Man with a Plan (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

1 Gentlemen, I got a problem.
I've gathered you here because I need the smartest guys I know.
My life is what it is, so that's you.
He's talking to you guys, so step it up.
Yesterday, I was the only one home and the doorbell rings.
It was Carl Tompkins.
That son of a bitch.
Who's Carl Tompkins? Pastor Carl? The guy who married me and Andi at our wedding.
That son of a bitch.
Dad, will you listen, please? He gave me some very bad news.
17 years ago, when I married you and Andi, I had a nasty gambling problem.
But I'm in a program now, and I'm on the ninth step, which is making amends.
Amends? That's never good.
When I did your ceremony, I was broke, so I hadn't renewed my credentials.
I forged your paperwork and your marriage isn't legal.
What? We're not legally married? But why would you do the ceremony if you knew it wasn't real? I just love making people happy.
Do I look happy now? So I was right He is a son of a bitch.
Andi's not gonna like this.
But she's not gonna blame Adam.
It's not your fault the guy had a gambling problem.
See, this is where it gets tricky.
H-He's not the guy Andi told me to hire.
I picked him 'cause he was cheaper.
Oh, Adam.
What? Well, I had to do something.
Look, we agreed on a simple courthouse ceremony, then the bride magazines started showing up and everything got expensive.
She wanted to move it to the Bahamas.
I had to show her a bunch of shark attack videos just to keep it on the mainland.
So you're not legally married? And it's your fault.
And Andi doesn't know.
That's pretty much it.
Yeah, you're gonna need smarter guys.
First of all, I am really pumped to be included in this advice circle.
We don't name our meetings, Lowell.
And if we did, it would be something cool, like "war council.
" But a wedding is not something to cut corners on.
You blew it, bubba.
Sorry for the language.
Money is for saving, not spending.
That's right, and you're gonna need that money when the storm comes.
And there is always a storm coming.
You taught us that, Pop.
I'm never not afraid.
- Damn straight.
It keeps you frosty.
- Mm-hmm.
So how do I tell Andi we're not legally married because I wanted to save a few bucks? Now, keep in mind, not being married might be a hot-button issue for her.
Well, you could soften her up with some romance.
Ooh, take her to a nice hotel for a weekend.
I don't like the idea of being locked in a tiny room with her when she finds out.
Whenever I've screwed up with Marcy and it has happened I tell her I did something much worse, and then when I tell her the real thing, (EXHALES) she's relieved.
So what could I tell Andi that's worse than this? Nothing.
I was just saying, you know, if you'd done something not so big, that would be the solution.
This is the worst war council I've ever been on.
Son, you got to think outside the box.
Men have been screwing up with women for thousands of years.
They're on to us.
You need something new.
So your idea is: come up with a good idea.
That's right.
Run with that.
Okay.
Well, a lot of good perspectives here.
But the thing is, Andi is the best, all right? I got a good one, so I'm just gonna go home and tell her; she'll understand.
- Attaboy.
- Absolutely.
- Good for you.
He's not coming back from this.
He's a dead man.
I should have told him I loved him.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hey.
You'll never guess what happened at work today.
I hope it was good.
It's so good.
Okay.
I finally figured out who's been microwaving fish in the break room.
It was Karen.
Yeah.
We're gonna have a whole meeting about it and everything.
Yeah.
Funny thing happened to me today, too.
Get this.
Wait.
Wait.
Babe, what's this? They didn't have the organic chicken? No, no, they did, but we'll get to that in a minute.
- Yeah.
- Okay, but, um, I thought we agreed we were gonna go organic.
Remember? We watched that documentary.
You cried a little.
Then I saw how much organic chicken costs, and I cried more.
They just charge you twice as much 'cause they slap a fancy label on it.
Okay, Adam, we've talked about this.
Don't be cheap.
Well I am not cheap, I am frugal.
Okay, see what you did there? You just took "cheap" and you slapped a fancy label on it.
Okay, this isn't a big deal, it's just chicken, but I-I do need to Okay, look, Adam, we both know it's not just chicken.
I mean, like, for example, all of our napkins come from fast food places.
You should never have to pay for napkins.
They're free everywhere.
And when company comes over, we put out the good ones from Arby's.
Okay.
Let's talk about our coffee situation.
These coffee pods come 12 to a box, but somehow every box seems to last us for a month.
I did not know that you noticed that.
Oh, I did.
Says right on it, "single use only.
" You've been double dripping, haven't you? You're damn right I have.
They would love for you to only use each pod once.
That's their whole scam.
I bet you there's a documentary about that.
Okay, Adam, it's not a scam, okay? I've been drinking brown water and falling asleep at 10:30 in the morning.
Okay, you know I love a bargain.
But isn't it fun when you find out and we have a laugh? Huh? Yeah, so fun.
Hey, um, let me ask you something.
Last week, when you made the reservation for our family trip to Keystone Lake, um you said that the hotel right on the water was full, so that we had to stay at the cheap one six blocks away.
Yeah.
I-I-I-I told you that because that's what happened.
And if I'm remembering right, and I hope I am, I said there was a convention.
Uh-huh.
So if I call the good hotel right now, they'll say they're booked.
Oh, they absolutely will.
They might not.
I knew it.
You know what? I can deal with the napkins and the coffee, but you can't skimp on the big stuff.
The family stuff, that's what makes me crazy, all right? I don't want to hear about any more secret ways that you've been cheaping out.
Well, d-don't worry, you won't.
Okay, good.
Hey, what did you want to talk to me about? Nothing.
Uh, well, I just wanted to talk in general.
And we did.
Great job.
So I'm not telling her.
I'm sorry it didn't go well, but I'm thrilled to be back.
I'm this close to making us all T-shirts.
- What happened? - I didn't have time to get the design right.
Not you.
What happened? Well, I was gonna tell her, but inside of five minutes, she busted me on discount chicken, reused coffee pods, and a secret budget hotel.
It did not seem wise or healthy for me to tell her I picked Pastor Carl because he was cheaper.
I mean, "frugaler.
" I once had a frugaler at a Jewish wedding.
It was delicious.
So the problem isn't that you're not married, it's that you're not married because you were cheap.
And she does not like that, which is sad, because I think it's one of my greatest qualities.
Look, when it comes to money, I'm right and she's wrong, but this will prove that I'm wrong.
If it proves you're wrong, doesn't that mean you're wrong? Clearly I'm wrong.
It will upset the balance of our whole marriage.
I'll lose every money argument forever.
We'll just be sitting in the poor house with our rich black coffee and high-end napkins.
So you're not gonna tell her at all? You're just gonna stay not married? I thought about that.
I could tell her now, or I could fix it and tell her never.
Huh? How about this? Andi's always talking about renewing our vows someday.
Why can't that be now? And why can't that be done by a real pastor? Then you'll be legally married.
I like it.
It's got Lowell's romance, it's got Dad's outside the box, and it's kind of shady, like me.
What? You are so beautiful.
Even when you're about to spit.
Mmm.
Thanks, honey.
You know, I was just thinking, we haven't done something really romantic in a long time.
You know, to celebrate our love.
Aw, sweetie, you don't have to do a whole song and dance.
You know I'm always up to roll around a little.
We can do that, too, but I'm talking about a spontaneous event.
Like (GASPS) Ah, never mind, it's too romantic.
- No.
Whoa.
What? What? - No, no, no.
It's too magical.
(GASPS) Tell me.
(SIGHS) What if we renewed our vows? (GASPS) Oh, I've always wanted to do that.
Oh, but, I mean, shouldn't we wait for a big anniversary? Like our 20th or our 30th? No, no, no.
No, no, no.
I-I-I, I think we do it right now for our 17-and-a-half-ieth.
Huh? No one will see that coming.
What's gotten into you? Just a bunch of love.
Huh? Think about it.
The girls can wear matching outfits.
Teddy can wear suspenders.
You love Teddy in suspenders.
He looks so cute Like a tiny Southern lawyer.
Yeah.
Okay, let's do it.
- We're doing it.
- (LAUGHING): Yeah.
This is so exciting.
(GASPS) Ooh.
What about having it in the Bahamas? - Huh? - Uh (CHATTERS TEETH) - Oh.
- Nah.
- Sharks.
I forgot.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, but it's still gonna be great.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, and this time, my dad won't be trying to talk me out of it as I'm walking down the aisle.
I did not know he did that.
Huh.
Look, but hey, let's get married again.
Yay! (LAUGHS) Okay, great, you guys are all set for the renewal ceremony tonight.
We look like dweebs.
Yes, you do.
That's your wedding present to your mother.
These suspenders are pulling my pants up too high.
I feel like I'm sitting on a rope.
Go loosen 'em up a little.
I want grandkids.
Okay, I'll take these out to the backyard and arrange them around the altar.
Oh, and, Adam, I think what you're doing today is incredibly romantic.
(LAUGHS) That's a hint, Don.
I'm all over it, baby.
So in a few hours, you're gonna make an honest woman - out of Andi.
- Yeah.
She's very excited.
Apparently, I'm the world's greatest husband based on her limited information.
But after tonight we'll be back to being married, and I can pretend this whole thing never happened.
You seem a little jumpy, son.
I saw that look run past me in Vietnam a lot.
Yeah, I'm jumpy.
I got a lot of balls in the air, a lot of stories.
It's complicated.
Hey, listen, if you were gonna tell her the truth, you should have done it the day you found out.
The cover-up is always worse than the crime.
Why didn't you say that when we were having the war council? - I just thought of it.
- Oh.
Don't give me a bunch of beers and then ask me serious questions.
Well, you know what? Andi will be home any minute from getting her hair done, she'll see how beautiful everything looks out there, we'll tie the knot, and I'll be home free.
All right, I'm gonna go get your mom.
She's been up on blocks at the beauty shop getting a full refurb.
(KNOCKING) Oh, that'll be Lowell with cake.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Who are you? - Pastor Carl.
Son of a bitch.
Pastor Carl, what are you doing here? (SCOFFS) I need to talk to Andi.
Turns out, I got to make amends to her, too.
I got a meeting in a few hours, and if I get Andi, I can move on to step ten.
Well, settle in to step nine 'cause you're not talking to her.
You got to get out of here.
No, no.
I'm not going anywhere until I see Andi.
Okay, uh, fine.
Um Tell me what you want to say to her, and I'll text it to her.
Then you can leave, and I'll text you what she says.
She'll probably say something like, "I forgive you.
Don't ever come to my house again, and, you know" No.
Don't sit! I got bad knees from standing at the craps table.
Okay, fine.
You know what? I'll go get her.
- She's out in the driveway.
- Yeah.
Hey, is this champagne for anybody? Yeah, anybody but you.
So I just need you to pretend to be my wife for, like, five minutes.
You have got to be kidding me.
Do it for Andi, huh? How you would feel if you found out you weren't really married to Don? - Yeah, that's not gonna get you there.
- Yeah, okay, okay, bad example.
Look, but I'm in a real spot here.
This is my home.
I'd like to keep living here.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe I'll like Andi's second husband better.
Yeah, maybe he'll want to play tennis with me.
- Oh.
- Well, think about Andi's feelings, okay? She loved our wedding.
It meant everything to her.
If you could help me fix this without her finding out, it would really spare her a lot of heartache.
- Okay, I'll do it for Andi.
- Okay.
But I have one condition.
- Anything.
- I'm taking voice lessons, and you're gonna let me sing at the renewal ceremony.
Whatever you want.
Yeah.
How long you been taking - voice lessons? - My first one is Tuesday.
Oh.
Okay.
Here's my wife Andi, so you can make your amends and move on.
You looked a lot different at the wedding.
(MUTTERS) Well, you know, living with me takes it toll.
I'm not buying this.
If that's really Andi, kiss her.
Whoa.
Hey, Padre, whoa, whoa, whoa.
If you're looking for a thrill, go to the library, get on their Wi-Fi, like the rest of us.
- Don.
- You're not kissing my wife.
Okay, fine.
She's not my wife.
But you got to get out of here.
My real wife will be here any minute.
I'll tell you what I'll give you a hundred dollars to just go back to being a gambler.
Remember how fun that was, huh? Hey honey.
Oh, my God.
- Pastor Carl? - DON: All right.
Let's back it up.
This is gonna get bumpy.
Mm-hmm.
I can't believe this.
You got Pastor Carl to do the renewal because he married us the first time? You are full of surprises.
(LAUGHING): I sure am, yeah.
But, unfortunately, Pastor Carl can't do it 'cause he's, uh he's booked.
Yeah, he just came by to give us the bad news in person.
Oh, that's such a shame.
You know what? I'll do it.
I'll cancel everything.
- You will? - Yeah.
I just love making people happy! - Yay! - Yay! ADAM: Hey! But you said you didn't have your license anymore.
Well, who cares? It's just a renewal.
Yeah, let's get happy.
- ANDI: Yes! - ADAM: No! No! No! No! Andi, Pastor Carl can't do it.
- Well, why not? He just said he could.
- Yeah.
But he isn't a licensed pastor.
And-and-and And he wasn't when he married us the first time.
What? Oh.
Uh, what does that mean? Okay, technically and this is really just a small clerical thing we're not legally married.
Amends made.
Good night.
(DOOR CLOSES) Oh, my God, so that's why She's putting it together.
Wait.
What?! - Nope.
She lost it.
- Oh.
- I-I'll walk her through it.
- Oh.
The renewal wasn't a renewal.
He was trying to marry you without you knowing because that guy wasn't pasteurized.
Okay, she's all caught up.
Back to you.
But the good news is we're all set to fix this today, okay? I got a real pastor coming over.
I checked his papers and everything, so what do you say? Let's get hitched.
I don't think so.
(to "Here Comes the Bride"): Da, da-da, da Da, da Oh, Adam.
You're so beautiful.
Remember when that was fun? You know what? It's all coming back to me now.
I gave you the pastor to hire for our wedding.
Where did Pastor Carl even come from? I mean, why didn't you just hire my guy? My actual minister guy, my not-addicted-to-gambling guy? I didn't know he was addicted to gambling.
I was just trying to save a few bucks.
Your guy was so expensive.
I'm sorry.
We're not married because you're cheap? You know, some people say that's one of my best qualities.
You know, I can deal with a discount chicken, okay? But this? I mean, come on, Adam, we're not really married.
I just know that there's always a storm coming.
I think the storm is here.
I'm just saying, we have been through some times.
You remember 2008? I didn't build a house for ten months.
We almost had to move in with my parents.
They had one bathroom, Andi.
One bathroom, no fan, just a book of matches.
But we had our rainy day fund, so we got to stay here.
Okay, I get it.
But our wedding, Adam? You skimped on our wedding.
I skimped on our wedding because I cared about our marriage.
Which doesn't legally exist.
I am working on that.
I almost had it today.
I was this close! (CLEARS THROAT) Look, when we were first engaged, I didn't know if the business was gonna work.
I was freaking out.
Well, why didn't you just tell me that? Because I didn't want you to worry.
Andi, I wanted to give you everything, but I didn't have anything.
All I had was you.
(SIGHS) Well, now look what you did.
You gave me the feels.
You know, if you marry me again, I promise that every time I make coffee You'll only use the coffee pod once? No, I can't do that.
But I will always give you the first cup.
- I'll take it.
- (LAUGHS) Let's get married again for the first time.
Great! Yeah.
I get another crack at our wedding night.
I know what you like now.
Thanks for marrying me today, Mrs.
Burns.
Turns out that was a real quick fix down at the courthouse.
Mm-hmm.
If I just told you in the beginning, I could have avoided a lot of trouble.
Well, you're right about one thing.
Our first wedding night was pretty wild.
- Mm-hmm.
- But this one's even better.
Yeah, I see what you're going for there, but no.
(LAUGHS) Well, you're a good man.
It's not easy to find a guy to marry you when you're in your 40s and you got three kids.
Whose feet stink?