Inside Job (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

1
Bulimia.
So brave.
Let's take a silent moment and
Goddamn it, they're at it again.
Great.
Now I'm going to have nightmares.
Yeah, I think therapy
is definitely working.
You know what?
I think I need some more therapy.
Anything you'd like
to share with the group?
Oh, yeah. I I was just looking
for my Tic Tacs, which I
Which she left in my mouth.
We left Tic Tacs in each other's mouths.
- Good save.
- Gotta commit.
Reagan, this is what we call
a coping mechanism.
If you're not careful,
it can become an addiction.
Ron isn't an addiction.
He's a healthy distraction.
We all have groping mechanisms.
I mean, uh, coping.
We were definitely coping in there.
Groping mechanisms. You dork.
Look, if you don't rejoin the group,
I'm going to One second.
Class dismissed.
Do you validate parking?
Damn it, Myc. I said rose quartz.
Glenn, feng shui that lamp.
Feng-ier, goddamn it.
What's going on?
Why is there potpourri
in the document shredder?
Tamiko said she was coming by today
with some big news.
One means divorce.
Two means she's driving.
Three, a hook-up is imminent.
I lost your mother when I lost my job.
Now that I'm on top again,
she's remembered that I'm the one.
Your mother is about to walk
through that door and say
Who wants to meet my new boyfriend?
Standing on a fault line ♪
Keanu Reeves!
The star of John Wick 2 and 3?
And John Wick 4.
Sorry we're late.
We got stuck in traffic making love.
Oh, don't be vulgar. We were boning.
Well, you were right
about her finding "the one."
- You know, like from The Matrix, The One.
- Mother
fucker.
Well, he is fucking Reagan's mother.
So yes, motherfucker.
Holy shit. Your mom is having
a sexcellent adventure with Bill and Ted?
Mom. You just got married to yourself
and now you're dating a celebrity?
How did he even get past security?
Oh, great bunch of guys.
They asked me to sign their machine guns.
Yeah!
Nunu and I met when he signed on
to star in the movie of my book.
We've been an A-list power couple
ever since.
I just wanted to come by and tell you
that the premiere is this weekend.
And we're all invited?
What? No, I'm just telling you.
- You must be Rand.
- Huh?
I've heard so much about your journey.
Sh, sh, sh. Let the anger go.
Here. Have a lotus.
I don't put these in my pockets.
They just grow there spontaneously.
This will never last. Tell her, Reagan.
Why should I listen to Reagan?
She's never been supportive
about my relationships.
What? I have always Uh
Mom, you can't date the pool boy.
You're just gonna get hurt.
Mom, you can't date Richard Branson.
You're just gonna get hurt.
Mom, you can't date
the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil.
Someone's going to get hurt.
That guy is juggling fire.
Actually, Mom, I've been opening myself up
to new relationships lately,
and I think
that it's beautiful that you are too.
Oh, Reagan. That is so unlike you.
In a good way.
And I want you to know that I would never
dream of trying to replace your father.
It's not totally
off the table, right?
Koko, do you mind if we head back to LA?
I'm feeling drained from squinting
meaningfully into the distance.
Of course.
He's on a Hollywood all-liquid diet.
I feel blessed to have met you
and I hope you don't mind,
but I took the liberty of replacing
all the cars in the parking lot
with new Teslas.
- Wow!
- Seriously?
I love Keanu Reeves.
New mission.
Reagan, as your boss and father,
I order you to destroy that relationship.
What? Fuck no.
It's for her own good.
Trust me. Everyone in Hollywood
is a monstrous creep
with a dark-ass secret.
Did you see how he hypnotized me?
He might not even be human.
Face it. Mom just wants young blood.
My blood's plenty young.
Last week, the doctor said your
blood was 4% cigarette ash, and 9% STDs.
I am not sabotaging Mom's happiness
because you got replaced by a hotter guy.
- Where are you going?
- I have a coping mechanism.
Yes, girl! Go get it, honey!
She's finally getting laid, right?
- Yeah.
- Definitely.
- Thank God.
- Good for all of us.
I'm gonna make a fucking movie too.
I'm gonna show Tamiko
that I'm a badass leading man.
Leading man?
No offense, but you look
like Willem Dafoe fucked a meth needle.
True. My years of living awesomely
have taken their toll.
Andre. You've got an hour
to whip up a youth serum.
I want my face so young
you could eat off of it.
Myc, write a badass action script
to highlight my sexiness.
I've already got the title.
The Chronicles of Rand-dick.
Sounded better in my head.
Glenn, teach me fight choreography.
Call me Dolphin Lundgren.
Rand, it takes more than looks
and nunchucks to make a movie.
You need names.
You're right. I need cred.
Someone whose name means Oscar gold.
Someone like
Leonardo DiCaprio.
He's an inspiration.
He taught me that recycling
is also for guys with abs.
Sold! Brett, use your natural
douche instincts to track down Leo
and get him on board.
Okay, people, like I said to Tonya Harding
when she asked me for career advice,
let's break some legs!
Let me get that.
Your arms should only be used
for realistic gunplay and hugging my mom.
Reagan. This visit was such a nice idea.
You've never wanted to hang out
with any of my boyfriends.
Well, none of them were Keanu.
I've been a fan ever since
I made my own Matrix when I was eight.
We might all still be in it.
Oh, shoot. I forgot the rice crackers.
Be right back, Koko.
Tasteful minimalism,
a courtyard full of motorcycles.
His own private Idaho-shaped pool.
After dating so many billionaires,
his millionaire lifestyle
keeps me grounded.
Well, I'm proud of you, Mom.
Uh, what is this?
We about to kill a spider together?
I want you to come to the premiere with us
as my guest of honor.
Wait, really?
You always find some kind of fault
with my boyfriends,
but for once, you're supporting me.
And I want to support you.
I don't know what to say.
Say you'll get me another quinoa mimosa.
On it.
Rand was so wrong.
Hollywood people aren't creeps.
At the end of the day, they're just
Keanu?
What was that?
Is Keanu Reeves some kind of a vampire?
Are vampires real?
Am I spiraling? Is all of this out loud?
Reagan, is everything all right?
You look like you've seen a ghost,
or an adjacent undead creature.
Excuse me. I was just drinking
a box of Juicy Juice.
Keanu, I just invited Reagan
to be our guest at the premiere.
She's so excited, she's sweating.
Uh, yeah, this is not gonna suck.
I mean, bite. I mean, let's do it!
When you see the movie, Reagan,
you will just die.
Oops! Down, Keanu.
I named my cat Keanu after the movie Keanu
about a cat named after me, Keanu.
Quiet on the set.
That includes thinking.
I'm psychic, you idiots.
Gigi, random question,
but is it normal for celebrities
to get blood transfusions in, um, coffins?
I got a better question.
Are you getting laid?
'Cause, girl, you are glowing.
I got some outfits
that'll match that horny glow.
What? No. Why are you always
trying to make me over?
Why does Banksy want to make art
out of boring walls?
The challenge.
Listen, my mom is in big trouble.
Can you help me dig up any dirt
on Keanu Reeves?
I could try, but dark Hollywood shit
is the Illuminati's turf
and those assholes
won't let me near their headquarters.
The Illuminati, huh?
VIP entry ♪
'Cause you know what I'm into ♪
Okay, Brett. Remember the plan.
Track down Leo DiCaprio,
lure him into Rand's movie,
and become his best friend.
Who's ready to party like Ed Hardy?
Ooh.
Excuse me, broseppi,
does my boy Leo D still hang out here?
Yeah, not since he won his Oscar.
But he left a bunch of garbage behind.
Those guys?
Tobey Maguire, David Blaine,
Lukas Haas, and Q-Tip,
his old crew, aka the Pussy Posse.
The legendary pickup artists
from the early aughts?
I thought my older brother made them up.
Where are you going?
Don't make me hold my breath
till you come back.
I've done dumber things for much longer!
Wazzup, home dogs.
Looks like you're one white dude
short of a full posse.
David disappeared Connolly
in a magic accident.
R-I-P.
Yo, don't step to me, Tobey.
I'll turn you back into an owl.
Well, I've been known
to have a few tricks up my sleeve too.
Check this out.
This is the life, huh?
Agh!
Hmm.
Just guys being dudes.
I admire your shamelessness.
What did you say your name was?
It's Blaive Brett ford stein.
Blaive Brettfordstein.
Hm. We've been burned before, Blaive.
Some people think they can use us
to get to Leo.
What? I would never.
But if we hang out,
I will meet him, right?
First you got to prove
you're posse material.
Pussy Posse party protocol.
His muscles, huge.
His alcoholism, charming.
He's ready to get back together.
If you can handle it.
Yippee-ki-yay, mother of my child.
Cut.
He's jiggling in the wind.
Can we turn the fans down?
Goddamn it! This company managed to
cover up Mr. Rogers' Vietnam sniper count.
Can't we cover up my fucking man boobs?
Andre! I need that youth serum.
Are you sure?
I didn't check the expiration date
on these stem cells.
I'm not getting any younger,
and neither is my scrotum.
If he dies, I get the Army.
No fair. I want the Army!
Holy shit! I look 25 to 30,
and check out that ass.
I don't want to, but I can't stop staring.
Writers. I want 20
No, 30 more sex scenes.
Already so many. Goddamn it.
You know a man on the inside
of the Illuminati?
This is some Deep Throat shit.
We don't know each other very well.
- Reagan.
- Gigi, this is my source, Staedtler.
Oh, you two are banging, aren't you?
- What?
- What? No.
- No, we are not.
- I'm sorry. Gross.
- No offense.
- Does anybody else say that?
Why would you think that?
This really is
some Deep Throat shit. I love it, honey.
Gigi. He's from a rival company.
You can't tell anyone.
About the banging?
Definitely not about the banging.
Can everyone stop
saying the word "banging"?
Shh!
I grabbed every Keanu file
in the Illuminati archive.
Okay, that's Keanu now,
and here he is in Bram Stoker's Dracula
in 1992.
He's barely aged a day.
How old are these photos?
And who are all these women?
Hollywood Immortals?
The Illuminati has spread their message
using the charisma of actors
for centuries, but get this.
They found a way to keep them alive
so their star power never dies.
Hollywood's leading men
are making themselves immortal
using the blood of young women!
They're all hundreds of years old.
Every ageless leading man is one of them.
Nicolas Cage, Brad Pitt, Larry David,
and the most bloodthirsty of them all,
Leonardo DiCaprio.
That's why they all date
19-year-old models
who we never see again.
For their blood!
Shit. I have to go to my next cleanup job.
Someone on the Internet found out
Margot Robbie is CGI.
Call me later?
Reagan, you've gotta tell Tamiko
the truth about Keanu Reeves
before he drinks her
through a crazy straw.
I can't.
If I tell her, she's just gonna assume
I'm being old unsupportive Reagan.
It'll just drive them closer together.
Mom is gonna have to find out
from somebody that she trusts.
Goddamn it, Rad Ridley.
You punched the president to death.
You better not be
having hot sex right now.
The flag's not the only thing
at half-mast.
Huh? Wait, what the hell is going on?
Shit. Fucking fuck. Fuck!
Okay, that's a cut.
Shit! Andre!
You only gave me an hour
to make the serum.
Well, our continuity is fucked.
You seem like the kind of guy
who cares about continuity.
It's the only thing that matters.
Before you Benjamin Buttoned me,
I was well on my way to smashing
box office records and my wife.
Now, I just have a powerful urge
to smash brightly-colored blocks together.
I want an Oscar!
How? At this rate,
we're filming goddamn Boss Baby.
Well, this baby is still your boss,
and I'll kick your dick through your head
unless we finish this movie.
Don't forget I have the nuclear codes.
Furthermore
Wah!
Where the fuck
is Brett with DiCaprio?
All right, Blaive,
to prove you're Leo material,
go run game on those 9.7s at the bar.
Hey, I'm Blaive.
I like your Birkin.
My mom had one like it for her pills.
Oh my gosh.
You're so sweet and hot,
but, like, non-threatening, like a cousin,
but still kind of hot.
Whoa. What's that thing he's doing
while he's waiting to talk?
I think he's listening.
Sorcery!
Blaive, what's your secret?
Well, first off, one helpful tip
is to think of a woman as a person.
- Did he just say that?
- My mind is blown.
Everything I know is wrong!
Womanizing is our entire identity.
Could we even still call ourselves
the Pussy Posse?
You sure can, with one of these.
I'm getting on Etsy.
How about we go show off
our newfound wisdom to Leo, huh?
Sorry, Blaive. Truth is, Leo kicked us
to the curb when he won that Oscar.
"Never let go" my ass.
He's got a new posse now.
Oh, okay. Well, do you know
where they hang out?
Hell yeah, is this "Baby Shark"?
Did you know the guy who wrote
"Baby Shark" killed his wife in 1998?
Oh, this song is horseshit.
Play it again, though.
We got coordinates on Leo.
Then let's go shoot that fight scene.
Okay, but I think we should bring boostie.
No boostie!
Keanu's on the move.
Go break up with your mom.
How do I look?
Vaguely Asian, but not in the way
that threatens Middle America.
Perfect. Whoa. Whoa. Wow.
No, that's Owen Wilson.
Whoa. Okay. I've got it.
Nunu? You just left. And why are you
ringing your own doorbell?
Uh, because I need this to be official.
Tamiko, I'm breaking up with you.
What? But we just made passionate love
in the Idaho pool.
Look, fine.
You need to leave because I'm actually
a 400-year-old Immortal
and I want to suck your blood.
Oh my God, I understand.
This is sexy role-play.
Suck me dry, you immortal fuck demon!
Agh, Mom. Stop it!
Oh, shit.
Wait. Mom?
Reagan! I should have known.
You've been judging me
this entire time, again.
No, this is different.
Keanu is some kind of science vampire.
I can prove it.
How could you do this?
I finally found a keeper.
Yeah, a Crypt Keeper.
You're just like your father.
You won't work on our relationship,
but there's no amount of work you won't do
to make sure I'm not happy.
- That is not what
- Just go.
And do not show your face
at tonight's premiere.
Or Keanu's face.
The premiere!
She's going to walk
right into a den of A-list vampires.
I'm all out of options.
If I want to save my mom,
I have to do what The Lake House couldn't.
Kill Keanu Reeves.
We need to infiltrate that premiere
and get to Keanu before it's too late.
But how?
The only way in is to walk the red carpet,
and when they see someone as hot as me,
all those camera flashes
will attract attention.
I don't have frumpy privilege
like you, Reagan.
men will look at you
the way they look at me. Briefly.
And done.
Wow, I hate it.
I want to cyberbully myself.
Do you really think this'll work?
Oh, yeah. In Hollywood,
being a rumpled woman over 30
is basically an invisibility cloak.
- Emma Stone!
- Over here!
Tell me about La La Land.
Do you see anyone?
My eyes can't really focus.
- Does this look like anything?
- Just an empty red carpet. Weird.
Damn, I could
get used to being unremarkable.
Yeah. I'm so lucky.
Look!
I need a private moment to unflex my abs.
Be right back, Koko.
Keanu's headed towards the restroom.
Keep watch. I'm going after Keanu.
Bull. Gigi never gets to kill anybody.
Happy Birthday, Keanu. Happy ♪
Catch you at a bad time, Keanu?
To quote myself,
whoa, what are you doing here?
Saving my mom!
You know my secret, but I'm warning you.
I know kung fu.
Yeah, I know.
It's one of two things
people know about you.
They also know I do my own stunts.
That doesn't scare me.
I'm a pan-denominational Buddhist.
Buddhists still bleed!
Exactly. There were times
when I felt like the book was writing me.
Holy follow-up question.
Would you consider yourself a genius?
No, no.
But yes.
- Keanu? Reagan?
- Shit!
I told her not to come.
Fake rain? This just seems expensive.
And in the desert. So wasteful.
Have some garlic, Keanu.
No! Where did you get that?
Olive Garden.
"When you're here, you're family."
All right, Keanu, time to eat your stake.
White oak. You did your homework.
I fucking love homework. And my mom.
I love her too, Reagan.
Reagan. What are you doing?
It's all right, Tamiko,
she's just protecting you.
Everything Reagan said is true.
For hundreds of years,
I've been a blood-sucking Immortal,
until now.
You're not gonna try
to suck out my mom's blood?
I lied about being a vampire,
but not about loving Tamiko.
I'm done with immortality.
I finally found the woman
I want to grow old with.
Oh, Nunu.
We've heard enough!
Leonardo DiCaprio!
Nicolas Cage,
Bradley Cooper,
Johnny Depp!
Oh God, we've stumbled
right into their lair.
I knew you were getting soft, Keanu.
You've been dating
age-appropriate women for years.
That's as disgusting
as only wearing one scarf.
If audiences see you getting older,
they'll get suspicious
about the rest of us.
Except Tom Cruise.
Yeah, that guy is fucking bulletproof.
You guys are so bogus.
Tamiko is a national treasure.
Good thing I know how to steal those.
Mom!
Before we kill Keanu,
one last ceremonial bloodletting
with his 40-something girlfriend.
And oh!
Prepare to be Leonardo decapitated.
Hey, Romeo, hands off my wife!
Well, if it isn't my old crew
and some hideous baby man.
Dad?
He's turned himself
into a literal man-child.
Way to turn subtext to text, Rand.
My therapist would love this.
I did it to impress you.
To show you that I was younger, hotter,
and had more Oscars than Keanu.
Looks like the D-listers
crashed the party.
We've evolved, Leo.
You can't bully us, or this single father
and his disfigured baby.
Andre, downzies.
Myc, grab the camera.
Rolling!
I'm kicking your ass.
Get ready for a bloodbath!
That's it.
Blood.
Reagan, what are you doing?
Something I've had recurring dreams about.
Finally stabbing my father!
Ouchies!
You fools.
Baby blood is only gonna make me stronger.
Not this baby.
You just mainlined enough bad choices
to age you a thousand years.
- My blood type is O Shit.
- What?!
Drink up, pretty boy.
That shit is hundred proof Ridley.
You can't do this to me!
I'm the king of the world!
At least he died
doing what he loved. Composting.
I got it in the can!
I give this movie three stars.
Very confusing.
Sorry I lied, Tamiko.
But I meant everything I said.
I'm ready to give up immortality for you.
Oh, that's
You're sweet, but
Bye!
Hey. Sorry for all the
Um Ah, fuck it.
Well, guess I better
start dressing my age.
You and me both, brother.
I can't believe the whole A list is gone.
I'm proud that the last thing Leo saw
was his posse
growing into mature, decent men.
It's okay. We have a new leader.
Sorry, guys. My name's actually Brett,
and I already have a posse.
The deep state.
Impossible!
A masterful illusion.
Damn, dude, this whole time,
you were running game, on us.
Then you've learned my final lesson, bros.
Please, Brett, don't forget us.
Call me Blaive.
Hey. Sorry I ruined your premiere
and tried to murder your boyfriend.
I guess Keanu was a good guy after all.
No, I'm sorry.
Seeing my only daughter
risk her life like that,
I-I realized you have been supporting me
this whole time by trying to protect me.
Exactly. It's not that I don't want you
to be happy.
It's just you have horrible taste in men.
Dad, Buzz Aldrin, actual monsters.
I get it now.
You murdered every leading man
in Hollywood because you love me.
And I always will.
Wait, did you break up with Keanu
because he was a vampire,
or because you discovered
he was way older than you thought he was?
Reagan. Can't it be both?
He's better
than you remember.
He'll have you saying Kean-who?
Tell the president I'm on my way.
I am not
putting my name on this. I quit!
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