Growing Pains s02e02 Episode Script

"One million students report back for first day of school.
" "Two million parents giggle hysterically with glee.
" I bet it's so quiet around here, you'll miss them by noon.
[HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLING.]
[SWISHING.]
New pants? I'm sick.
Well, you didn't seem so sick when you ate those three waffles.
Maybe I got ahold of some bad syrup? -You know what I think? -Yeah, I'm going to school.
All right, is this gonna be a great day or what? You're excited about the first day of school? Yes.
Ben, look at Mike.
Even he's anxious to get back to school.
Yeah, it's the beginning of my junior year.
You know what that means? It means I'm more mature now.
It means I'm more responsible.
It means that in less than two years I'm gonna be getting out of that dump.
Only a yo-yo would be excited about the first day of school.
Good morning, all.
Carol, your new outfit looks great.
It's not too -sexy? -Maybe for Bulgaria.
I think you look terrific.
Yeah, well, I just wanna begin on the right foot.
I mean, a new year.
-New challenges, new clothes, new friends.
-New zits.
[HORN HONKING.]
Mike, Carol, the bus.
-Bye, sweetie, bye.
-See you later, Mom.
-Hold it, Mike.
-What? -You're ready for school? -Yeah.
Your sister has her books, notebooks, paper, pencils, binders, course dividers-- Mom, Mom, I know where you're going here.
Carol's not the only one who's prepared for school.
I'm just not a fanatic.
Now, what have you done to prepare for school? All right, all right.
Tonight, there's a welcome back dance.
I have already got myself a date.
MAN [OVER PA.]
: Attention, Dewey High Hooters.
Hello? School is canceled.
Just kidding.
Now I have your attention, have all forms filled out and signed.
-Mike, Mikey? -Hey, Eddie, my man, how you doing? -Long time, no see.
-You're looking good.
[BONER CLEARS THROAT.]
Gentlemen.
-Boner, how you doing? -Mikey.
-Good to see you, my man.
-Hey, how you doing? Hey, what's that on your face? -This? A mustache.
-A mustache? -It wasn't there last week.
-I'm Italian.
No, no, it's drawn on.
Look.
It's not drawn, it's accented.
There's a lot, a jungle of hair.
Hey, Boner, what do your parents think about this? They ain't noticed yet.
[EDDIE LAUGHING.]
-Hi, Mike.
-Oh, hi, Elaine.
We meeting at the dance or are you picking me up? Come on, I'm a class dude.
I'm gonna pick you up.
-See you.
-Bye-bye.
Michael, Mikey, you're taking Elaine Dooley to the dance? Didn't I mention that to you guys? What, did she like lose a bet or something? You know, I have been working on that girl all summer long.
Laying down the basis for a deep and meaningful relationship that's built on trust, understanding and a mutual-- Whoa, who's that fox over there? -I got dibs on her.
-I got dibs on her.
-Hey, I said it first.
-Ohh.
You got Elaine.
If you'll excuse me, I have to meet this creature.
Hey, hey, I thought you had some deep personal relationship going here.
That's something else you learn, Eddie.
Relationships just don't always work out like you planned.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO.]
-Tough schedule, kid.
-Yeah, well, it's a brand-new year.
And I wanted it to be a challenge.
Get out of here.
-What'd you--? Right.
-Get? Uh-huh.
Algebra Two, Physics, Conversational Latin.
-Got the same-- -Schedule.
-Right, fifth year-- -Uh-huh.
In a row.
-Right.
-Uh-huh.
Oh, good.
Well, it's only 9:30.
Good things could still happen.
MAGGIE: This is it, Room 216.
This is a nicer classroom than you had last year, isn't it, Ben? Ben? Honey, is something wrong? No.
-No.
-Well, don't play around.
I wanna meet your teacher and I'm already late for work.
-Mark.
-Ben, you actually showed up.
-Is he here? -I haven't seen him.
-Hello, I'm Maggie Seaver, Ben's mother.
-Maggie Seaver? -You're Mike's mother.
-Yes.
Oh, Mrs.
Cutter, I didn't recognize you.
-But you remembered me.
-I remember Mike.
Is Louis Vasco in this class? -Louis Vasco? -Big kid.
-No.
-All right.
I don't know what's going on.
Ben's been hesitant about coming back to school-- He is a lot like Mike.
[MAGGIE CHUCKLES.]
-Boy, are you lucky.
-Are you kidding? I'm sorry he's not at this school.
This kid was ready.
-Honey, I'm leaving.
-Fine.
Are you all right? -Great.
-Well, good.
-Bye, honey, have a good day.
-Bye.
Ben, I just found out, Louis Vasco is at this school.
-What? -Yeah, he flunked.
And he's still mean.
He's gonna kill you, Ben.
LOUIS: Enjoy your summer, Seaverface.
It's gonna be your last one.
When we get back to school, you're dead meat.
Hear me? Dead meat.
Dead meat.
Dead meat.
[BELL RINGS.]
-Hey, what's the rush? -I got no time, all right? Oh, of course, you don't wanna be late for Biology on frog day.
-Eddie, Eddie, the blond.
-Again? Eye contact.
-Go.
-Yes.
It's only 11a.
m.
, there's still a chance for things to get better.
She's gone.
Oh, Carol, did you drop your books? Hey, I'm sorry.
Here, let me help, Carol.
Speaking of help, I need to know the name of the blond in your history class.
Well, there's Roger Froman.
No, Carol.
I mean the girls.
-Oh, Becky Zwarkin.
-Bucktooth Becky? The one who could eat corn on the cob through a knothole? No, Carol, this girl was a living dream.
She's new.
Well, I didn't see any new girl.
Just the same kids, face after face.
After face, after face, after face.
At this point I.
[KNOCKING ON LOCKER.]
BONER: Okay, joke's over.
Very funny too.
Ha, ha.
-Boner? -Hello, Mike.
-Bone, what are you doing in there? -Cheech locked me in.
I think he was jealous of my mustache.
-What a jerk.
-Got me out of History.
[BELL RINGS.]
We got Biology.
I can't miss two in a row.
MIKE: There she is, see you later.
-Who? Mike, I don't wanna go to Biology alone.
Cheech is there.
Ohh.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Bonjour, people.
I'm Coach Lubbock.
And I'll be covering French Three while Mademoiselle Goldstein is a little bit under the weather.
Grab a desk, monsieur.
Très bon, sport.
Okay, I believe today is a little review of French Two.
So, what I'm going to-- Speak.
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH.]
A-ha.
-Who are you? -Can anybody here translate that for us? -What's your name? -You.
GIRL 1: She said, "Ms.
Goldstein always conducts the class in French.
" Bon, very très bon.
What we'll do, we'll have this young lady stand up here and tell us what she did for her summer "vacation.
" -Come and télé vous them.
-Okay.
[GIRL 2 SPEAKING IN FRENCH.]
Give it to him.
-I'm sorry, but I just had to meet you.
-Shh! Not now, Mike.
You've heard of me? -Shh! Later.
-When? -Meet me at the dance tonight at 8.
-Okay, at the dance.
Okay, it's a date.
Wait, I don't even know your name.
Hey, buddy.
You talk French so good, you don't need this? French? You mean, this isn't Biology? Out.
Out.
Bonjour, monsieur.
Adios.
-Are you done? -Oui, oui.
No, no, you should have thought of that before class.
All right, Seaver, you have got yourself one hot date for the dance.
-Hi, Mike, see you tonight.
-Hey, you bet.
-I got a problem.
BONER: What kind of problem? MAN [ON TV.]
: Lift those legs, girls.
-I'm lifting.
-Tighten those thighs.
-I'm tightening.
Firm up that bottom.
-I'm still tightening.
-Very good.
Now the chest.
Let's make up for all those years of going braless, shall we? And one, and two [PHONE RINGS.]
and one, and two, and one, and two-- Hold that thought.
Hello? Yeah, this is Ben's father.
Well, that doesn't sound like Ben.
All right, I'll be right over.
Where did I leave my bra? -Carol, we saved your old-- Right.
-Seat.
Uh-huh.
Well, see, this is a new year.
And I thought that we've been together at lunch for so long new people would be good for us.
-Wow.
You're like-- -Dumping us? -Right.
-Uh-huh.
It wouldn't be the same, we've eaten together since the fifth grade.
-Fourth.
Uh-huh.
-Right.
And I don't deal well with major change.
I'll sit, I'll sit.
-Right.
-Uh-huh.
Wow, that must be great to find two women who will share you like that.
Boner, they don't know.
Don't be so stupid.
I'm stupid? You've got a date with two girls, and I'm stupid? I am stupid.
So who are you gonna cut loose, Mikey? Eddie, I'm gonna go over there, and I'm gonna talk to Elaine.
I'm gonna let her down very gently, very easily.
End with the dumperoo, right.
Watch me.
I'm not kidding, here he comes.
Elaine? -Oh, Mike, hi.
-Hi.
Could we talk for a minute? -Did you wanna sit? -No, no, I can't stay.
-So.
-What? -I should just tell you.
-About the dance? -Yeah, I-- -I'm so excited.
Wait until you see the new outfit I got.
You got a new outfit.
Yeah, and it's really hot.
I got it at Chadwick's Department Store.
Great store, you know.
Very liberal return policy.
Elaine-- All I've been able to think about all day is the dance.
What a coincidence.
-I found her, the dream girl, Room 204.
-Two-oh-four, thanks, great, Eddie.
Now, if I were you, I wouldn't dust the blond, I'd dump Elaine.
No, no, I'm not dusting the blond.
I'm just putting her on hold till next week, all right? Hey, Eddie, here, tell me, how does this sound like, okay? Hi.
Call me crazy, but this just can't wait.
You know, I think that we've got something really special here between us.
I don't wanna share that with a bunch of high school kids at a dance.
What do you say you and me go out instead next week? Just the two of us.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Look, call me crazy, but this just couldn't wait.
-I think we've got something-- ELAINE: Hi, Mike.
Hi, Elaine.
Something really special.
It could wait after all.
You can talk to him in here till recess ends.
Boy, when you're small, people don't even ask you if you want your parents called.
So I understand you wanna be transferred to another school.
-Well, this place is getting kind of old.
-Well, that would be difficult.
For you to go to another school, we've gotta move to another district.
-Is that a problem? -Yes.
I got it.
How about Hebrew school? How about you telling me why some kid wants to fight with you? -You heard? -Mm-hm.
See, there's this big mean kid, Louis Vasco.
Last year I wouldn't let him cheat off me.
Well, good for you.
He sent a message, Ben, this is so strange.
Well, he wouldn't meet me in the girls' bathroom.
No, I mean, this whole situation.
Would you believe the same thing happened to me? -Come on, Dad.
-You don't believe me? You're going to do like you always do and tell me some story of how you didn't run and you ended up being friends.
-No, I ran.
-What? I was 11 years old and I was trying out for this baseball team, the Oilers.
Well, it came right down to me or this other boy for the third base position, see.
Well, boy wasn't really right.
This kid was a gorilla.
They called him Killer.
-What'd you do? -I quit.
I didn't play baseball that whole year.
Anyway, I didn't see Killer again for 15 years.
And I saw him at a reunion.
He had a big beer belly.
All athletes end up with beer bellies.
And I was there with your mom.
-And Killer, whose real name was Ralph-- -Dad, what's your point? Well, the point is, he told me he was glad that I didn't fight him that day.
Why? Because he was just as afraid of me as I was of him.
-Big guys are afraid too? -Yes.
So you're saying I should face this guy like a man? That's right.
And if that doesn't work and he starts to hit you, then you run like the wind.
Excuse me, do you by chance have a date for tonight's dance? Pardon me, but I.
Hi.
Why won't anyone go to the dance--? Sorry, Carol, I thought you was just a regular girl.
[BELL RINGING.]
Two p.
m.
, and things are not getting better.
I give up.
I'm sorry.
I thought I'd try something new, but it didn't work.
-Tell me about it.
-Nothing ever changes for me.
Boner.
-I know exactly how you feel.
-Like dog drool.
I was expecting today to be different too.
I was stupid enough to even think I could get a date.
All I wanted was something new, something different.
Something unusual.
If I did agree to go to this dance with you, which I haven't.
Right, right, right.
-You'd have to agree to certain conditions.
-Anything.
No handholding.
No slow dancing, no fast dancing.
And if you agree to go, I don't even have to show up.
-Do I? -No.
Okay, you've got your date.
And you got something unusual.
Louis? LOUIS: Seaverface? -I hear you been looking for me.
-Yep.
So I'm here.
LOUIS: What's the matter? Afraid to come in? You're afraid to come out.
Louis? Hey, Dad was right.
All right, you little-- -You-- You grew.
-You didn't.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
I think that's my bus.
Whoa, Ben, he was actually afraid of you.
Yeah, well, Mark, everybody's a little bit afraid.
Even big guys like me.
Now, I don't wanna break Elaine's heart.
And I sure don't wanna upset the blond.
So it's out of my hands.
Now, the next girl that walks around the corner is history.
[EDDIE WHISTLING.]
-Boner, Boner.
-I know.
Get lost.
Mike, what happened? -Gym class, I misfired on a power squat.
-Oh, no.
Yeah, look, I have to see a doctor tonight.
-So the dance is out.
-Yeah, I'm really sorry, Elaine.
But I promise we'll go out just as soon as I'm whole.
-I hope you understand.
-Of course I do.
-Is there anything I can do to help? -No.
I'd rather not have you see me like this, okay? -Okay, take care.
-You too, bye-bye.
Hi.
-You.
-Me.
Look, I'm a class dude and I don't wanna meet my date at the dance.
So, what do you say I pick you up? Date? We don't have a date.
Yes, we do.
For the dance tonight.
No, I just said I'd see you there.
Oh, wait a minute, I get it.
Found someone you like better and dumped me.
Oh, no, I could never do something like that.
Could you? No, no, don't change the subject here.
-Mike, you misunderstood.
-Misunderstood, are you--? -You have any idea what I gave up for you? -I didn't ask you to give anything up.
I'll tell you what.
I gave up Elaine Dooley for a date with you.
Mike, I couldn't date you.
I don't even trust you.
Look, before you mistrust me, I suggest you get to know me.
I do know you, Mike.
-From where? -You remember the class picnic last year? No, you weren't there.
I would have remembered you.
I can prove I was there.
You did that really funny impression of Bucktooth Becky Zwarkin, remember? Pass the corn, please.
Very funny.
Becky? You have had quite a summer.
And you have had quite a fall.
-Hi, guys.
-Hi.
BEN: Hi.
So, Jason, were you lonely today? [GIGGLING.]
And, Ben, what did you learn your first day back? I learned that Hebrew school is not the answer.
I'll explain later.
So, Carol, was today everything you hoped it would be? Well, it started out a little shaky, but it ended up okay.
Oh, good.
-I even have a date for the dance.
-Great.
And the best part is, I don't even have to go.
[MIKE SIGHS.]
-Mike, you're late, where have you been? -Mom, I've been doing some thinking.
Girls have feelings just like regular people.
Uh-huh.
Mom, I think I have learned more today than I have in my entire educational career.
Oh, that's great, Mike.
So you have good teachers? Uh, maybe.
I'll find out tomorrow when I go to class.
Jason.
JASON: Mike, 7:00 comes early.
Let's go, pal.
MIKE: All right.
MAGGIE: Carol, honey, school in the morning.
CAROL: All right! MAGGIE: Ben, you're long overdue.
Lights out now.
BEN: No way.
I'm afraid of the dark.
JASON: You know, Ben, this is interesting.
When I was your age, I too was-- Ben? BEN: Forget it, Dad.
I love the dark.