Hamish Macbeth (1995) s02e02 Episode Script

Come on, Jock.
Daft dog.
What have you got there, Jock?
- Last house on your left.
- Thanks very much.
- Hi, Deidre.
- Hello, Hamish.
I thought you were the Major.
Go away in.
I'm just about to throttle a hen.
There's a lovely view of the bay there.
That's great.
So you'll be here for the walking?
- I thought I'd give it a try.
- Mm.
Will you be staying long, Mr?
Robb. I'm sorry. I don't know yet.
That's all right. Just let me know.
A "G"Now, that would be
for George, would it?
Gavin.
- Is that Lochdubh Island out there?
- Yes. Yes, it is.
Aha. It'll be the bird-watching
as well, will it?
Maybe.
So is he late back?
Och, no, I don't think he's overdue.
He's only been gone three weeks.
Three weeks is a long time
for a fishing trip, even for your brother.
Aye, Rose is a good boat.
I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.
Rose
- That was the name of his wife, eh?
- Aye.
She passed on about oh,
four years now.
Mm.
Anyway, the thing is I really should
report this to the coastguard.
- It was a bad storm the other night.
- Och, there's no need to worry yourself.
He lost a couple of life belts last year.
- Did he?
- It's probably one of them.
Och, well, you're probably right but if
you hear anything, you let me know, OK?
- Where was that storm
from the other night, John?
- Oh, a nor'wester.
Oh, a real stinker it was too.
Is her Ladyship away, then?
Away for a walk.
Inspiration.
Northwest
Was that right? Did you say
you saw a flare over by the island?
Well, I couldn't be sure
one way or the other.
Anyway, there's nobody
missing, is there?
- Well, Murdo Meiklejohn maybe.
- Murdo
I think I'll take a look up there
in the morning.
How are you going to get over there?
Cadge a lift with Barney
in the Fat Chance.
Oh, I don't think that's a very good idea.
Why?
Well, I hear the wildlife trips are
very popular. There might not be room.
Ach, away, I heard the exact opposite.
Oh, well, you know best.
Day's work never done, eh, John?
Aye. Bin men come tomorrow.
What would we do without you?
U-A, Barney.
What's that?
Guaranteed, U-A. Not A-U.
Aye, right. Fine.
You weren't guaranteeing anything
last week.
Ah, but this is
a marketing concept, you know?
- Oh, yes?
- Done this course in Inverness.
The Maximisation
Of Consumer Expectation.
Oh, well, I think I'll have a ticket
for your inaugural cruise, then.
I can't wait to see
these guaranteed eagles and whales.
Must be good copy in that, eh, Lachie?
Aye. Must be.
What's up wi' her?
If you don't know that,
you're dafter than you look.
- It's you lot's the matter with her.
- I never touched her.
Lachie, you are dafter than you look.
Barney, I need a word.
Hi, Isobel. I was just looking for Flora.
- She just popped out.
- Oh.
Any idea how long she'll be?
No. Can I help?
No Well, she didn't leave
a package for me by any chance?
Erm I don't know. I'll have a look.
Is this it?
Yes.
Oh, isn't it sweet?
Thanks.
Bye.
I tried to put him off
but he was determined.
- You should have tried harder.
- You don't know the problem Hamish.
I was just telling Barney that you wanted
to go on the trip in the morning.
If you don't mind, Barney.
I'm concerned about Murdo Meiklejohn.
- I heard you found the life belt
- Keep him out of trouble while I'm away.
I'm going to Glasgow to be a godmother.
Can I help you?
- Thank you. I'll have a pint of your best.
- Sure.
- What do you think?
- Very nice.
I think the minister might be
a bit shocked though.
You're so conventional.
I know. It's a class thing.
Why don't you come?
You know? Say hello to the baby.
There's loads of people
would love to meet you.
- It's just no' my cup of tea, babe.
What is your cup of tea?
Morning.
Fine morning for bird-watching.
You'll be looking for
the lesser-spotted siver diver, no doubt?
Yes.
Mr Robb, you're an early bird.
Gavin, please.
Full breakfast. I have a lovely spot of
bacon, sausage, egg, black pudding
Sounds delicious, Mrs Murray,
but I'm away off out.
I'm sure your other gentleman's
in for a treat though. I'll see you later.
Yes. Bye, then, Gavin.
If he's a bird-watcher,
I'm a monkey's auntie.
Och, away.
Speaking of birds
could you go
some poached eggs, Mr Campbell?
What?
Eggs,
nice, slow,
three-minute
poached eggs.
- Three minutes?
That would be grand.
- Bye. See you tonight.
- Bye.
- That's Alex away, then, is it?
- Aye.
Did she make you up a piece?
John, Alex and I's relationship is based
on, like, mutual respect, not catering.
I thought so. Here you are.
- Oh, John.
- There's a bit of tongue in there.
- And there's a flask of tea and
- Aye, aye, aye.
And there's a couple
of Jammie Dodgers there as well.
- Barney!
- Yes!
It's arrived.
Ach, well, not to worry.
Bad news?
A bill.
Aye, I know, it'll be a balaclava
and pinning my scarf at the back next.
- Paucity drives work to sea.
- Excuse me. Make way
for your captain, please.
Go ahead, Torquil, ask your question.
Are you sure we're going to see whales?
That's what the sign says, pal,
guaranteed.
You'll see whales.
There. Now, let's have a look at this.
- Gently does it. Step down.
- Thank you.
There you are, sonny.
Right.
- Hello there, Agnes.
- Hello, Hamish.
- Ham and tongue.
- Right, thanks.
- Be back about five, Agnes, OK?
- Right.
Oh, gently does it, now.
Easy. There we are.
Did you know that an adult blue whale
has seven-litre testicles?
I confess to have been ignorant
of that up until now.
And its penis is nine foot long.
Nobody we know.
- Oh, come on, Barney.
No, no, no, it's something we covered
on the course in Inverness.
Audio-visual ambience.
Tourists love it.
Some day we're going to do something
in this country because we love it.
Hang on, Barney!
Barney!
Oh, damn.
Let's have a look at this.
Right.
Be with you in a minute, Kate.
I also do a nice home-cured ham.
And some soup from the stock.
I bake my own bread too.
Sounds great.
How, er How long's the boat trip?
Er all day. Why?
I thought I might give it a try next week.
Planning on staying
a while, then, are you?
I hope so, yes.
Good.
- We'll just get you round the headland
then it's full steam ahead
to Lochdubh Island,
land of sea, sand and mystery.
- Sounds lovely.
- Over there, to our left, you can
see the world-famous Lochdubh light.
Built in 1882, its guiding light
is a torch of comfort
to all in peril on the storm-tossed seas.
As you can see, bird life abounds
in the fecund waters off Lochdubh.
Here is a colony of our local shags.
There, over to your left, a majestic eagle.
Looks like a buzzard.
No, it's not a buzzard.
It's an eagle.
We haven't seen many whales yet.
For God's sake.
Is it a minke you're expecting?
No, it's not a minke.
Just don't you go dangling your feet
in the water, sonny, in case
A killer
Right.
Is that not Lachie Jr over there?
So it is.
Looks like he's needing some help.
Ach, he'll be fine.
Well, he disnae look fine.
Well, I can't stop now.
I've got passengers.
- We'll see you on the way back!
Sorry. There's some beautiful walks
up round by the headland.
Go round there yourself, do you?
Used to. Don't get
a chance much these days.
No? That's a shame.
Listen, maybe you could take me round
there some time. Show me the sights.
- Me?
- If you're not too busy, that is.
- When's your day off?
- 29th of February.
You know, that's the best plate
of soup I've ever tasted.
Wait till you see
my sticky toffee pudding.
There we are, some lovely grey seals.
They aren't grey.
Of course they're grey.
You can see they're grey.
They're common.
What?
Everyone knows that common seals
are grey and rare
and that grey seals
are black and common.
- Really?
I'll have to remember that next time.
And they aren't whales either.
- You'll see whales.
- When?
About half three, actually.
Excuse me.
I'm a vegan. Have you no salad?
No? And you call yourself
a conservationist?
Over there.
What?
Well, the life belt ended up over there.
There's a six-knot tide
runs through there.
Could have come from anywhere.
Ach, well.
I suppose if old Miss Meiklejohn's
no' bothered
Tongue?
No thanks, I think
I'll stick to the, er tongue.
Didnae fancy a trip to Glasgow, then?
Polite conversation, suit and tie,
chattering about babies, no thanks.
Alex getting broody, yeah?
No. No, no way. Are you joking?
Fair enough. Fair enough.
Tell me was it like
a conscious decision?
What?
Well, like yourself and Agnes
no' having any kids.
Conscious decision?
To tell you the truth, Hamish,
me and Agnes have been trying
to start a family for years.
It's from the hospital.
It's me.
I'm firing blanks.
Agnes is no spring chicken.
I don't mind telling you, Hamish,
that things are a tad rocky
between us at the moment.
- Ach, you'll be fine.
- I'm no' fine.
I'm scared she'll leave me.
Oh, Barney, man,
Agnes is one of the best.
There's more to life
than having kids, surely.
Try telling her that.
You ever thought of adoption?
Oi, mister, when are we gonna
see these whales?
Maybe no'.
So when Barney got his redundancy
money, we sold up and came here.
- That's incredible.
- Mm.
I know this sounds stupid but I've got
a feeling I've met you somewhere before.
- Have you ever been
- No. No, I don't think so.
I'll see you later.
- Excuse me, Agnes.
- Hiya.
Yes!
Thanks.
What are we stopping for?
This is whale country.
Look! Look! Look there.
A killer whale.
- Isn't it fantastic?
- Look at the size of its fin.
- Always makes me
feel that wee bit humble.
Oh, no.
Look. It's diving.
- It's diving.
- What?
Barney
So this is why you didn't want me here.
Just get the motor started.
Is that a trick you teached it, mister?
It's caught on something!
Well done, Lachie, you big ape
I'll kill him.
I'll kill him.
You should be ashamed of yourself,
involved in defrauding children.
- Yeah, I know.
- I never claimed it was a real whale.
My daddy's a QC.
I thought he might be.
In my opinion, we have
a prima facie case against you.
For fraud.
Listen, kid, you've got
your money back. Beat it.
Barney, I'm all for giving the tourists
what they want the same as the next man
but please, gonnae no embarrass me
Damn it! I'm just trying to make a living.
TV John involved in this, yeah?
Aye, he helped me rig it up.
I cannae hack the tourists, Hamish.
Do you think they'll sue?
- Hamish.
- What?
The punters, will they sue?
What do I know about the law?
I'm just a polis.
Right, I'm on the phone
to that course in Inverness.
- For what?
- I want a refund.
So you tell Lachie Jr
I'm after his hide.
As for that winch
you conned me into hiring
- It was a perfectly good winch.
- Lager, Barney.
Hamish.
Anyway, for the money you were paying,
what else can you expect?
- Pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
- Hold on a minute, John.
You deliberately went away
without me, Barney.
Good evening to you too, Isobel.
Oh and as for you,
there's a Mrs Lucinda McLorg
and her son Torquil been at me
about police corruption
and fraudulent whales.
Anything to say, PC Macbeth?
I'll take that as a no comment, then.
- Can I get anyone a drink?
I'll have a pint of
your best, please, Agnes.
Isobel, look, it's a storm in a teacup.
Well, it's a damn good storm in a teacup.
I cannot believe you.
Why can't you give the man a break?
I'm away to see Mrs McLorg.
She's talking interim interdicts.
Yeah, well, the best of luck.
There's nothing wrong with that winch.
Something else must have gone wrong.
Talk about winching
Barney! Was there not something
the pulley could have got caught on?
What?
No, I sunk it at low tide.
Maybe we should go for a wee look at it.
Not tonight we don't.
Barney, I'd advise you to give the whales
a rest for the time being.
With a bit of luck,
this is all gonnae blow over.
I'll see you later. OK. Bye.
Right you are.
- Staying at Esme's, I hear.
Aye.
Nice, quiet, wee place Lochdubh, eh?
Uh-huh.
I'd like to keep it that way.
- Have a good day?
- Yeah, great.
Jane's looking wonderful
and little Alice, she's a darling.
Aye.
Aye. Oh, hey, Alex. Erm
You're not, er
Well, I mean I know that, you know,
women sometimes feel a bit
Right, you know how when their pals
start having babies and stuff?
Hamish Macbeth, do I detect
a man who's getting broody?
No. Cor
No. I was, er I was just saying.
If it ever happens,
Hamish, I'll stand by you.
That's what I wanted to know.
Agnes?
Mm.
Have you seen
the vet's number anywhere?
- The beasts are acting mighty queer.
- Oh, aye.
They're chucking that hay down
like there's no tomorrow.
They shouldn't be hungry.
I fed them wi' the cattle cake last night.
What cattle cake?
- Right, clutch, boy, clutch.
Watch yourself.
Watch this corner.
Watch yourself.
Hello? Hamish?
Oh, coming.
For heaven's sake.
Is Hamish about?
Hamish?
Has somebody died?
Will you shut up?
Come on in. Come on.
Here, boy.
Mm.
Don't need forensic in Inverness for that.
Well, congratulations, Lachie.
There's no many young people would
hand this kind of thing over to the police.
So it'll be drug squad, eh?
- Customs and Excise.
- Special branch.
- The place will be swarming
- No need to panic. Look at it.
It's a quarter ounce of Moroccan hash.
It's hardly the bust of the decade.
- Is this all that's left?
- I'm afraid so.
But I've got a byre
full of very happy heifers.
- And it just floated up?
- Aye, just offshore, Hamish.
I think the rope got snagged
on something and it floated up
Aye, but could be a drop.
A what?
A drop. I mean, this stuff could have
been smuggled up from Spain, or Africa
and it's dumped underwater
and left there.
And where there's a drop,
there's a pick-up.
That's very true.
Mr Robb?
Gavin?
Agnes?
We're gonna have to talk about this. I
- Hi, Esme.
- You haven't seen that nice young man?
- No, why?
- Mysterious disappearance.
Walked out on Esme's breakfast.
I had him down as a chanty-wrastler.
Is this you in for
your breakfast too, Rory?
I just popped in, aye.
Anything strike you as unusual
about this guy?
No. No. He was charming.
He asked about the island
and Barney's boat.
- He asked me
about the boat as well.
- What's up, Hamish?
- Classified information.
He's a drug smuggler.
He's got a big drop planned.
- Calm, boy.
- What kind of drop?
- You havenae see Agnes on your travels?
- No.
- What's all this, carol singing?
- It's a drugs stakeout.
Hamish and I are going
to see what's going on.
- So are we.
- Me too.
- I'm your man.
- I'll get my
Whoa, whoa, stop right there.
None of you are comin' wi' me, OK?
- Did you switch off the gas, Esme?
I can't remember if you left the oven on.
Did you?
We'll go along the beach.
The view of the island is fantastic.
Lead on.
- Seeing as how you're here,
you might as well help.
- Barney, you got a knife there?
- I'll get it.
Here, boy.
- Now, make a loop, boy.
- Mm-hm.
Get the end of the rope,
kid on it's a rabbit.
It goes out the hole, round a tree,
back down the hole again.
Pull tight.
Plonker.
Any joy, Hamish?
No, nothing.
Aye, well, there's only
one thing for it, then.
Oi, you, be careful down there.
- Are you happy, Agnes?
- Happy? What's happy?
You know, happy.
Happy comes in wee bits.
I'm happy when a pie turns out right.
Happy when the VAT balances
at the end of the quarter.
Are you happy?
No. No, I'm not.
I'm scared stiff.
What have you got to be scared about?
I'm sorry. I'm making
such a mess of this.
I wanted it to be so perfect.
There's something I have to tell you.
- Something I have to say.
- Sh
It was John Wayne, I'm telling you, and
a big squid came up and strangled him.
Mm. Jeanette MacDonald as well.
It was at the Barbary Coast.
No, no, that was Edward G Robinson
and Miriam Hopkins.
I remember, great big tentacles it had.
Grabbed Wayne's helmet.
Excuse me, do you mind?
There was that bit in The Abyss, where
the boy came up and died of the bends.
- Aye and his whole body
literally exploded.
- What was it he said again?
- I'll kill him.
I'll kill him!
No, I don't think it was that, Barney.
Dad!
- Barney! Barney!
- I'll kill him!
- Barney!
- I'll kill him! Get off!
- Barney!
- I'll kill him!
Come on, Barney.
I'll kill him! I'll kill him!
- Stay right there! Stay right there, you
- Barney?
-John, hold on to him!
- Don't you move!
- John, where is he?
- I know your game!
- Hamish!
- Where is he?
Hamish! Hamish!
Alex, I can't swim.
You swine! She's mine, do you hear?
Mine! And I'll knock the head off any man
that comes near her.
- Look, it's no' what it seems.
- Put your jooks up!
- Stop it, Barney, stop it.
- I'm no' stopping.
I saw you in that red dress
and I thought, "What a stoater."
- Barney.
- You're worth fighting for, Agnes!
And no toy boy, fancy pants man
is gonna take you away from me.
Go on, put your jooks up!
You wee toerag,
think you can walk into my
- I'm going to ram his head that far
- He's not my toy boy.
He's my son.
My son.
What?
I had him when I was 16.
I was just a kid myself.
They made me give him away.
You never said. How'd you never say?
I couldn't. I wanted to but I couldn't.
I'm sorry, Barney.
I'm really sorry.
All the years
All they tests, you knew it was me!
Aye.
Then why
I love you, Barney.
I wanted
hoped
I wanted you to keep your dignity.
Oh, God.
Help me!
Somebody!
Help me!
- Hamish!
- It's Alex.
I can't find him!
- Don't just stand there! Come on!
- Oh, my God!
Lachie, my boy!
- He's gone! I can't find him!
There's bubbles over there on the right!
Quiet! Quiet!
- Hamish!
- Listen, listen, quiet.
Over there!
- Hamish! Hamish!
- Hamish!
Did we win?
People do terrible things
when they're desperate.
He couldn't let the boat be repossessed.
It was his last link with Rose.
How many trips had he done?
Just one.
The stupid, stupid man.
All that distance
and he sinks off Lochdubh.
- Has he put on weight?
- Come on, keep that end up, boy.
- Hang on.
Watch my fingers.
- Steady, now.
- Easy, easy.
That's us, then, Miss Meiklejohn.
Let him go, boys. Send him a-home.
Thank you, Hamish,
for keeping this quiet.
Mind you, it's a hell of
a waste of good cattle cake.