House Husbands (2012) s02e02 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 2
You are looking at your future dream home waiting to happen.
Do we really have to live here? Justin, it's a mess.
Hey, sometimes, you have to see things in terms of potential.
And that's where you guys come in.
Your father's left me.
Seems he's bonking another woman.
I want another one.
A baby.
Me too.
Really? Wait.
What? We can't, can we? Why? Not here.
Mmm.
Ow! It's go time.
What? What, it has to be now? I'm ovulating.
The magic window's open.
Magic? Oh Dad! I think I think there might be a small child in our magic window.
Uh, we've got a bit of a wee emergency.
OK, coming! Sorry.
- Um - Sorry.
Sorry, guys.
Sorry.
So, um when are you, um getting that hot-water system? Soon, yeah.
Pretty soon.
Yeah, pretty soon.
Can we afford a occasional care? Look, I can't have a baby onsite while we gut the back of the house.
Two days, that's all.
I'll write a cheque, and if it bounces, they might have to wait a bit.
Are we poor? What?! Of course not, mate.
No! Don't be silly.
I know you're doing it tough, boys, but trust me - it's worth it.
Dad's building a rumpus room.
How's that sound? Not as good as Poppy's.
Wow.
Tough crowd.
Keep your wig on.
She's coming! Well, I think it sounds even better than Poppy's.
I've gotta go.
Have fun.
Bye, boys! Bye! Let's go.
What, now? Let's go.
Does What Hang on, does it have to be now? Why not? Why can't we be spontaneous like Justin and Nicola? Well, we can be, with a little bit of planning.
I do like a man in a tool belt.
No, that's not a tool belt - that is a double-studded leather hammer holder.
Ooh.
What else does it hold? Nails.
Mmm.
Um nuts.
Mmm.
Dad! Ow! Poppy! Pop, you alright? What's the matter, darling? I lost my tooth.
Oh, look, don't worry - a little bit of blood's normal, OK? No, no, I really lost it down there.
Get it, Dad.
Please, please, please.
Look, I I think I think you've lost it, darling.
But, Dad, the tooth fairy won't come.
Try the S-bend, handyman.
I do know that.
Oh, who designed this thing, a leprechaun?! I I'm stuck here.
I'm stuck! I A bit of help, please! Ugh! Ohh! I think this might be a job for a plumber.
Wrench.
Wrench.
Wrench.
Wrench.
When you have resectioned a cancerous colon, taking apart a sink is nothing.
Now.
Eugh.
Eugh.
Thanks, Mum.
The tooth fairy pays $5 for front teeth.
What's she doing, selling them on the black market? That's cheap.
Felix Digby gets $10 a tooth.
Who's Felix Digby? No, wait, Tom! Ohh! You're Monkey wrench? Ooph.
Spanner? I think I need a break from the tools.
Screwdriver? Hey, let's get down to the real business of the day - these bad boys - voucher books! Now, I know what you're thinking - "How do I get my hands on some of this kind of action?" Well, for only 65 bucks a pop, you can have all the fun you can handle.
15% off facials.
Lewis, smooth out those frown lines.
2-for-1 surf lessons.
Mark, it's never too late.
And all the money goes to the P&C.
Yeah, what have we got? Nah, nah, nah, you're right, mate.
Nah, I can spare 65 bucks, mate.
P&C should start selling children's teeth - that's where the money is.
Yeah, it's that Felix Digby's fault.
What, you guys know about him? Kid with the golden teeth? His parents should be strung up and shot.
Rightio, grunts, let's move it out.
We've got a wall to demolish.
Mum, get out of the kitchen.
You're a guest.
You need to relax.
Me? I am relaxed.
Look - no bad vibes here.
Gone out the door.
You should be worrying about your father, who doesn't even know how to feed himself or turn the dishwasher on.
Ah, give him about a week till he comes crawling around begging me to come home.
Then there's his dodgy heart - he's probably back on the full-cream.
Uh, that reminds me - I'm gonna get some milk.
I'll be back.
Hey, Gem.
What are you doing here? I'm looking for my father.
I believe he used to live here.
Yeah, look, I know I should've called you.
I I didn't know what to say.
You don't need to apologise to me.
You need to grovel to Mum.
I'm not letting you two throw 45 years of marriage away over one stupid mistake.
You better come in.
Well, you look good.
That'll annoy Mum.
I bet.
Gem Wendy and me John.
Oh.
Hello, Gemma.
Hi, Mrs Stratton.
Wow.
You two are the same colour.
Bali - you know, we took a few days there.
We're in love.
You're in love with Mrs Stratton? Mmm.
Mum said this was a random fling.
A 40-year fling.
What? I'll leave you to it.
She's the love of my life.
Mrs Stratton isn't the love of your life - Mum's the love of your life.
You've gotta follow your heart, Gem.
What are you? 16? I am when I'm with Suze.
This house ain't big enough for the two of us, Mad Dog.
Them's fighting words, Super K.
Oi.
Who called smoko? And when you two are finished re-enacting 'The Good, the Bad and the Stupid', we've got walls to demolish.
Not you, Mad Dog.
You just keep clearing that crap to the skip.
How come I've got to do all the monkey work? Because you're the strongest, obviously.
I see what's happening here.
You don't trust me.
I trust you to take that timber to the skip.
One day, the little people are gonna rise up.
Have you made your little person yet? Doesn't just happen like that.
It did for us with Ange.
We weren't even trying.
Just a mongrel punt through the big sticks.
Bang.
It's lazy sperm.
A man gets to a certain age, testosterone starts to slow down.
Male menopause - read about it in 'The Age'.
Not having any hot flushes, are you, Mark? Forehead's a bit sweaty.
Ooh.
Mark, Lewis said not not that wall! Oh, shit, Mark! Turn the water off! II don't know where the mains are! Hey! Hey! Catch this! They're nappies - they absorb anything.
Get away from that! That's a load-bearing wall.
OK, the water's off.
Get out of there! Shit.
What now? That's asbestos.
Oh, shi Right, that's it.
Site's closed.
Everybody out.
Go.
Get going.
Her husband's funeral was the was the wake-up call.
Suze and I realised that life is too short.
You can't die wondering.
When you're in love, you're in love.
Just don't say that word.
I stuck by your mum.
You can't say I didn't do my time.
Your time? This is your marriage, Dad, it's not 'The Shawshank Redemption'.
The marriage is finished.
Your mum won't listen.
Do you know how many messages I've left that woman? We were together for 45 years.
And a lot of good things came out of that marriage.
You, for a start.
It's time to move on.
She can have the house and the cars and our savings.
She wants you, Dad.
I love Suze.
Tell her, Gem.
She'll listen to you.
Nah, no dust.
Yeah, cheers.
See you then.
I'm all wheezy.
That's a symptom, isn't it? Mesothelioma usually takes 30 years from the date of exposure.
Removal guys said they'd be here about 11:00.
Should take them two hours to get it all.
And what's the damage? Well, we don't know till they get it all, alright? Two, two and a half.
Suck it up.
That's what contingency's for.
You do have contingency, yeah? 10%, 7.
5%, 5%? No.
Are you telling me you don't have contingency? Gotta have contingency, mate.
Well, I'm sorry, mate - I wasn't really expecting some bloody doofus to put a sledgehammer through the wrong wall.
I Hey, I did you a favour.
They call asbestos the silent killer.
It's probably Oh, Mad Dog's got a point.
Listen, I'm going to the hardware store.
Nobody goes inside until I get back.
And you break anything else, I will pop-rivet your hands together.
Lewis! Wait, mate.
I'll come with you.
Hey, um What is wrong with you? $300 a week for that dog box? Next.
Wait, that one's got, like, a staircase in the middle of the bedroom.
Eugh! Dirty.
No.
Ohh.
This is strictly in the cone of silence.
If Dad finds out that I'm moving, it's gonna turn into another Lewis Crabb project.
You can't move in with someone you've met online.
You don't know a person till you see them face to face.
Even then, some people you never know.
Ah, prodigal daughter returns.
Did you milk the cow yourself? Oh, the milk.
Well, the store was out.
How's your dad? Maybe not now.
Go on.
We're all family here.
OK.
Mum, the Dad situation Yes? Has he called you? Well, the thing with Dad is that he was out.
Oh.
Gemma I have to go to work.
Ooh.
Ohh.
Banana? It's organic.
Kind of lost my appetite.
Thanks.
Sh Fire, flood and theft.
Nothing about contamination.
You know what? I'd be better off if the place just burned down.
Well, that's not gonna happen - it's full of asbestos.
Look, let me let me pay for it.
I can cover it.
Well, let me pay half.
I said I'll cover it.
Man, you just don't listen to people, do you? I just have to up the shifts at the pub, that's all.
I know I've stuffed up.
I just I'm just a bit off my game at the moment, you know, with this whole making babies thing.
It's doing my head in.
There's only so many times you can step up to the crease and strike out, you know? You're mixing up your sports.
First time me and Nic had sex we got pregnant with the twins.
Maybe you should sell your sperm on the internet.
Pay off the house in no time.
I mean, you must have a few career options.
You know, you could, I don't know training, coaching.
Maybe you could do the speaker circuit, like at the RSL, like, tell war stories.
Hey, Mark, if you really wanna help, then just just stop helping.
So they were totally at it in your shower? Don't laugh.
I feel like the whole world's shagging except me and Mark.
Oh, sorry, I didn't mean your dad.
Please, I don't think they're using Bali for the surf.
How do I tell Mum? It's 40 years, Abi.
And how could Dad choose that little house mouse over her? Oh, the quiet ones are the worst.
Please, on every level.
I've gotta go.
I promised Nicola I'd let her colour my hair.
She's getting back into it.
Her new boss is giving her a hard time about bringing in clients.
Mmm.
Hey, tell your mum.
A quick incision's a good incision.
Thanks.
Mate, if Justin asks, this hire equipment came from a mate.
What's with that? What's with what? The hard-arse routine.
What's wrong with Justine knowing you care? Mate, you pack like a girl.
Maybe I'll see some shoppers who are in a more generous mood.
I'm gonna flog these vouchers if it kills me.
Oi, Tom.
Lewis.
What? Trouble at the front or? Like herding cats, but we'll get there.
You've gotta teach your better half how to pack a truck.
Kane's here? Yeah.
He's off bothering shoppers with vouchers.
I've gotta get back.
Uh maybe don't mention that you saw me.
Our anniversary's coming up - I don't want him knowing I'm out buying presents.
Yeah, right.
I just got moved on by a cop for touting.
This is charity, people! Is everything OK? Oh, yeah, great.
Actually, my scalp's starting to sting a bit - that's normal, right? Yeah, yeah, let's, um Let's have a look.
Ah, it's taking really well.
Hey.
Oh.
Hey.
Looking good, Abi.
Hey, uh you got a sec? Uh, yeah.
What is it? Uh, nothing, just a minor setback.
Hey, maybe just don't come home for lunch.
Actually, definitely don't come home.
Um Mark kind of put a hole in a wall.
What did Mark do? Oh, he discovered that we had a small asbestos issue.
Asbestos? Yeah.
Don't stress - it's being removed as we speak.
Don't stress? Oh, it's kind of burning now.
Uh, Nicole FYI.
Oh, I'm fine.
I've just got a sensitive scalp.
This always happens.
Her name's Nicola, with an A, FYI.
Justin, please don't be rude to my boss.
You can't put up with that.
Yeah, I have to.
This job is paying for our house, which, apparently, is filled with asbestos.
They'll get it all, Nic.
We had asbestos removed in our place.
Quickly get this out, please.
Sorted.
Bye, Abi.
I'm so sorry.
Ooh, how exciting! New hair! Shit.
Shit! Shit! Shit! OK.
Yeah, hey.
Justin Baynie here.
My situation's kinda changed.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I was just, uh I was just wondering if you've got anything for me.
You right there, mate? I got that.
Lewis.
Lewis, stop it! Stop what? Taking the piss.
I know how to unpack a car and pack one, for your information.
I'm just trying to be friendly.
Well, don't.
It's creepy.
Fine.
Knock yourself out.
On top of it? Yeah, yeah, I've made some moves.
What's with Lewis today? One minute he's breaking your balls, the next he's your best friend.
Male menopause.
I heard that.
- Hi, darl.
What's up? - Well, it's not me.
I just found out that Dad's been banging the neighbour for well, I don't know, my whole life.
Does Wendy know? I'm working my way up to it.
Can you do me a favour and just keep her company till I get home.
Maybe soften her up a bit.
Sure.
Lucy.
This charming young man has been telling me he's looking for a place to live.
Oh.
Yeah, studio apartments are like hen's teeth.
I'm Jesse.
Mr Tuck.
I know.
I have a picture of you at home.
That Tilda drew for school, obviously.
I'm not a stalker.
Right.
Alright, girls, let's leave them in peace.
Who likes red frogs? Me! What are you doing? He's looking for a flat.
So how did you get landed with pick-up duty? Oh, it's actually no problem.
I like it.
Compared to all the other boring things I could be doing.
Not that this is boring.
So, you're not sold on a studio? Would you be interested in sharing? Yeah, maybe with, you know, the right person.
We could get a room.
Sorry, what? I mean a flat.
Oh, yeah.
With rooms with many rooms that we would share.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hi.
Justin, you know Mr Tuck, obviously 'cause he teaches your boys.
Hey, yeah.
We've, uh we've met.
Hi.
How you doing? Yeah.
OK, well, we're off, then.
Nice meeting you again.
See you.
See ya.
Come on, boys.
Bye.
Workmates.
Look, Mum, I know you don't want to hear this, but like I always say, a quick incision's a good incision.
I'm really sorry, but Dad's in love with Mrs Stratton.
And God, I am so bad at this.
You don't need to iron leggings.
How does a grown man know that? You'd be surprised what I know, Wendy.
Don't get too New-Aged on me, Lewis.
I always liked you a bit rough around the edges.
Like John.
He was always good with his hands too.
Isn't that right, Gem? Your dad could fix anything.
Remember the beach house? There he'd be, every weekend down at Rosebud working on it.
Wasn't afraid of work, that's for sure.
Of course, it was his friends that used it more than we ever did.
He was generous to a fault.
Mum, stop.
Dad's bonking Mrs Stratton.
They've been at it for 40 years and your marriage is over.
Oh, look.
30% off fish tacos in Ferntree Gully.
That sounds fun.
And this is strictly under the radar.
No press.
Yep.
This is cash-in-hand, yeah? Yeah, good.
Mm-hm.
The boys are sound asleep.
Ohh! I wonder what we should do? Mmm.
Maybe we could I don't know, um Mmm.
Maybe we can watch TV.
Are we OK? Yeah, sure.
Sure, yeah.
Actually there's a bloke.
He's an agent.
He's got a promotions gig for me.
But you hate doing that stuff.
Yeah, I know.
It's just it's just a one-off.
You don't have to do that.
We'll get by.
No, it's all good.
But, Mum, if you need to talk Nope, I think you pretty much summed things up.
Look, I really think we need to talk.
You need to talk.
I'm enjoying the music.
Lo siento, senorita, your card's been rejected.
Oh.
John usually tops this up.
He must have forgotten.
Yeah, of course.
I'll get it, Mum.
No, it's my shout.
Mum, if you can't afford it Listen, this is my treat, and you're going to let me pay for you.
Anyway, they've over-charged us.
We've got a voucher.
Look, it says here, fish is 30% off.
Uh, you had the crayfish, senora.
So, crayfish is a fish.
It's not called 'crayturtle' or 'craymonkey', is it? CrayFISH! Keep your voice down, please.
I will not keep my voice down.
I have been keeping my voice down for bloody 40 years! You tell him, Lewis.
Pedro, is it? It is in here.
Yeah, well, listen, Pedro, I don't know what they teach you down Mexico way, but everybody knows that crayfish is a fish.
Fine.
I'm gonna look that up, mate.
You're late.
I didn't realise I was on the clock.
No, I meant later than normal.
I would've waited to put dinner on.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
I had that, um seminar thing.
Alright.
Yeah.
How was it? What's that? Your seminar thing.
Yeah.
No, it was good.
Good.
How was your day? Very manly.
Lots of tools and wanton destruction.
Lewis was being like a real I'm just gonna have a shower.
Am I in trouble? What? No.
You've got your cross face on.
No, I don't.
Do I? Stupid bastard! Are you alright? Where do you put the bloody bags in this thing? It's a bagless vacuum, Mum.
And that is a coffee filter.
I'm a terrible wife, aren't I? Can't cook, can't clean.
Not like Floozy Susie.
Always creeping about with her date scones.
Mum, Dad did this, not you.
It takes two to tango.
Well, three.
How long have you known? Forever.
Ever.
Had a feeling.
Of course, you don't like to think the worst of the person you love.
So you just push your doubts aside and get on with things.
Suddenly, it's 40 years later.
Well, if Dad can't see what he's lost, then that's his problem.
And, Mum, I hate date scones.
Yeah.
Me too.
Oh, a reptile park in Cardwell.
You can pat the crocs.
Cardwell? You're not going all the way to Far North Queensland to pat a croc.
You sound just like your father.
This is my time now, and if I want to pat a croc or, who knows, pash some spunky young snake-handler, I'll bloody well do it, OK? Yeah, Mum, you go for it.
Mum's just booked herself a trip to Queensland.
50% off.
Hmm.
One way, is it? Heh.
I can't believe he'd cheat on her.
He was ducking down to Rosebud every weekend.
And Floozy Susie had a place down there too.
Duck a l'orange.
Kane cooked Tom duck a l'orange for their anniversary.
Damn, that was six months ago.
So? So, Tom wasn't out buying Kane an anniversary present.
He was doing the dirty with some young bloke.
Really? Oh, yeah.
Trust me.
I know the look of a bloke who's been busted.
Well, you gotta tell Kane.
None of my business, really.
Lewis, he's your mate.
What? He's he's a collateral mate.
He came with Mark.
I didn't pick him.
I like him but, well, he's not part of the inner circle.
Yeah, I'm sure you remember all the anniversary presents of your collateral mates.
You've gotta tell him.
Look at Mum.
Yeah, she's taken it really well.
At least she knows.
Baby.
Hey, wake up, you.
Mm-hm.
Oh! Ugh! Oh, no, sorry.
No, no, no, I didn't It's it's your hair, it's Horrible, I know.
Different.
What on earth did you do to the Baynies' wall? Don't you start.
It could have happened to anyone.
Uh-huh.
Do you know how they got pregnant with the twins straightaway? What did you expect? They're built like fertility idols.
Hey.
Hey.
Didn't get you up? Oh, no, no.
Hey, look, man, sorry about yesterday.
I shouldn't have gone off at you like that.
Hey, you were right about my options too - made some calls, got myself a gig.
That's great, mate.
Yeah.
What? Do you want a shower? Would you mind? Sit tight, partner.
He'll show.
Lewis? Are you stalking me or No, I was just passing through.
Thought we might get a bite to eat.
You and me? Well, yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Hop in.
You like tacos? In Ferntree Gully? Best in town.
Buckle up.
We've got a bit of a backlog.
Yeah, yeah.
Go, for your backlog.
Oh, nice hair.
Shit, it's worse than Nicola said.
Yeah, maybe don't say that.
OK.
Did you forget something? Um There's this, uh, job, um The agent sent me a contract.
It's a PR gig.
That's your area, right? I just want to make sure, you know, I have the rights to my image.
You know how that sort of thing goes viral.
So they want to pay you 1,500 to model some clothes? Not really clothes.
Sorry.
See, this is exactly why I don't do this shit.
Three Best and Fairest, one premiership, and this is what I'll be remembered for.
You know what - I always knew this celebrity caper was a circus.
Just never thought I'd end up the clown.
Come on.
You've done this before.
You know what to do - just hold your nose and take the cash.
I'm not that guy anymore, Mark.
No, this time you're not gonna blow your fee on booze and babes, you're gonna spend it on your family.
Give me your phone.
Why? Just give it to me.
OK.
What are you doing? Marketing, baby.
Yeah, hello.
Ed Hadley? Yeah, what kind of agent are you? This 1,500 you're offering my mate is a joke.
He is Justin Baynie, OK.
He is an AFL champion.
Mark No, no, no.
Don't worry about who this is.
You worry about doing your job, OK? If he doesn't get 5K, he is a no-show.
Give me that You have got 10 minutes to come up with that cash or you are fired.
No! What are you doing? Don't worry, he will call back.
No, Mark, bullshit.
Give me the phone.
Trust me, he will call back.
Don't make me hurt you, Mark.
Mark, give him the phone.
I promise you, he will call back.
He'd better.
How's your burrito? Quesadilla.
Same diff.
Haven't even touched your refried beans.
Hey, we didn't order that, Pedro.
On the casa, senor.
They think we're an item.
Doubt it.
You see two guys in an intimate situation, you jump to all sorts of conclusions.
I've got two words for you - duck a l'orange.
Man up and tell Kane, or I will.
11 minutes 20, 21, 22 OK, thank you.
Thanks, bub.
Thanks.
OK, you gave it your best shot.
Now call him back and apologise.
Yeah, come on, this is crazy.
Listen, he will call, OK? How do you know? Hello.
Ed! OK.
Righto.
Uh-huh.
How much you get? Five? Four? 1,500? Five-and-a-half grand.
You did it, Big Bear.
Whoo! Yay, baby! That's what I'm talking about! Come on! Bring it! Who's your daddy, Pop? You are! Yes, I am.
You get him to call me, too.
I'll get every cent out of him.
Hey thank you.
Hey, are you going past the school? Can you take Poppy? Yeah, sure.
Come on, Pop.
But I can't go till the tooth fairy comes.
I bumped into the tooth fairy and she asked me to give you something.
She asked me to give you this.
OK? Yes.
Wow.
Yes, see how Felix Digby feels about that.
Dad, you're such a silly-billy.
We just made Felix up.
Come on, Pop.
There goes my innocence.
Tell me something dirty, Mark.
Spreadsheets? Oh.
Vertical integration.
Uh-huh.
Bottom line.
Oh, yes.
How'd you go? Told her? Well, it's done.
It's not done.
We're not done.
You made me do your dirty work.
That's fair.
It's not fair.
You're meant to be my dad.
Gemma.
Gem! Your hammer holder was looking a bit lonely.
You can drive a nail, can't you? If I wasn't mildly insulted, I'd be touched.
Whoa.
What happened to you? Are you free? Oh, we were just finishing off this wall, so No, no, we're good, mate.
We're right.
Off you go.
OK, I'll leave you to it.
What's going on there? Duck a l'orange.
Ready? Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
Uh Socks? Yep.
What do you think? Yeah, it's good.
You sure? Yep.
It's not too much? Yep.
OK.
Oh, God.
Just think of your family.
Just think of them.
Let's hope it doesn't bounce.
Better not - the hot water's going in tomorrow.
Oo-ooh.
Thank you.
I know it must have sucked MC-ing in front of all those people.
Actually, there was there was a bit more to it.
Yes? Yeah.
I kinda had to jump out of a A car? Nope.
A plane? I wish.
A box.
Yep.
And all to replace a perfectly good wall.
The things you do for a mate.
Busted! Oh! Mark told me about your little tryst.
How could you? Kane? Are you OK? Oh.
Do you want to stay at mine? What? Stella's biological dad's back.
It's OK.
Do we really have to live here? Justin, it's a mess.
Hey, sometimes, you have to see things in terms of potential.
And that's where you guys come in.
Your father's left me.
Seems he's bonking another woman.
I want another one.
A baby.
Me too.
Really? Wait.
What? We can't, can we? Why? Not here.
Mmm.
Ow! It's go time.
What? What, it has to be now? I'm ovulating.
The magic window's open.
Magic? Oh Dad! I think I think there might be a small child in our magic window.
Uh, we've got a bit of a wee emergency.
OK, coming! Sorry.
- Um - Sorry.
Sorry, guys.
Sorry.
So, um when are you, um getting that hot-water system? Soon, yeah.
Pretty soon.
Yeah, pretty soon.
Can we afford a occasional care? Look, I can't have a baby onsite while we gut the back of the house.
Two days, that's all.
I'll write a cheque, and if it bounces, they might have to wait a bit.
Are we poor? What?! Of course not, mate.
No! Don't be silly.
I know you're doing it tough, boys, but trust me - it's worth it.
Dad's building a rumpus room.
How's that sound? Not as good as Poppy's.
Wow.
Tough crowd.
Keep your wig on.
She's coming! Well, I think it sounds even better than Poppy's.
I've gotta go.
Have fun.
Bye, boys! Bye! Let's go.
What, now? Let's go.
Does What Hang on, does it have to be now? Why not? Why can't we be spontaneous like Justin and Nicola? Well, we can be, with a little bit of planning.
I do like a man in a tool belt.
No, that's not a tool belt - that is a double-studded leather hammer holder.
Ooh.
What else does it hold? Nails.
Mmm.
Um nuts.
Mmm.
Dad! Ow! Poppy! Pop, you alright? What's the matter, darling? I lost my tooth.
Oh, look, don't worry - a little bit of blood's normal, OK? No, no, I really lost it down there.
Get it, Dad.
Please, please, please.
Look, I I think I think you've lost it, darling.
But, Dad, the tooth fairy won't come.
Try the S-bend, handyman.
I do know that.
Oh, who designed this thing, a leprechaun?! I I'm stuck here.
I'm stuck! I A bit of help, please! Ugh! Ohh! I think this might be a job for a plumber.
Wrench.
Wrench.
Wrench.
Wrench.
When you have resectioned a cancerous colon, taking apart a sink is nothing.
Now.
Eugh.
Eugh.
Thanks, Mum.
The tooth fairy pays $5 for front teeth.
What's she doing, selling them on the black market? That's cheap.
Felix Digby gets $10 a tooth.
Who's Felix Digby? No, wait, Tom! Ohh! You're Monkey wrench? Ooph.
Spanner? I think I need a break from the tools.
Screwdriver? Hey, let's get down to the real business of the day - these bad boys - voucher books! Now, I know what you're thinking - "How do I get my hands on some of this kind of action?" Well, for only 65 bucks a pop, you can have all the fun you can handle.
15% off facials.
Lewis, smooth out those frown lines.
2-for-1 surf lessons.
Mark, it's never too late.
And all the money goes to the P&C.
Yeah, what have we got? Nah, nah, nah, you're right, mate.
Nah, I can spare 65 bucks, mate.
P&C should start selling children's teeth - that's where the money is.
Yeah, it's that Felix Digby's fault.
What, you guys know about him? Kid with the golden teeth? His parents should be strung up and shot.
Rightio, grunts, let's move it out.
We've got a wall to demolish.
Mum, get out of the kitchen.
You're a guest.
You need to relax.
Me? I am relaxed.
Look - no bad vibes here.
Gone out the door.
You should be worrying about your father, who doesn't even know how to feed himself or turn the dishwasher on.
Ah, give him about a week till he comes crawling around begging me to come home.
Then there's his dodgy heart - he's probably back on the full-cream.
Uh, that reminds me - I'm gonna get some milk.
I'll be back.
Hey, Gem.
What are you doing here? I'm looking for my father.
I believe he used to live here.
Yeah, look, I know I should've called you.
I I didn't know what to say.
You don't need to apologise to me.
You need to grovel to Mum.
I'm not letting you two throw 45 years of marriage away over one stupid mistake.
You better come in.
Well, you look good.
That'll annoy Mum.
I bet.
Gem Wendy and me John.
Oh.
Hello, Gemma.
Hi, Mrs Stratton.
Wow.
You two are the same colour.
Bali - you know, we took a few days there.
We're in love.
You're in love with Mrs Stratton? Mmm.
Mum said this was a random fling.
A 40-year fling.
What? I'll leave you to it.
She's the love of my life.
Mrs Stratton isn't the love of your life - Mum's the love of your life.
You've gotta follow your heart, Gem.
What are you? 16? I am when I'm with Suze.
This house ain't big enough for the two of us, Mad Dog.
Them's fighting words, Super K.
Oi.
Who called smoko? And when you two are finished re-enacting 'The Good, the Bad and the Stupid', we've got walls to demolish.
Not you, Mad Dog.
You just keep clearing that crap to the skip.
How come I've got to do all the monkey work? Because you're the strongest, obviously.
I see what's happening here.
You don't trust me.
I trust you to take that timber to the skip.
One day, the little people are gonna rise up.
Have you made your little person yet? Doesn't just happen like that.
It did for us with Ange.
We weren't even trying.
Just a mongrel punt through the big sticks.
Bang.
It's lazy sperm.
A man gets to a certain age, testosterone starts to slow down.
Male menopause - read about it in 'The Age'.
Not having any hot flushes, are you, Mark? Forehead's a bit sweaty.
Ooh.
Mark, Lewis said not not that wall! Oh, shit, Mark! Turn the water off! II don't know where the mains are! Hey! Hey! Catch this! They're nappies - they absorb anything.
Get away from that! That's a load-bearing wall.
OK, the water's off.
Get out of there! Shit.
What now? That's asbestos.
Oh, shi Right, that's it.
Site's closed.
Everybody out.
Go.
Get going.
Her husband's funeral was the was the wake-up call.
Suze and I realised that life is too short.
You can't die wondering.
When you're in love, you're in love.
Just don't say that word.
I stuck by your mum.
You can't say I didn't do my time.
Your time? This is your marriage, Dad, it's not 'The Shawshank Redemption'.
The marriage is finished.
Your mum won't listen.
Do you know how many messages I've left that woman? We were together for 45 years.
And a lot of good things came out of that marriage.
You, for a start.
It's time to move on.
She can have the house and the cars and our savings.
She wants you, Dad.
I love Suze.
Tell her, Gem.
She'll listen to you.
Nah, no dust.
Yeah, cheers.
See you then.
I'm all wheezy.
That's a symptom, isn't it? Mesothelioma usually takes 30 years from the date of exposure.
Removal guys said they'd be here about 11:00.
Should take them two hours to get it all.
And what's the damage? Well, we don't know till they get it all, alright? Two, two and a half.
Suck it up.
That's what contingency's for.
You do have contingency, yeah? 10%, 7.
5%, 5%? No.
Are you telling me you don't have contingency? Gotta have contingency, mate.
Well, I'm sorry, mate - I wasn't really expecting some bloody doofus to put a sledgehammer through the wrong wall.
I Hey, I did you a favour.
They call asbestos the silent killer.
It's probably Oh, Mad Dog's got a point.
Listen, I'm going to the hardware store.
Nobody goes inside until I get back.
And you break anything else, I will pop-rivet your hands together.
Lewis! Wait, mate.
I'll come with you.
Hey, um What is wrong with you? $300 a week for that dog box? Next.
Wait, that one's got, like, a staircase in the middle of the bedroom.
Eugh! Dirty.
No.
Ohh.
This is strictly in the cone of silence.
If Dad finds out that I'm moving, it's gonna turn into another Lewis Crabb project.
You can't move in with someone you've met online.
You don't know a person till you see them face to face.
Even then, some people you never know.
Ah, prodigal daughter returns.
Did you milk the cow yourself? Oh, the milk.
Well, the store was out.
How's your dad? Maybe not now.
Go on.
We're all family here.
OK.
Mum, the Dad situation Yes? Has he called you? Well, the thing with Dad is that he was out.
Oh.
Gemma I have to go to work.
Ooh.
Ohh.
Banana? It's organic.
Kind of lost my appetite.
Thanks.
Sh Fire, flood and theft.
Nothing about contamination.
You know what? I'd be better off if the place just burned down.
Well, that's not gonna happen - it's full of asbestos.
Look, let me let me pay for it.
I can cover it.
Well, let me pay half.
I said I'll cover it.
Man, you just don't listen to people, do you? I just have to up the shifts at the pub, that's all.
I know I've stuffed up.
I just I'm just a bit off my game at the moment, you know, with this whole making babies thing.
It's doing my head in.
There's only so many times you can step up to the crease and strike out, you know? You're mixing up your sports.
First time me and Nic had sex we got pregnant with the twins.
Maybe you should sell your sperm on the internet.
Pay off the house in no time.
I mean, you must have a few career options.
You know, you could, I don't know training, coaching.
Maybe you could do the speaker circuit, like at the RSL, like, tell war stories.
Hey, Mark, if you really wanna help, then just just stop helping.
So they were totally at it in your shower? Don't laugh.
I feel like the whole world's shagging except me and Mark.
Oh, sorry, I didn't mean your dad.
Please, I don't think they're using Bali for the surf.
How do I tell Mum? It's 40 years, Abi.
And how could Dad choose that little house mouse over her? Oh, the quiet ones are the worst.
Please, on every level.
I've gotta go.
I promised Nicola I'd let her colour my hair.
She's getting back into it.
Her new boss is giving her a hard time about bringing in clients.
Mmm.
Hey, tell your mum.
A quick incision's a good incision.
Thanks.
Mate, if Justin asks, this hire equipment came from a mate.
What's with that? What's with what? The hard-arse routine.
What's wrong with Justine knowing you care? Mate, you pack like a girl.
Maybe I'll see some shoppers who are in a more generous mood.
I'm gonna flog these vouchers if it kills me.
Oi, Tom.
Lewis.
What? Trouble at the front or? Like herding cats, but we'll get there.
You've gotta teach your better half how to pack a truck.
Kane's here? Yeah.
He's off bothering shoppers with vouchers.
I've gotta get back.
Uh maybe don't mention that you saw me.
Our anniversary's coming up - I don't want him knowing I'm out buying presents.
Yeah, right.
I just got moved on by a cop for touting.
This is charity, people! Is everything OK? Oh, yeah, great.
Actually, my scalp's starting to sting a bit - that's normal, right? Yeah, yeah, let's, um Let's have a look.
Ah, it's taking really well.
Hey.
Oh.
Hey.
Looking good, Abi.
Hey, uh you got a sec? Uh, yeah.
What is it? Uh, nothing, just a minor setback.
Hey, maybe just don't come home for lunch.
Actually, definitely don't come home.
Um Mark kind of put a hole in a wall.
What did Mark do? Oh, he discovered that we had a small asbestos issue.
Asbestos? Yeah.
Don't stress - it's being removed as we speak.
Don't stress? Oh, it's kind of burning now.
Uh, Nicole FYI.
Oh, I'm fine.
I've just got a sensitive scalp.
This always happens.
Her name's Nicola, with an A, FYI.
Justin, please don't be rude to my boss.
You can't put up with that.
Yeah, I have to.
This job is paying for our house, which, apparently, is filled with asbestos.
They'll get it all, Nic.
We had asbestos removed in our place.
Quickly get this out, please.
Sorted.
Bye, Abi.
I'm so sorry.
Ooh, how exciting! New hair! Shit.
Shit! Shit! Shit! OK.
Yeah, hey.
Justin Baynie here.
My situation's kinda changed.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I was just, uh I was just wondering if you've got anything for me.
You right there, mate? I got that.
Lewis.
Lewis, stop it! Stop what? Taking the piss.
I know how to unpack a car and pack one, for your information.
I'm just trying to be friendly.
Well, don't.
It's creepy.
Fine.
Knock yourself out.
On top of it? Yeah, yeah, I've made some moves.
What's with Lewis today? One minute he's breaking your balls, the next he's your best friend.
Male menopause.
I heard that.
- Hi, darl.
What's up? - Well, it's not me.
I just found out that Dad's been banging the neighbour for well, I don't know, my whole life.
Does Wendy know? I'm working my way up to it.
Can you do me a favour and just keep her company till I get home.
Maybe soften her up a bit.
Sure.
Lucy.
This charming young man has been telling me he's looking for a place to live.
Oh.
Yeah, studio apartments are like hen's teeth.
I'm Jesse.
Mr Tuck.
I know.
I have a picture of you at home.
That Tilda drew for school, obviously.
I'm not a stalker.
Right.
Alright, girls, let's leave them in peace.
Who likes red frogs? Me! What are you doing? He's looking for a flat.
So how did you get landed with pick-up duty? Oh, it's actually no problem.
I like it.
Compared to all the other boring things I could be doing.
Not that this is boring.
So, you're not sold on a studio? Would you be interested in sharing? Yeah, maybe with, you know, the right person.
We could get a room.
Sorry, what? I mean a flat.
Oh, yeah.
With rooms with many rooms that we would share.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hi.
Justin, you know Mr Tuck, obviously 'cause he teaches your boys.
Hey, yeah.
We've, uh we've met.
Hi.
How you doing? Yeah.
OK, well, we're off, then.
Nice meeting you again.
See you.
See ya.
Come on, boys.
Bye.
Workmates.
Look, Mum, I know you don't want to hear this, but like I always say, a quick incision's a good incision.
I'm really sorry, but Dad's in love with Mrs Stratton.
And God, I am so bad at this.
You don't need to iron leggings.
How does a grown man know that? You'd be surprised what I know, Wendy.
Don't get too New-Aged on me, Lewis.
I always liked you a bit rough around the edges.
Like John.
He was always good with his hands too.
Isn't that right, Gem? Your dad could fix anything.
Remember the beach house? There he'd be, every weekend down at Rosebud working on it.
Wasn't afraid of work, that's for sure.
Of course, it was his friends that used it more than we ever did.
He was generous to a fault.
Mum, stop.
Dad's bonking Mrs Stratton.
They've been at it for 40 years and your marriage is over.
Oh, look.
30% off fish tacos in Ferntree Gully.
That sounds fun.
And this is strictly under the radar.
No press.
Yep.
This is cash-in-hand, yeah? Yeah, good.
Mm-hm.
The boys are sound asleep.
Ohh! I wonder what we should do? Mmm.
Maybe we could I don't know, um Mmm.
Maybe we can watch TV.
Are we OK? Yeah, sure.
Sure, yeah.
Actually there's a bloke.
He's an agent.
He's got a promotions gig for me.
But you hate doing that stuff.
Yeah, I know.
It's just it's just a one-off.
You don't have to do that.
We'll get by.
No, it's all good.
But, Mum, if you need to talk Nope, I think you pretty much summed things up.
Look, I really think we need to talk.
You need to talk.
I'm enjoying the music.
Lo siento, senorita, your card's been rejected.
Oh.
John usually tops this up.
He must have forgotten.
Yeah, of course.
I'll get it, Mum.
No, it's my shout.
Mum, if you can't afford it Listen, this is my treat, and you're going to let me pay for you.
Anyway, they've over-charged us.
We've got a voucher.
Look, it says here, fish is 30% off.
Uh, you had the crayfish, senora.
So, crayfish is a fish.
It's not called 'crayturtle' or 'craymonkey', is it? CrayFISH! Keep your voice down, please.
I will not keep my voice down.
I have been keeping my voice down for bloody 40 years! You tell him, Lewis.
Pedro, is it? It is in here.
Yeah, well, listen, Pedro, I don't know what they teach you down Mexico way, but everybody knows that crayfish is a fish.
Fine.
I'm gonna look that up, mate.
You're late.
I didn't realise I was on the clock.
No, I meant later than normal.
I would've waited to put dinner on.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
I had that, um seminar thing.
Alright.
Yeah.
How was it? What's that? Your seminar thing.
Yeah.
No, it was good.
Good.
How was your day? Very manly.
Lots of tools and wanton destruction.
Lewis was being like a real I'm just gonna have a shower.
Am I in trouble? What? No.
You've got your cross face on.
No, I don't.
Do I? Stupid bastard! Are you alright? Where do you put the bloody bags in this thing? It's a bagless vacuum, Mum.
And that is a coffee filter.
I'm a terrible wife, aren't I? Can't cook, can't clean.
Not like Floozy Susie.
Always creeping about with her date scones.
Mum, Dad did this, not you.
It takes two to tango.
Well, three.
How long have you known? Forever.
Ever.
Had a feeling.
Of course, you don't like to think the worst of the person you love.
So you just push your doubts aside and get on with things.
Suddenly, it's 40 years later.
Well, if Dad can't see what he's lost, then that's his problem.
And, Mum, I hate date scones.
Yeah.
Me too.
Oh, a reptile park in Cardwell.
You can pat the crocs.
Cardwell? You're not going all the way to Far North Queensland to pat a croc.
You sound just like your father.
This is my time now, and if I want to pat a croc or, who knows, pash some spunky young snake-handler, I'll bloody well do it, OK? Yeah, Mum, you go for it.
Mum's just booked herself a trip to Queensland.
50% off.
Hmm.
One way, is it? Heh.
I can't believe he'd cheat on her.
He was ducking down to Rosebud every weekend.
And Floozy Susie had a place down there too.
Duck a l'orange.
Kane cooked Tom duck a l'orange for their anniversary.
Damn, that was six months ago.
So? So, Tom wasn't out buying Kane an anniversary present.
He was doing the dirty with some young bloke.
Really? Oh, yeah.
Trust me.
I know the look of a bloke who's been busted.
Well, you gotta tell Kane.
None of my business, really.
Lewis, he's your mate.
What? He's he's a collateral mate.
He came with Mark.
I didn't pick him.
I like him but, well, he's not part of the inner circle.
Yeah, I'm sure you remember all the anniversary presents of your collateral mates.
You've gotta tell him.
Look at Mum.
Yeah, she's taken it really well.
At least she knows.
Baby.
Hey, wake up, you.
Mm-hm.
Oh! Ugh! Oh, no, sorry.
No, no, no, I didn't It's it's your hair, it's Horrible, I know.
Different.
What on earth did you do to the Baynies' wall? Don't you start.
It could have happened to anyone.
Uh-huh.
Do you know how they got pregnant with the twins straightaway? What did you expect? They're built like fertility idols.
Hey.
Hey.
Didn't get you up? Oh, no, no.
Hey, look, man, sorry about yesterday.
I shouldn't have gone off at you like that.
Hey, you were right about my options too - made some calls, got myself a gig.
That's great, mate.
Yeah.
What? Do you want a shower? Would you mind? Sit tight, partner.
He'll show.
Lewis? Are you stalking me or No, I was just passing through.
Thought we might get a bite to eat.
You and me? Well, yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Hop in.
You like tacos? In Ferntree Gully? Best in town.
Buckle up.
We've got a bit of a backlog.
Yeah, yeah.
Go, for your backlog.
Oh, nice hair.
Shit, it's worse than Nicola said.
Yeah, maybe don't say that.
OK.
Did you forget something? Um There's this, uh, job, um The agent sent me a contract.
It's a PR gig.
That's your area, right? I just want to make sure, you know, I have the rights to my image.
You know how that sort of thing goes viral.
So they want to pay you 1,500 to model some clothes? Not really clothes.
Sorry.
See, this is exactly why I don't do this shit.
Three Best and Fairest, one premiership, and this is what I'll be remembered for.
You know what - I always knew this celebrity caper was a circus.
Just never thought I'd end up the clown.
Come on.
You've done this before.
You know what to do - just hold your nose and take the cash.
I'm not that guy anymore, Mark.
No, this time you're not gonna blow your fee on booze and babes, you're gonna spend it on your family.
Give me your phone.
Why? Just give it to me.
OK.
What are you doing? Marketing, baby.
Yeah, hello.
Ed Hadley? Yeah, what kind of agent are you? This 1,500 you're offering my mate is a joke.
He is Justin Baynie, OK.
He is an AFL champion.
Mark No, no, no.
Don't worry about who this is.
You worry about doing your job, OK? If he doesn't get 5K, he is a no-show.
Give me that You have got 10 minutes to come up with that cash or you are fired.
No! What are you doing? Don't worry, he will call back.
No, Mark, bullshit.
Give me the phone.
Trust me, he will call back.
Don't make me hurt you, Mark.
Mark, give him the phone.
I promise you, he will call back.
He'd better.
How's your burrito? Quesadilla.
Same diff.
Haven't even touched your refried beans.
Hey, we didn't order that, Pedro.
On the casa, senor.
They think we're an item.
Doubt it.
You see two guys in an intimate situation, you jump to all sorts of conclusions.
I've got two words for you - duck a l'orange.
Man up and tell Kane, or I will.
11 minutes 20, 21, 22 OK, thank you.
Thanks, bub.
Thanks.
OK, you gave it your best shot.
Now call him back and apologise.
Yeah, come on, this is crazy.
Listen, he will call, OK? How do you know? Hello.
Ed! OK.
Righto.
Uh-huh.
How much you get? Five? Four? 1,500? Five-and-a-half grand.
You did it, Big Bear.
Whoo! Yay, baby! That's what I'm talking about! Come on! Bring it! Who's your daddy, Pop? You are! Yes, I am.
You get him to call me, too.
I'll get every cent out of him.
Hey thank you.
Hey, are you going past the school? Can you take Poppy? Yeah, sure.
Come on, Pop.
But I can't go till the tooth fairy comes.
I bumped into the tooth fairy and she asked me to give you something.
She asked me to give you this.
OK? Yes.
Wow.
Yes, see how Felix Digby feels about that.
Dad, you're such a silly-billy.
We just made Felix up.
Come on, Pop.
There goes my innocence.
Tell me something dirty, Mark.
Spreadsheets? Oh.
Vertical integration.
Uh-huh.
Bottom line.
Oh, yes.
How'd you go? Told her? Well, it's done.
It's not done.
We're not done.
You made me do your dirty work.
That's fair.
It's not fair.
You're meant to be my dad.
Gemma.
Gem! Your hammer holder was looking a bit lonely.
You can drive a nail, can't you? If I wasn't mildly insulted, I'd be touched.
Whoa.
What happened to you? Are you free? Oh, we were just finishing off this wall, so No, no, we're good, mate.
We're right.
Off you go.
OK, I'll leave you to it.
What's going on there? Duck a l'orange.
Ready? Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
Uh Socks? Yep.
What do you think? Yeah, it's good.
You sure? Yep.
It's not too much? Yep.
OK.
Oh, God.
Just think of your family.
Just think of them.
Let's hope it doesn't bounce.
Better not - the hot water's going in tomorrow.
Oo-ooh.
Thank you.
I know it must have sucked MC-ing in front of all those people.
Actually, there was there was a bit more to it.
Yes? Yeah.
I kinda had to jump out of a A car? Nope.
A plane? I wish.
A box.
Yep.
And all to replace a perfectly good wall.
The things you do for a mate.
Busted! Oh! Mark told me about your little tryst.
How could you? Kane? Are you OK? Oh.
Do you want to stay at mine? What? Stella's biological dad's back.
It's OK.