Jerk (2019) s02e02 Episode Script

1
Oh, do you need a hand, mate?
Oh, no.
Don't worry. No, no.
I'll make sure you get over safely.
But It's no problem.
Happy to help.
But I don't wan
But I was going
..there.
Who cares?
All right, come on,
stay with me, sir.
Ooh, you're handsy!
OK. All right.
We are going to take you
to hospital.
Can you just answer
a few basic questions?
Yeah, sure, if you want,
but can you pass me my walker?
That's yours? You had that already?
Yeah, I have cerebral palsy.
Oh, thank fucking God!
I thought it was going
to be complicated.
I'm supposed to be
knocking off in 20 minutes.
It's all right, love -
he was like this already!
Oh, thank fuck for that!
Wait
Can I still get a ride to the
hospital? My shoulder really hurts.
Well, we can give you a lift,
but you've got to find a better
way of crossing the street.
I mean, zebra crossings
exist for a reason.
So, Tim, what did the doctor say?
He just set up an appointment
for this physio.
Hey, this is at Ball's Gym.
That's where I work out.
You work out?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I take pride in my body.
You should definitely come
to the gym. That'd be great.
Go to the gym? Hm?
As a qualified carer,
I'm a level eight physio.
Perfect, you can help Tim.
What?
Naw, he couldn't afford my rates.
Yeah, that's true.
She's super expensive.
Hey, Mrs. Renkow.
It's Idris. Look, Tim's doctor says
he needs exercise to
fix his shoulder, but he's refusing.
Idris!
No-one tells my son what to do!
You little worm!
You little no-good son of a bitch!
Go fuck yourself.
Hey, Mom! Hey, Timmy.
Timmy Yeah?
OK, listen.
You should go to the gym.
Really, you don't want to be weak,
it's hard enough for you to walk
around and eat and drink and shit.
I know, Mom.
So, get yourself to the gym,
get yourself strong
because a human platypus
is no fun to play with.
I get it, Mom.
And get yourself some
better friends.
Idris is like a weasel.
YOU come here?
Yeah, I do. It's a bit of
an obsession, to be honest.
What if one of these monsters
sit on you?
You'll die.
Yeah, of envy.
Hey, Ruth,
look at that big motherfucker.
What do you think
he's compensating for?
I'd say lack of a mother's love.
Hey, momma's boy, spot me!
Oof!
You know, I could sell
steroids in here.
Although the ones I've stole
recently from clients
are for eczema, so
Positivity is a muscle that
gets stronger with use.
Be positive!
Jesus, she's intense.
Remember, there is never
an excuse for a bad attitude!
Scary lady's coming!
Hey, you must be Tim.
I'm two-time Paralympic gold
medallist, founder of Ball's Gym
and creator of Wreck Fit, Claire.
People call me The Wrecking Ball
cos I take a wrecking ball to
your perceptions of the possible.
I don't want to assume
cerebral palsy, but
..cerebral palsy, yeah?
I'm mostly here cos
I hurt my shoulder.
Life gave you CP.
I can give you two things.
Inspiration.
Inspiration is the spark.
Motivation.
Motivation is the fire.
I don't like your enthusiasm.
Yeah, I definitely
can't handle this.
No, we-we don't
use the C-word here.
We're all about the "can".
Nothing bad starts with "can".
Like, can
..taloupe or
Whit? You can't spell "cancer"
without the word "can"
so that's not a great rule
of thumb, is it?
Oh, oh, really? I had cancer once.
I did not have time for cancer.
I said, "You know what I'm going to
do? I'm going to become a two-time
"Paralympic gold medallist."
So I did.
I'm going to make you
say the word "can't".
No, you're not.
Are you ready to be the best you?
Come on, get changed.
I'm about to change your life.
Because I can.
Exciting. Come on, Tim,
I'll show you the changing rooms.
Chop chop.
So would you say that
you can breathe underwater?
With positivity,
anything's possible.
Hmm.
When Wreck Fit makes it up to
Scotland, you people will be
so much happier.
We can achieve anything.
Anything?
So you're saying at some point,
you will say the word "can't".
No. Because you can't?
I like you.
You think you can test me.
That's just adorable.
You WILL say it.
Oh, honey.
You go toe-to-toe with me
in a battle of wills
and I will destroy you.
It's just about getting
used to the gym, Tim.
You know, body confidence
can be a spring board to
so many other things.
I don't know, man,
listening to that inspirational
bullshit is enough of a workout.
Here, let me give you a hand.
Tim?
Weird.
So, as a Paralympian, the first
thing to grasp is the only
limit to what we can achieve
is in the mind.
I mean, my problem is
literally brain damage.
Yeah, you're funny.
Let's go!
Come on, Tim, you can do this.
Yeah, but I just don't want to.
Pain is our friend!
Barriers are there to be smashed!
Work the muscle!
Commit to the zone, Tim!
Yeah
I really don't want to!
Drive! Drive!
Drive through your limitations! Oh!
Come on. Keep up that energy!
I've got to do that again?
Yeah. It's about building
core strength.
We build these sessions
throughout the week.
I've got to come back every week?
Yes, it's about a new way of life.
Do you know the greatest thing
I got from becoming a double
gold medal-winning Paralympian?
An incomplete vocabulary?
The power to inspire.
Mate, no-one remembers Paralympians.
We don't even remember Olympians.
Come on, Tim, let's go.
No! Failure is not an option.
I have another disabled
client coming.
I'd love for you to talk to him!
Tim seemed a bit weird
with me, then.
I know I can be
a bit annoying, but
Oh, God. That'll be it.
Probably intimidated him
with my body confidence.
Being positive isn't always good.
Erm
Look at coronavirus.
She must have got some other
sad sack to fall for her bullshit.
They must be simple in the head!
Rude boy coming
at cha with the will to kill.
What the fuck?!
The boy with da bod of a god.
Oh, what the fuck
are you doing here?
Keifer. Wagwan?
Did you just say "wagwan"?
Oh, great, you two know each other?
Did you bring me a Jell-O shot?
Oh, no, it's Tiny Tim.
Tiny Tim! Like the character.
That is so funny. Isn't he funny?
Keifer is one of my proudest
achievements with Wreck Fit.
A shining example of the
power to inspire others.
Tim can't inspire anyone
because he has a small dick.
Even Keifer said "can't"!
Yes, he did. 50 reps.
Let Keifer be your inspiration
to find your inner athlete.
He's intimidated by athletes.
I'm not because
I've got size and stamina.
Unlike you, you have
Oh, "a small dick".
You're so predictable, Keifer.
I was going to say "no muscle".
Oh.
And by muscle, I mean "dick".
Irie.
Keifer, why are you Jamaican?
Rastafari, you weak bloodclaat.
Are computers allowed to say that?
I will beat you any time, anywhere.
No, you can't.
Oh, yeah, well, let's race.
Yeah, around Pye Park.
It'll look great on Instagram.
I'm going to win and when I do,
you need to post
..you're a
..shit sandwich where
the bread is also shit.
Oh-ho, nothing like
raising the stakes.
It's going to be so inspirational.
I'll train you both up
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You and your little Wreck Shit
won't be coming anywhere near Tim.
If anyone's going to train him,
it'll be me.
Have you ever trained anyone before?
Yeah.
Loads.
Why? Do you think I can't?
Well, this gives me the perfect
opportunity to show you
how superior my techniques are.
Thank you.
Bring it.
T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-S-S-S-S-S.
What are you doing?
Sucking my teeth, fam.
Bye.
Have you really trained
anyone before?
Nah.
Thought I could just
break their kneecaps.
That might be pointless.
Yeah.
Right, move, we need the couch.
For exercise!
OK, Tim, give me 20.
Yes, coach!
20 what?
Crisps. Ooh.
Tim, just, er
..just wanted to apologise for
making you feel uncomfortable
earlier with my body confidence.
Just want you to know I never set
out to, er, body-shame you
by flaunting my own "normal" body.
What? I didn't see anything.
You didn't see the?
Oh, I just thought, you know,
cos of my abs and things, you
But that's, er We're cool?
As cool as we ever are, dude.
Now what, coach?
Now we train.
Harder Than You Think
by Public Enemy
OK, Tim, are you ready
to become a superhuman?
No.
Thank fuck for that.
Let's just forget about it.
Yeah, let's just not show up.
..Special way. Our next guests
believe disability is just
What the fuck?!
..A state of mind so we'd like to
welcome inspired performance artist
and Instagrammer Keifer Young
and his personal trainer,
Claire "The Wrecking Ball" Ball.
I'm a former Paralympian and Keifer
has been training with
Wreck Fit at my gym,
Ball's Gym, for a little over
a year now, right?
She gets mad props.
Wicked trainer. Blap.
Well, Keifer here has been
doing an excellent
job of documenting
his progress on Instagram,
but he also gets trolls.
One troll, she started saying some
very horrible things about me
and my positive Wreck Fit programme.
As a Paralympian, I want to
show that hope wins over hate,
so I've
Well, we've accepted the challenge.
Noble sentiments.
The race is 12 o'clock on Sunday
at the race track at Pye Park.
Why don't you come and join us?
Thanks, Adrian.
I cannot believe she thinks
she can beat a troll.
You need to beat him.
Right, off to bed.
You've got a big race tomorrow.
But it's ten in the morning!
Who's the coach?
I need you well rested,
so get to bed!
Yes, coach.
OK, Tim.
I want you to eat thunder
and shit lightning.
Wait, shouldn't you be massaging me?
No.
Hey, Tim, we just wanted to
come and wish you good luck.
We don't need your luck.
Why do you look so tired?
Oh, man.
I've been up since midnight.
It's what happens when you go
to bed at ten in the morning.
Oh, because I knew you weren't with
a lady because your dick is beanie.
Hey! Just wanted to wish
you all good luck.
It's not about the winning, losing,
it's the taking part that counts.
What kind of fuckin'
nonsense is that?
Why would I do this if
I didn't want to win?
It's all about the winning!
Oh, so just because we're disabled,
we shouldn't be competitive?
That is so offensive.
We worked too hard
to buy that loser BS.
Fuck off and take your
tiny dick with you.
"Tiny dick?"
Tim, did you tell him that
because I body-shamed you? What?
You spread all these juvenile
rumours about the size of my
..rather than just talk to me?
That's
That's a bit much, Tim.
Well, as we always said
in the Paralympics,
"No point in wasting the sunshine."
Let's do this!
The Marriage of Figaro
We can't show this.
We'd be accused of
exploiting the disabled
or, even worse, laughing at 'em
or something. Come on.
Dude
..I'm fucking exhausted.
How far do you think we've gone?
100 times as long as your dick.
Do you think we're close
to the finish line?
Yes, but only because it's a circle,
so the end is that line.
Do you think we'll
finish by nightfall?
Let's just call it.
Keifer, why the fuck
are you stopping?!
Wreck Fitters can do anything!
Yeah, I don't think that's true.
Er, but even if it was,
he just doesn't want to.
No, I'm not saying that.
OK, fine.
Keifer also says, "Babylon"!
You have fucked everything.
If this had gone well, Wreck Fit
would've been officially
endorsed by the Adrian Chiles Show.
Do you know how much that
would have advanced my gym?!
I hope you're happy.
Pretty happy.
I think I went 200 feet in one go!
We can't use any of this.
Where's that archery
for the deaf competition?
I'm going to go and speak to Adrian
to see if I can salvage today,
in the name of Wreck Fit
and the Paralympics!
Look guys, I-I've got
to say something.
Look, I harbour no malice as
to what transpired earlier,
but, equally, I make no apologies
about being proud of my body.
It's just not something
I'm ashamed of.
Oh, Keifer just tells everyone
they have a small dick.
It's of no importance to me what
he says. I've got nothing to hide.
I stand corrected!
That is so much bigger
than I expected.
Just below average.
I know. I hope that ends the matter.
Adrian, can I have a word?
Ade!
Fucking cunt!
She said it!
I knew she'd say it.