House of Fools (2014) s02e02 Episode Script

# Today's the day Ping ping hey hey # Of Erik's girlfriend's birthday # I'm cleaning the house Cos they're on their way # Ping ping hey hey Ping ping hey hey # Ooooh! # Today's the day Ping ping hey hey # That I become a tattooist # Got Botox too Ping ping poo poo # Hey hey ping ping Ping pong ping poo.
# Ah, there you go Julie, the first customer in my pop-up tattoo and Botox parlour.
Are you happy? Oh, yes, Vic, I didn't feel a thing ping ping.
So where did you get your Botox from? I found it at the bottom of that box full of tattooing equipment.
What? Who? Why? When and where et cetera and ping ping pong? Sharon Osbourne's house.
Sharon Osbourne's house? What, did she give it to you? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, and when was this? Yesterday.
No, it wasn't, Vic.
They were on holiday yesterday.
Oh, yes, they just got back today from the funny farm.
There you go.
Oh, Vic, you little twister.
You little crunchy, crunchy, crunch.
You've been up to your tricks again, stealing stuff, you and Bosh, haven't you? Yeah, well, she's got buckets of the stuff.
She's not going to miss it.
And hold on, Vic.
This Botox is well past its use-by date.
Yeah, but so are you and I still use you, don't I? Yeah.
No, the sell-by date is there for a reason, Vic.
God knows what the side effects of this could be.
Side effects? What fun.
Yeah, but, Julie, you won't be saying that if you grow a trunk, will you? I will.
So, Vic, how much younger do you think I'll look? Well, you won't look a lot younger, Julie, but you will look a lot more alert and surprised.
Fabulous, because there's a new fishmonger in town and I want to look surprised and startled when he shows me his turbot.
Yeah, well, this stuff will do the trick.
Have you not seen Madam Osbourne's surprised expression when Louis gets his chod out of his lunchbox? Oh, I love chod.
I haven't had any chod for ages.
Oh, hey, I say, are you two talking about chod? Yes.
I love chod.
Yeah.
I love chod.
When was the last time you had a bit of chod in you? Oh, well, I try and get some chod inside me at least once a week, Vic, obviously.
Hey, twice a week, bank holidays.
I love chod.
Has it happened yet? No, it'll take a couple of hours yet, Julie, but you know, just take your time, go off and relax, have a cup of tea, have a nice relaxing poo.
Outrageous.
Something's happening.
Right I'll see you later.
You might not recognise me.
See you, Julie.
Oh, I hope Julie's going to be all right with that dodgy Botox, Vic, you know.
And I don't really want stolen property in here, you know.
It's Erik's girlfriend's first time round the flat, I want to make a good impression.
Could you get rid of it? That'd be nice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's with this melon here, son? Oh, that's just something I got for her birthday party.
It's a melon right, but with a picture of me on it, you know.
I thought, like, it would be a good introduction to my way of life and the way that I think.
It's a It's a nice idea, isn't it? Yes really nice, I mean what young lady wouldn't want a melon with your face on it? No, no.
Exactly what I thought, yeah.
Hey, next year when you get to know her a bit better you could get her, I don't know, a cabbage.
That's not a bad idea.
Yeah.
Yeah, but what would I draw on it? Your arse? Oh, yes, yes.
Yeah, that could work, it could work.
Go on, let's get rid of this stuff.
Look, hang on, I'm working on a new tattoo design, thank you.
Hey, what? What are you doing, Beef? You've got to help me, you must hide me, you must protect me.
Oh, Beef, what are you doing? I am doomed.
I am a dead man walking.
Beef, song? What? Song? Please.
Oh, yes.
Honestly.
# I washed the dishes with another man's missus # That is a euphemism # When I put the plug in I let the lovin' begin # And now he's on his way round # To kill meeeeeeeeee! # All right, Beef, calm down.
Someone wants to kill you, I've got that much, but what has happened? He's on his way round now.
He's known as the Bradford Butcher.
He is a colossus of a man, a man without qualms, a jealous, hideous monster.
And he's on his way round to kill me.
Why do you go with these women, Beef? But you haven't seen her.
She is the most beautiful thing the Lord Jesus has put down for us.
As beautiful .
.
as this lady? Hold on.
Whoo Come back.
And what is your name? Kind sir, my name is Fiona Finger Biscuits.
And look what I can do.
A gymnast? Imagine the possibilities.
Hang on.
Hold your horses.
This is a hand.
Your hand! Now listen, Vic, I would never sleep with another man's lady, I mean.
That's exactly what you've done, isn't it, Beef? That's what's got you into all this trouble again.
Damn these sexual impulses! Hello, you two, and, Rachel, may I congratulate you on securing a new regular part in the series.
Thank you very No, no, no, don't you dare speak.
Let me get you a drink, you new, regular twat.
Hi, guys.
How are you? And happy birthday, Rachel.
Oh, hi, Julie, you look great.
Thank you.
And how's your day been having a aas a day goes, up until now, happy birthday? We went to the aquarium to see the flat fish.
Rachel, she loves flat fish.
Yes, the flatter the better I always say.
I hate round things.
I love flat things.
Oh, I love flat things too.
Do you like paper? That's very flat.
Yeah, but paper is good.
A4, A3, A5, I don't mind.
Exactly my point.
Um, so did you have a lovely time? What did you get up to next? We went to an embankment.
Was it nice? It was OK, we had a crap.
I beg your pardon.
A crepe, it's a low, flat French pancake.
Very, very, very flat.
Oh, yes, it is very flat, isn't it? Yes, not round.
Very flat.
So are you two? Sorry, that's too high pitched.
Are you two? You two, excuse me, are you two going to help me get this place ready for Rachel's party? I am just showing Beef the tattooing equipment.
Yeah, that's what the bot flies do when I spray them, now get rid of this muck, will you? So, where was I? This is the ink, or paint, if you like, and it goes down this tube here and comes up there, goes through that stuff and then comes out at this thing which is What's that called? The pointy end.
Does it have a name? It's the pointy end! Oh, there's something funny No, no, it's You're very technical, it kind of went over my head a little bit there.
Yeah, yeah.
It's just ordinary emulsion paint, is it? Yeah, just ordinary paint you get from an ironmongers, you know, a hardware store.
You obviously know what you're doing.
Well, yeah, fair, pretty, pretty much, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll tell you what, Bob, why don't you be a customer in my tattoo shop? Yeah, all right.
All right, then.
Come in.
Hello, sir, welcome to my tattoo shop, Inkontats.
Oh, hello, there, um Lovely shop by the way, but could I just ask, Inkontats? Inkontats.
Sounds like income tax.
Oh, right.
No, it does.
So, do you do income tax advice as well, then, yeah? That's That's No.
No, you don't.
Oh, that's a pity, just given the name, you know, that's a shame.
All right, then.
Sir, you want a tattoo design, but you're not quite sure of what you want.
Hmm, yeah, that's right about where I'm at.
I might be able to help.
What's your name, sir? The name's Bob.
Bob.
Hmm Oh, he's having a think.
How about this.
What about having a 'B' tattooed on each buttock.
Right.
So that when you bend over, it spells Bob.
No, lads, it wouldn't work because with me it would actually spell Boob.
So, what did you do next? Well, then we went to B&Q to check out the lino and hardboard.
These are very flat things, very, very, very, very, flat.
And how was that? It was great, everything was so freaking flat.
Erik had a fit when he saw them.
So, did you get nice presents? I think my dozy father has got her a present.
As long as it's something flat, like a spatchcock chicken, the flattest of all the poultry.
Yes, or like Vic Reeves' abs.
Oh, yes.
As long as it's nothing round.
What is it? A scribble, do you like it? That's the Bradford Butcher, he's come round to kill me for having a carnal afternoon with his wife.
Well, quick, hide.
Bob, you've got to hide me! Yeah, well, hide in the washing machine.
How? Employ the Zimmerman procedure.
The Zimmerman procedure.
Bend down, Beef.
Bob, commence the procedure.
Fire.
Yes! It's all right lads, it's only Bosh.
Sorry, love.
Bad news.
What? A copper's been asking about the break-in at the Osbournes' and he's got a description that sounds exactly like us.
It was us.
I can hear what you're saying, you know, I can hear what you're saying.
This day is already turning into shit on biscuits, isn't it? Hey, someone's coming round to murder Beef.
The coppers are coming to arrest you.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to hold a birthday party for Erik's girlfriend.
Come on, get rid of this stuff.
No, not till Vic's finished my tattoo, like, you twat.
Anyway, it'll be ages till that copper comes here, he's half a mile away, which is hundreds of metres in new length.
Yes, it's a fair way.
Have you already started the tattoo, like? Yeah.
Yeah, well go on, then.
But be by quickly.
Will do.
Oh, forgot Beef's still in the washing machine.
Unbelievable.
Sorry, Beef.
Unusual moment, there.
It would appear that Beef has shrunk in the wash.
On reflection we should have used a delicate cycle at the very least, a light wool wash.
That's the end of this scene, over to Julie's Bistro.
I must say you make such a lovely couple, not like me and my first husband, Roger.
No, it was a disaster.
He was a dancer in the Royal Ballet and every night he had a terrible performance and he'd come back and thrash me with his tights.
I was so sad, so depressed.
I wanted to take my own life.
That is terrible, Julie, but don't worry I'm sure there will be plenty more animals visiting the watering hole.
Fingers crossed.
Bob.
Bob, tongue.
Oh, thanks.
Nice wrapping by the way.
Very nice wrapping.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, Vic, I'm really worried about what effect that Botox is going to have on Julie.
Bob, don't worry.
Botox, plastic surgery, you're going to look fine in the long run, aren't you? Remember what we looked like before we had our NHS nose jobs? Cheers.
Cheers.
Yeah, yeah, I suppose, I suppose.
How's it going over there? It's not going very well.
Let's have a look.
It's not working, there's no ink coming out.
I wonder if it would work better if you turned it on.
Maybe that's where I'm going wrong.
Well, it could be, it's just a suggestion.
I'll have a look.
Argh! Oh, get back to the moon! Don't panic, it's me, Beef.
It's the perfect disguise to fool the Bradford Butcher.
I found this Michael Jackson mask under the stairs.
You.
You.
You.
Me.
Him.
Him.
Him.
Him.
Whoa, whoa, Beef look what you've done, you've broken the banister! It won't be the first time.
And it won't be the last.
Get up, get your head up.
Cometake it.
Come here, get this mask off.
What? The Bradford Butcher.
Hide in my pocket, Beef.
No, no, no.
Quick, Beef, sit on this chair.
Do as he tells you.
I'm going to get on his shoulders.
Bosh, hand me that throw from the sofa.
It's not the Bradford Butcher, it's a copper for you two.
Do something.
Bosh, hand me that biscuit tin and that gaffer tape there.
Come on.
Be in stag bull procedure.
Are you ready? Yes.
Oh, hello, officer, what a surprise.
Yes, just routine enquiries, sir, I won't take up your time.
I can see you've got some foreign visitors Yeah.
Hello, officer.
I have just arrived from Persia.
Came on, upstairs on a Jumbo jet, free sausages all the way, lovely.
Would you mind putting that away, sir? That's an offence, not a greeting in this country.
Ten thousand apologies.
Your wish is my command.
And who are you? Oh, officer, officer, that's er, that's my cousin.
He's a Viet Cong, actually.
He's just come over to this country to see if he can open a greeting cards shop.
That's right, isn't it, cousin? There you go.
He's got a striking resemblance to Michael Jackson.
Yeah, he has, hasn't he, officer? He has.
So how can I help you anyway, officer? Well, there's been a theft from the house over the road by the laundrette.
Oh, dear.
That singer from Black Sabbath had all his tattoo equipment stolen.
And he's really upset.
Is he? No, Ozzy.
No, you caught me.
I do a bit of stand-up on the side, like.
They call me Bobby Helmet.
You should come and see me.
Yeah, we will, won't we, lads? Yeah.
Anyway, as well as the tattoo equipment, there were some chemicals belonging to his wife, Sharon, that were also taken.
Oh.
And we don't want them falling into the wrong hands.
I'm asking everyone to keep an eye out for them.
You disgusting pig.
Sorry you feel that way, sir.
OK, officer, of course we'll keep our eyes peeled for the culprit.
Thank you so much for informing us about it, and good luck in finding them.
But you married again, Julie? Oh, yes, that was also a disaster.
My second husband, Adrian, I loved very much, but he died at the altar.
Oh, whoops-a-daisy.
Yes, he was a big man and he landed backwards on the page boy and killed him instantly and it was awful.
He was also my nephew, very, very sad indeed.
And, after the fall, your nephew, how do I say this, was he very flat? Yes.
I say, Bob.
Hmm.
Tongue.
Thank you, sorry about that.
Oh, yeah, I'm finished.
I'm really happy with the way that looks, like.
Really? Aye.
Let's have a look at it then, come on.
How does it look? Fantastic.
Have a look, lads.
Come on let's have a look.
I can't wait.
What? Well, that head's a fair size.
Yeah, it's big.
Like the head's, you know, it's big, but I suppose that's Clarkson, isn't it? Go on, show Bosh.
Show Bosh, go on.
Here.
Oh, Vic, I absolutely love it.
It's massive.
And it looks like he's peeping over a wall, which is how I always like to imagine him.
Yeah, and if you put your thieving gloves in Yeah.
.
.
it'll look like he's peeping over a wall even more.
Oh, yeah! He's staring into Richard Hammond's bedroom window.
Yeah, like we do! Bob.
What? The Bradford Butcher.
No, it might be the copper.
It's not the copper.
It's not the copper, so it's the Bradford Butcher.
You've got to help me.
I'm going to move this sofa round here .
.
to these marks here.
Beef, you sit on the sofa.
Bosh, straddle him.
Hey, presto! Exactly my sentiments, are you ready? Yeah.
Oh, it's Erik.
Hey, Vic, who the hell is this short guy with the massive hat? Erik, it's all right, it's just Bosh and Beef enjoying a little bit of adult fun.
Come on.
Get up, Beef, it's just Erik.
Winkle, winkle, little tinkle.
We should leave for Monaco immediately.
Hey, you.
Hey, asshole, that's my girlfriend.
Yeah, all right, you two.
Leave it out, Beef.
This is what got you into trouble in the first place.
You three, could you get out into the kitchen please, I want to give Rachel her present.
Thank you.
Go on, off you go.
Go on! Welcome to my home.
Rachel, if you'd like to take a seat on the sofa.
OK, here goes, then, here's your present.
# Happy birthday to you-oooo! # Happy birthday # Dear Rach-ellll # Happy birth-daaaaay to you.
# You open it now, Rachel.
I hope you like it.
Urgh, urgh, urgh! What? It's so round! What's the matter? Do something! You insensitive bastard father.
What are you doing, Erik? What are you doing? Don't you know that her father was killed by a beach ball.
Ever since then she likes to be surrounded by flat things.
- I didn't know that.
- Oh, hello Research! I mean, Erik I mean, it's pretty flat now, isn't it? Oh, fuck off! Come on, Rachel, let's go upstairs and get flat.
I don't know why I bother.
You lot, you lot, come through from the kitchen, please.
Why? Well, just come through, please.
No, no, no.
Why? I'd just like you to come through into the lounge, please.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Say why? Right, I need you to come through.
No, no, no, no, no! You misunderstand.
Just say why.
Why? I need you to come through so I can move the story on.
Are you happy now? Yeah.
Right, well Yeah, Beef, get out.
You've just told me to come in.
Yeah, I told you to come in so I can tell you to get out.
Go on.
And you two clean up that nicked stuff and get it out of the house, go on.
Do it now! Is that you, Julie? Hi, guys.
So, what do you think? I look younger, don't I? Who do you think I look like? So, Julie, who were you hoping to look like? Sharon Osbourne.
Ah, well.
Of course, yes.
Oh, Mrs Osbourne.
Hello, officer.
Ah, yes, officer, Mrs Osbourne came round to collect this stolen equipment that I retrieved from a very naughty um .
.
horse.
Well, I'm glad to hear that storyline resolved itself.
Evening, folks! I'm Alan Hargreaves! The Butcher of Bradford! I'm looking for Beef.
Well, you would be, you're a butcher.
Right.
Which one of you's Beef? I am Beef.
I am Beef.
I am Beef.
I am not Beef.
Right, so it's you.
Don't hurt me, I'm Elton John's bit on the side.
I believe you.
You've also been having a bit of dalliance with my mother.
Your mother? Yeah.
And you know what? I am absolutely thrilled to bits for her.
I mean, at her age and her condition, you know, she doesn't get many takers.
Did you know it's her birthday today? No.
Could you give her this telegram? It's from the Queen.
Make sure she gets it, stepfather! Telegram from the Queen? 100th birthday.
His mother! Beef.
Well, you've got to get it where you can.
# Oh, didn't we have a lovely day The day I became an Osbourne # So what happens next? Ping, ping, hey, hey! # We smoke a pipe with Jeremy Clarkson #