Ideal (2005) s02e02 Episode Script

You're right scrummy when you're angry.
You're like the thinking man's Christopher Biggins.
Shut it, Kojak! You're trying to wind me up, and I'm not having it, Brian.
Yeah, but you see, something erogenous may have unfolded.
-You know, I can't remember it either.
-No.
No, it didn't.
Look, it don't matter how pissed I was last night, there's no way I'd let meself get so out of it that I'd end up playing postman and letterbox with you.
-It's the booze.
Our minds must've blanked it out.
-Oi.
Just 'cause I can't remember it, it don't mean it definitely happened.
You will never know You'll never know anything ever again if I jam this Q-tip in your skull! Hey, these sheets need a good wash and all.
Well, they didn't.
Not before you went rolling your big, gay body all over 'em.
-TROY: Should've knocked, should I? -Hi, hi.
It's not what it looks like, our kid, so don't go getting any funny ideas.
-How do you know what it looks like? -It looks like -Forget what it looks like.
It just isn't.
- Denial.
It isn't.
You don't have to worry about me, bro.
I'm not anti-bender.
Right, that's it.
You're moving out of that spare room this afternoon.
-Oh, is the spare room going? Can I have a peep? -No.
'Cause our Troy's moving back in, aren't you? Cheers, bro.
Keep living the dream.
I got some part-baked croissants in my bag.
Shall I stick 'em in the stove -and pop the kettle on? -Ooh, yeah.
-Now, can I top up your coffee? -Ooh, ta.
-It never ends.
-Hey, you're all right.
I'll get it.
Ta, Nicki.
Good morning.
This is Mr Rupani.
I am ringing to remind you that I am coming to check the inventory this afternoon.
You're what? What you gobbing on about, you? As you know, it is my right to inspect the flat.
Yeah, all right.
Hang on.
It's your landlord.
Mr Rupani! Everything all right with the rent? DSS haven't stopped it again, have they? Lazy buggers.
Who am I talking to, please? -It's me, Moz, your tenant.
-Ah, Mr Moz.
Who was that other chap? That's just me cleaner.
Ah, good.
Because I am coming to visit you this afternoon.
I'm not sure I'm gonna be free this afternoon.
I've got a spare window tomorrow afternoon.
-What is wrong with your windows? -Nothing.
The windows are fine.
-I'm just saying -I will call at 5:00 pm this afternoon.
Do you understand, Mr.
Moz? -Look forward to seeing you, yeah.
-We can check the inventory.
-Make sure everything is ship-shape.
-Ship-shape.
You ever seen the Titanic? Mr Rupani's coming at 5:00.
It's just after 1:00 now, so that's loads of time.
Oh for God's sake, Mrs.
Coneybear, get a rest, will you? -Can you stick around, Brian, and help us out? -Oh, I give and I give and I give.
Oh please Bri.
Help me tidy up.
I bet you're brilliant at it.
-Nobody does pernickety like a gay man.
-Well, funny you should say that, because aside from the latex dancing, that's me main source of income at the mo.
-I'm an erotic home help.
-Erotic home help? It's a basically nude tidying-up for the frail.
Good money.
Picked up some nice knick-knacks.
Please, Brian, give me the benefit of your neatness, but keep your clothes on.
I don't normally do consultancy work.
- Ah, go on, man.
-Right! I'll get some bin liners, some washing up liquid, and some big dusters.
-While I'm out, you make a start here.
- You betcha! Oh, Sagittarius.
Yeah, Wu-Tang, need a pill for a thrill, rub some Vicks on your back.
Get dehydrated, have a fucking heart attack! 1993, flashback, in the house! Oi, Oi, Oi! Oi! -Crazy Frog, turn that off! -Yo, bro, I rock the mike like a vandal.
-You don't rap, you're bald.
-I rock the mike like a fucking vandal! -I rock the mike -Like a vandal.
Yeah, we know.
The landlord's coming, we're on our toes, so get this place tidied up.
I tidy me room like a vandal! Get on with it or I'll put you on an ASBO! You slam the door like a vandal.
-Oh, hi, hi.
-All right, Rubber Ducky? -Is Morris in? -No, he's out foraging for dusters.
Perhaps you can help us, then.
Oh, I like you, you're forceful.
Hi.
-Is our Craig here? -No.
PSYCHO PAUL: We got 210 pairs of trainers, right.
Ooh, luxury.
But we need someone to look after them for a few hours.
STEVE: Craig's me twin brother.
He looks just like us.
This is a photo of him.
Ooh, them's nice.
-We'll be back to pick them up about 4:00.
-BRIAN: Yeah, whatever.
I love trainers, me.
I never go back to shoes, I couldn't.
If you went for a funeral, you'd have to wear shoes then.
No way.
For funerals, I got some black Nikes with sequins all over 'em.
-Sequins? For a funeral? -Well, it's a special occasion, innit? See, them's not bad either.
Mind, I'm looking for something with a fatter lace.
PSYCHO PAUL: Ta-ra, cock.
Ooh, look at them.
Brian, have you been possessed by Imelda Marcos or summat? Cartoon Head and his mates are storing them here, but they're gonna be back to pick 'em up by 4:00.
Must be two hundred pairs of trainers here.
-Ooh, good guess, it's 210.
-Brian, we're trying to tidy up! I'm renting a flat, not running a shoe shop! These are too small! Do you have them in size 5? No, the only ones we got in a 5 are beige.
I do not wear beige.
Beige is no good.
Today you have many, many trainers.
Yeah, 210 pairs.
Aren't we lucky? -Do you have any boots for me to try? -I'll fetch you a good boot in a minute.
Are you sure you're a 5? All right, let's have a look.
Cartoon Head, it's Moz.
Listen, I need you to come and get all these trainers now.
Whoa, whoa, fella, if I can get a word in edgeways! I don't care what Hot Chocolate said.
-It's my house! -Snoop Doggy Dogg got shot over a pair of these.
-These laces are too thin.
I like mine to be wider, like when you see a girl's finger.
-Yeah, well, you can change the laces, can't you? -Oh, you have selection of laces? (GROANING) Yeah, in a minute.
First of all, you want to use this flat as your safe house for your kidnapping.
Now you're turning it into a branch of Clarks! Look, how soon can you get here? Burnley? What are you doing in Burnley? I hope you've had your jabs.
No, you're gonna come and collect the trainers.
No! Not at 4:00! Now! Hello! Cartoon Head! You mouse-faced bastard! Goodbye, Moz.
I'll go now.
Let me know when summer stock comes in.
I want new sandals.
You cleaning door? -Sorry? -You cleaning door? Oh, yes.
I'm cleaning my new door.
Well, un, it's not a new door.
Although I've just moved in, so it's new to me.
-Door was dirty? -Well, yes.
A bit dirty, I suppose.
- Door look very clean now.
- Yes.
I've, um, I've sorted it out, so But the hand is very dirty.
Oh, um, yes.
This wipe clean hand and moisturise hand.
Thanks.
-Hand look very clean now.
-Yes, thanks.
Ah, bucket is very dirty.
What? Oh, it's only, erm Sorry.
Brian, if you've quite finished playing shops! -What you do reckon on them? -Lovely.
A hundred notes.
I don't wanna buy 'em I just wanna try 'em all on.
-What's the point if you're not buying 'em? -I'm browsing.
-You know nowt about shopping, you.
-No time for gay school.
Get them boxed and packed away.
Now! Oh, I were gonna try these on.
Come on! Get a move on! Don't make me pop a cap in your arse.
See, I'm thinking about these Come on! It's teamwork.
It's a chain, it's a chain gang.
Come on, work on it.
MOZ: Just carry on with them! -Oh, hi.
-All right? -Yeah.
You? -Middling.
I'm just heading to the cornershop.
Do you need any semi-skimmed milk? That's the sort I'm getting.
I can get you a different sort of milk, or anything.
No, ta.
Thanks, I'm good.
But there is something you could do for us.
-A sort of neighbourly gesture.
-Oh, sure.
What? Could you hide 210 trainers in your flat? What? Well, actually, it's 420 trainers, but they're in pairs.
Could you hide'em for us? -Are they stolen? -No.
God, no.
Sorry, not hide, stash.
Not stash, keep.
Not keep.
It's only for an hour.
Put.
Could you put them in your flat for an hour? Please? Oh, I don't know.
It sounds a bit dodgy.
Yeah, suppose it does a bit.
They're not mine.
I got a mate.
He's trainer-mad.
I said I'd look after his collection, but the landlord's coming around.
And he's not gonna believe a mad story like that.
No.
He's not.
He's a bit suspicious, isn't he? Suspicious? He's like a paranoid Quincy.
And my place looks like a bomb's gone off in Foot Locker.
So, could you help us out? Please? Alright.
Suppose so.
But just for an hour, sorry.
Thanks, Judith.
Thanks.
You're not gonna regret this.
Thanks, Judith.
You're a brick and a half.
If there's any you fancy, just help yourself.
I don't wear trainers.
They make my feet look big.
-Sorry.
Right, well, I'll see you in an hour.
-Almost certainly.
-You're not going? -Yeah.
Time minces on.
Shit.
You're telling me.
He'll be here in an hour and an half! I thought you were gonna live out your Changing Rooms fantasy I gotta go.
Supposed to be at Rushford Park, dusting in the buff.
Stay here and tidy.
It's way too cold to be taking your clothes off.
You'll end up with goose bumps like udders.
Soz, Moz, I don't wanna let him down.
He's bed-bound.
See ya.
Yeah.
Thanks for all your help, Brian.
You're about as much use as freckles on a Goth! Come on, you tweenie, put your back into it! Soz.
Have you still got the hump thing? Cleared up, 24-hour thing.
-Hey, Flashdance, where'd you get the trainers? -I've always had these.
No, you haven't, they've still got the tag on.
Look, you carry on in here, and I'm gonna go in the kitchen, do some spic-and-spanning.
Don't make it too good, mind, or he might put the rent up.
-Dole pay the rent.
-Oh, yeah, 'course.
Right, then, knock yourself out.
Big fan of your work.
Kitchen's finished.
Same here.
Kim and Aggie would be proud.
- Who? - Kim and Aggie.
They're like Wombles for your house.
Have you got a suit? What's wrong with bubblejacket? 'Course I've got a suit.
It came with the flat.
Put it on.
Creates a good impression.
Stops you looking like the Marshmallow Man.
Phew! What you got your court appearance costume on for? -I thought you were Mr Rupani.
-Do I look like an Asian businessman? He's coming round.
It's been like a horrible nightmare.
I had to clean the kitchen.
I thought you looked pale, you poor lamb.
-You coming in or what? -No.
I've just been to the bank to dissolve our joint account.
You need to sign this.
You sorted out the utility bills, then? -What? -Gas, electric, phone bill.
- So that I could take my name off.
- Oh, yeah.
I've made a start on it.
Well? I rang the electric company.
And? They were out.
-You rang the electric company and they were out? -Yeah.
Or maybe they moved.
Moz, show some responsibility.
You know what they say.
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Right, I'll do it.
Great.
Well, before I get on, is there anything else I can do for you? Go fuck yourself.
Yeah, well, if I could do that, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place! There's me ketamine.
I look like a Reservoir Dogs balloon.
Shit.
-Mr Rupani.
-Good afternoon, Mr Moz.
Nice to see you.
-You're wearing a suit.
-Yeah, so are you.
I was under the impression you were unemployed.
Yeah, but you gotta keep a positive attitude.
People see you wearing a suit on the outside and they assume you're wearing a suit on the inside.
And? Are you? Well, I'm inside now, aren't I? -May I see the kitchen, please? -With pleasure.
-This room is in a reasonable state of repair.
-It's always like this.
I'm Virgo, you see.
-This toaster is very grubby, and it's broken.
-That's my toaster.
- It ain't on inventory.
- Get it fixed please.
- Course.
- This flat is a two-person dwelling.
-Where is your girlfriend? -She's round at her mate's at the moment.
Nicki's not on the inventory, is she? -Now, that is a problem I do have.
-Problem? What problem? In the last month or so, the pipes have started rattling.
That's what pipes do.
Should I get a plumber to have a look at 'em and he can sort the bill out with you? No no, there's no problem there.
-It gets a bit loud! -What? The pipes, they get a bit loud! Pipes rattle, Mr Moz.
That is what pipes do.
It's nature's way.
Show me the pipe that doesn't rattle.
- Well I can't! - Why? There.
This room also seems to be in an adequate state of repair.
I was just saying exactly that before.
10 Steps to Perfect Fatherhood.
Are you thinking of starting a family? Children are not allowed.
No, no.
It's a present for me dad.
-What is the cause of that stain? -What? This stain.
Coming out of the paint.
Damp? -Does not feel damp.
-It might be dry damp.
-Dry damp? -Might be.
-Paint over it, please.
-I've tried, but it keeps coming back.
We'll ignore that, shall we? No, I do not wish to prevent you opening your own front door.
-I'll leave it.
-It is your right.
-I cannot stop you opening your door.
-I'm not bothered.
Open your door.
Exercise your right.
-Colin -All right, Moz.
Look at you! Well smart, eh? You a coke dealer now, then, as well as a hash dealer? - Shut up.
- Hey, do you wanna buy any antique doubloons? -No.
No.
-Got any skunk? I'm on probation.
- Shut it! - You see, it was one of your friends.
You were right to answer.
You can tell a lot about a man by his friends.
-He's not my friend.
-And who are you, young man? -Colin.
All right, I'm on prob -Probiotics! -I beg your pardon? -He's on probiotics.
He swears by 'em.
- Ey? - Probiotics? It's a friendly bacteria that helps the digestive system.
Sets up its own natural defences.
-What? -What? It don't matter.
Fuel crisis, man.
It's a bad sign.
Whoa, unleaded.
You fucking Fucking hunch has come back.
Shit you fucking little bastard.
This is the bathroom.
Pretty much as you remember it.
-Taps -I can see the taps, thank you.
We don't really want any more interrupt I'll go and exercise me rights.
All right, Moz.
How are you? Blimey, it's Oliver Hardy.
Look, now's not really a good time.
Hello, ñonstable.
-Afternoon, sir.
-This is me landlord, Mr Rupani.
Is there some problem? Er, no.
It's good news down here, good news.
What good news? We, er We found your cat.
-I ain't got a cat.
-Pets are not allowed.
I ain't got a cat.
I ain't got a cat.
I must've come to the wrong house.
Must have.
-Why don't you look in your notebook? -Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've come to the wrong house.
-Wrong house.
-Where are you supposed to be? Somewhere different.
Yeah, well, it's an easy mistake to make.
Sorry to have bothered you, sir.
Oh, and thanks again for your help the other day.
-Eh? -Helping us find those missing things.
If only every citizen was as helpful as you, we'd be out of a job.
Goodbye, sir.
I love the police, don't you? Mr Moz, I shall be frank.
I came here today because I had complaints from some of the other tenants.
Especially Mrs Coneybear downstairs.
-She has complained of much noise and confusion.
-Yeah, noise and confusion in her head.
She's going senile, you know.
She told me you had an endless stream of visitors.
That there was strange smells coming from your flat.
However, Mr Moz, I'm quite satisfied by what I've seen today.
Yeah, well, you've got nowt to worry about with me.
I'm a straight-up and above-board as they come.
I'm glad to hear it.
Bleeding hell! Ah, me hood, me hood hurts! Shitting hell! Me brother.
He's staying with us at the moment.
He's a a magician.
Am I not allowed to have magicians?