Keeping Up Appearances s02e02 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) begins playing ) LISTEN TO THAT! - DOESN'T HE PLAY BEAUTIFULLY? - YES, HE DOES.
BRAHMS I THINK.
MENDELSOHN, SURELY.
( laughs ) JUST TESTING.
KNOW ALL.
OH.
DO YOU THINK IT'S WISE TO APPEAR OUTSIDE SCANTILY DRESSED, ELIZABETH? SCANTILY DRESSED? THIS ROBE'S LIKE AN ARMY OVERCOAT.
IT'S JUST THAT WITH SO MANY DEGENERATES ABOUT-- ONE ON MY OWN DOORSTEP.
OH, YES, I SUPPOSE YOU'D BE ALL RIGHT.
EMMET PLAYS BEAUTIFULLY.
YES HE DOES, DOESN'T HE? I DO LOVE MENDELSOHN.
IT'S CHOPIN, I THINK.
OH, YES, OF COURSE, CHOPIN.
( laughs ) SOME FOOL WALKING PAS SAID IT WAS MENDELSOHN.
YOU SEE, NOT ONLY DEGENERATES, BUT MUSICAL IGNORAMUSES AS WELL.
"IGNORAMI," I MEAN.
ONSLOW? WHAT? WHY DON'T YOU GROW A MUSTACHE? YOU WAN A MUSTACHE? WHY DON'T YOU GROW A MUSTACHE? I'D JUST LIKE SOME LITTLE SIGN YOU WERE TRYING TO EXERT SOME ATTRACTION OVER ME, ONSLOW.
A WOMAN LIKES TO BE WOOED.
SHE SHOULD LIVE IN AN ATMOSPHERE THAT CRACKLES WITH SEXUAL TENSION.
- ( phone rings ) - OH.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, MRS.
FORTESCUE.
- IT'S MRS.
FORTESCUE.
- WHO? THE OLD LADY WHOSE SISTER MARRIED A BARONET.
SHE'S VIRTUALLY ARISTOCRACY.
SHE ONCE INJURED YOU WITH HER WALKING STICK IN CHURCH.
OH, THAT MRS.
FORTESCUE.
OH, YES OF COURSE, MRS.
FORTESCUE.
- AS IT HAPPENS WE ARE GOING INTO TOWN.
- WE ARE? WE'D BE DELIGHTED TO GIVE YOU A LIFT.
HYACINTH, I-- I EXPECT HER CHAUFFEUR'S INDISPOSED.
NOW WEAR YOUR BETTER SUIT, RICHARD.
NO, THERE WON'T BE ANY PROBLEM, I DO ASSURE YOU.
I'M NOT SO CERTAIN IF SHE'S GOING TO BE WAVING THAT WALKING STICK AROUND.
YES, YOU HAVE MET MY HUSBAND.
I BELIEVE YOU CAUGHT HIM ONCE IN CHURCH.
OH! I THINK OUR ROSE IS HOME.
( pounding on stairs ) IT MUST BE TIME TO GET UP.
HOW CAN YOU LIE THERE WHEN I'VE BEEN BETRAYED AND ABANDONED? HAVE YOU NO SYMPATHY FOR A PERSON'S NEEDS AT A TIME OF ACUTE PERSONAL TRAUMA? OH, I MUS HAVE A FAG.
OH, GIVE US A FAG, ONSLOW! I'VE BEEN BETRAYED AND ABANDONED! ( sobs ) ( screams ) GIVE HER A CIGARETTE! NOW SHOW ME HOW YOU INTEND TO GREET MRS.
FORTESCUE, WHO HAS CHOSEN US, REMEMBER, ABOVE ALL HER ACQUAINTANCES BLESSED WITH THEIR OWN TRANSPORT.
NOW SHOW ME.
EH, GOOD MORNING, MRS.
FORTESCUE.
NO, NO, RICHARD, IT'S TOO TENTATIVE, DEAR.
YOU MUST MAKE HER REALIZE AT ONCE THAT YOU'RE A POWER IN LOCAL AUTHORITY CIRCLES.
NOW TRY IT AGAIN, DEAR.
COULDN'T I JUST SAY, "GOOD MORNING, MRS.
FORTESCUE," AND WEAR A LARGE LABEL SAYING, "POWERFUL IN LOCAL AUTHORITY CIRCLES"? I DON'T THINK THAT'S VERY AMUSING, DEAR.
I HOPE YOU'RE NO GOING TO SPOIL THINGS WITH LOWER-MIDDLE-CLASS HUMOR.
NOW CONVERSATION.
WHAT DO YOU USUALLY TALK ABOUT IN THE CAR? I THINK YOU'LL FIND THAT USUALLY YOU TALK AND I LISTEN.
THEN LET'S NOT TAMPER WITH A WINNING SYSTEM.
WHAT ON EARTH IS HYACINTH DOING? YOU COULD POP OUTSIDE AND FIND OUT.
I DARE'NT GO OUT THERE.
THE MINUTE SHE SETS EYES ON ME SHE BEGINS TO SING.
I THINK SHE'S AFTER A PAR IN YOUR AMATEUR OPERATIC GROUP.
APART, THEPART.
THAT'S TRUE.
WHAT THE DEVIL IS SHE DOING? CLOSE THE DOOR.
NOW COME TO THE FRONT DOOR.
NO, NO, NO, DEAR.
SHOULDERS BACK, HEAD HIGH.
NO, DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
THAT'S A BI BETTER, YES.
IN CASE ANYBODY'S WATCHING.
THAT'S WHAT WORRIES ME.
SOMEBODY MIGHT BE WATCHING.
I DON'T MEAN HERE.
I MEAN AT MRS.
FORTESCUE'S.
- OH.
- SHE MIGHT BE PEERING THROUGH HER WINDOW WAITING FOR US TO ARRIVE.
SO I'M AT THE DOOR, NOW WHAT? RING THE BELL.
OH, GO ON, RING THE BELL.
( bell rings ) OH, NO, NOT LIKE THAT, RICHARD.
THAT WAS ALMOS A TRADESMAN'S RING.
KEEP THE INDEX FINGER STRAIGHT.
( bell rings ) FOR MY SAKE, RICHARD, PLEASE PRACTICE YOUR RING.
IT SHOULD BE FIRM BUT FRIENDLY.
NOW LET'S MOVE ALONG.
YOU WILL TAKE MRS.
FORTESCUE GENTLY BY THE ELBOW OH.
AND ESCORT HER TO THE CAR.
TAKING CARE TO AVOID HER WALKING STICK.
I'M SURE IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDEN WITH THE WALKING STICK.
SHE'S LETHAL WITH THAT STICK.
OH.
LITTLE OLD LADY PASSING BY I TOLD YOU.
I TOLD YOU.
BEHOLD ( phone rings ) THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, IT'S YOU, VIOLET.
IT'S VIOLET.
MAKE MY EXCUSES TO ELIZABETH AND EMMET.
TELL THEM IT'S MY WEALTHY SISTER, THE ONE WHO MARRIED THE TURF ACCOUNTANT-- LARGE HOUSE, SWIMMING POOL, ROOM FOR A PONY.
NOW, VIOLET, I HAVEN'T GO LONG TO CHAT, DEAR.
I'M GOING INTO TOWN WITH THE RELATIVE OF A BARONET.
SHE DOES RATHER RELY ON ME, YES.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR HUSBAND, DEAR? WHIMS AND FANCIES.
( chuckles ) THEY ALL HAVE THEIR WHIMS AND FANCIES.
IN WHAT WAY IS BRUCE GOING STRANGE? ( laughs ) I'M SORRY, VIOLET, BUT I THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT THERE YOU SAID HE WANTED YOU BOTH TO DRESS UP AS ROBIN HOOD AND MAID MARION.
YES.
( chuckles ) OH, HE DOES WANT YOU BOTH TO DRESS UP LIKE ROBIN HOOD AND MAID MARION.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVEN' HEARD THE WORST PART? HE WANTS TO BE MAID MARION.
- Hyacinth: WE TURN LEFT HERE.
- I KNOW WE TURN LEFT HERE.
WELL, ARE YOU IN THE RIGHT GEAR, DEAR? WHICH WOULD YOU PREFER? WATCH THE CYCLIST.
I'M WATCHING THE CYCLIST.
SHE SHOULDN'T BE RIDING A BICYCLE WEARING SKIRTS AS SHORT AS THAT.
KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, DEAR.
BUT YOU JUST TOLD ME TO WATCH THE CYCLIST.
JUST WATCH THE ROAD, DEAR.
WHAT DID VIOLET HAVE TO SAY THAT'S PUT YOU IN SUCH A MOOD? - WHAT? - YOUR SISTER ON THE PHONE? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? ( sighs ) IT'S BRUCE.
HE'S GOING OFF AGAIN.
OH, WHERE TO THIS TIME, TENERIFE? SHERWOOD FORES BY THE SOUND OF IT.
WATCH THE ROAD, DEAR.
WHY SHERWOOD FOREST? HE WANTS HER TO PLAY ROBIN HOOD.
HE'S STILL TAKING THE TABLETS, IS HE? I THINK SO.
PROPERTY.
HER LATE HUSBAND WAS EXTREMELY FORTUNATE IN BUSINESS.
DON'T FORGE TO COMPLIMENT HER ON HER SHRUBBERY.
I'LL BE AS NICE AS YOU LIKE, AS LONG AS SHE DOESN' ATTACK ME WITH THAT STICK.
IT'S UP TO YOU TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE WALKING STICK.
- SHE IS AN OLD LADY.
- SHE'S A DAMNED AGILE OLD LADY.
PERHAPS I SHOULD STAY IN THE CAR.
NO, NO, PERHAPS I SHOULD MEET HER AT THE DOOR.
THEN AGAIN I DON' WANT TO LOOK TOO EAGER.
STAY IN THE CAR.
NO, NO, NO! I THINK THE BEST THING IS FOR YOU TO RING THE BELL AND WHEN SHE ANSWERS THE DOOR SHE'LL FIND ME ADMIRING HER GARDEN.
A SUBTLE COMPLIMEN WITHOUT GOING TOO FAR.
IS YOUR TIE ALL RIGHT? - NOW SHOW ME A SMILE.
- WHAT? YOUR SMILE.
SHOW ME THE SMILE WITH WHICH YOU WILL GREET HER AT THE DOOR.
OH, GOOD GRIEF, HYACINTH.
NOW DON'T BE OBSTRUCTIONIST.
SHOW ME YOUR SMILE.
YOU'LL HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT.
SOMETIMES I CAN UNDERSTAND THE DESIRE TO GET AWAY FROM IT ALL AND PLAY ROBIN HOOD-- I REALLY CAN.
WELL, GO ON.
GO AND RING THE BELL.
I'VE GOT TO FIND SOME WAY OF FINDING OU IF HE LOVES ME.
HE SAYS HE DOES BUT YOU KNOW WHAT LIARS MEN ARE.
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD WEAR MY HAIR IN A BUN? IF HE IDOLIZES ME LIKE HE SAYS, HOW COME I CAUGHT HIM WRAPPED SNUGLY ROUND MRS.
BAILEY? ONSLOW, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD PUT MY HAIR UP IN A BUN? YEAH, GREAT.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I SAID! - YEAH, GREAT.
- SEE! HOW CAN YOU TELL IF SOMEBODY REALLY LOVES YOU? LOVES YOU? I MEAN, WAKES UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGH IN A PANIC BECAUSE YOU MIGHT BE DEAD? HAS VISIONS OF YOU LYING IN YOUR COFFIN, IN SOMETHING BLACK AND ATTRACTIVE? THEY DON'T EVEN NOTICE IF YOU PUT YOUR HAIR UP IN A BUN! OH, I WANT TO KNOW IF HE LOVES ME! DOES HE LOVE YOU SMOKING OTHER PEOPLE'S CIGARETTES? BUG OFF, ONSLOW! OH, NICE.
SMILE, RICHARD.
GOOD MORNING, MRS.
FORTESCUE.
WHAT? WAS THAT YOU RINGING THE BELL? GOOD MORNING, MRS.
FORTESCUE.
YOUR GARDEN'S LOOKING LOVELY.
IT WAS-- IT WAS HIM RINGING THE BELL.
HELP MRS.
FORTESCUE TO THE CAR, RICHARD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? KEEP AWAY.
YOU WANTED A LIF INTO TOWN, MRS.
FORTESCUE.
LIFT? IN THE CAR.
I DON'T NEED YOU TO CARRY ME! GO AWAY.
WOULD YOU HELP ME WITH MRS.
FORTESCUE, HYACINTH? I'M COMING.
I'M COMING.
WHAT'S SHE DOING IN THE BUSHES? NO, RICHARD.
MRS.
FORTESCUE MUS TAKE MY SEAT.
IN THE FRONT.
THANK YOU, BUT I ALWAYS PREFER TO BE IN THE BACK WITH DRIVERS I HAVEN' TRAVELED WITH BEFORE.
OUT OF THE WAY.
( Richard screams ) MIND WHAT YOU'RE DOING, RICHARD.
SHE'S LETHAL WITH THAT STICK.
TRY TO BE SOCIABLE, DEAR.
HOW ARE YOU KEEPING, MRS.
FORTESCUE? BORED SINCE THEY TOOK AWAY MY LICENSE.
DAMN FOOLS! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
IT WASN' "DRINK AND DRIVING.
" OH, I'M SURE WE WOULDN' BE THINKING THAT, MRS.
FORTESCUE.
WHAT WAS IT, MRS.
FORTESCUE? SPEEDING.
I'M SURPRISED IT WASN' GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM.
WATCH THE CAR AT THE CURB, DEAR.
I'M WATCHING THE CAR AT THE CURB.
- AND TAKE THE NEXT LEFT.
- TAKING NEXT LEFT.
NO, NOT LEFT! - GO STRAIGHT ON! - GO STRAIGHT ON.
I THOUGHT LEF MIGHT BE A MORE ATTRACTIVE ROUTE, MRS.
FORTESCUE.
GO STRAIGHT ON.
GO STRAIGHT ON.
HOW FAS IS HE GOING? ONLY 28 MILES AN HOUR, MRS.
FORTESCUE.
GOOD GRIEF! CAN'T HE PU HIS CLOG DOWN? I'D LOVE YOU TO ATTEND SUPPERS, MRS.
FORTESCUE.
CANDLELIGHT WHAT? SUPPERS! HAVE THEY CUT OFF YOUR ELECTRICITY? I THINK SUBDUED LIGHTING MAKES A STATEMENT, DON'T YOU? I LIKE TO SEE WHAT I'M EATING.
I'M PARTIALLY DEAF, BUT DAMNED IF I WAN TO GO BLIND.
WATCH WHERE YOU'RE DRIVING, DEAR AND SLOW DOWN.
ARE WE STOPPING? DON'T SLOW DOWN, RICHARD! I'VE GOT TO.
THERE'S A LEARNER DRIVER TRYING TO TURN RIGHT.
HI, DICKEY, HOW'S IT GOING? - WHO'S THAT? - WHO WAS WHAT? THAT MAN YOUR HUSBAND WAS WAVING AT.
HE WASN'T WAVING, MRS.
FORTESCUE, HE WAS JUS SIGNALING A TURN.
MUCH MORE OF THIS AND I THINK I'LL HAVE A TURN.
- HMM? - NOTHING, DEAR.
YOUTO KNOW.
HOW VERY PERCEPTIVE OF YOU TO RECOGNIZE THAT, MRS.
FORTESCUE.
I'M GOING TO TACKLE HIM FACE TO FACE.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU NEED ME WITH YOU.
- I NEED A WITNESS.
YOU COULD'VE GIVEN ME TIME TO DO SOMETHING WITH MY HAIR.
NOBODY'S GO THAT MUCH TIME.
I'M GOING TO HAVE IT OUT WITH HIM, ONCE AND FOR ALL.
I'M GOING TO FIND OU HOW MUCH HE REALLY CARES.
YOU CAN'T EMBARRASS HIM WHILE HE'S AT WORK, ASKING HIM IF HE LOVES YOU.
IT WOULD EMBARRASS HIM MORE IF I ASKED HIM AT HOME.
HIS WIFE WOULD BE LISTENING.
IS THAT RICHARD'S CAR? OH, GOOD.
HE CAN GIVE US A LIFT.
- ISN'T THAT DAISY AND ROSE? - HMM? IT IS.
IT'S DAISY AND ROSE.
DON'T STOP.
- IT LOOKS AS THOUGH THEY WANT A LIFT.
- DON'T STOP.
WE'LL HAVE TO STOP, THEY'VE SEEN US.
WE CAN'T CRAM THEM IN THE BACK WITH MRS.
FORTESCUE.
OH, WE'LL MANAGE.
OH, WE'LL MANAGE.
ARE THEY PEOPLE YOU KNOW? WELL-- YOU WOULDN'T FIND THEM AT MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.
SHE DRAGGED ME OUT! SHE WANTS A WITNESS! I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO DO MY HAIR.
SHOVE UP, ROSE.
WOULD YOU SHOVE UP, PLEASE? HOW FAR ARE YOU GOING? THAT'S WHAT I INTEND TO ASK MR.
HARIWELL.
DON'T YOU FIND LOVE A TORMENT? WELL I CAN'T SAY I HAVE FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS.
MAYBE I SHOULD'VE WORN MY HAIR IN A BUN.
TOTALLY-- EVERY WEDNESDAY.
I'M SURE MRS.
FORTESCUE ISN'T INTERESTED IN YOUR ROMANTIC AFFAIRS, ROSE.
ON THE CONTRARY, IT'S FASCINATING.
YOU'VE A RIGH TO KNOW WHERE YOU STAND.
YOU'VE A RIGH TO KNOW IF HE LOVES YOU.
horn honks ) NOW WHAT? LOOK, THERE'S A PUB UP AHEAD.
IF I'M GOING TO BE A WITNESS TO ONE OF OUR ROSE'S BIG SCENES, THEN I WAN A STIFFENER.
- WE CAN'T POSSIBLY FIND TIME-- - OF COURSE WE CAN! THE GIRLS NEED A STIFFENER.
AND AFTER HEARING THAT SLICE OF POOR ROSE'S LIFE, SO DO I.
YOU'VE HEARD MRS.
FORTESCUE, RICHARD.
SHE NEEDS A STIFFENER.
OH.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MRS.
FORTESCUE? ALL RIGHT.
I'M A BIT HUNGRY.
ISN'T THIS ONSLOW'S BICYCLE? HMM? OH, GOODY.
OH, YES.
WHY NOT? LET IT BE ONSLOW'S BICYCLE.
RICHARD, YOU MUST GO AND RESCUE MRS.
FORTESCUE.
ME? YOU KNOW I NEVER GO INTO PUBLIC HOUSES.
JUST GO IN THERE AND HELP THE WOMAN OUT.
SHE'S PRACTICALLY BEEN KIDNAPPED.
I'LL WAIT IN THE CAR.
I'D LIKE HER TO SEE THAT THERE IS AT LEAS ONE MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY WHO'S ABOVE FREQUENTING PUBLIC HOUSES.
NOW GO ON.
GO ON! AH, JUST THE LAD.
FUZZY AGAIN? I'M NOT STOPPING, ONSLOW.
I'M SUPPOSED TO RESCUE MRS.
FORTESCUE.
THE OLD BUB WITH THE STICK? SHE'S FINE.
HE ALWAYS WEARS BEAUTIFUL TROUSERS.
THE FIRST THING I NOTICED ABOUT HIM WAS HIS TROUSERS.
TO ANYONE WHO KNOWS OUR ROSE, THIS WILL COME AS NO SURPRISE.
SHUT YOUR FACE, ONSLOW.
THIS IS ONSLOW-- MY HUSBAND, ONSLOW.
THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND? BIG, ISN'T HE? AND AWKWARD.
ONSLOW, MRS.
FORTESCUE THINKS I SHOULD WEAR MY HAIR IN A BUN.
GREAT.
( horn honks ) YOU SILLY BITCH.
BUTTERFINGERS.
I'VE NEVER KNOWN ANYONE QUITE SO INSTANTLY PASSIONATE AS MR.
HARIWELL.
MY HUSBAND WAS NEVER ALL THAT PASSIONATE.
ONSLOW'S A BI SLIP SHOD PASSION-WISE.
- I THOUGHT IT WAS THE REAL THING THIS TIME.
- UNDERSTANDABLY.
AS A TOKEN OF HIS GENUINE AFFECTION, HE BOUGHT ME A SE OF NAUGHTY UNDERWEAR.
OH, REALLY? I CAN'T THINK OF THE LAST TIME ONSLOW BOUGH ME ANY UNDERWEAR.
LISTEN, I REALLY MUST BE GETTING BACK TO HYACINTH.
SHE'S FINE.
I'VE JUST SEEN HER CHATTING TO SOME BLOKE WITH AN EMPTY TRAY.
OH, NO, NOT MRS.
BARKERFINCH.
GO ON, GET OUT! GET OFF IT! AT LAST.
WHEW! CLEAR OFF! - WHAT'S GOING ON?! DRIVER! DRIVER, STOP! DRIVER, I WISH TO ALIGHT! HELP! STOP! STOP! STOP! - STOP! STOP, DRIVER! STOP! ( knocking ) GOOD AFTERNOON.
LOVELY DAY, ISN'T IT? OH! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I BUMPED INTO TWO LADIES I KNOW.
YOU LOOK AS IF YOU DID.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? IF WE'RE GOING TO INDULGE IN PERSONAL CRITICISM, STRAIGHTEN YOUR TIE! AND WHAT ABOUT POOR MRS.
FORTESCUE-- WHY HAVEN'T YOU RESCUED HER? COME AND SEE FOR YOURSELF.
I GOT A DOUBLE TOP! - WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING, HYACINTH? - A VERY LARGE WHISKEY.
OH, NICE.
Rose: SHE'S GOING! YOU HAVE VERY INTERESTING RELATIVES, MRS.
BUCKET.
IT'S "BOUQUET.
" YES, THEY ARE VERY INTERESTING.
WASN'T THAT BRUCE? KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, DEAR.
( theme music playing )