Lead Balloon (2006) s02e02 Episode Script
Hero
- Is he going to be OK? - He'll be fine.
I looked up, he was sitting on the ledge.
I thought, "He's going tojump.
" You did the right thing.
I can't have been the only one who saw, but I was the only person whoyeah.
Well, you saved a man's life.
He should be very grateful.
Mmm, well Don't mind me asking, have I seen you on telly? Yeah, probably, but that's neither here nor there - Oh, OK.
I understand, sir.
- Yeah.
I'm Rick Spleen The comedian.
Oh, yeah, that's it Only keep it to yourself, cos I don't want it being splashed all over the papers.
Oh, that won't happen.
All it would take would be a call to, say, The Sun, or ctam Girls They'd probably send you quite a big cheque for a story like that.
I won't even put your name in the report.
Well, you probably should.
Just so that it's on record that I saved a man's life.
Ijust don't want it getting in the press.
It'suhSpleen.
With an "N".
Not, not Spleem.
- Oh, right - Why would it be Spleem? SpleenRick.
Unbelievable.
Not a mention of it.
Nothing.
Are you going to buy all the papers every day? Well, you'd think by now Maybe with everything else going on in the world it's not such a big story.
I saved someone's life and I've been on television.
How is that not a big story? - I'm just saying - You know what it is? - It's cos it's good news.
- You're probably right.
If I killed someone, I bet they'd print that.
Well, yes, they would.
But then that WOULD be a big story.
You'd think a gossip column would pick it up.
- It's not really gossip, is it? - Of course it is.
Just because it's not about sex It's not what people gossip about.
- Bloody policeman.
- What? Hi, Magda.
How are you? Am well, thank you.
So, you are in paper.
Yeah? Oh, The Gazette.
"Local man saved by N hero.
" Well, at least they got their facts right.
There you go Still, you'd think they'd make it top story.
Is anyone really interested in this bypass? The people whose homes are being demolished Why man want to throw himself off bridge? He was just very unhappy.
Many people in my country want to do this because they are so unhappy.
- We have name for them - Tourists? Still, I'm thinking must be very unhappy to want to kill yourself.
Mmm.
Interesting theoy.
Cannot imagine being this unhappy.
Yeah, but then not everyone has your sunny disposition.
See this was in the paper? Oh, yeah.
You think they're going to go with this bypass? Yeah, yeah.
The thing about me saving the man's life.
Oh, yeah.
Well, read it.
I know what happened.
You told me 20 times.
Yeah, but you might like to see it from their angle.
It's embarrassing.
Making me out to be some kind of hero.
So annoying how they get these stories.
I cannot imagine where they got it from.
It's easy for you to be cynical.
I looked into that man's eyes.
I saw his humanity.
You don't know how I feel, you've never saved a man's life.
- I know.
It changes you.
- It does.
It's humbling to realise that people look up to me - not for being a comedian, I'm used to that, but well, yeah, for my compassion.
It must be amazing, being you.
I'm just saying, an experience like that changes your life.
How? Tell me one thing that it's changed.
The Gazette want me to write a piece about why I live in the area.
That could be taken both ways.
No.
Shops I go to, restaurants I eat at Which lakes you walk on where you go to raise the dead Why should I come up with opinions for you? They want to know where you shop.
Yeah, but they want it to be funny.
Obviously, I can make it funny, but it might be as well to have you to bounce it off.
Well done.
Sorry? The chap on the bridge.
I read about it in the Gazette.
- Local hero.
- It's just one of those things.
- You did the right thing.
- He's lucky I saw him.
Yes, or anyone.
Well, I don't know about that, actually.
Few more minutes and he would have done it.
- Oh, I don't think so.
- 'Scuse me? Gazette said he'd been there an hour.
How does that If anyone's really going to do it, they go in the first five minutes.
Beyond that, the other issues start to complicate things, all the doubts and fears start to creep in, and before you know it, the resolve is gone.
How d'you know all that? Ohjust something I read.
Anyway, whatcha writing? Oh, Rick's been asked to do a column, in the Gazette, of his favourite haunts in the area.
You know.
Where I shop and Say no more I know where this is leading.
Oh, well No, no, don't spoil it.
I'll wait till I read it.
I'lljust get you a couple of coffees.
On the house.
Not that I'm giving you special treatment.
Just all part of the relaxed ambience that customers can expect to enjoy.
Complimentay coffee.
A few tips on how to top yourself.
So come on, then.
What's this good news? - Guess what happened? - You saved another life? - No.
Better than that.
- You'll have to tell me.
I was at the shop, I hear someone say "Rick".
- Who do you reckon it was? - The man from the bridge? What? No.
Forget about him.
Tony Briggs.
Tony Briggs? Head of drama at ITV.
Oh.
Right.
I didn't realise he lived round here.
Well, he does.
He came over and started chatting.
Had you met him before, then? A couple of years ago at that charity thing.
He'd seen the piece about me in the newspaper, you know, the suicide thing.
He asked me what I was up to at the moment.
He said he really liked my stuff.
You see? Random acts of kindness.
Exactly.
Anyway, one thing led to another and I invited him and his wife over to dinner.
This Sunday, if that's OK? Well, yeah.
It's quite short notice.
Don't worry, it's all taken care of.
- I rang Carlotto's.
- Where? The Italian restaurant where I took you for your birthday.
Oh, yeahwhere your credit card didn't work.
YeahI'm aware I still owe you for that one Anyway, they'll make something, I'm going to pick it up, get some nice wine.
It'll be great.
OK.
So, what's he like? Tony? He's a really nice guy.
They're a lovely couple - You've met his wife, then? - No.
But she's bound to be nice.
He's head of drama at ITV.
This puts me in a different league.
- He's just coming for dinner.
- What you're missing is I said I had a project I wanted to talk about and he said, "Fine, let's talk".
OK, good.
I'm pleased for you.
- And have you? - What? Got a project that you want to talk about? Well, no, but I will by Sunday.
- Is it the piece for the Gazette? - Yep.
Read what I put about Michael's cafe.
"Great food and a welcoming atmosphere.
" What if people see this and go there? You could be sued.
Ah, you've got to share your success, Marty.
Guess who I bumped into yesterday after you left? Guess.
The guy who tried to kill himself.
No.
God, why does everyone keep banging on about him? I bumped into Tony Briggs.
Who? You don't know who Tony Briggs is? How do you expect to get on in this business if you don't mix with people? He's the head of drama at ITV.
Anyway, we started talking, and I said I had a project he might be interested in and, er - he's coming over for dinner.
- You invited him to dinner? - Yeah.
Why not? - You don't even know him.
Oh, dear.
Little bit ofjealousy, I think Ijust thought you had more class than to go ass-kissing some suit This isn't arse-kissing.
This is building a rapport with someone who is interested in my work.
Sure.
- So what's this project? - I don't know.
Anything, it's ITV.
- But like what? - A cop show A cop show? Yeah.
But with a twist.
They all have a twist.
They've done every twist.
A cop show without a twist is the only twist left.
(DOORBELL RITVGS) If you've got a better idea, let's talk about it.
Maybe over dinner.
Oh, hi.
It's Clive.
From across the way.
- I'm Doris's son.
- Yeah.
I remember.
Sorry to bother you, but, actually, I'm getting together a petition to send to the council OK.
Right.
Thanks.
Sorry, can Ijust tell you a little bit about it? Yes.
OK.
It's the alleyway at the back of my mum's house.
We've had an increasing number of incidents, vandalism, graffiti Oh, dear .
.
youths gathering, shouting, swearing, you know Oh Last week she had an old car tyre - thrown over her fence.
- Did she? Yeah, she was pretty upset about it, as you can imagine.
So I thought, something has to be done.
Well, it is pretty dark down there, that kind of thing will happen.
That's why we bought on THIS side of the street.
Well, she's lived there for 50 years.
Still Anyway, if you sign it and send it in, it would be much appreciated.
Yeah, OK.
How are things with you, then? Keeping busy? Yes, fine I keep expecting to see you on that ballroom dancing show.
Yeah, I don't actually do that kind of thing.
I've actually got a major ITV drama series coming up.
Oh, what's that called, then? That's something I can't tell you just yet, but Look, I'd better go.
Don't forget to tell us when it's on! That's his twist.
He's a cop, with a passion for ballroom dancing.
Nobody's ever done that.
Oh, do shut up.
Why did you tell Sam she could go out on Sunday night? - Is that what she said? - Yeah.
- Incredible.
- Well, did you? Yeah, but it didn't happen exactly like that.
I wish you'd put your foot down.
What is this? Indications Of Jazz I like a bit of jazz.
Maybe play it when Tony Briggs is here? Yeah, might do.
Cigars as well? Well, I thought me and Tony might want to have a cigar afterwards.
You hate cigars.
Last one you had was that New Year's Eve.
You ended up projectile vomiting into my parents' hedge.
Obviously I know not to inhale now.
There are some missing.
Have you been practising? No.
Ijust took a few out.
I didn't want it to look like I went out specially.
Mmmm.
What if Tony doesn't like cigars? That's even better.
I'll put them back, get a refund.
You really are taking this seriously, aren't you? Well, yes.
You're in the business, you know how it works.
This is how deals are done.
The conversation comes round to my career, you know - "Really loved that last series, Rick, "can't understand why it was taken off after four episodes.
" "Oh, thanks, yeah, it was a bit of a strange decision.
" "Well, we've been watching you at ITV "and feel you're ready for something big.
" "Would you like to come outside and throw up into a hedge?" OK, 2 hours, 180, and then turn it down a bit for the last half hour? That's great.
I'll be along this afternoon to pick it up.
Yeah No, there won't be a problem with that.
Well, all right, I'll pay cash then.
Yeah, OK, I'll see you later.
What are you doing here? It's a Sunday.
But I said to Mel I would tidy up for the friends coming.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
Actually, notjust a friend, it's Tony Briggs, - we're in the same business and ct He is also clown? Comedian.
No, he's more on the drama side of things.
- Yes.
- He's head of drama at ITV.
He's a very important man.
- And he is coming here?! - Yes.
Yes! What is that? It's a traditional dish from my country that I make for you to have with the friends.
Oh, that's very kind.
- It's all taken care of - You just put it in oven - What I mean is - It's made with potato.
I dare say At holidays at home, we have it with boiled fish.
Sounds fun.
I'll Thanks I'll I'll put it in the fridge.
Just one hour in oven.
Yeah.
OK, fine.
Now I must get on with hoovering, or I will still be here when man comes.
We don't want that, do we? Right We were going to head off now, Dad.
Yeah, OK.
Have a nice time.
Oh, thanks.
You were going to, um Oh, yeah, I was going to give you some money.
Yeah, brilliant, thank you.
- Smells nice - Mmm, yeah.
What is it, Dad? - Smells like lasagne - Don't do that.
- It is lasagne.
- Ben, leave it.
- Some sort of meat.
- You'll ruin it.
- Just ty a little - Ben! Sorry.
It's cool.
- What did we say, 50? - Yeah.
I've only got 20s, have you got any change? No, 'fraid not.
Well, take that anyway.
Brilliant, thank you.
Yeah.
Off you go, then.
Oh, yeah, right.
Um Um, Mum's saying I have to be back by 1 1 cos of exams tomorrow.
- One-ish is fine.
- Really? - Great, thanks.
- Wow, super.
You'd better go, don't want to miss the bus We're not going to get the bus.
Yeah, but go anyway, in case something else happens.
Yeah, Ijust thought it'd be nice to meet up outside the work context, get away from all the craziness - You look nice! - So do you! Nice shirt.
Haven't seen that before.
Not too nice? Doesn't look like I'm trying too hard? No.
You're fine.
This looks good.
That's to have with the starter It's vintage.
Cost a fortune OK, well, if I'm not good enough, am I allowed some white wine? Sure.
Yeah, that's what I fancy.
This is nice - 7.
3O.
What time did you say to them? - 7.
3O.
But he won't be bang on, I mean It's a bit naff to be on time.
It's not naff, I think it's polite.
Otherwise (DOORBELL RITVGS) I suppose I suppose it is polite, yeah - No, no, no, you stay here.
ct What? We don't want to look like a welcoming committee.
This is something we do all the time, mmm? Act normal! I am acting normal.
- Tony! - Rick.
Come in, glad you could make it.
- I've been looking forward to it.
- We've got a lot to talk about.
Rick, this is Sheryl.
Sheryl, meet the man himself, Rick Spleen.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Vey kind of you to invite us.
Vey kind of you to come! Yeah Come on through, let me get you a drink.
Sounds good to me.
Yeah, Ijust thought it'd be nice to meet up outside of the work context, get away from all the craziness.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Got to find time to socialise, busy people like us.
He's rushed off his feet.
I hardly see him.
That's what Mel says about me.
"Oh, you're always working.
"Always coming up with ideas" Actually, where is Mel? Mel, come and say hello! Come on! Tony, what can I get you? Gin and tonic? - Glass of wine? - Could murder a beer.
Yeah, I fany a beer.
Um What would you like? I'm driving.
Could I have an orangejuice - with a splash of lemonade, please? - Mel, this is Tony! Long time Hello, Tony! - I see you two have met.
- Funny man, your husband.
(THEY MUGH) Yeah I can do serious as well.
I'll go and get those drinks.
Mel, this is Sheryl.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Hello.
So how is everything? What are you doing?! Go and keep him company! He's great! - What an interesting bloke - Rick I didn't know you knew him.
You kept that quiet! Of course I know him.
Why didn't you tell me? It's even better.
Because that is not Tony Briggs.
That is Tony WELMND.
Tony the builder? Who did our roof four years ago.
It can't be.
It is.
But He said he liked my stuff Yes, but that doesn't stop him being Tony the builder.
(SHE GIGGLES) You idiot! Well, you'd better get them their drinks.
(JAZZ MUSIC PMYS) Oh, it's been great.
It's so much warmer upstairs.
Right, here we go.
Thanks, Rick.
Ooh, lovely.
- Tony.
- Cheers, mate.
Sorry.
I'lljustget rid of that.
Ooh! I was enjoying that.
- Switch it back on.
- Really? OK.
- Who is this? - Oh, it's just some jazz.
Vey nice, isn't it? We must buy some jazz.
We don't really listen to it, do we, Tony? No, no.
'Fraid I'm a Radio One man myself.
You know, especially when I'm working.
Mmm.
On the building sites.
- Yeah.
- Whenever I drop in on Tone, they've always got the radio blaring away.
I don't know how they hear themselves think! Shouldn't imagine that's much of a Rick? Um Are you gonna to stand there all night? Come and join us.
(HE SIGHS) Oh, I'll tell you what I left in the car.
The wine I left the wine.
- Ow.
- Be nice.
I am.
I gave them a drink Be nicer.
You are such a snob.
Well, what's he doing here? - You invited him! - He's got a bloody nerve.
It's not his fault.
Why couldn't hejust admit that he's a builder? What was he supposed to say? "We'd love to come to dinner.
"You do realise I'm not the head of drama at ITV"? Nobut itjust makes you sick.
The only reason he's come round here is to get some work from me.
What are you doing? I might as well stick this in the microwave and give it to them.
- What is it? - Good question.
Magda made it.
You're not giving them that.
Why not? He'd probably like it.
It looks like it's come out of a builder's bucket.
Look who I found, tying to get in (THEY MUGH) A humble offering.
Oh, that's very kind, thank you.
Come on through.
I'll open it, we'll have it with the starters.
Oh, it might need chilling, actually.
Feels about right to me.
- Where's the champagne? - Champagne?! Oh Oh.
Yeah, I think it might be It's here.
Shall we sit down? Yeah Someone has gone to a lot of trouble! Yep.
I'd have to say Handyman Harrison.
No You work with Handyman Harrison? - Yeah.
- I love that programme.
Have you met him, Rick? - Yeah.
Several times.
- He's a really sweet man.
And you know Stella Darrell as well? She was one of my first clients, actually.
I thought she was great in that Fat Club thing.
Didn't lose any weight though, did she? Would you ever go on something like that, Rick? Not that you need to, obviously.
(THEY MUGH DRUNKENLY) What about you, though? Saving that man off that bridge.
You're quite famous in the area now.
- Would anyone like a coffee? - Not for me, thanks.
I'm fine, Mel.
Well, I must say it's - I'd love a cup of tea, though.
- Great.
Tony? Well, if you're putting on the kettle, I'll go with Tell you what, Rick.
I couldn't help noticing that you are a cigar man.
Oh, not really That rather fine-looking box of Havanas in the lounge.
- Yeah, they belong to - I'll go and get them.
Thanks, Mel.
Ah.
She's lovely, Mel, isn't she? Yeah God bless you, sir.
Sheryl? Brandy? Malt? Oh, go on, then.
Which? Brandy or malt? You choose.
There you go.
I'lljust go and dig out an ashtray.
Ooh.
You do know your cigars.
Now, you You are gonnajoin me, aren't you, Rick? Yes, yeah.
You go ahead.
(HE SIGHS) Thank you.
Now thatis a long, slow smoke.
Oh well, you can always finish it on the way home.
(HE MUGHS) (HE MUGHS LOUDLY) You are a funny man.
Is he always like this? - More often than not.
- Now Down to business What's thisproject that you wanted to talk to me about? Oh, that.
No, I was just thinking of asking you to put up some shelves, but I'll probably do it myself.
Mel You should get Handyman Harrison to do it.
(THEY MUGH) (HE MUGHS FALSELY) No, come on, Rick.
You didn't go to all this trouble just to talk to me about putting up shelves.
No.
You're right.
I didn't.
(SHE GIGGLES) - Well, I'm glad you're laughing.
- No, I was just thinking If someone asks how was your evening, you can say, "It was very constructive".
Mmm? Yup, very funny.
I mean, why did you have to say we wanted a conservatoy? Because I do.
I've always wanted a conservatoy.
- You know he thinks you're serious.
- I am.
Anyway, I was just helping you out.
Yeah, I didn't need any help.
- You were floundering.
- No, I wasn't.
Yes.
Floundering.
When he asked about your project, you didn't know what to say, so I helped you.
Eight grand, he said! Cos for some reason, you didn't want to talk about your cop show.
It wasn'tjust a cop show.
(SHE IMnmES A GUN SHOT) Oh, God What are we gonna do with this? Eat it? God, you are pissed.
Put it in the bin, wash it up and say it was lovely.
I can't.
Magda'll see it.
And if she doesn't, she'll see the dead rats lying around it.
Well, we'lljust have to eat it, then No, it's OK.
I'll deal with it.
(SHE IMnmES A GUN SHOT) So how wasevening? Yeah, it was very constr It was interesting, nice.
And How was food? Yeah, I was gonna say.
The potato thing, it was delicious.
Mmm.
Thank you.
Eveyone loved it.
I will make for you again.
Well, like you say, it's for special occasions.
Should really stay that way.
Thing is, you know that that dish it came in? Yes.
Quite funny, really, cos was that made in your country or over here? I don't know, I buy it here.
Yeah, it could have been an import.
No, cos the thing is, um I put it in the dishwasher and it broke.
Hmm.
Where is other half? I will mend.
You know what? That's what's really weird.
The other half just shattered into tiny pieces, it's quite dangerous, really.
Obviously, I'll replace it.
You know, buy you a proper one that doesn't break so easily.
- Hey, how you doing? - Yeah.
Oh, before you start.
I might as well tell you the truth.
Tony Briggs had to cancel sowe invited someone else.
Oh.
OK.
Seen the Gazette? They've printed my column? Michael will be pleased.
I think they might sit on that for a couple of weeks.
It's more about the suicide thing.
Still going on about that? Rick Spleen did this, Rick Spleen did that I suppose it was pretty amazing - More about the guy you saved.
- Really? God, he's getting more out of this than I am.
I wouldn't say that, exactly Oh, great(!) The guy was a paedophile! Just my bloody luck.
I KNEW there was something dodgy about him.
I could see it in his eyes.
Why d'you save him, then? What am I supposed to do? Interview him? God, it makes you sick.
You do a good deed, and because of him and what he's done, I've been made to look bad He should be ashamed of himself.
He was trying to commit suicide.
Well, I wish he bloody had done.
(DOORBELL RITVGS) That's the last time I help anyone.
Why can't they wear badges or something? Is Rick in? Oh, hi, Rick.
Sorry to bother you again.
It's not a good time Did you look at that petition? - Yes, I did.
It's all sent off.
- Oh, thanks ever so much.
Only, things have taken a turn for the worse, I'm afraid Oh, really? Yeah.
Look.
- Oh, no - I know.
Thrown over the garden wall last night.
I found it there this morning, lying in what I can only describe as a pile of congealed vomit.
It won't be that.
I'm sure it was probably something quite nice.
I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain If I know where I'm going I don't know from where I came Where are we gonna be In summertime
I looked up, he was sitting on the ledge.
I thought, "He's going tojump.
" You did the right thing.
I can't have been the only one who saw, but I was the only person whoyeah.
Well, you saved a man's life.
He should be very grateful.
Mmm, well Don't mind me asking, have I seen you on telly? Yeah, probably, but that's neither here nor there - Oh, OK.
I understand, sir.
- Yeah.
I'm Rick Spleen The comedian.
Oh, yeah, that's it Only keep it to yourself, cos I don't want it being splashed all over the papers.
Oh, that won't happen.
All it would take would be a call to, say, The Sun, or ctam Girls They'd probably send you quite a big cheque for a story like that.
I won't even put your name in the report.
Well, you probably should.
Just so that it's on record that I saved a man's life.
Ijust don't want it getting in the press.
It'suhSpleen.
With an "N".
Not, not Spleem.
- Oh, right - Why would it be Spleem? SpleenRick.
Unbelievable.
Not a mention of it.
Nothing.
Are you going to buy all the papers every day? Well, you'd think by now Maybe with everything else going on in the world it's not such a big story.
I saved someone's life and I've been on television.
How is that not a big story? - I'm just saying - You know what it is? - It's cos it's good news.
- You're probably right.
If I killed someone, I bet they'd print that.
Well, yes, they would.
But then that WOULD be a big story.
You'd think a gossip column would pick it up.
- It's not really gossip, is it? - Of course it is.
Just because it's not about sex It's not what people gossip about.
- Bloody policeman.
- What? Hi, Magda.
How are you? Am well, thank you.
So, you are in paper.
Yeah? Oh, The Gazette.
"Local man saved by N hero.
" Well, at least they got their facts right.
There you go Still, you'd think they'd make it top story.
Is anyone really interested in this bypass? The people whose homes are being demolished Why man want to throw himself off bridge? He was just very unhappy.
Many people in my country want to do this because they are so unhappy.
- We have name for them - Tourists? Still, I'm thinking must be very unhappy to want to kill yourself.
Mmm.
Interesting theoy.
Cannot imagine being this unhappy.
Yeah, but then not everyone has your sunny disposition.
See this was in the paper? Oh, yeah.
You think they're going to go with this bypass? Yeah, yeah.
The thing about me saving the man's life.
Oh, yeah.
Well, read it.
I know what happened.
You told me 20 times.
Yeah, but you might like to see it from their angle.
It's embarrassing.
Making me out to be some kind of hero.
So annoying how they get these stories.
I cannot imagine where they got it from.
It's easy for you to be cynical.
I looked into that man's eyes.
I saw his humanity.
You don't know how I feel, you've never saved a man's life.
- I know.
It changes you.
- It does.
It's humbling to realise that people look up to me - not for being a comedian, I'm used to that, but well, yeah, for my compassion.
It must be amazing, being you.
I'm just saying, an experience like that changes your life.
How? Tell me one thing that it's changed.
The Gazette want me to write a piece about why I live in the area.
That could be taken both ways.
No.
Shops I go to, restaurants I eat at Which lakes you walk on where you go to raise the dead Why should I come up with opinions for you? They want to know where you shop.
Yeah, but they want it to be funny.
Obviously, I can make it funny, but it might be as well to have you to bounce it off.
Well done.
Sorry? The chap on the bridge.
I read about it in the Gazette.
- Local hero.
- It's just one of those things.
- You did the right thing.
- He's lucky I saw him.
Yes, or anyone.
Well, I don't know about that, actually.
Few more minutes and he would have done it.
- Oh, I don't think so.
- 'Scuse me? Gazette said he'd been there an hour.
How does that If anyone's really going to do it, they go in the first five minutes.
Beyond that, the other issues start to complicate things, all the doubts and fears start to creep in, and before you know it, the resolve is gone.
How d'you know all that? Ohjust something I read.
Anyway, whatcha writing? Oh, Rick's been asked to do a column, in the Gazette, of his favourite haunts in the area.
You know.
Where I shop and Say no more I know where this is leading.
Oh, well No, no, don't spoil it.
I'll wait till I read it.
I'lljust get you a couple of coffees.
On the house.
Not that I'm giving you special treatment.
Just all part of the relaxed ambience that customers can expect to enjoy.
Complimentay coffee.
A few tips on how to top yourself.
So come on, then.
What's this good news? - Guess what happened? - You saved another life? - No.
Better than that.
- You'll have to tell me.
I was at the shop, I hear someone say "Rick".
- Who do you reckon it was? - The man from the bridge? What? No.
Forget about him.
Tony Briggs.
Tony Briggs? Head of drama at ITV.
Oh.
Right.
I didn't realise he lived round here.
Well, he does.
He came over and started chatting.
Had you met him before, then? A couple of years ago at that charity thing.
He'd seen the piece about me in the newspaper, you know, the suicide thing.
He asked me what I was up to at the moment.
He said he really liked my stuff.
You see? Random acts of kindness.
Exactly.
Anyway, one thing led to another and I invited him and his wife over to dinner.
This Sunday, if that's OK? Well, yeah.
It's quite short notice.
Don't worry, it's all taken care of.
- I rang Carlotto's.
- Where? The Italian restaurant where I took you for your birthday.
Oh, yeahwhere your credit card didn't work.
YeahI'm aware I still owe you for that one Anyway, they'll make something, I'm going to pick it up, get some nice wine.
It'll be great.
OK.
So, what's he like? Tony? He's a really nice guy.
They're a lovely couple - You've met his wife, then? - No.
But she's bound to be nice.
He's head of drama at ITV.
This puts me in a different league.
- He's just coming for dinner.
- What you're missing is I said I had a project I wanted to talk about and he said, "Fine, let's talk".
OK, good.
I'm pleased for you.
- And have you? - What? Got a project that you want to talk about? Well, no, but I will by Sunday.
- Is it the piece for the Gazette? - Yep.
Read what I put about Michael's cafe.
"Great food and a welcoming atmosphere.
" What if people see this and go there? You could be sued.
Ah, you've got to share your success, Marty.
Guess who I bumped into yesterday after you left? Guess.
The guy who tried to kill himself.
No.
God, why does everyone keep banging on about him? I bumped into Tony Briggs.
Who? You don't know who Tony Briggs is? How do you expect to get on in this business if you don't mix with people? He's the head of drama at ITV.
Anyway, we started talking, and I said I had a project he might be interested in and, er - he's coming over for dinner.
- You invited him to dinner? - Yeah.
Why not? - You don't even know him.
Oh, dear.
Little bit ofjealousy, I think Ijust thought you had more class than to go ass-kissing some suit This isn't arse-kissing.
This is building a rapport with someone who is interested in my work.
Sure.
- So what's this project? - I don't know.
Anything, it's ITV.
- But like what? - A cop show A cop show? Yeah.
But with a twist.
They all have a twist.
They've done every twist.
A cop show without a twist is the only twist left.
(DOORBELL RITVGS) If you've got a better idea, let's talk about it.
Maybe over dinner.
Oh, hi.
It's Clive.
From across the way.
- I'm Doris's son.
- Yeah.
I remember.
Sorry to bother you, but, actually, I'm getting together a petition to send to the council OK.
Right.
Thanks.
Sorry, can Ijust tell you a little bit about it? Yes.
OK.
It's the alleyway at the back of my mum's house.
We've had an increasing number of incidents, vandalism, graffiti Oh, dear .
.
youths gathering, shouting, swearing, you know Oh Last week she had an old car tyre - thrown over her fence.
- Did she? Yeah, she was pretty upset about it, as you can imagine.
So I thought, something has to be done.
Well, it is pretty dark down there, that kind of thing will happen.
That's why we bought on THIS side of the street.
Well, she's lived there for 50 years.
Still Anyway, if you sign it and send it in, it would be much appreciated.
Yeah, OK.
How are things with you, then? Keeping busy? Yes, fine I keep expecting to see you on that ballroom dancing show.
Yeah, I don't actually do that kind of thing.
I've actually got a major ITV drama series coming up.
Oh, what's that called, then? That's something I can't tell you just yet, but Look, I'd better go.
Don't forget to tell us when it's on! That's his twist.
He's a cop, with a passion for ballroom dancing.
Nobody's ever done that.
Oh, do shut up.
Why did you tell Sam she could go out on Sunday night? - Is that what she said? - Yeah.
- Incredible.
- Well, did you? Yeah, but it didn't happen exactly like that.
I wish you'd put your foot down.
What is this? Indications Of Jazz I like a bit of jazz.
Maybe play it when Tony Briggs is here? Yeah, might do.
Cigars as well? Well, I thought me and Tony might want to have a cigar afterwards.
You hate cigars.
Last one you had was that New Year's Eve.
You ended up projectile vomiting into my parents' hedge.
Obviously I know not to inhale now.
There are some missing.
Have you been practising? No.
Ijust took a few out.
I didn't want it to look like I went out specially.
Mmmm.
What if Tony doesn't like cigars? That's even better.
I'll put them back, get a refund.
You really are taking this seriously, aren't you? Well, yes.
You're in the business, you know how it works.
This is how deals are done.
The conversation comes round to my career, you know - "Really loved that last series, Rick, "can't understand why it was taken off after four episodes.
" "Oh, thanks, yeah, it was a bit of a strange decision.
" "Well, we've been watching you at ITV "and feel you're ready for something big.
" "Would you like to come outside and throw up into a hedge?" OK, 2 hours, 180, and then turn it down a bit for the last half hour? That's great.
I'll be along this afternoon to pick it up.
Yeah No, there won't be a problem with that.
Well, all right, I'll pay cash then.
Yeah, OK, I'll see you later.
What are you doing here? It's a Sunday.
But I said to Mel I would tidy up for the friends coming.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
Actually, notjust a friend, it's Tony Briggs, - we're in the same business and ct He is also clown? Comedian.
No, he's more on the drama side of things.
- Yes.
- He's head of drama at ITV.
He's a very important man.
- And he is coming here?! - Yes.
Yes! What is that? It's a traditional dish from my country that I make for you to have with the friends.
Oh, that's very kind.
- It's all taken care of - You just put it in oven - What I mean is - It's made with potato.
I dare say At holidays at home, we have it with boiled fish.
Sounds fun.
I'll Thanks I'll I'll put it in the fridge.
Just one hour in oven.
Yeah.
OK, fine.
Now I must get on with hoovering, or I will still be here when man comes.
We don't want that, do we? Right We were going to head off now, Dad.
Yeah, OK.
Have a nice time.
Oh, thanks.
You were going to, um Oh, yeah, I was going to give you some money.
Yeah, brilliant, thank you.
- Smells nice - Mmm, yeah.
What is it, Dad? - Smells like lasagne - Don't do that.
- It is lasagne.
- Ben, leave it.
- Some sort of meat.
- You'll ruin it.
- Just ty a little - Ben! Sorry.
It's cool.
- What did we say, 50? - Yeah.
I've only got 20s, have you got any change? No, 'fraid not.
Well, take that anyway.
Brilliant, thank you.
Yeah.
Off you go, then.
Oh, yeah, right.
Um Um, Mum's saying I have to be back by 1 1 cos of exams tomorrow.
- One-ish is fine.
- Really? - Great, thanks.
- Wow, super.
You'd better go, don't want to miss the bus We're not going to get the bus.
Yeah, but go anyway, in case something else happens.
Yeah, Ijust thought it'd be nice to meet up outside the work context, get away from all the craziness - You look nice! - So do you! Nice shirt.
Haven't seen that before.
Not too nice? Doesn't look like I'm trying too hard? No.
You're fine.
This looks good.
That's to have with the starter It's vintage.
Cost a fortune OK, well, if I'm not good enough, am I allowed some white wine? Sure.
Yeah, that's what I fancy.
This is nice - 7.
3O.
What time did you say to them? - 7.
3O.
But he won't be bang on, I mean It's a bit naff to be on time.
It's not naff, I think it's polite.
Otherwise (DOORBELL RITVGS) I suppose I suppose it is polite, yeah - No, no, no, you stay here.
ct What? We don't want to look like a welcoming committee.
This is something we do all the time, mmm? Act normal! I am acting normal.
- Tony! - Rick.
Come in, glad you could make it.
- I've been looking forward to it.
- We've got a lot to talk about.
Rick, this is Sheryl.
Sheryl, meet the man himself, Rick Spleen.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Vey kind of you to invite us.
Vey kind of you to come! Yeah Come on through, let me get you a drink.
Sounds good to me.
Yeah, Ijust thought it'd be nice to meet up outside of the work context, get away from all the craziness.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Got to find time to socialise, busy people like us.
He's rushed off his feet.
I hardly see him.
That's what Mel says about me.
"Oh, you're always working.
"Always coming up with ideas" Actually, where is Mel? Mel, come and say hello! Come on! Tony, what can I get you? Gin and tonic? - Glass of wine? - Could murder a beer.
Yeah, I fany a beer.
Um What would you like? I'm driving.
Could I have an orangejuice - with a splash of lemonade, please? - Mel, this is Tony! Long time Hello, Tony! - I see you two have met.
- Funny man, your husband.
(THEY MUGH) Yeah I can do serious as well.
I'll go and get those drinks.
Mel, this is Sheryl.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Hello.
So how is everything? What are you doing?! Go and keep him company! He's great! - What an interesting bloke - Rick I didn't know you knew him.
You kept that quiet! Of course I know him.
Why didn't you tell me? It's even better.
Because that is not Tony Briggs.
That is Tony WELMND.
Tony the builder? Who did our roof four years ago.
It can't be.
It is.
But He said he liked my stuff Yes, but that doesn't stop him being Tony the builder.
(SHE GIGGLES) You idiot! Well, you'd better get them their drinks.
(JAZZ MUSIC PMYS) Oh, it's been great.
It's so much warmer upstairs.
Right, here we go.
Thanks, Rick.
Ooh, lovely.
- Tony.
- Cheers, mate.
Sorry.
I'lljustget rid of that.
Ooh! I was enjoying that.
- Switch it back on.
- Really? OK.
- Who is this? - Oh, it's just some jazz.
Vey nice, isn't it? We must buy some jazz.
We don't really listen to it, do we, Tony? No, no.
'Fraid I'm a Radio One man myself.
You know, especially when I'm working.
Mmm.
On the building sites.
- Yeah.
- Whenever I drop in on Tone, they've always got the radio blaring away.
I don't know how they hear themselves think! Shouldn't imagine that's much of a Rick? Um Are you gonna to stand there all night? Come and join us.
(HE SIGHS) Oh, I'll tell you what I left in the car.
The wine I left the wine.
- Ow.
- Be nice.
I am.
I gave them a drink Be nicer.
You are such a snob.
Well, what's he doing here? - You invited him! - He's got a bloody nerve.
It's not his fault.
Why couldn't hejust admit that he's a builder? What was he supposed to say? "We'd love to come to dinner.
"You do realise I'm not the head of drama at ITV"? Nobut itjust makes you sick.
The only reason he's come round here is to get some work from me.
What are you doing? I might as well stick this in the microwave and give it to them.
- What is it? - Good question.
Magda made it.
You're not giving them that.
Why not? He'd probably like it.
It looks like it's come out of a builder's bucket.
Look who I found, tying to get in (THEY MUGH) A humble offering.
Oh, that's very kind, thank you.
Come on through.
I'll open it, we'll have it with the starters.
Oh, it might need chilling, actually.
Feels about right to me.
- Where's the champagne? - Champagne?! Oh Oh.
Yeah, I think it might be It's here.
Shall we sit down? Yeah Someone has gone to a lot of trouble! Yep.
I'd have to say Handyman Harrison.
No You work with Handyman Harrison? - Yeah.
- I love that programme.
Have you met him, Rick? - Yeah.
Several times.
- He's a really sweet man.
And you know Stella Darrell as well? She was one of my first clients, actually.
I thought she was great in that Fat Club thing.
Didn't lose any weight though, did she? Would you ever go on something like that, Rick? Not that you need to, obviously.
(THEY MUGH DRUNKENLY) What about you, though? Saving that man off that bridge.
You're quite famous in the area now.
- Would anyone like a coffee? - Not for me, thanks.
I'm fine, Mel.
Well, I must say it's - I'd love a cup of tea, though.
- Great.
Tony? Well, if you're putting on the kettle, I'll go with Tell you what, Rick.
I couldn't help noticing that you are a cigar man.
Oh, not really That rather fine-looking box of Havanas in the lounge.
- Yeah, they belong to - I'll go and get them.
Thanks, Mel.
Ah.
She's lovely, Mel, isn't she? Yeah God bless you, sir.
Sheryl? Brandy? Malt? Oh, go on, then.
Which? Brandy or malt? You choose.
There you go.
I'lljust go and dig out an ashtray.
Ooh.
You do know your cigars.
Now, you You are gonnajoin me, aren't you, Rick? Yes, yeah.
You go ahead.
(HE SIGHS) Thank you.
Now thatis a long, slow smoke.
Oh well, you can always finish it on the way home.
(HE MUGHS) (HE MUGHS LOUDLY) You are a funny man.
Is he always like this? - More often than not.
- Now Down to business What's thisproject that you wanted to talk to me about? Oh, that.
No, I was just thinking of asking you to put up some shelves, but I'll probably do it myself.
Mel You should get Handyman Harrison to do it.
(THEY MUGH) (HE MUGHS FALSELY) No, come on, Rick.
You didn't go to all this trouble just to talk to me about putting up shelves.
No.
You're right.
I didn't.
(SHE GIGGLES) - Well, I'm glad you're laughing.
- No, I was just thinking If someone asks how was your evening, you can say, "It was very constructive".
Mmm? Yup, very funny.
I mean, why did you have to say we wanted a conservatoy? Because I do.
I've always wanted a conservatoy.
- You know he thinks you're serious.
- I am.
Anyway, I was just helping you out.
Yeah, I didn't need any help.
- You were floundering.
- No, I wasn't.
Yes.
Floundering.
When he asked about your project, you didn't know what to say, so I helped you.
Eight grand, he said! Cos for some reason, you didn't want to talk about your cop show.
It wasn'tjust a cop show.
(SHE IMnmES A GUN SHOT) Oh, God What are we gonna do with this? Eat it? God, you are pissed.
Put it in the bin, wash it up and say it was lovely.
I can't.
Magda'll see it.
And if she doesn't, she'll see the dead rats lying around it.
Well, we'lljust have to eat it, then No, it's OK.
I'll deal with it.
(SHE IMnmES A GUN SHOT) So how wasevening? Yeah, it was very constr It was interesting, nice.
And How was food? Yeah, I was gonna say.
The potato thing, it was delicious.
Mmm.
Thank you.
Eveyone loved it.
I will make for you again.
Well, like you say, it's for special occasions.
Should really stay that way.
Thing is, you know that that dish it came in? Yes.
Quite funny, really, cos was that made in your country or over here? I don't know, I buy it here.
Yeah, it could have been an import.
No, cos the thing is, um I put it in the dishwasher and it broke.
Hmm.
Where is other half? I will mend.
You know what? That's what's really weird.
The other half just shattered into tiny pieces, it's quite dangerous, really.
Obviously, I'll replace it.
You know, buy you a proper one that doesn't break so easily.
- Hey, how you doing? - Yeah.
Oh, before you start.
I might as well tell you the truth.
Tony Briggs had to cancel sowe invited someone else.
Oh.
OK.
Seen the Gazette? They've printed my column? Michael will be pleased.
I think they might sit on that for a couple of weeks.
It's more about the suicide thing.
Still going on about that? Rick Spleen did this, Rick Spleen did that I suppose it was pretty amazing - More about the guy you saved.
- Really? God, he's getting more out of this than I am.
I wouldn't say that, exactly Oh, great(!) The guy was a paedophile! Just my bloody luck.
I KNEW there was something dodgy about him.
I could see it in his eyes.
Why d'you save him, then? What am I supposed to do? Interview him? God, it makes you sick.
You do a good deed, and because of him and what he's done, I've been made to look bad He should be ashamed of himself.
He was trying to commit suicide.
Well, I wish he bloody had done.
(DOORBELL RITVGS) That's the last time I help anyone.
Why can't they wear badges or something? Is Rick in? Oh, hi, Rick.
Sorry to bother you again.
It's not a good time Did you look at that petition? - Yes, I did.
It's all sent off.
- Oh, thanks ever so much.
Only, things have taken a turn for the worse, I'm afraid Oh, really? Yeah.
Look.
- Oh, no - I know.
Thrown over the garden wall last night.
I found it there this morning, lying in what I can only describe as a pile of congealed vomit.
It won't be that.
I'm sure it was probably something quite nice.
I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain If I know where I'm going I don't know from where I came Where are we gonna be In summertime