House of Lies s02e02 Episode Script

Previously on House of Lies A lot of weird stuff happened that night.
I blacked out So, did we? I don't remember, either.
My name is Julianne Hofschraeger, and I am the interim ceo.
We are promoting Jeannie Van Der hooven.
Got the big old please-don't-sue-us promotion.
You're the new Jesus Christ, and I am counting on you to close like a motherfucker.
Mr.
Pincus? We're gonna build a better goddamn casino.
Casino! You're goddamn right.
Fuckin' Vegas, baby! Vegas! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I love you.
Oh, man.
Ah! You see that? Viva Las Vegas, baby! Or should I say, "viva lost wages?" You ever heard that? Well, you know, maybe to be safe, you just shouldn't say anything at all.
Ah, you know what, Clyde? Your words can't hurt me.
Not here.
Uh-uh.
Not in the most majestic city in the world.
God, where the eiffel tower is a stone's throw from a venetian gondola.
Where if you want to walk from a A giant slot machine to a world-class art gallery, all you need to do is cross the bellagio lobby.
Simple as that.
Mm.
Tickets to the museum will cost you 15 bucks, but as the poster out front says, it's worth the monet.
I'm excited.
Oh, yeah.
I can tell.
Marty, this is where Jeannie would usually jump in.
You crushed it, guggenheim.
Yes! Oh, no, no.
The other thing.
Oh, shut the fuck up, Doug.
Shut the fuck up, Doug.
Hey, did you know Vegas has a sister city in China? Yeah-- huludau.
Oh.
This is it, boys.
Soak it in.
Does it get any better than this? Oh.
Oh, my God.
Come on.
Faded glory.
Once you've lived with the gods, you can't wait to get a taste of that sweet nectar, as it trickles down your throat one more time.
This place is just in need of a little love, and we have just the magic.
Huh? Stating the obvious and making a fat old check disappear in our pockets? Hut, ho Ta-da! ta-da! Hey, Jeannie.
Thanks for coming.
Sure.
Oh, oh, careful.
This is how things got started with the last guy.
So, um, I know that you know, at this point, that I have made a, uh, pretty successful career helping wayward companies.
Mm "The titan of turnaround.
" Hot new erp, or asset reduction plan is always gonna make the headlines, but, um, do you know what the secret sauce is in every successful bounceback? This is a wild guess, but is it the people? Boilerplate, okay, yes.
But that's because it's true.
You find the best people, and you cultivate 'em.
Now, I know that you and I have just met Actually we met a few years back briefly.
I volunteered when you ran for governor.
Really thought you were going to win, too.
Yeah, so did I.
Well, I guess you wouldn't have spent $100 million of your own money if you didn't think you were, right? Yes.
You know, that number has been overstated.
Oh.
Jeannie, um I asked you here today because I would like to play a mentor role for you.
I can't I-I can't even imagine how that must have felt.
If I lose a quarter in the soda machine, my day entire day-- ruined.
And you lost Wow.
I, um I feel like you're not embracing the spirit of what I'm offering.
Mm.
That's because I feel like the spirit of what you're offering is horseshit.
You don't care about me.
If you did, I would have gotten a real promotion, and not an empty title bump, and you certainly wouldn't have hired a bunch of women above me.
You don't want to mentor me.
You want to fire me.
You want to fire all of the whistleblowers, but you can't, because what you do care about is avoiding a lawsuit.
You're not going to sue.
It would make you poison out there.
But you know that.
But what you don't seem to grasp is that while firing all the whistleblowers is indeed not a viable option, we could get away with firing one, especially if she's not measuring up professionally.
Now, your work here has been excellent.
I presume that won't change? But, um, sometimes things are just whew! Th are beyond our control.
Millions of years, dinosaurs ruled the planet.
Then this meteor just falls out of the sky and poof, no more dinosaurs.
We have hired an impressive set of gals.
A couple of 'em came highly recommended by, uh, Marty whose opinion I know you trust quite a bit.
Is this supposed to scare me? Whew As if that's possible.
No, the hotshot young consultant On the fast track to partner who starts fuckin' her boss, just in case A girl like that she's not afraid of anything.
Hello, dear.
Hey.
Hi.
From galweather stearn.
You can go in.
Great.
Your associate's already in with Mr.
Pincus.
Our associate? Is in there? Are you sure? I thought Jeannie didn't get here till this afternoon.
Your grandson-- he's adorable.
Oh, yeah.
You have children? I do.
Two girls-- five and three.
Oh.
You got your hands full.
I don't think that's Jeannie.
Mr.
Pincus.
Hey.
Oh.
Marty.
Good to see you again, sir.
Good to see you.
I see you've met Tamara.
Oh, she's fantastic.
Where did you find this one? Uh, found her right here.
Yeah.
Terrific.
Thought you started next week.
Ah.
Nope.
No? Uh-uh.
So The emerald's had a good run, but if you've been downstairs, you know something's got to give.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Is it a major remodel? Do I start fresh from a new location? Well, we'll I was thinking, you've got Mm, yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Uh, well, we'll run the numbers on both, uh, as well as exploring the cost-benefit of various style options.
Now, does the new emerald stick with an old-school vibe, or does it go in the direction of a place like the vibrato? The vibrato? Yes, sir.
Fuck that shitty casino.
Okay.
And the carpetbagging fuck who fucking built it.
I'm gonna build a fucking ass clown nightclub of a casino?! I'd sooner you shit down my throat! Fucking vibrato! Fucking fuck fuck! You'd prefer something classy, elegant, but contemporary.
Exactly.
She gets it.
She's a peach.
So, uh, Berkeley? That surprises me.
Yeah, we were one and two in our class.
One two.
Of course.
Yeah.
Huh.
It's just Berkeley.
It is Berkeley, yeah.
Blowing your mind, right.
Kind of.
Yeah? I mean, who knew they even had a business school? Lot of people.
I guess.
No, I didn't, though.
I didn't.
I'm not surprised.
No, not me.
I knew they had a great football team.
Oh, yeah, they certainly have Harvard beat on that count.
Oh.
That's where I went-- Harvard.
Oh, of course.
Yeah.
We got it.
We got it.
What was he like back then? Oh, Marty.
Let's see.
He, um He wore cornrows.
What?! He wore cornrows? He'd play his guitar all the time, even though he only knew one song.
- Oh, man.
- Cornrows.
God, were you awful.
God, was the song awful.
Yeah.
What was the name of the song again? "Smoke on the water.
" Right.
Ooh! Ooh! What a terrible gift you just gave me.
What? "Smoke on the water"? Don't listen to him, Marty.
Daddy! That song kicks major ass.
I don't need the help, Doug.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey I don't really like surprises.
Uh, actually, you love surprises, as long as you're the one keeping people off-balance.
Oh, Marty, I've been out of the game for six years.
I don't have time to be delicate.
But trust me, I am not here to outshine you.
Well, good luck if you are, boo, because I'm the goddamn sun.
Game over Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
How was, uh, your meeting with Julianne? Oh, great.
I had sex with her.
Oh.
You know me.
I see a senior partner, I cannot keep my hands off of them.
That is true.
At least she's cuter than the rainmaker.
And she thinks there's more to foreplay than, uh, "hang on, let me take off my glasses.
" Yech.
Uh, where are the boys? Oh, uh, they're having lunch.
At the emerald.
Uh, Clyde and I are gonna go to this club later and tear it up, if you wanted to I'm still not drinking.
Not s-since Oh, yeah, yeah, right, right, right, right, right.
This fine day Listen, I feel like, um We're really dancing around each other, and-and I was hoping we could Let it remain really awkward.
We are very much on the same page now.
Best for everybody.
Hm.
All right.
I'm gonna We've done this enough.
Probably.
Yep, I'm gonna go to my I'm going to the Uh, how's that Parker house roll, man? I don't know, man; Haven't had it yet.
Do you want to grab one for yourself? No.
Certainly not.
Certainly not.
Okay.
Wow.
Oh, yeah, pasta salad.
Make sure you get a big ol' scoop of that, buddy.
Is there a problem, Douglas? Not for the casino, Clyde.
Not by a long shot.
Yeah.
I'm factoring in the bulk price of the penne, the olive oil, pimento, as well as labor costs.
Each statistical unit of pasta salad is valued at, oh, I don't know, roughly three cents.
Who cares! I'm so bored right now.
Meanwhile Don't say "meanwhile" -- it means you're gonna keep going.
Meanwhile, the equivalent serving of shrimp requires a layout of well over a dollar.
Oh! Fact.
Open your eyes, Clyde.
Don't you see what's going on here? The buffet's rigged! No way! They got cheap product up here at the front, no! And meanwhile, the big-ticket items are here right at the back, so that by the time dupes like you get to the shrimp, your plate's already full.
Well, I don't even like shrimp.
Huh? That's not the point.
How is that not the point? Personally, I can take or leave shrimp.
If I'm being honest, I think I'm a little allergic to it.
But today I am gonna gorge myself on it! Do you know why? Because you're a fuckin' idiot? 'Cause I'm not a fucking idiot.
Nice try, pal.
Oh, hey, Jeannie.
We're just over here.
Oh, Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie, Jeannie.
You actually missed an amazing flight.
Marty confessed to everything that hpened on that night.
But don't worry, he was very complimentary.
How stupid do you think I am, Clyde? I think Don't answer that.
Yeah.
Are you guys going back to caesars after this, or are we gonna get some work done? Well, once Douglas single-handedly wipes out the earth's shrimp population Yeah, for real? What is going on? Good question.
Buffet's rigged.
Do not.
Do not.
Good-good question.
No! We're waiting here for Tamara.
We're gonna sift through some data.
Tamara? As in Marty's b-school friend Tamara? Is-is here? Yeah.
Oh, you're gonna love her.
She's great.
She's srt, tough, easy on the eyes.
Kind of like a black Jeannie.
I mean, not like a black, uh, genie, you know? But like a black You know what I mean.
Why don't you judge for yourself.
Oh, hey! Hi, Tamara.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm Jeannie, yeah.
Your legend precedes you.
Okay.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Should we get some work done? Well, maybe give us five minutes.
No, we don't need five minutes.
Let's pop down some Doug guggenheim? No.
Huh? No, uh, Doug guggenheim here.
Sir, you know you've been banned from all betting areas.
You need to leave.
What's going on, guys? No idea.
I have absolutely no idea.
How is this Keno? You're booting me out for keno? Like I'd waste my God-given talent on keno.
If I have to ask again, it's gonna be far less pleasant.
No need for that, sir.
No need to make a scene.
I'm leaving.
It's not problem at all.
Put down the shrimp.
Well, now we have a problem.
Sir, I paid $7.
99 for this shrimp, it is coming with me, and there is not a goddamn Oh, yes! Put down the goddamn shrimp.
All right! All right.
This doesn't end here.
Oh! He's got one in his mouth! He's got one in his mouth! I have no idea what that just was, what?! But it was the single best moment I've ever seen in my entire life! Do it again! Do it again! Do it It was a major card-counting operation.
Up and down the strip.
And it was Doug's system.
Wow! Yeah.
And how much did the gugg make? Dude, his share was well into six figures.
But this happens-- he has an attack of guilt, decides to give all of his money to a homeless charity.
Oh, you dumb-ass.
"Oh, you dumb-ass" doesn't explain it, 'cause then, a couple days later, he has second thoughts, goes to the charity to try to get his fuckin' money back.
Dirk mcgirt! Dirk mcgirt comes in with powerpoints and graphs, tries to make the case that having easy access to food and blankets actually makes the homeless more vulnerable when they're released back into nature.
You can't say "back into nature" when you're talking about people.
Human beings.
I know.
Opening shots have been fired.
You're at war, gentlemen.
We surrender.
We do.
We'll sign a treaty! Please! Okay.
Oh, here yo! Dushkin! Dushkin! Oh! Ugh.
I apologize.
I apologize ahead of time.
But these guys are good for business.
What's up, man? I feel your dick a lot now.
Yes! Marty, Marty, this is Kyle and Alex dushkin.
They own this place.
How you doing? What's up? Oh.
There we go.
Nice to meet you.
Sweet threads! So, you're in town consulting with Pincus, right? That's the truth.
My dude Carlson fucked his shit up! Pincus had his eyes on this site.
Carlson rolls into town, hoovered it out from under Pincus to put up the vibrato.
It was epic! Oh.
Put up the vibrato.
Carlson is the shit! Fantastic.
Wish I'd known about that this morning.
Might've helped.
Fuck.
Marty, can you turn around so I can check out the vent? I don't think I'm gonna do that.
All right, Marty.
My brother's a total Peter puffer about clothes.
I swear, one day I'm gonna need to give him the heimlich, 'cause he'll have a dick stuck in his throat! Oh! Whoo! I didn't hear any complaints when I was burying it deep and wide in his stepsister's ass! Oh, yeah! Ooh! Ooh! Enjoy your night.
Thank you, my man.
Do that.
Whoa! Yo! We love it! Oh, oh! Aw! Good to see you.
Marty.
Oh Wow.
Yep.
And Wow.
The real wow? Yeah.
Five years ago, those guys, they're running the door at a series of clubs.
Now, a whole lot of hustle and fuckin' zero shame later yeah? Revenue is up $50 million.
Stop.
50 fuckin' million dollars.
Look at them.
those guys have! Douchebag twins! Only in America.
It's actually dushkin.
I got it.
It's my fault.
Yeah.
I apologize.
Do you want me to give it to you straight or curvy? Give it to me straight.
Go.
There's greater flexibility with a new build.
Yeah, which is more than offset by the value of the real estate! Do you want to explain to me why this idiot isn't at the meeting? Yeah, well, Doug is not allowed here, and we don't want to fuckin' hang out where he likes to hang out.
You see your man over there? Oh, yeah.
Hey! Hey, Marty! Jesus, I'm sorry, guys.
Right.
So this is how.
Can you see me? We'll do this.
Yeah, whatever, Doug.
I mean, obviously, we're still gonna have to prepare the deck, but I think we can put a stake in the ground at our dinner with Pincus tonight.
I mean, the remodel's the way to go.
What do you think, Tamara? Um, I actually Well, it's pretty clear-cut, Marty.
The numbers kind of speak for themselves.
Speaking for themselves-- that's a novel idea.
Why don't we let Tamara do that.
I focused on a web-based strategy.
Like online poker? That kind of thing? I've played it.
I've played it, If you guys need to know anything about that.
I'm just gonna lower the No, no, more sweeping, more sweeping.
A full-scale, pay model gambling app that integrates into existing social media.
And if Pincus were to acquire one Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yes, you could re-brand the physical casino and bring in a major new revenue stream.
That's actually fuckin' brilliant.
Exactly.
Fuck off, would you?! Is he getting beat up? Hold on a second, guys.
Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Yeah, I can hear you.
You're yelling in my fucking face.
Get away from me.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Oh, watch out, I know karate, man I know karate! Do you want to die twice, motherfucker? Get the fuck out of here.
Here's the one thing that that doesn't consider, is that it is illegal for money to exchange hands in cyberspace.
Uh, it is, for now, but I expect that to change.
Well, what if it doesn't? Or what if it doesn't within ten years? Or within 20 years? And, uh, good old Pincus is pissing in his diaper in a nursing home somewhere unable to afford his pudding cup.
The law is gonna change, Jeannie.
Unless it doesn't.
Well, it will, because politicos won't be able to resist the potential tax revenues.
Unless they can! Uh, you know, Jeannie, I've actually been doing a lot of reading on this Oh, well, if you've been doing reading, then I'll shut up.
Uh, would you? Because that would be great.
Oh Listen, I know that you have been spending a lot of time with little babies, and that that's super hard, and God bless mothers, but for those of us that have been in the grown-up world, what you need to realize okay, Jeannie, uh, Jeannie Is that it's unprecedented Ah-ah, Jeannie, Jeannie.
Take it easy.
You want me to take it easy? Yeah, take it easy, Jeannie bean.
Well, I don't She's off the reservation, Marty bean.
Okay? You can't tear apart our entire analysis based on an article that you read.
Do you know my friend Sam foster, the deputy Attorney General of the United States? Because he seems to think that it's gonna be a done deal.
A social media portfolio makes a shitload of sense.
That being said eh Convincing an old-school guy like Pincus to have any real buy into this is gonna be a slog.
Yes.
So we're gonna go with the remodel.
You happy now? Great.
Can I get two gin and tonics, please? Well, guys, here's what I think.
Uh, can you can you hear me? So, what's the next step? Uh, well, we will get you a formal set of numbers by close of business tomorrow.
And next day, you start meeting architects.
That soon? Oh, yeah.
Time is Absolutely.
Where'd you learn that? The fucking vibrato? It's actually a pretty popular catchphrase You have to bear with me-- I'm like a goddamn snail when it comes to change.
But I'll get there.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I mean - This is the move, right? - Oh, yeah.
Absolutely.
Yes, sir.
Tamara? What? You favor the The new build? Um Well, to be honest, I think both options are mistakes.
I'd probably go in a completely different direction.
Could you excuse us for a moment, Mr.
Pincus? Sure.
Can I talk to you over here? Excuse me, sir.
That's a nice-looking jacket, man.
Where'd you get it? Your mother.
So what the hell are you thinking? If he goes down either one of those roads, it's gonna turn off the lights.
Yeah, maybe it will, maybe it won't.
But more to the point, who gives a shit? I do.
I've spent years developing my brand.
Oh, my God.
Could you hold my hair? 'Cause I think I'm gonna throw up.
Marty, if a client asks a question, I'm gonna give him an honest answer.
We are a team, okay? That's what that pod is in there.
If there's a dispute, guess who's the tiebreaker.
Oh, so I'm supposed to break out my pom-poms and sis-boom-bah for the remodel? Yeah, like we got a chance at that after the piss you took all over it in there.
"Hey, Mr.
Pincus, I know that we said rehabbing your casino "was a terrible idea.
"We didn't mean it.
J.
K.
It's opposite day.
" I thought you were smarter than this.
I thought that you were smarter.
Marty, you're a great salesman, but when a job's done, how much repeat business do you see? I don't give a fuck about repeat business, okay? When I'm through with a job, I'm staring at a boatload of cash.
Galweather stearn is staring at a boatload of cash.
You're getting table scraps.
And what happens when you leave galweather? If you ever leave.
What's that supposed to mean? Oh, Marty, here you are, 15 years later into your stint at galweather, dropping checks into the laps of people you hate, eager for a pat on the head and a "good boy.
" What the hell happened to Martin kaan? You didn't hear, Tammy? I won.
Vanquished my foes.
Galweather stearn is my bitch now.
A bitch that's spitting out hefty bonuses for work I could do with my eyes closed.
Now, I'm gonna go in there and try to sweep up the mess you just made.
Do you think you can keep your mouth shut for five minutes? Say "yeah, I can hold for Mr.
Carlson" and then get out of there.
Yeah, I'll hold for Carlson.
Welcome back.
So Will someone tell me what the fuck is going on? It's, uh It's complicated.
Our team is in a, uh, tricky position, ethically.
Mm.
You see, while we believe that a remodel would be incredibly lucrative for you, we have another strategy that would just God, it would just blast the dead bolt off of fort knox.
Yeah, that's true.
Uh, unfortunately, we're unable to propose it at this time because we've put it in front of another casino.
Now, I don't think I'm crossing any lines to say that this other guy's a tremendous asshole It's fucking Carlson, isn't it? Well I'm not at liberty to say.
Uh, but suffice it to say that's why Tamara would rather line your pockets than his.
And to be quite honest, I agree with her, but as I've said, we, um We're having trouble squaring it ethically.
And you know, Marty, if we're talking ethics, what could be more ethical than, uh, letting the good guy win? How's he gonna find out? Who cares? It's not like we're passing nuclear codes.
Pincus, pincu ow.
Why don't you tighten it up, drunky? Sorry.
Well, uh All right, I'm gonna tell him.
Sure.
Do it, baby.
Let's go.
I can't believe this.
Okay, uh Our guy in Washington assures us that the restrictions to online gambling are about to go bye-bye.
So acquiring a technology that melds casino gaming with social media and then partnering with a very strong Vegas brand will It's just gonna lead to ungodly profits.
Ding, ding, ding.
Huge.
You're gonna be right back in.
Forget that.
You're gonna be fucking king of the game.
You want to be the king? Social media.
That's it.
Yes, it's coming, but you got to get in front of it.
As of right now there's 20 million users playing slotomania You know, my-my brother-in-law's company patented something called a magnetic stent.
It's a big deal in bypass surgery.
Yeah.
Now, I turned down an opportunity to get in on the ground floor.
You know why? Why? Because I'm bored even telling this story.
You know.
I have nothing against making money.
Don't get me wrong.
But I love what I do.
I still get a thrill walking through the casino, and I'm not gonna get that from a bunch of Faceless nobodies fingering their iPads, waiting for their dicks to get hard again so that they - can jerk off to more porn.
- Hey, you don't have to sell that to me-- I understand.
But you don't have to make Have to make a decision right away.
If you'd just allow us Thank you but no thank you.
Please tell me you talked to Carlson last night at the club.
If by "talk to Carlson" you mean I didn't talk to Carlson then yeah.
Great.
And, uh, what do you propose we do now? You take it, drunky.
Carlson, Carlson, Carlson, Jeannie.
Carlson Carlson, Carlson I'm not implying that you guys don't know Carlson.
I'm just saying Look, we don't just know the dude.
We're seriously tight.
Really? Yeah.
Like peas in a bowl.
He's here all the fucking time.
Well not all the fucking time.
I mean, where is this guy? Look, Bill Clinton loves McDonalds, right? Doesn't mean that the guy putting pickles on his big Mac is his bff.
The doctor said to me, "that's not a rash, that's a lesion.
" and I'm just penetrating very hard Because I'm so up in the air Did you know Tamara's here? She blew the deal and showed up to the fucking party? Cat claw noise.
Hey, we all lost, Clyde, okay? Hey, if-if you can find one who's not a total dipshit a-hole, uh, I would be down for a little something.
Excuse me? A guy.
What's the dj's story? Is he you know what? Fuck it.
I'll take care of it myself.
Uh Wow.
Someone needs to put a roofie in her drink.
Oh.
What'd you just say? I would never.
I would never.
Wow, this looks so hard.
So it's a little bitty Clyde, Clyde, Clyde I'm so sorry.
Yes, what, Doug? Check out my hand-- the only thing between it and that vagina is a sheer piece of silk.
Uh, you win again, guggenheim.
Well, let's hold it up.
All it took to make one friend was several bottles of $2,000 cristal, so good for you.
- Wrong.
- Okay.
How? Incorrect, Clyde.
Look at the menu.
Champagne is $20.
Oh, I'm so sorry, my friend.
It's not a decimal point.
Pepper.
$2,000.
Uh, shit.
Marty, Marty, Marty! I only had, like, two glasses of that champagne, so when we're splitting the bill So, break out the white sunglasses and the Dane cook cds because you and I are going out raging tomorrow night with-- Wait for it-- the douchebag twins! - Oh, fantastic! - Oh, shit! God, not even two glasses.
If you look, I'm not Oh, fuck it.
Have some more because I got another little tasty nugget to give you.
Well, let me heat it up.
Nom, nom, nom, nom.
They are right now in negotiations with Michael Carlson Oh, my God.
To open a club in Oh Say the fucking vibrato.
Wa for it.
No, say the fucking vibrato! - The fucking vibrato! - Come on, baby! That's what I'm talking about, Marty! Boom, baby! Give me that.
Tamara, a second of your time.
Has Marty always been the man? Oh, yeah, Marty's always been the man.
You're goddamn right.
- Oh, this is big, daddy.
- Toast to me.
I don't know.
I mean it's overpriced, honestly.
And I wondered how I got there find my way back to, back to us Got to find my way Whoo! Whoa.
Got to find my way I love you.
Back to us got to find my way I love you, too.
Back to us You get get me you get me, me, me