Life & Beth (2022) s02e02 Episode Script
Who Dat?
1
[NATURE AMBIENCE]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
[THUD]
This is for you.
It's a ring.
I know.
- For you.
- [LAUGHS] I know.
[CLATTERING]
[BETH INHALES]
[BETH EXHALES]
[DISHES, CUTLERY LOUDLY CLATTERING]
[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
So, he didn't get down
on one knee or nothin'?
I mean, technically, he was
on two knees, kinda on me, but.
Jasper, your dog better
not shit on my lawn again!
- You know, love is a beautiful thing.
- BETH: Mm.
And you two are getting married,
and that's what's important.
Yeah, at first I was
worried it was a little s
Stupid!
Soon, Shlomo. I was saying "soon."
Sorry, Bethala. I
It was gonna be an
S-word though, right?
Listen, I'm gonna give
you a little advice.
- Okay.
- Don't be like the rest of these brides,
spendin' nine years
plannin' they weddin'.
Then when it's over, they
have nothing to live for.
They tired, they broke, they
got a honeymoon on layaway.
- Layaway?
- It's just sad. We don't do layaway.
Jasper, the dog! Thank you.
Yeah, we don't wanna wait.
Nah, we just wanna get married.
Yeah, it's not about getting married.
It's about being married.
Oh, oh, see, I, I
think that's a mistake.
There are so few things in
life we really celebrate.
A, a wedding is
something to commemorate,
e-especially as a Jewish woman.
It's important to pay respects
to your ancestors who fled Nazis
so you could be alive and get
married in the first place.
Can we kind of keep
things light, just today?
- Oh, yeah. Of course. I'm sorry.
- MAYA: Beth, look.
I think you should go all out.
Ya know, even though I got divorced,
I'm glad I had a bangin' wedding.
Yes, you did. Oh, my
God, it was so good.
No, we're, we're gonna
do something great.
Yeah, I agree. I just don't wanna wait.
Ya know, we, we could do
it next week. Is that crazy?
JOHN: Timing's good for the farm.
Harvest just ended, so
I'm free. The vineyard?
Uh, we did my mom's memorial there, so.
Uh, you know what? Next week's
bad. I'm goin' to New Orleans
to go to the Essence
Festival with my cousins.
I love New Orleans.
Me too. That's perfect.
- Yes!
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Can I go?
- N-No. No! This is my trip.
This is great. You can
still do all your stuff.
- Why can Aunt Beth go, but I can't go?
- No, wait,
- I'm not gonna have my trip white-jacked.
- What is that?
What does it sound like, Beth?
That's when white people
take over a Black experience!
I have some friends down there.
You do?! Oh, my God,
look at this cool guy.
- Friends in New Orleans.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- How 'bout my guy?
- No, stop! Don't do that with her!
No! This is my only time to see my
favorite cousins. Absolutely not.
No, uh, you won't even
notice that we're there.
You can just pop over to the wedding.
You can still do all your
stuff, all the Essence.
No! No! What do you mean all
the Essence No! Alright?
Why don't you guys go to,
like, Teen Vogue-apalooza,
or, or, or, like, The New
Yorker Clambake or whatever,
but you not gonna white-jack my trip.
Jasper! Get that fuckin' dog!
[CROSSTALK] Get outta here!
Jasper, I thought we was friends, dude.
- Jasper.
- Come on.
Look, Maya,
it's a destination wedding in the
middle of the week, last minute.
Nobody's even gonna show.
[DRAMA BY 79RS GANG PLAYING]
♪
But them boys don't want no drama ♪
Goddamn that mornin',
hear what I say ♪
Them boys don't want no drama ♪
Said I'm all about
drama on a holiday ♪
Them boys don't want no drama ♪
Said I'm Big Chief,
jigger the needle ♪
Them boys don't want no drama ♪
Me not maskin', and
that's a crazy notion ♪
Them boys don't want
no drama, counterfeit ♪
UPTOWN T: Look. Oh, looky here.
'Cause I got a pearl
for the beautiful girl.
- Oh, my God!
- UPTOWN T: It's what makes you a lucky man
'cause that's very rare
that you find a pearl.
- JOHN: Is it?
- Oh, yes, indeed.
We're getting married.
Well, congratulations. That
makes her even more lucky.
- Can you still eat it without the pearl?
- UPTOWN T: Of course, you can.
You know oysters are a aphrodisiac?
You a lucky man today.
- [MOUTHFUL] You're a lucky man.
- I am a lucky man. [LAUGHS]
- Yeah.
- UPTOWN T: Ooh, cha-cha-cha, baby.
- [RESTAURANT CHATTER]
- The best shrimp I ever had. Minnesota.
Minnesota has fantastic shrimp.
Bethy!
The hotel is fantastic,
and they have peanuts, uh,
in the lobby at all times.
You have mentioned that.
I'm so glad you like it.
And I was gonna see, maybe later
on, we, um, we gonna take
You're not making a quick
stop at Rick's Cabaret.
Again. Okay? Thank you.
And we're so glad
everybody could make it.
I can't believe it worked out.
Actually, we hoped no one would.
[RESTAURANT CHATTER]
But, but we're so glad that
it did work out, obviously.
Especially, you two.
Where's little Vince?
He's at the hotel
[THROAT CLEAR] Reminder! This
is my week, okay? I'm kid-free.
I don't get this at home, so respect me.
I fucking love it here!
Where the hell did you
get all those beads?
Ugh!
This is the opposite of Essence Fest.
This is Herbal Essence Fest!
JEN: I love that shampoo. Smell my hair.
Really? Where did you Did you
really, like, just show your tits?
LaVar, Denisha, if you wanna have
some melanated fun, come join me.
My cousin got me tickets
to Earth, Wind & Fire!
Hell yeah! Earth, Wind & Fire?
They have a great World War II
museum I think we'd enjoy together.
- I'm gonna break off from the group also.
- Yeah?
- Who is this?
- John. We're getting married tomorrow.
- Leonard.
- Alright.
- 'Kay.
- JEN: Ooh!
- Old-timey photos!
- Caricatures! And the most important,
- planning your bachelorette party.
- Oh, my God.
No! Oh, my God.
Tonight is about me and John.
Please, I'm serious, stay away.
[WHISPERS] Secret bachelorette party.
- [WHISPERS] You stay away from me.
- JEN: Cheers!
Fuck you.
PERFORMER [SINGS]: I will
play for gumbo, you know ♪
I will play for gumbo ♪
I'm not talkin' quesadilla
or a dozen Krispy Kremes ♪
Thank you!
Pound of caviar, but
that's a rich man's dream ♪
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Oh, it's Ann.
Okay, I'll let you take it.
- Who dat?
- It's Ann!
I know. That's just what
they say here. Who dat?!
- Oh.
- BETH [ON PHONE]: Yeah. Did you check in okay?
[SIGHS]
I think you're rushing into this.
I know, I definitely didn't feel
comfortable saying, "Who dat?"
No, I think you're rushing
into getting married.
I'm sorry, but I just I gotta say it.
Okay, I wanna be with him, Annie.
I know, I know. I know
you think that now.
Listen. I
Remember Mom got us
those stupid keychains
for Phantom of the Opera?
Yeah. Three years in a row.
Never took us.
One of Mom's best empty promises.
Right, well I wanna make a real promise.
I don't know, I just Ya know.
It's fuckin' fast! It's too fast!
You're being hurtful.
Okay, I've been havin' some trouble
[MUFFLED SINGING THROUGH PHONE]
- leaving my apartment lately, and
- BETH [ON PHONE]: No, you know what?
Don't come.
- Look, Beth, I
- BETH: Don't come. Because if you do,
you'll just come with
all your boundaries.
- No
- And I'd rather you just not be there.
- Alright?
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Uh, Beth, I'm trying to
No. No, no! I-I mean it, Annie.
I'm serious!
We only want people to come
- who actually love and support us!
- I'm Jesus Christ.
You were the one who was pushing
me to let him in, and now he's in,
so you stay out!
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Hey, hey!
- BETH: Okay?
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Beth.
- Oh, well, I have to go anyway
'cause John just he's
buying me a flower crown.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Oh, my God, hello?
BETH: You were right, John! I
will look like a princess in that!
That's so nice, thank you!
- Beth?
- Okay, great, goodbye.
That's good. Yeah, straight line.
That's it, that's it, perfect.
- Um.
- JOHN: That's better.
- John?
- JOHN: Hey, hon.
This is Ben.
Do you know the correct
way to do a pushup?
- Uh, I Really?
- JOHN: How do you do it?
Well, it's like a straight
line from the back of the head,
- down to the ankles.
- That's great to know.
Do you think maybe we can
help get Ben somethin' to eat?
What? Somethin' to eat?
Oh. Well, they, they just, um,
actually, put some lunch out back
- if you guys
- Great. That sounds really good.
- Yes. Come on!
- Is this, like, a mission? Soup kitchen?
BEN: Follow me. Come on.
BETH: I don't wanna follow a
homeless person into an alley.
- BEN: Follow me, y'all.
- What are you talking about?
Come on, here. Come on. Like
this, Beth. Get your arms up.
- BEN: You gotta walk this way.
- I don't feel good about this.
JOHN: [INDISTINCT] You can't, ya
know There's certain places.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[BACKYARD CHATTER]
[JAZZ GETS LOUDER]
[MUSIC CONCLUDES]
What?
Beth, I'd like to introduce you
to the Preservation Hall Band.
- BETH: Hi.
- [OVERLAPPING GREETINGS]
Yeah, Ben's the tuba
player. He's my friend.
He's gonna help us with
all things New Orleans.
I'm so sorry. I thought you were,
like, a homeless person Unhoused.
Happens all the time.
- Really, no big deal.
- BETH: Oh, gosh. Okay. Yeah.
Oh, God.
Ann-Ann's not coming.
She's not?
Let's focus on us. Come on.
- Forget Ann.
- Yeah.
- JOHN: May she rest.
- BETH: What?
Baby, y'all look like some newcomers!
It's some shit down here
that'll make Uncle Luke
clutch his pearls, baby.
Are you Big Freedia?
The one and only, girl down.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God!
These two are gettin'
married. First time.
Oh! I love a starter weddin', chile.
- Well, we hope it's forever.
- Yeah, I think it'll last.
Me too, girl.
Actually, we wanna get married tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Bitch, how
pregnant are ya, girl?
- Oh, I'm not pregnant.
- I'm hookin' them up
with wedding planner
extraordinaire Flora.
- Oh, shit. The queen herself, baby.
- Good.
I'd organize it myself,
but we have a show tonight,
and you all should come.
- We'd love to. Right? Yeah.
- Right. We'll be there.
- BEN: Two?
- Yeah, just
- Two.
- Yeah, just two.
- Just us.
- BEN: And you know what?
I'm thinkin' I'm gonna gift
you all a psychic reading with a
New Orleans legend.
BIG FREEDIA: I like y'all two energy.
Welcome to NOLA, baby.
[SINGS] You already know ♪
[EXCITED CHATTER]
[JAZZ BAND PLAYING]
CHILDREN [SINGING]: You
can never bring me down ♪
'Cause now I'm wearin' that crown ♪
And you can never bring me down ♪
[ALL CHEERING]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- [STREET NOISE]
- [BEADS RATTLING]
Who the fuck uses cobblestones
anymore? It's like.
- How do I look?
- JEN: Uh.
It's, uh
- What?
- [BEADS RATTLE]
Why do I look so sad?
I don't know. Why do you?
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
- JOHN: Tree of Life.
- BETH: Wow, that's what it's called?
JOHN: Yeah.
- God, it's beautiful!
- Yeah.
I can't believe it! It's
This is just the perfect
place for us to get married.
Isn't it? Oh, just gorgeous!
[SNIFF] Mm! The smell of lilacs,
and the way the light is
hittin' the top of the trees.
Ah. [LAUGHS] Oh! I'm
Flora, your wedding savior.
- Oh. Hi.
- Oh! It's so nice to meet you!
This is beyond what we
could've ever hoped for.
Yes, it is. You know, it's
booked years in advance.
Let's go to the spot
you're getting married.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Now, let's get that Venmo
charge out of the way, shall we?
[STREET NOISE]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[CASH REGISTER DING]
Okay. Let's go in.
Hey, Beth! There's Beth!
Bethy! Is this a, is this a sex shop?
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING] [CAR HONKING]
Wow.
- JOHN: Great.
- Right?
This is so not what
we're gonna do. [LAUGHS]
- For what?
- This is not bad.
This is a, a classy joint.
Oh! Well, well, thank you.
[FLORA LAUGHS]
- Leonard.
- Oh. Uh, Leonardo. [LAUGHS]
That's my dad. That's Matt and Meri.
They used to date. Now,
they're just friends.
- Good friends.
- More like family.
Okay, well, then, we got somethin' old.
Listen, I'm gonna handle everything.
You don't have to worry
about anything at all.
I'm gonna do your hair, your
makeup, the decor, the fire pit.
I'm gonna do the flowers, the birds,
- and the wine
- Did you say "the birds"?
Yeah, weddin' birds!
Lovebirds always need wedding
birds, everyone knows that.
Well, thank you!
- You, Leonardo, are a smart man.
- Leonard.
- [FLORA LAUGHS, CHATTING]
- Have you ever heard of wedding birds?
No, I don't think so, no.
It's just birds, I think.
[SINGING BRIDAL CHORUS]
Oh, there's no singing. Yeah,
there's no singing, yeah.
- LEONARD: You are a little firecracker.
- [FLORA LAUGHS]
[TOILET FLUSHING]
[DOOR THUDS]
[SINK RUNNING]
How's, uh, Kerig?
I know what you're doing.
[SCOFFS] Throwing this
whole wedding so that
Matt will fall back in love with you?
- Sad.
- Wow.
It's not gonna work.
He's crazy about me. He's faithful.
We are gonna be married
faster than you can say
[SCREAMS]
[SIGHS]
[SOFT, MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[SHIP HORN]
[CLICKS TONGUE]
[QUIET PEDESTRIAN CHATTER]
I wish your mom was here.
♪
Think you'll really like Beth,
Dad. She's really special.
[DEEP INHALE]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey. [QUIET CHATTER]
Hi! Shoes?
Yep.
Wh [CHUCKLES]
- You wanna see where Ben grew up?
- Yeah.
- BEN: Through here.
- JOHN: This is it.
[SOFT CROWD CHATTER]
- Wow.
- It's great, right?
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
- Your parents lived here?
- BEN: Yeah.
Slept right up there.
- BETH: For how long?
- BEN: Uh.
Lived back here for 60 years.
In this one room.
How?
They could stand each other.
Showtime!
Good evenin', ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Preservation Hall.
We gon' start this evenin'
off with "That's It."
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[TUBA PLAYING]
JESS: Bethy!
Look what we got!
[DRUNKEN SHOUTING]
Oh, my God, I wanna die.
[JAZZ BAND STOPS PLAYING]
Excuse me. I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry. Sorry.
- Sorry, so sorry.
- [FRIENDS SHOUTING]
- BETH: So sorry, sorry, sorry.
That's white-jackin'.
JEN: Show us your tits!
[DRUMMER COUNTING OFF]
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- [DRUNKEN LAUGHING]
- Back up! Back up! Shut up!
I said absolutely not! I told you guys!
I've always let you guys be
yourselves, loud and wild!
- Us?
- I don't like your tone.
But tomorrow is about me, what I want.
At my wedding. Calm and respectful.
My boundaries! My lead! My boundaries!
- Okay, geez.
- Oh, my God. What is her problem?!
Ann isn't gonna make it.
- Oh.
- Oh, that's so sad.
[JAZZ BAND CONTINUES PLAYING]
- I need, like, 10 Advil.
- I need a drink.
We don't need Beth to
have a bachelorette.
- We don't.
- No, come on.
Wait, wait for me!
[BAND CONTINUES PLAYING]
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Should we go in?
- No, I don't wanna watch music.
SINGER [ON MIC]: Thanks for comin'
out! We've been Dirt, Air & Flames!
What the fuck did we
just watch in there?
Oh, it was a horrific piece of shit.
I can't e
Joe Joe? That's my cousin.
- Joe Joe!
- What up, cuz?
- Don't "What up, cuz" me!
- SHLOMO: I'm Shlomo.
How you doin'? You travel
with your lawyer now?
No, I'm her, I'm her boyfriend.
You haven't mentioned me?
Joe Joe, those tickets you
got us for Earth, Wind & Fire
were for a tribute band,
Dirt, Air & damn Flames!
Damn! My bad, cuz.
Look, I got it from the dry cleaners.
But it makes sense now. That's
why the barcode wouldn't work,
and that man ain't
had no shirt on either.
Joe Joe, Joe Joe. You
got me embarrassin' myself
in front of all these
beautiful Black people, my man,
and the fuckin' Fauxbamas over here.
Don't worry, babe. I'm-I'm
havin' a great time.
See? What you trippin' for?
You know what? This trip is
just fucked up. Get Sorry.
- What? Maya! Cousin!
- MAYA: Just, please No, no.
Don't be like that!
- It was a pleasure.
- Oh. Nice to meet you, Slow-mo.
- Shlomo.
- Fo' sho!
- ALL: Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth!
- [CLUB CHATTER]
JEN: We love Beth, but she was
a bitch tonight, I tell you what.
Jess, suck my dick!
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- It's a cocktail!
- [STREET NOISE]
- [BOTTLE CLATTERING]
I texted Bryan a cute picture of myself,
and he wrote back, "Did
you pay the gas bill yet?"
- I'm sorry, babe.
- Is anyone coming?
No. You think I'd forget to tell you?
I'm the lookout. It's
what I do. I look out.
[SNIFFLES] Hey, how,
how many Advil can I take
before it's dangerous, huh?
- [POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
- Shit.
Oh no! I peed on my beads!
- [POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
- Oh, my God.
- So sorry, Officer.
- [BEADS RATTLING]
Have you been drinkin' tonight, ma'am?
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
You're hot.
Ma'am, I'm gonna have
to write you a ticket.
Will you kiss me?
Ma'am?
Call me "ma'am" again.
Ma'am?
[BOTH MOANING]
[ALL SINGING IN HEBREW]
- Oh, Happy Hanukkah.
- ANN/BETH: Happy Hanukkah.
- Oh, sweeties.
- [GIGGLE]
Alright, last night.
Time for your biggest gifts.
I mean, you already
got us those cool socks.
Dreidel socks, the
cornerstone of Judaism.
Oh. Wow. A keychain.
Well, it's not just any keychain.
It's a Phantom of the Opera keychain.
Because we are going to see the show
on Broadway!
- [GIGGLE]
- What?!
- On Broadway?!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my gosh! Thank you!
- That's so cool! Thank you!
- Oh, you're welcome.
- Thanks, Mom.
Come here. [KISSES] Happy Hanukkah.
- Oh, my God, Broadway!
- Broadway!
- ANN: I'm so excited!
- Oh, me too, sweetie.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING, FADES OUT]
Beth, look at you.
You look like a little angel,
despite your white lady shenanigans.
[SIGHS]
I miss my mom.
I know, I know.
But she's here. You know?
I mean, if she was here,
she would be driving me insane,
making it all about herself.
Huh, so it's hereditary.
I know, I know. I'm
sorry. Listen. [SIGHS]
That's the beauty of
dead people, you know?
They're not here to drive us crazy,
so all we're left with is the love.
And look at you. Smile. [LAUGHS]
You're swimmin' in that shit.
Yeah. Yeah.
- I am.
- Okay.
Write your vows. You good?
Yeah. I'm, I'm, I'm not
worried about my vows.
I'm worried about John's vows.
- Girl.
- Yeah.
- You worry about keeping Jen and
- Yes, Jen and Jess.
I told Jess I'ma break my
foot off in her ass, okay?
Okay, good. Would we be friends
with them if we met them right now?
- Hell no, girl.
- No! Yeah.
And listen, we'll talk
about you ruinin' my trip,
but not today. Today, I got you. [SIGHS]
BETH: Alright, thank you.
[EXHALES]
There's the beauty! Put
this tip jar down here.
Well, let's get you wedding ready.
Okay. Who's gonna do my makeup?
I am, baby doll!
- And my hair?
- Also me!
Okay. Um, there's no mirror here.
Yeah, Ricky stole it. That's
okay, we don't need it.
Alright. Um, I brought a reference photo
- that I would like you to sort of emulate.
- Oh, okay.
Just a little picture for inspo.
- FLORA: We can do it.
- I really wanna wow John.
- I invented the wow, right? [LAUGHS]
- Okay, yeah.
- But that's wowsy. Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah.
Oh, just so you know,
I have trichotillomania,
so I'm missing some hair.
Don't worry. There are
no spiders in here, okay?
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
That's an interesting dress, Meri.
Oh, thank you so much!
Hey. Where did you go last night?
You, like, disappeared.
Don't worry about it. How's your leg?
It hurts. The doctor only gave
me ibuprofen, so I'm just kinda
MATT: Here.
- [PILL BOTTLE RATTLING]
- Take one of these.
- What is it?
- Trust me.
- Um, that Okay.
- Oh!
A few for me.
Cheers.
♪
[INAUDIBLE CHATTER]
[JAZZ SONG ENDS]
Is Mommy coming?
BETH: No, Dad.
Are you ready?
BETH: I am.
Ya look ready.
I got good news and bad news.
The good news is, ya look
gorgeous! Like a model.
The bad news is, your groom took off.
[QUIET STREET NOISE]
Hey.
- Hey.
- [SIGHS]
Do you have a phone?
I wanna look at myself.
There's no mirror in there.
- No.
- You're sweating.
I was playing basketball.
I'm just finishing my vows.
I guess that's why I'm
feeling, I guess, nervous.
Yeah, talking in front of a
room full of people, that's
- Of course, you're nervous.
- No, it's not that.
It's just I just, I just
have a lot of feelings for you.
I just hope that I covered them all.
[SIGHS]
So, I walk down the aisle by myself
and I stand there waiting for you?
We could do something different.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR CREAKING]
[BETH SIGHS]
Uh, do I look okay?
Well, it's too late.
[BRIDAL CHORUS BY RICHARD
WAGNER PLAYING ON PIANO]
Rabbi!
Surprise! [LAUGHS]
John wanted there to be a Jewish element
since we're doing this in a, uh,
chandelier store or something. Ugh.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- [FLY BUZZING]
- Well, anyway, we are live!
- [CAMERA RECORDING BEEP]
That's right, people. I promised you a
big one right after that Goldberg bris.
Well, here it is.
Beth and John, they're gonna do it.
Yeah, that's right.
This chat is on fire.
I can see the comments. Keep 'em comin'.
Ezra, unmute me.
And remember, you can always
follow me on my podcast, and
C-Can we, can we skip
ahead to our vows?
Oh, skip ahead? There's a whole
ceremony, but what the hey?
- Okay.
- Hit it.
Beth,
I know you like
when I say your name,
so I'll make sure to say it a lot. Beth.
[SOFT LAUGH]
Since we met, you have challenged me
to be a better person
and a better partner.
But at the same time, I've
never felt more like myself.
I don't always know the best
way to express my love for you,
but marrying you seems like one way.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
Your beauty is effortless.
Usually.
I'm a farmer, Beth.
And soon, our family will grow.
That's what I do best.
Beth you are my favorite
person in the world.
I love you.
Love from John.
Uh, and, uh.
Oh! Cool.
I just gonna put it on. [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS] That was
beautiful. It was so good.
That was, like, way better
than I thought it was gonna be.
- [BIRD CHIRPING]
- Um.
- [PAPER CRINKLING]
- Uh, I,
- [BIRD CHIRPING]
- um.
Um. [SIGHS]
That was just, like, a lot better
than I thought it was gonna be.
[LOUD CHIRPING]
Is there anything we
can do about the birds?
You paid for 'em.
They're in the package.
- Right.
- [PAPER CRINKLING]
Um.
Ugh. This is stupid. I'm just gonna
speak from the heart. John,
[GENTLE PIANO CONTINUES]
every rose
has
[FLY BUZZING]
It, um, [LOUD CHIRPING]
its thorn.
Just like every
[CHIRPING] It's like.
[WEAKLY SINGING, ACCENTED]
Every cowboy ♪
Sings a sad, sad song ♪
- Poison.
- Every rose ♪
Ah, ah, ah, ah! No singing!
Oh.
Sorry, I-I don't know what
the fuck I'm saying. I just
Uh, everybody's asking why it's so fast,
but it's just because I can't wait
another second to be your wife.
♪
I love you.
- Here's your ring. I don't know.
- Oh, thanks.
With the understanding that as his wife,
you will honor and obey him,
and bear him many, many
children for Hashem
- Um, no.
- RABBI: Okay, then.
I hope you guys are still with me
because even though it's
a little dry right now,
I'm gonna funny this up
later on on the podcast.
Alright, with the power vested in me
by the hottest temple on Long Island
That's right! Central
Synagogue, you rock!
I now pronounce you man and wife.
[LAUGHING] You may kiss the bride.
- Aww.
- [APPLAUSE]
Let's hear it, everybody! Mazel tov!
[ALL CHEERING]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUFFLED CHEERING]
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
- I didn't even know you played.
- [STOPS PLAYING]
I'm a man who has many secrets.
[SOFT LAUGH]
[RESUMES PLAYING PIANO]
- [STOPS PLAYING]
- I kinda can't, like I need to
Oh, sorry. Yeah. You do you.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
It's so easy.
[NATURE AMBIENCE]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
[THUD]
This is for you.
It's a ring.
I know.
- For you.
- [LAUGHS] I know.
[CLATTERING]
[BETH INHALES]
[BETH EXHALES]
[DISHES, CUTLERY LOUDLY CLATTERING]
[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
So, he didn't get down
on one knee or nothin'?
I mean, technically, he was
on two knees, kinda on me, but.
Jasper, your dog better
not shit on my lawn again!
- You know, love is a beautiful thing.
- BETH: Mm.
And you two are getting married,
and that's what's important.
Yeah, at first I was
worried it was a little s
Stupid!
Soon, Shlomo. I was saying "soon."
Sorry, Bethala. I
It was gonna be an
S-word though, right?
Listen, I'm gonna give
you a little advice.
- Okay.
- Don't be like the rest of these brides,
spendin' nine years
plannin' they weddin'.
Then when it's over, they
have nothing to live for.
They tired, they broke, they
got a honeymoon on layaway.
- Layaway?
- It's just sad. We don't do layaway.
Jasper, the dog! Thank you.
Yeah, we don't wanna wait.
Nah, we just wanna get married.
Yeah, it's not about getting married.
It's about being married.
Oh, oh, see, I, I
think that's a mistake.
There are so few things in
life we really celebrate.
A, a wedding is
something to commemorate,
e-especially as a Jewish woman.
It's important to pay respects
to your ancestors who fled Nazis
so you could be alive and get
married in the first place.
Can we kind of keep
things light, just today?
- Oh, yeah. Of course. I'm sorry.
- MAYA: Beth, look.
I think you should go all out.
Ya know, even though I got divorced,
I'm glad I had a bangin' wedding.
Yes, you did. Oh, my
God, it was so good.
No, we're, we're gonna
do something great.
Yeah, I agree. I just don't wanna wait.
Ya know, we, we could do
it next week. Is that crazy?
JOHN: Timing's good for the farm.
Harvest just ended, so
I'm free. The vineyard?
Uh, we did my mom's memorial there, so.
Uh, you know what? Next week's
bad. I'm goin' to New Orleans
to go to the Essence
Festival with my cousins.
I love New Orleans.
Me too. That's perfect.
- Yes!
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Can I go?
- N-No. No! This is my trip.
This is great. You can
still do all your stuff.
- Why can Aunt Beth go, but I can't go?
- No, wait,
- I'm not gonna have my trip white-jacked.
- What is that?
What does it sound like, Beth?
That's when white people
take over a Black experience!
I have some friends down there.
You do?! Oh, my God,
look at this cool guy.
- Friends in New Orleans.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- How 'bout my guy?
- No, stop! Don't do that with her!
No! This is my only time to see my
favorite cousins. Absolutely not.
No, uh, you won't even
notice that we're there.
You can just pop over to the wedding.
You can still do all your
stuff, all the Essence.
No! No! What do you mean all
the Essence No! Alright?
Why don't you guys go to,
like, Teen Vogue-apalooza,
or, or, or, like, The New
Yorker Clambake or whatever,
but you not gonna white-jack my trip.
Jasper! Get that fuckin' dog!
[CROSSTALK] Get outta here!
Jasper, I thought we was friends, dude.
- Jasper.
- Come on.
Look, Maya,
it's a destination wedding in the
middle of the week, last minute.
Nobody's even gonna show.
[DRAMA BY 79RS GANG PLAYING]
♪
But them boys don't want no drama ♪
Goddamn that mornin',
hear what I say ♪
Them boys don't want no drama ♪
Said I'm all about
drama on a holiday ♪
Them boys don't want no drama ♪
Said I'm Big Chief,
jigger the needle ♪
Them boys don't want no drama ♪
Me not maskin', and
that's a crazy notion ♪
Them boys don't want
no drama, counterfeit ♪
UPTOWN T: Look. Oh, looky here.
'Cause I got a pearl
for the beautiful girl.
- Oh, my God!
- UPTOWN T: It's what makes you a lucky man
'cause that's very rare
that you find a pearl.
- JOHN: Is it?
- Oh, yes, indeed.
We're getting married.
Well, congratulations. That
makes her even more lucky.
- Can you still eat it without the pearl?
- UPTOWN T: Of course, you can.
You know oysters are a aphrodisiac?
You a lucky man today.
- [MOUTHFUL] You're a lucky man.
- I am a lucky man. [LAUGHS]
- Yeah.
- UPTOWN T: Ooh, cha-cha-cha, baby.
- [RESTAURANT CHATTER]
- The best shrimp I ever had. Minnesota.
Minnesota has fantastic shrimp.
Bethy!
The hotel is fantastic,
and they have peanuts, uh,
in the lobby at all times.
You have mentioned that.
I'm so glad you like it.
And I was gonna see, maybe later
on, we, um, we gonna take
You're not making a quick
stop at Rick's Cabaret.
Again. Okay? Thank you.
And we're so glad
everybody could make it.
I can't believe it worked out.
Actually, we hoped no one would.
[RESTAURANT CHATTER]
But, but we're so glad that
it did work out, obviously.
Especially, you two.
Where's little Vince?
He's at the hotel
[THROAT CLEAR] Reminder! This
is my week, okay? I'm kid-free.
I don't get this at home, so respect me.
I fucking love it here!
Where the hell did you
get all those beads?
Ugh!
This is the opposite of Essence Fest.
This is Herbal Essence Fest!
JEN: I love that shampoo. Smell my hair.
Really? Where did you Did you
really, like, just show your tits?
LaVar, Denisha, if you wanna have
some melanated fun, come join me.
My cousin got me tickets
to Earth, Wind & Fire!
Hell yeah! Earth, Wind & Fire?
They have a great World War II
museum I think we'd enjoy together.
- I'm gonna break off from the group also.
- Yeah?
- Who is this?
- John. We're getting married tomorrow.
- Leonard.
- Alright.
- 'Kay.
- JEN: Ooh!
- Old-timey photos!
- Caricatures! And the most important,
- planning your bachelorette party.
- Oh, my God.
No! Oh, my God.
Tonight is about me and John.
Please, I'm serious, stay away.
[WHISPERS] Secret bachelorette party.
- [WHISPERS] You stay away from me.
- JEN: Cheers!
Fuck you.
PERFORMER [SINGS]: I will
play for gumbo, you know ♪
I will play for gumbo ♪
I'm not talkin' quesadilla
or a dozen Krispy Kremes ♪
Thank you!
Pound of caviar, but
that's a rich man's dream ♪
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Oh, it's Ann.
Okay, I'll let you take it.
- Who dat?
- It's Ann!
I know. That's just what
they say here. Who dat?!
- Oh.
- BETH [ON PHONE]: Yeah. Did you check in okay?
[SIGHS]
I think you're rushing into this.
I know, I definitely didn't feel
comfortable saying, "Who dat?"
No, I think you're rushing
into getting married.
I'm sorry, but I just I gotta say it.
Okay, I wanna be with him, Annie.
I know, I know. I know
you think that now.
Listen. I
Remember Mom got us
those stupid keychains
for Phantom of the Opera?
Yeah. Three years in a row.
Never took us.
One of Mom's best empty promises.
Right, well I wanna make a real promise.
I don't know, I just Ya know.
It's fuckin' fast! It's too fast!
You're being hurtful.
Okay, I've been havin' some trouble
[MUFFLED SINGING THROUGH PHONE]
- leaving my apartment lately, and
- BETH [ON PHONE]: No, you know what?
Don't come.
- Look, Beth, I
- BETH: Don't come. Because if you do,
you'll just come with
all your boundaries.
- No
- And I'd rather you just not be there.
- Alright?
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Uh, Beth, I'm trying to
No. No, no! I-I mean it, Annie.
I'm serious!
We only want people to come
- who actually love and support us!
- I'm Jesus Christ.
You were the one who was pushing
me to let him in, and now he's in,
so you stay out!
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Hey, hey!
- BETH: Okay?
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Beth.
- Oh, well, I have to go anyway
'cause John just he's
buying me a flower crown.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- ANN [ON PHONE]: Oh, my God, hello?
BETH: You were right, John! I
will look like a princess in that!
That's so nice, thank you!
- Beth?
- Okay, great, goodbye.
That's good. Yeah, straight line.
That's it, that's it, perfect.
- Um.
- JOHN: That's better.
- John?
- JOHN: Hey, hon.
This is Ben.
Do you know the correct
way to do a pushup?
- Uh, I Really?
- JOHN: How do you do it?
Well, it's like a straight
line from the back of the head,
- down to the ankles.
- That's great to know.
Do you think maybe we can
help get Ben somethin' to eat?
What? Somethin' to eat?
Oh. Well, they, they just, um,
actually, put some lunch out back
- if you guys
- Great. That sounds really good.
- Yes. Come on!
- Is this, like, a mission? Soup kitchen?
BEN: Follow me. Come on.
BETH: I don't wanna follow a
homeless person into an alley.
- BEN: Follow me, y'all.
- What are you talking about?
Come on, here. Come on. Like
this, Beth. Get your arms up.
- BEN: You gotta walk this way.
- I don't feel good about this.
JOHN: [INDISTINCT] You can't, ya
know There's certain places.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[BACKYARD CHATTER]
[JAZZ GETS LOUDER]
[MUSIC CONCLUDES]
What?
Beth, I'd like to introduce you
to the Preservation Hall Band.
- BETH: Hi.
- [OVERLAPPING GREETINGS]
Yeah, Ben's the tuba
player. He's my friend.
He's gonna help us with
all things New Orleans.
I'm so sorry. I thought you were,
like, a homeless person Unhoused.
Happens all the time.
- Really, no big deal.
- BETH: Oh, gosh. Okay. Yeah.
Oh, God.
Ann-Ann's not coming.
She's not?
Let's focus on us. Come on.
- Forget Ann.
- Yeah.
- JOHN: May she rest.
- BETH: What?
Baby, y'all look like some newcomers!
It's some shit down here
that'll make Uncle Luke
clutch his pearls, baby.
Are you Big Freedia?
The one and only, girl down.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God!
These two are gettin'
married. First time.
Oh! I love a starter weddin', chile.
- Well, we hope it's forever.
- Yeah, I think it'll last.
Me too, girl.
Actually, we wanna get married tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Bitch, how
pregnant are ya, girl?
- Oh, I'm not pregnant.
- I'm hookin' them up
with wedding planner
extraordinaire Flora.
- Oh, shit. The queen herself, baby.
- Good.
I'd organize it myself,
but we have a show tonight,
and you all should come.
- We'd love to. Right? Yeah.
- Right. We'll be there.
- BEN: Two?
- Yeah, just
- Two.
- Yeah, just two.
- Just us.
- BEN: And you know what?
I'm thinkin' I'm gonna gift
you all a psychic reading with a
New Orleans legend.
BIG FREEDIA: I like y'all two energy.
Welcome to NOLA, baby.
[SINGS] You already know ♪
[EXCITED CHATTER]
[JAZZ BAND PLAYING]
CHILDREN [SINGING]: You
can never bring me down ♪
'Cause now I'm wearin' that crown ♪
And you can never bring me down ♪
[ALL CHEERING]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- [STREET NOISE]
- [BEADS RATTLING]
Who the fuck uses cobblestones
anymore? It's like.
- How do I look?
- JEN: Uh.
It's, uh
- What?
- [BEADS RATTLE]
Why do I look so sad?
I don't know. Why do you?
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
- JOHN: Tree of Life.
- BETH: Wow, that's what it's called?
JOHN: Yeah.
- God, it's beautiful!
- Yeah.
I can't believe it! It's
This is just the perfect
place for us to get married.
Isn't it? Oh, just gorgeous!
[SNIFF] Mm! The smell of lilacs,
and the way the light is
hittin' the top of the trees.
Ah. [LAUGHS] Oh! I'm
Flora, your wedding savior.
- Oh. Hi.
- Oh! It's so nice to meet you!
This is beyond what we
could've ever hoped for.
Yes, it is. You know, it's
booked years in advance.
Let's go to the spot
you're getting married.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Now, let's get that Venmo
charge out of the way, shall we?
[STREET NOISE]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[CASH REGISTER DING]
Okay. Let's go in.
Hey, Beth! There's Beth!
Bethy! Is this a, is this a sex shop?
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING] [CAR HONKING]
Wow.
- JOHN: Great.
- Right?
This is so not what
we're gonna do. [LAUGHS]
- For what?
- This is not bad.
This is a, a classy joint.
Oh! Well, well, thank you.
[FLORA LAUGHS]
- Leonard.
- Oh. Uh, Leonardo. [LAUGHS]
That's my dad. That's Matt and Meri.
They used to date. Now,
they're just friends.
- Good friends.
- More like family.
Okay, well, then, we got somethin' old.
Listen, I'm gonna handle everything.
You don't have to worry
about anything at all.
I'm gonna do your hair, your
makeup, the decor, the fire pit.
I'm gonna do the flowers, the birds,
- and the wine
- Did you say "the birds"?
Yeah, weddin' birds!
Lovebirds always need wedding
birds, everyone knows that.
Well, thank you!
- You, Leonardo, are a smart man.
- Leonard.
- [FLORA LAUGHS, CHATTING]
- Have you ever heard of wedding birds?
No, I don't think so, no.
It's just birds, I think.
[SINGING BRIDAL CHORUS]
Oh, there's no singing. Yeah,
there's no singing, yeah.
- LEONARD: You are a little firecracker.
- [FLORA LAUGHS]
[TOILET FLUSHING]
[DOOR THUDS]
[SINK RUNNING]
How's, uh, Kerig?
I know what you're doing.
[SCOFFS] Throwing this
whole wedding so that
Matt will fall back in love with you?
- Sad.
- Wow.
It's not gonna work.
He's crazy about me. He's faithful.
We are gonna be married
faster than you can say
[SCREAMS]
[SIGHS]
[SOFT, MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[SHIP HORN]
[CLICKS TONGUE]
[QUIET PEDESTRIAN CHATTER]
I wish your mom was here.
♪
Think you'll really like Beth,
Dad. She's really special.
[DEEP INHALE]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey. [QUIET CHATTER]
Hi! Shoes?
Yep.
Wh [CHUCKLES]
- You wanna see where Ben grew up?
- Yeah.
- BEN: Through here.
- JOHN: This is it.
[SOFT CROWD CHATTER]
- Wow.
- It's great, right?
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
- Your parents lived here?
- BEN: Yeah.
Slept right up there.
- BETH: For how long?
- BEN: Uh.
Lived back here for 60 years.
In this one room.
How?
They could stand each other.
Showtime!
Good evenin', ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Preservation Hall.
We gon' start this evenin'
off with "That's It."
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[TUBA PLAYING]
JESS: Bethy!
Look what we got!
[DRUNKEN SHOUTING]
Oh, my God, I wanna die.
[JAZZ BAND STOPS PLAYING]
Excuse me. I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry. Sorry.
- Sorry, so sorry.
- [FRIENDS SHOUTING]
- BETH: So sorry, sorry, sorry.
That's white-jackin'.
JEN: Show us your tits!
[DRUMMER COUNTING OFF]
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- [DRUNKEN LAUGHING]
- Back up! Back up! Shut up!
I said absolutely not! I told you guys!
I've always let you guys be
yourselves, loud and wild!
- Us?
- I don't like your tone.
But tomorrow is about me, what I want.
At my wedding. Calm and respectful.
My boundaries! My lead! My boundaries!
- Okay, geez.
- Oh, my God. What is her problem?!
Ann isn't gonna make it.
- Oh.
- Oh, that's so sad.
[JAZZ BAND CONTINUES PLAYING]
- I need, like, 10 Advil.
- I need a drink.
We don't need Beth to
have a bachelorette.
- We don't.
- No, come on.
Wait, wait for me!
[BAND CONTINUES PLAYING]
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Should we go in?
- No, I don't wanna watch music.
SINGER [ON MIC]: Thanks for comin'
out! We've been Dirt, Air & Flames!
What the fuck did we
just watch in there?
Oh, it was a horrific piece of shit.
I can't e
Joe Joe? That's my cousin.
- Joe Joe!
- What up, cuz?
- Don't "What up, cuz" me!
- SHLOMO: I'm Shlomo.
How you doin'? You travel
with your lawyer now?
No, I'm her, I'm her boyfriend.
You haven't mentioned me?
Joe Joe, those tickets you
got us for Earth, Wind & Fire
were for a tribute band,
Dirt, Air & damn Flames!
Damn! My bad, cuz.
Look, I got it from the dry cleaners.
But it makes sense now. That's
why the barcode wouldn't work,
and that man ain't
had no shirt on either.
Joe Joe, Joe Joe. You
got me embarrassin' myself
in front of all these
beautiful Black people, my man,
and the fuckin' Fauxbamas over here.
Don't worry, babe. I'm-I'm
havin' a great time.
See? What you trippin' for?
You know what? This trip is
just fucked up. Get Sorry.
- What? Maya! Cousin!
- MAYA: Just, please No, no.
Don't be like that!
- It was a pleasure.
- Oh. Nice to meet you, Slow-mo.
- Shlomo.
- Fo' sho!
- ALL: Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth!
- [CLUB CHATTER]
JEN: We love Beth, but she was
a bitch tonight, I tell you what.
Jess, suck my dick!
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- It's a cocktail!
- [STREET NOISE]
- [BOTTLE CLATTERING]
I texted Bryan a cute picture of myself,
and he wrote back, "Did
you pay the gas bill yet?"
- I'm sorry, babe.
- Is anyone coming?
No. You think I'd forget to tell you?
I'm the lookout. It's
what I do. I look out.
[SNIFFLES] Hey, how,
how many Advil can I take
before it's dangerous, huh?
- [POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
- Shit.
Oh no! I peed on my beads!
- [POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
- Oh, my God.
- So sorry, Officer.
- [BEADS RATTLING]
Have you been drinkin' tonight, ma'am?
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
You're hot.
Ma'am, I'm gonna have
to write you a ticket.
Will you kiss me?
Ma'am?
Call me "ma'am" again.
Ma'am?
[BOTH MOANING]
[ALL SINGING IN HEBREW]
- Oh, Happy Hanukkah.
- ANN/BETH: Happy Hanukkah.
- Oh, sweeties.
- [GIGGLE]
Alright, last night.
Time for your biggest gifts.
I mean, you already
got us those cool socks.
Dreidel socks, the
cornerstone of Judaism.
Oh. Wow. A keychain.
Well, it's not just any keychain.
It's a Phantom of the Opera keychain.
Because we are going to see the show
on Broadway!
- [GIGGLE]
- What?!
- On Broadway?!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my gosh! Thank you!
- That's so cool! Thank you!
- Oh, you're welcome.
- Thanks, Mom.
Come here. [KISSES] Happy Hanukkah.
- Oh, my God, Broadway!
- Broadway!
- ANN: I'm so excited!
- Oh, me too, sweetie.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING, FADES OUT]
Beth, look at you.
You look like a little angel,
despite your white lady shenanigans.
[SIGHS]
I miss my mom.
I know, I know.
But she's here. You know?
I mean, if she was here,
she would be driving me insane,
making it all about herself.
Huh, so it's hereditary.
I know, I know. I'm
sorry. Listen. [SIGHS]
That's the beauty of
dead people, you know?
They're not here to drive us crazy,
so all we're left with is the love.
And look at you. Smile. [LAUGHS]
You're swimmin' in that shit.
Yeah. Yeah.
- I am.
- Okay.
Write your vows. You good?
Yeah. I'm, I'm, I'm not
worried about my vows.
I'm worried about John's vows.
- Girl.
- Yeah.
- You worry about keeping Jen and
- Yes, Jen and Jess.
I told Jess I'ma break my
foot off in her ass, okay?
Okay, good. Would we be friends
with them if we met them right now?
- Hell no, girl.
- No! Yeah.
And listen, we'll talk
about you ruinin' my trip,
but not today. Today, I got you. [SIGHS]
BETH: Alright, thank you.
[EXHALES]
There's the beauty! Put
this tip jar down here.
Well, let's get you wedding ready.
Okay. Who's gonna do my makeup?
I am, baby doll!
- And my hair?
- Also me!
Okay. Um, there's no mirror here.
Yeah, Ricky stole it. That's
okay, we don't need it.
Alright. Um, I brought a reference photo
- that I would like you to sort of emulate.
- Oh, okay.
Just a little picture for inspo.
- FLORA: We can do it.
- I really wanna wow John.
- I invented the wow, right? [LAUGHS]
- Okay, yeah.
- But that's wowsy. Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah.
Oh, just so you know,
I have trichotillomania,
so I'm missing some hair.
Don't worry. There are
no spiders in here, okay?
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
That's an interesting dress, Meri.
Oh, thank you so much!
Hey. Where did you go last night?
You, like, disappeared.
Don't worry about it. How's your leg?
It hurts. The doctor only gave
me ibuprofen, so I'm just kinda
MATT: Here.
- [PILL BOTTLE RATTLING]
- Take one of these.
- What is it?
- Trust me.
- Um, that Okay.
- Oh!
A few for me.
Cheers.
♪
[INAUDIBLE CHATTER]
[JAZZ SONG ENDS]
Is Mommy coming?
BETH: No, Dad.
Are you ready?
BETH: I am.
Ya look ready.
I got good news and bad news.
The good news is, ya look
gorgeous! Like a model.
The bad news is, your groom took off.
[QUIET STREET NOISE]
Hey.
- Hey.
- [SIGHS]
Do you have a phone?
I wanna look at myself.
There's no mirror in there.
- No.
- You're sweating.
I was playing basketball.
I'm just finishing my vows.
I guess that's why I'm
feeling, I guess, nervous.
Yeah, talking in front of a
room full of people, that's
- Of course, you're nervous.
- No, it's not that.
It's just I just, I just
have a lot of feelings for you.
I just hope that I covered them all.
[SIGHS]
So, I walk down the aisle by myself
and I stand there waiting for you?
We could do something different.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR CREAKING]
[BETH SIGHS]
Uh, do I look okay?
Well, it's too late.
[BRIDAL CHORUS BY RICHARD
WAGNER PLAYING ON PIANO]
Rabbi!
Surprise! [LAUGHS]
John wanted there to be a Jewish element
since we're doing this in a, uh,
chandelier store or something. Ugh.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- [FLY BUZZING]
- Well, anyway, we are live!
- [CAMERA RECORDING BEEP]
That's right, people. I promised you a
big one right after that Goldberg bris.
Well, here it is.
Beth and John, they're gonna do it.
Yeah, that's right.
This chat is on fire.
I can see the comments. Keep 'em comin'.
Ezra, unmute me.
And remember, you can always
follow me on my podcast, and
C-Can we, can we skip
ahead to our vows?
Oh, skip ahead? There's a whole
ceremony, but what the hey?
- Okay.
- Hit it.
Beth,
I know you like
when I say your name,
so I'll make sure to say it a lot. Beth.
[SOFT LAUGH]
Since we met, you have challenged me
to be a better person
and a better partner.
But at the same time, I've
never felt more like myself.
I don't always know the best
way to express my love for you,
but marrying you seems like one way.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
Your beauty is effortless.
Usually.
I'm a farmer, Beth.
And soon, our family will grow.
That's what I do best.
Beth you are my favorite
person in the world.
I love you.
Love from John.
Uh, and, uh.
Oh! Cool.
I just gonna put it on. [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS] That was
beautiful. It was so good.
That was, like, way better
than I thought it was gonna be.
- [BIRD CHIRPING]
- Um.
- [PAPER CRINKLING]
- Uh, I,
- [BIRD CHIRPING]
- um.
Um. [SIGHS]
That was just, like, a lot better
than I thought it was gonna be.
[LOUD CHIRPING]
Is there anything we
can do about the birds?
You paid for 'em.
They're in the package.
- Right.
- [PAPER CRINKLING]
Um.
Ugh. This is stupid. I'm just gonna
speak from the heart. John,
[GENTLE PIANO CONTINUES]
every rose
has
[FLY BUZZING]
It, um, [LOUD CHIRPING]
its thorn.
Just like every
[CHIRPING] It's like.
[WEAKLY SINGING, ACCENTED]
Every cowboy ♪
Sings a sad, sad song ♪
- Poison.
- Every rose ♪
Ah, ah, ah, ah! No singing!
Oh.
Sorry, I-I don't know what
the fuck I'm saying. I just
Uh, everybody's asking why it's so fast,
but it's just because I can't wait
another second to be your wife.
♪
I love you.
- Here's your ring. I don't know.
- Oh, thanks.
With the understanding that as his wife,
you will honor and obey him,
and bear him many, many
children for Hashem
- Um, no.
- RABBI: Okay, then.
I hope you guys are still with me
because even though it's
a little dry right now,
I'm gonna funny this up
later on on the podcast.
Alright, with the power vested in me
by the hottest temple on Long Island
That's right! Central
Synagogue, you rock!
I now pronounce you man and wife.
[LAUGHING] You may kiss the bride.
- Aww.
- [APPLAUSE]
Let's hear it, everybody! Mazel tov!
[ALL CHEERING]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUFFLED CHEERING]
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
- I didn't even know you played.
- [STOPS PLAYING]
I'm a man who has many secrets.
[SOFT LAUGH]
[RESUMES PLAYING PIANO]
- [STOPS PLAYING]
- I kinda can't, like I need to
Oh, sorry. Yeah. You do you.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
It's so easy.