Mad About You s02e02 Episode Script

Honey, did you chain the front door? - Are you sure? - I think so.
- Would you check, please? - Honey, I chained it.
I definitely chained it.
- What? - What is that humming? - I don't hear anything.
- Did you leave your stereo on? - I don't think so.
- Well, it's humming.
It's not on.
While you're out there, could you check the front door? Boy, she's good.
I told you the door was chained.
I don't mean just chained.
This was like really chained, securely chained.
- That's a lot - It's not too much floss.
Fine.
Why would your mother buy us an electric blanket? - Why? Because she loves us.
- Yeah, right.
All right, well, she loves me, and you're here.
- I mean, what's the occasion? - Blanket day at Shea.
That's really a lot of floss.
I told her eight times I hate electric blankets.
Can we drop it? What's the rule? No mothers in the bedroom.
- We're in the bathroom.
- Yeah, but it's all connected.
And besides you and I have other business to take care of tonight.
That's right.
That's exactly why she sent the blankets.
- She knew we were gonna make love.
- Honey, no mothers.
No mothers.
Come on.
No mothers, no sisters, No exes, no work.
So, what can we talk about? Yachting.
Yachting and the Portuguese fur trade.
Let me explain: The floss around your fingers, that's wasted - You do it your way, I'll do it my way.
- Fine.
- Are we gonna do this or not? - That's what I'm hoping.
- Thank you for taking the night off.
- Don't thank me.
- Thank the cameras for breaking.
- Still, it's the thought.
Two more weeks, this film will be done.
I won't be shooting nights anymore.
You're here now.
Let's make the most of it.
- I think it's gonna be pretty good.
- It's gonna be great.
See, I was talking about my film.
Yes, honey, New York at Night is a great idea.
Yes, honey, New York at Night is going to be a great documentary.
Yes, honey, you are the premier filmmaker of your generation.
Okay, I'm aroused.
- Now let's work on you.
- Good.
Did I tell you what I'm thinking for the opening? Something with a window.
Either looking out a window or maybe inside.
- It'll either be inside - Honey.
Sorry.
Chocolate! Where did this come from? Originally, Belgium.
But I'm the guy who put it there.
- You are a prince.
- I'm telling you.
- Can I eat it now? - It's up to you.
Are there more? - I'm gonna eat it now.
- Whatever you want.
No, Murray, not on my mohair sweater.
Why'd you tell him it's a sweater? He thought he got lucky.
How did Murray do with the mouse today? There is no mouse.
There's no mouse? So, what's he been chasing all week? He thinks there's a mouse so he runs after nothing 90 miles an hour and slams into the wall.
This pathetic furry thud.
- Like that? - All day long.
Run, run, run, boom! Run, run, run, boom! Could you just do that again? Run, run, run, boom.
- Never mind.
- What? I thought it was something, but it's not.
You're so cute.
- I have to call Fran.
- Fran can't help you right here.
She called during dinner, and I promised I'd call her back.
- She's having a bad day.
- I think it can wait.
Ever since she broke up with Mark, she gets nervous.
She's been the same way before, only there was two of them.
- I feel like I should call her.
- You know what? Watch this.
Shut up.
- Is it me, or is he breaking the mood? - One second.
- Perfect.
- Not really perfect.
- What's the matter? - I don't know.
Patsy Cline.
You know, I'm thinking plane crash death.
I don't need that right now.
- And, now, here's Jimi Hendrix.
- Dead.
- Harry Chapin's "Taxi.
" - Also dead.
A look back at the career of Janis Joplin.
Why can't these people just take care of themselves? - Perfect.
- What, Beethoven's not dead? Yeah, but he's been dead since we knew him.
You know what? This is too much pressure.
- Mattingly takes a strike inside.
- Hold it.
Forget it.
- What are you doing? - Know what? Another two seconds, I may not need you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I need you.
Come here right this minute.
- He's so stupid.
- He's not stupid.
He's fearless.
Yeah, when there's nothing there.
Hey, don't make fun of my dog.
That's a very talented - What? What? - I hit my funny bone! Walk it off.
Walk it off.
Don't lose the mood.
- Don't.
- I won't.
Hi, we're out.
Leave a message, and we'll call you back.
Jamie, it's Mom.
Did Paul tell you I called? Your mother called.
- Well, it's nothing important.
- Which I knew.
The doctor says I'll be fine.
It's just a bunion, a corn.
It's what your father gets.
It's like a big callus.
We thought we needed music.
We don't.
- They slice it right off.
- Just pick it up.
Mom, hi.
No, we're up.
Are you okay? - Is she okay? - She's fine.
- So hang up.
- No, we're not doing anything.
Tell her we're having sex.
Tell your mother we're having sex.
We're having dinner.
Is it okay if I call you tomorrow? Pot roast.
- I cooked it.
- Who's gonna believe that? I know the string comes off.
Get him, Murray! Get that mouse! He's kidding.
There's no mouse.
He's so stupid.
Mom, is it okay if we talk about this tomorrow? Great.
So we'll talk about it tomorrow.
- So tomorrow we can talk about it.
- Alrighty.
Alrighty.
So we'll talk about it tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.
Mention tomorrow.
- Then we'll talk about it tomorrow.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I love you too.
Okay.
- Okay.
Bye-bye.
I need chocolate.
There are no more.
There was just that one.
Yeah, well, we'll see.
- Did I tell you Larry got that thing? - Good for Larry.
- I know.
Isn't that great? - Great.
He'll be right near his house.
It's nowhere near his house.
I don't know who Larry is.
I told you there wasn't more chocolate.
- Well, I looked.
- I can't believe you didn't trust me.
You lied.
If you're not gonna trust me, what's the sense in lying? - I'm very sorry.
- What is this? "A man who laughs will show his teeth"? My sister.
She's writing fortune cookies.
- She got a job? - Not yet.
She's writing them on spec.
"A whistling Frenchman is no Frenchman at all.
" Oh, yeah, they're gonna snap her right up.
Can I make a suggestion? You don't eat, like, all of those? - Why not? - Because in 20 minutes you're gonna say you're fat.
Then we'll never get naked.
- You think I'm fat? - No.
Because you're not that thin either.
How did I get hurt here? You're right.
Let me heal you.
- Do those shelves bother you? - Some of them.
- Which ones? - I don't wanna say.
- We are gonna unplug that phone.
- What if it's important? I think the world can live without us for two minutes.
Two minutes? Two minutes.
It's an expression.
Come here.
Honey? - He's a dog.
- You know I can't do it with him here.
Murray, get the mouse.
Go get the mouse.
There's a mouse.
Mouse.
Get the mouse.
Get the mouse.
Boy, get the mouse.
See? Go get it.
Go get it.
Mommy will show you where the mouse is.
Then get him.
Good boy.
- Is it hot in here? - I'm not in there.
Well, remember when you were? - No.
God, it's freezing.
- Turn up your side of the blanket.
That's the beauty of an electric.
- Honey.
- What? - What do you want for dinner? - I don't care.
- What do you want? - Chicken, all right? I'll have chicken! - Shut up! - You shut up! - No, you shut up! - No, you shut up.
I should shut up? Are you gonna come eat or not? - What are we having? - Hey, hey! I'm trying to make love to my wife here.
I already made love to your wife.
I love this city.
- Where are you going? - I have to pee.
- Get organized, will you? - You're not ready.
You're yelling out the window like Ralph Kramden.
Because I was getting distracted.
It's easy for you.
You just show up, but I'm the one at the free-throw line.
- Don't give me that old speech.
- Well, it's true.
Oh, please.
Am I smart.
Honey, I got something great here.
I'm here.
I'm here.
I'm here - What are you doing? - Don't talk to me.
- But I'm ready.
- Yes, so am I.
Just two seconds.
I figured out the opening shot.
It's not outside looking in, it's not inside looking out.
It's inside looking out, looking back in which I don't think anybody's ever done.
Fran, it's me.
Are you there? Fran, it's me.
If you're there, pick up.
- What are you doing? - You're working.
I'm not working.
I'm just making notes.
About work.
I was trying to get it out of my head, so I could concentrate on you.
- Call me.
- Come on.
- Really? - Yeah.
You still wanna, don't you? - Yeah, don't you? - Yeah, don't you? This is insane.
Let's just do it.
I mean it.
Let's just do it.
Great! Just But explain to me so I'll know.
- How does this relate to last time? - What was last time? Last time, you gave me this whole lecture on sensitivity.
Well, that was then.
This is now.
Okay, see, my big mistake is, I listen to you.
- I love when you listen to me.
- But then you change.
- Of course, everybody changes.
- No, I don't.
I don't change.
I only change for you.
I'm over here, you're over there.
So I go over there.
I get there and you're somewhere else.
I'm in the wrong place for no reason.
And you know what? Really, it's not my fault.
You're right.
Let's do it.
Just like that, bing, bang, boom? At this point, I'd settle for the boom.
- You don't want the bing and the bang? - I did.
- And now? - I'm over it.
- You're a very complex woman.
- You don't want the boom? Of course, I want the boom.
Guys always want the boom.
We only made up the whole bing and the bang just to get the boom.
- I thought you liked bing and bang.
- I love bing and bang.
- I don't always need it.
- Me neither.
- Why are we arguing? - We're not.
All right.
- I didn't give you a lecture.
- Can either one of us shut up? - Was that good for you? - Yeah.
You? I'm spent.
It's those top two shelves.
They're gratuitous.
- Let it go.
- The longer we let it go the longer they're there.
- Just let it go.
Hi! You didn't call back, so I jogged down.
- From the Upper West Side? - It's 86 blocks.
I feel great.
Feel my ass.
- Go ahead, Paul.
- No, sadly, I'm not allowed.
- Go ahead.
- Really? That's almost as good as your They're both very, very nice.
They're both nice.
Swear to me if Mark ever calls, you'll tell him that.
- Have you heard from him? - No.
Who needs him? I'm a rock.
I'm an island.
Feel my thigh.
We believe you.
It's great you're getting out but do you really think it's safe to jog at night by yourself? I love it.
It's like I'm seeing it for the first time and I'm doing it by myself.
I go to the gym by myself.
I go to museums by myself.
I go to couples counseling by myself.
I'm gonna die by myself and that's just fine.
Life is great.
What's new with you? How come you're undressed so early? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I'm gone! You weren't kidding about his ears.
- What was that about my ears? - Nothing.
What'd she say? Why would you be kidding about my ears? - I wasn't.
- Why would she say that? It's an expression.
"You weren't kidding about his ears"? I never heard that.
- It's a girl thing.
Like guys have - What? "Hi, how you doing?" That's a bad example.
- I told her about your ears, okay? - What did you tell her? That they get all red when you get turned on.
Get out of here! No, they don't.
- Really? - No.
- Come here.
- What? Look.
Look at that.
I wish I knew that in junior high.
I would've carried my books up here.
- I think it's very cute.
- You have that blinking thing.
- Everyone blinks.
- Not like you.
You got a problem.
You have, like, this hormonally induced eye-flutter thing.
- You're making this up.
- How do you know? Whenever you lie, you do that thing with your mouth.
- What? - You're doing it right now.
Okay.
All right.
So can we get off my lips, please and get back to my ears? When did you notice my ears? The first time you came to my apartment.
Liar.
Big liar.
- Five bucks.
- Ten.
- Twenty.
- Okay, 5.
- What is this? - My diary.
- Our entire relationship, right here.
- You're really way too organized.
Look.
Okay.
File.
Search.
Ears.
Oh, jeez.
- "December 28, '89.
" - See? "Wore green miniskirt.
Thought his ears were gonna burst right off his head.
" Why would you tell this to Fran and you would never tell me? Because it's personal.
She's my best friend.
What, men don't talk about sex? Yeah, but not the truth.
- Don't worry.
I always embellish.
- Thattagirl.
What is this, three balloons? Is that good or bad? The first time is never any good.
- But still, three balloons? - Look at our second first time.
Balloons all over the place.
So, what did we do that night? You came over with champagne and pâté.
Yes, and I showed you Casablanca for the first time.
No, I'd already seen Casab No, no, that's right.
- What is that? What is that? - Honey, I was 27.
You think you're the first guy to try to show me Casablanca? - You lied? - I wanted you to feel special.
So this whole second first time was a sham.
You were the first guy to tell me it was produced by Hal Wallis.
- I thought that was a great night.
- It was.
Do we have any champagne and pâté? No champagne, no pâté.
How about low-fat milk and peanut butter? It's close enough.
It's the same thing.
Low-fat milk.
Champagne.
They used this when they christened the USS Pritikin.
Just poured low-fat milk all over That's good, honey.
That's very sexy.
Tastes like pâté, only nowhere near as good.
- Don't give up so fast.
- I'm not.
There's one more hope.
- "We'll always have Paris.
" - Casablanca.
Good.
Good.
That first time, we were in bed before the Germans got Peter Lorre.
Better.
Sit down and I'm gonna pretend like I've never seen this.
Yeah, like I really trust you now.
Come on, big boy, tell me who produced this.
- Hal Wallis.
- Say it like you mean it.
Today, on Oprah: Hookers predict the Oscars.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- You see this a million times.
- There's always something new.
- Honey, I'm sorry.
- You recorded over Casablanca? - Well, I had already seen it.
You know what? We don't need frills.
- We need something.
- You think? What is going on? What's going on is, we know each other too well to just boom.
And clearly, tonight, the bing and the bang won't happen.
- So, what do we do? - So, nothing.
We do nothing.
- And that's okay.
- Really? In fact, you know what? It's a good thing.
How? If this happened a year ago, it would've made us crazy, but now it's different.
We thought we were gonna, but we're not.
But it doesn't mean we won't, just not tonight.
- It makes sense.
- Really? Do you wanna work on your movie? - What are you gonna do? - It's okay.
Okay.
- Honey? - I'll race you.
We wanna assure you that at no time during the filming tonight was our dog Murray hurt or abused in any way.
As for the mouse, he was caught and released into his natural habitat.
- And she didn't really hurt her elbow.
- No.
See? And, of course, she would never really tape over Casablanca.
The chocolates were real, and his hair will grow back.
Let it go.
It's a big secret you got a bad haircut? Just let it go.
- It's not your fault.
- Let it go.