Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s02e02 Episode Script

Finally, I don't wanna wrap this up without thanking our non-muslim neighbors.
After all, you can't have an outreach event without the support of the community.
Though apparently we, just did.
Best outreach ever Amar.
We didn't get any visitors.
Exactly my point.
- Hey, excuse me, are you the - Imam? Yes, welcome to Mercy's mosque.
Did you enjoy the sermon? Oh, no, I just showed up, I didn't want to sit through all the So, I'm Dave Sharp, I'm station manager, Channel 96.
I didn't know Mercy had a cable access channel.
Yeah, we get that a lot.
Anyway, we were wondering if you wanted to host the show for us.
Here's the concept.
Something to do with muslims.
Something to do with muslims, what a concept.
Also the working title.
What do you say? You wanna come on the thing and do something - Muslimish? - I can do muslim-ish.
Actually, this could be very important, you know it's brave of you to be doing a show like this, - giving our, political climate.
- Right.
Also, we have ethnic quarter and our jewish dude quit.
Well, I'm flattered.
Flattered-ish.
Little mosque on the prarie s02e02 : Public Access // #freelance subs transcript/synch : [dx.]
Hey, I've heard the news, Mr "TV star".
Well, "TV star" media personnality maybe.
??? I guess "TV star".
So Amar, what's your angle for the show? You know, something to do with muslims.
Wow, that sounds really vague.
If I may, as a PR professionnal, I know a thing or two about TV that What's your "grab factor"? Measured thoughtful prospectives on Islam and modern spirituality in a relaxed accessible atmosphere.
That is not really a "grab factor".
Yeah, unless you're grabbing for the remote.
I appreciate your imput, sort of, but, I've been on network television.
I think I can handle public access.
When where you on network television? Oh yeah, you're a regular Regis Philbin.
Hey, no way Regis could have caught that ball.
I hate that Kelly Parker.
Really? I just want her hair.
- She dyes it.
- No way! - I could totally do yours for you.
- Are you kidding? My dad would freak if colored my hair.
He freaks when I start ??? it.
No I'm talking a subtle highlight, he won't even notice.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you guys? - Good.
I hate that Kelly Parker.
No one ever seems to hate me like that.
OK let's try it.
This feels wrong to me.
Oh we don't have the budget for a new set.
Then it'll be.
Yeah but, don't you think it's a bit confusing? Because the actual it's not a because it says Salam aleikum, hello, and welcome to Islamic horizons.
Err yeah.
This is a new kind of spiritual program.
Why? Because I'm not here to talk at you, I'm here to talk, with you.
Let's get a little more comfortable, shall we? Islam is a religion supported by Islam is a Islam Islam, is a religion supported by pillars.
Not unlike the legs of the chair I'm sitting in.
I'm supposed to be sitting for this I hope we're not leaving it in for too long.
It's bleach, you can't leave it in for too long.
Yes you can.
Seriously? You should go.
Maybe you should practice on a doll of something.
You really need to not be here right now.
And that is why, I'd like to chances for the rough riders this season.
Finally, that's wrapped Please join us next time for Islamic Horizons.
What was that? You told me it was a thirty minute show.
For today, I meant sixty.
Reverend Magee.
- Did you catch the show? - Oh, w-was that show on today? I sent you an email about it.
Plus you said "good luck for the show" before I left to the station.
Well you know I don't get that channel with my cable package.
I don't really watch TV.
I don't have a TV.
Gotta go.
- Salam aleikum brother Baber.
- Waleikum salam.
I saw your television program on my TV.
You did? What did you think? Because some people are being a bit not committed.
I'll commit, it was terrible.
Really? I mean I know I was stretching a bit at the end.
You was stretching at the beginning.
- You didn't think it was enlightening? - I think it was endarkening.
I think you're a little bit out of your idiom.
You're an idiom, you can't talk ??? an entire hour and expect people to listen.
It's not different from what I do here at the mosque.
You said it, not me.
It's OK Brandy, I think I found my way around the problem.
Gotta go.
Al Hamdoulillah! Finally! You're wearing the hidjab! Well you kept asking me to wear one, I thought I might give it a ???.
I am so proud of you! - Tonight, we dine out.
- We should stay, we paid for the house, we might as well use it.
Nonsense! How is anyone going to know that you've finally embraced your modesty unless we show you off, huh? Come, come, come Oh great, I wanted to talk to you.
I thought this would happen, you were right to come to me.
TV can be a cruel business.
Actually I wanted to talk to Rayyan.
Just like I said, you need the grab, the go, the gotcha.
Listen, would you be a guess on my next show? Oh, I don't know, TV's not my thing.
The beep, the bop, the bang.
Obviously it would be a one time deal.
The shim, sham, shuffle, the rabulunchbox.
The old spin that shnouzer.
And what would you spin in your shnouzer? Would you do it? OK I'll come on your show.
But only so I don't hve to watch it.
Yeah, my baby's gonna be on TV! What do you think? Can see wear hidjab or what? Dad! Everybody say goodbye to Leila's ear, they are gone for good! Well I think it's a lovely hidjab Leila.
You look like a big, grown up, m What is going on here? Nothing I just though it was time to embrace my hair Cover up your horrible dye-job.
OK look, you can't say anything to my dad.
Leila, to your father this is a serious, important matter.
When you'll stop wearing it, he'd be devastated.
Sure so you're not going to say anything, right? In my days, public access TV meant one or two things.
Fat chicks doing yoga or at christmas time, ??? But this dog's breakfast I've seen Al Quaeda videos with a better production value.
And not only that folks, but you know, the title says "mosque", but the backdrop screams synagogue.
How do we know that you jews and you muslims have formed some sort of unholy alliance, huh? It wouldn't be the first time Well, maybe it would, but still -- Sounds to me that you need a new backdrop, brother Amar.
There's no budget for a new set.
That is why, I will build you one, for nothing.
Nothing nothing or Yasir nothing? Nothing, of course, as de facto I sponsor the program, I'll merely require a tasteful"thank you credit" at the top of the show.
I'm not sure it's appropriate for a show on Islam.
It's opposed to ??? ? OK, how about a credit at the end of the show? - Deal.
- Great.
Here's what I was thinking, how about a CNN type - I like it.
- with sliding panels and it comes up - On a television set.
- All right.
- Wow, nice set.
- Thank you.
Is it just me or is this slightly less elaborated than what we discussed.
It's a work in progress.
But you said consider it done.
Which you're not doing, so if anyone's not holding up the end of the bargain, it's you.
"Hamoudi Contracting"? You didn't mention this is part of the deal.
Oh did I mention I was sweeping up sour dust at 7AM this morning? Hi, am I wearing too much mascara? I think I'm wearing too much mascara.
Hum, I can't even tell that you're wearing mascara.
Oh my god, I'm not wearing enought mascara.
Ten seconds.
Listen, don't be nervous, just relax.
- Enjoy the ride.
- OK, I'll try.
And three, two Salam aleikum, welcome again to Islamic Horizons.
My tongue! Hi, I'm Rayyan Hamoudi, Today on the show we take a closer look at the everyday lives of muslims.
Seriously it hurts.
See? I told you it'll look good.
I never said it'll look bad.
I just said my dad would freak.
- So did he? - ??? ??? ??? Whenever I'm at home I'm wearing a headscarf.
He's never been happier.
Check it out, here comes little misss "look me".
I like your new streaks.
Oh my God, she's so nice.
Yeah.
It can be difficult in this moder age to set aside the time or find the money to make the pilgrimage to Mecca.
We're also busy.
Yes, but Taking the Hajj is a central tenement of our faith.
- Tenet.
- What? It's "tennet of our faith", you said tenement.
Were you actually talking about a ??? buildings.
And that's all the time we had for today.
Wait, I get to say So thank you for joining us today, on Islamic Horizons.
- Wasalama.
- But first, - My final thought of the day --é - And we're clear.
For the love of crackers.
You, you were good.
And I'm talking, not "public access good".
Do you want to be a permanent host? - I accept.
- Guys guys guys We just need one host.
OK then just Rayyan can do it.
OK no, two is good.
And then Amar said "oh oh oh, I've burn my tongue".
Poor Amar, is he OK? I think you're missing the point of the story.
You know Leila You don't have to wear the hidjab here at home.
I'm just getting used to it, I'll take it off later.
??? ??? maybe you should put it in the washer.
Good idea, daddy.
- Thanks for the ride.
- Bye bye, have a nice day.
There you go.
Miss celebrity.
Who would have thought I would know such a great TV star.
- What about me? - Yeah, yeah, you know Rayyan too.
Thanks Fatima.
Hey, keep those cards and letters coming.
- You got cards and letters.
- Not really, a couple emails though.
Half a dozen, tops.
Something's wrong? No, of course not.
Just wished you'd check in with me before you agreed to co-host.
Well I didn't know I needed your blessing.
Not blessing, more my permission.
There she is.
You were perfect yesterday sweetie, just perfect.
Oh my you.
Although, you might wanna think about sitting on the left.
It'll show off your better side.
Oh, I didn't know I had a worst side.
Yeah, oh and also sweetie, just something to watch out for, you popped a lot of your peas.
She never takes it off at home and yet, I suspect that she's not wearing it elsewhere.
Today at school, she kept waiting for me to leave.
I am always waiting for you to leave.
What is she hiding under there? Is it pierced ears, a hickey? A hickey piercing.
Stop it you foolish man.
She only coloured her hair.
What? My little girl has ??? her hair like a common trolley? Don't do something stupid about this.
It is my duty to do something stupid.
- Salam aleikum.
- Waleikum salam.
About this morning, I was, stupid.
And what's changed since lunch? I mean I'm glad that you're Just to say I realize you bring a certain thing.
To the wole thing.
There, I said it.
I'm not sure you did, but Appology accepted.
You are a large The logo again, no.
I'm sorry I didn't bring a medium.
I think he's saying no to the cap in general.
So, it's agreed we start with the hat to see how it goes.
I didn't bring one because you're the star.
Twenty seconds! Well to a non muslim, it may seem excessive, to pray five times a week.
I mean a day.
Yes but they are viewing Salat as an in -- -- terruption, hang on.
Yes.
It's important to be conscious of always remember, err, I don't nose? Nose? No.
Circles, giant circles, what? And, we're out.
Why do I even bother, having a bother today? OK, I don't wanna be a negative Normand here, but that wasn't one of your better efforts.
- Yeah.
- Wait, what about a calling show? - I like it.
- I can be the producer.
- It works for me.
- Yeah! Is it me? Or does that guy make a lot of snap decisions? - Again, thanks for the ride, dad.
- You're very welcome.
Here I am, at the door, I think I can take it from here.
Of course you can, you're a very smart girl.
Smart, clever, cunning girl.
- I'm gonna do the door-thing now.
- OK.
Off you go, with your friends and your hidjab.
All right, why are you here? Hello children, I am your guest speaker today.
I'm an economist, who can tell me what that is? You there, in the lovely traditionnal head covering.
No? Well let me explain.
Economics has off course Leila? I love your scarf, where did you get it? Economics is a broad canvas, limited Oh oh now, remember honey, you have to look in the camera, but not at it.
I don't even know what that means.
You cannot have a calling show without a phone, and you cannot have a phone - without a pedestal.
- Yes but how does that explain the set? Someone had to pay for the pedestal.
OK, let's go back to the phone.
Go ahead caller, you're on the air.
I've installed a pump in my basement and I think it may have clogged.
Again, and I can't straight this enough, we're looking for Islam-related questions.
Islam.
Yes? - Go ahead.
- I'm a practising muslim, Great, what's on your mind? I think I have ??? on the ??? of my house Wait a second.
??? is a very serious problem and at Hamoudi Construction, we can build you a new deck, at a surprisingly affordable price.
I can't believe you're coming to my school and humiliate me.
My daughter, whatever do you mean? Is there something that you've been keeping from your classmates? Yes, you! Oh stop it! I know you only wear the hidjab at home to cover your hair paint.
So you knew about this and you didn't tell me? Yes.
This is a nightmare.
Who knew that television could be so humiliating? Yeah, who knew? Hey you guys, So listen, I've figured out a way to kick up the energy on the show.
You'll have your very own dog pound, you know like Arsenio.
You gotta admit it, take ??? ??? with Arsenio.
No, no studio audience mom.
I'm the producer honey.
Oh, by the way, we're going to ninety minutes daily.
If only there was a way to sink this thing.
The insolence, I am taking away your internet, your telephone, And, haha, possibly your postage stamps.
Once again, I shall repeat a list of the thing that I hate.
Decadence, western decadence, the devil, and poorly designed cricket bats! Okay, we're gonna get a lot of calls about this.
I'm pulling the plug.
Yeah, I'm pulling the plug.
Enough, you do not have to wear the hijab anymore.
It is more important to me that your head has honest thoughts inside.
You're not gonna take it off? Well I decided to wear it for a little while, Kelly said it looked cool.
What? That girl that was next you with the pushup brazier and the belly button? A lot of girls in our class have belly buttons.
- Leila.
- Fine.
- You are a good girl.
- Bye.
Bye bye.
- Salam aleikum.
- Waleikum salam.
What brings you around? I don't know, I just had some time to kill I guess.
You miss the show, don't you? I think my fifteen minutes of fame was fourteen too long.
I wonder how they'd replaced us.
And that's children, how you make a lovely goat curry.
And how better, to enjoy your meal than in a custom built kitchen designed by Hamoudi Construct -- No, it's not worth it.
Don't turn the camera off, you can still see the sign.