Harlem (2021) s02e02 Episode Script
If You Can't Say Anything Nice...
1
[funky hip-hop music]
♪
[singer] Like that,
like that, like that ♪
[singer] Two peas in a pod ♪♪
Wow.
Wow.
You're staying in New York.
I'm staying in New York.
I'm staying in New York.
Wow.
II, um
Hmm.
OK, that is just the excited
best news ever reaction
that I was hoping for.
No, no, it's just, I mean,
you know, you worked so hard.
No, look, Chicago can wait.
Come on.
You and us is more important
to me than Chicago.
I don't want
to be responsible
for a big life thing.
Ouch.
Wait, uh, was I thinking
that we were becoming serious
all on my own?
No, it's just I think
you know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, what I know is
I came to tell my girlfriend
I want to be with her and
her response was,
"Don't do me any favors."
That's not how I meant it.
Camille, I'll make it
a simple yes or no.
Do you want me to stay?
Message received.
♪
Quinn!
Family time
is officially in session.
Gets out here.
I got some Italian cookies
that give you gas.
I went and got me
some Funyuns 'cause, bitch,
I'm hot and spicy.
Come on!
Oh, my God, Angie.
OK, Isabela is sleeping.
Girl, you look cute.
Thank you.
But can you
please keep it down?
She'll be all right.
Half the fun of
having random sex
is when I get
to gesture and talk loudly
about my latest
sexual exploits.
And you laugh,
clutch your pearls,
and ask me questions
that a woman your age
should already know
the answer to.
Just like we do.
Oh, but if home girl
is still here,
then that means your first
lesbian bump and grind
was bountiful.
So you first, Quinnie.
IOK.
[laughter]
Tell me.
OK, OK, OK.
So first, I did not know
that the human tongue
could be so versatile.
Ooh.
She was licking it all
over the place, huh?
Ooh, sister, ooh.
Once I relaxed,
the sex was the best
that I've ever experienced.
Oh, best?
Girl, I had more
than one orgasm.
OK, to you losing
your lady virginity
and joining
the multiple orgasm club.
You're late as hell,
but you made it.
Thank you.
Mm. Mm. Mm.
Oh, my God.
Shawn, he texted earlier asking
if his son left this here.
Poor, sweet Shawn.
I do not want
to hurt his feelings,
but I think I need to end it.
Slow down.
Why not have your cake
and eat cock too?
No, I know I said I wanted
to give Shawn a try,
and I really, really
felt like I wanted to,
but I just never
expected to have
these feelings for Isabela.
Ang, I feel ready, committed.
Exactly how many orgasms
did she give you?
I lost count after eight.
Uh, maybe I need
to date her too.
[laughter]
Damn.
Just do not get
too ahead of yourself.,
or next thing you know
you'll be telling me
that she's moving in
and I need to go.
Oh, girl, we are
not even there yet.
Yet?
Your turn.
How was sex with the most
beautiful man in New York?
Girl, perfection.
Then I met his roommate,
even better.
Round three was
his even sexier cousin.
I'm hoping to run into
all of their daddies next.
And by run,
I mean with my vagina.
[laughter]
Girl, this is my lucky year.
I can feel it, girl.
Where's my invite
to the slumber party?
- Oh, no.
- You guys are mad loud.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry we woke you.
What are we talking about?
- Um.
- Oh, you know, family stuff.
Actually,
we were just wrapping up.
Weren't we, Angie?
So why don't you and I
go back to bed,
and I will see you tomorrow.
Yep.
Kind of getting late.
I should probably head home.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Angie will be quiet.
Right?
[Isabela]
It's not Angie.
I just have so many meetings
with the run up
to the election, and I need
to be up at the crack
of dawn, so
Oh, well that's good
because I love dawn,
and I love cracks even more.
[Isabela] Keep grabbing
my ass like that,
- watch what's going to happen.
- Yes.
- But only for a little longer.
- OK, that's fine.
- I really need to go.
- Bye, bitch.
My days are numbered.
Good or bad?
Hero or villain?
As anthropologists,
we know that that answer
depends on whose lens
we're looking through.
Take Pancho Villa,
a heroic legend
of the Mexican Revolution.
Or if you were in charge,
a deadly revolutionary
who had to be stopped.
History is full
of this kind of dichotomy.
I want you to give me
500 words
on from how
one cultural perspective
one is a hero,
and from another, a villain.
Class dismissed.
Hey, excuse me,
Dr. Parks, I got a question
- about today's lecture.
- Ian.
What are you doing here?
Snuck in a little late
while you were
still looking up at the screen.
- Um, so how-how are you?
- I'm all right.
But look, I took some time just
to get my thoughts together
and just figure out
what I'm doing, and I'm just
I'm just ready for this.
You know, I'm ready for you,
and I'm just ready for us.
So am I.
[singer] I'll be there
on your all darkest nights ♪
When you feel like no one
really needs you ♪
If you tell me
what's been on your mind ♪
So then her mother
starts just yelling,
like screaming at the top
of her lungs at my mother
because she won't
talk sense into me,
like I'm not a grown man.
Oh, wow.
Camille's apartment.
This is surreal.
I never thought
I'd be back here.
Yeah, you are here.
Wow.
Um, can I get you something?
Uh
I have some yogurt
and some butter.
Oh, this is
expired yogurt,
which I think is how
you make butter.
And a little rosé left.
Uh, yay to the rosé,
no to the yogurt butter.
Yay to the rosé.
I was hoping maybe
we could just chat?
Yeah.
Yes.
Thanks.
Hey, you're welcome.
[both chuckle]
It feels good to finally be
past all the chaos, you know?
Yeah.
I mean, things are finally
good with my parents.
No restraining order
needed from Mira.
[awkward laughter]
That would have been bad.
How about you?
How was the talk
with, uh, Jason?
Oh, Jameson.
Sure.
I mean, how did he
take the breakup?
He actually kind of
broke up with me first.
He said that he
was going to give up
a job opportunity in Chicago
to stay here with me.
And I was like, "Whoa, don't
give up your life for me."
And then it just
kind of exploded.
And he got so mad and left.
So that's how that went.
And then?
And then what?
So, I mean, come on.
How did he take the news about
us getting back together?
Well, I mean,
it kind of seemed
weird to just, you know,
chase him down the street
and be like, "Oh, I know
you just kind of dumped me,
"but just to make you
extra mad, me and my ex kissed
and now
we're back together."
It would, except it
wasn't that simple.
I called off
an entire wedding for you.
- For me?
- Yeah.
So now you're saying
this is all my fault?
Well, who the hell
else showed up and said
we have to be together?
Yeah, and you said
the same thing.
Why are you making me sound
like a homewrecker
and you just were passively
along for the ride?
I was getting married
the next day.
And you didn't
think about that?
About maybe Mira
not being the one
maybe the moment before that?
Or it was just right
up until that second
when evil Camille came,
and other than that,
you would have
been married today?
What the fuck, Camille?
What the fuck, Ian?
You cannot put this all on me.
You made choices too.
You know what?
I'm going to make
another choice.
I'm going to talk to you later.
Ian?
Wait.
Are you serious?
[upbeat music]
[Camille] I expected Jameson
to be pissed at me.
But Ian?
I mean, when did I
become the bad guy?
You're not.
Things are just
a bit messy right now.
Yeah, but you know what
they say,
the way that a relationship
starts is how it ends.
Um, if that were
true, Genuine and I
would have ended up back in
a bathroom on Snoop's tour bus.
Girl, I was riding that pony.
Yeah.
Right this way.
Oh, and speaking
of getting lucky,
remember when tinfoil dude
said my luck would change
if I fucked the pedicure guy?
I don't remember him
being that specific.
Which is why I fucked
the roommate to be safe.
Point is, I figured,
why not test my new luck?
So I bought a scratcher.
I won a free ticket.
Traded it in,
won another free ticket.
Traded that in, free ticket.
- I am on my fifth free ticket.
- Wow.
She's a millionaire.
Yeah, actually leave that
because our friend's coming.
Where is Quinn?
Probably somewhere buying
a new dresser for Isabela
or getting their names
embroidered on a towel.
I'm telling you, Quinn is ready
to move her in and me out.
That seems very, very fast.
You know Quinn.
Somebody smiles at her,
and she's planning
their 25th anniversary party.
Plus, you know the joke.
What does a lesbian
bring on the second date?
A U-Haul.
See?
See?
It's like Quinn's sexuality
and her relationship thirst
have finally aligned.
Yeah, but it seems
like the whole U-Haul thing
is rather simplistic.
And honestly, it's kind of
offensive and certainly
not true for you, Tye.
Because I rarely
want a second date.
But I'm trying to be better
and more open
to something real.
Just in time for me to not even
be able to get a first date.
I ran into
that hot girl Carla earlier.
- Oh, my bad.
- Excuse me.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
- Carla, what's up?
- Uh
What's-what's up?
I mean, I thought
we had a vibe.
Why haven't you texted me back?
So I can be one more woman
with a sad, angry tale
of how you fucked them over?
Wait.
What you mean one more?
Who have you been talking to?
The internet, boo.
Oh, your bullshit is well
documented on SheBToxic.com.
She dotdot what?
SheBToxic.com.
Look at this shit.
[Camille]
SheBToxic.com.
What is this?
Some shitty website
where bitter people go
and put their dates on blast.
I'm all over it.
Scroll down to the one
that says Trashy Tye.
"Total trash.
She fucked the waitress during
our dinner date at the table."
Come on.
They can't just keep printing
lies like this.
Lies, right?
They're true, but still.
This can't get out.
I mean, especially
now that I'm trying
to have a real adult date.
Nobody will take me seriously.
And if Brandon's lawyer
gets a hold of this,
it will further prove
what a bad spouse I was.
Have you talked
to Brandon at all?
Radio silence.
But my lawyer thinks that
we should request a meeting.
Fuck that shit.
Why would I be chasing
somebody to take my money?
OK, I know that's right.
You know what?
I doubt his lawyers could use
anything from this wack site
that nobody probably
even looks
oh, my God.
"Professor Parks
can't be trusted.
"She gets what she wants
and then she ghosts you.
Also, she's pretty."
Aw.
"But broke as fuck."
[together]
Ooh.
I guess Jameson
really is pissed.
Jameson doesn't know
I'm broke as fuck.
He wouldn't write that, right?
He wouldn't do that.
He wouldn't do
do you think he would do that?
- Maybe Mira?
- Or Ian.
No, not Ian.
He's definitely not posting.
He can't even figure out email.
Damn, Milly, you got more
haters than an Android user
in a group chat.
But fear not,
my good sis,
I'm going to go down
to that office and I'm going
to get my shit taken down.
And I'll get
your shit handled too.
Hey, that's a friend.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I surprised Isabela
this morning
- with breakfast at her office.
- Oh. Hmm.
So you ate already.
Why didn't you
just bring her?
I didn't want
to cut into couple time.
[Camille]
Oh.
And now you're cutting
into friend time.
Sorry.
So apparently on the internet,
I am broke as fuck.
[Quinn]
What?
You are the last thing
that is broke as fuck.
Angie's broke as fuck.
Oh, no,
Angie won five tickets.
[laughter]
She's a bitch.
Luck be a motherfucking lady.
Eight times the charm.
- You won another ticket?
- Mm-hmm.
That's what's up.
This is my season, boo.
I found $2 on the subway,
and the natural deodorant
is working today.
The lady who ran
my mammogram this a.m.,
she wasn't slanging, squeezing,
and pressing my boobs
like I stole her man
or something.
She was gentle.
I felt loved.
Mammogram?
Mad young,
but it runs in my family.
Early detection,
and I do not play.
- Now golden ticket, please.
- Got you.
- Thank you.
- Here.
- Quarter.
- Thank you.
- All right, let's see it.
- Oh, I feel it.
This is the one.
I'm going to win
some actual cash.
Oh, there is a $500.
- There I go.
- That's a good start.
Come on.
- And another $500.
- Let's go.
Let's go.
That's all?
That's adamn.
It was good while
it lasted, right?
It's supposed to be
my lucky year.
I guess my luck is over.
Ow, shit.
Damn.
Ow.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Funyuns.
[tender music]
♪
[singer] Girl, I know
it ain't been easy ♪
I'm Marcus.
Hi.
[rolls R]
Marcus.
Sorry, I had to.
I'm Angie.
I want to show you something
almost as beautiful as you.
Impossible, but I would love
to see you try.
Oh.
Oh.
Damn.
Oh, holy shit.
I just had
my first real estate orgasm.
That garden is all yours?
[laughs]
Yes, it sure is.
The groceries are put away.
I'm coming down.
This is just impossible.
Four stories,
the skyline,
a rooftop barbecue,
the gym and theater.
I could live in one
of your big ass laundry rooms
and be good.
Can I live
in your laundry room?
[chuckles]
Don't take this
the wrong way,
but how the fuck
are you single?
I haven't found
the woman that could
actually handle all of me.
I have a lot to offer,
and I find that most women
get overwhelmed.
Not to be crass, but if you
think this house is big
[chuckles]
[chuckles]
See, normally that kind
of line makes me roll my eyes,
but in this room,
in this house it works.
It all works.
Well, maybe today
is my lucky day.
Oh, it sure as hell is mine.
You ready to go up
and grab that drink?
[chuckles]
Oh, my God.
Your hands are huge.
Stay tuned.
We are Sage and Sapphire.
And welcome, sisters,
to our poetry.
I open my legs.
The tread on this pussy
is legendary.
What is this?
I swear Celesbian magazine
said that this
was the go-to event of the week.
Celesbian magazine
needs to get out more.
Lick this clit till
the 30th of February
and eat my ass like
a motherfucking visionary.
[together]
Yeah!
- [Sage] End.
- There are no words.
Except let's and go.
[upbeat music]
♪
Ah, I make them,
you rake them, sis.
So your bad reviews
are just on that site forever?
Yup.
I've tried bribing.
I've tried threatening
the guy who runs it.
Nothing. It's like
that thing where the site
is not responsible
for its own contents.
Falsely yell fire in a theater,
you can get arrested.
Falsely yell anything online,
you're fine.
Wait, falsely? But, like,
weren't the posts true?
But, like, aren't you
missing the point?
But, like, can you
look at the board?
I am looking
at the stupid board.
- What led?
- [Angie] No, no, bitch.
See, this is why I don't like
playing with y'all,
'cause y'all be cheating.
You need to pay attention.
OK, so unless I ask Jameson
to take the ones down about me,
then I'm basically screwed too?
Basically.
[pounding on table]
What?
You just reneged.
Tye, how many times
do I have to tell you,
you must watch the board.
Come on and slide me over
three bucks, reneger.
Wait.
That's a little bit racist.
Can we please not talk
over the board?
Anyway, I've been
bingeing this site nonstop
trying to find
more posts about myself
and toxic Camille.
Sorry. Just kidding.
Kind of.
But I've come across
hundreds of posts
about this fuck girl Zoe.
I mean, her ability
to fuck and run,
she'slegendary
but in a bad way.
Mm, like Walt Disney.
So I'm getting
to review, like, 45,
where Zoe has another
tragic case
at the Hip Hop Sushi spot
on 134th.
I realized
she is perfect for me.
She's like a human cactus:
zero care needed.
So I'm going to Hip Hop Sushi
to track her ass down.
While I'm looking
for Mrs. Right,
I can still fuck
like Ms. Wrong.
And we both won't have
feelings about it.
Speaking of not feeling,
dope-ass-house Marcus and I
went out again
and we had sex.
[Quinn]
And?
[grunts]
Now, before we go
any further
- Mm-hmm.
- I got to warn you:
once I lay this pipe on you
Yeah.
Your life is forever changed.
Oh, wreck me, Marcus.
[both moan]
Oh, yeah.
Say my name, baby.
Say my name.
Marcus?
Uh, yeah.
Take it.
Take all of it.
Oh.
Oh.
Do I have any?
Oh, God.
Oh, Harlem skills!
[groaning]
♪
It was this small.
- [person 1] No!
- [person 2] No way.
Not an exaggeration.
So what were
the Harlem skills?
Drying out my pussy.
Oh, my God.
OK, but you didn't
say anything, right?
You didn't write a mean review
about him or anything
because you're a nice person
and because you were
worried about his feelings.
Angie is not a nice person.
Thank you.
Fuck his feelings.
What I care about is the house.
So we're going out again.
'Cause I need to have
my plan B in place
for when Quinn kicks me out
for Lady Isabela.
Oh, my gosh, Angie.
I'm not even
thinking about that.
When I moved in,
you said if you ever found
someone that I needed to go.
We also said that
you'd pay half the rent.
We also said that
I'd become less needy.
None of these things
have happened.
And I cannot take any chances.
I'll never find a real estate
opportunity like this again.
And I'll just get my orgasms
in his giant shower
with those jets hitting me
in all the right places.
See, everyone
has a promising future
except for me.
Still no word from Ian?
No, and I texted him last night
like I do after every argument
because his Scorpio ass
can't let anything go,
and he didn't write me back.
- He three dotted me.
- [gasps]
And it went on so long
that I took a screenshot.
Oh.
Absolutely not.
I hate getting three dotted.
I three dot sometimes.
On purpose.
To keep women guessing.
You think that maybe
you might have earned
your place on SheBToxic?
- Like I earned my place.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
That is different.
[Angie] You know Tye
is worse than you are.
- Bitch.
- Thank you. She's way worse.
Camille.
Can you promise me
that you're not
going to be pacing up and down
your apartment all night
tonight overthinking
all of this?
[singer]
Get a plug, get a charge ♪
Get a blunt, get a smoke ♪
You're the one that I want ♪
That I need like this song ♪
I get lost in my thoughts ♪
Damn, I lost
all my thoughts ♪
1, 2, 3, call.
[singer]
Like I told him get lost ♪
Fuck up off of my heart ♪
I don't really need
that can't sleep ♪
Kinda love ♪
Can't eat ♪
Please save me kinda love ♪
Don't want that, ooh ♪
- [sighs]
- [phone dings]
[singer] I want you ♪
I want that ♪
[door buzzes]
Shit.
His keys.
His keys.
Shit.
Shit.
[punchy music]
♪
[whispering] This way, Cam.
Cam, Cam, gonna work.
♪
Mm.
Oh.
I must have dozed off.
You never were
a good fake sleeper.
Here.
You, uh, left that at my place.
Ironically, it's
your dirty laundry.
Goodbye.
Hope you figure your shit out.
My shit?
I'm not the one writing,
"Professor Parks
can't be trusted.
She gets what she wants
and then she ghosts you."
I didn't write that.
What?
Hoo.
Sure could have.
Definitely wish I read this
before I called off Chicago.
I'm glad to know I'm not
the only guy
you've done this to.
Look, Jameson, I don't
don't want to turn into this.
Maybe-maybe the way I said it
was a-a miscommunication.
Camille, I'm not an idiot.
When you were suddenly repulsed
by the idea of my sharing
a city with you, I
I knew something was up.
- I wasn't repulsed.
- You know, and I had a hunch
it had something to do
with your ex and his wedding.
And since metal straw Mira
gave me her ID details,
I went to her page and,
surprise, no wedding photos,
which is shocking,
since she's posted pics
of every calorie
she's ever eaten,
and her last post was
her favorite dental floss.
Yet nothing of the biggest day
of her life?
And I suspect you not only
know there was no wedding,
but maybe you had
something to do with it?
Jameson, I'm sorry.
Ididn't tell you because I
didn't want you to hate me.
You used me as a placeholder
from the beginning, Camille.
No.
No, that's not true.
We were real.
I just thought that
my feelings for you
would override
my residual feelings for Ian.
And when that didn't happen
I just didn't know
how to tell you.
Yeah, and then trying not
to be the bad guy,
you made yourself
a much more brutal villain,
because thisthis sucks
worse than the fucking truth.
Not only did I get dumped,
but now I also feel stupid.
I am so sorry, Jameson.
And I hope you believe me
when I say
I care for you deeply.
I'm not sure what
to do with that.
I'm not sure either.
I, umI'm not really good
with conflict resolution.
Um, but I want this to be
the clean, non-ghostygoodbye
so that we
we both have closure.
No ghosts.
Clean.
Closed.
[soft music]
♪
[spacey music playing
on speakers]
♪
- Ah.
- Seriously?
Oh, baby,
she's just an old friend.
Oh.
Asshole.
The infamous Zoe, I presume.
Guilty.
But you know me, but I am
certain I have not met you.
Only in the posts
of SheBToxic.com.
I'm Tye.
Oh, the notorious Tye R.
Ah, you rip through Harlem,
smashing them,
ghosting them,
stomping on hearts.
You're even worse.
The Avengers
of bad girlfriends.
Ah, we're not bad.
We're just drawn that way.
Women are so
- Mad sensitive.
- Super sensitive.
You get it.
I get it.
So how about, instead of going
around town, breaking hearts,
we do what we do best
to each other?
Oh, how about it?
Oh, OK.
[Soaky Siren] I want some
of that pump-pump ♪
[Tye and Zoe laughing]
[Soaky Siren] When I call
they gonna come, come ♪
Like ring-ring they pull up
like mm hello? ♪
Can you catch it
when I throw it back slow ♪
[both giggling]
- [yelps]
- Oh shit.
[Soaky Siren] Hit that
three-four, three-four ♪
Move like see-saw, see-saw ♪
Ah! ♪
I wanna get out, get out,
get out, get out ♪
Thank you.
I'm going to have him
drop me off at home.
What?
No.
Oh, girl, no.
Remember, we have
that new episode
of Weather Wives: Australia.
And I have that wine
that you love.
I can't.
I have a ton of work.
No. Stay, please?
Just for me.
I can't.
Dinner was it
for my social time today.
Are youare you
are you mad at me?
No.
I have a press thing
in the morning,
and I need to prep
for a donor lunch.
Running for office is a lot.
Oh.
Yes.
No, of course.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry that I asked if you
were mad at me or something.
It's just, my brain is just,
mm
which is something
you should know
now that we're a couple.
Couple?
Quinn, we just
started hanging out.
Yeah.
And it's been amazing, no?
Yes, but
in a slow and casual way.
Oh, God, you are
breaking up with me.
Whoa, stop.
You're getting
ahead of yourself.
I like you.
I love spending time with you.
I just don't think I have
a lot of time
for a relationship right now.
But I came out for you.
That was for you.
And it was brave and beautiful.
You are brave and beautiful.
But this election
is coming fast,
and I don't want to half-ass that
and half-ass things with you.
Oh, my God.
I-I feel so stupid.
No, Quinn.
Quinn?
Can we just
can we just take a breather?
Yeah.
Totally.
No, I'mI'm good.
I'mI'm fine.
[Jaz Karis: "OPTION"]
♪
[Jaz Karis] Don't want
your unrequited love, oh ♪
Don't want you to force
a happy end ♪
Oh yeah ♪
Yes let me go, go, go,
go, go ♪
[sobbing]
[Jaz Karis] You gotta let
go, go, go, go, go, go oh ♪♪
[Marcus] I'm waiting.
The Anaconda is hungry.
[Angie] Uh, yeah.
All this talking
about your dick?
Maybe less is more.
Nothing less
about this monster.
But if we are being honest,
I think you're beautiful.
Thank you.
Mm, sexy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
Have you ever thought
of vaginal rejuvenation?
Excuse me?
No need to get upset.
I mean, you obviously been busy
in your dating life,
and I want us both
to enjoy sex.
- What?
- And you think
that the problem is me.
Brother micro-penis,
I'm never going to enjoy
your peanut-packing ass.
Is the problem micro penis
or macro pussy?
Because I never
had a complaint.
To your face.
We feel bad telling men.
We do not want to be mean.
Those big ass hands
and big feet,
they are just
false advertising.
Now I'm going to take one last
very, very, very, very
long shower, and then I'm out.
Harlem skills?
Nigga, I made you come,
so it's Angie skills.
Thank you.
[music playing]
Quinnie, you will not believe
what this little-dick
motherfucker s
Quinnie?
Hey, what's going on?
I scared another one off.
Oh, no.
Isabela dumped me.
She's crazy.
Angie?
Mm-hmm?
Why won't anyone love me?
Hey.
- No.
- Hey, don't do that.
No.
I am serious.
Guys and now girls?
I mean, did I realize
that I was bi
just to double up
on my rejection?
I really liked her.
I know you did,
but she just wasn't the one.
And you will find the one
who can handle all of you.
I wonder.
I don't.
And I'm in the luckiest year
of my life,
so you have to listen to me.
And I know something
that will cheer you up.
Family time.
And girl, I got a sex story
that will make you laugh.
[laughs] Well, good,
because I need to laugh.
Mm.
Angie?
I don't know what I would do
without you.
I needed to hear that.
Oh, girl.
I'm not even hungry.
I can't even eat.
Unless it's pussy.
Too soon?
[laughing]
No.
It's right on time.
Good.
Hey, Ian.
Uh, you surprised me at work,
so I figured I would do
the same for you.
Table 23 wanted a side
of brown butter maple carrots,
- not potatoes.
- [Ian] Ah.
Give it here.
Look, Cam, I'm real busy
right now.
Yeah, no, I
I totally hear that.
I justI texted you.
And I think that 24 hours
is the longest
anyone should have to wait
for three dots.
You can't three dot someone,
Chef.
- Stir.
- Aw, he called you "Chef."
- Camille
- Can you just give me
the brown butter maple carrots?
[Ian] One second, please.
Look, I didn't text you because
I didn't know what to say,
and I still don't.
No. That's OK.
It's OK.
'Cause I know
what I wanted to say.
I would like to think
that I am a really good person,
someone that wouldn't hurt
anyone else
or wouldn't hurt
anyone's feelings,
but that is not true.
And I'm ashamed.
And the reason that I didn't
come clean with Jameson
is not because I'm
unsure about you
or because I want to get
back with him.
It's because I
didn't want to say out loud
that I am the person
that Mira said I was.
I am the person who kissed
another woman's fiancé
the night before their wedding.
And I feel really guilty.
But I do know that I love you.
Brown butter maple carrots.
Look, my man,
you want to shut the fuck up
about the brown butter
maple carrots?
Damn.
You are the man
I want to be my best for,
the one who's seen me
at my worst.
And I know
that we can't go back,
but I would like
to move forward.
You sure you want to be
with someone
who called his wedding off
the night before,
even though he knew
six months ago he didn't feel
what he should for his fiancée?
I mean, I knew six months ago
I didn't feel that way for her.
I mean, I'm a piece of shit
for doing that.
I projected all those feelings
onto you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure.
I mean, he's my man,
and I'm sticking by him.
[both laugh]
So I guess we're
both trash, huh?
Everybody's got that one person
they'd blow their lives up for.
- For me, it'syou.
- Well, for me, that's you.
So we did the blowup.
Do you want to rebuild?
[laughs]
[Alex Mali: "Clearly"]
Clearly I'm a sucker
for the romance ♪
And I savor all the moments
with you
I'm sorry.
Me too.
Because being one
without the other
doesn't allow us to express
the fullness of ourselves.
And that's how we grow.
[waiter]
Brown butter maple carrots.
Oh, my God.
That's a health code violation.
Wow.
That was amazing.
[Zoe] The best.
Listen, I got some Q shit
I got to figure out.
Some other shit too.
Mind if we call it a night?
I already have my clothes on.
Oh, you gotta teach me
that move.
I will do.
Text you whenever?
Or never, whichever works.
[Brandon] Honey.
Your husband's home.
[Camille] And other times,
the bad guy is just bad.
What the fuck?
[percussive music]
♪
Ian and Camille
are done with the drama.
- Mm
- Oh, no.
- Drama returns.
- Drama returns.
[Camille] You and I
have both lived lives
in between breaking up
and getting back together.
- Hey.
- [Camille] Jameson.
My man, we need to talk.
[Angie] My family's barbecue.
All my brothers will be there.
It's been a lot of nos lately.
What if I'm a star
who never makes it?
You see how strong
you actually are?
You take all the rejection
and nos,
but you always get back up.
- [Quinn] Daddy!
- [Quinn's dad] Maybe if you
tell her about Isabela
Sharing something like that
with Mom?
It's not easy.
[all] Girls' trip!
♪
[Quinn] What do you think?
You don't need Google Maps
to see where this is going.
My ex wants all my money.
Half?
You must be crazy.
I don't have to agree
to give him half of
[Quinn] Q
R S T U V ♪
A-double-U X ♪
Pa-ride and Z ♪♪
Ho!
♪
[Camille] Why is Dr. Pruitt
calling me on a Sunday?
Technically, I quit,
so I don't need to impress her
anymore.
But then again,
I might need her
for a job recommendation.
- Hi, Dr. Pruitt.
- What just happened?
[funky hip-hop music]
♪
[singer] Like that,
like that, like that ♪
[singer] Two peas in a pod ♪♪
Wow.
Wow.
You're staying in New York.
I'm staying in New York.
I'm staying in New York.
Wow.
II, um
Hmm.
OK, that is just the excited
best news ever reaction
that I was hoping for.
No, no, it's just, I mean,
you know, you worked so hard.
No, look, Chicago can wait.
Come on.
You and us is more important
to me than Chicago.
I don't want
to be responsible
for a big life thing.
Ouch.
Wait, uh, was I thinking
that we were becoming serious
all on my own?
No, it's just I think
you know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, what I know is
I came to tell my girlfriend
I want to be with her and
her response was,
"Don't do me any favors."
That's not how I meant it.
Camille, I'll make it
a simple yes or no.
Do you want me to stay?
Message received.
♪
Quinn!
Family time
is officially in session.
Gets out here.
I got some Italian cookies
that give you gas.
I went and got me
some Funyuns 'cause, bitch,
I'm hot and spicy.
Come on!
Oh, my God, Angie.
OK, Isabela is sleeping.
Girl, you look cute.
Thank you.
But can you
please keep it down?
She'll be all right.
Half the fun of
having random sex
is when I get
to gesture and talk loudly
about my latest
sexual exploits.
And you laugh,
clutch your pearls,
and ask me questions
that a woman your age
should already know
the answer to.
Just like we do.
Oh, but if home girl
is still here,
then that means your first
lesbian bump and grind
was bountiful.
So you first, Quinnie.
IOK.
[laughter]
Tell me.
OK, OK, OK.
So first, I did not know
that the human tongue
could be so versatile.
Ooh.
She was licking it all
over the place, huh?
Ooh, sister, ooh.
Once I relaxed,
the sex was the best
that I've ever experienced.
Oh, best?
Girl, I had more
than one orgasm.
OK, to you losing
your lady virginity
and joining
the multiple orgasm club.
You're late as hell,
but you made it.
Thank you.
Mm. Mm. Mm.
Oh, my God.
Shawn, he texted earlier asking
if his son left this here.
Poor, sweet Shawn.
I do not want
to hurt his feelings,
but I think I need to end it.
Slow down.
Why not have your cake
and eat cock too?
No, I know I said I wanted
to give Shawn a try,
and I really, really
felt like I wanted to,
but I just never
expected to have
these feelings for Isabela.
Ang, I feel ready, committed.
Exactly how many orgasms
did she give you?
I lost count after eight.
Uh, maybe I need
to date her too.
[laughter]
Damn.
Just do not get
too ahead of yourself.,
or next thing you know
you'll be telling me
that she's moving in
and I need to go.
Oh, girl, we are
not even there yet.
Yet?
Your turn.
How was sex with the most
beautiful man in New York?
Girl, perfection.
Then I met his roommate,
even better.
Round three was
his even sexier cousin.
I'm hoping to run into
all of their daddies next.
And by run,
I mean with my vagina.
[laughter]
Girl, this is my lucky year.
I can feel it, girl.
Where's my invite
to the slumber party?
- Oh, no.
- You guys are mad loud.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry we woke you.
What are we talking about?
- Um.
- Oh, you know, family stuff.
Actually,
we were just wrapping up.
Weren't we, Angie?
So why don't you and I
go back to bed,
and I will see you tomorrow.
Yep.
Kind of getting late.
I should probably head home.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Angie will be quiet.
Right?
[Isabela]
It's not Angie.
I just have so many meetings
with the run up
to the election, and I need
to be up at the crack
of dawn, so
Oh, well that's good
because I love dawn,
and I love cracks even more.
[Isabela] Keep grabbing
my ass like that,
- watch what's going to happen.
- Yes.
- But only for a little longer.
- OK, that's fine.
- I really need to go.
- Bye, bitch.
My days are numbered.
Good or bad?
Hero or villain?
As anthropologists,
we know that that answer
depends on whose lens
we're looking through.
Take Pancho Villa,
a heroic legend
of the Mexican Revolution.
Or if you were in charge,
a deadly revolutionary
who had to be stopped.
History is full
of this kind of dichotomy.
I want you to give me
500 words
on from how
one cultural perspective
one is a hero,
and from another, a villain.
Class dismissed.
Hey, excuse me,
Dr. Parks, I got a question
- about today's lecture.
- Ian.
What are you doing here?
Snuck in a little late
while you were
still looking up at the screen.
- Um, so how-how are you?
- I'm all right.
But look, I took some time just
to get my thoughts together
and just figure out
what I'm doing, and I'm just
I'm just ready for this.
You know, I'm ready for you,
and I'm just ready for us.
So am I.
[singer] I'll be there
on your all darkest nights ♪
When you feel like no one
really needs you ♪
If you tell me
what's been on your mind ♪
So then her mother
starts just yelling,
like screaming at the top
of her lungs at my mother
because she won't
talk sense into me,
like I'm not a grown man.
Oh, wow.
Camille's apartment.
This is surreal.
I never thought
I'd be back here.
Yeah, you are here.
Wow.
Um, can I get you something?
Uh
I have some yogurt
and some butter.
Oh, this is
expired yogurt,
which I think is how
you make butter.
And a little rosé left.
Uh, yay to the rosé,
no to the yogurt butter.
Yay to the rosé.
I was hoping maybe
we could just chat?
Yeah.
Yes.
Thanks.
Hey, you're welcome.
[both chuckle]
It feels good to finally be
past all the chaos, you know?
Yeah.
I mean, things are finally
good with my parents.
No restraining order
needed from Mira.
[awkward laughter]
That would have been bad.
How about you?
How was the talk
with, uh, Jason?
Oh, Jameson.
Sure.
I mean, how did he
take the breakup?
He actually kind of
broke up with me first.
He said that he
was going to give up
a job opportunity in Chicago
to stay here with me.
And I was like, "Whoa, don't
give up your life for me."
And then it just
kind of exploded.
And he got so mad and left.
So that's how that went.
And then?
And then what?
So, I mean, come on.
How did he take the news about
us getting back together?
Well, I mean,
it kind of seemed
weird to just, you know,
chase him down the street
and be like, "Oh, I know
you just kind of dumped me,
"but just to make you
extra mad, me and my ex kissed
and now
we're back together."
It would, except it
wasn't that simple.
I called off
an entire wedding for you.
- For me?
- Yeah.
So now you're saying
this is all my fault?
Well, who the hell
else showed up and said
we have to be together?
Yeah, and you said
the same thing.
Why are you making me sound
like a homewrecker
and you just were passively
along for the ride?
I was getting married
the next day.
And you didn't
think about that?
About maybe Mira
not being the one
maybe the moment before that?
Or it was just right
up until that second
when evil Camille came,
and other than that,
you would have
been married today?
What the fuck, Camille?
What the fuck, Ian?
You cannot put this all on me.
You made choices too.
You know what?
I'm going to make
another choice.
I'm going to talk to you later.
Ian?
Wait.
Are you serious?
[upbeat music]
[Camille] I expected Jameson
to be pissed at me.
But Ian?
I mean, when did I
become the bad guy?
You're not.
Things are just
a bit messy right now.
Yeah, but you know what
they say,
the way that a relationship
starts is how it ends.
Um, if that were
true, Genuine and I
would have ended up back in
a bathroom on Snoop's tour bus.
Girl, I was riding that pony.
Yeah.
Right this way.
Oh, and speaking
of getting lucky,
remember when tinfoil dude
said my luck would change
if I fucked the pedicure guy?
I don't remember him
being that specific.
Which is why I fucked
the roommate to be safe.
Point is, I figured,
why not test my new luck?
So I bought a scratcher.
I won a free ticket.
Traded it in,
won another free ticket.
Traded that in, free ticket.
- I am on my fifth free ticket.
- Wow.
She's a millionaire.
Yeah, actually leave that
because our friend's coming.
Where is Quinn?
Probably somewhere buying
a new dresser for Isabela
or getting their names
embroidered on a towel.
I'm telling you, Quinn is ready
to move her in and me out.
That seems very, very fast.
You know Quinn.
Somebody smiles at her,
and she's planning
their 25th anniversary party.
Plus, you know the joke.
What does a lesbian
bring on the second date?
A U-Haul.
See?
See?
It's like Quinn's sexuality
and her relationship thirst
have finally aligned.
Yeah, but it seems
like the whole U-Haul thing
is rather simplistic.
And honestly, it's kind of
offensive and certainly
not true for you, Tye.
Because I rarely
want a second date.
But I'm trying to be better
and more open
to something real.
Just in time for me to not even
be able to get a first date.
I ran into
that hot girl Carla earlier.
- Oh, my bad.
- Excuse me.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
- Carla, what's up?
- Uh
What's-what's up?
I mean, I thought
we had a vibe.
Why haven't you texted me back?
So I can be one more woman
with a sad, angry tale
of how you fucked them over?
Wait.
What you mean one more?
Who have you been talking to?
The internet, boo.
Oh, your bullshit is well
documented on SheBToxic.com.
She dotdot what?
SheBToxic.com.
Look at this shit.
[Camille]
SheBToxic.com.
What is this?
Some shitty website
where bitter people go
and put their dates on blast.
I'm all over it.
Scroll down to the one
that says Trashy Tye.
"Total trash.
She fucked the waitress during
our dinner date at the table."
Come on.
They can't just keep printing
lies like this.
Lies, right?
They're true, but still.
This can't get out.
I mean, especially
now that I'm trying
to have a real adult date.
Nobody will take me seriously.
And if Brandon's lawyer
gets a hold of this,
it will further prove
what a bad spouse I was.
Have you talked
to Brandon at all?
Radio silence.
But my lawyer thinks that
we should request a meeting.
Fuck that shit.
Why would I be chasing
somebody to take my money?
OK, I know that's right.
You know what?
I doubt his lawyers could use
anything from this wack site
that nobody probably
even looks
oh, my God.
"Professor Parks
can't be trusted.
"She gets what she wants
and then she ghosts you.
Also, she's pretty."
Aw.
"But broke as fuck."
[together]
Ooh.
I guess Jameson
really is pissed.
Jameson doesn't know
I'm broke as fuck.
He wouldn't write that, right?
He wouldn't do that.
He wouldn't do
do you think he would do that?
- Maybe Mira?
- Or Ian.
No, not Ian.
He's definitely not posting.
He can't even figure out email.
Damn, Milly, you got more
haters than an Android user
in a group chat.
But fear not,
my good sis,
I'm going to go down
to that office and I'm going
to get my shit taken down.
And I'll get
your shit handled too.
Hey, that's a friend.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I surprised Isabela
this morning
- with breakfast at her office.
- Oh. Hmm.
So you ate already.
Why didn't you
just bring her?
I didn't want
to cut into couple time.
[Camille]
Oh.
And now you're cutting
into friend time.
Sorry.
So apparently on the internet,
I am broke as fuck.
[Quinn]
What?
You are the last thing
that is broke as fuck.
Angie's broke as fuck.
Oh, no,
Angie won five tickets.
[laughter]
She's a bitch.
Luck be a motherfucking lady.
Eight times the charm.
- You won another ticket?
- Mm-hmm.
That's what's up.
This is my season, boo.
I found $2 on the subway,
and the natural deodorant
is working today.
The lady who ran
my mammogram this a.m.,
she wasn't slanging, squeezing,
and pressing my boobs
like I stole her man
or something.
She was gentle.
I felt loved.
Mammogram?
Mad young,
but it runs in my family.
Early detection,
and I do not play.
- Now golden ticket, please.
- Got you.
- Thank you.
- Here.
- Quarter.
- Thank you.
- All right, let's see it.
- Oh, I feel it.
This is the one.
I'm going to win
some actual cash.
Oh, there is a $500.
- There I go.
- That's a good start.
Come on.
- And another $500.
- Let's go.
Let's go.
That's all?
That's adamn.
It was good while
it lasted, right?
It's supposed to be
my lucky year.
I guess my luck is over.
Ow, shit.
Damn.
Ow.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Funyuns.
[tender music]
♪
[singer] Girl, I know
it ain't been easy ♪
I'm Marcus.
Hi.
[rolls R]
Marcus.
Sorry, I had to.
I'm Angie.
I want to show you something
almost as beautiful as you.
Impossible, but I would love
to see you try.
Oh.
Oh.
Damn.
Oh, holy shit.
I just had
my first real estate orgasm.
That garden is all yours?
[laughs]
Yes, it sure is.
The groceries are put away.
I'm coming down.
This is just impossible.
Four stories,
the skyline,
a rooftop barbecue,
the gym and theater.
I could live in one
of your big ass laundry rooms
and be good.
Can I live
in your laundry room?
[chuckles]
Don't take this
the wrong way,
but how the fuck
are you single?
I haven't found
the woman that could
actually handle all of me.
I have a lot to offer,
and I find that most women
get overwhelmed.
Not to be crass, but if you
think this house is big
[chuckles]
[chuckles]
See, normally that kind
of line makes me roll my eyes,
but in this room,
in this house it works.
It all works.
Well, maybe today
is my lucky day.
Oh, it sure as hell is mine.
You ready to go up
and grab that drink?
[chuckles]
Oh, my God.
Your hands are huge.
Stay tuned.
We are Sage and Sapphire.
And welcome, sisters,
to our poetry.
I open my legs.
The tread on this pussy
is legendary.
What is this?
I swear Celesbian magazine
said that this
was the go-to event of the week.
Celesbian magazine
needs to get out more.
Lick this clit till
the 30th of February
and eat my ass like
a motherfucking visionary.
[together]
Yeah!
- [Sage] End.
- There are no words.
Except let's and go.
[upbeat music]
♪
Ah, I make them,
you rake them, sis.
So your bad reviews
are just on that site forever?
Yup.
I've tried bribing.
I've tried threatening
the guy who runs it.
Nothing. It's like
that thing where the site
is not responsible
for its own contents.
Falsely yell fire in a theater,
you can get arrested.
Falsely yell anything online,
you're fine.
Wait, falsely? But, like,
weren't the posts true?
But, like, aren't you
missing the point?
But, like, can you
look at the board?
I am looking
at the stupid board.
- What led?
- [Angie] No, no, bitch.
See, this is why I don't like
playing with y'all,
'cause y'all be cheating.
You need to pay attention.
OK, so unless I ask Jameson
to take the ones down about me,
then I'm basically screwed too?
Basically.
[pounding on table]
What?
You just reneged.
Tye, how many times
do I have to tell you,
you must watch the board.
Come on and slide me over
three bucks, reneger.
Wait.
That's a little bit racist.
Can we please not talk
over the board?
Anyway, I've been
bingeing this site nonstop
trying to find
more posts about myself
and toxic Camille.
Sorry. Just kidding.
Kind of.
But I've come across
hundreds of posts
about this fuck girl Zoe.
I mean, her ability
to fuck and run,
she'slegendary
but in a bad way.
Mm, like Walt Disney.
So I'm getting
to review, like, 45,
where Zoe has another
tragic case
at the Hip Hop Sushi spot
on 134th.
I realized
she is perfect for me.
She's like a human cactus:
zero care needed.
So I'm going to Hip Hop Sushi
to track her ass down.
While I'm looking
for Mrs. Right,
I can still fuck
like Ms. Wrong.
And we both won't have
feelings about it.
Speaking of not feeling,
dope-ass-house Marcus and I
went out again
and we had sex.
[Quinn]
And?
[grunts]
Now, before we go
any further
- Mm-hmm.
- I got to warn you:
once I lay this pipe on you
Yeah.
Your life is forever changed.
Oh, wreck me, Marcus.
[both moan]
Oh, yeah.
Say my name, baby.
Say my name.
Marcus?
Uh, yeah.
Take it.
Take all of it.
Oh.
Oh.
Do I have any?
Oh, God.
Oh, Harlem skills!
[groaning]
♪
It was this small.
- [person 1] No!
- [person 2] No way.
Not an exaggeration.
So what were
the Harlem skills?
Drying out my pussy.
Oh, my God.
OK, but you didn't
say anything, right?
You didn't write a mean review
about him or anything
because you're a nice person
and because you were
worried about his feelings.
Angie is not a nice person.
Thank you.
Fuck his feelings.
What I care about is the house.
So we're going out again.
'Cause I need to have
my plan B in place
for when Quinn kicks me out
for Lady Isabela.
Oh, my gosh, Angie.
I'm not even
thinking about that.
When I moved in,
you said if you ever found
someone that I needed to go.
We also said that
you'd pay half the rent.
We also said that
I'd become less needy.
None of these things
have happened.
And I cannot take any chances.
I'll never find a real estate
opportunity like this again.
And I'll just get my orgasms
in his giant shower
with those jets hitting me
in all the right places.
See, everyone
has a promising future
except for me.
Still no word from Ian?
No, and I texted him last night
like I do after every argument
because his Scorpio ass
can't let anything go,
and he didn't write me back.
- He three dotted me.
- [gasps]
And it went on so long
that I took a screenshot.
Oh.
Absolutely not.
I hate getting three dotted.
I three dot sometimes.
On purpose.
To keep women guessing.
You think that maybe
you might have earned
your place on SheBToxic?
- Like I earned my place.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
That is different.
[Angie] You know Tye
is worse than you are.
- Bitch.
- Thank you. She's way worse.
Camille.
Can you promise me
that you're not
going to be pacing up and down
your apartment all night
tonight overthinking
all of this?
[singer]
Get a plug, get a charge ♪
Get a blunt, get a smoke ♪
You're the one that I want ♪
That I need like this song ♪
I get lost in my thoughts ♪
Damn, I lost
all my thoughts ♪
1, 2, 3, call.
[singer]
Like I told him get lost ♪
Fuck up off of my heart ♪
I don't really need
that can't sleep ♪
Kinda love ♪
Can't eat ♪
Please save me kinda love ♪
Don't want that, ooh ♪
- [sighs]
- [phone dings]
[singer] I want you ♪
I want that ♪
[door buzzes]
Shit.
His keys.
His keys.
Shit.
Shit.
[punchy music]
♪
[whispering] This way, Cam.
Cam, Cam, gonna work.
♪
Mm.
Oh.
I must have dozed off.
You never were
a good fake sleeper.
Here.
You, uh, left that at my place.
Ironically, it's
your dirty laundry.
Goodbye.
Hope you figure your shit out.
My shit?
I'm not the one writing,
"Professor Parks
can't be trusted.
She gets what she wants
and then she ghosts you."
I didn't write that.
What?
Hoo.
Sure could have.
Definitely wish I read this
before I called off Chicago.
I'm glad to know I'm not
the only guy
you've done this to.
Look, Jameson, I don't
don't want to turn into this.
Maybe-maybe the way I said it
was a-a miscommunication.
Camille, I'm not an idiot.
When you were suddenly repulsed
by the idea of my sharing
a city with you, I
I knew something was up.
- I wasn't repulsed.
- You know, and I had a hunch
it had something to do
with your ex and his wedding.
And since metal straw Mira
gave me her ID details,
I went to her page and,
surprise, no wedding photos,
which is shocking,
since she's posted pics
of every calorie
she's ever eaten,
and her last post was
her favorite dental floss.
Yet nothing of the biggest day
of her life?
And I suspect you not only
know there was no wedding,
but maybe you had
something to do with it?
Jameson, I'm sorry.
Ididn't tell you because I
didn't want you to hate me.
You used me as a placeholder
from the beginning, Camille.
No.
No, that's not true.
We were real.
I just thought that
my feelings for you
would override
my residual feelings for Ian.
And when that didn't happen
I just didn't know
how to tell you.
Yeah, and then trying not
to be the bad guy,
you made yourself
a much more brutal villain,
because thisthis sucks
worse than the fucking truth.
Not only did I get dumped,
but now I also feel stupid.
I am so sorry, Jameson.
And I hope you believe me
when I say
I care for you deeply.
I'm not sure what
to do with that.
I'm not sure either.
I, umI'm not really good
with conflict resolution.
Um, but I want this to be
the clean, non-ghostygoodbye
so that we
we both have closure.
No ghosts.
Clean.
Closed.
[soft music]
♪
[spacey music playing
on speakers]
♪
- Ah.
- Seriously?
Oh, baby,
she's just an old friend.
Oh.
Asshole.
The infamous Zoe, I presume.
Guilty.
But you know me, but I am
certain I have not met you.
Only in the posts
of SheBToxic.com.
I'm Tye.
Oh, the notorious Tye R.
Ah, you rip through Harlem,
smashing them,
ghosting them,
stomping on hearts.
You're even worse.
The Avengers
of bad girlfriends.
Ah, we're not bad.
We're just drawn that way.
Women are so
- Mad sensitive.
- Super sensitive.
You get it.
I get it.
So how about, instead of going
around town, breaking hearts,
we do what we do best
to each other?
Oh, how about it?
Oh, OK.
[Soaky Siren] I want some
of that pump-pump ♪
[Tye and Zoe laughing]
[Soaky Siren] When I call
they gonna come, come ♪
Like ring-ring they pull up
like mm hello? ♪
Can you catch it
when I throw it back slow ♪
[both giggling]
- [yelps]
- Oh shit.
[Soaky Siren] Hit that
three-four, three-four ♪
Move like see-saw, see-saw ♪
Ah! ♪
I wanna get out, get out,
get out, get out ♪
Thank you.
I'm going to have him
drop me off at home.
What?
No.
Oh, girl, no.
Remember, we have
that new episode
of Weather Wives: Australia.
And I have that wine
that you love.
I can't.
I have a ton of work.
No. Stay, please?
Just for me.
I can't.
Dinner was it
for my social time today.
Are youare you
are you mad at me?
No.
I have a press thing
in the morning,
and I need to prep
for a donor lunch.
Running for office is a lot.
Oh.
Yes.
No, of course.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry that I asked if you
were mad at me or something.
It's just, my brain is just,
mm
which is something
you should know
now that we're a couple.
Couple?
Quinn, we just
started hanging out.
Yeah.
And it's been amazing, no?
Yes, but
in a slow and casual way.
Oh, God, you are
breaking up with me.
Whoa, stop.
You're getting
ahead of yourself.
I like you.
I love spending time with you.
I just don't think I have
a lot of time
for a relationship right now.
But I came out for you.
That was for you.
And it was brave and beautiful.
You are brave and beautiful.
But this election
is coming fast,
and I don't want to half-ass that
and half-ass things with you.
Oh, my God.
I-I feel so stupid.
No, Quinn.
Quinn?
Can we just
can we just take a breather?
Yeah.
Totally.
No, I'mI'm good.
I'mI'm fine.
[Jaz Karis: "OPTION"]
♪
[Jaz Karis] Don't want
your unrequited love, oh ♪
Don't want you to force
a happy end ♪
Oh yeah ♪
Yes let me go, go, go,
go, go ♪
[sobbing]
[Jaz Karis] You gotta let
go, go, go, go, go, go oh ♪♪
[Marcus] I'm waiting.
The Anaconda is hungry.
[Angie] Uh, yeah.
All this talking
about your dick?
Maybe less is more.
Nothing less
about this monster.
But if we are being honest,
I think you're beautiful.
Thank you.
Mm, sexy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
Have you ever thought
of vaginal rejuvenation?
Excuse me?
No need to get upset.
I mean, you obviously been busy
in your dating life,
and I want us both
to enjoy sex.
- What?
- And you think
that the problem is me.
Brother micro-penis,
I'm never going to enjoy
your peanut-packing ass.
Is the problem micro penis
or macro pussy?
Because I never
had a complaint.
To your face.
We feel bad telling men.
We do not want to be mean.
Those big ass hands
and big feet,
they are just
false advertising.
Now I'm going to take one last
very, very, very, very
long shower, and then I'm out.
Harlem skills?
Nigga, I made you come,
so it's Angie skills.
Thank you.
[music playing]
Quinnie, you will not believe
what this little-dick
motherfucker s
Quinnie?
Hey, what's going on?
I scared another one off.
Oh, no.
Isabela dumped me.
She's crazy.
Angie?
Mm-hmm?
Why won't anyone love me?
Hey.
- No.
- Hey, don't do that.
No.
I am serious.
Guys and now girls?
I mean, did I realize
that I was bi
just to double up
on my rejection?
I really liked her.
I know you did,
but she just wasn't the one.
And you will find the one
who can handle all of you.
I wonder.
I don't.
And I'm in the luckiest year
of my life,
so you have to listen to me.
And I know something
that will cheer you up.
Family time.
And girl, I got a sex story
that will make you laugh.
[laughs] Well, good,
because I need to laugh.
Mm.
Angie?
I don't know what I would do
without you.
I needed to hear that.
Oh, girl.
I'm not even hungry.
I can't even eat.
Unless it's pussy.
Too soon?
[laughing]
No.
It's right on time.
Good.
Hey, Ian.
Uh, you surprised me at work,
so I figured I would do
the same for you.
Table 23 wanted a side
of brown butter maple carrots,
- not potatoes.
- [Ian] Ah.
Give it here.
Look, Cam, I'm real busy
right now.
Yeah, no, I
I totally hear that.
I justI texted you.
And I think that 24 hours
is the longest
anyone should have to wait
for three dots.
You can't three dot someone,
Chef.
- Stir.
- Aw, he called you "Chef."
- Camille
- Can you just give me
the brown butter maple carrots?
[Ian] One second, please.
Look, I didn't text you because
I didn't know what to say,
and I still don't.
No. That's OK.
It's OK.
'Cause I know
what I wanted to say.
I would like to think
that I am a really good person,
someone that wouldn't hurt
anyone else
or wouldn't hurt
anyone's feelings,
but that is not true.
And I'm ashamed.
And the reason that I didn't
come clean with Jameson
is not because I'm
unsure about you
or because I want to get
back with him.
It's because I
didn't want to say out loud
that I am the person
that Mira said I was.
I am the person who kissed
another woman's fiancé
the night before their wedding.
And I feel really guilty.
But I do know that I love you.
Brown butter maple carrots.
Look, my man,
you want to shut the fuck up
about the brown butter
maple carrots?
Damn.
You are the man
I want to be my best for,
the one who's seen me
at my worst.
And I know
that we can't go back,
but I would like
to move forward.
You sure you want to be
with someone
who called his wedding off
the night before,
even though he knew
six months ago he didn't feel
what he should for his fiancée?
I mean, I knew six months ago
I didn't feel that way for her.
I mean, I'm a piece of shit
for doing that.
I projected all those feelings
onto you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure.
I mean, he's my man,
and I'm sticking by him.
[both laugh]
So I guess we're
both trash, huh?
Everybody's got that one person
they'd blow their lives up for.
- For me, it'syou.
- Well, for me, that's you.
So we did the blowup.
Do you want to rebuild?
[laughs]
[Alex Mali: "Clearly"]
Clearly I'm a sucker
for the romance ♪
And I savor all the moments
with you
I'm sorry.
Me too.
Because being one
without the other
doesn't allow us to express
the fullness of ourselves.
And that's how we grow.
[waiter]
Brown butter maple carrots.
Oh, my God.
That's a health code violation.
Wow.
That was amazing.
[Zoe] The best.
Listen, I got some Q shit
I got to figure out.
Some other shit too.
Mind if we call it a night?
I already have my clothes on.
Oh, you gotta teach me
that move.
I will do.
Text you whenever?
Or never, whichever works.
[Brandon] Honey.
Your husband's home.
[Camille] And other times,
the bad guy is just bad.
What the fuck?
[percussive music]
♪
Ian and Camille
are done with the drama.
- Mm
- Oh, no.
- Drama returns.
- Drama returns.
[Camille] You and I
have both lived lives
in between breaking up
and getting back together.
- Hey.
- [Camille] Jameson.
My man, we need to talk.
[Angie] My family's barbecue.
All my brothers will be there.
It's been a lot of nos lately.
What if I'm a star
who never makes it?
You see how strong
you actually are?
You take all the rejection
and nos,
but you always get back up.
- [Quinn] Daddy!
- [Quinn's dad] Maybe if you
tell her about Isabela
Sharing something like that
with Mom?
It's not easy.
[all] Girls' trip!
♪
[Quinn] What do you think?
You don't need Google Maps
to see where this is going.
My ex wants all my money.
Half?
You must be crazy.
I don't have to agree
to give him half of
[Quinn] Q
R S T U V ♪
A-double-U X ♪
Pa-ride and Z ♪♪
Ho!
♪
[Camille] Why is Dr. Pruitt
calling me on a Sunday?
Technically, I quit,
so I don't need to impress her
anymore.
But then again,
I might need her
for a job recommendation.
- Hi, Dr. Pruitt.
- What just happened?