Idiotsitter (2014) s02e02 Episode Script

1 Probably notice I'm not very talkative this morning.
Not really.
And I don't like to use the word "whack" a lot but the fact that I don't have an office is truly whack.
Oh, my gosh, I love the word whack.
And it totally applies to like my situation where like none of the cool kids at this school can spot a fellow cool kid in me.
Like, I should be drowning in friends.
D'ya know what I mean? You know what? I'm not gonna get into a whack-off with you, Gene.
Why, because you know I'm the whack-off queen? No, because I have it way worse, toots.
Uh, not possible, I have it way worse, babe! - My life is worse! - My life is worse! My life is the worst! (FLESH SPLATTING) So, did you know Professor Steingarten well? Who? The uh successful suicide.
Oh! No, I'm a mid-semester transfer, so, I'm new.
Oh, Professor Steingarten was also a mid-semester transfer.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
That's awesome, I wish I'd known him.
I could have picked his brain about "Picked his brain" is a bad use of words.
He was pretty universally despised.
Not to speak ill of Ned.
Ned? Yeah, the brain - Oh, that Steingarten.
- Right.
- The d-dead the dead - The brain splattered - The dead one the dead one.
- Yeah, yeah.
Anywho, there will be a memorial service held for him which you're more than welcome to attend.
- (PHONE RINGING) - I'll get you some - Dean Arnold's office.
- Hold on, Tim I'm sorry this is the wrong number.
- Tim Tim - This is not Shelby's Pizza.
- Timothy.
Timothy? - It's a seven instead of a three.
- Tim Tim! - No, it's okay.
- Tim! Timothy! - We get it all the time.
Hold on, someone's calling, goodbye! - Timothy! - Yes.
Hey, could you get the memorial info for Ms Brown.
- Brown.
- Yes, it's over here.
- I'm sorry to kick your bag.
- Oh, and Timothy, Timothy while you're doing that, in addition could you also get us some coffee? - Yes, yes.
- I don't drink - It's okay, I don't drink coffee.
- I think you'll love this coffee.
Quite shocking, ain't it? I heard that in the end, he actually lived in his office.
- He had an office? - Oh, yes.
I mean, that's terrible that he was living out of his office? - R.
I R.
I - R.
I.
P.
Right? Yeah.
- Yeah, it was a very - Okay, so - Thank you.
Very spacious office.
- This is coffee.
In the History Department.
You are a history teacher, too, aren't you? - Yes, I am.
- These are some swizzle sticks.
- Just like Ned.
- And, uh, some sugars.
- Thank you.
I love coffee.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Do you? - I do.
- Dean Arnold's office.
- I don't really drink it.
A hard life, eh? Life of a teacher? - I really enjoy it! - We had a suicide! - Yeah, it got everywhere.
- Yeah, it's really fun.
His body got everywhere, yeah.
What were you saying about his office? - That question is a little too - You know someone who died, too? - Too soon, too soon.
- Mom, why did you call me? You and Judy have to stop fighting, Mom! - Too soon.
- Stop fighting, nobody wins.
I'm like, Zooey, I love ya, sis but you gotta stop giving these writers my personal shit.
It's hard being a Deschanel.
Speaking of being upset, what's up? I'd love to, uh, join you guys but I'm still sort of processing, you know? A lot of heavy stuff, scoot? It is me.
Flying incognito, you know? But, uh it's me.
I was the one who saw Steingarten.
Like our eyes met? And in that moment, I said to him "You're a hero.
" And he was like "You're also a hero, you deserve to have a lot of friends.
"I hope you're successful getting friends in life "and mostly at school.
" You know, it's crazy hearing it out loud.
God, it's so hard.
I just am glad we have each other to lean on, you know? Like really lean.
Lean in or hug, you know? - Oh, whoa, watch out.
- Oh, yeah, get up to get into it? - Just can you - Yeah, we need the - Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry, yeah.
- Okay, thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's much better on the wet grass.
Billie! Billie.
Billie! Hey.
I'm fine! - Yeah how are you doing? - Yeah, fine.
Who? It's not a big deal.
It's n It's not like he he makes me reflect on me.
- Hah-hah-hah-hah! - Ms.
Steingarten! Oh, I'm sorry, Ms.
Brown.
Just, you look so much like Ned spitting image.
- Oh, yeah.
- Anyway you really booked it outta there before I had time to give you your tab.
A coffee, a dollar twenty-five? Mm-hm, I also put the address for the library on there.
Where the memorial will be held, since I know you were witness to the for the I was I was also there.
I was like almost more there.
- Oh.
- I don't know if you can tell - 'cause my disguise - Oh, yeah.
Oh, well then you're more than welcome to come.
Oh, thank you.
- You know, that's all right - Should I bring something or? 'cause we didn't know him.
So, it wouldn't be very appropriate if we came - I'd love to say a few words.
- Oh, that would be lovely.
Thank you both.
He didn't have a lot of people in his life so that'd be really great.
Venmo me! - What are you gonna wear? - You're disgusting.
- What? Come on, Billie! - Gross! I need to mourn.
- [HEDRA.]
I want to mourn.
- What? No! Not you, Hedra! I do like that outfit, though, it's very Fairuza Balk.
Circa The Craft, I like it.
I saw that dead guy's train accident, I'm sad.
No, you didn't! And there was no train accident.
- So, did you see it? - I was there.
- Oh, a dead man! - Sorry! I was just looking for my book-ina book-lada.
It's a pina colada, uh, that's got a book in it.
That's that's okay.
Hey, heard you saw Ned kill himself, huh? Did I? I don't I don't remember.
Must have just jumped out of my brain, like you'd jump off a I do feel bad about him, though.
I don't real asshole.
Well, I don't feel a real kinship with him, or Oh, Ned Before he got his office he used to come down here, tuck away like a little hermit in the library, just grading papers and I'd see that little red pen and dumb, little green light and (GASPING) It's you! It is not me! Here you are! Bet you could use a little tug of this, huh? You know, um, no, thank you 'cause I have to go do work and I'm not really affected very much by all of the the oh, suicide.
- Well, go to work.
- Yeah, I will.
- Just like Ned.
- You're a bitch! It's like I'm looking in a mirror at Ned.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in.
Did you just say "come in" while you were sitting on the toilet? Did you just enter a single-stall bathroom after hearing someone was in it? - Touché.
- Thank you.
- May I? - Touché.
(SIGHS) I lost one of my staff members yesterday.
I know, I was there.
- You were there? - Yes.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Has anyone given you a hug? No.
- May I? - Please.
Okay.
Nope, still needed.
Hey, Wilhelmina.
Dana, what are you doing here? Oh, Pamela lets us eat lunch here.
It's a lot cleaner than the cafeteria.
Ah, Bill-meister how ya' holdin' up? Yeah, I'm fine, Pamela.
Do you want me to clear out of here? No! I was looking for you earlier because I want to make sure you're doing okay.
Yeah, I'm fine.
And then also wanted to get those hot deets.
- About the - She's in here! Hi, Roland! Hi, hi! Hi, Bea! Guys, look, this isn't really a buzz-worthy conversation.
You know, this is not hot "goss".
Did we miss the beginning? I leave the movies early if I miss the studio logo.
This is not a story, okay? It's not a movie.
- Was he warm? - Did he make a noise? - How did he land? - Was he warm? She just asked that, Bea! B-T-dubs, we are having a little impromptu memorial for Ned at Get Outta Towne tonight, you should stop by.
But But, no pressure, however you process guilt.
I mean grief You didn't kill him.
Okay, I don't think that would be appropriate because I didn't know him.
So, I don't think that would be respectful.
Oh, we didn't know him, either, but we feel like we did.
Yeah.
Okay, well, I really didn't.
Really? You guys had so much in common.
[BLEEP.]
you, Bea.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm just gonna go grieve alone because that's how I do it.
Don't touch my bag.
Well, I have a lot of work to do so I want to Thank you You're a bitch! You're a bitch! - She's not very nice.
- No.
- She wears a wig, you know? - I like her.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
All right, guys, can we please try to get here on-time tomorrow? Pass your papers forward.
Step off my dang, dude! Would you mind terribly passing me those? And throw yours on top of the pile, while you're at it.
Oh, wow, uh, you didn't hear.
I'll fill him in.
Professor Chang, I saw a man die so I didn't have to do my paper.
Everybody in here knows about it, so I'm sorry if you not knowing makes you feel like a stupid stupid piece of shit.
Um, friends, back me up.
Jump in, friends.
I'm sorry that happened to you but you still gotta do your work.
Life goes on.
Not for Ned.
Not for Ned.
Not for Ned.
Not for Ned.
Ned was an American, so I'm gonna take this.
Not for Ned.
Whoa.
Ow! It's fine.
Ooh! Cranium, nice! Oh that is a sweet edition of Dune.
This guy is a baller.
Was a baller.
That's choice oak.
Stupid Professor Chang! Stupid no friends! Yeah that'll work.
Nice.
Aw, cool tam o' shanter.
Yeah, that's workin' yeah, ooh.
Don't mind if I do.
Ah-gah-gah-gah-gah oh, I'm Popeye.
I've got an office.
- [BILLIE.]
Gah-gah-gah, I'm Popeye.
- Eat your spinach.
Eat your spinach.
Gah-gah-gah-gah Who are you? I'm Billie Brown.
What are you doing in here? This is my office.
No, this is Ned Steingarten's office.
Well, it was, but it's my office now.
Who says? The head of the History Department.
I'm the head of the History Department.
Well, I'm Billie Brown.
Yeah, you said that.
- I should probably go.
- Yeah.
Yeah? Okay.
I'll just take my things and get out.
Nice to meet Nice to (BELL TOLLS) Look who dropped in.
Too soon.
JK Simmons.
What's the word, little turd? I'm just thinking, just feel really bad about Ned.
Are you waiting for a friend? Kinda.
What do you say we get out of here? Get away from all this death.
Yeah, okay.
All right.
Thank you.
So, I'm Gene, by the way.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm Dr.
Lowe.
But my friends call me Jay.
Your name is Your name is Jay Lowe? Yes.
And I know what you're thinking.
No, I'm not related to Rob Lowe.
Well, actually it's because my family is super rich.
We invented something called the Oreo? Oh, my gosh, stop there, I've had one.
- Oy! - Yeah a fan.
Yeah, so I could have done whatever I wanted.
And I really, really wanted to be a history professor.
That's cool that you could have done whatever you wanted.
Thank you, Gene.
- Gene? - Jay Lowe? Have you ever been to a carnival? I have been to a carnival.
Oh, great.
Have you ever had a tarantula? No.
But when I was seven, we had a puppy named Norma.
Oh, that's cool.
Is it dead? Yeah very.
I'm sorry, shoot, I I brought up death.
It's okay no rules.
Okay thanks.
Do you own a baseball cap? - No.
- No.
Good.
I like you, Gene.
I like you, too Like a friend! Only as a friend! Oh yeah, it's same.
That came out kinda weird.
No, no, no, no, totally normal.
You go memorial me? Sure.
Okay, yeah.
That definitely came out weird.
Yeah, that one was strange.
You're my best friend.
Okay! I doubt Regina Spektor carries her own equipment, but sure.
I love that band.
That's not a band, Hedra.
- I cannot believe it.
- Careful.
I cannot believe you're here, gross.
- You're gross.
- What are you doing here? I was invited here to pay tribute to Ned.
By my best friend, not Hedra, she doesn't count.
You don't have any friends here, this is a faculty memorial.
- And you're not mourning! - Oh, and you are? What are you even doing here? - Burn.
- Yeah.
That's not a burn.
I am Okay? I may or may not have to talk to my boss who I may or may not have gotten off on the wrongest foot with.
I am so lost by that story.
Ooh, Dr.
Lowe is here.
(CLEARS THROAT) Go ahead.
Friends, yes, we are.
Do me a favor and don't follow me also leave the memorial.
No, I'm not.
Get back Billie! - Wicked! - What? Hedra, it's not on my mouth.
And we still haven't been able to find someone to take care of his 15 hairless cats.
We're (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, so hi, there, Dr.
Lowe.
- You know my name.
- I do, I am Billie Brown.
Uh-huh, yeah, you've told me that several times.
Yea right, I think I've just been a little out of it since Ned met met Joe Black.
I understand.
I mean, I was I was I was there when he took his life.
So was my best friend.
I'm sorry? I don't understand.
Your best friend is Gene? Gene the queen.
Such a free spirit.
I I don't understand.
Well, you know, there's a lot you don't seem to understand, Ms.
Brown.
You know my name.
- Wow.
- So sorry to interrupt Hi, Billie, uh, you still haven't paid me for the coffee.
- This is not a good time.
- No, it is a good time.
- Um.
- It's getting to the point that it's really rude.
I'll give it to you.
This isn't what it looks like.
It's a dollar twenty-five that I've been waiting for.
- I'll give it to you.
- I got it, Tim.
Oh, no, no, please don't.
- You don't have to - Please don't, I wouldn't ask ya.
I'd like the money to come from her.
- I will pay you for a coffee.
- Keep the change.
I'll feel dirty about this money.
- Keep the change.
- Thanks a lot, I feel dirty now.
Testing, one, two, Wu-tang Clan.
- Oh.
- This is for Ned.
And I apologize in advance, for your ears, I'm not a singer.
Oh, I like it already.
Walking down the street I'm hoping to run into you and I do But you've killed yourself This is embarrassing.
When people describe you they'll often just say dead But to me you'll always be Steingarten comma Ned 9-1-1 OPERATOR (OVER PHONE) 911, what's your emergency? BILLIE (OVER PHONE) A man died and he's dead! - In the night I miss you - It's not my I call out your name BILLIE (OVER PHONE) We need an ambulance with a coffin! It's not my voice.
If you hadn't have jumped well I'd still feel the same Just sounds like me, it's not me.
BILLIE (OVER PHONE) My name is Billie Brown! My hair is blonde, no, no honey blonde! Why do I keep describing my hair so much? I will never forget you BILLIE (OVER PHONE) I don't know his name! This is not really happening.
It's not really You know what makes me laugh, Billie? - You're exactly like Ned.
- I'm not him.
I'm not him.
You have his face, his glasses, his hair.
And his job! Hey, Billie, you're Ned.
What are you talking about? I'm not Ned.
I'm Billie.
Why are you laughing at me? You're Ned! You're wrong.
You're Ned! No! Please, no! Steingarten comma Ned No middle name I believe Thank you.
No! Don't do that! Don't clap! Don't for her! Why? A man died, and she's just up here like Oh, "boo hoo" song - I didn't cry.
- I did.
You're both wearing denim jackets to a memorial.
And you're all clapping away, clapping away! It was really just the coffee guy clapping.
Oh, was it, Mr.
Bigshot, head of the department? BFF's! - You know what, just fire me.
- No, don't fire her.
I'm not gonna fire her.
I can't fire someone for doing a bad Popeye imitation in a dead man's office.
Mediocre.
And how did you become friends with my boss? - Best friends.
- Best friends.
She totally reminds me of Ned.
What did you just say? - Uh, I - I am my own person! Okay? And this is whack! All right? Y'all havin' a whack attack.
- What? - Okay? I need you to have some russ-prect! Okay, well, you just said - "russ-prect".
- For the dead! - I think we should leave.
- For the dead! - Okay.
- I'm sorry.
- I have a thing with funerals.
- Okay, I'm getting her out.
- It just always happens.
- Problem is leaving.
I'm normal.
I can be normal! No one says, "I'm normal," who's normal.
Someone get my Yamaha.
I saw Ned get hit by a train - [BILLIE.]
Take a train! - [GENE.]
Train!