Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s02e02 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I parked on your flowers again.
Now that I'm sober,
I'm not used to driving
with both eyes open.
Oscar will plant you some new ones.
I will plant you something green.
I cannot guarantee it will be flowers.
Chance, help your grandpa
off with his boots.
After a long day of lifting boxes,
I can't even move a finger.
Look, ah, hey.
Oh.
- Oh, oh.
- [GAGS]
Ew, grandpa, your foot
smells like that Easter egg
I found on the 4th of July.
That's Churro. That's not manmade.
Just take her to the vet already, Mayan.
You work there.
It's not like you have
to make an extra trip, huevona.
She doesn't need the vet.
I'll just put Gas-X in her kibble.
- Right, Quinten?
- Yeah.
Yeah, no, Churo's fine.
She's just reached that
age in life when Oh, God.
When it's time to be an outside dog.
If that's true, are we gonna make
Grandpa an outside grandpa?
Ew, the stinky dog.
Take her to the vet already, Mayan.
I told her that. She ignored me.
- Did you call her a huevona?
- I did.
But she's too much of
a huevonato even listen.
When I say hue, you say vona.
- Hue.
- Vona.
- Hue.
- Vona.
I can't take her to the vet, OK?
- I lost my job.
- What?
The vet office shut down two weeks ago.
The landlord doubled the rent,
and Dr. Pocha couldn't afford it.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mayan.
That's terrible.
Where am I gonna get my pills?
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I'm confused.
How have you been out
of a job for two weeks?
Every morning, I see you leaving
the house on the Ring camera.
- We don't have a Ring camera.
- But I do.
And whose house
I put it on is my business.
Mayan didn't want to tell you
till she found a new job.
I've been out looking for work,
but no vet offices are hiring,
and neither is anyone else.
I couldn't even get a job at McDonald's,
but they did give me a McFlurry
so I'd stop crying.
The world is upside-down
when the McDonald's
ice cream machine is working
and Mayan's not.
Is this why your water bill is past due?
How do you know that?
I changed your mailing address to mine.
I look through it. Then I bring it here.
You're welcome.
You'll find another job, Mayan.
I feel so lost.
I was a valued member of the team
working on something that mattered.
Now I'm just an unemployed
loser with great hair.
You sound like one
of those medicine commercials.
Side effects could include
sudden unemployment,
hunger, loss of electricity.
If symptoms persist, your child
may be taken away from you.
That's too far, man.
She lost her job.
She may never work again.
Ay, Mayan. What are we gonna do?
Please don't stress out.
It'll just stress me out.
You don't need to fix this.
I know how to fix this.
We've been talking about
hiring a new person
at Lop E.Z. Movers.
We're busier than ever,
and your dad's been practically
breaking his back at work.
I was stronger when I was drinking.
I was like Popeye.
The beer was my spinach.
[IMITATES POPEYE LAUGH] Ay.
I think we should hire Mayan.
- Why?
- I'm serious.
Come work for the family business.
That's generous, but no,
I need to consider other options,
like selling my hair.
Oh, hey, I got a hair guy in Atlanta.
How much? Not a lot of body.
I spent years developing
my skills as a vet tech.
I don't want to throw that
all away to become a mover.
It's almost the same job.
Instead of putting down an old dog,
you'll be putting up with one.
Don't stir the cauldron, bruja, OK?
Working together ruins relationships.
- I'm not doing it.
- Neither am I.
In this family,
when someone is falling apart,
we help build them back up.
You two are working together,
or you're both fired.
You can't fire me if
I haven't taken the job yet.
You're fired from the family.
I need to take a moment
to think if that's worth it.
My mom thinks my dad's falling apart.
Do you think that's true?
Have you ever used the shower after him?
There is enough hair and skin in there
to make another George.
I should help him out
while I find a job.
His work is physically demanding,
and it's not like
he's getting any younger.
No, he's 60 going on 90,
but with the brain of a 12-year-old.
Maybe I should hire Mayan
to help her out.
You heard Rosie.
Kid's falling apart.
Or you could use that money to double
someone else's salary. But who?
You live in my truck,
and I don't charge you.
That's benefits.
We're friends with benefits.
I got a great idea. I'ma hire Mayan.
Well, technically, that was my idea.
But since I'm getting what I want,
I won't say anything.
I thought about it too,
and I'm willing to give it a shot.
All right. Welcome aboard.
The first job is tomorrow at 7:00 a.m,
so be ready to leave 9:00, 9:15.
Just remember that you only
got the job because
you're the boss's daughter.
I got it the old-fashioned way,
because I'm hot.
So Mayan working for her dad.
Do we really think that's a good idea?
You have a part-time job.
You're not legally married
to my daughter,
so you don't have a say.
And since Mayan's
been jobless for two weeks,
I'm going to give you guys
a loan to tide you over.
No, I I don't know about that, Rosie.
It's one thing to accept a job.
Taking loans
You're not taking it.
I'm just going to leave it right here.
And later, you'll find it.
Who doesn't like finding money?
Whoo! $5.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I have a lot of ideas.
First, I thought we could
talk about employees
living on company property.
Can you guys drive a little smoother?
I am trying to make waffles back here.
Who squats in my truck
is my business, Mayan.
- I'll take blueberry.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
Mom's asking about
the check from the last job.
Um, look in my filing cabinet.
What filing cabinet?
Oh. OK.
I don't see a check here,
but there's an autographed
picture of Charo.
I will take that. Cuchi-cuchi.
Yeah, I don't have it, hon.
Probably fell out of my jacket.
I got to be more selective
about what I bend over for.
Don't worry. I'll help
you get organized.
We'll figure out a filing system.
I have a system, OK?
I've been doing this
a long time. Trust me.
Trust isn't exactly our thing, dad.
How about this?
At work, let's keep it professional.
I'm not your dad,
and you're not my daughter.
Don't worry.
I don't lead with that in any situation.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I'm here with yesterday's mail.
I was glad to see you cashed
the check I gave you.
I used the money to buy groceries.
Organic free-range eggs?
At these prices, you'll be free-range,
because you'll be homeless.
- Homeless?
- No, not you.
You'll move in with me.
People assume you're my son anyway.
How can you spend money like this?
These are the type of eggs I always buy.
If the chickens have lived a good life,
it makes me feel better
about eating their babies.
And brand-name cookies?
Oh, I don't think so.
This is a Pooreos family now.
You'll have to pry these
out of my cold, dead hands.
Hey, Rosie, I appreciate that
you want to take care of us.
I'm gonna give you the money back.
It comes with too many conditions.
They're not conditions.
They're helpful suggestions
you have to take.
We're just gonna use credit cards
to cover our expenses.
No. Your balance is too high.
I looked at your statement
before I resealed the envelope.
OK, I will keep it,
but you have to promise me
not to interfere.
I promise. It's your money.
You spend it how you want.
Thank you.
Good news, Gordo.
You can keep the Oreos.
Too late. I hid them all in my stomach.
- I don't feel so good.
- Buddy.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Mayan, don't twist it, OK? Pull it.
I don't want to have
to pull a huge ball of tape
out of your hair like I did
the other day.
The other day in 2003 when I was six?
Yeah, but you cried like you were two.
Your face was all red,
and no sound came out.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, my God.
You should be so embarrassed right now.
You've been on me all day.
Why are you teasing me
in front of the guys?
I thought you wanted
to keep it professional.
Mayan, I can't just instantly
forget all the hilarious
dumb stuff you've done.
I don't do stuff like that anymore.
- Oh.
- Ow.
Then what's this?
Damn it.
- That girl's clearly falling apart.
- I know.
Maybe you just both need some space.
What, like she stays here,
and I go to the other move?
Or more like you stay here,
and then I put her in a basket,
and I leave her on a doorstep
in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
He's ignoring my ideas, criticizing me,
making fun of me.
He doesn't do any of that to you.
Not since you got here.
Thanks, by the way.
I want to help him,
but he's so difficult.
You just need to find your role here,
the thing that you bring to the
business that nobody else has.
George is the heart, I'm the muscle,
- and Oscar is the hot one.
- That's it.
No one here is smart.
That could be me.
Hey, Mayan, Momo and I are gonna go
to the other move.
You cover this one with Oscar.
Great. And I'll show you
I can do what no one else can.
Yeah, like what,
get a tape ball stuck in your hair
twice in the same day?
Damn it. Why does this keep happening?
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Rosie, Mayan vacuumed
the hallway this morning.
I know. Why do you think I'm here?
- You went shopping?
- Yes.
I'm guessing you want
to know what I bought,
unless you already know, because you
followed me to the mall?
What you buy with your money
is none of my business.
I made a promise, and I'm honoring it.
Well, I'm very proud of you, Rosie.
I know. I've grown.
All right,
I'm gonna go make some dinner.
By the way, Mayan also cleaned the tub.
You did the right thing by telling me.
[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING]
$200 sneakers?
They don't even have a heel.
- Hi, Nana.
- What? Nothing.
I have every right to be here.
We both know that's not true, Nana.
I know it looks like I'm snooping,
but I'm saving this family
from financial ruin.
Your father bought
$200 sneakers he doesn't need.
I thought you didn't care
how Daddy spent his money.
I lied. I haven't grown.
I may have gotten smaller.
What's going on? Hey.
The house is already empty.
Did it get robbed?
We finished the move
in half the estimated time.
That's right. I'm the smart one.
Yay, yay.
No, Mayan, we take our time
so we can make more money.
At Lop E.Z.,
we take it nice and slow P.Z.
Oscar, why didn't you say anything?
Because I'm trying
to sabotage you, nepo baby.
She even double-layered the bubble wrap.
You double-bubbled?
I didn't want
to break anything valuable.
Mayan, for generations,
movers have worked
to normalize breaking stuff.
In one day, you've undone 100 years
of moving tradition.
I was just trying to find my role here
and live up to the Lop E.Z. motto,
better, cheaper, faster.
That's what we say.
That's not what we are.
What we are is worser,
slower, and more expensiver.
Isn't lying to customers bad business?
Mayan, every company
has a secret slogan.
McDonald's, you're not loving it.
You're eating it,
because you hate yourself.
Nike, just do it.
Or don't do it.
We don't even really know what it is.
Maybe it's Maybelline.
Maybe it's Botox.
I'm sorry I was so fast
and efficient this morning.
But I did something right.
I got the payment from the client.
What's that?
An app I signed us up for, Square.
Square? I'm more pear-shaped.
Real movers have curves.
Square is the name of the app.
It lets you accept credit cards.
That way, you'll never
lose another check.
We only take cash.
Now, the government
is gonna be onto me, Mayan.
They think I died in Korea!
You don't understand.
This will help you.
Square has this feature that
OK, I don't want to hear it.
If you'll stop being so stubborn
- and just listen to me
- No!
You need to respect me as a boss
- and stop acting so unprofessional.
- I tried,
but it's clear that
there's no place for me here.
- I quit.
- You can't quit, because you're fired.
If you fire her, you're gonna have
- to pay her unemployment.
- You quit!
Quinten, to what do I owe the pleasure?
I came by to warn you
that there is a criminal
in your neighborhood.
- Ay, who?
- Ay, you.
Where's my shoes?
I returned them,
minus the 10% restocking fee
I used to buy a Wetzel Pretzel.
I don't know what to say.
How about,
"I should stay out of your way
and let you rein like the reinayou are"?
The sneakers weren't for me.
They were limited-edition Jordans,
and I was planning on reselling
them online for $1,200.
I thought I was doing the right thing.
Oh, for the first time
in my 32 years on this Earth,
I was wrong.
I can't believe
you think I would squander
money when my family needs it.
Oh, it's not you. It's me.
I have a hard time
trusting men with finances.
George would lose what little we had
on booze, gambling, and candy.
He really loved candy.
And she really loved Louis Vuitton.
You know I'm not George.
I know. You're a good man.
But you can't rely on shoes
to feed your family.
I have real plans, Rosie.
There is a management position
opening up at the Apple Store,
- and I'm gonna apply.
- Oh, así.
Oh, you'll make more money.
Mayan will feel more secure.
And no more dumb excuses as
to why you can't get married.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
How was your first day working together?
It was our last.
Dad wouldn't listen
to any of my suggestions.
That's because you kept
coming up with bad ideas
like Square when everybody
knows that I'm cool.
- You see this nonsense, Rosie?
- Yes.
I got an alert that Mayan
set up a Square account.
Congrats on a profitable move.
What?
They overpaid.
How do I stop them from taking it back?
- Break the phone.
- No! No!
This is what I was trying
to tell you earlier.
When I set up the account,
I added a tip screen, 15%, 20%, 25%.
People feel guilty and do it,
especially if you pretend
not to speak English.
Gracias, señor.
That could mean
hundreds of extra dollars.
With cash, people can hand
that tip directly
to Oscar or Momo.
This way, they can't touch it.
Mayan, I'm a genius!
How are you the genius?
For hiring someone
who is betterer and fastererer.
And smarterer.
You're officially
Lop E.Z.'s best employee.
I'm your best employee?
Yeah, well, it's not Oscar,
or your father.
It's not you either, bruja.
Thank you.
I didn't realize how much
I needed to feel
like I had something to contribute.
Job or not, you'll always be
a half-Mexican, half-Cuban Dominican
who if the lighting is right
can pass for Armenian.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Eyes closed, open them. Ta-da!
Welcome to your new home office,
where between moves,
you can do all the smart stuff
that Oscar is too hot to do.
Scheduling, payroll, filing taxes.
Just scheduling and payroll.
You're a smart learner.