Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s02e02 Episode Script
Trio's Company
1 Send in Inch High.
You wanted to see me, boss? Take a seat.
I did.
So, how's the kids? Well-- Open it.
Branston divorce.
I'd recognize that D-cup anywhere.
- And that? - The insurance fraud case.
The angle on these, about what, two inches? I'd say half that.
Inch, we got history, but my clients pay for results.
And this, this ain't results.
But, mister-- - You're fired! - What? Why? I don't know, maybe because you're short! But you can't do that.
lt's We hit Bedrock.
"Enclosed you'll find a signed settlement offer in triplicate.
"Sign one and return it.
"Keep one, and "Maybe keep two.
Sincerely, Harvey.
" Did you hear that? I didn't hear anything.
I heard the fatty grunt.
It was no such thing.
lt's a It is a fatty grunt.
No.
Maybe it's just a Hit it.
And one and two and three.
Is it gone yet? Excuse me, Mr.
Birdman? Off to join a gym.
Hello? Hold on.
I think we have a bad connection.
- Harvey Birdman.
- Inch High, private eye.
- What can I do for you? - I was fired wrongfully.
And okay, who wants to get physical? I'm going undercover.
This is a little quicker than I'm used to moving.
What do you mean? First we go to dinner, then a movie I say something that will make you forget you were ever interested in me sexually.
- Gigi! - Phil! I didn't know you were a member here, Birdman.
Teeth! Tetanus.
I just joined.
Seems like a good club, though.
Has everything, right? Yeah.
Olympic-sized pool, handball, the whole shebang.
You're out of talc.
Veetz, you get that thing I sent you? Look out! You really think she'd go out with me? Just ask her.
Listen, about my case-- I guess I could ask her.
Not to scale.
But how do I get her number? Stall 3.
5-5-5 Fight! Body blow! Uppercut! Who met a woman? - Harvey did.
- Game aver.
And I got her number.
About my case - What was that? - A toilet seat cover.
That was a tiny man.
Smaller than me.
Hi.
It's Gigi.
Sorry, I can't come to the phone right now.
I'm all tied up.
Hi, Gigi.
Yeah, listen, I was wondering if you the two of us, could get some coffee.
It's Harvey.
It's 4:30 in the-- I got your message, and yes, I would love to move in with you.
Okay, fellows! - Who are they? - Vince and Terry.
Guy! Man, you got any chips or cookies or crap? Not good! About my case - See you later.
- Yeah, you will.
Gigi, I'm just wondering if it's not a little too soon for us to be living together.
Are you saying that you don't love me? You're not working it.
I don't move in with a guy every day, you know, Harry.
Oh, my God, I can't believe you said that.
You get that ring I sent you? I totally screwed up.
You think I should send her flowers? Or maybe a cookie bouquet? Cookies on dowels.
Vulturo.
Okay, what have we got? Arbitration! That's for people who are too teeny to go to court.
Too teeny-weenie.
Your Honor, my client, a private investigator-- Colloquially known as? A P.
l.
? - Gumshoe? - He wants you to say "dick.
" Which would make you an Inch High dick.
- Mr.
Birdman, what's your offer? - Man 2, with credit for time served.
Man 1.
And one of those little ankle thingies.
We can do that.
Wait.
What just happened? Phil, I just wanted to clarify something.
Are you and Gigi I don't know how to put this delicately.
Trimming Aubrey's beardsley? - Yes.
- No.
Absolutely not.
Then it's all just a misunderstanding then.
Because I thought-- We're just close friends.
- Found it! - You sure did.
Multiple entendre.
Got to run.
See you at home, hon.
Do you mind telling me what she was looking for? Your desk lamp.
Here.
Is he gone? Birdman! That little man, where is he? I must find him and destroy him.
He's so perfectly miniature.
I hate him.
I love him.
Please, put it away.
I like the little hat, though.
Trés chic.
I have to be honest.
I don't have a lot of dating experience but it seems like you're a little too accessible.
So I've been married.
Now you're gonna tell me you have hang-ups about it? Married? To whom? Some guy in Andorra, and then once on a cruise.
And then three or four times at this tantric workshop.
You've been divorced six Seven times? - I don't believe in divorce.
- But you've been married! Those are your laws, Harry.
You've never been married to your friends, have you? Who, Vince and Terry? No.
Who wants to own, when renting is so much more fun? But my heart belongs to only one guy, pookie.
Let's not.
I want that moment, when and if it comes to be special.
About my case So I think she's committed to me, but I can't be sure.
If I just had proof.
Some way of knowing what she really thinks in a place where she has her innermost thoughts.
But how could I find out without her knowing? I can't just sneak into her bedroom with a camera.
Hello! - I'm six and a half feet tall! - Look, I'm Surely she'd see me.
No, there must be some other way.
But how? Think, damn it! You! - Reducto! - Shrink me.
Aren't you still waiting for FDA approval on this thing? Teensy-weensie.
Your pimento is slipping.
Singing telegram for Mr.
Phil Ken Sebben.
Yeah, just go out those doors and-- All right.
What's up? My client says he has an additional piece of evidence to present.
Where is he? I don't have all the time - You mean the little person.
- Yes, Your Honor.
Hang on.
Excuse me.
What a kick on this thing.
Be right back.
- Again.
- Please step on the ride, sir.
- I'm sorry.
What? - Get on the ride, sir.
As I was saying through my own much-maligned powers of deduction I have produced evidence which will, I hope prove beyond a shadow of a doubt-- Just roll it.
Dear Diary, after so long, I think I've finally met the one.
He 's tall and gorgeous, and he's got a good career.
Gigi! Yes, I love you, too.
Get that goat.
I don't know what just happened, but, hell.
Not guilty! Do you take Gigi to be your lawfully wedded wife in your pants? I do.
Great footage.
Singing telegram for the happy septuplicate.
Hey, Inch! Get that goat.
Sit right there, and I'll get my coat.
Peanut, make sure she doesn't move.
- She had something in her-- - Mouth.
- And I was helping her-- - Get it out.
I'm going in her bra.
You wanted to see me, boss? Take a seat.
I did.
So, how's the kids? Well-- Open it.
Branston divorce.
I'd recognize that D-cup anywhere.
- And that? - The insurance fraud case.
The angle on these, about what, two inches? I'd say half that.
Inch, we got history, but my clients pay for results.
And this, this ain't results.
But, mister-- - You're fired! - What? Why? I don't know, maybe because you're short! But you can't do that.
lt's We hit Bedrock.
"Enclosed you'll find a signed settlement offer in triplicate.
"Sign one and return it.
"Keep one, and "Maybe keep two.
Sincerely, Harvey.
" Did you hear that? I didn't hear anything.
I heard the fatty grunt.
It was no such thing.
lt's a It is a fatty grunt.
No.
Maybe it's just a Hit it.
And one and two and three.
Is it gone yet? Excuse me, Mr.
Birdman? Off to join a gym.
Hello? Hold on.
I think we have a bad connection.
- Harvey Birdman.
- Inch High, private eye.
- What can I do for you? - I was fired wrongfully.
And okay, who wants to get physical? I'm going undercover.
This is a little quicker than I'm used to moving.
What do you mean? First we go to dinner, then a movie I say something that will make you forget you were ever interested in me sexually.
- Gigi! - Phil! I didn't know you were a member here, Birdman.
Teeth! Tetanus.
I just joined.
Seems like a good club, though.
Has everything, right? Yeah.
Olympic-sized pool, handball, the whole shebang.
You're out of talc.
Veetz, you get that thing I sent you? Look out! You really think she'd go out with me? Just ask her.
Listen, about my case-- I guess I could ask her.
Not to scale.
But how do I get her number? Stall 3.
5-5-5 Fight! Body blow! Uppercut! Who met a woman? - Harvey did.
- Game aver.
And I got her number.
About my case - What was that? - A toilet seat cover.
That was a tiny man.
Smaller than me.
Hi.
It's Gigi.
Sorry, I can't come to the phone right now.
I'm all tied up.
Hi, Gigi.
Yeah, listen, I was wondering if you the two of us, could get some coffee.
It's Harvey.
It's 4:30 in the-- I got your message, and yes, I would love to move in with you.
Okay, fellows! - Who are they? - Vince and Terry.
Guy! Man, you got any chips or cookies or crap? Not good! About my case - See you later.
- Yeah, you will.
Gigi, I'm just wondering if it's not a little too soon for us to be living together.
Are you saying that you don't love me? You're not working it.
I don't move in with a guy every day, you know, Harry.
Oh, my God, I can't believe you said that.
You get that ring I sent you? I totally screwed up.
You think I should send her flowers? Or maybe a cookie bouquet? Cookies on dowels.
Vulturo.
Okay, what have we got? Arbitration! That's for people who are too teeny to go to court.
Too teeny-weenie.
Your Honor, my client, a private investigator-- Colloquially known as? A P.
l.
? - Gumshoe? - He wants you to say "dick.
" Which would make you an Inch High dick.
- Mr.
Birdman, what's your offer? - Man 2, with credit for time served.
Man 1.
And one of those little ankle thingies.
We can do that.
Wait.
What just happened? Phil, I just wanted to clarify something.
Are you and Gigi I don't know how to put this delicately.
Trimming Aubrey's beardsley? - Yes.
- No.
Absolutely not.
Then it's all just a misunderstanding then.
Because I thought-- We're just close friends.
- Found it! - You sure did.
Multiple entendre.
Got to run.
See you at home, hon.
Do you mind telling me what she was looking for? Your desk lamp.
Here.
Is he gone? Birdman! That little man, where is he? I must find him and destroy him.
He's so perfectly miniature.
I hate him.
I love him.
Please, put it away.
I like the little hat, though.
Trés chic.
I have to be honest.
I don't have a lot of dating experience but it seems like you're a little too accessible.
So I've been married.
Now you're gonna tell me you have hang-ups about it? Married? To whom? Some guy in Andorra, and then once on a cruise.
And then three or four times at this tantric workshop.
You've been divorced six Seven times? - I don't believe in divorce.
- But you've been married! Those are your laws, Harry.
You've never been married to your friends, have you? Who, Vince and Terry? No.
Who wants to own, when renting is so much more fun? But my heart belongs to only one guy, pookie.
Let's not.
I want that moment, when and if it comes to be special.
About my case So I think she's committed to me, but I can't be sure.
If I just had proof.
Some way of knowing what she really thinks in a place where she has her innermost thoughts.
But how could I find out without her knowing? I can't just sneak into her bedroom with a camera.
Hello! - I'm six and a half feet tall! - Look, I'm Surely she'd see me.
No, there must be some other way.
But how? Think, damn it! You! - Reducto! - Shrink me.
Aren't you still waiting for FDA approval on this thing? Teensy-weensie.
Your pimento is slipping.
Singing telegram for Mr.
Phil Ken Sebben.
Yeah, just go out those doors and-- All right.
What's up? My client says he has an additional piece of evidence to present.
Where is he? I don't have all the time - You mean the little person.
- Yes, Your Honor.
Hang on.
Excuse me.
What a kick on this thing.
Be right back.
- Again.
- Please step on the ride, sir.
- I'm sorry.
What? - Get on the ride, sir.
As I was saying through my own much-maligned powers of deduction I have produced evidence which will, I hope prove beyond a shadow of a doubt-- Just roll it.
Dear Diary, after so long, I think I've finally met the one.
He 's tall and gorgeous, and he's got a good career.
Gigi! Yes, I love you, too.
Get that goat.
I don't know what just happened, but, hell.
Not guilty! Do you take Gigi to be your lawfully wedded wife in your pants? I do.
Great footage.
Singing telegram for the happy septuplicate.
Hey, Inch! Get that goat.
Sit right there, and I'll get my coat.
Peanut, make sure she doesn't move.
- She had something in her-- - Mouth.
- And I was helping her-- - Get it out.
I'm going in her bra.