Lowdown (2010) s02e02 Episode Script
Hack in Business
Alex Burchill? Yes.
Right.
You may address Her Highness as ma'am or Your Highness.
I will introduce you.
You will bow.
She will acknowledge the bow with a nod.
She may extend her hand.
If it is this way, you may shake it.
If it this way, you air kiss it.
Under no circumstances are you to place your lips on Her Highness's skin.
Right.
She may invite you to sit down.
Do not sit down unless you're invited to do so.
No worries.
Alright, I'll take you up.
Ma'am, this is Alex Burchill from The Sunday Sun.
How do you do? Good, thanks.
Won't you sit down? Thanks for that.
Your Highness, are you a lesbian? Alex took this as evidence that the princess wasn't a lesbian, or that she really was a lesbian.
And what time do you call this? You can stay here for a week, but you have to tell Ray where you are.
Three weeks.
I don't tell Ray where I am and I tell Social Security I'm paying $80 a week rent.
Two weeks.
I tell Ray where you are, and you can tell Social Security that you're paying $40.
Any more than that and it'll affect my income.
Two weeks.
You don't tell Ray and I won't say anything to Social Security.
Deal.
Deal.
OK.
Well I'm going to go to bed.
Goodnight, sweetheart.
Goodnight.
As a teenager, Gay was the toast of the West End when she played Juliet to Albert Finney's Romeo in the Royal Shakespeare Company's acclaimed 1964 production.
It's been pretty much all downhill from there.
The thing is, I ask the big questions.
will they? No, mate.
What are you looking for, Alex? Oh, is this yours, is it? Yeah, but it's no big deal.
You can use my mug, mate.
So where's your place, Sam? Why, do you want to break in? Oh, and Alex, before you ask, I'm not a lesbian.
Hey, Alex, just to let you know, I'm not a lesbian.
Great.
Yeah, I'm not a lesbian either.
Although I have pashed a lot of girls.
Alex Burchill, my office.
Alex, in your article on Richard Gere, you say he has a 'vast suppository of information'? Yeah.
That's a very unorthodox way to store information.
Surely you mean a vast 'repository' of information? Oh, right.
But don't worry, I took the liberty of correcting it myself.
Thanks for that.
Oh, and by the way, I'm not a lesbian either.
Where's the pun? Do you know what the Argus did last Sunday? 300 747,000.
Wow.
Do you know what The Sunday Sun did? 700 416,000.
That's a strike against your name, Alex Burchill.
You who told me to ask her if she was a lesbian.
One more strike and you're out.
Don't you get three strikes? Well, that suppository-repository debacle was a massive fuck-up as well.
Right.
The new Ned Kelly film, directed by a Gordon Lynch.
Don't we have any other bushrangers? He's had a crack at The Sunday Sun in his tweets, so he's on the hate list.
Walk with me.
Now apparently he auditioned the female roles on his four-poster bed.
He has a four-poster bed? But unless we get a comment, it's just hearsay.
So you want me to put the allegations to him? Let's not frighten the natives this time.
I reckon if you can somehow get Gordon Lynch to say that he has an 'unconventional auditioning technique' that's as good as an admission.
I'm thinking 'There But For The Grace of Gord'.
'Act of Gord'.
'For The Love of Gord'.
'Gord Help Me'.
I wouldn't dismiss 'For The Love of Gord'.
Boss, it's still very much in the mix.
Get the quote and I'll delete one of your warnings.
Let's nail this fornicator.
Alex was about to say he thought the headlines were all pretty Gord, but it was too late.
The conversation had moved on.
Alex Burchill, this is Ryan Hamilton.
Ryan hacks into the voicemails of celebrities, then on-sells that information to news gathering organisations.
Yeah, doesn't have to be celebrities - politicians, nannies, missing persons feared dead.
Boss, I personally assured the parliamentary committee that we don't hack into anyone's voicemail.
That's exactly what I said.
I find the whole thing reprehensible, and I've told Ryan that, haven't I, Ryan? No uncertain terms.
What are we doing here then? Well it's about knowing what we're up against.
I strongly suspect there are less reputable news organisations who are still resorting to these kinds of technologies.
Ryan, if a news organisation were interested in your services, which we're not, and I've made that perfectly clear, how would you go about pitching those services to us? Them? Thank you, Howard.
I would tell them that I run a global surveillance network with the greatest access to private and classified material in the world.
I employ the finest investigators, guaranteed to go under the police radar to give the buyer a competitive edge in this cut-throat media industry.
And it is cut-throat.
Our investigators have picked up all sorts of useful data, including: Hey, it's Tiger.
Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you.
And this.
I don't give a damn that you're 11-years-old and your mother's a thoughtless pain in the ass.
You have humiliated me for the last time! - And this.
- Hey love, it's me.
I'm going to be home late.
Would you mind taking the bins out? That last voice sounds familiar.
Boss, I can't go down this path.
I'm not tough enough to survive in jail.
And truth be known, I'm a little bit too good-looking.
Exactly right.
Even though you've only got one strike left, I forbid you under any circumstances to hack into the voicemail of a private citizen.
I'm not going to hack into anyone's voicemail.
Now if, however, information were to fall into your lap, from some terrific piece of investigation from an outside source of which I know nothing I'm sorry, boss.
I can't be party to phone hacking.
Nor can I.
Pack up your stuff, Ryan.
We've got no need for your services.
Alex? Good luck with your story.
Maybe you and Sam should slow down a bit.
Give each other some space so the romance has a chance to develop.
Is that what you and Rita did with your relationship? Yeah.
Do you mind if I don't do that then? The thing is, I've I've got quite used to living at your place.
Mate, is that what's up? I'm not going to kick you out.
At least hold off until I have enough money to make bond.
Mate, it's never going to happen.
Don't let that worry you.
Jeez! Look at this clown.
Oi, what the fuck are you doing? Hang on, I'm getting harassed by an angry bald man.
Oh, is that right, is it? Oh, OK, sorry - balding.
Go and get it! I don't feel like it! Argh! Right! Oh Jesus, I'm late.
That's it.
Run away, 'cause next time I see you, you're a dead man! When Alex later saw the candid photos that Bob had taken of the fight, he couldn't believe how bald he was looking.
Mum, could you please hurry up? You've been in there for 45 minutes! I'm sorry, sweetheart, but I have an audition today and I do not need to be stressed.
And don't screw up your face.
It's really unattractive.
Oh, she's good.
How was bowling? Oh, we just ended up having a few drinks because Josh had a broken finger.
I thought it was a hen's night.
It was.
What's a guy doing there then? I don't know.
They were invited.
They? So I wasn't allowed to go but other guys were.
You don't even know Tracey.
Yes, I do.
Big tits, no arse.
Well, if that's what you think it's good you didn't go.
Don't you want me to be there? Look, I just want to know if I can use your shower.
No! Why not? Because you only ring me when you want something.
You use me.
Asking if I can have a shower at your place is not using you.
For goodness sake, I won't be long! Then I need you to help me with my lines.
Anyway, you're the one that uses me.
No I don't! You always ring me up when you've got some half-baked scheme in mind.
I do not have half-baked schemes.
That is so offensive.
You have half-baked schemes to get a story, you have half-baked schemes to get out of trouble If you say half-baked schemes one more time, that's it.
We're over.
Half baked schemes.
That's it.
Goodbye, Rita.
Good.
I think it's for the best.
Alex Burchill, Sunday Sun.
Brian Goldstein, Associate Producer.
That's right, I associate with the producer.
Thank you very much.
Try the veal.
No, seriously, follow me.
Yo, Gord.
Alex Burchill, Sunday Sun.
Sunday Sun? Yeah.
We've got a circulation of around 600,000.
You mind if I put That's a very poor attempt at an apology.
Mate, these things happen.
You were a douche, I reacted.
Wasn't our finest moment.
Let's forget the whole thing.
I was a douche? So what attracted you to the Ned Kelly story? Brian! Tell your editor that I'd be honoured to do an interview with The Sunday Sun, but they'll need to send a professional journalist.
I'm a professional.
I've got a digital recorder and everything.
Show Mr Burchill out, thanks.
Jesus.
You've just got to get him to say he has an unconventional auditioning technique.
Right.
So how do I do that? Well, you just ask him a multiple choice question.
'What best describes your auditioning technique? A, conventional, or B, unconventional?' Right, so I verbal him? Well, it's not verballing if it's multiple choice.
It's Howard Evans here, editor of The Sunday Sun, just letting you know Alex Burchill won't be attending the interview, so I'm sending another reporter along in his place - James Campbell.
He'll be there shortly.
Thank you.
Alex also does a really great impersonation of Tony Grieg.
Yo, Gord.
James Campbell, The Sunday Sun.
Aren't you Alex Burchill's photographer? I was hoping to ask you Out! Why don't you make use of that investigator and get someone to hack Lynch's voicemail? No, mate.
It's time we journos put our foot down and said there's a line, a line which we will not cross.
Well said, mate.
Thank you.
All done.
Very good work, mate.
Watch the nose.
I've been married 33 years.
People say, Brian, how do you keep the romance alive? I tell them, it's easy.
My wife and I go out to a candlelit dinner every week.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I told Red Skelton it wasn't funny.
Geoff Pilger.
Out.
Your Highness, are you a lesbian? Hey.
Ow.
You're Barry and I'm Grandma.
OK.
Would you like a cup of tea, dear? No thanks.
I'd just like to ask you a couple of questions.
I'll just slip into something more comfortable.
I'll just go and put on my cardigan.
Why are you doing it like that? Because Grandma is very old.
And also, I think she's been on the sherry.
Right.
Ah, so how long have you known Thomas Harding? Oh, just a few months.
He takes out my rubbish.
God, this dialogue's so banal.
Oh, hang on, Mum.
Yes? I'd just like to unreservedly apologise for what happened before.
I'm really sorry, and also, you can use my shower.
You know we've broken up.
I know, and I hate to bother you, but it'd be really good if you could help me out with one of my half-baked schemes.
How do they expect to get an actress of my calibre when they don't even give her a name? So what do you want me to do? Doesn't every self-respecting director have an unconventional auditioning technique? Exactly.
Well, why do you want him to say it? Trust me, it'll build his mystique, and encourage people to see his movie.
You want to support the Australian film industry, don't you? Alright.
Stuart.
Alex.
You getting your girlfriend to do your work for you these days? I like to mix it up.
Funny.
Sounds like your girlfriend is getting on pretty well with Lynch.
Well the joke's on you, 'cause she's not my girlfriend.
Really? OK, Stuart, follow me.
Oh! Oh.
Facebook me.
Sure.
I take it you're not hitched.
Ah, no.
You? Happily married.
She's happy, I'm married.
No, seriously, I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Is this an English-speaking audience? Gordon's nice.
What'd he say? Well, he's a big believer in artist run spaces.
Right.
Did he say he had an unconventional auditioning technique? No.
But he did talk about Sidney Nolan's Ned Kelly series, and how he thinks that they're ambiguous.
And so I said that I think that they're less about Kelly and more about Nolan, which he really appreciated.
Right.
Did he say anything I could use in the article? No.
He seemed to know that you sent me.
How? I don't know.
He doesn't like you very much.
You're a very controversial character for someone with such a sweet face.
Alex wondered if that meant he and Rita were on again.
That might be him there.
Oh This is the right thing to do, isn't it? Absolutely.
I mean, the only way of rooting out corruption and bad behaviour in society is with total transparency.
Couldn't agree more.
WikiLeaks and OpenLeaks are heroes for exposing corruption in business and government.
Exactly.
And the same transparency should apply to the private lives of celebrities.
If they don't like it, they should get off the stage.
And give their money to charity.
Yeah! Although Australian celebrities aren't that rich.
Yeah, but it's not really work though, is it? Acting? It's not like they're going down the mines.
Good point.
Maybe that's him.
Are you the guy from The Sunday Sun? Yeah.
Can I see the money first? Why? Who are you? Do you want me to hack some guy's phone or not? Yeah.
Then I'll need to see the money.
You get it when I get the messages.
What's his number? Hello? Hi, is this Brett? No, you've got the wrong number.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You've called Gordon Lynch.
Please leave a brief One new message.
What have you got? It's from his wife - to pick up some milk on the way home.
What's so funny? I deleted it.
He's going to be in so much trouble.
I'm not going to give you $200 for deleting someone's milk message.
Give me the money and I won't scream.
What a rip-off.
There's a saved message.
Well, that's promising.
It's from a woman.
His wife again? No, some hussy called Cindy.
'Just thinking about your big, hard' - Ooh! - Inside me.
I'll never forget Monday night.
All this sneaking around is killing me.
Can't wait to see you again.
I'm wet thinking about you.
Oh, well thanks for that.
Perfect.
Do you want a lift somewhere, or? Nah.
My Mum's just over there.
No worries.
I would like to apologise unreservedly for the unfortunate incident earlier today.
Because you were such a knob? Quite possibly.
I lost my temper and I apologise.
Yeah, I don't know if you're being sincere.
Oh no, trust me, this is my sincere face.
Yeah, well you should really work on that.
Anyway, I've got to go.
Come back Monday.
Brian! But we go to press tonight.
That's a shame.
What's your hurry? Is Cindy waiting for you? Actually, give us a moment, Brian.
Thank you very much.
You've been a great audience.
Look, I know you sleep with your auditionees, and I just need a couple of quotes.
Did you hack my voicemail? I'm not asking you to say, 'Yes, I sleep with my auditionees.
' You can say something ambiguous like, 'I've got an unconventional auditioning technique.
' I've got another proposal.
How about you fuck off and I won't press charges for phone hacking? No-one hacked your phone.
I happened to meet Cindy through my totally above-board investigations.
Really? Yes.
That's remarkable, Alex, because Cindy is my wife.
No wife speaks to their husband like that.
It was actually disgusting.
Get fucked! My wife left a message for me pretending to be Cindy as a joke.
Oh.
In what world is it OK for you to hack into my voicemail and listen to my private conversations with my wife? I'll see you and your editor in court.
That didn't go quite as well as Alex had hoped.
He's not going to sue you.
He'll sue me and I'll probably end up in jail, and getting myself a boyfriend.
Well why don't you just write a feel-good piece on Lynch? He won't sue and the boss'll get his story.
The boss isn't going to accept a feel-good piece about a guy who's on the hate list.
I'm just going to have to quit.
Don't do that.
I shouldn't have to go to these lengths just to keep my job.
What other jobs can you do? I could do PR for Cricket Australia.
Don't they already have somebody in that job? Probably.
What's that? What? Jesus, that guy's going to get killed.
He's had enough, mate.
Mate, mate, he's had enough.
Come on! That's enough.
You OK, mate? I have an unconventional auditioning technique.
Morning.
Morning.
How are we today? We're fine, thanks.
Bob! Notice anything? No.
It's facing the wrong way.
Oh, right.
I know I'm being petty, but seriously mate, it's the thin edge of the wedge.
I know.
Samantha? It's with a heavy heart that I've realised this place isn't big enough for the three of us.
And I cannot allow myself to be swayed by good looks, or even love itself.
I'm sorry, Alex, but you'll have to find somewhere else to live.
Oh, oh, Bobby! Bobby, you're the best! Congratulations, Samantha.
You won.
It's not a competition, Alex.
Oh! Sorry, mate.
It's OK.
I know I've been a bit hard to get on with lately.
No, I meant the whistling.
I know.
In that quiet moment, Alex recalled the immortal words of Doctor Seuss.
'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind'.
Or was it the other way round? Kade has decided to come out, and suggested that you might like to ghost his column since you are also gay.
How do I look? Do I look gay? Will you be able to look for apartments? Can I stay at your place for a couple of weeks? I thought I could stay at your place for a couple of weeks.
They're all here.
Are we ready? Sorry, I just I can't go through with this.
Come again?
Right.
You may address Her Highness as ma'am or Your Highness.
I will introduce you.
You will bow.
She will acknowledge the bow with a nod.
She may extend her hand.
If it is this way, you may shake it.
If it this way, you air kiss it.
Under no circumstances are you to place your lips on Her Highness's skin.
Right.
She may invite you to sit down.
Do not sit down unless you're invited to do so.
No worries.
Alright, I'll take you up.
Ma'am, this is Alex Burchill from The Sunday Sun.
How do you do? Good, thanks.
Won't you sit down? Thanks for that.
Your Highness, are you a lesbian? Alex took this as evidence that the princess wasn't a lesbian, or that she really was a lesbian.
And what time do you call this? You can stay here for a week, but you have to tell Ray where you are.
Three weeks.
I don't tell Ray where I am and I tell Social Security I'm paying $80 a week rent.
Two weeks.
I tell Ray where you are, and you can tell Social Security that you're paying $40.
Any more than that and it'll affect my income.
Two weeks.
You don't tell Ray and I won't say anything to Social Security.
Deal.
Deal.
OK.
Well I'm going to go to bed.
Goodnight, sweetheart.
Goodnight.
As a teenager, Gay was the toast of the West End when she played Juliet to Albert Finney's Romeo in the Royal Shakespeare Company's acclaimed 1964 production.
It's been pretty much all downhill from there.
The thing is, I ask the big questions.
will they? No, mate.
What are you looking for, Alex? Oh, is this yours, is it? Yeah, but it's no big deal.
You can use my mug, mate.
So where's your place, Sam? Why, do you want to break in? Oh, and Alex, before you ask, I'm not a lesbian.
Hey, Alex, just to let you know, I'm not a lesbian.
Great.
Yeah, I'm not a lesbian either.
Although I have pashed a lot of girls.
Alex Burchill, my office.
Alex, in your article on Richard Gere, you say he has a 'vast suppository of information'? Yeah.
That's a very unorthodox way to store information.
Surely you mean a vast 'repository' of information? Oh, right.
But don't worry, I took the liberty of correcting it myself.
Thanks for that.
Oh, and by the way, I'm not a lesbian either.
Where's the pun? Do you know what the Argus did last Sunday? 300 747,000.
Wow.
Do you know what The Sunday Sun did? 700 416,000.
That's a strike against your name, Alex Burchill.
You who told me to ask her if she was a lesbian.
One more strike and you're out.
Don't you get three strikes? Well, that suppository-repository debacle was a massive fuck-up as well.
Right.
The new Ned Kelly film, directed by a Gordon Lynch.
Don't we have any other bushrangers? He's had a crack at The Sunday Sun in his tweets, so he's on the hate list.
Walk with me.
Now apparently he auditioned the female roles on his four-poster bed.
He has a four-poster bed? But unless we get a comment, it's just hearsay.
So you want me to put the allegations to him? Let's not frighten the natives this time.
I reckon if you can somehow get Gordon Lynch to say that he has an 'unconventional auditioning technique' that's as good as an admission.
I'm thinking 'There But For The Grace of Gord'.
'Act of Gord'.
'For The Love of Gord'.
'Gord Help Me'.
I wouldn't dismiss 'For The Love of Gord'.
Boss, it's still very much in the mix.
Get the quote and I'll delete one of your warnings.
Let's nail this fornicator.
Alex was about to say he thought the headlines were all pretty Gord, but it was too late.
The conversation had moved on.
Alex Burchill, this is Ryan Hamilton.
Ryan hacks into the voicemails of celebrities, then on-sells that information to news gathering organisations.
Yeah, doesn't have to be celebrities - politicians, nannies, missing persons feared dead.
Boss, I personally assured the parliamentary committee that we don't hack into anyone's voicemail.
That's exactly what I said.
I find the whole thing reprehensible, and I've told Ryan that, haven't I, Ryan? No uncertain terms.
What are we doing here then? Well it's about knowing what we're up against.
I strongly suspect there are less reputable news organisations who are still resorting to these kinds of technologies.
Ryan, if a news organisation were interested in your services, which we're not, and I've made that perfectly clear, how would you go about pitching those services to us? Them? Thank you, Howard.
I would tell them that I run a global surveillance network with the greatest access to private and classified material in the world.
I employ the finest investigators, guaranteed to go under the police radar to give the buyer a competitive edge in this cut-throat media industry.
And it is cut-throat.
Our investigators have picked up all sorts of useful data, including: Hey, it's Tiger.
Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you.
And this.
I don't give a damn that you're 11-years-old and your mother's a thoughtless pain in the ass.
You have humiliated me for the last time! - And this.
- Hey love, it's me.
I'm going to be home late.
Would you mind taking the bins out? That last voice sounds familiar.
Boss, I can't go down this path.
I'm not tough enough to survive in jail.
And truth be known, I'm a little bit too good-looking.
Exactly right.
Even though you've only got one strike left, I forbid you under any circumstances to hack into the voicemail of a private citizen.
I'm not going to hack into anyone's voicemail.
Now if, however, information were to fall into your lap, from some terrific piece of investigation from an outside source of which I know nothing I'm sorry, boss.
I can't be party to phone hacking.
Nor can I.
Pack up your stuff, Ryan.
We've got no need for your services.
Alex? Good luck with your story.
Maybe you and Sam should slow down a bit.
Give each other some space so the romance has a chance to develop.
Is that what you and Rita did with your relationship? Yeah.
Do you mind if I don't do that then? The thing is, I've I've got quite used to living at your place.
Mate, is that what's up? I'm not going to kick you out.
At least hold off until I have enough money to make bond.
Mate, it's never going to happen.
Don't let that worry you.
Jeez! Look at this clown.
Oi, what the fuck are you doing? Hang on, I'm getting harassed by an angry bald man.
Oh, is that right, is it? Oh, OK, sorry - balding.
Go and get it! I don't feel like it! Argh! Right! Oh Jesus, I'm late.
That's it.
Run away, 'cause next time I see you, you're a dead man! When Alex later saw the candid photos that Bob had taken of the fight, he couldn't believe how bald he was looking.
Mum, could you please hurry up? You've been in there for 45 minutes! I'm sorry, sweetheart, but I have an audition today and I do not need to be stressed.
And don't screw up your face.
It's really unattractive.
Oh, she's good.
How was bowling? Oh, we just ended up having a few drinks because Josh had a broken finger.
I thought it was a hen's night.
It was.
What's a guy doing there then? I don't know.
They were invited.
They? So I wasn't allowed to go but other guys were.
You don't even know Tracey.
Yes, I do.
Big tits, no arse.
Well, if that's what you think it's good you didn't go.
Don't you want me to be there? Look, I just want to know if I can use your shower.
No! Why not? Because you only ring me when you want something.
You use me.
Asking if I can have a shower at your place is not using you.
For goodness sake, I won't be long! Then I need you to help me with my lines.
Anyway, you're the one that uses me.
No I don't! You always ring me up when you've got some half-baked scheme in mind.
I do not have half-baked schemes.
That is so offensive.
You have half-baked schemes to get a story, you have half-baked schemes to get out of trouble If you say half-baked schemes one more time, that's it.
We're over.
Half baked schemes.
That's it.
Goodbye, Rita.
Good.
I think it's for the best.
Alex Burchill, Sunday Sun.
Brian Goldstein, Associate Producer.
That's right, I associate with the producer.
Thank you very much.
Try the veal.
No, seriously, follow me.
Yo, Gord.
Alex Burchill, Sunday Sun.
Sunday Sun? Yeah.
We've got a circulation of around 600,000.
You mind if I put That's a very poor attempt at an apology.
Mate, these things happen.
You were a douche, I reacted.
Wasn't our finest moment.
Let's forget the whole thing.
I was a douche? So what attracted you to the Ned Kelly story? Brian! Tell your editor that I'd be honoured to do an interview with The Sunday Sun, but they'll need to send a professional journalist.
I'm a professional.
I've got a digital recorder and everything.
Show Mr Burchill out, thanks.
Jesus.
You've just got to get him to say he has an unconventional auditioning technique.
Right.
So how do I do that? Well, you just ask him a multiple choice question.
'What best describes your auditioning technique? A, conventional, or B, unconventional?' Right, so I verbal him? Well, it's not verballing if it's multiple choice.
It's Howard Evans here, editor of The Sunday Sun, just letting you know Alex Burchill won't be attending the interview, so I'm sending another reporter along in his place - James Campbell.
He'll be there shortly.
Thank you.
Alex also does a really great impersonation of Tony Grieg.
Yo, Gord.
James Campbell, The Sunday Sun.
Aren't you Alex Burchill's photographer? I was hoping to ask you Out! Why don't you make use of that investigator and get someone to hack Lynch's voicemail? No, mate.
It's time we journos put our foot down and said there's a line, a line which we will not cross.
Well said, mate.
Thank you.
All done.
Very good work, mate.
Watch the nose.
I've been married 33 years.
People say, Brian, how do you keep the romance alive? I tell them, it's easy.
My wife and I go out to a candlelit dinner every week.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I told Red Skelton it wasn't funny.
Geoff Pilger.
Out.
Your Highness, are you a lesbian? Hey.
Ow.
You're Barry and I'm Grandma.
OK.
Would you like a cup of tea, dear? No thanks.
I'd just like to ask you a couple of questions.
I'll just slip into something more comfortable.
I'll just go and put on my cardigan.
Why are you doing it like that? Because Grandma is very old.
And also, I think she's been on the sherry.
Right.
Ah, so how long have you known Thomas Harding? Oh, just a few months.
He takes out my rubbish.
God, this dialogue's so banal.
Oh, hang on, Mum.
Yes? I'd just like to unreservedly apologise for what happened before.
I'm really sorry, and also, you can use my shower.
You know we've broken up.
I know, and I hate to bother you, but it'd be really good if you could help me out with one of my half-baked schemes.
How do they expect to get an actress of my calibre when they don't even give her a name? So what do you want me to do? Doesn't every self-respecting director have an unconventional auditioning technique? Exactly.
Well, why do you want him to say it? Trust me, it'll build his mystique, and encourage people to see his movie.
You want to support the Australian film industry, don't you? Alright.
Stuart.
Alex.
You getting your girlfriend to do your work for you these days? I like to mix it up.
Funny.
Sounds like your girlfriend is getting on pretty well with Lynch.
Well the joke's on you, 'cause she's not my girlfriend.
Really? OK, Stuart, follow me.
Oh! Oh.
Facebook me.
Sure.
I take it you're not hitched.
Ah, no.
You? Happily married.
She's happy, I'm married.
No, seriously, I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Is this an English-speaking audience? Gordon's nice.
What'd he say? Well, he's a big believer in artist run spaces.
Right.
Did he say he had an unconventional auditioning technique? No.
But he did talk about Sidney Nolan's Ned Kelly series, and how he thinks that they're ambiguous.
And so I said that I think that they're less about Kelly and more about Nolan, which he really appreciated.
Right.
Did he say anything I could use in the article? No.
He seemed to know that you sent me.
How? I don't know.
He doesn't like you very much.
You're a very controversial character for someone with such a sweet face.
Alex wondered if that meant he and Rita were on again.
That might be him there.
Oh This is the right thing to do, isn't it? Absolutely.
I mean, the only way of rooting out corruption and bad behaviour in society is with total transparency.
Couldn't agree more.
WikiLeaks and OpenLeaks are heroes for exposing corruption in business and government.
Exactly.
And the same transparency should apply to the private lives of celebrities.
If they don't like it, they should get off the stage.
And give their money to charity.
Yeah! Although Australian celebrities aren't that rich.
Yeah, but it's not really work though, is it? Acting? It's not like they're going down the mines.
Good point.
Maybe that's him.
Are you the guy from The Sunday Sun? Yeah.
Can I see the money first? Why? Who are you? Do you want me to hack some guy's phone or not? Yeah.
Then I'll need to see the money.
You get it when I get the messages.
What's his number? Hello? Hi, is this Brett? No, you've got the wrong number.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You've called Gordon Lynch.
Please leave a brief One new message.
What have you got? It's from his wife - to pick up some milk on the way home.
What's so funny? I deleted it.
He's going to be in so much trouble.
I'm not going to give you $200 for deleting someone's milk message.
Give me the money and I won't scream.
What a rip-off.
There's a saved message.
Well, that's promising.
It's from a woman.
His wife again? No, some hussy called Cindy.
'Just thinking about your big, hard' - Ooh! - Inside me.
I'll never forget Monday night.
All this sneaking around is killing me.
Can't wait to see you again.
I'm wet thinking about you.
Oh, well thanks for that.
Perfect.
Do you want a lift somewhere, or? Nah.
My Mum's just over there.
No worries.
I would like to apologise unreservedly for the unfortunate incident earlier today.
Because you were such a knob? Quite possibly.
I lost my temper and I apologise.
Yeah, I don't know if you're being sincere.
Oh no, trust me, this is my sincere face.
Yeah, well you should really work on that.
Anyway, I've got to go.
Come back Monday.
Brian! But we go to press tonight.
That's a shame.
What's your hurry? Is Cindy waiting for you? Actually, give us a moment, Brian.
Thank you very much.
You've been a great audience.
Look, I know you sleep with your auditionees, and I just need a couple of quotes.
Did you hack my voicemail? I'm not asking you to say, 'Yes, I sleep with my auditionees.
' You can say something ambiguous like, 'I've got an unconventional auditioning technique.
' I've got another proposal.
How about you fuck off and I won't press charges for phone hacking? No-one hacked your phone.
I happened to meet Cindy through my totally above-board investigations.
Really? Yes.
That's remarkable, Alex, because Cindy is my wife.
No wife speaks to their husband like that.
It was actually disgusting.
Get fucked! My wife left a message for me pretending to be Cindy as a joke.
Oh.
In what world is it OK for you to hack into my voicemail and listen to my private conversations with my wife? I'll see you and your editor in court.
That didn't go quite as well as Alex had hoped.
He's not going to sue you.
He'll sue me and I'll probably end up in jail, and getting myself a boyfriend.
Well why don't you just write a feel-good piece on Lynch? He won't sue and the boss'll get his story.
The boss isn't going to accept a feel-good piece about a guy who's on the hate list.
I'm just going to have to quit.
Don't do that.
I shouldn't have to go to these lengths just to keep my job.
What other jobs can you do? I could do PR for Cricket Australia.
Don't they already have somebody in that job? Probably.
What's that? What? Jesus, that guy's going to get killed.
He's had enough, mate.
Mate, mate, he's had enough.
Come on! That's enough.
You OK, mate? I have an unconventional auditioning technique.
Morning.
Morning.
How are we today? We're fine, thanks.
Bob! Notice anything? No.
It's facing the wrong way.
Oh, right.
I know I'm being petty, but seriously mate, it's the thin edge of the wedge.
I know.
Samantha? It's with a heavy heart that I've realised this place isn't big enough for the three of us.
And I cannot allow myself to be swayed by good looks, or even love itself.
I'm sorry, Alex, but you'll have to find somewhere else to live.
Oh, oh, Bobby! Bobby, you're the best! Congratulations, Samantha.
You won.
It's not a competition, Alex.
Oh! Sorry, mate.
It's OK.
I know I've been a bit hard to get on with lately.
No, I meant the whistling.
I know.
In that quiet moment, Alex recalled the immortal words of Doctor Seuss.
'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind'.
Or was it the other way round? Kade has decided to come out, and suggested that you might like to ghost his column since you are also gay.
How do I look? Do I look gay? Will you be able to look for apartments? Can I stay at your place for a couple of weeks? I thought I could stay at your place for a couple of weeks.
They're all here.
Are we ready? Sorry, I just I can't go through with this.
Come again?