Kevin Can Wait (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

1 - Hey.
- Hey, Jackie boy! Here's your lunch.
Right here, buddy.
I was gonna put in watermelon, but, uh, it didn't look good, so, uh, I ate it, and, uh Ended up being good.
Really good, actually.
Uh, you got cherries.
Hey, uh, Dad, where's my lacrosse uniform? Oh.
I washed it.
Okay, tell me you didn't touch my sports bra.
Started to, then it kind of felt weird, so I picked it up with salad tongs.
I'll go get your stuff for you, all right? I thought you were going to talk to him.
You gotta tell him not to pick me up from school.
He's driving me crazy.
Okay, guys, I'm on it.
I got a plan.
Okay, well, he comes to every one of my lacrosse practices.
Not even the coach does that.
[CLENCHED TEETH.]
I got it covered.
- Okay, just go to school.
- Here you go.
Here's your stuff.
“Under items” are in the middle, like a sandwich.
Like a sandwich.
Not touching.
Not touching.
Now see how it works? All right, have a good day.
Hey, hey, guys, be leaders today, okay.
Be leaders! Hey, uh, Dad, do you got a minute? Yeah.
What's up? Well, you know, I-I just wanted to say, ever since Mom passed away, you have been incredible.
You know, really involved, which is amazing, so, so great.
Sweet pea, you gotta spit it out.
I love you, but I got cookies baking.
Okay, well, I'm thinking maybe today you don't go to Sara's lacrosse practice or you don't walk Jack home from school.
You know, he's got friends that think it's a little weird.
What? I-I don't walk with him.
I'm back, like, 25, 30 yards.
That's the weird part.
Look, I gotta make sure he gets home safe.
- It's my job, all right? - Yeah, well, maybe you could just take a little vacation from your job? A Va You know what? By the way, I was just thinking that.
We should all take a vacation to Hershey Park.
And I'm thinking this weekend, the whole family.
- Oh, wow! Fun! - Yes.
This this is gonna be my first trip as a full-fledged member of the Gable family.
But we have other plans.
We can hit Amish country.
How cool is that? “Look at me.
I'm Amish.
I'm going to build a barn, and you can churn the butter ” I don't know how they sound like, but [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Hey, hey.
- CHALE: Hey.
Hey, Vanessa! What are you doing here? Oh, I was just in the neighborhood, thought I'd swing by, catch up.
- What? - Okay, I need a favor.
You know how after I retired, I started taking security gigs? Well, today, need a partner, just for one day.
No can do.
No, I'm a full-time dad now, all right.
- No, Dad, it's - The kids depend on me.
just one day.
Chale and I can take care of the kids.
See? There ya go.
Come on, I need you.
Just find somebody else, all right? I can't! I need the best.
Finally, we get to the truth.
All right, look, I guess Superman can fly one more time.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know? - That would be great.
- Okay.
I'll put on my cape.
And by “cape,” I mean some fresh sweats 'cause Superman likes to keep it loose in the caboose.
You know what I'm talking about? Oh.
Thank you.
That was perfect.
He's been so obsessed with taking care of us that he forgets he's supposed to have a life, too.
I know.
And every time I bring it up, he just gives me the tough guy routine, so I just stick with the usual.
You know, “You're fat, you're dumb, you're useless.
” And he really needs that right now.
Thank you.
- I do what I can.
- Hmm.
Hurry up, idiot! I am not your ordinary guy Wait a second.
We gotta go back.
They didn't put onions on my burger.
[MOUTH FULL.]
We're not going back.
Deal with it.
- Did you get onions on yours? - Yes.
Then obviously you have my burger.
Okay.
- Can you just trade with me? - Fine.
Fine, ya big baby.
Here.
Thank you.
What what is what is - What is that? What is that? - [MOUTH FULL.]
I can't with you.
I don't know.
Lipstick? Lipstick? I want mine back.
- Give it back.
- Oh.
Just give it back.
Can I just get the onions off yours? - You are insane, man.
- I just want the onions, - You're sick.
- just your onions.
It's just onions, that's all it is.
So what's the name of this company we're working for? Golden Phoenix Security.
It's a new company.
Why? [INHALES DEEPLY.]
I'm just sayin' You know, we're serving divorce papers.
It's kind of low-rent.
[SIGHS.]
They're paying us.
Two people to hand the guy a piece of paper? It's not that hard.
He's slippery, okay? He knows we're coming.
I tried twice.
He got away from me.
You tried twice? [LAUGHS.]
Now I know why you had to bring in the big man.
What's he Is that him over there? Yeah.
Okay, that's him.
Okay.
- That's the guy, right? He's jogging.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, here's the plan.
I'm gonna go around the back New plan! Let the big man roll! It's good to stretch, right? Yeah.
Hey.
Aren't you Anthony Baer? You'll never take me alive.
No, I don't want to take you alive.
Just gonna give you an envelope.
That's all I'm gonna do.
Tell my wife I'm not getting divorced! - A man can love two women! - What? He's fast.
[ENGINE IDLING.]
Just Hey! I'm just trying to give you Hey, kid, give me the bike! Retired police business.
Hey! The steering's jacked.
It doesn't matter, kid.
I've been riding my whole life, all right? Look out.
[REVS ENGINE.]
Steering's jacked, man! The steering is jacked! Aah! [CRASH.]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
Yeah.
What's up? - You okay there, Superman? - Oh, yeah.
Absolutely.
Just a little scrape on the arm, that's all.
I'm talking about your eyes.
Your pupils are different sizes.
Ah, it's just the cop juices flowing, that's all.
You look a little concussion-y.
- Fired up.
- I can't believe he got away.
And he moved out of his apartment, so now we got nothing.
No.
I saw something on his shirt, okay.
He had I got You know what it said? It said “Staff.
” Oh, that's great.
Now we know he works somewhere on the planet.
There was an emblem be underneath.
It was like a, uh I'm telling you, it was a baseball or, like, a-a-a ball of yarn, or like, scoops scoops of ice cream.
Tomorrow, bright and early, let's meet up at that diner - What? Tomorrow? - Yeah.
No, no, no, no.
This is a one-day gig.
Oh, okay.
So Superman's a quitter? No, Superman's got a lot on his plate.
I gotta make banana bread Oh, Superman's gotta get bananas.
And eggs and yea You make yeast or do you, like - I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go.
- [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
- Do you buy yeast? - Where would you go to Where do you go to buy yeast? [GRUNTS.]
Oh, boy.
Hey, uh, Dad? There's somebody here to see you.
What? Who? Just come on.
All right.
What? - Ohh! There he is! - Guy! - What are you guys doing here? - We're here to watch the game.
Yeah, you never come to Enzo's anymore, - so we brought Enzo's to you.
[LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Along with a little message from Enzo himself “Profits are dipping.
Please come back soon.
” Uh, very sweet of you guys, but I I got a lotta things going on.
I can't I can't do it.
What are you cooking? Oh, this is a sports bra.
- [TONGS CLACK.]
- Sorry.
Actually, Dad, we can handle the laundry.
You No, I gotta make a banana bread.
I can't No, we already made it.
And by “we,” she means we.
All right, guess I'm watching the game.
- Yeah! [CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah.
I heard through the grapevine you did a gig with Cellucci.
Oh, yeah.
It was a [GRUNTS.]
it was an easy one.
One-day deal.
You know, just serving papers.
Should've been in and out, but, of course, Cellucci blew it.
[CHUCKLES.]
- She's usually pretty good.
- Yeah, not yesterday she wasn't.
Well, what happened to your arm? Oh.
I was, uh I was out raking leaves, and the, uh, the rake, it just got away from me.
A rake did that? Either way, it's good that you're gettin' back out there.
You know what? I gotta say, it was kind of fun.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little fuzzy on this rake thing.
- How does a rake hurt you there? - Just leave it alone, guy.
Guy, I'm just working it out through my head.
It doesn't add up.
Kyle, we're talking about how great it is that your brother, the widower, is getting back on his feet.
Okay, fine.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'll work it out on my own.
So, uh, you gonna do more gigs? I don't know.
I guess if Cellucci had something for me, I would do it, you know.
No, no.
Why wait for Cellucci? Go down there and get your own gigs.
Yeah, You're a 20-year vet.
You're still in good shape.
- GOODY: Yeah.
- [MOUTH FULL.]
That's true.
I mean Yeah, maybe I will.
Maybe I will.
- Yeah! There you go! - Great.
Okay, unless someone actually threw a rake at you It just doesn't add up.
- Guy! - Guy! Excuse me.
Is this, uh, Golden Phoenix Security? - Yes, it is.
- Oh.
Well, in that case, you got yourself a problem.
I don't work here.
[LAUGHS.]
Kevin Gable, Nassau Police, 20-year vet.
I just did a gig with you guys.
I worked with, uh, Vanessa Cellucci.
Oh.
You worked for Vanessa? No.
[LAUGHS.]
Not for.
With.
She's great gal, though.
Great gal.
She really is.
She's fantastic.
You know what it is? It's kind of like a level thing, though.
I'm, like, more Seal Team Six, you know? She's she's kinda like Seal Team Two, Two and a Half, in that area.
If she's even Seal Team.
You know, I'm not even sure about that.
She might be the guy on the aircraft carrier "with the the flashlights “Hey, park the plane over here”" [BOTH LAUGH.]
Anyway, here's my rezzy.
Enjoy that.
Great.
I'll, uh, give it to the owner.
Thank you.
That's that's very nice of you.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
What's up, girl? It's my company, dummy.
Greg's my I.
T.
guy.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Hey, thanks for the heads-up, Greggie.
I can't believe you.
I get you a job, and your first instinct is to throw me under the bus? I didn't throw you under the bus.
I was promoting myself by pointing out that I'm slightly better than you.
You are unbelievable.
Why are you hiding this from me? You don't tell me that you have your own company? Because your fat ego won't allow you to take the job.
What? I don't have an ego.
I have no problem working for you.
Oh, really? [DEEP VOICE.]
I'm Seal Team Six, and she's Seal Team Two.
[GRUNTING.]
Hey, nothing wrong with Seal Team Two.
Those kids work hard, okay? And by the way, don't try to turn this around on me.
You're the one who lied.
I didn't lie to you.
We are trying to help you.
“We”? No, I meant I-I meant me.
I was trying to help you get back out into the world.
“Out into the world”? That's what Kendra [SIGHS.]
Wait a second.
Kendra put you up to this? Okay, please don't be mad at her.
She was worried about you.
She wanted me to throw you a job just to get you going again.
Oh, so this is a-a pity job? No, not pity.
We just felt sorry for you.
That's the definition of “pity.
” You know what? I'm out of here, okay? And by the way, the name you chose? Golden Phoenix? Sounds like a Chinese restaurant.
- What? - Yeah.
Excuse me.
It's a bird rising up from the ashes into gold-ness.
Mmm.
I'm gettin' pork fried rice.
Oh.
Hey, Dad.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Kendra.
How are you? Oh, I'm pretty good.
I was thinking maybe tonight, uh, I don't know, all of us get together, maybe watch a movie or something after dinner? Yeah.
That sounds good.
What do you want to watch? Maybe that new one with Brad Pity.
What? Vanessa told me about your plan, okay? And let me tell you something.
I don't want anybody to pity me.
Oh.
Pity.
Brad Pity.
Wow.
That was a long walk around the block.
Effective walk.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay, so, Dad, what are you so upset about? Why would you go behind my back? Well, because.
You know, all you've done for the past year is take care of us.
Yeah.
It's been a tough year.
Yeah, I know, but we're okay, you know? And now you need to do something for yourself.
Mom would want you to go back to work and see your friends and shave.
You don't you don't like the - Nobody does.
- Oh.
That's 'cause it's not done.
Wait'll I go full ZZ Top on your ass.
It's gonna be here.
- GOODY: Oh, ho ho ho! - Ohh! Look who's back at Enzo's! - Oh, big changes, boys.
- Oh.
Looks like K.
G.
is gettin' back in the workforce.
- Yeah! - All right! Now that's what I'm talking about.
KEVIN: Mm-hmm.
"So I guess the old “rake injur”" cleared up? It's gettin' there.
So give us the details.
Who you working for? Well, here's where I drop the big bomb nobody.
That's right, you're looking at the founder and CEO of Gable Security.
[LAUGHS.]
"“Where In Security is a Good Thing”" How's insecurity a good thing? No, no, no, no, no.
Not “insecurity.
” It's “In” new word “Security.
” And you're in security.
You're getting, like, a hug, like, a muffin.
You know? Like, you're in it.
You're warm.
- I like it.
- Right? I That's why I love your fat face, Mott.
I love it.
I also like that you're startin' your own business.
- KEVIN: Right? - Yeah, man, just like Vanessa did.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I did I had this idea years ago, okay.
Vanessa stole it from me.
I don't know, man.
I mean, a lot of cops have that idea.
- I know I did.
- Me, too.
Me, too, and I'm a fireman.
Doesn't matter.
I'm gonna rocket past the competition, including Cellucci.
I'm gonna be like that ride at Funland that What was the one you threw up on, Mott? The Catapult.
Catapult! I'm gonna be like that catapult.
I'm gonna catapult p Wait a second.
That's it.
The Catapult That was the emblem on the guy's shirt.
What are we talking about? When Vanessa and I were trying to serve the guy papers, he had a catapult He must work at Funland.
I-I-I gotta go.
This this makes sense! I'll tell you what doesn't make sense that rake story.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- Hello? - Oh, hey, Vanessa.
Well, you'll never guess who just trapped himself an Anthony Baer.
- That's right.
Figured it out.
- You did? - Mm-hmm.
- So if you want to apologize, I'll let you know where he's at.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't need you to.
- I'm already here.
- No, you're not.
Uh, I can see you.
You're wearing a t-shirt with your IQ on it.
No.
No.
No, I'm not.
Okay, now you're looking around like a moron.
Wh Where where are you? Right behind you.
I knew you were there.
I just I was just setting you up.
It's cool, right? We got him.
So how'd you figure out he worked here? I was at Enzo's, and it hit me like a flash of insight.
You know how my brain's, like, always working and it can't be explained? You know, like when someone gets hit in the head with a baseball, and all of a sudden, “Hey, I can play the ukulele.
” You know, and they just crank it out? - That's how it happened.
- Oh.
Yeah, how'd you figure it out? Called his wife.
All right, not as flashy.
Got you here, though.
- What's with the getup? - Well, he knows what I look like.
You look like the Unabomber.
Okay, you can go.
- No.
- And I got this.
Kevin Gable doesn't just give up.
He finishes the job.
Hey, you know what? It's actually a good slogan for my new business.
- What are you talking about? - Oh, you didn't hear? I started a new security company.
Here's my, uh, business card.
Check it out.
Okay, this is a scrap of paper.
'Cause the real ones aren't in yet.
It's gonna take some time 'cause I'm gettin' Van Halen lettering.
“Gable Security.
"Where In Security is a Good Thing”" - Okay, what does that even mean? - No, no, no.
It's”Ln” new word “Security.
” Like you're in Like you're embraced in the arms of security.
- It's hugging you.
- Still don't get it.
Doesn't matter.
It's gonna be huge.
Thank you.
Okay.
Good luck with that.
And hey, you know what? I'm gonna do you a solid.
You need a location? You can have mine, and I will let the landlord know to hound you for the back rent.
- Back rent? - Yes.
That's what it's called when you can't pay the actual rent.
I didn't think you were doing that bad.
It's okay.
I'll work it out.
It's not easy to start a business at 39.
Shut up.
At least you're out there trying something new, you know? I've been living in a cocoon since Donna.
The kids just [SIGHS.]
keep trying to push me back out into the workforce.
But I gotta tell ya, I don't know if I'm I'm ready.
Look, you lost your wife.
It'd take anybody time to crawl out of that.
I guess.
All right, so what do you wanna do? Okay, how about this? When when you're getting strapped in, I'll come up behind and serve him the papers.
[MAN SCREAMING.]
You want me to get in the actual ride and do that? Um Yeah, I mean full disclosure, I had a bag of zeppolis, like, a little while ago, so I don't know if it's the smartest move.
But, uh, you know Hey, you know what we could do? What? Remember we were on patrol in the parking lot at Mulcahey's that night? Yes.
The guy who was trying to break into the convertible.
- And we did the thing with the - Yeah, we Let's do that.
- I love it.
- Do you like it? - Let's go.
- All right.
[SLURRING.]
I wanna go next.
Let me on this thing.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, another drunk one.
No.
I wanna get one da ride! Oh, I got this one.
Undercover park security.
I'll take her out.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Ma'am, you have to Come on.
- No, I'm totally - I'm gonna write up your report, son.
- Give me the name one more time.
- Anthony Baer.
Thank you.
Here ya go.
You've been served, Anthony.
Son of a Ha! Aah! We did it! Well, I hate to actually admit it, but we pulled it off.
- That was pretty good.
- Right? And how happy are you now? You don't have to get on that ride.
[LAUGHS.]
You were so scared.
I wasn't scared.
It's okay if you were.
You were the one who was scared.
You're scared of the whole business thing.
Okay, fine.
Can we just admit it that we're both scared a little bit of the the ride, life change? No.
I'm not admitting anything.
I'll prove it to you right now.
So how do you feel? I feel great.
As a matter of fact, if this line wasn't so long, I'd ride this thing twice.
Okay, well, I would ride it five times.
- I will ride it 116 times.
- Yeah.
And understand this I thrive in this environment.
- [WHOOSH.]
- [SCREAMING.]
[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY.]
Yeah.
[GRUNTS.]
Huh? Good.
Good? Aah! Aah! We're good, right? Fun! [LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHTER.]
I'm so glad you guys got the video.
How many times did you pass out? I didn't pass out.
I was so bored, I actually fell asleep.
You know, the physics of that are actually quite fascinating.
See, the surge of adrenaline Stop ruining it.
So? You guys are doing this? You're going into business together? We're thinking about it.
Yeah, nothing's been decided.
Our brains got pretty rocked on that thing.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, our vote is yes.
In fact, I'm gonna go open some wine so we can celebrate.
Please.
Hey.
I just I wanted to say thanks for doing all this.
But I'm still the dad, all right? I'm the one who's supposed to be taking care of all you kids.
No, I know, but that doesn't mean we can't look out for you sometimes.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Aw.
Thanks.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- See that? That I like seeing.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Okay Just walk me through this, and I swear I'll let it go.
Tell me what we're doing again.
Insurance fraud thing.
We just gotta get a shot of this old lady without her back brace on.
Oh! Just got a shot of her without anything on.
Oh, man.
I literally can't tell if that's her front or her Ba I can't look at this.
Ohh.
Yeah, okay, let's take a break.
Let's eat something.
-I can't I can't eat right now.
I-I have no appetite.
I gotta wait for this to clear.
Please, for a sec All right, I'm good.
You're good.
- [BAG RUSTLING.]
- You gotta be kidding me.
can you check Do you have mayo on yours? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
I supposed to have mayo on mine.
Sorry.
Deal with it.
What Can Can you just switch with me? I am not going through this with you every time.
I'm just asking you to take Was that so difficult? I don't think it was.
Okay?