Laid (2011) s02e02 Episode Script

1 He was fine.
We had sex.
Now he's not.
I'm gonna die.
Don't say that.
My marital status is still ambiguous.
I give up.
What? I thought you'd changed.
I thought you were different.
I wanna be Jesus.
His is name is Marcus Dwyer.
This Marcus also kills people with sex? No, no, no.
He heals people.
With his penis? Yet to meet a disease I can't handle.
I'm not giving your jaundiced boyfriend the treatment.
Well, what made you think I'd go through with it? I don't know.
I thought sick people were willing to try anything to get better.
Did you see the guy? He's just a bit prickly.
No, he's an absolute wanker.
He's sexist, he's homophobic, he's racist, he smells bad.
And he's not even my type.
Not that I have a type.
A male one.
I'm sorry.
I just thought that I don't know what I thought.
Don't trick me into doing stuff like that, OK? It's creepy.
It's like you're my pimp or something.
I wouldn't put it like that.
I wondered why you were so insistent I brush my teeth before we left.
How about we just focus on proven medical treatments for a while? Dr Miller sounded positive about that antibiotic.
It's just a trial.
Still, it sounded like it was worth exploring.
Oh, there you are! I came by before and you were out.
Roo took me out for some fresh air.
How nice Roo.
Jan.
Why didn't you tell me you were going back? It was kind of last minute.
And? You think he's a sham.
He is a sham.
I don't agree.
Sorry.
Look, I get it.
You want Charlie to be better and anything is up for consideration.
But are you sure you're not just grasping? So am I.
Then I'm here for you.
You know that.
Every step of the way.
That's good, because I've decided what the next step is going to be.
Should I get my notebook? I don't know if you'll like it.
I'm going to have sex with Marcus.
I'm going to fix me in order to fix Charlie.
I've been thinking about what you said.
I think I could be the new Jesus.
What made you change your mind? I thought you said it was too much hassle.
Oh, I dunno.
Ah, you know, there just comes a time in your life where you've gotta look at yourself and wonder, is there room for change, growth and stuff.
You've gotta ask yourself, is there room for me to be the new Jesus? And if the answers is yes, Zach, there is room, then you've gotta say yes.
Well, this is great.
I knew I was onto something.
OK, great.
Well then, let's go.
Where do I start with my new Jesus duties? Are you sure? I'm pretty sure he didn't wear Crocs.
He would've if he could've.
They make my ankles look fat.
Just get something more flowing to go with them.
Jeggings? Jeggings don't flow.
They cling.
I'm the second coming, aren't I? Pretty sure I can mix things up a bit.
Should I smite someone? I should smite someone.
You can't smite yet.
That's advanced.
I can smite.
I smite all the time.
I smote the barista this morning when he put one of those feathers in the froth.
Smote? Smoted? Smate? We need to buy a Bible.
We should probably buy two.
What if it doesn't work? Assuming Marcus has the gift, which we are, you don't know for sure that curing you will cure Charlie.
It's worth a shot.
What if you kill Marcus? That won't happen.
How come? Well, maybe he could heal himself, after.
Are you suggesting that after having sex with you, Marcus could have sex with himself? He looked quite supple.
No, I think it's a great idea.
When I first met him, I thought, this guy can go fuck himself.
Are you done? Come on.
Yes.
He's a healer.
He might be immune Your mind is a complete mystery to me sometimes.
It makes sense.
You're willing to risk Marcus's life to save Charlie.
Wow, I thought Zach had issues.
We don't know that I'll kill him.
We don't know that you won't.
So? No.
No, I won't kill Marcus if I have sex with him? Yes.
Why? Why why is he different? Apart from the whole healing groin thing.
Well, he's not.
Then I don't understand.
I can't sleep with him if there's any chance he'll die as a result.
I can't be reasonable for any more deaths.
You won't be.
I've had a word.
With no lesser authority, so I'm sorry, I don't Are you talking about spirit guides? No, no, no, Louise from the fourth floor.
Because of Marcus's remarkable abilities, he is completely safe from death, so you've no need to worry.
Unless it's about all those people you've killed.
In which case fair enough, too, because that would weigh heavily on one's subconscious.
So no-one is going to criticise you for staying awake at night and seeing these horrible, chalky, pallid faces floating towards you.
Thanks.
Loaves and fishes.
What are you doing? You're interrupting the synaptic flow.
Please tell me you're not trying to move that cupboard using mind powers.
Just the door.
Oh, Zach, I don't even have time What's wrong with exercising Jesus mind powers? It's Jedi mind powers, and you're not a Jedi.
Really? Then how come I knew you were going to say that? You know what? I'm not even just shhh! Zach, you're an idiot.
I want calm.
I want normality and to live in a house with a best friend who doesn't kill people and a fiancee Whoa! Did you see that? That blind just flapped.
There's no window open.
There was a definite flap.
You're a definite flap.
You have mail.
That doesn't count.
Is it possible for a guy to have sex with himself? Yes.
Good.
Those Ashtanga guys, they do it all the time.
What about normal guys? You'd have to lose a rib, probably the whole cage.
But it's possible to complete the entire act? Yes.
How sure are you? Very.
There are videos I could show you No, I don't want to see it.
I don't want any part of it.
What do you want to know for? It's useful information.
Who for? A friend.
Do I know them? No.
Charlie? No! Who then? No, hang on.
Marcus.
What? How how did you even know about Marcus? Jesus powers Bloody EJ! Wait, you're not going to go and If he's a sham or not, it's my decision.
What about Charlie? Who do you think I'm doing this for? There is never an excuse for cheating.
Did you really just say that? We were on a break.
Don't question the ninth commandment.
You should not bear false witness against your neighbour? I thought it was the, um anyway, it doesn't matter.
I'm not up to that bit.
Something to look forward to.
You cannot sleep with him.
Oh, for God's sake.
You can't.
I love you.
I suppose you want to ask me why I'm here.
It crossed my mind.
I could counter with why exactly you were hiding in the cupboard with the dirty laundry? Seems we're at an impasse then.
Not necessarily.
How much do you know about this Marcus chap? How much do you know about Don't be tiresome! He's a sex healer.
Supposedly.
You sound cynical.
I'm beyond cynical.
What is beyond cynical? Cynicaller? But Roo believes in him? If you know all this, why are you asking me? Because if there's a chance he is real, it's my business to know about it.
You're back.
Mother-daughter combo! Must be my birthday.
Age? Middle name? Francis.
Socio-economic background? Fair to middling.
Parents? Both dead.
No great loss.
Star sign? Leo.
How did you know? I'm a spiritualist.
It's my job.
Usually I'm the one who asks the questions.
You're on Aunty Jan's watch now, little boy.
Listen, I'm not gonna sit here and tolerate some sort of menopausal Spanish Inquisition.
Do you want the service or not? Absolutely.
Where do we start? Jan, what are you doing? Oh, we can either troop from door to door, interviewing people who may or may not know or want to talk about their experiences with Marcus, or we can jump in the deep end, see for ourselves.
We? Yeah.
I'm not doing it alone.
Are you out of your mind? You're my best friend's boyfriend's Mum.
I'm not having a three-way with you! I don't want you to participate! Thank God.
I want you to document it.
What? Move it or lose it, lady! I've gotta get to the bank! This is insanity.
This is living.
Now hold onto that, and write down anything unusual.
He's started.
Quickly! Would you stop making those noises? Well? You're going to have to say something eventually.
I don't want to.
Anything remarkable from an observer's perspective? There is no unseeing.
Oh, get over it.
I'm not sure I feel anything.
Why don't you think about what was wrong with you before and see if it's fixed.
What are you suggesting? What was your sickness that you wanted Marcus to cure? I don't get sick.
I'm a vegan.
Are you You don't perhaps think that you should have been properly sick, or something, before, in order to see if it worked? You don't have children of your own, do you? What has that got to do with anything? Because if you did, you wouldn't question a mother's devotion.
I will explore any and every medical curiosity there is if it helps to explain what is happening to my son.
Mmm, still nothing.
Pop your seatbelt on.
What's the point? It's only a twenty.
Consider your options, friend.
Do you have a name pinned onto you for someone I should call? You're not are you trying to mind meld me? Be on your way.
There's a good boy.
I command you to stop.
I'm not doing anything.
Bear with me.
I think I made a blind flap this morning.
So this is a hostage situation? I wouldn't put it that way.
The central locking is on.
Yes.
And I can't leave.
No.
What if I need to do a wee? No need for hostility.
I'm a very busy man.
Too busy.
Oh, so this is about some sister or girlfriend? I get this a lot.
What I do is purely medicinal highly pleasurable, but just a treatment like chiro, without the bone clicking.
With great powers comes great responsibility.
You know what I'm talking about.
Spiderman.
Having powers and the like.
Marcus? Hello? I perform one miracle.
One.
And now it's like, you know, I've got miracle block or something.
Now that's not going to impress anyone.
I bet Mary Magdalene waited for at least three miracles before she put out.
I'm not so sure.
Well, my girlfriend's pretty picky.
Are you speaking in tongues? Maybe.
I'm not sure.
Is that part of it? I never knew it was going to be so complicated.
I'm sorry to just turn up.
I was going to call first, but bloody Marion, she burst in saying if my harmonic chanting class doesn't stop in the next five minutes, she'll call the police.
I'm sure you and Marion will sort everything out.
She said if I came back she'd throw out my Five Guys Named Moe soundtrack.
She'll settle.
It's the original Broadway recording.
Either way, the couch is yours.
If I don't get some hard liquor in the next ten minutes, someone's going to pay.
Oh, scotch.
Nuh, not hard enough.
Why don't I have any heroin? There is much to master in your gift.
Use it.
Don't let it use you.
How long did it take you, you know, for the mastering bit? For me, not so long.
But someone like you, well, time isn't the important thing.
It's the end goal.
You are really smart.
Some say brilliant.
You wouldn't know from looking at you.
Some say that as well.
Before when I was using my powers on you, was there anything? Well there was definitely something kinetic going on.
Yes! Ahhh, I knew I was onto something! It just it feels really good, just to oh, I don't know, just to have someone that I can talk to about all this stuff.
I feel very confused sometimes.
I can imagine.
Like now.
I don't even know what I'm doing here.
What are you doing here? I came to stop you doing Roo.
Who? This has been awesome.
You are awesome.
We should do this again soon.
Don't call us, etcetera, etcetera.
Well, I'll just stop by, OK? We can commune.
Riff.
Hang out.
Play Angry Birds.
Hello? That's me, by the way.
Now you've got my number.
Hello? Bye, Marcus! Stay safe! Hi.
You.
I've I've been feeling poorly.
Busy day.
What are your symptoms? Oh, ah, vague nausea and um, I just feel like a bit of a brick.
A brick? Yeah.
Heavy.
Right, like irritable bowel? Yep.
So, we just go back to your cabin.
You take me to dinner first.
Why? From all reports, your service is usually pretty express.
I'm not a robot, especially when my blood sugars are low.
You don't look constipated.
Excuse me? Nausea, constipation, bloating.
Colleen! Fallen arches, 2009.
Another satisfied customer.
Really? It changed my life.
I didn't think I'd dance again, and here I am auditioning for Jersey Boys.
Wow! Are you? Next in line.
It is worth it.
Colleen, join us.
Despite, you know Bye, Colleen.
Just try keeping your eyes closed.
Feel free to make another appointment! First time business, second time pleasure! Did we order garlic bread? We did, didn't we? Ian! Where's my side order! And in 27 years of marriage, she still gets so angry.
Don't know what it is, really.
You will not believe the day that I have had.
Really? You wanna swap? I'm guessing mine trumps.
It was not believable.
I met Marcus.
Marcus? Wait I went to stop him sleeping with Roo.
Hey, she's gone to see him now.
And then we got chatting, and he was so smart.
I think it's that big forehead.
Phrenology is underrated Zach, speak to me.
What'd he say? I realised who am I to stop this? You know, Roo is sad.
Marcus is awesome.
Maybe all this is for the best.
So I gave him my blessing.
I told him he should go for it.
Phone's off.
Ah, do you want me to come? I think there's been enough parental involvement for one day.
Of course, of course, yes.
What? He can have sex, fall asleep, then wake up and he'd still be at it.
I reckon the Taiwanese conjoined twins were probably my career highlight.
Can we just get on with it, please? Well don't you want to know about my credentials? Not really.
You seemed more than curious the other day.
Well things change.
I don't like to be rushed.
Don't you want to know about my past? How I came to be who I am today? I was about 11 at the time.
I was a loner, even then.
It was hard to find others who appreciated a sophisticated mind and sophisticated tastes.
Little did I know that I had caught the eye of Nadia Curry, the biggest bully in the school.
And did she have some extra sensory perception about me and my pre-pubescent loins? Was it fate? Curiosity? Or just a cruel schoolyard dare? Who knows? Who cares? That day, biology wasn't the only lesson on the timetable.
Nadia was cured, and so began my brilliant career.
Eleven? Is that even legal? A true gift knows no age.
So now? I feel like karaoke.
£ And I was a simple man £ A poor common farmer £ I gave you six ribbons to tie back your hair £ £ Six ribbons to tie back your hair.
£ You want music? No.
Candles? Stop with the added extras.
Just can we do the treatment? You're the boss.
Might keep this on.
Put your hands above your head.
Both hands? Plural.
Now raise one leg.
Little bit higher.
Higher.
That's it.
Now hold it.
Can you arch your back a bit? No.
Comfortable? Not really.
Ready? Can I put my leg down? No.
I've got a confession to make.
You're a sham? No! Well what then? I've never said this to anyone before.
I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last woman alive.
What? Bit of a mood killer.
But then again so is lying and trying to neutralise someone's powers without their knowledge.
Neutralise? You really think I would risk everything just to tend to your poisoned chalice? Please.
You've known.
This whole time.
So the dinner, the karaoke Like pulling wings off a fly.
Sleeping with me won't kill you.
I checked.
Oh, how very generous of you.
So what's the problem then? I fix you, you fix me.
Well, guess what? I don't want to be fixed.
Why didn't you just say no? This charade is not very gentlemanly.
No, charades can be cruel, can't they? I'm glad we got this cheesecake to go.
Please say you didn't.