Happily Divorced (2011) s02e02 Episode Script

Happily divorced was filmed in front of a live audience.
- Oh, miss Fran! - Yeah? Do you want me to put some flowers in the den since you invited Mr.
Peter's brother to stay here? How did you hear about that? Well, your voice, it carries.
It was a text! Honestly, Cesar, you've really got to start minding your own business.
Oh, when is the brother landing again? Oh, sweetie, 've got the nicest surprise for you! Guess who's coming into town for the L.
A.
car show.
Your brother! What? What? Matthew is here? Yeah! And I told him he could stay in the den.
What? Why? Well, because this thing is shot and the Springs are terrible.
It's not fit for a human being to sleep on this couch.
Where should I put your head? Matthew, my brother, is coming here? Now? - Yeah.
- But but, uh We're not We're not gonna be here.
What? Why? Because we're going to, uh, the, uh Springs.
What Springs? The Springs.
The palm Springs.
We're going to, uh We're going to We're going to see follies.
- It's closing night! - With, uh, Lloyd Bridges.
Lloyd Bridges is dead.
We missed his closing night.
Now, why don't you want to see your brother? Fran, that's ridiculous.
Why wouldn't I want to see my own brother? Don't answer it! Franny Fran there may be one little, little thing that I neglected to tell him and - Matthew! - Franny! Aw, hey, girl! - Petey! - Hey, Matty.
Oh, my God, is it possible that you've gotten even more beautiful? Oh! Am I lucky to still be married to this smoking hot chick or what? she was certain that he was her one and only but their union always seemed a little forced she got married anyway turns out that he was gay they're still in love but now she's happily divorced what is wrong with you? Hey, come on, babe.
You can't expect me to keep my hands off you when you're walking around here in that sexy Roberto Cavalli top.
Or whatever brand it is.
I don't know designers.
Peter! Hey, Matt, why don't you put your stuff in the den? Yeah.
You look different there, petey.
What's going on? You been going to the gym? No, why would I do that? Who needs a six-pack? I got a wife! Peter, I cannot believe you haven't told your brother that you're gay! Shh! I will, I will.
I just I mean, I've been really busy.
Busy? You took a week alphabetizing your CDs! "Is it chorus line or a chorus line?" How long does it take to tell your brother "I am gay!" Aah! Matt! Matt! Why don't you take a shower? We'll shoot some hoops! Straights don't shower first.
Eww.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute here.
How could he not know? Didn't your parents tell him? Oh, my God.
You didn't tell your parents? We're We're not talkers.
How could you keep something like that inside? I get an ingrown toenail and I have to tweet about it! Franny, just pretend.
Pretend we're marrie while he's here, please? - No! - Please? No, I will not lie for you! Oh, come on! I lie for you all the time! - When? - Well, remember I lied to the pilot of that prop plane in Hawaii about your weight.
Oh, please.
I put my life on the line! There were children on that plane! Little children! We're talking about you and your brother.
And by the way, that samoan kid sitting next to me was no 90 pounds! Franny, you just don't understand.
You're not a guy.
You don't have a brother.
I mean, growing up, everything is a competition! Actually, there was no competition.
He won every time! The one time I outdid him was when I married you! Well He had a wife too.
That didn't last.
And come on, you cannot compare her to you.
Well She was pretty too.
Franny, I'm begging you, please, just give me a little bit of time.
Oh, okay.
But you realize you're gonna have to tell him by tonight, because when he sees you sleeping out on this couch it's going to raise a big rainbow flag.
Yeah, I know, definitely.
- Tonight, maybe even sooner.
- Good.
Hey, who here buys out & proud? Oh, you found my magazine! Thank you, papi.
Next time you tell me to get my big fat ears off the window, maybe you'll think twice, huh? Hey, Matty, look.
It's your old nova.
Boy, I had some good times in that car.
Oh, please.
It took him forever to pick up how to drive a stick.
Ah, well, he's got the hang of it now.
Matty, look.
- It's your wedding.
- Oh.
Oh, look at the four of us at your wedding.
Why didn't things work out with you and Danielle? I really enjoyeder.
Yeah Everyone enjoyed her.
I gotta tell you, it's tough starting over again.
Oh, trust me, Matty, you're not gonna be on the meat market long.
You're a great guy.
Aww, you're sweet And a great cook.
This is delicious.
What did you put in this? There's a hint of ginger in.
That is the secret, right, Fran? Yeah, Peter, that's the secret.
You're a lucky man, petey.
And you know what? You owe it all to me.
- You? - Yes! If I hadn't have bailed on that Bon Jovi concert and asked you to take Fran for me, you two would never have even met.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah, well4 I introduced you to Danielle.
Oops, my bad.
Oh, my God! Look at this! The county fair! Remember that? I beat petey in a hot dog eating contest.
He beat you in a hot dog eating contest? Maybe it's time that you challenged him to a rematch.
And on that note, I'm going to bed.
I'm sure you guys have a lot to catch up on, and your brother has a lot to tell you.
- Not really.
- Yeah, you do.
Good night, honey! Ve ya! - She loves me too.
- Yep.
You know, I'm gonna stay up and watch a game, but, uh, if you want to go in there I'll turn the sound up.
Ah, no, I can tap that any time.
- I never get to see you.
- All right, cool.
- Want to watch a game? - Sure, let's find a game.
Ah, family feud's on.
Get out.
- Have a fight? - Yeah.
- What about? - I'm gay.
Thank you.
Yes, I'm upset.
I am.
Not that you're gay, but That you didn't tell me.
I mean, come on, man.
What did you think it would change? It didn't change anything between you and Fran.
Well, I could think of one thing.
You know, I don't know why I'm so surprised.
Nobody in our family ev talks.
It's true.
We're not talkers.
That is so sad.
What's wrong with you people? I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, Matty, I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you.
If I had told you sooner, maybe it wouldn't have been so much of a shock.
Actually, petey It kind of wasn't.
There were a few, uh, telltale signs.
Like what? Well, he was the only five-year-old I knew who made egg-white omelets.
A lot of kids cook.
Yeah, not so many garnish.
And you know, when we were growing up, he used to lay clothes out for the next day.
So what? For mom.
So wait now.
How does this work here? He's gay, you're divorced, and you're still sharing this house? Yep, living the dream! So what happens if you both bring dates home on the same night? I'll let you know when that happens.
You know, I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Good, sweetie.
Fran, thank you for forcing me to be honest with Matt.
It feels great! And, Matt, you're right, I do owe you! If you'd had gone to that concert instead of me, I never would have met this incredible woman, and who knows what would have happened? - Yeah, who knows? - Who knows? He asked you out on a date? - Mm-hmm.
- Are you crazy? You can't go out with your husband's brother.
You'll have babies with extra feet.
Ma, we're not blood relation.
Moses married his wife's sister.
Oh, sure.
He's Moses.
He knew people.
If everything in the Bible were true, all your mother's friends would be pillars of salt.
How the hell does that Angela Lansbury run so fast? You're sitting on the fast-forward button, daddy.
Judi, talk to her.
Tell her there's nothing wrong with me going out with Matthew.
I don't see anything wrong with it.
I dated my sister's husband for a little while.
Oh? When did they get separated? They're talking about it now.
And, ma, look at it this way.
Matthew asked me out first.
Maybe it's fate.
Maybe he's the brother that I was supposed to have married.
Yeah, but your husband showed up instead, and you married him.
That's fate.
No, that's why I'm gonna end up dying alone.
Listen, franny, you want to know if you should go out with him? - Yeah.
- Let's go down my checklist.
- Okay.
- Does he have a job? Yes.
That's the list! He's in.
It's a sin.
You will be cursed.
All of your kids will have the same face, like the Osmonds.
What the hell am I watching here? I've never seen a prison like this.
Listen, franny, I don't see the big dilemma here.
I mean, it seems like you already made up your mind.
Yeah, but what about poor Peter? Well, that's the dilemma.
Peter and his brother have this weird competition going, I ended up being the grand prize.
Hey, everybody.
And there he is.
You want to go out with his brother? Ask your husband! Fine! Uh, Peter You don't care if I go out on a date with Matthew, do you? What? You know, since things are cool between the two of you? It's okay, right? Absolutely.
- You're sure? - Yeah.
Look, we're divorced.
You're a single woman.
Have fun.
You see? It's fine.
Glen, are you gonna let your daughter do this? Tell her what you think.
I think you'd have to be an idiot not to be able to escape from this prison.
The guards are showering with the inmates! Oh, I can't believe it's taken us I know! I mean, I ask you out, Peter takes my place, you marry him, then he says he's gay.
I mean, come on, you can't write this stuff.
Not unless you're Stephen king.
Well, I'm betting this story has a happy ending.
Mmm I remember the first time I saw you.
- You do? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I was visiting Peter up at campus, and it was It was really, really late and you were ming out of the library.
Oh, I remember those all-nighters at the library, desperately seeking somebody to write my term paper.
Oh, no bread for me, thank you.
Wait wait a minute.
Those are Hawaiian sweet rolls.
You love those.
Oh, you know me so well! I don't have to pretend to be a woman who's sickened by carbs.
Load me up.
Thank you.
Thank oh, hey, excuse me.
Bring some marinara for dipping when you get a chance, will ya? This was so meant to be.
You know what I'm thinking? - What? - I'm thinking, "I have never waited so many years to kiss a girl.
" Mmm.
What's stopping you now? - Hello, Fran.
- Hi, Chad.
Did you remember to bring a new credit card? Because last time, both of them were declined.
I got it covered, Chad.
Just tell us what the specials are, please.
Who's this? This isn't Peter.
Well, not that it's any of your business, but this happens to be my date.
Hey.
Matthew Lovett.
Lovett? That's your last name.
Well, it's not like we're related.
He's my brother-in-law.
There's nothing embarrassing about dating family.
My mother married a relative! - Get out of here.
- No, really! And look at me.
I look good.
No, get out of here.
Now, where were we? I'd say Right about here.
Mmm.
Wow.
Wow.
That was better than I imagined.
Wow.
Well, well, well.
Look who finally stumbled in in the middle of the night.
It's 8:45.
You two have a nice time? Actually, we have a fantastic time.
Hey, buddy, I gotta tell you, their cheesecake? Not as good as yours.
Oh, well, then you should have taken mine.
It would have gone nicely with the wife you took.
Whoa.
What is that suppose to mean? Wait, Fran said you were cool about you're going out with me.
Yeah.
Her going with you? Yes.
You asking her? No.
Oh, come on, you're kidding, right? Does this seem like I'm kidding? Actually, yeah.
Oh, come on, petey! You don't want to do that.
Oh, Peter, where's all this machismo coming from? I guess somewhere, deep down inside me, I still have a straight guy in me.
Well, lucky you.
At least one of us does.
A brother does not do this to his brother.
The minute you found out that fran and I weren't together, you couldn't wait to swoop in there and snatch her up! Snatch her up? Wait a minute wait, wait.
Let's just remember one thing here.
Let's remember I met her first.
But I got her, and you can't stand it! You can't stand that I got the one thing that was better than anything you ever had! You know, he keeps saying that, but I thought Danielle was pretty-ish.
Peter, will you stop with the stupid competition, all right? I asked Fran out because I like her, all right? And she's got the right to go out with whoever she wants.
Look, I don't blame her.
She's desperate.
She's not getting any younger.
- Huh? - Then why don't you get out of her way? What if I'm her last chance? Hey! Look, I would think you'd be happy that two people you love found a real connection.
Uh, Matthew You know, not so much.
What? Yeah, that kiss, it was weird.
I mean, not horrible weird, just kind of Hillbilly weird.
You're You're kidding, right? Uh no.
Maybe I did overreact.
Well, you happy now? You finally beat me.
- Matty, it's not a competition.
- Yeah.
Well, my loss.
My win! Good on you, bro.
Good night, everybody.
Good night, Matthew.
I feel bad for him.
Me too.
It must be really hard to I'm a better kisser? Yes, and you're better in bed too.
Yes! Wh what? I'm kidding! I'm sorry if I made you feel bad by going out with the lesser kisser.
I think I got it in my head that I thought maybe I married the wrong brother.
- You did? - But I didn't.
I'm sure fate has some reason for putting us together.
And, eventually, I'll figure out what the hell that is.
- Good-night, sweetie.
- Good-night, honey.
Get out.