Hot In Cleveland s02e02 Episode Script

All right then.
Bye.
I'm not gonna say it.
I don't want to say it.
You are such an old woman.
Fine.
I love you, too.
- Your mother? - My fake fiance.
We're meeting the immigration lawyer, and Rick's insisting We act like a real couple.
I mean, do people really say, "I love you" that much? It's gross.
No word from your jailed accountant? - Nomy assets are still frozen.
I am officially broke.
- Oh, now.
You still have your health.
And the love of your friends.
- I can't even laugh at your dark English humor anymore.
But that's okay, because I have a plan.
- Hmm.
Ohiosugardaddies.
Com.
Rich older men looking for younger women.
Which one are you? - For your information, I signed up.
I sent in a picture and everything.
- This is your head shot from 1981.
"special skills: Weapons, fluent in Japanese.
Ventriloquism"? Ventriloquism? - help! I'm stuck in the refrigerator.
- Need a refill? - Oh, you've got that right, skeletor.
- What are you doing? - Getting drunk.
It's the only way I'm going to get over Max.
- Oh, it's so sad that you two broke up.
- She had to.
She's under indictment and Max's son is running for office.
- I'll be fine after a 24-hour bender.
Benders fix everything.
Except quitting alcohol.
- So how far in are you? - Uh Uh Eight hours.
Maybe 20.
My watch might be upside down.
- You don't sound drunk.
- I'm stinko.
You can tell 'cause my edit button's turned off.
- You have an edit button? - You tell me.
What's dumb, flat, and needs to shave her mustache? It's you.
- I'll be damned.
- Hey, morning guys.
Um, listen.
You know I hate to ask for favors.
Although I don't mind being asked because help Is a gift I can always afford to give.
But, anyway, um, Pete's family reunion Is this evening, and since I'm going to be Meeting his mom for the very first time, I could use my family there.
That's you guys.
- Ugh, booooring! - Oh Poor thing, she's taking this Max break-up pretty hard, huh? But you guys will be there, right? Please? - Oh, fine, I'll go.
It will help me get my green card If Rick and I are seen out as a couple.
- And I might make it if I can find a date.
- Ooh! I got a bite.
- She's trying to meet an old rich guy.
- Not trying, my friends.
Succeeding.
- What's he look like? - Look like? Oh, don't be shallow.
He's a billionaire! I accept.
- Look, I know this is awkward.
But I really am grateful.
- Oh, it works for both of us.
You get your green card, And I get the aura of an Alpha predator.
Who deserves nay, who takesan Alpha female.
- You really think being with me is going to get you girls? - Exhibit a.
The picture that I've been showing around town of us.
And exhibit b, the phone numbers of the women whose shoulders I will, as soon as we have broken up, Moisten with my tears.
I've also been showing around the ring that I got you.
- Oh, my goodness.
It's huge.
Let's hope that's not the last time I hear you say that.
Looks real, doesn't it? It, uh, also helps answer the question of "What's she doing with him?" - Mm.
Oh, just remember, stick to the script.
Where we met, families, morning routines.
No additions.
- Oh, you will sneak in a mention of my masterful Early morning lovemaking? - Green card, green card, green card, green card.
- Hi, I'm Ellen szymborska, Pete's cousin.
- Hi, I'm Joy.
Thanks again for coming.
I know what a big favor this is.
- Greetings, my lady.
I don't mean to embarrass you, But you are much too pretty to be an immigration lawyer.
- Oh! Isn't she? Show the ring.
- Okay, I think that's it for the preliminary paperwork.
- Good job, Ellen.
- Thank you, Rick.
But this is the easy part.
You still have to see ins, and they are going to grill you To prove that Joy's not marrying you for a green card.
- Oh, heh.
- As if! I love this guy.
So much.
- And I love you so much, baby.
- So, how did you two meet, anyway? - Oh, I can tell you exactly - I wanna tell, baby.
Sometimes I tack a sheet on the side of my garage, And hold an outdoor movie night for the neighbor kids.
- Oh! - Mm-Hmm.
- That's not how it happened - One night, I was showing dumbo, Which is my favorite movie.
- Oh, I love dumbo.
- Of course, so moving.
And, uh, Joy came over to, uh, complain about the noise.
- No, no.
- And I started crying.
Not because she yelled at me.
But because of the movie.
- Oh, how could anyone not cry at dumbo? - And for some reason, we just clicked.
Me, the most sentimental, Disney-loving softie on the planet, And this angry hothead who never cries.
- Oh, you.
That's not exactly how it happened.
- Wow, that's, like, the eighth time You've corrected him.
- Nols it? - Yeah.
- I'm a bitch.
- Oh! - Actually, I meant it's a good thing.
We can always tell a fake couple Because their stories are too consistent.
- Ah.
- You're a lucky woman, Joy.
- Especially early in the morning.
I mean, before 6:00.
- Yes.
We're all so lucky, really.
- See you tonight at the party.
I think I'm in love.
- Will you at least marry me before you start cheating? - Oh.
- Oh, she's gonna hate me.
I know it.
- Honey, how could anyone hate you? You'll be fine.
Just be you.
Is that really what you're wearing? - What? - I'm teasing.
- Girls don't like teasing.
It's worse than sex in the morning.
- Hey, uncle Ned.
- Relax, mom just wants to make sure you're not some Plastic Hollywood floozy.
- You're teasing again.
- Not really, no.
Mom's very old world.
Like, she's still mad at me for Dropping out of seminary to join the police force.
- Well, God's loss is my gain.
- Hmm.
- Disgusting! - I thought you said she was not a California floozy.
- Mom, hi.
- No, no, no.
Not after that.
- Melanie, this is my mother, Agnieszka.
- It's no nice to meet you.
Agnieszka.
That must be Polish for Agnes.
Like Agnes Morehead, the mean mother-in-law on bewitched.
Uh, not to say that you're mean.
Or a witch.
Did I say nice to meet you? - She's talkie, and much older than I thought.
And too skinny.
- Too skinny? I like her.
- Divorced.
So, you abandoned your duty to your husband.
- Well, actually, he was seeing other women.
- So, you are frigid.
- No! No, ask Pete.
I mean, don't ask Pete.
How would he know? Oh, why am I pretending? No, I'm not frigid.
I enjoy sex.
Hello again, father Ned.
Excuse me.
- Well, how's it going? - Just as I expected.
Your mom hates me.
- Don't take it personally, she's tough on everybody.
Well, except my brother Henry.
He was always the favorite, and I was like second-hand Pete.
I got all his old clothes.
Growing up I thought Henry szymborska was a brand.
- Aw.
You poor thing.
- Yeah.
- SoHere we are.
Honey.
- When I touch you, I sense every woman in the room Wondering why I'm not touching her.
More sex for future Rick.
Ah, speaking of which.
- Hey, you guys.
How's my favorite couple? - Oh, you know.
Just coupling out.
- Ohh.
So I spoke to a friend of mine at ins, And I think it's looking good.
- Oh, God.
What a relief! I can't wait for this to be over.
This ordeal, I mean.
It's been so hard on me and my Lord shackleton.
- Who? - It's her pet name for me.
He was Captain of the Endurance.
But don't worry about me.
I would go through anything for the sake of the woman I love.
- Joy, you have got quite the romantic on your hands.
- And you don't have a drink in yours.
Shall I remedy that? - Well, I would love that.
So charming.
- Yes, he's full of it.
Charm.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- How's it going with Pete's mum? - Oh, she hates me.
But she hates everyone from L.
A.
Thinks we're all gold diggers.
- Hm.
Fortunately, here's Victoria to put her fears to rest.
- Hurry up, Oscar.
He's not getting any lighter.
All right, my Captain.
We have arrived.
Just go park him over there.
- You carried that helpless old man in.
- I mean, seriously.
He's, like, 110.
- Oh, please.
That's not for months.
So how is it going with Pete's mom? Which one is she? - She's the one over there with a stick up her ass.
Father Ned.
- Elka? - Elka! This is perfect.
You can help me with Pete's mom.
You're Polish.
She's Polish.
You can kiss up to her in Polish.
Stay right here.
- I thought that you weren't coming.
- Well, I ran out of vodka.
And I thought I would come over here and freshen up my drunk.
- Hmm.
- We had a full bottle.
- I spilled some.
In my mouth.
Oh, too slow.
- Joy, come meet my boyfriend.
But hands off, he's brittle.
- Elka, Elka.
Mrs.
Szymborska, I would like you to meet a friend of mine.
This is Elka Ostrovsky.
Also Polish.
- So you think because we're both from Poland We're going to like each other.
- Yeah, wellKinda.
Heh heh.
Say something nice.
- And that goes double for me.
- Ooh, I think that's for me.
- Oh, my God.
Joy, look who just walked in.
- Well, I ran out of vodka at the house.
- No, we already know that.
No, I'm talking about him.
- It's Hank.
This is terrible.
- He looks all right to me.
- No, Hank's the plumber Melanie slept with The first day we were here.
- Yeah, the one who turned out to be married.
Now, we've gotta warn Melanie.
- But she's with Pete.
- Well, I guess our only choice is to just stay here And stare at Hank.
And imagine what he looks like naked.
- I'm way ahead of you.
- Finally, Henry's here! - Mama.
Mwah, mwah! - Hank! Hey, bro.
- Ha, ha, ha! Hank Is your brother? - Yeah, that's right.
I've been waiting for this forever.
"second-hand Pete" no more.
- Hank, say hello to my girlfriend, Melanie.
- Nice to meet you, Melanie.
- Yes, likewise.
Hank, was it? - Yeah.
- Honey, would you freshen my drink? - It's full.
- But it's not fresh.
- Hank, okay, listen.
Before you say anything, let's agree.
It never happened.
We don't know each other.
We're complete strangers.
- My God, you're beautiful.
- You're married, I'm dating your brother.
Why would you say that? - Because I have not stopped thinking about you Since that night on the boat.
I know it's wrong, and I love my brother.
But it doesn't change the way I feel.
- Yeah, but I don't feel that way about you.
- I don't believe you.
Meet me outside for a kiss.
Come on.
- Are you crazy? - Look, if you don't feel anything, fine.
I'll move on.
But if there's so much as a spark, I'm gonna keep after you 'till you're mine.
- Ohh.
Ooh! - What happened? Are you okay? - No, I feel like I'm in one of Victoria's edge of tomorrow's.
- Well, honor Saint raven did have a situation like this, But it wasn't the same because Hank isn't a re-animated corpse.
- Like your date.
- You know, the worst part is Pete just wants to rub me in Hank's face.
- I thought you already did that on his boat.
- Hank wants me to meet him outside, So he can kiss me and see if there's still a spark.
- That's a terrible idea.
- Do it, he's hot.
- I am gonna do it, but not because he's hot.
Because he promised if I felt nothing, Than he would just leave me alone.
I wish I could burp up some sausage.
- Mm.
- What a beautiful ring you gave her.
- Well, a beautiful hand deserves a beautiful ring.
- Ellen, would you excuse us for a moment? - Sure.
He's quite a keeper.
- Of course, some wild things can't be kept.
- Will you stop flirting with our lawyer? You're gonna ruin the whole thing.
- I'm just warming her up for later.
- You're overcooking her.
- Don't blame the fire for being hot.
- Okay, come on.
Let's get this over th.
Okay, if I don't feel anything, You promise to drop it, right? - I promise.
- Okay.
- Yeah, sorry.
Nothing.
- Hey, Melanie.
Please.
- You promised, Hank.
- Honey! - Don't call me honey.
- Hi, honey.
- Honey! You must be honey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Well, good, you were able to make it after all.
- Yeah.
- Uh, Melanie, this is my wife Linda.
Linda, this is Melanie.
Melanie is Pete's girlfriend.
- Oh, nice to meet you.
- So nice to meet you, too.
Yeah, Hank was just making sure that I'm the right girl.
For his baby brother.
And I hope now you have proof.
That Pete is the only man for me.
- Oh, well, Pete's a great guy.
So that's good to hear.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm lucky to have him.
- Hmm.
- As you two are lucky to have each other.
You know, 'cause as the kids say, Love is da bomb.
Do kids still say that? Discuss, gotta go.
- Your date doesn't look so hot.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Winston is an extremely handsome and dapper man Without any living heirs.
- No, I mean, he's not looking so alive.
oh, I'm just a little tired.
Oh Elka, can't you see that he just needs to rest? - I saw your lips move.
- darling, your friend smells like a still.
Oh, Winston.
You behave yourself.
Ooh, diamond encrusted.
- What's this note? "on the website you looked younger.
Take me home.
" - That's my Pete, that's my boyfriend! - Wow, I should play darts more often.
- Climb down from him! You're not at work, and he is not a pole.
- Well, actually he is a pole.
You're all poles.
Yeah, nothing? I give up.
- Your brother.
You would not see him with a girl like this.
- No, you know, mom, Hank's had a lot of things before me And better than me, but not Melanie.
um, excuse me, everybody.
I'd like to make a toast.
Tonight I feel like the luckiest guy in the world.
Having this wonderful woman by my side, and, uh Well To Melanie.
- Wait.
Before we drink, I need to say something about Melanie too.
The truth is - is so overrated.
Bottoms-up, everybody! Ha, ha! - I'm so happy that my little brother Has met a wonderful woman who is crazy about him.
To them.
- Nostrovia.
- I thought you were gonna tell everyone how You two hooked up on your boat The first night she got here.
- Well, now we know there are 15 ways To say "whore" in Polish.
- Such a beautiful language.
- And no more Pete.
I guess there's just no coming back from, "I slept with your brother.
" - I am so sorry, Melanie.
- Elka, it's okay.
Pete would have found out eventually.
So, I guess I lost a boyfriend.
- Well, at least you didn't lose a fiance to an ins lawyer.
And I lost the chance at a quick green card.
Still, better the long arm of the law Than the clammy hands of the Rick.
I think he sprained my finger pulling that ring off.
- Well, you two lost men.
I lost my mind.
I mean, if I'd married him, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror.
And who am I If I can't look at myself in the mirror? - So, we're four single girls on a Saturday night.
- Victoria! - Wait, that's not me.
- It's me.
I sent in a slightly younger picture of myself.
- A cave drawing? - I signed up when my bender was over.
In fact, that's my screen name.
"bender over.
" - Come on, avid, is that all you got? Move those little bird legs.