Josh (2015) s02e02 Episode Script
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1 Mate, it is the tightest thing I've ever seen in my life.
No, we're going for a curry and to the pub, and I'm already in my overdraft.
- It's common sense.
- Oh, come on! Nobody saves money by microwaving their own poppadoms at home.
I bloody love this place, though.
The only good thing Geoff has ever done is recommend it to us.
Do you know, it is Emma Bunton's local Indian? - No way! Have you seen her in there? - Ha! And the rest, mate.
- We had a meal together there once.
- Yeah, course you did, mate(!) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you know what? Me and Emma Bunton had more in common than you'd think, actually.
Cast-iron stomachs being one of those things.
Just became a night of one-upmanship in the end, you know, a race to the top of the Scoville scale.
She won, though.
Got to hand it to her.
She ate a rogan josh that was 100% chillies.
How is that still a rogan josh? Do you know what Spice Up Your Life is really about? - What? - The versatility of tamarind.
- No, it isn't! - And if you play it backwards, there's some very derogatory things about peshwari naan.
Good to see business is booming(!) Well, I guess most people are still at home microwaving their poppadoms.
Hello.
- Hey.
- Oh, hello, mate.
Hi.
Er, we reserved a table under Owen James.
Booked it about a week ago.
Er, James is J-A-M-E-S.
Owen is, er We don't have you.
Sorry.
Hey, are you a comedian? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I am, yeah.
It's just, I saw you at the Chuckle Lounge last week and it wasn't obvious.
[OWEN LAUGHS.]
Oh! Your performance had more dips than a poppadom tray.
Yes, good one.
That's a good review.
You should try doing stand-up yourself.
- Well, if he can.
- Look, have you got a table or not? Yeah, sure.
Er, just sit anywhere.
Oh, OK.
Mm Too romantic, too draughty, too near the window.
Now, when it comes to toilet proximity, I don't really mind it, actually.
- Look, shall we just go there? - Oh, yeah, fine, OK.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
Large Cobra, 660 mils - that's more than a pint.
Do you want to share a? I'm not sharing a Cobra.
Can we order some drinks, please? - Yeah, can we get some drinks? - Extra chutney, as requested.
Enjoy.
- Thank you very much, mate.
- See you later.
Oh, well, that's the most amazingly racist thing I've ever seen.
No, I wasn't being racist.
It was just where he stood.
It was nothing to do with race.
Oh, yeah, so if he'd been white, - would you have still ordered drinks? - Yes.
Yes, right, OK.
Oh! Go on, then.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, there you go.
Point proven.
Do you not recognise who that is? Danny and Natalie from university.
- They're the most annoying couple in the world.
- Oh, yeah, so it is.
Please don't see us.
Come on! Looks like I've gone for a curry with Dumbo.
I can't believe they've been together since uni.
That is amazing.
I mean, did she not hear about him constantly shagging around? It was the talk of halls.
Well, that and the time you got caught naked in the laundry room.
That wasn't true.
People said you tumble-dried your penis, - you know, that's why it's so small.
- It doesn't even make sense.
If I got in the tumble dryer, all of me would've shrunk.
Well, that was the other rumour.
Anyway, he wasn't cheating on her.
She was in on it.
- They're in an open relationship.
- No?! - Yes.
That's not a thing in real life, is it? Course it is, you Victorian square! News flash do you realise people kiss with tongues nowadays? And they love it.
No, they were both at it.
Do you not notice how she spent all her spare time with Ben Green? Er, they were badminton doubles partners.
Oh, wake up, Queen Victoria! That means that they were shagging.
No normal people are actually badminton doubles partners.
Me and Kate were badminton doubles partners.
Yeah, well, my point stands.
No, I'm sorry, I don't buy it.
Although, do you reckon that's why she was always so weirdly touchy-feely with me? What, you?! [HE LAUGHS.]
Good one, mate.
She's in an open relationship, not on heat.
No, she's just one of those people who's weirdly tactile, you know.
Yeah, tell me about it.
She was always squeezing my cheeks.
I'm jowly, and she took full advantage.
- Jowly Josh.
- Isn't that an Indian meal? Oh, mate, you need to leave it with the racism.
Do you know what? We should join tables, catch up on old times.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, I don't want to spend my evening putting my car keys in a bowl.
They're not swingers, and you haven't got a car, anyway.
I'm going to go for a piss, yeah? Mine's a small Cobra.
Yeah, I know what it is - you tumble-dried it, mate.
Where are you? I'm two minutes away.
Can you order me a beer? No, not at this exact moment, no.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Why the hell would you answer the phone? That is disgusting.
- What? - I might hear things.
- What things? - 'Grunting.
' - 'I'm not Monica Seles.
' - Plopping.
Plopping? Did you actually just say "plopping"? I mean, how dehydrated do you think I am? Oh, you're disgusting.
What if I'd been FaceTiming you? Kate, the only people that FaceTime are long-distance lovers and mums who've pressed the wrong button.
- They're big crisps.
- Yeah.
- Poppadoms.
- Yeah Hello, mate.
Over here! Oh, bollocks.
[LAUGHTER.]
I can't believe we didn't see you come in.
I know! Nearly missed out on an evening with little Joshie.
- Yeah! - Oh, look at that little face! How I've missed it.
It's hard to miss it.
Look at the size of it! I know.
He is malleable.
Look at that - it's like a Tempur mattress.
Well, thank God Owen came over and said hi.
- Yeah, thank God.
- I can't believe we've not seen you guys since uni.
- No, amazing.
- I mean, you boys were hilarious.
Oh, so funny.
What did you used to call them? Ant & Dec? - No, Dick and Dom.
- In the bungalow! So, what have, er, university's favourite power couple been up to since we saw you last? Well, she's moved the D-bomb into her house.
Yeah, it gets her parents off her back a bit about settling down.
- He loves it really.
- Oh, I do, I do.
I get to talk to this one around the house all day long, and in the evening, I get to call her on Babestation.
He's joking.
He can't afford the premium numbers.
I thought I recognised you, Natalie, or certain parts of you, anyway.
- You dirty bastard, Owen! - Oh, I'm joking.
Oh, join in, Joshie! Yeah, come on.
Join in, Josh.
Right, I'm going to go for a fag, cleanse the palate.
Nat, coming? Er, Josh, do us a favour.
When the, er - When the waiter comes over, can you order for us? - OK.
- The usual? - Yeah, sounds good.
- Lamb balti, chicken vindaloo.
- Two pilau rice, two naan.
- One garlic, one peshwari.
- OK.
- Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo.
- Two saag aloo? - Yes, please.
Thanks, babe.
That is an absurd over-order - two mains, two rices, two naans, five separate potato dishes.
Oh, he's always been flash.
I am not splitting the bill.
I am not paying for his spud binge.
Maybe he should've boiled his own potatoes at home.
Also, who orders a rice and a naan each? Just share like normal people.
Well, you'd think with their lifestyle, they'd be up for sharing.
I can't believe you pushed the tables together.
Well, it's not my fault, mate.
We just caught eyes.
You went over to them.
Yes, and that is when we caught eyes.
Anyway, I dunno why you're complaining.
I was wrong.
Natalie definitely fancies you all that hair ruffling.
- It's like she's prepping you for Crufts.
- Oh, come on! Seriously, mate.
I can't believe it either, but you are in there.
I don't want to be.
Her boyfriend's sat right there.
- All right, Sir Robert Peel.
- What? I'm just reiterating that you're a massive Victorian prude.
Just accept it.
That is how they live their life.
They live their lives to the max.
I wouldn't be surprised if they've gone outside just to have it off.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- Yeah, well, that was Danny's tactic, wasn't it? Get somebody outside, you know, one-on-one, you know they're up for something more than a cigarette, cos the cigarette represents a penis, and then the mouth obviously represents the - You know what the mouth - Yeah, I get it, yeah.
Do you want to know what smoke rings represent? - No, I'm OK.
- I'm so sorry I'm late.
I couldn't find my wallet anywhere.
- Are you all right to shout me this? - Yes.
- No.
You're not going to believe who I saw outside.
Danny and Natalie.
Yes! God, it was awkward.
Why was it awkward? They're an absolute hoot.
Oh, surely I've told you this? Basically, I bumped into Danny on a night out last year, and cut a long story short, we slept together.
- Ah, inevitable.
- You slept with Danny? Oh, chill out, Benjamin Disraeli.
- Yeah, there was nothing dodgy about it.
- He wears an Alice band.
Yeah, he takes it off.
We were just in the same nightclub and we were just, you know, flirting a little bit, and I was I was teaching him this trick, which is basically like a high five, but you watch the elbows as you walk past and you come down, do low five.
Bam-bam.
Bam-bam.
You know the one? - Yeah, yeah, the turbo five.
- Yeah.
Basically, like, after the low five, he held on to my hand and we went home and had sex.
It's a tale as old as time.
Yeah.
I mean, it was fine.
He was very clear they were in an open relationship.
- Oh, you see? He has carte blanche.
- Oh! He did not have carte blanche.
I was very clear in the club about what I would and wouldn't do.
Bloody hell, you guys are already up and running, aren't you?! Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Please tell me you're not sitting with them? It wasn't my fault.
We just caught eyes.
Oh I know what I like.
I haven't used a menu for ten years.
- No way! - Believe it, brother.
I like everything on here, but then with my steel stomach, I've got carte blanche.
What about you, Kate? Are you up for everything? Same for you, Danny? - You got? You got carte blanche? - I love India.
I think visiting really had a profound effect on me.
Well, you lost half a stone.
Look, the thing about India is, she - and she is a she - really spoke to me, and it's a conversation I'm still having.
- Endlessly.
- What did you think about the food? Oh, I mean, I loved the food, but I can handle my spice.
Whoa, what are you on about? You break into a sweat when you have a Peperami.
Hey, Nat, get this - Kate's been to India as well.
Oh, the experiences you two have got in common, eh? - So, did you enjoy India, Natalie? - Oh, loved it.
- Absolutely loved it.
- What did you think of India, Danny? He didn't go.
I, er, travelled solo.
But it's great, cos you just get there and you meet people and you buddy up.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'd be really good in India, I think.
- No, you wouldn't.
- Well Yes, I would.
You know, steel stomach.
Interesting fact for you, though.
The only Indian food I cannot cope with - mango chutney.
Oh! Too sweet? Absolutely not.
No, no.
I had an awful experience.
I was having a late-night biryani, and who should walk in - three fifths of Spandau Ballet.
- DANNY: Top boys, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
But cut to ten minutes later, Martin Kemp throwing up a whole ramekin of the stuff.
- No.
- Awful.
Awful, yeah.
I mean, in fairness to him, he'd had a bad poppadom, it's happened to all of us, but still.
- Bless him.
Bless him.
- Horrendous scenes.
- That didn't happen.
- It did, mate, cos believe it or not, some people have their poppadoms in the restaurant.
- Ready to order? - Yep, yep.
So, er - Lamb balti, chicken vindaloo - Two pilau rice, two naan.
One garlic, one peshwari.
- Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo.
- And two saag aloo.
So, set menu D? Sir? Er, could I get the vegetable korma? [DAN SNIGGERS.]
And is anyone up for sharing a naan? No? I'm happy to go peshwari, garlic or plain? OK, would anyone like to share a rice? Happy to go mushroom, pilau or boiled.
No takers? - Do you do a half rice? - No.
- It says here you do a children's rice.
Could I get the? - No.
Oh, actually, Josh, you can come in on my rice, if you want.
I'll get a whole rice for myself.
And, um, if I can't finish it, can I get a doggy bag? And you, sir? Er, could I have plain naan, plain rice, and chicken vindaloo, please? Can you make it extra spicy? I want to feel the burn.
Oh! Sorry about my Western Philistine friend.
Um, for me, er, what curry are you making for the staff today? Think I'll have that.
Staff curry's always the best curry.
It's made in the true Indian way.
The other stuff on the menu's just softened for the Western palate.
You know, stuff like chicken vindaloo.
Can I change my order to what she's having, please? But can you really, really not hold back? Um, sort of make it hotter than hers.
Brave man.
You'll be dying on your arse tomorrow.
Much like your friend when he goes on stage.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Yes, I get it.
If only the audience had.
- Oh, yes! - Yes, good one.
So, is that all? Actually, I'll get mine with a side of mango chutney, which any Indian food connoisseur loves.
Coming right up.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Oh.
Yep.
Got to get this one.
It's my tailor.
Having some condoms loosened.
[ALL LAUGH.]
I'll leave you guys to mull over how big it is, but just to give you a clue, when I go camping, needs its own sleeping bag.
[ALL LAUGH.]
She knows.
He's joking.
We never go camping! [ALL LAUGH.]
Anyway, it's not about size, is it, Josh? It's what you do with it that counts.
[LAUGHS.]
I dunno.
Got any views on, er, what size Danny's condoms are, Kate? Er, I'm just going to nip to the loo, actually, before the food arrives.
Yes, me, too, actually.
Oh, cheer up.
I was only joking.
You know that no-one really believed the rumour about the tumble dryer? - That's a relief.
- And, er, what does your girlfriend think of the tumble dryer story? I don't have a girlfriend.
Oh! Little Joshie! Well, look, remember, romance could be just around the corner.
- That's nice.
- Could be anyone.
Could be somebody here tonight, even.
Boop-boop.
I dunno why people even go to India.
I mean, if it's a tan you're after, I got this from Boots for 30 quid.
Plus, got one of their chicken tikka sandwiches, so I was practically there anyway! So, what brings you guys here? You haven't moved to the area, have you? Well, we actually came to this restaurant ten years ago, on our first date.
- No way! Is this your 10th anniversary? - BOTH: Yeah.
Oh, well, how about a bottle of champagne? It's on us, isn't it, guys? Or better idea.
Prosecco.
I saw a blind taste test on This Morning and Holly Willoughby actually preferred the prosecco.
Yeah, it's fascinating.
One bottle of champagne, please, waiter! Actually, because it's your special day, we shouldn't impinge.
- No, we'll leave you to it.
- Yeah, of course.
My God, so rude.
No, no, no, no.
The more the merrier, that's our attitude.
Yeah! After ten years together, we tend to get bored of each other! - Oi-oi! - Don't worry, I've got this.
- Does anybody have a samurai sword? - No, Owen.
OK, I'll go traditional, then.
Oh, you're kidding.
No, no.
I, er, sliced open a whole magnum in '08.
Flew over to Tokyo to play the new Mario Kart a day ahead of release.
No, I mean, look who it is.
Hello.
I'm here to pick up an Indian takeaway for one under the name of Geoff Jeffries.
Oh, God, keep your heads down.
- Who's that? - Shh! [CORK POPS.]
[CHEERING.]
- All right! - Hello, guys.
- Hello, Geoff.
- Don't open the champagne on my accord.
Do you fancy a glass? Well, I was looking forward to a Saturday night of chicken dhansak and Michael Portillo's Great British Railway Journeys, but I suppose the East Coast Mainline can wait.
Where shall I sit? I mean, he must travel off-peak, or book in advance, otherwise his rail fare would be astronomical.
Thinking about it, he must book off-peak, because he always manages to get a seat to himself.
I've never seen him sat in the vestibule.
Sorry, who is Michael Portillo? Ha! You know, he explores Britain on a train.
He's married to Diane Abbott.
He wears bright trousers and he's got a squidgy face.
Well, he's not the only one with a squidgy face! Marshmallow man! Room for another one there, Josh? - No, absolutely not.
No.
- Oh, go on, mate.
It's our anniversary.
Come on.
- Ah It's your anniversary? That's lovely.
- Yeah, ten years today.
- Congratulations.
I once spent an anniversary here.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Painful memories.
- Oh.
Are you not with her any more? I wasn't with her on the night.
She didn't turn up.
I dined alone [HE SIGHS.]
with just my memories for company.
Oh, well, sorry to hear that, mate.
I ordered a dish for every month we'd been together.
Chicken dhansak, naan bread You were only together two months? Yeah, it was lucky, really.
I wasn't that hungry.
- That's everything.
- Thank you.
Right, let's dig in, shall we? - I think we may have over-ordered again, Nat.
- Do you think? No, feel free to just tuck in, guys.
We've got loads of food here.
OK.
Thank you.
I haven't been this excited about the potency of chilli since I had Ivan Zamorano at France '98.
- Oh, want some mango chutney, Owen? - Oh, get away from me.
- Oooh! - No, seriously, Kate! I told you about Martin Kemp! Oh! Can't handle his chutney doesn't bode well.
Good luck with the chef's special, mate.
That should be interesting.
All right, bring it on.
Oh.
Knife and fork - so Western.
You know, in India they actually eat with their hands? Nature's fork.
Ow.
I am pretty sure they use a bread for that, though, Kate.
I made that mistake in India when I was down there exploring the buy-to-let market in Mumbai.
I, er, ended up burning my palms.
I mistakenly dipped straight into a saucepan of tarka dhal.
I couldn't high five for a week.
Tell you who's got a good high five trick, is Kate.
- Er, has she shown it to you, Danny? - Mm? Owen! Stop with your delaying tactics.
- Too scared to try your curry? - No.
Mm.
Mm! Oh! Oh, that is lovely.
Yeah, that's really nice.
Mm.
- Are you all right there, Kate? - Mm.
Yes, that is That That is lovely.
I'm just going to have a little bit of mango chutney with it, to bring out the spices, cos I'm loving it so much.
Actually, I'm just going to have a whole spoonful, just to really You OK there, Kate? You're really working up a sweat.
It's not the first time that's been said! Yeah No, I'm fine.
Give it up, Kate.
This is pathetic.
Yeah, seriously, Kate, I think you just dripped in your curry.
- Everything OK with your meal, guys? - Yes, absolutely lovely, thanks.
Yeah, this is lovely.
But can I get? Can I get a pint of mulk? - What, sorry? - Pint of mulk.
- I think she's trying to say milk.
- A glass of milk? Pint.
Oh, dear.
No, actually, cos it's traditional, cos cows are sacred.
Right.
So, Geoff, how do you know the good, the bad and the ugly, then? I'm their landlord.
Oh, of course.
So you're responsible for all the mod cons? Do they have a tumble dryer? I'm constantly round there fixing it.
Well, that can happen if you don't use it properly, Josh.
I had to take it apart to remove his inhaler from it the other day.
Oh, is that what you call it? Well, I call mine my puffer.
Well Geoff, just leave it, OK? One pint of milk.
Can I get another glass of milk, please? Oh.
A palate as weak as your act.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, Kate! That is embarrassing.
No, it's not embarrassing, actually, because, actually, when I was exploring in Oh, give it a rest, Ravi Shankar! You were never exploring India.
You went on a two-week holiday with your parents when you were 15.
You had to leave after 48 hours cos a chapati gave you the squits.
- That is not true! - Yes, it is.
It was a pakora.
Hey, I'll tell you who can, er, cope with his hot curry.
Rick Wakeman.
Right, I've had enough of your celebrity curry night shit.
No-one believes you.
Oh! Hashtag awks.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that, guys.
Sorry.
Hey, it's all right.
Everybody gets stressed.
Do you know what? Why don't you come outside for a cigarette with me? It might calm you down.
No, it's it's not really my thing, sorry.
All right, well, you know where we are if you fancy it.
Danny? Yeah, yeah.
Ooh.
See? You are seriously in there, mate.
I told you.
And it's your fault.
I just came out for a reasonably priced curry with friends, and I have to spend my evening fending off Natalie the man-eater.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Josh, but I think you'll find Danny and Natalie are in a relationship.
In an open relationship, Geoff.
Yeah, well, it's important to be open.
No, they sleep with other people.
- In a dorm? - Why would they sleep in a dorm? Saving money for a deposit? If you're in a healthy, open relationship, that is the obvious next step.
No, Geoff, they have sex with other people.
Well, you just you just said they were in a relationship.
No, that's what an open relationship is.
Danny had sex with Kate last year.
Yeah, and Josh is going to have sex with Natalie tonight.
No, I am not.
Although there's nothing she'd like more.
So you and Kate are in open relationship? BOTH: No! Oh.
Danny and Natalie are very tanned, aren't they? - They're fake tans, Geoff.
- Sorry? It's sprayed on.
Well, I thought you weren't supposed to do that any more, I thought it was meant to be offensive.
I learnt that the hard way at a fancy dress party.
I went as 200-metre runner John Regis.
No, not like that, Geoff.
Bit of a gamble coming in here, of all places, like that.
Shh, here they come.
So, er, Michael Portillo had to get a rail replacement bus service.
No, I'm I don't remember that episode.
Have a naan bread, Natalie.
- Oh, no, I'm already, thanks, babe.
- No, go on.
- No, I said I'm fine.
- Please.
No.
Peshwari.
All right.
Oh Now, ten years ago to this very day, I met the most wonderful woman in the world.
- The Queen? - Geoff! I was hoping to do this as a one-on-one, but it is with unexpected joy that I get to share this moment with friends.
Natalie will you do me the honour of becoming my wife? - Of course I will! - Yes! Wow.
Well, this calls for more champagne, I think.
Or we could just get prosecco? This is lovely! To Danny and Natalie.
- Cheers! - To Danny and Natalie.
Woo-woo-woo! I must say, I can't imagine being in an open relationship myself, but each to their own.
Sorry, why do you think we're in an open relationship? Oh, no, Josh told me.
Sorry, Josh, why do you think that? Well, you are, aren't you? Er, no.
Course we're not! - But that's what Owen told me - Hey, don't drag me into this, mate! So, you're not going to sleep with Natalie? Sorry, mate.
You thought you were in there with my fiancee? No, this is just a misunderstanding.
Why would you say that? Because you're so touchy-feely.
I am just a very tactile person.
I can't believe you think I'm the sort of girl who'd sleep around.
All right, well, what about earlier when you said I might find romance with someone here tonight? Clearly, I was talking about Kate.
Open your eyes! She's the only person from uni as famously single as you are.
What, so you and Kate are together? BOTH: No! Right, let me get this straight.
You were in an open relationship last year, Danny? - What?! - I mean, Kate slept with you.
I'm just trying to catch up.
[HE CHUCKLES.]
- What did he say? - Don't listen to him.
- Yeah, well, why would he say that? - Well, I don't know.
He's probably Josh probably lied to him when he was bragging about how much you fancied him.
I dunno what his problem is.
Don't you get all judgey with me, mate.
I'm not the one who's been shagging around since university.
I just can't believe Kate fell for your story about being in an open relationship.
Kate? Did you sleep with Danny? Um Well Mm No No, you see the thing is, he said you were in an open relationship.
Come on, babe.
Nat! Nat! [KATE GASPS.]
Oh! Oh, God! Oh, God, it's spicy.
Well, maybe some milk will help.
Natalie! [CRUNCHING.]
Well, that was a short engagement.
I'd give it a couple of days before you make your move, Josh.
She'll need time to heal.
Anyway best be off.
I have a date with Michael Portillo.
Not literally, obviously.
We're not in an open relationsh Just watch the milk.
It's a bit slippery.
Well, you do bring these things upon yourself, Kate.
- Piss off, Owen.
- Whoa! [OWEN COUGHS AND GAGS.]
No, no, no, no, no.
No, Owen, don't! No! Oh, what did I say?! Oh, God! Owen! Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo, two saag aloo We didn't order these.
Those two weren't with us.
So, why were you sitting with them? - Poppadoms - I had mine at home.
- Nobody does that.
And what's this charge 'meal upgrade'? The old guy, he paid to take away, then ate in.
This is unbelievable.
Two bottles of champagne! If you ask me, you should've ordered prosecco.
Tastes just as good.
Are you familiar with Holly Willoughby? She done a blind taste test Yes.
Look, we are going to need to split the bill.
Can you go and get Owen? No, I checked on him a minute ago.
He's still chucking his guts up.
Right, well, we're splitting it two ways.
Oh, sorry, like I said, I've lost my wallet.
You're going to use this in one of your skits, aren't you? No.
You should.
Can't hurt.
MUSIC: Spice Up Your Life by the Spice Girls Oh, I feel so much better for being sick.
Are you two still up for the pub? - Absolutely not.
- No.
- Oh, all right, then.
Suit yourself.
- Emma! - Owen! - Hello.
- How are you? - I'm all right.
How are you? - Yeah, good.
Nice to see you.
See? Do you fancy joining me for a hot one? Definitely, cos, er, I've just made a bit of room, actually.
- Great.
- Shall we? - Yeah.
Hi.
Colours of the world Spice up your life Every boy and every girl Spice up your life People of the world Spice up your life Ahhh Slam it to the left If you're having a good time Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine Chicas to the front Ha, ha Go round Slam it to the left If you're having a good time Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine Chicas to the front Ha, ha Hai, si, ja, hold tight La la la la-la-la la-la-laa
No, we're going for a curry and to the pub, and I'm already in my overdraft.
- It's common sense.
- Oh, come on! Nobody saves money by microwaving their own poppadoms at home.
I bloody love this place, though.
The only good thing Geoff has ever done is recommend it to us.
Do you know, it is Emma Bunton's local Indian? - No way! Have you seen her in there? - Ha! And the rest, mate.
- We had a meal together there once.
- Yeah, course you did, mate(!) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you know what? Me and Emma Bunton had more in common than you'd think, actually.
Cast-iron stomachs being one of those things.
Just became a night of one-upmanship in the end, you know, a race to the top of the Scoville scale.
She won, though.
Got to hand it to her.
She ate a rogan josh that was 100% chillies.
How is that still a rogan josh? Do you know what Spice Up Your Life is really about? - What? - The versatility of tamarind.
- No, it isn't! - And if you play it backwards, there's some very derogatory things about peshwari naan.
Good to see business is booming(!) Well, I guess most people are still at home microwaving their poppadoms.
Hello.
- Hey.
- Oh, hello, mate.
Hi.
Er, we reserved a table under Owen James.
Booked it about a week ago.
Er, James is J-A-M-E-S.
Owen is, er We don't have you.
Sorry.
Hey, are you a comedian? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I am, yeah.
It's just, I saw you at the Chuckle Lounge last week and it wasn't obvious.
[OWEN LAUGHS.]
Oh! Your performance had more dips than a poppadom tray.
Yes, good one.
That's a good review.
You should try doing stand-up yourself.
- Well, if he can.
- Look, have you got a table or not? Yeah, sure.
Er, just sit anywhere.
Oh, OK.
Mm Too romantic, too draughty, too near the window.
Now, when it comes to toilet proximity, I don't really mind it, actually.
- Look, shall we just go there? - Oh, yeah, fine, OK.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
Large Cobra, 660 mils - that's more than a pint.
Do you want to share a? I'm not sharing a Cobra.
Can we order some drinks, please? - Yeah, can we get some drinks? - Extra chutney, as requested.
Enjoy.
- Thank you very much, mate.
- See you later.
Oh, well, that's the most amazingly racist thing I've ever seen.
No, I wasn't being racist.
It was just where he stood.
It was nothing to do with race.
Oh, yeah, so if he'd been white, - would you have still ordered drinks? - Yes.
Yes, right, OK.
Oh! Go on, then.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, there you go.
Point proven.
Do you not recognise who that is? Danny and Natalie from university.
- They're the most annoying couple in the world.
- Oh, yeah, so it is.
Please don't see us.
Come on! Looks like I've gone for a curry with Dumbo.
I can't believe they've been together since uni.
That is amazing.
I mean, did she not hear about him constantly shagging around? It was the talk of halls.
Well, that and the time you got caught naked in the laundry room.
That wasn't true.
People said you tumble-dried your penis, - you know, that's why it's so small.
- It doesn't even make sense.
If I got in the tumble dryer, all of me would've shrunk.
Well, that was the other rumour.
Anyway, he wasn't cheating on her.
She was in on it.
- They're in an open relationship.
- No?! - Yes.
That's not a thing in real life, is it? Course it is, you Victorian square! News flash do you realise people kiss with tongues nowadays? And they love it.
No, they were both at it.
Do you not notice how she spent all her spare time with Ben Green? Er, they were badminton doubles partners.
Oh, wake up, Queen Victoria! That means that they were shagging.
No normal people are actually badminton doubles partners.
Me and Kate were badminton doubles partners.
Yeah, well, my point stands.
No, I'm sorry, I don't buy it.
Although, do you reckon that's why she was always so weirdly touchy-feely with me? What, you?! [HE LAUGHS.]
Good one, mate.
She's in an open relationship, not on heat.
No, she's just one of those people who's weirdly tactile, you know.
Yeah, tell me about it.
She was always squeezing my cheeks.
I'm jowly, and she took full advantage.
- Jowly Josh.
- Isn't that an Indian meal? Oh, mate, you need to leave it with the racism.
Do you know what? We should join tables, catch up on old times.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, I don't want to spend my evening putting my car keys in a bowl.
They're not swingers, and you haven't got a car, anyway.
I'm going to go for a piss, yeah? Mine's a small Cobra.
Yeah, I know what it is - you tumble-dried it, mate.
Where are you? I'm two minutes away.
Can you order me a beer? No, not at this exact moment, no.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Why the hell would you answer the phone? That is disgusting.
- What? - I might hear things.
- What things? - 'Grunting.
' - 'I'm not Monica Seles.
' - Plopping.
Plopping? Did you actually just say "plopping"? I mean, how dehydrated do you think I am? Oh, you're disgusting.
What if I'd been FaceTiming you? Kate, the only people that FaceTime are long-distance lovers and mums who've pressed the wrong button.
- They're big crisps.
- Yeah.
- Poppadoms.
- Yeah Hello, mate.
Over here! Oh, bollocks.
[LAUGHTER.]
I can't believe we didn't see you come in.
I know! Nearly missed out on an evening with little Joshie.
- Yeah! - Oh, look at that little face! How I've missed it.
It's hard to miss it.
Look at the size of it! I know.
He is malleable.
Look at that - it's like a Tempur mattress.
Well, thank God Owen came over and said hi.
- Yeah, thank God.
- I can't believe we've not seen you guys since uni.
- No, amazing.
- I mean, you boys were hilarious.
Oh, so funny.
What did you used to call them? Ant & Dec? - No, Dick and Dom.
- In the bungalow! So, what have, er, university's favourite power couple been up to since we saw you last? Well, she's moved the D-bomb into her house.
Yeah, it gets her parents off her back a bit about settling down.
- He loves it really.
- Oh, I do, I do.
I get to talk to this one around the house all day long, and in the evening, I get to call her on Babestation.
He's joking.
He can't afford the premium numbers.
I thought I recognised you, Natalie, or certain parts of you, anyway.
- You dirty bastard, Owen! - Oh, I'm joking.
Oh, join in, Joshie! Yeah, come on.
Join in, Josh.
Right, I'm going to go for a fag, cleanse the palate.
Nat, coming? Er, Josh, do us a favour.
When the, er - When the waiter comes over, can you order for us? - OK.
- The usual? - Yeah, sounds good.
- Lamb balti, chicken vindaloo.
- Two pilau rice, two naan.
- One garlic, one peshwari.
- OK.
- Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo.
- Two saag aloo? - Yes, please.
Thanks, babe.
That is an absurd over-order - two mains, two rices, two naans, five separate potato dishes.
Oh, he's always been flash.
I am not splitting the bill.
I am not paying for his spud binge.
Maybe he should've boiled his own potatoes at home.
Also, who orders a rice and a naan each? Just share like normal people.
Well, you'd think with their lifestyle, they'd be up for sharing.
I can't believe you pushed the tables together.
Well, it's not my fault, mate.
We just caught eyes.
You went over to them.
Yes, and that is when we caught eyes.
Anyway, I dunno why you're complaining.
I was wrong.
Natalie definitely fancies you all that hair ruffling.
- It's like she's prepping you for Crufts.
- Oh, come on! Seriously, mate.
I can't believe it either, but you are in there.
I don't want to be.
Her boyfriend's sat right there.
- All right, Sir Robert Peel.
- What? I'm just reiterating that you're a massive Victorian prude.
Just accept it.
That is how they live their life.
They live their lives to the max.
I wouldn't be surprised if they've gone outside just to have it off.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- Yeah, well, that was Danny's tactic, wasn't it? Get somebody outside, you know, one-on-one, you know they're up for something more than a cigarette, cos the cigarette represents a penis, and then the mouth obviously represents the - You know what the mouth - Yeah, I get it, yeah.
Do you want to know what smoke rings represent? - No, I'm OK.
- I'm so sorry I'm late.
I couldn't find my wallet anywhere.
- Are you all right to shout me this? - Yes.
- No.
You're not going to believe who I saw outside.
Danny and Natalie.
Yes! God, it was awkward.
Why was it awkward? They're an absolute hoot.
Oh, surely I've told you this? Basically, I bumped into Danny on a night out last year, and cut a long story short, we slept together.
- Ah, inevitable.
- You slept with Danny? Oh, chill out, Benjamin Disraeli.
- Yeah, there was nothing dodgy about it.
- He wears an Alice band.
Yeah, he takes it off.
We were just in the same nightclub and we were just, you know, flirting a little bit, and I was I was teaching him this trick, which is basically like a high five, but you watch the elbows as you walk past and you come down, do low five.
Bam-bam.
Bam-bam.
You know the one? - Yeah, yeah, the turbo five.
- Yeah.
Basically, like, after the low five, he held on to my hand and we went home and had sex.
It's a tale as old as time.
Yeah.
I mean, it was fine.
He was very clear they were in an open relationship.
- Oh, you see? He has carte blanche.
- Oh! He did not have carte blanche.
I was very clear in the club about what I would and wouldn't do.
Bloody hell, you guys are already up and running, aren't you?! Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Please tell me you're not sitting with them? It wasn't my fault.
We just caught eyes.
Oh I know what I like.
I haven't used a menu for ten years.
- No way! - Believe it, brother.
I like everything on here, but then with my steel stomach, I've got carte blanche.
What about you, Kate? Are you up for everything? Same for you, Danny? - You got? You got carte blanche? - I love India.
I think visiting really had a profound effect on me.
Well, you lost half a stone.
Look, the thing about India is, she - and she is a she - really spoke to me, and it's a conversation I'm still having.
- Endlessly.
- What did you think about the food? Oh, I mean, I loved the food, but I can handle my spice.
Whoa, what are you on about? You break into a sweat when you have a Peperami.
Hey, Nat, get this - Kate's been to India as well.
Oh, the experiences you two have got in common, eh? - So, did you enjoy India, Natalie? - Oh, loved it.
- Absolutely loved it.
- What did you think of India, Danny? He didn't go.
I, er, travelled solo.
But it's great, cos you just get there and you meet people and you buddy up.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'd be really good in India, I think.
- No, you wouldn't.
- Well Yes, I would.
You know, steel stomach.
Interesting fact for you, though.
The only Indian food I cannot cope with - mango chutney.
Oh! Too sweet? Absolutely not.
No, no.
I had an awful experience.
I was having a late-night biryani, and who should walk in - three fifths of Spandau Ballet.
- DANNY: Top boys, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
But cut to ten minutes later, Martin Kemp throwing up a whole ramekin of the stuff.
- No.
- Awful.
Awful, yeah.
I mean, in fairness to him, he'd had a bad poppadom, it's happened to all of us, but still.
- Bless him.
Bless him.
- Horrendous scenes.
- That didn't happen.
- It did, mate, cos believe it or not, some people have their poppadoms in the restaurant.
- Ready to order? - Yep, yep.
So, er - Lamb balti, chicken vindaloo - Two pilau rice, two naan.
One garlic, one peshwari.
- Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo.
- And two saag aloo.
So, set menu D? Sir? Er, could I get the vegetable korma? [DAN SNIGGERS.]
And is anyone up for sharing a naan? No? I'm happy to go peshwari, garlic or plain? OK, would anyone like to share a rice? Happy to go mushroom, pilau or boiled.
No takers? - Do you do a half rice? - No.
- It says here you do a children's rice.
Could I get the? - No.
Oh, actually, Josh, you can come in on my rice, if you want.
I'll get a whole rice for myself.
And, um, if I can't finish it, can I get a doggy bag? And you, sir? Er, could I have plain naan, plain rice, and chicken vindaloo, please? Can you make it extra spicy? I want to feel the burn.
Oh! Sorry about my Western Philistine friend.
Um, for me, er, what curry are you making for the staff today? Think I'll have that.
Staff curry's always the best curry.
It's made in the true Indian way.
The other stuff on the menu's just softened for the Western palate.
You know, stuff like chicken vindaloo.
Can I change my order to what she's having, please? But can you really, really not hold back? Um, sort of make it hotter than hers.
Brave man.
You'll be dying on your arse tomorrow.
Much like your friend when he goes on stage.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Yes, I get it.
If only the audience had.
- Oh, yes! - Yes, good one.
So, is that all? Actually, I'll get mine with a side of mango chutney, which any Indian food connoisseur loves.
Coming right up.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Oh.
Yep.
Got to get this one.
It's my tailor.
Having some condoms loosened.
[ALL LAUGH.]
I'll leave you guys to mull over how big it is, but just to give you a clue, when I go camping, needs its own sleeping bag.
[ALL LAUGH.]
She knows.
He's joking.
We never go camping! [ALL LAUGH.]
Anyway, it's not about size, is it, Josh? It's what you do with it that counts.
[LAUGHS.]
I dunno.
Got any views on, er, what size Danny's condoms are, Kate? Er, I'm just going to nip to the loo, actually, before the food arrives.
Yes, me, too, actually.
Oh, cheer up.
I was only joking.
You know that no-one really believed the rumour about the tumble dryer? - That's a relief.
- And, er, what does your girlfriend think of the tumble dryer story? I don't have a girlfriend.
Oh! Little Joshie! Well, look, remember, romance could be just around the corner.
- That's nice.
- Could be anyone.
Could be somebody here tonight, even.
Boop-boop.
I dunno why people even go to India.
I mean, if it's a tan you're after, I got this from Boots for 30 quid.
Plus, got one of their chicken tikka sandwiches, so I was practically there anyway! So, what brings you guys here? You haven't moved to the area, have you? Well, we actually came to this restaurant ten years ago, on our first date.
- No way! Is this your 10th anniversary? - BOTH: Yeah.
Oh, well, how about a bottle of champagne? It's on us, isn't it, guys? Or better idea.
Prosecco.
I saw a blind taste test on This Morning and Holly Willoughby actually preferred the prosecco.
Yeah, it's fascinating.
One bottle of champagne, please, waiter! Actually, because it's your special day, we shouldn't impinge.
- No, we'll leave you to it.
- Yeah, of course.
My God, so rude.
No, no, no, no.
The more the merrier, that's our attitude.
Yeah! After ten years together, we tend to get bored of each other! - Oi-oi! - Don't worry, I've got this.
- Does anybody have a samurai sword? - No, Owen.
OK, I'll go traditional, then.
Oh, you're kidding.
No, no.
I, er, sliced open a whole magnum in '08.
Flew over to Tokyo to play the new Mario Kart a day ahead of release.
No, I mean, look who it is.
Hello.
I'm here to pick up an Indian takeaway for one under the name of Geoff Jeffries.
Oh, God, keep your heads down.
- Who's that? - Shh! [CORK POPS.]
[CHEERING.]
- All right! - Hello, guys.
- Hello, Geoff.
- Don't open the champagne on my accord.
Do you fancy a glass? Well, I was looking forward to a Saturday night of chicken dhansak and Michael Portillo's Great British Railway Journeys, but I suppose the East Coast Mainline can wait.
Where shall I sit? I mean, he must travel off-peak, or book in advance, otherwise his rail fare would be astronomical.
Thinking about it, he must book off-peak, because he always manages to get a seat to himself.
I've never seen him sat in the vestibule.
Sorry, who is Michael Portillo? Ha! You know, he explores Britain on a train.
He's married to Diane Abbott.
He wears bright trousers and he's got a squidgy face.
Well, he's not the only one with a squidgy face! Marshmallow man! Room for another one there, Josh? - No, absolutely not.
No.
- Oh, go on, mate.
It's our anniversary.
Come on.
- Ah It's your anniversary? That's lovely.
- Yeah, ten years today.
- Congratulations.
I once spent an anniversary here.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Painful memories.
- Oh.
Are you not with her any more? I wasn't with her on the night.
She didn't turn up.
I dined alone [HE SIGHS.]
with just my memories for company.
Oh, well, sorry to hear that, mate.
I ordered a dish for every month we'd been together.
Chicken dhansak, naan bread You were only together two months? Yeah, it was lucky, really.
I wasn't that hungry.
- That's everything.
- Thank you.
Right, let's dig in, shall we? - I think we may have over-ordered again, Nat.
- Do you think? No, feel free to just tuck in, guys.
We've got loads of food here.
OK.
Thank you.
I haven't been this excited about the potency of chilli since I had Ivan Zamorano at France '98.
- Oh, want some mango chutney, Owen? - Oh, get away from me.
- Oooh! - No, seriously, Kate! I told you about Martin Kemp! Oh! Can't handle his chutney doesn't bode well.
Good luck with the chef's special, mate.
That should be interesting.
All right, bring it on.
Oh.
Knife and fork - so Western.
You know, in India they actually eat with their hands? Nature's fork.
Ow.
I am pretty sure they use a bread for that, though, Kate.
I made that mistake in India when I was down there exploring the buy-to-let market in Mumbai.
I, er, ended up burning my palms.
I mistakenly dipped straight into a saucepan of tarka dhal.
I couldn't high five for a week.
Tell you who's got a good high five trick, is Kate.
- Er, has she shown it to you, Danny? - Mm? Owen! Stop with your delaying tactics.
- Too scared to try your curry? - No.
Mm.
Mm! Oh! Oh, that is lovely.
Yeah, that's really nice.
Mm.
- Are you all right there, Kate? - Mm.
Yes, that is That That is lovely.
I'm just going to have a little bit of mango chutney with it, to bring out the spices, cos I'm loving it so much.
Actually, I'm just going to have a whole spoonful, just to really You OK there, Kate? You're really working up a sweat.
It's not the first time that's been said! Yeah No, I'm fine.
Give it up, Kate.
This is pathetic.
Yeah, seriously, Kate, I think you just dripped in your curry.
- Everything OK with your meal, guys? - Yes, absolutely lovely, thanks.
Yeah, this is lovely.
But can I get? Can I get a pint of mulk? - What, sorry? - Pint of mulk.
- I think she's trying to say milk.
- A glass of milk? Pint.
Oh, dear.
No, actually, cos it's traditional, cos cows are sacred.
Right.
So, Geoff, how do you know the good, the bad and the ugly, then? I'm their landlord.
Oh, of course.
So you're responsible for all the mod cons? Do they have a tumble dryer? I'm constantly round there fixing it.
Well, that can happen if you don't use it properly, Josh.
I had to take it apart to remove his inhaler from it the other day.
Oh, is that what you call it? Well, I call mine my puffer.
Well Geoff, just leave it, OK? One pint of milk.
Can I get another glass of milk, please? Oh.
A palate as weak as your act.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, Kate! That is embarrassing.
No, it's not embarrassing, actually, because, actually, when I was exploring in Oh, give it a rest, Ravi Shankar! You were never exploring India.
You went on a two-week holiday with your parents when you were 15.
You had to leave after 48 hours cos a chapati gave you the squits.
- That is not true! - Yes, it is.
It was a pakora.
Hey, I'll tell you who can, er, cope with his hot curry.
Rick Wakeman.
Right, I've had enough of your celebrity curry night shit.
No-one believes you.
Oh! Hashtag awks.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that, guys.
Sorry.
Hey, it's all right.
Everybody gets stressed.
Do you know what? Why don't you come outside for a cigarette with me? It might calm you down.
No, it's it's not really my thing, sorry.
All right, well, you know where we are if you fancy it.
Danny? Yeah, yeah.
Ooh.
See? You are seriously in there, mate.
I told you.
And it's your fault.
I just came out for a reasonably priced curry with friends, and I have to spend my evening fending off Natalie the man-eater.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Josh, but I think you'll find Danny and Natalie are in a relationship.
In an open relationship, Geoff.
Yeah, well, it's important to be open.
No, they sleep with other people.
- In a dorm? - Why would they sleep in a dorm? Saving money for a deposit? If you're in a healthy, open relationship, that is the obvious next step.
No, Geoff, they have sex with other people.
Well, you just you just said they were in a relationship.
No, that's what an open relationship is.
Danny had sex with Kate last year.
Yeah, and Josh is going to have sex with Natalie tonight.
No, I am not.
Although there's nothing she'd like more.
So you and Kate are in open relationship? BOTH: No! Oh.
Danny and Natalie are very tanned, aren't they? - They're fake tans, Geoff.
- Sorry? It's sprayed on.
Well, I thought you weren't supposed to do that any more, I thought it was meant to be offensive.
I learnt that the hard way at a fancy dress party.
I went as 200-metre runner John Regis.
No, not like that, Geoff.
Bit of a gamble coming in here, of all places, like that.
Shh, here they come.
So, er, Michael Portillo had to get a rail replacement bus service.
No, I'm I don't remember that episode.
Have a naan bread, Natalie.
- Oh, no, I'm already, thanks, babe.
- No, go on.
- No, I said I'm fine.
- Please.
No.
Peshwari.
All right.
Oh Now, ten years ago to this very day, I met the most wonderful woman in the world.
- The Queen? - Geoff! I was hoping to do this as a one-on-one, but it is with unexpected joy that I get to share this moment with friends.
Natalie will you do me the honour of becoming my wife? - Of course I will! - Yes! Wow.
Well, this calls for more champagne, I think.
Or we could just get prosecco? This is lovely! To Danny and Natalie.
- Cheers! - To Danny and Natalie.
Woo-woo-woo! I must say, I can't imagine being in an open relationship myself, but each to their own.
Sorry, why do you think we're in an open relationship? Oh, no, Josh told me.
Sorry, Josh, why do you think that? Well, you are, aren't you? Er, no.
Course we're not! - But that's what Owen told me - Hey, don't drag me into this, mate! So, you're not going to sleep with Natalie? Sorry, mate.
You thought you were in there with my fiancee? No, this is just a misunderstanding.
Why would you say that? Because you're so touchy-feely.
I am just a very tactile person.
I can't believe you think I'm the sort of girl who'd sleep around.
All right, well, what about earlier when you said I might find romance with someone here tonight? Clearly, I was talking about Kate.
Open your eyes! She's the only person from uni as famously single as you are.
What, so you and Kate are together? BOTH: No! Right, let me get this straight.
You were in an open relationship last year, Danny? - What?! - I mean, Kate slept with you.
I'm just trying to catch up.
[HE CHUCKLES.]
- What did he say? - Don't listen to him.
- Yeah, well, why would he say that? - Well, I don't know.
He's probably Josh probably lied to him when he was bragging about how much you fancied him.
I dunno what his problem is.
Don't you get all judgey with me, mate.
I'm not the one who's been shagging around since university.
I just can't believe Kate fell for your story about being in an open relationship.
Kate? Did you sleep with Danny? Um Well Mm No No, you see the thing is, he said you were in an open relationship.
Come on, babe.
Nat! Nat! [KATE GASPS.]
Oh! Oh, God! Oh, God, it's spicy.
Well, maybe some milk will help.
Natalie! [CRUNCHING.]
Well, that was a short engagement.
I'd give it a couple of days before you make your move, Josh.
She'll need time to heal.
Anyway best be off.
I have a date with Michael Portillo.
Not literally, obviously.
We're not in an open relationsh Just watch the milk.
It's a bit slippery.
Well, you do bring these things upon yourself, Kate.
- Piss off, Owen.
- Whoa! [OWEN COUGHS AND GAGS.]
No, no, no, no, no.
No, Owen, don't! No! Oh, what did I say?! Oh, God! Owen! Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo, two saag aloo We didn't order these.
Those two weren't with us.
So, why were you sitting with them? - Poppadoms - I had mine at home.
- Nobody does that.
And what's this charge 'meal upgrade'? The old guy, he paid to take away, then ate in.
This is unbelievable.
Two bottles of champagne! If you ask me, you should've ordered prosecco.
Tastes just as good.
Are you familiar with Holly Willoughby? She done a blind taste test Yes.
Look, we are going to need to split the bill.
Can you go and get Owen? No, I checked on him a minute ago.
He's still chucking his guts up.
Right, well, we're splitting it two ways.
Oh, sorry, like I said, I've lost my wallet.
You're going to use this in one of your skits, aren't you? No.
You should.
Can't hurt.
MUSIC: Spice Up Your Life by the Spice Girls Oh, I feel so much better for being sick.
Are you two still up for the pub? - Absolutely not.
- No.
- Oh, all right, then.
Suit yourself.
- Emma! - Owen! - Hello.
- How are you? - I'm all right.
How are you? - Yeah, good.
Nice to see you.
See? Do you fancy joining me for a hot one? Definitely, cos, er, I've just made a bit of room, actually.
- Great.
- Shall we? - Yeah.
Hi.
Colours of the world Spice up your life Every boy and every girl Spice up your life People of the world Spice up your life Ahhh Slam it to the left If you're having a good time Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine Chicas to the front Ha, ha Go round Slam it to the left If you're having a good time Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine Chicas to the front Ha, ha Hai, si, ja, hold tight La la la la-la-la la-la-laa