Housebroken (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

1
'Twas the night before Trashmas,
and all through the yard,
not a creature was stirring
save for one Saint Bernard.
Merry Trashmas!
Oh, how can it still be dark?
- Honey, wake up!
- Ugh, go to sleep, Chief.
Aah, I can't! Ah, Trashmas
is my favorite holiday.
All those beautiful
overflowing garbage cans
for me to knock over.
Oh, I wonder
what the Trashsquatch
is gonna bring me this year!
Trashsquatch can't come unless
you go to sleep like a good boy.
Can't sleep.
Too excited.
When I have insomnia,
I practice mindfulness.
Research has proven that
- Trashsquatch.
- Huh.
The trash bins were stuffed
in a haphazard way
for the animals' annual refuse buffet.
They dreamt Trashmas dreams
regardless of species,
of bubble wrap,
- boxes
Old gravy and feces.
As the rays of sunshine
began to appear
Honey, wake up!
- Trashmas is here!
- Ugh.
Merry Trashmas!
Me-rry Trash-mas.
Aah!
- Where's all the garbage?
- They're empty.
I was such a good dog this year.
Jill, something horrible has hap
First no trash?
Now no Jill?
What did you do
to anger the Trashsquatch?
Look, Jill would never just
up and leave us on Trashmas.
I'm sure there's
Jill!
I told you she'd never leave us
on Trashmas.
What the suds?
- What's up, dudes?
- Where's Jill?
I saw her leave early this morning,
- so I thought I'd take a spa day.
- On Trashmas?
For raccoons, every day is Trashmas.
And frankly, when you all start
knocking down garbage cans,
it feels like cultural appropriation.
She's gone?
That's not like Jill at all.
We had a good run with her,
but she's gone, Honey.
Let her go.
We have to focus
one what's important
and save Trashmas.
In or out.
You're letting out the steam.
I'm in the doghouse ♪
'Cause I let the cat out
and the stupid dog ♪
Like, every winter,
I like to chicken out ♪
Or drop off like a fly ♪
'Cause something's
smelling mighty fish ♪
This time of year ♪
Monkey see, monkey do ♪
Hold your horses, I'll take two ♪
Horsin' around ♪
Horsin' about ♪
I'm gonna make you unmask ♪
'Cause I love you ♪
Ho ho ho!
Sure, I remember my mother
eating my father and sisters,
but I still remember it
as one of the best Trashmases
I ever had.
- Any feedback?
- Uh, well, yeah, gender is fluid.
I'm sorry.
I know I'm distracted.
Jill disappeared, and so,
I'm gonna need to multitask
between my group duties
and staring intensely
at the front door.
What does staring at the door
accomplish?
It's a dog thing.
You wouldn't understand.
All right, I'll ask.
What's with the head bling?
Well, my dad got drunk
and left before taking
off these antlers,
so I was locked outside alone
all night.
It's actually much sadder
than it sounds.
You get used to being alone.
I like to play this fun game
where I try
to remember Kevin's face.
I can't do it!
You're welcome
to come to my place
for Trashmas dinner, Cheeks.
Really?
I've never had a real Trashmas.
Kevin likes to travel over
the holidays and most days.
Oh, I remember what he looks like!
Nope. I lost it.
And I sure hope
he comes home soon.
My bowl's been empty
for two days.
Hey, I also can't remember
what food looks like.
You could come too, Tabitha.
It's usually 20% less violent
during the holidays.
I hope this doesn't
come off as elitist,
but I'm far too good
for your sad slop-fest.
A Boxing Day feast awaits me.
There's always
a mountain of leftovers
even the hungriest cat
could never summit.
- Was that an invite?
- Totally.
Has she always had that accent?
Well, I've been
uncharacteristically quiet
this morning, and I'm sure
you're all wondering why.
- Nope.
- Not at all.
- I liked it, actually.
- Because it looks like
I'll be spending
yet another Trashmas alone.
"Oh, what about that
hot Shar Pei you were seeing?"
Well, if you must know,
I dumped him.
I mean, sure,
we had white-hot chemistry,
but there was nothing going on
underneath those wrinkles.
It was all, "I don't know.
What do you want to pee on?"
"What do you want to sniff?"
And I'm like,
"Take charge. Regrow a pair."
You're welcome to come to my place
and rifle through
the Bronson's trash.
I'm just
pathetic enough to say yes.
Me too! I'm pathetic.
- Can I come?
- Darla won't be there.
We're going through a rough patch.
Says I don't spend enough time
with the kids.
They're eggs!
Jill? Ugh, it's just the mail.
- Mail?
- Mail?
- Finish her!
- She's mine!
- Dogs.
- They have no dignity.
I just want a guy
who knows what he wants.
I know what Darla wants.
For me to share
in the responsibility
of watching over our egg clutch
so she doesn't have
to sit in the woods
protecting them
from predators all alone?
- As if!
- Did someone order a trash kebab?
- Well, look who is finally useful!
- Aw, thanks.
Maybe the universe is telling
me that it's better to be alone
than chase
some nonexistent ideal male.
Like this! See, this is
what I'm talking about.
Madison Avenue creates
these unattainable
Oh, my God.
You're the dog from the box.
I'm Robo. Pet me.
Ooh, so direct.
You know what you want
and just ask for it.
I'm Elsa.
What can Robo do for you today?
Baby, you're doing it.
Dear Lord, what is that smell?
Rancid crab dip.
It's Darla's favorite.
I think we ate it
on our first Trashmas together.
And now I've left
the best stone-cold freak
I've ever known alone in the woods?
God, what have I done?
Come home. Come home.
Oh, God.
Jill's never gone this long.
Come home.
Come home.
How long
have we been standing watch?
- A while.
- Take off that stupid Santa beard!
Something terrible
has happened to Jill.
Do you hear
how crazy you sound?
Nothing bad can happen on Trashmas
because it's the one day
that the Trashsquatch
and his jolly invisible
garbage goblins protect us all.
Ugh, I can't with this right now.
No!
Okay, when Jill left,
describe exactly what you saw.
Well, she was laughing
and had one of those boxes
with the wheels and the handle
humans use when they go away.
Okay, she was laughing.
That's good.
Oh, you thought she was laughing?
I thought she was crying.
- I didn't see her!
- Oh, yeah. Me neither.
But she sure got out of here
in a hurry.
And then,
this big guy dressed in black
grabbed her wheely box.
And she said, "No, no, I got it."
But then, he took it anyway
and threw them both
in this big, black car.
Jill is never coming back.
And now, we're home alone!
Aah!
Okay. Okay, I was
where you are at first,
but then I opened my heart
to the spirit of Trash
Enough!
Trashmas is for puppies!
You're six,
and you need to grow up!
Maybe you need to grow down.
No wonder the Trashsquatch
didn't bring you any garbage
this year.
There is no Trashsquatch!
Who hurt you?
I'm trying something.
What do you think?
Welcome back to
the certain percentage of you
who decided to not spring
for ad-free Hulu
as our cats walked across town
to eat Tabitha's meal
and Elsa came on
to a dog made of steel.
And with Jill's absence harder
for her to explain,
Honey's worry was starting
to drive her insane.
Okay, got to think.
Did Jill have any enemies?
Wait, what am I saying?
Who could hate Jill?
She's pure love
wrapped in rainbows
and a mumu
from Ross Dress for Less.
Jill?
This is bad.
Chief!
Go away, intruder!
I have all my teeth
and none of my shots!
Chief, get over here!
Chief!
Okay, I'll tell you, but you
have to promise not to judge me.
I've always wanted to learn
how to sniff for drugs.
I mean, is that crazy?
Thank you for not laughing.
God, I really feel like I can
let my guard down around you.
Scratch my head.
Mm, yes, sir.
God, you know,
it's funny.
This morning, before we met,
I had given up on dating.
Just resigned to spend
another holiday all alone.
But are you free
- We have to go!
- Dang it, Shel.
It was about to get humpy.
The tortoise I love
is alone in the woods
with my nearly born
because I abandoned her.
So go get her. I'm kind of
working on not being alone myself.
Get it, girl.
The thing is,
I haven't visited the clutch
as much as I should have
or even once
so I don't know where she is.
I require your dog noses
to track her.
- We'll do it!
- We have to go now
before the nocturnals wake.
Tortoise eggs are delicious.
Don't ask me how I know.
Ah!
She's three clicks this way.
Let's roll.
We're losing light.
Hey, so, uh,
my friends are taking off.
If you want, you and I
could chase sticks and chill.
- You're my friend.
- Oh.
I see. Just friends.
- Friends.
- No, I got it!
Thank you for being honest
and not leading me on
more than you already have.
You're not better than me!
Chief, please help!
Oh, now you want
to play with garbage.
I know you're mad at me,
and you're not my favorite dog
right now either,
but there is an intruder trying to
Aah!
Oh, you get your stinkin' hands
off my Honey,
you damn dirty arm!
Honey, we cannot go outside.
It's crawling with arms.
Did you bring anything, you know,
like flowers or a dead lizard?
I mean,
everything was closed today.
- Ow!
- Oh, sorry.
- I thought it was a churro.
- Well, it's not.
It's actually ow!
What the hell is wrong with you?
I have no excuse this time.
I'm just so hun
Why are you in my garage
making gross sounds?
You didn't specify what time
to pop by when you invited us.
- I didn't invite you.
- Oh, see, we thought you did.
But we'll get out of your fur.
No harm, no foul.
No, there's definitely harm.
Why would you brag
about a mountain of food
to two neglected cats
if you weren't inviting us?!
I thought it might
be aspirational for you.
Hey. Hey, these things happen.
It's fine.
It's not fine!
This was going to be
my first real Trashmas,
and you ruined it!
What is happening?
Have you seen him do this before?
Never, and I don't know much
about his backstory,
you know, apart from him
being rescued as a kitten
from an abandoned military
gamma ray facility.
Tabitha, you are selfish!
Okay, why don't we all
just take a deep
And you are an enabler!
If that's what you think,
I support you.
Trashmas is about garbage,
food, and friendship.
This place is clean, no food,
and you're no friend!
Oh, Chico,
you're scare-rousing me.
Chico smash!
Food!
It's not not sexy.
We're close.
Stay frosty.
- I hope Darla forgives me, but
- You're right. Robo's trash.
Just once, I'd like to find
someone who will chase me.
Play with me.
Robo! My Robo!
I knew you'd come back to me.
You're my master.
If you're trying to turn me
on, mission accomplished.
How are you so perfect?
I love you.
Uh, that's a little fast.
What can Robo do
for you today?
Uh, you can start
by taking it down a notch.
Okay, a little space.
- Do you see him?
- Not an arm in sight.
- We did it!
- We did it! Yeah!
Where are those footsteps
coming from?
Here, doggy, doggy, doggies.
They're coming
from inside the house!
I pray you're not sick
of this recap device,
but distracted viewing
is a most common vice.
Once charmed from Robo,
Elsa now found him cheesy.
Shel worried his kids
might be eggs over easy.
The unwelcomed stranger
kept sneakin' and skulkin',
so Honey and Chief
went totally Culkin.
- Pull it tighter!
- Shh!
- And
- Go!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Ha ha ha!
- Ha?
- Aah!
There's an intruder in the house!
- And we need your hands!
- It's go-time, boys.
You look amazing.
- Scratch my head.
- Maybe later.
Rub my belly.
Has it ever occurred to you
that I might have needs too?
Of course not!
- I love you.
- Just stop it.
You don't love me.
You love the idea of me.
I hate myself
when I'm with you.
Uh, look, Cheeks,
based on the way
you flipped over a minivan,
I know you're hungry,
but I can't promise
there's gonna be
a lot of food left.
Hallelujah ♪
Hallelujah ♪
Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪
It's a Trashmas miracle!
Actually, it's not a miracle.
The neighbors just gave
our lady all their leftovers
to assuage their guilt when
they finally condemn this place.
Not now, The Actually One.
I casually sauntered here as fast as I could.
I've reflected on my actions,
and I have found them wanting.
- A-plus apology.
- I didn't hear an apology.
I am sorry.
That's the Trashmas miracle!
- Actually
- Ugh!
I swear to God, The Actually One!
Guys, now that my blood/ham
ratio is stabilized,
I want to say I'm sorry.
That thing I became wasn't me.
Well, whoever he was,
does he still want to smash?
Do you give up,
or are you thirsty for more?
A little tinkle, tinkle, tinkle.
It burns!
Yeah, you should
probably get that checked.
Too much?
And even though I have to end this,
I want you to know I don't regret
a single second
of the time we shared,
and I'll always hold
a piece of you in my heart.
- We just want different
- Pet me.
And this is what I'm talking about.
I love you.
Robo?
Robo!
I literally broke his heart!
Don't you die on me!
Breathe, damn it!
Don't leave me like this!
It's too soon!
You know her better than I do.
How long do you think
Yeah, she's gonna milk this
for a while.
- We should skedaddle.
- Take me instead!
We'll only get one shot,
so we have to be perfect.
Can I just say that
you're really good at this?
Aw, thanks.
You got some killer in you too.
- Because we have time for this!
- Okay, on my signal,
Honey will go to the kitchen
and start barking.
He'll avoid her, move
to the front of the house
and into the living room,
where it'll be dark
because Raccoon
will break all the lamps.
This fill force him
to walk through a minefield
of
my strategically placed poops.
The three of us
will then meet here.
This works too.
That's it!
Run away!
Oh, I've never felt so alive!
What's next?
- Oh, I know. Let's rob a bank!
- Yeah no.
Godspeed, beautiful traveler.
I'll never forget you, Bobo.
Robo.
Sorry, I've had a day.
Hey, I didn't mean
to trash your love of Trashmas.
Don't know when it happened, but
I think I lost my inner puppy.
No, you were right.
Trashmas is just a story
for the young ones.
I do need to grow
It's a Trashmas miracle.
Thank you, Trashsquatch!
You do realize
that we were the ones who
who just missed
seeing the Trashsquatch!
Hey, want to make
garbage angels?
Do I?
If even gross
animals can find love,
maybe there is hope
for me someday.
Elsa!
- You found us.
- Yeah. Thanks for peeing so much.
Elsa, just in time.
It's happening!
It's a Trashmas miracle.
Mm.
Aw.
They're beautiful
and delicious,
but mostly beautiful.
Oh, that tickles.
Oh!
Oh, I forgot those were fake.
Oh, hey, little guy. Oh,
you want your head scratched?
Robo?
It's you!
Your spirit came back to me!
Aw, Robo.
Why is that dog
hitting on my daughter?
- You're an artist.
- Thanks.
- What's wrong?
- I'm still kind of worried about Jill.
Honey, I promise you two things:
one, Jill is gonna be home soon,
and two, she's gonna
be overjoyed to see us.
- What did you do?!
- You were half-right.
And you've been permanently
banned from the Wagger app!
I mean, look at this place.
Why would you do this?
Oh, no. I did this.
- No, we did
- Shh, let's play this out.
You never cause
this much damage
unless you're horribly upset.
And why wouldn't you be?
I left without saying goodbye
only to be catfished
by a 14-year-old
in Hacienda Heights.
I'm so sorry.
Come here.
Come here.
I promise I'll never abandon
you at Christmastime again.
- What's Christmastime?
- I don't know.
There was trash everywhere
women's razors and men's,
bottle and briskets,
an old man's Depends.
But our animals learned
one true thing in the end:
the best kind of garbage to find
is good friends.
That's all I've got.
You've heard my whole spiel.
A merry Trashmas to all.
And hells yeah I'm real.
Mm, yeah.
Oh.
- Eh aah!
- Aah!
That's nice, Jen and Gabby.