Little Britain (UK) s02e02 Episode Script

Britain, Britain, Britain! What an absolutely terrific place to live! We have no crime here, and why? It's not because we hang, draw and quarter people for parking violations or disembowel litter louts.
No, it's because of the people of Britain.
They are the bestest, goodliest people on God's fair Earth! And it is these everyday folksters that we look at for a bit today.
Keep it real.
Morning! Afternoon! Emily and Florence are transvestites.
Some people are intolerant of transvestism, but live and let live, I say.
Everyone is equal and deserves the same rights, apart from lezzers.
Oh, now, let me do the talking.
Oh, aren't these ladies' dresses delightful, my lady friend? Yes, Emily.
This one's very you, I think.
Hello.
Can I help you, ladies? Oh! Hello.
Yes, I am getting married and I would like to purchase a dress, please.
- For your fiancée? - No, for me.
I am a lady.
Oh, yes.
And we require a bridesmaid's dress for my young lady friend here, Florence.
Yes, I'm ever so excited.
I've never been a bridesmaid before.
I'm only 15, you see.
- What sort of dress are you looking for? - A lady's dress that ladies wear.
White, of course, with frilly bitsand shit.
- This one is very nice.
- Excuse me.
Elizabeth! - Yes? - Have we got any of the Marie Antoinettes? What size? One to fit a man.
A large man.
(ELIZABETH) I don't think so.
I'll have a look in the stock room.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - Oh, and any bridesmaid's outfits! For a short, fat blokewith a moustache.
(EMILY) Oh! (DEEP VOICE) I can't get this bloody thing on! Ladies' noises.
Oh, Emily, you look simply divine! This man I'm marrying will be so pleased.
- How's the fit? - It's perfect.
- I'm normally an eight and this is a ten, so - If you're sure.
Quite sure.
I'll just go and pop my clothes back on.
- Pretty as a peach.
- Oh! Britain is a democracy where any citizen can become Prime Minister, as long as they've got a degree and aren't black.
Today, the Prime Minister is having a very important summit with the American President.
I hear what you say, but I think what you're proposing is an abuse of our friendship.
Look, there are no half measures.
Either you are with the United States on this or you are against us.
I think we'll have to take advice from the United Nations because I refuse to be bullied into making a snap decision.
The United Nations can go to hell! If you want the special relationship with our country to continue, you have to start delivering! Before you rush into anything, perhaps you'd like to see what the British intelligence has to say.
And perhaps you'd like to see what the CIA has gathered.
Sebastian, could you get the document for the President, please? Yes, Prime Minister.
I'll get it right now, Prime Minister.
Marvin, can you get the CIA files for the Prime Minister, please? Yes, sir, Mr President, sir! My Prime Minister is much better than your President! Mr President's big and powerful.
Your Prime Minister sucks! - How dare you! - Get your hands off me! Get your hands off me! - What on earth is going on? - (BOTH TALK AT ONCE) That's enough! - He was the one who started it.
- Enough! Mr President, we have to go to the photo call.
This behaviour is completely inappropriate.
You're making a difficult situation a lot worse.
Let me handle this.
You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
Two senior aides acting like a pair of third graders! You're an embarrassment! (BOTH) Ooh! Mrs DeVere has been staying at Hill Grange Health Spa for five months now and has so far lost nearly an ounce.
Mrs DeVere! Oh, Mrs DeVere, I need to speak to you about this unpaid bill.
Mrs DeVere! Hurry up! Good morning! - Hello, Baz.
Hello, Mrs Papadopoulos.
- Mrs DeVere! My turn now, darling.
Quickly, off! Thank you.
- Mrs DeVere! - Call me Bubbles.
- Can I have a word? - Can't you see I'm on the solari bed, darling? I need to resolve this payment situation.
You owe us nearly £20,000 now.
I will discuss this with you as soon as I'm done, darling.
Mrs DeVere, you've been under there for over three hours now.
All right, darling.
Will you excuse me for a moment, please, Mr Hutton? I am a little bit on fire.
Today, Lou is taking his friend Andy to a local pub.
No.
Do I look all right? - Andy? - Yeah.
Now, you know I've been seeing a lot more of Anya recently since she got her visa through.
I want you two to get to know each other, all right? - Yeah, I know.
- Oh, here she is.
- (POLISH ACCENT) Hello, Lou.
- Hello, Anya.
- May I say you are looking lovely? - Oh! There we are.
This is Anya who I was telling you about.
Hello.
I'm Anya.
- Yeah, I know.
- Take a seat.
Now, let me get everybody a drink.
Anya, what would you like? - Pint of bitter, please.
- ''Pint of bitter, please.
'' - Erm, Andy? - Don't want nothin'.
Now, don't be silly.
What do you want? A pint and another one.
OK.
Won't be a mo.
So, Andy Lou tells me a lot about you.
He is a very nice man, isn't he? I like him very much.
Oh, my goodness! What happened? She pushed me.
No! You evil Pole! Being at university is a very harsh basket with students having to attend anything up to one lecture a term.
- I'm sure I can finish it by the end of the week.
- When's it due in? Today.
I'll ring Martin and see.
Hello, Martin, it's Linda.
Yep, I've got a student here.
Needs an extension on her feminist poetry essay.
It's Joanna Harding.
Jo Harding.
Er, how can I describe her? Quite short hair, a few piercings.
Wears a lot of black, combat trousers.
That's right, the big, fat lesbian.
Yeah.
Friday will be fine.
Meanwhile, in Little Bentcock, Dr Lawrence is showing Dr Beagrie how one of his patients, Anne, is getting on in her new job.
Of an evening when it's still light, we encourage Anne to leave the hospital and work here.
Watch this.
No, it's very quiet today.
Call you back later.
- Hello, Anne.
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh! Can I have a pair of size-nine bowling shoes, please? Eh! Eh! Ehhh! Eh! No, size-nine bowling shoes, please, Anne.
Eh! Eh! Ehhh! Thank you very much, Anne.
See you later.
FatFighters is a very valuable organisation which offers help and support to those who are serious about losing weight, like these fat bastards.
Eighteen stone five.
You've put on again, haven't you? - Oh, dear, it's not easy, is it? - No.
See, your problem is, Tanya, you're fat and old.
It's harder.
And there's no man, is there? You're on your own.
- Yes, my husband left me.
- Well, he would've done.
Younger woman, weren't it? 49, yeah.
So, you're on your own now every night crying and eating.
Yes.
Well, at least you've got all of us here at FatFighters to make you feel better.
Off you pop.
Oh, she stinks an' all! Pat, you're next.
Pat.
Pat, Pat.
- Fatty Patty boom-boom! - Oh, seventeen stone two.
Oh, no! You've gone up an' all.
Two pounds! - I was doing so well.
- Don't matter.
I like something to hold on to.
- Sorry, what was that? - It was a joke.
We've started seeing each other.
Eugh! Eugh! - How long's this been going on? - Couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks? Eugh! Mind you, in a way, it does make sense, two fatties together.
Yeah, you do often get that, fat on fat.
Maybe we shall have our first FatFighters' wedding.
In English, if you are gonna say anything.
How does the mechanics of your lovemaking work? Do you have to use a winch or do you have a system of weights and pulleys? - What kind of question's that? - No, I don't wanna know.
But when you do get two fatties together, or fat love, they often do pile it on.
Do you see? There's no incentive because they're both fat.
Yeah, well, I think she's lovely.
That's not helping her.
I've said it before and I'll say it again.
Pat is morbidly obese.
In fact, I've only ever seen one person fatter than Pat and that was Barbapapa.
The kindest thing is to chuck her and tell her to give you a call when she's lost a few stone.
- Thanks, Marjorie.
- That's no problem, Pat.
I'm only thinking of you.
I really care about you because you are now really an enormous, fat pig.
Paul, you're next.
Over in Llandewi Breffi, devoted homosexualist Dafydd Thomas is taking part in a village fete.
- Hello, Dafydd.
- Good afternoon.
Oh! How much are your poppers? - This is a gay stall for gays only.
- My grandson's gay.
It's probably just a phase.
Hello, Mrs Williams.
Lovely flowers in the church.
Thank you.
My pleasure, Vicar.
Oh, have you met Dafydd? - I don't think I have.
- Dafydd Thomas, the only gay in the village.
Hello.
I'm Glyn, the new vicar.
What would the church make of my gay stall? I'm not moving.
I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it! It's wonderful that you're here.
I want to bring more gay people from the village into the church.
''Gay person.
'' - Do these butt plugs come with batteries? - Put that down! A gay stall! Isn't that lovely, darling? - Hello, I'm the verger.
- What was that? We're a couple.
We met at my last parish.
And you had to come here! I don't know why I bother! It's a cause for celebration.
You're gay, we're gay.
- I shall write to the bishop.
- Don't bother.
He's gay.
- Actually, he's bi.
- Whatever happened to religious homophobia? Oh, it's all change, dear.
Oh, this would be very nice for the archdeacon! - Oh, yes.
Have you got one in black? -That's disgusting! Right, I'm off! - Where are you going? - I can't stay! - What's the matter? - I'm the only gay in this village! I've said it before, Vicar, and I'll say it again.
What that boy needs is a nice big cock up his arse! Look, if you could ask, I'd really appreciate it.
OK, I'll see what I can do.
Martin, it's Linda.
I've got a student here who needs the rest of the week off.
Personal reasons.
Mum's ill.
Yeah, it's Kenneth Lao.
Erm, how can I describe him? He's got straight black hair, yellowish skin.
Slight smell of soy sauce.
That's it, the ching-chong Chinaman.
OK.
He says that's fine.
At this restaurant in Harlot, Harvey and Jane's parents are meeting each other for the first time.
.
.
in raising a toast to Harvey and Jane.
- Harvey and Jane.
- Harvey and Jane.
To us.
Certainly got our work cut out for September.
Shall I see if the golf club's free for the reception? - Thank you.
That'd be great.
- Still hungry.
- We'll have something when you get back.
- Hungry.
When our eldest daughter got married, she decided she wanted to have it in a very small village church.
- Bitty.
- No, darling.
The church only held a hundred and she wanted - Bitty! - Not bitty now, bitty later.
Mum has a list of some people she'd like to invite.
Yes, we've got some family in New Zealand.
- Bitty! - Darling, you've just had pudding! Bitty, bitty! Excuse me.
You were saying? Oh, well We were just saying that we cando that list.
- Coffee? - Oh, lovely.
- Are you having coffee, son? - No, thanks, Daddy.
I'm fine with milk.
Hard, isn't it? All these relatives you see once a year - bloody bores! And you feel you have to invite them.
Yes.
- They never do bring enough.
- Oh, let me.
Oh, sorry! - There.
- Now (SLURPS) Oh, lovely! So, do you follow the cricket? Banks in Britain are extremely popular.
In fact, there's nothing I like more than a jolly good bank.
- How old is he? - Go on, tell the nice lady.
- Nearly six.
- Nearlysix.
He's got some money from his uncle and wants to open a bank account.
Well, we do have a Junior Saver Account.
You get a free Percy Piggy Bank.
- Oink, oink! - Oh, lovely! And you get entered into a prize draw to win a free trip to EuroDisney.
Oh, I think he'd like to open one of these, please.
Wouldn't you? Computer says no.
(COUGHS) It's a school day, so Vicky Pollard has taken herself off to the park.
Hi, Carl.
- Hi, um - Vicky.
Move, actually! So, uh Are you going down Kelly's party later? - Might do.
- I'll go with you, yeah? - If I go, I'll go with Bethany.
- You always try to get off with my boyfriend! Oh, my God, I so can't believe you just said that! Like when I threw Sunita's Nokia in the canal and she's like, ''You've got to buy me another one!'' I'm like, ''Get over it!'' Then Paul stirred it up, saying I fancied Mark Benny.
Just because I have sex with someone doesn't mean I fancy him! Everyone's jealous since I saw Christina Aguilera on the bus.
- You never saw her.
- I did! You're such a liar! Stop trying to get off with my boyfriend! Eugh! Don't be disgusting! Why would I fancy him? Eugh, mingin'! He's well gay, anyway! Rochelle said you told her you well fancy him.
Did you? No but, yeah but, no but, I didn't and Rochelle's well gonna get beatings now for saying that! What about the time she didn't go to Sunita's house 'cause her dad was ill? All he had was a brain haemorrhage! Carl does fancy me because he passed me a note in metalwork, saying he wanted to touch my Forest of Dean.
Piss off! Don't worry! I was going anyway, you pair of total lesbo spackers! If I see either of you again, you're both dead! Can you give me a hand up, please? Thanks.
I'm more confident on the roads.
Jeremy Rent is an actors' agent.
I haven't heard from my agent for many years, but then she is hopelessly dead.
Lovely.
So that's a confirmed booking for my client Melvyn Hayes to appear as Buttons in ''Cinderella'' at the Harlequin Theatre, Red Hill, this Christmas.
Oh, yes, the fee.
How does £200 a week sound? Well, I'm sorry, but I can't afford to pay you any more.
Goodbye! (FLY BUZZES) - Dennis Waterman to see you.
- Lovely.
Send him in.
Hello! - Hello, Den! - Hot today, isn't it? - Yes, it's sweltering.
- I brought you a can of pop.
That's very kind.
Do you need a hand bringing it in? Oh, no, I'll be fine.
(FLY BUZZES) Ohhhh! Uhhhh! Thank you very much.
Oh, lovely, thank you.
I've had a call from the people at Birds Eye.
- (BUZZING) - Is there a fly in here? - Don't worry, it won't hurt you.
- Aaagh! - Oh! Oh! - Ignore it.
It'll fly away.
They're making new adverts and they want you to be Captain Birds Eye.
So, they want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune? - They've already got a song.
- Yeah, I know it.
# They're bigger than most and tastier Do-do-do, do-do # That's why I'm the Captain of the Fishfinger Do-do-do, do-do # They're called fishfingers But they're not fingers of fish # 'Cause fish actually have fins # Oh, dear.
Very hot today, isn't it? Well, why don't you try this? Ohhh! Ohhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! - (KNOCKING) - Come in Oh, hello, Paul.
Hi.
I have the form here.
I just need the head of department to sign it.
Take a seat.
I'll just see if he's in his office.
Hello, Martin.
It's Linda.
I've Paul Roberts here.
Needs you to sign his grant application form.
You know Paul.
Everyone knows Paul.
Shoulder-length brown hair, wears a lot of jewellery.
Looks up a lot.
Gets his clothes from Mothercare.
That's it, the ''oompa loompa''.
He says go straight up.
# Oompa, loompa, doompity do # It's nought o'clock and at this shop in Phlegm, Mr Man is looking for a video.
I watched a video once.
It was called ''Memorex E-180''.
It was rather dull.
- Actually, I was just about to close - It won't take long.
What is it you're looking for? I'd like to rent a film starring Chevy Chase and Rick Moranis as undercover cops who pose as rappers in order to foil a drug deal, certificate 15.
Oh.
I don't think I know that film.
Margaret knows all the films.
One moment.
Margaret! Margaret! Yes? A gentleman here wants to know if we've got a video starring Chevy Chase and Rick Moranis as undercover cops who pose as rappers to foil a drug deal.
- Certificate 15.
- Certificate 15.
- Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, she doesn't know.
It actually ends up with them having to take part in a rap competition.
It is very amusing.
- What's it called? - You know what it's called? - No.
- No! - Oh.
- Oh.
- I don't know what to suggest.
- Is he sure the film exists? - Are you sure the film exists? - No.
No! But it is the film I would like to see tonight.
Right.
Well, I'm not sure it's been made, so I don't think you'll be able to watch it tonight.
It's OK, I'll wait.
- You'llyou'll wait? - Yes, until it's been made.
Well, here's an idea.
How about we let you know the moment it comes in? Yes, the moment, please.
I'm a very busy man.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) (CONTINUES RINGING) Hello? Can I call you back? I'm just in the middle of something.
Today in Pox, their Women's Association is playing host to their local Conservative MP.
I love the Conservatives.
They're my favourite political party.
After Labour and the Liberal Democrats.
Thank you so much for talking to us today.
I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
It's important to have the support of you ladies.
- Fancy a vol-au-vent? - Oh, yes, please.
Hmm, that's delicious! Did you make them yourselves? - Yes.
- You must give me the recipe.
Well, actually, it's one of Ainsley Harriott's.
Bleu-eu-eugh! You really must come and speak to us again.
Yes.
If you enjoy the smell of dung and being shouted at by farmers, why not spend a day in the countryside? - Isn't the countryside lovely, Andrew? - It's boring.
But I thought you said you love the countryside.
You said that the natural world had a sublime beauty, unrivalled by anything man-made.
- Yeah, I know.
- Nowwhere are we exactly? This is boring.
I wanna go home! The trouble is, I think we're a bit lost.
Let me just ask this lady.
Excuse me, love.
I think we're a bit lost.
Do you know the way to Taplow Farm? Uh One moment.
- Hello, Mr Horse.
- Good boy.
Right, let's have a look.
- Taplow Farm is quite a way.
- It's there on the map.
I thought we were near it.
- We're the yellow line marked here.
- I thought we were coming along this way And so we conclude our journey around Little Britain.
Tonight's programme has ended a little sooner than usual because I need to do a poo now.
Good bye-bye!