How Do You Want Me? (1998) s02e02 Episode Script
I'm Not an Alcoholic
(Children shouting) âÂ" Are you all right? âÂ" No, I'm fine, yeah.
(# Menacing music) Hello, Mrs er Certainly, Headmaster.
Er, how are the erm? âÂ" Oh, they're fine.
âÂ" Good.
Good.
âÂ" (Raucous chanting) lâÂ"aâÂ"an! âÂ" laâÂ"aâÂ"n! Here, lan, what's brown and hard and doesn't make sense? Er, I don't know.
(Gibberish) Tough shit.
It was in the bog.
âÂ" (Door opens) âÂ" Sis! âÂ" Hi.
Don't lift me up.
âÂ" I'm not gonna lift you up.
âÂ" Can you change that for me? âÂ" Yeah, no problem.
SupergiâÂ"iâÂ"irl! âÂ" Just two fives is lovely.
âÂ" She used to love that.
You're a star.
Thank you.
Hi, lan.
You always seem to be in here.
It's nice to be where everybody knows your name.
There you go, Steve.
âÂ" That's a joke between him and himself.
âÂ" Yes.
I have noticed, when talking with the children, they've started referring to you as, erm, Lisa.
Rather than Miss or, indeed, er, Mrs Lyons.
Yeah.
Honor, Derek and I decided to change it a couple of months ago.
âÂ" The children seem to prefer it.
âÂ" Yes.
I'd like the practice to stop.
Oh, why? For the same reason I don't want my chiropodist calling me by my first name.
Is it helpful to compare the person who does your feet with an eightâÂ"yearâÂ"old whose trust you're trying to earn? Yes, I'd like the practice to stop.
Thank you.
And the school governors are about to meet and I'd like to confirm your husband's appointment to their number.
Yes, I don't think he is the best choice.
He's a fresh face in the village.
It isn't really that, though, is it? It's no secret that I admire his stance on discipline.
He smacked a difficult child he was photographing, which he regrets.
Well, I I've sent him a letter.
I just thought you should know.
âÂ" So is that the criteria? âÂ" "On".
I don't think you know lan very well if âÂ" (Pencil sharpening) âÂ" Never mind.
D'you think I'll get a chain of office? Or a special little black car with little black windows? No.
Will people have to call me "Governor"? In the chemist, "Good afternoon, Governor lan, here's your Preparation H.
" It's not that much of an honour.
They have trouble finding anyone at all.
I wouldn't be surprised if they'd already asked about 88 people.
âÂ" Oh, really? âÂ" What d'you mean, "Oh, really?"? I'm getting just a whiff of jealousy here.
(Chuckling) I'm not jealous.
It's because, effectively, now I'm your boss, isn't it? âÂ" No, you're not.
âÂ" First thing I'm gonna do is make all the lady teachers wear seeâÂ"through, short, leather skirts.
So I can see their pants.
Then they'll all have to straddle me, one by one.
âÂ" You're drinking too much.
âÂ" What else is there to do here? âÂ" Apart from hoe.
âÂ" Mm nothing.
âÂ" "Nothing, Governor.
" âÂ" Shh! Nothing, Governor.
No, it's a serious job.
I'll take it seriously.
You may get up now.
The governor can't feel his left leg.
So, that's agreed.
We shall advertise for a new dinner lady, but this time we'll specify someone with a cooking background.
âÂ" Mm.
âÂ" Yes? Agreed on that? Good.
Thank you.
I always think they should be called school lunch ladies, don't you? âÂ" Hm? âÂ" Although, nowadays, school lunch persons would be considered more appropriate.
âÂ" Hm! PC PC âÂ" (Laughing) Apologies.
Turkey business.
Mr Lyons, this is Mr Yardley, who's been an honorary governor for some 30 years.
I know.
He's my fatherâÂ"inâÂ"law.
Of course.
One occasionally forgets that everyone in this village is related.
Oh (Clears throat) The, er, west wall short corridor is still extremely damp.
Bringing a rather nasty fungus, from all accounts, âÂ" which children are starting to pick at.
âÂ" Indeed.
âÂ" I'll get some of my men to fix it.
âÂ" Thank you, Mr Yardley.
âÂ" Isn't that a false economy? âÂ" What? The local education authority will never fund a realistic maintenance programme if the school's being repaired ad hoc outside the budget.
You are obviously not familiar with the concept of a community looking after itself.
No, I am.
It's just that, surely help like this from Snowle's major fowl tsar would be better spent on projects that the authority won't fund.
I think you've got a point there, Mr Lyons.
Yes, instead instead, Mr Yardley, perhaps you could contribute help in kind to the Millennium millpond.
Yes.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good.
âÂ" (Laughter) âÂ" (Man) Minicab for Mr Lyons.
âÂ" Oh âÂ" (Giggling) Someone keeps letting the tyres down on the mobile library.
Really? Erm, yes.
âÂ" (Young men belching) âÂ" Perhaps it's a slow puncture.
âÂ" Or âÂ" Er, I don't think so.
Ah.
Probably some bastard from WHSmith's.
I think they've changed the sherry in here.
(Laughing) Can you excuse me, please? I want to go to the toilet.
Mm.
âÂ" Mm.
âÂ" It's a bit tinny.
âÂ" Are you all right there, mate? âÂ" Poof.
âÂ" D'you know who you look like in a tie? âÂ" What? âÂ" A complete wanker.
A wanker's wanker.
âÂ" It's my pillarâÂ"ofâÂ"theâÂ"community look.
âÂ" Pillock of the community.
âÂ" Top joke, John! I had to get out of there.
My brains are gonna start tumbling out.
Have a lager.
We bought four pints each to cut down on the walking.
TopâÂ"up.
Whoo! âÂ" Wahey! âÂ" Hey! Just just just one.
âÂ" Oh, yeah! âÂ" Oh, yeah! (Laughing) Two men went to mow I've always wanted one of these.
âÂ" What, a cricket pitch? Yeah! âÂ" (Both laughing) âÂ" Hey, listen, lan.
âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" I've got a secret, right? âÂ" OK.
I've always really badly wanted to have sex with my sister, Helen.
So have I! Oh, you're very frightening! (Laughing) âÂ" (Horn) âÂ" (Tyres screeching) (Dog barking) That is incredibly poor roadâÂ"holding.
(Laughing hysterically) Oh, shit.
We'd better make ourselves scarce.
OK.
You be plutonium and I'll be some diamonds.
(Snorting) It's OK! It's OK! I am a governor.
I am a governor.
Go into your house and prepare for government.
âÂ" Oh, can I turn the radio on now? âÂ" (lan) No.
Please.
No.
âÂ" No noise.
No noise.
âÂ" Shall I ring up Jean Bulmer and tell her you're feeling too shitty to photograph her today? No.
No.
I'll be all right.
In a week.
Did Norriswood complain about the kids calling us by our first names? Why do people drink, anyway? I mean, what is the point of it? Standing around tipping it into your face.
I've never seen it.
âÂ" Maybe you should give up for a while.
âÂ" Yeah.
That's a good idea.
âÂ" You have been knocking it back a bit.
âÂ" Yeah.
The only friends you've made are the Hubners, who run the offâÂ"licence.
They're nice people.
We should have them round, if only to see what bottles they bring.
You could just give up for a month.
No, you have to do it forever.
Make a clean break.
Leave it behind.
Go on, leave it.
Tea.
Start start with a month.
Then segue into forever.
OK, who can tell me where the two lungs are? Anyone? (Panting) Yep, Joe? Would you like to point out on the diagram? âÂ" (Giggling) âÂ" Erm, no, you know that's not right.
Pop yourself back in the seat, good lad.
Erm lungs.
Someone must know where the lungs are.
No? OK, lungs are there and there and they're for breathing.
So, the stomach.
Who knows where the tummy is? âÂ" Me! Me! âÂ" Derek! Derek! You're all very good at the tummy.
Now open them up and have a look at the shape.
Natalie, hold yours up, show the headmaster.
âÂ" How lovely.
âÂ" Lisa, Lisa, mine's torn.
âÂ" It doesn't matter.
âÂ" Can I have more paper? âÂ" We've already discussed this.
âÂ" No.
âÂ" Gavin, d'you want a drink? âÂ" Oh, cheers.
Pint.
A pint for Gavin and a fruit juice for me, please.
âÂ" Fruit juice? âÂ" I've giving up booze for the month.
What, is that cos you rode on the motorâÂ"mower? No, no.
It's about proving I can do it, really.
Be brutal with me if you see me wavering.
Crispy triangle? The hardest job in building, in all building, is hanging doors properly.
No, Phil, that's the easiest job.
No, no.
It looks easiest, but it's the hardest.
Well, I don't know.
I'm a bit torn.
âÂ" Why? âÂ" Well, er, yeah.
Might I suggest it's somewhere between the two? Ooh, everyone listen to Captain Sensible, Mr NoâÂ"drinks.
Why don't you sponsor me? âÂ" In what? âÂ" Not drinking.
For a month, say.
If I could do a month you could all give me 90 quid.
(All laugh) âÂ" I'm just gonna get a quick pint.
âÂ" No! No, no, Mrs.
I insist that pupils at this school call their teachers by the traditional Sir or Miss.
âÂ" The three of us discussed this âÂ" Failure to do so is one more symptom of the erosion of discipline in schools and thence in society as a whole.
The belief that we're all the same, that a sevenâÂ"yearâÂ"old girl has the same rights and privileges as a justice of the peace.
âÂ" Well, doesn't she? âÂ" No.
It's the same process of enforced intimacy whereby in my petrol station I'm ritually called "mate".
Indeed, I know that matey, "ma'ey", is now creeping in.
Erm, we stand at the front of the class and tell the children what to do all day.
I think they realise we're not all the same.
And then there's the problem that Miss suggests all female teachers are unmarried girls and Sir that male teachers all carry a natural authority.
Oh, yes, well, God forbid.
So I trust we'll hear no more of this.
Erm, no.
I'm afraid, as a body of, erm, teachers, we feel quite strongly that the children should I see.
And that is the final view of your body? Mm.
Well, this is an important matter and I've no choice but to call an emergency meeting of the school governors.
Will you leave, please? It's good, isn't it? Three days without alcohol, that shows I've got the willpower of of an ox.
At least an ox.
It just shows you, when you're in that state, how pivotal drink is.
It's the great, moist crutch that's propping up the sick body of British society.
Would you mind not mentioning moist crutches with my family? The only question is, how come I feel like total shit? âÂ" It's all the toxins coming out.
âÂ" That's all I need.
Show me your tongue.
It should be all furry.
Ugh! (Laughing) That's disgusting! âÂ" (Angrily) Oh, piss off! âÂ" UhâÂ"uhâÂ"uh.
I'm sorry, the strain is enormous.
I'm sorry I'm being irritable.
âÂ" It's good, isn't it? âÂ" Mm.
Isn't the problem that there's an insufficient client base to support a photographer, so you're ultimately doomed? âÂ" Doomed.
âÂ" Doomed.
Doomed.
If you'll just excuse me, I'm going to get a drink.
No, lan, we're all being very supportive.
Yes, we're all very proud of you.
Can I change my pledge to drinking in moderation? âÂ" No, you can't.
âÂ" Helen, draw the curtains.
Oh, yes, OK.
Hang on.
Right.
âÂ" Erm, OK, so, hello, everyone.
Hello? âÂ" Hello! We're gathered here this evening to celebrate me finally having put up curtains throughout my house.
Yey! âÂ" Hooray.
âÂ" I know.
It's taken seven years.
And this is the last curtain, which I am now going to solemnly draw across.
Oh, no, lan, you do it, as the latest arrival in the family.
âÂ" Oh, no, I couldn't possibly.
âÂ" Do it.
âÂ" Go on.
âÂ" I'll just do it.
âÂ" Yay! âÂ" Whoo! âÂ" Super pattern, darling.
Super pattern.
âÂ" Lovely.
âÂ" Yeah, but not the right colour.
âÂ" Oh, course it's the right colour.
It is.
I've made a terrible mistake and I feel sick.
Come on.
Come on.
It's OK, come on.
Come on.
It's OK.
âÂ" The usual, please.
âÂ" No, I'm sorry.
âÂ" Hm? âÂ" You told me to refuse to serve you alcohol.
Oh, the pledge? Oh, right.
That's changed from, you know, to drinking in moderation.
âÂ" You said, "Don't ever listen to me.
" âÂ" Not never ever.
âÂ" It's a whole lan.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" lâÂ"lâÂ"an! âÂ" lâÂ"lâÂ"an! âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Hello.
John, will you buy me a pint, please? âÂ" No.
You said you'd never ever âÂ" I know what I said.
This is a test, isn't it? Will anybody please Will anybody âÂ" Can I have 15 portions of sherry trifle, please? âÂ" No.
âÂ" Give me a grapefruit juice.
âÂ" Pink or regular? I don't give a toss.
God, have a drink! If you need one so much.
I don't need it! I don't care! Anyway, you've drank the house dry.
Just think what it says about us if you can't survive without a drink down here.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" lan.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Peter.
Hi.
How are you two? âÂ" Ooh, very well.
How are you, lan? âÂ" Oh, I'm OK.
You know.
I'm OK.
âÂ" How did Louis get over his leg? âÂ" Oh, very well, thanks.
Fortunately, it turned out to be a twist.
Oh, right.
I'll just take one of these.
A twist, eh? That's good.
I'm sorry, lan.
No.
What? I'm sorry, but if a medical practitioner or a customer himself asks us not to serve someone, then we do like to stick to that.
But you're an offâÂ"licence.
I mean, I could accuse you of hypocrisy.
Oh, well.
It's for my Uncle Teddy.
He's got this, er, blood alcohol thing.
He needs to have the right ratio, otherwise he can't breathe through his nose.
I'm not an alcoholic.
That's obviously what people think.
Well, but I must I should be I should be an alcoholic down here.
In the great nothingness.
But I'm not.
But if somebody tells me I can't have something or, "You can't do it," I think, "Well, I want it, I'll have it" and "I will do it.
" That's why I That's why I only lasted eight minutes as a vegetarian.
But the implications, as well.
Personal freedom.
Cos if you say to somebody, "You can't change your mind," that means that it becomes It's all like, you know And 1984.
Rolled into one.
Is there a choice of background? Uh? You know, er, actually, I was wondering, could I, er Very quickly, cos my wife is Could I, er, just to nip into Penfold.
Could I borrow your car? No, I have to do the shopping.
Right.
Shopping.
Right.
Three On Tuesdays and Saturdays! I don't believe it.
Shit! Fifteen barrels of cold water âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" Er, sorry.
I move rather quietly.
Headmaster.
I I wanted to have a chat about tonight's governors' meeting.
I'm distressed to find myself isolated on this issue.
As my father, governor Yardley, always says, "You must be doing something right "if nobody agrees with anything you say or do.
" Don't get frustrated, Carl.
Remember what we talked about.
Yes.
Yes, your fa He's very But perhaps we should talk about awe.
Or what? Er, wonderment, awe.
Which I regard as a good thing.
It seems to me that awe drives everything that's good about the world.
We need awe to, er to love people, to look up to our heroes or to change the world.
And awe is now under attack.
It's being replaced by indifference, stupor, blind tolerance and cool.
I suppose this is my point.
This is my point.
If a pupil loses his, er or her, erm awe for their teacher, albeit mixed up with other emotions, er, learning and selfâÂ"control break down.
So you think that the children would have more awe for me if they called me Miss, then? No, I Look, if Miss is a stumbling block I'd be prepared to compromise on Mrs Lyons.
I'm sure Mr Few and Mrs Deacon wouldn't mind and then we could avoid this meeting.
No, I don't think that would be fair.
Fine.
I'm coming tonight, by the way.
That's not normal.
Oh, well.
Top shelf.
I'm sorry I've been away.
I meant to call.
But I'm back now.
And another one.
Another one.
For the little boy who lives down the lane.
And something for the plants.
No, I can't carry that for four bloody miles.
No, I'll eat them.
Hi.
That would have been really annoying.
I'm sorry, mate.
You're on my board.
What? "Do not serve this man alcohol.
" D'you still want the biscuits, though? (Coin rattling) (Groaning) Why do I have to eat the whole packet? Why does he eat the whole packet? Stay away from me.
(Shouting) âÂ" Give me an A! âÂ" A! âÂ" Give me an A! âÂ" A! So what brings you out and about, then, nature boy? I went to get a drink and my photograph is in the pub and the offâÂ"licence.
Are you suggesting it was us? âÂ" Well, it was, wasn't it? âÂ" Yeah.
So? Here, lan Look, don't take it so bad, mate.
We're only trying to help you to help yourself.
We're like your personal trainers, your liver police.
Dean, just go away.
You're making me feel more sober.
No! No, I won't.
No.
And I'll tell you why not.
Because I've got something at home which will help ease your pain.
Without interfering with your solemn and binding pledge.
I've got a school governors' meeting.
No, no.
Lan, this is far more important.
Now some people make these into tea.
Some people cook 'em up in an omelette.
But me, I I just chew 'em.
Because, well, that's me, I suppose.
I don't know, Dean.
I'm a bit nervous.
Don't be nervous.
Look, it's mushroom.
It's a growing thing.
Everything that grows is good.
So, erm, how did the, er grand opening of the curtains go, then? âÂ" Fine.
If you like that kind of thing.
âÂ" Yeah.
Why don't you go to any of those family dos? Dunno, really.
I suppose because I sense I don't really belong.
I mean, I'm the youngest.
In a lot of ways I'm, you know, regarded as the runt of the family.
âÂ" But a big runt, you know? âÂ" Mm.
You are.
You're a big runt.
âÂ" Yeah.
Yeah, a big runt.
âÂ" A big runt.
âÂ" A big runt.
âÂ" A really big runt.
âÂ" (lan, smacking lips) Very nibbly, aren't they? âÂ" Mm.
âÂ" (Dean) In a sort of chicken kind of way.
âÂ" Mm.
(lan) FingerâÂ"lickin', mindâÂ"warping good.
Well, I should declare an interest in that Lisa is my daughter.
Obviously.
And if she says this change is benefiting the children, that's good enough for me.
Fine.
Naked nepotism was ne'er so charmingly expressed.
Nevertheless, we are here to reach a balanced judgment âÂ" (Twanging, jingling) âÂ" on this situation.
Look what I found in the hall.
Just lying there.
Sorry I'm late.
Carry on.
Been having mushrooms with Dean.
âÂ" My own âÂ" Totally clean.
Nothing to drink.
âÂ" Sorry, carry on.
âÂ" (Chiming) My own view is that school should be a preparation for life.
And we live in a formal society, so school should reflect that formality.
Oh I didn't understand a word of that.
Did you? What? Oh, no.
Good point.
Good point.
Good point.
It's very complex.
Like those pictures in the hall, the ones we should have in here, âÂ" the purple beetle and âÂ" Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(Clears throat) We've been discussing this now for quite a long time and we're all, to a greater or a lesser extent, tired! So hands up those in favour of the traditional form of address.
âÂ" Two, three, four.
âÂ" Look at the pictures, look at the pictures.
Those in favour of the new way, hands up.
three, four.
Four each.
Mr Lyons, you have the casting vote.
âÂ" Is it me? âÂ" It's you.
I've listened to the ebb and flow, back and forth, here we are again.
What'll we do? I don't know.
âÂ" But nobody's mentioned this echo.
âÂ" (Footsteps echoing) Amazing.
It's actually better if there's some background noise.
You be a hen.
You be a hen and I'll go over there.
âÂ" Be a hen.
âÂ" (Clucks) âÂ" Yeah.
And I'll go over here and do the âÂ" Stop this.
Not you.
The lady with the moving hair.
âÂ" Stop this! âÂ" That's another very good point.
So it's me again, is it? Ebb and flow and all that.
OK.
Well, I happen to think that children are people.
I think.
Smaller.
Much smaller.
Little trousers, little voices, but still people.
They should be allowed to call anybody by their given name, whatever that is.
In this case, it's Honor and Lisa and the man.
What's his name again? âÂ" Derek.
âÂ" Oh, yeah.
I mean, am I right? Astley? Astle? Assles? Yes.
âÂ" See? âÂ" I'm afraid I don't think you are.
Oh.
Well, that's the way I'm voting, they're the votes from the Irish jury, so stuff you.
Oh That's it.
Good evening.
Well, now, all go home.
Home, home, home, home, home.
Home.
See you in the pub! We always go for an amontillado afterwards.
Don't we? Lads? Lads? Bit of sherry.
Hm? Some of that gingeryâÂ"looking crap you all drink.
Where are you going? âÂ" It was all right, wasn't it? âÂ" Mm.
I thought so.
(# Menacing music) Hello, Mrs er Certainly, Headmaster.
Er, how are the erm? âÂ" Oh, they're fine.
âÂ" Good.
Good.
âÂ" (Raucous chanting) lâÂ"aâÂ"an! âÂ" laâÂ"aâÂ"n! Here, lan, what's brown and hard and doesn't make sense? Er, I don't know.
(Gibberish) Tough shit.
It was in the bog.
âÂ" (Door opens) âÂ" Sis! âÂ" Hi.
Don't lift me up.
âÂ" I'm not gonna lift you up.
âÂ" Can you change that for me? âÂ" Yeah, no problem.
SupergiâÂ"iâÂ"irl! âÂ" Just two fives is lovely.
âÂ" She used to love that.
You're a star.
Thank you.
Hi, lan.
You always seem to be in here.
It's nice to be where everybody knows your name.
There you go, Steve.
âÂ" That's a joke between him and himself.
âÂ" Yes.
I have noticed, when talking with the children, they've started referring to you as, erm, Lisa.
Rather than Miss or, indeed, er, Mrs Lyons.
Yeah.
Honor, Derek and I decided to change it a couple of months ago.
âÂ" The children seem to prefer it.
âÂ" Yes.
I'd like the practice to stop.
Oh, why? For the same reason I don't want my chiropodist calling me by my first name.
Is it helpful to compare the person who does your feet with an eightâÂ"yearâÂ"old whose trust you're trying to earn? Yes, I'd like the practice to stop.
Thank you.
And the school governors are about to meet and I'd like to confirm your husband's appointment to their number.
Yes, I don't think he is the best choice.
He's a fresh face in the village.
It isn't really that, though, is it? It's no secret that I admire his stance on discipline.
He smacked a difficult child he was photographing, which he regrets.
Well, I I've sent him a letter.
I just thought you should know.
âÂ" So is that the criteria? âÂ" "On".
I don't think you know lan very well if âÂ" (Pencil sharpening) âÂ" Never mind.
D'you think I'll get a chain of office? Or a special little black car with little black windows? No.
Will people have to call me "Governor"? In the chemist, "Good afternoon, Governor lan, here's your Preparation H.
" It's not that much of an honour.
They have trouble finding anyone at all.
I wouldn't be surprised if they'd already asked about 88 people.
âÂ" Oh, really? âÂ" What d'you mean, "Oh, really?"? I'm getting just a whiff of jealousy here.
(Chuckling) I'm not jealous.
It's because, effectively, now I'm your boss, isn't it? âÂ" No, you're not.
âÂ" First thing I'm gonna do is make all the lady teachers wear seeâÂ"through, short, leather skirts.
So I can see their pants.
Then they'll all have to straddle me, one by one.
âÂ" You're drinking too much.
âÂ" What else is there to do here? âÂ" Apart from hoe.
âÂ" Mm nothing.
âÂ" "Nothing, Governor.
" âÂ" Shh! Nothing, Governor.
No, it's a serious job.
I'll take it seriously.
You may get up now.
The governor can't feel his left leg.
So, that's agreed.
We shall advertise for a new dinner lady, but this time we'll specify someone with a cooking background.
âÂ" Mm.
âÂ" Yes? Agreed on that? Good.
Thank you.
I always think they should be called school lunch ladies, don't you? âÂ" Hm? âÂ" Although, nowadays, school lunch persons would be considered more appropriate.
âÂ" Hm! PC PC âÂ" (Laughing) Apologies.
Turkey business.
Mr Lyons, this is Mr Yardley, who's been an honorary governor for some 30 years.
I know.
He's my fatherâÂ"inâÂ"law.
Of course.
One occasionally forgets that everyone in this village is related.
Oh (Clears throat) The, er, west wall short corridor is still extremely damp.
Bringing a rather nasty fungus, from all accounts, âÂ" which children are starting to pick at.
âÂ" Indeed.
âÂ" I'll get some of my men to fix it.
âÂ" Thank you, Mr Yardley.
âÂ" Isn't that a false economy? âÂ" What? The local education authority will never fund a realistic maintenance programme if the school's being repaired ad hoc outside the budget.
You are obviously not familiar with the concept of a community looking after itself.
No, I am.
It's just that, surely help like this from Snowle's major fowl tsar would be better spent on projects that the authority won't fund.
I think you've got a point there, Mr Lyons.
Yes, instead instead, Mr Yardley, perhaps you could contribute help in kind to the Millennium millpond.
Yes.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good.
âÂ" (Laughter) âÂ" (Man) Minicab for Mr Lyons.
âÂ" Oh âÂ" (Giggling) Someone keeps letting the tyres down on the mobile library.
Really? Erm, yes.
âÂ" (Young men belching) âÂ" Perhaps it's a slow puncture.
âÂ" Or âÂ" Er, I don't think so.
Ah.
Probably some bastard from WHSmith's.
I think they've changed the sherry in here.
(Laughing) Can you excuse me, please? I want to go to the toilet.
Mm.
âÂ" Mm.
âÂ" It's a bit tinny.
âÂ" Are you all right there, mate? âÂ" Poof.
âÂ" D'you know who you look like in a tie? âÂ" What? âÂ" A complete wanker.
A wanker's wanker.
âÂ" It's my pillarâÂ"ofâÂ"theâÂ"community look.
âÂ" Pillock of the community.
âÂ" Top joke, John! I had to get out of there.
My brains are gonna start tumbling out.
Have a lager.
We bought four pints each to cut down on the walking.
TopâÂ"up.
Whoo! âÂ" Wahey! âÂ" Hey! Just just just one.
âÂ" Oh, yeah! âÂ" Oh, yeah! (Laughing) Two men went to mow I've always wanted one of these.
âÂ" What, a cricket pitch? Yeah! âÂ" (Both laughing) âÂ" Hey, listen, lan.
âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" I've got a secret, right? âÂ" OK.
I've always really badly wanted to have sex with my sister, Helen.
So have I! Oh, you're very frightening! (Laughing) âÂ" (Horn) âÂ" (Tyres screeching) (Dog barking) That is incredibly poor roadâÂ"holding.
(Laughing hysterically) Oh, shit.
We'd better make ourselves scarce.
OK.
You be plutonium and I'll be some diamonds.
(Snorting) It's OK! It's OK! I am a governor.
I am a governor.
Go into your house and prepare for government.
âÂ" Oh, can I turn the radio on now? âÂ" (lan) No.
Please.
No.
âÂ" No noise.
No noise.
âÂ" Shall I ring up Jean Bulmer and tell her you're feeling too shitty to photograph her today? No.
No.
I'll be all right.
In a week.
Did Norriswood complain about the kids calling us by our first names? Why do people drink, anyway? I mean, what is the point of it? Standing around tipping it into your face.
I've never seen it.
âÂ" Maybe you should give up for a while.
âÂ" Yeah.
That's a good idea.
âÂ" You have been knocking it back a bit.
âÂ" Yeah.
The only friends you've made are the Hubners, who run the offâÂ"licence.
They're nice people.
We should have them round, if only to see what bottles they bring.
You could just give up for a month.
No, you have to do it forever.
Make a clean break.
Leave it behind.
Go on, leave it.
Tea.
Start start with a month.
Then segue into forever.
OK, who can tell me where the two lungs are? Anyone? (Panting) Yep, Joe? Would you like to point out on the diagram? âÂ" (Giggling) âÂ" Erm, no, you know that's not right.
Pop yourself back in the seat, good lad.
Erm lungs.
Someone must know where the lungs are.
No? OK, lungs are there and there and they're for breathing.
So, the stomach.
Who knows where the tummy is? âÂ" Me! Me! âÂ" Derek! Derek! You're all very good at the tummy.
Now open them up and have a look at the shape.
Natalie, hold yours up, show the headmaster.
âÂ" How lovely.
âÂ" Lisa, Lisa, mine's torn.
âÂ" It doesn't matter.
âÂ" Can I have more paper? âÂ" We've already discussed this.
âÂ" No.
âÂ" Gavin, d'you want a drink? âÂ" Oh, cheers.
Pint.
A pint for Gavin and a fruit juice for me, please.
âÂ" Fruit juice? âÂ" I've giving up booze for the month.
What, is that cos you rode on the motorâÂ"mower? No, no.
It's about proving I can do it, really.
Be brutal with me if you see me wavering.
Crispy triangle? The hardest job in building, in all building, is hanging doors properly.
No, Phil, that's the easiest job.
No, no.
It looks easiest, but it's the hardest.
Well, I don't know.
I'm a bit torn.
âÂ" Why? âÂ" Well, er, yeah.
Might I suggest it's somewhere between the two? Ooh, everyone listen to Captain Sensible, Mr NoâÂ"drinks.
Why don't you sponsor me? âÂ" In what? âÂ" Not drinking.
For a month, say.
If I could do a month you could all give me 90 quid.
(All laugh) âÂ" I'm just gonna get a quick pint.
âÂ" No! No, no, Mrs.
I insist that pupils at this school call their teachers by the traditional Sir or Miss.
âÂ" The three of us discussed this âÂ" Failure to do so is one more symptom of the erosion of discipline in schools and thence in society as a whole.
The belief that we're all the same, that a sevenâÂ"yearâÂ"old girl has the same rights and privileges as a justice of the peace.
âÂ" Well, doesn't she? âÂ" No.
It's the same process of enforced intimacy whereby in my petrol station I'm ritually called "mate".
Indeed, I know that matey, "ma'ey", is now creeping in.
Erm, we stand at the front of the class and tell the children what to do all day.
I think they realise we're not all the same.
And then there's the problem that Miss suggests all female teachers are unmarried girls and Sir that male teachers all carry a natural authority.
Oh, yes, well, God forbid.
So I trust we'll hear no more of this.
Erm, no.
I'm afraid, as a body of, erm, teachers, we feel quite strongly that the children should I see.
And that is the final view of your body? Mm.
Well, this is an important matter and I've no choice but to call an emergency meeting of the school governors.
Will you leave, please? It's good, isn't it? Three days without alcohol, that shows I've got the willpower of of an ox.
At least an ox.
It just shows you, when you're in that state, how pivotal drink is.
It's the great, moist crutch that's propping up the sick body of British society.
Would you mind not mentioning moist crutches with my family? The only question is, how come I feel like total shit? âÂ" It's all the toxins coming out.
âÂ" That's all I need.
Show me your tongue.
It should be all furry.
Ugh! (Laughing) That's disgusting! âÂ" (Angrily) Oh, piss off! âÂ" UhâÂ"uhâÂ"uh.
I'm sorry, the strain is enormous.
I'm sorry I'm being irritable.
âÂ" It's good, isn't it? âÂ" Mm.
Isn't the problem that there's an insufficient client base to support a photographer, so you're ultimately doomed? âÂ" Doomed.
âÂ" Doomed.
Doomed.
If you'll just excuse me, I'm going to get a drink.
No, lan, we're all being very supportive.
Yes, we're all very proud of you.
Can I change my pledge to drinking in moderation? âÂ" No, you can't.
âÂ" Helen, draw the curtains.
Oh, yes, OK.
Hang on.
Right.
âÂ" Erm, OK, so, hello, everyone.
Hello? âÂ" Hello! We're gathered here this evening to celebrate me finally having put up curtains throughout my house.
Yey! âÂ" Hooray.
âÂ" I know.
It's taken seven years.
And this is the last curtain, which I am now going to solemnly draw across.
Oh, no, lan, you do it, as the latest arrival in the family.
âÂ" Oh, no, I couldn't possibly.
âÂ" Do it.
âÂ" Go on.
âÂ" I'll just do it.
âÂ" Yay! âÂ" Whoo! âÂ" Super pattern, darling.
Super pattern.
âÂ" Lovely.
âÂ" Yeah, but not the right colour.
âÂ" Oh, course it's the right colour.
It is.
I've made a terrible mistake and I feel sick.
Come on.
Come on.
It's OK, come on.
Come on.
It's OK.
âÂ" The usual, please.
âÂ" No, I'm sorry.
âÂ" Hm? âÂ" You told me to refuse to serve you alcohol.
Oh, the pledge? Oh, right.
That's changed from, you know, to drinking in moderation.
âÂ" You said, "Don't ever listen to me.
" âÂ" Not never ever.
âÂ" It's a whole lan.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" lâÂ"lâÂ"an! âÂ" lâÂ"lâÂ"an! âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Hello.
John, will you buy me a pint, please? âÂ" No.
You said you'd never ever âÂ" I know what I said.
This is a test, isn't it? Will anybody please Will anybody âÂ" Can I have 15 portions of sherry trifle, please? âÂ" No.
âÂ" Give me a grapefruit juice.
âÂ" Pink or regular? I don't give a toss.
God, have a drink! If you need one so much.
I don't need it! I don't care! Anyway, you've drank the house dry.
Just think what it says about us if you can't survive without a drink down here.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" lan.
âÂ" Hi.
âÂ" Peter.
Hi.
How are you two? âÂ" Ooh, very well.
How are you, lan? âÂ" Oh, I'm OK.
You know.
I'm OK.
âÂ" How did Louis get over his leg? âÂ" Oh, very well, thanks.
Fortunately, it turned out to be a twist.
Oh, right.
I'll just take one of these.
A twist, eh? That's good.
I'm sorry, lan.
No.
What? I'm sorry, but if a medical practitioner or a customer himself asks us not to serve someone, then we do like to stick to that.
But you're an offâÂ"licence.
I mean, I could accuse you of hypocrisy.
Oh, well.
It's for my Uncle Teddy.
He's got this, er, blood alcohol thing.
He needs to have the right ratio, otherwise he can't breathe through his nose.
I'm not an alcoholic.
That's obviously what people think.
Well, but I must I should be I should be an alcoholic down here.
In the great nothingness.
But I'm not.
But if somebody tells me I can't have something or, "You can't do it," I think, "Well, I want it, I'll have it" and "I will do it.
" That's why I That's why I only lasted eight minutes as a vegetarian.
But the implications, as well.
Personal freedom.
Cos if you say to somebody, "You can't change your mind," that means that it becomes It's all like, you know And 1984.
Rolled into one.
Is there a choice of background? Uh? You know, er, actually, I was wondering, could I, er Very quickly, cos my wife is Could I, er, just to nip into Penfold.
Could I borrow your car? No, I have to do the shopping.
Right.
Shopping.
Right.
Three On Tuesdays and Saturdays! I don't believe it.
Shit! Fifteen barrels of cold water âÂ" Oh.
âÂ" Er, sorry.
I move rather quietly.
Headmaster.
I I wanted to have a chat about tonight's governors' meeting.
I'm distressed to find myself isolated on this issue.
As my father, governor Yardley, always says, "You must be doing something right "if nobody agrees with anything you say or do.
" Don't get frustrated, Carl.
Remember what we talked about.
Yes.
Yes, your fa He's very But perhaps we should talk about awe.
Or what? Er, wonderment, awe.
Which I regard as a good thing.
It seems to me that awe drives everything that's good about the world.
We need awe to, er to love people, to look up to our heroes or to change the world.
And awe is now under attack.
It's being replaced by indifference, stupor, blind tolerance and cool.
I suppose this is my point.
This is my point.
If a pupil loses his, er or her, erm awe for their teacher, albeit mixed up with other emotions, er, learning and selfâÂ"control break down.
So you think that the children would have more awe for me if they called me Miss, then? No, I Look, if Miss is a stumbling block I'd be prepared to compromise on Mrs Lyons.
I'm sure Mr Few and Mrs Deacon wouldn't mind and then we could avoid this meeting.
No, I don't think that would be fair.
Fine.
I'm coming tonight, by the way.
That's not normal.
Oh, well.
Top shelf.
I'm sorry I've been away.
I meant to call.
But I'm back now.
And another one.
Another one.
For the little boy who lives down the lane.
And something for the plants.
No, I can't carry that for four bloody miles.
No, I'll eat them.
Hi.
That would have been really annoying.
I'm sorry, mate.
You're on my board.
What? "Do not serve this man alcohol.
" D'you still want the biscuits, though? (Coin rattling) (Groaning) Why do I have to eat the whole packet? Why does he eat the whole packet? Stay away from me.
(Shouting) âÂ" Give me an A! âÂ" A! âÂ" Give me an A! âÂ" A! So what brings you out and about, then, nature boy? I went to get a drink and my photograph is in the pub and the offâÂ"licence.
Are you suggesting it was us? âÂ" Well, it was, wasn't it? âÂ" Yeah.
So? Here, lan Look, don't take it so bad, mate.
We're only trying to help you to help yourself.
We're like your personal trainers, your liver police.
Dean, just go away.
You're making me feel more sober.
No! No, I won't.
No.
And I'll tell you why not.
Because I've got something at home which will help ease your pain.
Without interfering with your solemn and binding pledge.
I've got a school governors' meeting.
No, no.
Lan, this is far more important.
Now some people make these into tea.
Some people cook 'em up in an omelette.
But me, I I just chew 'em.
Because, well, that's me, I suppose.
I don't know, Dean.
I'm a bit nervous.
Don't be nervous.
Look, it's mushroom.
It's a growing thing.
Everything that grows is good.
So, erm, how did the, er grand opening of the curtains go, then? âÂ" Fine.
If you like that kind of thing.
âÂ" Yeah.
Why don't you go to any of those family dos? Dunno, really.
I suppose because I sense I don't really belong.
I mean, I'm the youngest.
In a lot of ways I'm, you know, regarded as the runt of the family.
âÂ" But a big runt, you know? âÂ" Mm.
You are.
You're a big runt.
âÂ" Yeah.
Yeah, a big runt.
âÂ" A big runt.
âÂ" A big runt.
âÂ" A really big runt.
âÂ" (lan, smacking lips) Very nibbly, aren't they? âÂ" Mm.
âÂ" (Dean) In a sort of chicken kind of way.
âÂ" Mm.
(lan) FingerâÂ"lickin', mindâÂ"warping good.
Well, I should declare an interest in that Lisa is my daughter.
Obviously.
And if she says this change is benefiting the children, that's good enough for me.
Fine.
Naked nepotism was ne'er so charmingly expressed.
Nevertheless, we are here to reach a balanced judgment âÂ" (Twanging, jingling) âÂ" on this situation.
Look what I found in the hall.
Just lying there.
Sorry I'm late.
Carry on.
Been having mushrooms with Dean.
âÂ" My own âÂ" Totally clean.
Nothing to drink.
âÂ" Sorry, carry on.
âÂ" (Chiming) My own view is that school should be a preparation for life.
And we live in a formal society, so school should reflect that formality.
Oh I didn't understand a word of that.
Did you? What? Oh, no.
Good point.
Good point.
Good point.
It's very complex.
Like those pictures in the hall, the ones we should have in here, âÂ" the purple beetle and âÂ" Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(Clears throat) We've been discussing this now for quite a long time and we're all, to a greater or a lesser extent, tired! So hands up those in favour of the traditional form of address.
âÂ" Two, three, four.
âÂ" Look at the pictures, look at the pictures.
Those in favour of the new way, hands up.
three, four.
Four each.
Mr Lyons, you have the casting vote.
âÂ" Is it me? âÂ" It's you.
I've listened to the ebb and flow, back and forth, here we are again.
What'll we do? I don't know.
âÂ" But nobody's mentioned this echo.
âÂ" (Footsteps echoing) Amazing.
It's actually better if there's some background noise.
You be a hen.
You be a hen and I'll go over there.
âÂ" Be a hen.
âÂ" (Clucks) âÂ" Yeah.
And I'll go over here and do the âÂ" Stop this.
Not you.
The lady with the moving hair.
âÂ" Stop this! âÂ" That's another very good point.
So it's me again, is it? Ebb and flow and all that.
OK.
Well, I happen to think that children are people.
I think.
Smaller.
Much smaller.
Little trousers, little voices, but still people.
They should be allowed to call anybody by their given name, whatever that is.
In this case, it's Honor and Lisa and the man.
What's his name again? âÂ" Derek.
âÂ" Oh, yeah.
I mean, am I right? Astley? Astle? Assles? Yes.
âÂ" See? âÂ" I'm afraid I don't think you are.
Oh.
Well, that's the way I'm voting, they're the votes from the Irish jury, so stuff you.
Oh That's it.
Good evening.
Well, now, all go home.
Home, home, home, home, home.
Home.
See you in the pub! We always go for an amontillado afterwards.
Don't we? Lads? Lads? Bit of sherry.
Hm? Some of that gingeryâÂ"looking crap you all drink.
Where are you going? âÂ" It was all right, wasn't it? âÂ" Mm.
I thought so.