Lopez (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

1 This may sound condescending, but I think it's cute the way that Manolo has taken Hector under his wing.
I don't like the kid already.
He's too damn good looking.
However, I do like the new digs.
Spanish style, like yourself, but it's missing something, George.
Man, it's missing the kid.
This house is so big, it feels empty.
You know, Cuba's so far away and Damn, George, now you got me missing my kids.
God! I thought you were gonna take a trip and go see 'em.
I was, but I realized after you quit our job, I needed to find a new one quickly.
All right.
Well, I'm getting together with Olly to go over the new one-hour show, so So, I'ma stay here and eat your food and order the UFC fight on pay-per-view because you still feel guilty about Fair enough.
What are you really feeling about it? It is exciting going out on my own.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
Yes, you are, because you just did.
We go way back, so I'm gonna be completely honest with you.
- Oh, please don't.
- You were fired and only one client came with you.
Yeah, but that client is George Lopez.
I mean, perhaps you've heard of him.
Yes, and I've also heard that he refuses to do the one thing people are willing to pay him a fortune to do.
Well, technically, that's true.
You still live at home.
Yes, but have you seen my Tesla? You're on your mom's phone plan.
Yes, because I'm not an idiot.
They don't make phone plans like that anymore.
Okay, this is all temporary.
I believe you.
Look, I don't know how you do it, but you always seem to end up on top of things.
I think it's the combination of a distant father and a not-distant-enough mother.
I always have something to prove.
Mmm.
Oh.
No, no, no, no.
Please.
ABC has got this.
We've had a good pilot season.
Well, if you insist.
And I have something else I need from ABC.
A meeting for George.
Ooh.
You know, sitcom season is over.
I know we say we go year-round, but But it's not a sitcom and it's really good and you won't regret it.
No.
Come on, you know how good George is in a room.
Olly, I can't.
Well, you owe me.
Remember Kevin? You're pulling Kevin? Well, I'm pulling whatever I have to pull.
Fine.
And at least one senior VP is in the room.
No.
Do you remember Kevin? - Sure.
- I'll tip.
- No.
Okay.
- Okay.
- No, you offered.
- No, I, yeah, no, it's fine, I'll - The prices went up here.
- Thank you.
You know, my new show has to have a cool title.
Like, something that tells people that it's different, like, right away.
- How about "Mexican PI"? - No, dude.
That's cheesy.
That's like '80s.
- Tom Selleck stuff.
- I love Tom Selleck.
If I owned my house, I would do one of his reverse mortgages.
Or else, I like the guy that sells the gold, the guy from "Knots Landing.
" - William Devane? - Oh, man! Hector! What the hell are you doing back there? Hey, what's Hector doing here? I told him to come along, jefe.
Hey, you can relax just by listening to Mr.
Lopez.
Call me George but don't jump out at me, dude.
- You scared the hell out of me.
- My bad, G.
- But hey, that new show sounds amazing.
- Oh, thanks.
Huh? Isn't that a sitcom? No, dude, it's like a gritty hour-long, you know, but relevant to today.
It kind of shows a different side of me.
It shows my acting chops like Bryan Cranston did with "Breaking Bad.
" - He was scary.
- Yeah, right? He was scary but he was sympathetic.
That's the key.
Keep it real, and I want to do it in the Valley.
Wait a minute, that could be the name, eh? Coming up next, "Valleys.
" Huh? That's hot.
"Valleys.
" I'll show Danny's dumb ass who's relevant.
"Valleys.
" So, George, look, I know the new show is not a comedy or anything, but how do you come up with all that crazy shit you do, huh? Weed? La mota? Right? I don't know.
Not a lot.
Just a little bit and then staying hydrated.
A lot of coconut water, like that.
Hey, jefe, if it's cool with you, I was gonna go get Hector settled in and come back when you need me to pick you up.
All right, that's cool.
You know, he's a great kid but he got off-track and he's got nobody.
Never had a dad around, just like us, so in prison, we kind of had each other's backs.
Gotta help him out, right? Give back.
That's good, Manolo.
I like that.
I'm proud of you, man.
Hey, Hector.
Good to meet you, man.
I'm sure I'll see you around.
Hey, and the weed is only like 10% of my funny, all right? So don't do drugs or any of those bath salt stuff.
He really is funny.
Let me do it, just organize it.
All right.
Thank you so much.
Hey, Olly, what's happening? You still work here or what? Hey, listen, I think I found the perfect title for my new show.
"Valleys.
" 'Cause it sets a tone, you know? And because we're doing it in the Valley, we can push up against a lot of the stereotypes but it's really about the lows.
"Valleys.
" Oh, I like it.
Do you play a cop or a PI? No, no, I'm an ex-cop and he's caught in a web of corruption and because it's real, we can shine a spotlight on the important issues in the Latino community.
Hmm.
Well, that's great, and I have some other great news for you.
My law degree finally proved useful.
I got you out of your Vegas contract.
- Wait a minute, you did? No lawsuits? - Nope.
- No damages? - Nope.
The only thing is, you can't perform standup during the length of the contract.
Wait a minute, I can't do standup? Well, you can if you go back to Vegas.
No, I don't want to do that.
Well, but I can do "Valleys," though, right? Yep.
I limited the non-compete to the area you were hired standup.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, I can deal with that.
Yeah, all right.
Good, 'cause I have some other good news for you.
What's that? I got you a meeting at ABC to pitch your show, "Valleys.
" Wait a minute.
ABC wants to hear "Valleys"? Oh, they were practically begging for the meeting.
- They were? - Mm-hmm.
All morning.
Wow.
Let's celebrate.
What am I doing drinking coffee? Hey, you got some tequila back here? [whistling.]
I don't ever want room for cream.
You give me all my damn coffee and I will drink it or I will pour it in the trash.
Just let me decide.
Here's how the companies get you.
- What's that? - Oh, it's my first podcast.
I have three hours.
I was thinking I should edit it, but it all sounds pretty damn good.
What up, G? Whoo! Love your steam shower, man.
The one in my room doesn't have nearly as much pressure or steam.
You should probably get that fixed.
Your room? This ain't a hotel.
[George.]
I didn't think you were charging him.
Well, it's not a flophouse, either.
But you said that we gotta help him.
I was agreeing with you, all right? You should be taking him under your wing.
He should be staying with you.
I don't have a wing.
I just got out of prison.
I'm sorry if I messed up, jefe, but Hector needs your help.
If you put him out on the street, he's just gonna go back to his old ways.
What do you mean, if I put him out on the street? I just wanted him to have a good influence, and you're the best influence I know.
Oh, that's right.
You were in prison.
Damn! Damn! I'm just saying, the kid needs your help, and you did say the place has been empty since Erica left.
[soccer game on TV.]
Buenas dias! School's tomorrow.
I'd better figure out what I'm gonna wear.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I gotta get you a backpack and some pencils and some of those pudding cups for your lunch.
[Sportscaster talking.]
Hey, Hector, you mind turning the TV off? We're trying to work.
[TV clicks off.]
Hey.
Hey, what'd you do to get thrown in jail, anyway? This last time? Receiving stolen property.
But it's not what it sounds like.
I was just holding some stuff for Enrique.
Hey, you know, Manolo, I was thinking about a character for "Valleys.
" Remember that badass drug dealer that lived off Glen Oaks? He had all the flashy cars and he had those fine women? He owned that chop shop? The dude was, like, handsome and scary but mysterious, - like he had it all.
- Oh, yeah, he was busted.
- No, he wasn't.
- And then killed in prison after being raped in prison.
Boy, I bet he wishes he had stayed clean.
No.
All right, then what about his sister? What about the sister who was the brains of the operation? She was fine, man.
She was hot.
Remember they found that body under her house? [laughing.]
Hey, dude, we gotta find you a job, man.
But I'm a felon.
Well, I know a place that that's the only qualification you need.
Okay, Hector, I'm gonna get you set up and I gotta get out of there.
If I'm in there for more than ten minutes, that fool will find something for me to buy him.
We hard.
We done killed people, robbed people, committed acts of mayhem on said people.
But now we put our energy into making some of the finest baked goods we can offer so we can stay out of gangs and make a new life.
Listen, that's that's great, really great.
So, you think you can help my man Hector out? Of course, Mr.
Lopez.
We can put him right to work.
No, that's that's Hector right there.
George Lopez.
[laughing.]
So glad that we could finally help you out.
[George.]
Oh, thank you so much.
We're gonna take good care of Hector.
It's the other one.
That's the gangbanger? I'm in high school.
- [laughing.]
- George! Mucho gusto.
- Mucho gusto.
- This is my wife Amanda.
She's gonna be helping out around here.
Ah, that's great.
So, listen, I gotta get him back to science class.
You've got some rehabilitating to do.
I got a network meeting, so this better work.
George, did I mention that one of the ovens went down, the big one? I'm on it.
Okay.
- So, now I'm buying an oven.
- A big one.
[George.]
You know, the thing that is great about this show is that it has a lot to say, you know, through the eyes of a Latino who is part of the community and who is removed from it but still very connected to it, like two sides of the Latino experience.
That's great, but what makes it current? What makes it now? Um, uh, well, I think what makes it now is that you will see that it's going on currently and that it's happening now, so when you see the houses and the cars and stuff, they'll know that it's, like, from modern day.
I think that what Rachel is wondering is what makes it relevant? Ah, well, this doesn't take place in Brooklyn.
- [laughing.]
- That's okay.
But it is about a very underserved and very diverse community.
- Diversity is very important to us.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I hear that a lot.
As do I, and it's great that word is finally getting back to the community about ABC.
I mean, it's why we're here.
We love serving underserved markets.
It is a growth area.
I guess all those years of indifference are finally paying off.
[laughing.]
Exactly.
That was one lesson that we sure learned in the election.
There is a whole country out there that many in Hollywood know nothing about.
That's why we have a new hour-long in development from Johnny Knoxville about a struggling, working-class white family from coal country.
- "The Deplorables.
" - Mm-hmm.
That's just our internal name for it.
I like it, and coming from you, it's very exciting.
A Latino comedian bringing us a gritty one-hour? - [laughter.]
- It's so cool.
Creative lines are blurred these days.
Look at "Transparent.
" It's a comedy, but it's depressing, and it's an hour.
Actually, it's a half-hour.
Really? Huh.
Well, who do you see starring in "Valleys"? Oh, me.
I mean, that's the whole that's the whole thing about it.
Oh, I thought you were bringing the show in just as a producer.
I didn't realize you would even do TV.
Well, you know, I have had four television shows.
Well, this is a great opportunity.
I think we should take this right up with the group.
No group, no group, no.
[clears throat.]
Sorry.
No group because if you're not in love with this idea and if you don't believe in George, then we want to hear it now.
We love George, but we have many talent holding deals to service.
For instance, we just signed Coco.
[laughter.]
Coco, the transgender Internet model? - Yes.
Coco is beautiful.
- Gorgeous.
- Ravishing.
- Stunning.
- And clearly relevant.
- Yes.
Yeah, no, listen, I I think Coco is great.
Seriously, I was thinking about having a transgender character in "Valleys" who is the sister of the drug kingpin and their relationship, you know, growing up together as boys, and then now the tumultuous relationship between a sister and brother, and I ran it by, you know, Caitlyn Jenner.
We were golfing.
I mentioned it to her and she liked it, and then Chaz I saw getting coffee, and he responded, so, you know, I think Coco is perfect.
Coco as a Mexican PI.
It's sexy.
I'm the Mexican.
But Coco's role would be very important.
I mean, she's the co-star.
She's Coco the co-star, which sounds great and is also very sexy.
Coco did say that Coco was interested in doing a winner.
Then why don't we run this by Coco? [laughing.]
All right.
Great.
Hey.
When did they stop using pronouns? These days, they are a minefield.
Damn, I keep messing up.
Maybe if I stopped looking at you and looked at the dough, I could finally get this batch right.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You girls are so pretty and you can bake.
I can't believe you were accessories to murder.
- Hey, [bleep.]
, you dropped something.
- Yo, what you doing? - Leave him alone.
- Hey, chill, boy.
Don't let this hair fool you, man.
That's enough.
Come on, break it up.
You, come with me.
Oh, man, hey, it's all coming together, brother.
- Look at my co-star right there.
- That's a man? Manolo, Coco is transgender.
So she's a woman? - Yes.
- Without a dick? - Without a dick? - No, man.
What the hell, dude? A he/she? Serious, man, that's that's Listen, nobody talks like that anymore, cochino.
He/she.
Look, it's not what you have downstairs, all right? It's what you have upstairs.
- Oh, you mean? Manolo.
- Hey, come on, man, serious.
Get real, all right? Since you got cable, man, you're a different person.
- [musical ringtone.]
- Hello? Oh, my God.
All right, I'm on my way.
Hector.
Something went wrong.
I didn't realise baking bread would be so hard.
When I cooked crack, there wasn't all these health rules.
Are you serious? I don't think that was your issue.
What happened with Menendez and his wife? I don't know, G.
One minute, she was giving me a massage, and the next thing you know, all hell broke loose.
I can't be distracted by this fool right now.
You didn't do it on purpose, right, Hector? Go wait in the car, Hector.
Listen, Manolo, I'm at a crisis point in my professional career.
If this show doesn't work, it could be all over for me, man.
I can't fail.
You won't fail, jefe, but he needs you.
You need to help him out.
I can't be distracted by Hector, okay? So you need to help him out and you need to keep an eye [tires squealing.]
How's that? Hector stole my car.
You don't steal George Lopez' car any of 'em! What are you doing? You calling the cops? You can't call the cops.
He'll go back to jail.
- It's grand theft auto.
- Please, man.
He may never get out.
You know what? That's not my problem.
Please, jefe.
All right.
I got an app on my phone.
I can find my car.
So if I get the car back with no scratches, no dents, and no tickets, I won't call the cops.
You see that red dot right there? - That's the SUV.
- That's pretty cool.
It's not moving.
It says that it's right It says that it's right there.
He's in there.
- Go talk to him.
- What do you want me to say? What's up, Hector? I'm sorry, George.
I just suck.
I suck at being in a gang, I suck at staying out of one.
The only thing I was ever good at was prison, and because I was good, they let me out early.
Wow.
Listen, Hector, man, you don't want to go back to jail.
No, but I don't always want to be a screw-up, either.
I don't know what else to do.
You know, my parents I know, bro.
Mine too, mine too.
- Well, how'd you figure it all out? - Well, here's the thing.
I don't have it all figured out, you know? When I was your age, Hector, I just thought I wanted to be somebody more than I wanted to be nobody, you know? Just try to find a good example and follow that.
Yeah.
Yeah, you are a pretty good example.
No, man.
Don't don't follow me.
Listen, we know you're not good at baking, all right? So find something you are good at besides sitting in jail.
You know, you can go back to cooking rocks.
Kidding.
Come on, man.
Hop in the back seat.
Let's go home.
Are you crying? Dude, why are you crying? I'm the one who should be crying.
I'm buying an oven.
You still gotta pay for it? I still gotta pay for that oven.
Come on, teardrops, let's go.
- I'm trying to tune it.
- Well, hurry up and tune it.
- It sounds awful.
- Come on, man, get it together.
There's an app.
You can do it on an app.
[gasping.]
Little Caesars? Well, I feel like I'm back at college, except now I live at home.
Instead of doing homework, we used to just sit around and theorize about how Julius Caesar got into the pizza biz.
- What'd you come up with? - Mostly aqueducts.
[laughing.]
- What's up? - Oh, Olly, this is Hector.
He's gonna be around a while.
Oh, don't stop chewing on my account.
George, ABC is very serious about "Valleys" if Coco is in, so we have a meeting set for tomorrow.
Oh, my God.
That's great.
Yes, but before you meet with Coco, you will be meeting with human resources to discuss guidelines about how to talk to Coco.
- You're kidding.
- Definitely not kidding.
You are cisgender, and you have we all have a lot, but you have a lot to learn.
Cisgender? Is that like a mean way to refer to gay people? Wait.
Cisgender just means normal.
Ooh, please don't say the "N" word.
It's very offensive.
- What? - No, no, no.
Not that word.
No, "normal.
" It's a very offensive word.
Not as offensive as the real "N" word.
Let's be clear on that, okay? Just be careful, okay? Everything is riding on this and you're walking into a lion's den.
Why are you being so dramatic? I'm meeting an actress.
Are you crazy? Please don't talk like that.
You could get charged with a hate crime.
The meeting is tomorrow.
We have to practice, okay? How do you practice for that?