorry
to do this to you.
And together.
Of course she's late. They won't seat us
until the full party is here.
She better show.
She wouldn't wanna
sabotage this one, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
- It's good for her, too.
Pippa, I can feel you breathing
on my shoulder.
Swap with Bianca, hmm? Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Is there a problem? Are we early?
Okay, only one way to say it, I lied.
Burton is having dinner tonight.
Just not with us.
Uh
At least, not yet.
Hey!
Mr. Shubin. And Ms. Keller.
Did something happen at school?
I saw dinner on your calendar,
I thought I missed an email. Uh.
- It's not a faculty event?
- No, it's not.
- Huh.
- Darn it! Uh.
Well, I even brought
a rare Callas. Proch Variations!
Featuring two high F's!
You can put your coats in my bedroom.
- You sure?
- Up the stairs
- and off to the left, yeah.
- Okay.
- Thank you. So sorry.
- Thank you.
Oh. Door's just open?
I guess the butler has the night off.
Okay, you said you'd give them a chance.
I'm here, aren't I?
Hey, Mister L!
We don't shake hands in this house!
Oh, okay.
Mm.
Nick, right?
Sorry we're late. Delay on the two.
Uh. Love your coat. Where is it from?
Um. Men's Wearhouse.
Oh, and you brought wine,
how thoughtful.
The store recommended it.
Skin contact, I think.
Never seen this before. Seems fancy.
Well, I mean it is a special occasion,
our families finally meeting.
Come on in.
This is more boring
than a Wes Anderson movie.
And you reading all of Rimbaud
was bad enough.
Maybe I should go.
No, no, no. You just
You just need to get
into the spirit of the build-up.
I mean, the foreplay makes
the field play so much better.
And I wanna be here
the whole damn night.
Uh. No. What Uh. One kiss per item.
Iris, uh, welcome to our
Humble home.
Mr. Wolfe, nice to meet you.
Is this a, uh, shoes-off household?
It is n't.
Thank G-O-D.
Someone's disgusting
bare feet on your flooring
has never made sense to me.
This is nice.
Might as well be on the park.
But, of course, it isn't.
Not a fan of the wallpaper.
Mrs. Lefferts,
would you like a cocktail?
And you have staff! How wonderful.
Oh! Yes, please.
Dearie, gin,
neat and only Navy Strength.
It's a wig from when Annette Bening
made everyone come as her to her 60th.
Jules! You missed the sunset photo.
Oh, that's okay. I'll just get
them to Photoshop me in.
Hunter! I didn't know
you were going to be doing
this piece, it's so great to see you!
You look amazing. Who are you wearing?
Theophilio.
Um, I'm Monet, and Dolce. Vintage.
I'll make that note.
Are you ready to be seated?
The first course is about to begin.
Oh, yes. I am so excited to try
their flute course,
- I can't contain myself.
- Um. My paper was informed
that this was to be a vegan meal.
Vegan? No one here is vegan.
I'm sorry. It's already prepared.
- Follow me.
- Did you know
that meat production
is one of the biggest
- causes of climate change?
- No, I
definitely do not care.
Even just going vegan for lunch
can do so much.
You know, perhaps it's all these lights,
but suddenly the room feels
full of hot air.
I need food before I faint,
even if it's a vegetable, okay?
Come on.
This is a parents' night?
Donor dinner.
I saw a note in Burton's cal.
Well
Don't get all "you" about this
when we've cracked the inner circle.
I guess a dinner is better
than crouching in a closet.
And a hell of a lot nicer.
- What are you doing?
- It's FAO Schwarz
for rich spinsters.
This hand-painted wallpaper,
it's a thousand dollars a panel.
And this townhouse,
it's bought and paid for,
I checked. Seven mil.
I She probably makes, what?
No more than a couple hundred
grand a year, at most?
We know she's on the take.
Now, we just have to note down
everyone who shows up to pay.
I think I need a
I think I need a moment to catch
my breath.
You boy, do something
in the meantime I might like?
I'm very gay.
Then you should be better at it.
Enough stalling.
Either I'm sliding in you
or into GG's DMs
telling her you've gone ace.
What'll it be?
We'll just be one minute.
Okay, we'll wait here.
Yeah, we could probably
What?
Mr. Sachs? What are you doing here?
Uh. Max isn't home.
Of course he isn't. Gideon, is that you?
Oh, she's joking
because it's just been so long
- since we've
- Who is this random child?
These are our son's friends.
- I didn't know you had a son.
- Uh. Yes, we do and, uh,
he's at Andover. He's a
he's top of his class,
he he even rows crew.
Well, I'm I'm pretty sure
he's upstairs, not at Andover.
Oh, he means home for the weekend,
but he's out, Mr. Menzies,
- I promise you.
- Menzies. As in Roger Menzies?
He's my dad.
It is a pleasure to meet you!
Come and sit down.
Your father and my late husband
were once in business together
at the National Review!
Uh. Th this is not at all
what I expected,
- and I'm so glad!
- Ah!
You don't need to stay.
It's going to take more than
maitake to ruin this for her.
- Your first course.
- Don't worry, I've got this.
Now, for a candid conversation
with our guests of honors
and the topics of interest
that they provided.
Be warned. I give great banter.
Ms. De Haan, what are your thoughts
on Ukraine joining NATO?
Uh, there must be some mistake.
Um, the topics that I requested
were pop culture, celebrities,
"Why would you wear that?"
These are the topics my team received.
It says here that you
also wanted to discuss
"De Haan Pharmaceuticals'
controversial decision
to hike prices for their
patent-protected
Alzheimer's medication"?
- No, I that's um I
- Monet is very passionate
about making medication
accessible for all.
Remember, Monet? Freshman year,
she sold samples to any student
who wanted them for half price.
Julien's kidding.
Um. Why don't you ask her one of hers?
Julien, what are your thoughts
on life after cancellation?
- Ooh, cancellation.
- Um.
I think of it as a questioning,
not canceling.
Who are we
when we're at our lowest point
and what do we do with the wisdom
that we gain from being there?
- Maybe
- Uh, my turn, my turn.
Apparently, you have a “hot take”
to share on Israel building
settlements in Palestine's Area C?
Maybe Zoya will treat us to piano later?
She has quite the gift.
Piano? She took lessons
when she was younger.
But I didn't know you still played.
She's like Alicia Keys!
She's also a master at Dutch Blitz.
- And she's a killer at Uno.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I am.
All these things I'm learning
about my daughter.
I guess I should come here more often.
So, the Employment law.
It must keep you
pretty busy these days?
It pays the bills.
Dad, actually,
just recently got a promotion.
And not only was he able
to keep the apartment,
but he can now do some very much needed
renovations around the house.
It's nothing, it's nothing,
just touch-ups.
Uh, we've been wanting to do
some renos ourselves.
But we don't have the budget
for the scope of what we want.
I guess we're stuck for now.
Worse places to be stuck.
Of course. We're very lucky.
Where are the real glasses?
Yeah, does anybody wants
some more ranch?
I'll get it.
I need a break.
Come on. Is this edging or evading?
He clearly doesn't wanna do this.
Max,
- what's it gonna be?
- What? No! No, no, no. Uh. I
I am stalling because I may
or may not have ordered us
some molly!
Well, where the fuck is she then?
Young lady, it's not polite
to have your phone at dinner.
But A Audrey knows
we're a no-phones-at-the-table
household.
We're very traditional that way.
Traditions are like clichés,
they exist because there's proven value
- to them. Don't you agree?
- Oh. Yes.
That must be Max.
Down from Massachusetts.
Uh. Roy, tell Iris your inspired idea
about adding terraced
flower beds in the park.
Uh. Right, right. Well,
I would start with azaleas.
Azaleas!
And then throw them right out.
I'm just listing the things
I don't like first.
What are you two doing here?
We're just waiting for Aki
and Audrey. Um
- Why are you dressed like that?
- Gracie, is that you?
Ms. Lefferts, how are you?
How's the DAR?
Gran says you're headed down
- to Baltimore next week.
- Young lady,
you may not respect me,
but I sincerely hope
you respect our gracious hosts
and their rules!
You know what? I'll see if Rocky, uh,
can get us some more setups.
Everybody, uh, please come in
and take a seat.
That's the Newhouses.
God, who isn't at this party?
What what are you looking for?
Payments, but seems like
it's just gifts.
You can't really prove
anything that way.
Or
Oh, just a, uh,
stack of old love letters.
These are from Leonard Cohen
to Marianne Ihlen!
They were auctioned off for 800 grand!
Is someone in here?
Headmistress! This, uh,
is exactly what you think!
That's right. We are dating.
No, we're not.
- It was a cover.
- Well, we don't need a cover!
We know about the bribes, Vivian.
Yeah, we know that Camille de Haan
has been paying you
to improve Monet's grades.
And that everyone else here
is doing it too.
Oh, my God! Is she going to kill us?
Well, thank God.
My secret's finally out.
Excuse me?
Anyone for a refill?
I thought you never tried skin contact.
Uh. Yeah. This was just laying around,
it was a gift, I think.
Yeah.
A gift with a price still on it.
Is something wrong, Nick?
You know, Zoya said you
canceled dinner at Blue Hill for this.
So, just a little surprised
about the paper plates
with the wings and the pizza,
especially when you have
your china right there.
I thought I raised you
to not surround yourself
with anyone who thought less of you.
This is all my fault.
If we offended you, we are sorry,
but we definitely do not think
less of you.
Maybe you don't realize it,
but you definitely do.
Hey, what the hell are you saying?
- Babe
- No, we've only ever tried
to be supportive of your daughter.
She doesn't need your support.
She has mine.
Or had, before she started coming here.
Dad! What is wrong with you?
I know you're behind this.
If by “this” you mean you,
looking amazing,
and coming off great, then yeah, I am,
a hundred percent!
Okay, well, there's something
that you didn't know about,
so you couldn't screw it up.
And this thing is all
but going to get us on the cover.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
I got Solange to give us
an intimate concert
over dessert. She's right over there
behind that screen.
What?
I'm sorry. Hunter was called away,
and there was some miscommunication
with Solange's manager.
Someone told her the event was off?
But what about my spread?
I think it's best we regroup
and potentially try again next year?
One second. Um. Excuse me,
maybe there's something
that we can do, um
I knew there was still a queen in there.
And when word of what you did hits,
the world will know it's you.
This wasn't for the world.
This was for Monet,
to check her power trip.
And she can't pin it on me.
Okay, but I don't I mean
Spotted. Looks like when it came
to Queen D's big moment,
JC couldn't stand
to be just a spectator.
She decided to write her own headline.
And it was only one word, sabotage.
What the hell?
Aren't you just so glad
we've lived long enough to see the
Supreme Court come to its senses?
- You can't use your phone.
- You can't use your phone.
Um. Iris, uh,
I'd really like to reintroduce
native species to the park.
You know, maybe in an element
that's, uh, viewable from the street.
The public is on us
about more accessibility.
Well, I think we can all agree
that the city park
should be accessible to everyone.
Well, maybe not everyone.
I appreciate understated elegance.
Things that are not flashy
or attention-seeking.
A simple privet hedge, clean lines.
- Sure.
- Yes,
and none of the namby-pamby softness
that one sees everywhere these days.
You know, I worried
that I would see it here
but thankfully, I do not.
- I'll get it.
- No, let me. Please.
Hello. I'm letting myself in.
And I think
there's somebody here for Max.
Oh, my gosh! I can't wait to see
these gowns on you.
- Mom?
- Yeah, I'm coming,
I'm coming.
Knocked over my clogs, so clunky.
Oh, don't tell me
that you took them off.
Iris, this is my dearest friend Kiki
and she is a designer
and she's brought some
of her latest creations.
- Yes.
- Um, which have been inspired
- by
- Uh. The The park.
- The park.
- I love the park.
That's actually who I was texting,
I felt I wasn't properly dressed
for your company.
Where's Max?
Are the goods for this party?
- Oh, God.
- Oh, oh, my
Uh. Oh, you must be from Instacart
with the baking powder for Rocky.
Do you think I'm a rube?
It's obviously confectioners' sugar!
Enough of this time wasting.
Let me have molly and let's go!
You didn't tell me it was an orgy.
Of delights.
Where are your clothes, young lady?
Here, they're just right here.
'Cause I was bringing them
to her and her name is
- Valeria!
- Va Valeria.
Valeria! I've seen you at the ballet.
- Yeah, that's right.
- You are terrible.
- Valeria!
- Let's go.
We know when we're not wanted.
Speak for yourself,
this is a first for me.
No, no, no, no.
Guys! Guys! Guys! Please.
Why is everyone undressed?
Uh. Y Rowing team on the crew.
They They're working out
in our home gym.
This is what I was talking about.
I thought your dads were divorced.
Divorced?
Dinner is served.
I don't expect you to understand
but I felt like I had no choice.
They kept plying me with these things
and they made it very clear
that if I said no,
I would be removed.
So, I said yes.
And spent my life
in a constant state of fear
that I would be found out
as I just was.
But Jesus.
What a relief.
A relief
This is not my home
it's a gilded cage.
Report me.
Please.
I knew we shouldn't have come here.
Okay, why did you treat them like that?
Treat them?
Were we even at the same table?
Dad, they were just trying to be nice.
Playing poor isn't nice.
It's patronizing.
I was hoping to find out
why you've been lying to me,
but all I saw is what they think of us
and now, I understand it
even less. Where's your coat?
I'm not coming with you.
- I'm staying.
- No, you're not.
- Z!
- Everything okay?
Mone, I'm sure you're upset
with me. I get it.
But look, you just went too far.
I can't let you destroy the school.
I'm sorry.
Ew. What are you doing?
You're not supposed to apologize.
Excuse me?
You're supposed to fight back.
That was the plan.
And you did it.
The plan?
I put everything into place
so that you would come for me,
and you played into it perfectly.
While Pippa and Bianca
caught it on camera.
This was a setup?
I told you that I'd find a way
to start the war.
What better way than leaning
into the antiquated fetish
of pitting two women against each other?
I can't be Blair without a Serena.
Fuck the spread,
we're gonna make the cover.
- Push me in.
- I don't want a cover!
I want you to stop making
other people's lives miserable.
This isn't about other people.
This is about you losing to me
and not being able to stomach it.
So, you schemed and manipulated
to get your way.
You're doing exactly what I'm doing.
Hmm. I should know,
I learned it from you.
You're right. I'm a hypocrite.
But not anymore. I'm not doing this.
But what are you doing?
You can't walk away.
Did you see that? Julien pushed Monet!
Finally, we can start our party
Please. Roy is so passionate
about this opportunity.
And he just He wanted to make
the right impression.
I've gotten the right impression.
I don't stand for being tricked.
And how could I expect respect
from two men who
don't even value the promise
they made to one another?
Hmm, okay.
Uh. Well, with all due respect,
uh, my dads, married or not, are a model
of a supportive relationship.
My dad cares so much
about my pops that he was willing
to sacrifice his comfort
to appeal to someone like you.
That was the true deception tonight.
And you are an expert at, uh,
some kind of healthy relationship?
Max is an amazing boyfriend
who's willing to sacrifice
his own comfort
for the people he cares about, too.
Oh! I I'm confused,
whose whose boyfriend is he?
- He's mine.
- And mine. Both of us.
The moral decline in this house.
You know, the only moral decline
in this house is yours.
You know, I don't want
to have anything to do
with, um, "your park,"
if it means dealing
with small-minded bigots like you, Iris.
of what you think,
this is a sex-positive,
gender-fluid, flashy as fuck home.
And I won't let it be anything
less than that ever again.
Good night, Iris.
Well that was bleak.
Or a success. You got
all the evidence you need.
Are you going to send
the recording to the board?
Or, uh, if you want
to keep your hands clean,
- Gossip Girl?
- She's miserable.
And it isn't even her fault.
We'd just get her fired
for some replacement to come in,
do the same? Maybe worse?
I don't want that small victory.
I don't think you do either.
You don't have to do that, sweetheart.
No. It's the least I can do
after the show my dad just put on.
God, I mean, you open your home to him
and he just does nothing but judge you.
I I'm so sorry.
Your dad is hurt.
I mean, it's one thing to lie
about leaving a party
that you're supposed
- to be at, but to lie
- to spend time
with another family?
The type of family that he wasn't able
to provide you?
And Garrett and I, we
we really wanted to make
a good impression,
but your dad wasn't wrong.
We chose to present ourselves in a way
that we thought would make him
more comfortable,
instead of being ourselves.
We pushed him away.
Don't do the same.
I, uh, I'm sorry about all that.
No, it's us who should be sorry.
And I never want you to hide
who you are for someone else.
Especially if those people are us.
I know, there's just
There's so much uncertainty
about what this is, and maybe people,
or colleges, or who knows
who will be weird about it, but
But we said all for all
or none for none.
It's time we made good on that.
Do you want to tell GG, or should I?
Well
I knew you three were experimenting,
but I
I didn't expect a relationship.
How does it work?
Have you ever seen Bertolucci's
The Dreamers?
Oh, no, babe!
That does not help.
Maybe we should talk
about this on our way home.
Let's go.
Okay.
Something I've been wanting
to do all night.
There.
Yeah, that's
That's much better.
I'm sorry about the park.
Oh, I don't care about that park.
I should never have asked you
to do this.
It's okay. It was one night.
No, no, it wasn't. I've been asking you
to dim your light for a long time.
And you Gideon Wolfe,
are meant to shine at full wattage.
I should never have asked for it
to be any other way. Hey!
I'm sorry.
Wait.
Control is an illusion.
Although it might feel like
we have the power to effect change
I'm really sorry that you had
to witness all that last night.
Stop apologizing. I don't think
you understand how important
that dinner was for me to be a part of.
For you, they may be messy, but for me,
I saw what I've always wanted.
What's that?
Openness.
Your friends just lay everything out
on the table, no matter how complicated.
My family we stay quiet.
We don't go anywhere uncomfortable.
Your friends care
so much about each other.
About you. You can't just
leave that behind
because it's messy.
Embrace the mess, Obie,
because you're messy too.
The truth is, what we really need
is a guiding hand.
Looks like it's official.
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Fine. I'll beat you next time.
A strong, supportive hand to hold
as you march off into war.
What's going on?
Burton's been suspended
until further notice.
They launched an investigation
after the Gossip Girl post.
It's you.
You sent the post to Gossip Girl.
Why? We decided against it.
Burton's a hydra, you cut off one head
- and two more will appear.
- This isn't Greek mythology.
It's war.
Every war has collateral damage
and Burton has to be ours.
But war is never pretty.
And it's time to pick a side
Before any of you say anything,
I did not push Monet
in the fountain. What is it?
Oh, my God.
Did she really convince everyone
to follow her dress code?
What did I say?
Only whispers in this hall.
Anything above 30 decibels
and you're out.
Is she serious? We can't let her
- get away with this.
- I'd push her in the fountain.
- Or down the stairs.
- You unleashed a monster.
She's got too much power now.
She won't stop unless you stop her.
You need to do something,
Jules. It's time.
Because this war has only just begun.