Marley's Ghosts (2011) s02e02 Episode Script

1 WOMEN LAUGH CAR HORN BEEPS - MARLEY: Hi! STACEY: It's your new neighbour.
- LULU: Look away, look away! MARLEY: Excuse me.
STACEY: Don't look round, she's getting out the car.
What are you doing? - MICHAEL: No, no, I wasn't I was just not, not, I wasn't.
We're sports enthusiasts, innocently enjoying the spectacle of sporting activity.
Brilliant.
Which happens to be a group of attractive women bouncing around in lycra.
Which happens to be a sporting activity.
Yeah, well, I wouldn't want anyone watching me when I exercise.
I've never seen you exercise.
- Don't go there.
Well of course I exercise, how do you think I stay in shape? By never sitting down.
Really not helping yourself.
Oh, Jill? Can I have a word? Not in trouble, am I? What? Abby? This is a surprise.
Mia, say hello to your Auntie Marley.
MIA SCOFFS She's out of control, she doesn't listen to me she thinks she's some sort of a rebel.
ABBY SIGHS Jesus was a rebel didn't like authority.
She goes to clubs, she's in a band! Wasn't in a band, could've been though, had the hair.
She just doesn't listen to me, she's a - - Shh! I'm on the phone.
See! - Shh! I'm on the phone, Mother.
MIA: What? Yeah I'm just with mum and Auntie Marley.
What? Oh no she's just some bird.
Auntie Marley is not just some bird.
Well unless she meant like 'some bird' you know? Like, hot.
- SHE LAUGHS Did you mean it like that? - No.
- Oh.
I meant the shit version.
- Mia! Yeah and mum says I've gotta stay with her for the night.
What?! - Umm.
Oh it's just for a night, I need to get my head straight, please? Marley I just need some time by myself.
Oh.
Well, what am I supposed to do with her? You're a magistrate, teach her right from wrong and that means no going out, no meeting boys and no going down that awful club.
I trust you, don't let me down.
JILL: Marley, did you want a word? Oh yes er no Abby, Abby, Abby, Abby hang on! Wait wait! What did you want to say? - Uhm, yes, er Oh, it's nice you being here.
I was in a band once, well, choir, it's all singing, isn't it? There was no after show parties though, or sex, just cream teas.
Got some cake stuck once and vomited though, which is actually quite rock n' roll, isn't it? SHE LAUGHS - MARLEY: I'll get us some wine, Jill.
JILL: Juice! - OK! JILL: I've got to watch the weight.
What are you doing? Well Philippa Gotley and Carol Strong have taken their skirts up so I'm taking mine up.
SHE LAUGHS - I don't think so.
Why not? - You're not my mum.
No, er, I'm your auntie and tonight it seems I'm responsible for you.
Well, if I can't have a shorter skirt can I at least borrow some high heels? Oh you'd look good in high heels.
No one's wearing high heels.
No short skirt, no high heels, this is so unfair! JILL: Marley? Coming.
You know back in the day I just used to stroll over to girls like that start chatting.
Then tragedy struck and it all had to stop.
You dies.
No, I met Marley.
Although I suppose death and being married to Marley amount to much the same thing.
No more sharking for Adamski.
No more what-ing? You know, chatting to girls, enjoying yourself.
WOMEN LAUGH What? Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I can't go over there and start chatting.
They can't see you, they can't hear you.
And your point is? My point is they can't talk back.
Right, so they can't reject me, or trick me, or insist that I wear deodorant.
I can talk to beautiful girls and they can't do anything about it.
Yeah but actually that sounds great.
- Yeah.
Sorry about that, Jill, I got my niece staying.
Oh, that's nice.
Mm really.
So what did you want to? Oh, yeah.
I feel like the new girl at school and I saw you out with your jogging group and I thought maybe I could, you know, join in.
Ah Oh, problem? You know this is so unfair, everyone says make the most of yourself.
Oh that's good advice.
Well Robert Collins says I've got the best legs in class.
I bet he does, you're a honey.
Yeah, she's sixteen.
You should wear high heels.
- No, she's not wearing high heels Well in that case you should shorten your skirt.
- No one's shortening their skirt.
But Robert Collins thinks she's got the best legs in class.
Well when she's got the best grades in class maybe she can get some high heels.
I do get the best grades in class.
Really? Well done.
- Right, so shall we go get me some high heels? SHE LAUGHS - Absolutely not.
I hate you! You know this is so typical of people like you just because you can't be sexy anymore means you won't let anyone else be sexy.
Teenagers.
It's a difficult age.
- Mmm.
Complexities of hormones.
According to recent research the young - I'm still sexy, aren't I? I think we should go across.
- Oh, Marley wouldn't like it.
Marley doesn't have to know.
Huh.
SUE: What did she want? Er, I'll tell you later.
So are we gonna go out tonight? Sure, I know it, Sue? I'm up for it.
Lulu? Why not? - Stacey? Got some things to do at home first, but yeah.
No problem, Sue, do you need to pop home too? I need to pop home too.
Um, so we should meet back here, what? Nine o'clock? - Nine thirty? Even better! - Fantastic.
See you later.
- THEY BLOW KISSES Ciao, ciao.
- Ciao, ciao, ciao.
HE LAUGHS You see, you say the right thing at the right time, it's like we're not even dead.
MARLEY: Am I just plain old Auntie Marley? My husband and lover are looking at other women; my niece says I'm not sexy.
I'm still sexy.
I said, I'm still sexy.
Still what? - Sexy.
Who is? Oh God, how hard can this be? Can someone say something nice to me? Cow.
- Where do you think you're going? I'm meeting my mates.
What, dressed like that? We're going on to Karma's, it's party night.
You look smashing.
Yeah, you're not going out.
You can't stop me.
Do you know what, tonight I'm responsible for you so you will do what I say when I say it.
No I won't.
I can be pretty terrifying.
M: warm Yeah I, I'm quite strict.
- She's not.
Can you shut up, Vicar.
- What? Nothing.
Yeah, yeah, I'm dull old Auntie Marley, well, you're not wearing that or that.
And that, well I don't even know what that, I mean, how can anybody wear that? You've gotta be in shape.
I'm in shape.
No, you have a shape.
And if that's the shape you're happy with then I mean, I know you're at a difficult age now.
I'm not at a difficult age! I'm perfectly placed somewhere in the middle.
Bloody cheek! Difficult age! Argh, you cow! SHE SIGHS SHE SIGHS HE HUMS TO POP MUSIC No she isn't.
Yes she is.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh I've just seen - - Hang on, someone at the door.
Is it Oh! Marley.
Hi Jill.
- Marley, I've - Have you asked the girls if I can join your - - No, I haven't had a chance.
I just wanted to tell you - - She's just seen Mia climbing out the bedroom window.
I've just seen - Mia climbing out the bedroom window.
Excuse me.
Mia! Oh.
She's gone.
What was the name of that club? Wow, I've never been to a club before.
How do I look? No one can see you, Vicar.
- Yes.
Yes, no that's probably a good thing.
Er, sorry, where are you going? Oh, er, I need to get inside.
No, no, no I don't think so.
Oh no you, I've got a niece in there so I just need to pop in, get her and pop back out.
No, I don't think so.
Yeah, OK, so I'm a magistrate, yeah? The law! And I demand to be allowed in.
Ah, well why didn't you say you was a representative of the law.
I mean here at Karma's we welcome a constant legal presence at all times.
Ah err, what are you, an idiot? Sod off.
I never felt so good I never felt so good I never felt so good I never felt so good I never felt so good Na na na na I've been breaking all of my own traditions And I've been through I'll pay.
- It's twenties to thirties only.
Well my niece is sixteen, she got in.
Well she obviously looks old enough, you don't.
What really? Oh no you don't mean that in a good way, do you? Look, I've gotta get in so I can get her out.
I've never felt so good I've never felt so good I've never felt so good I've never felt so good I've never felt so good - SHE SHOUTS Are you thirty? Could be.
No, you couldn't.
- I could be thirty.
Thirty-one.
Thirty-two.
Thirty-three.
Thirty - oh come on, stop me.
Not yet.
Give it to me now Shitty shit shit.
HE SIGHS Are you coming in, or what? It is brilliant.
Is Mia inside? - Who? The: reason we're here? - Er I don't know.
Got involved in some, um, some dancing, I think it was dancing whatever it was it was fun.
Are you gonna come in and see if you can find Mia? Yeah, well, I can't get in, it's twenty to thirties only.
Oh.
In the right light I could be thirty, yeah? Thirty-one? Thirty-two? Thirty, oh I'm not playing this.
Playing what? - The game I always lose.
We should probably go and find Mia.
Yeah but how can I? I don't look young enough.
You know what you need to do? - What? Oh no no I can't.
Oh go on you know you want to.
No I couldn't, could I, could I? Could I do that? Only one way to find out.
Come on.
UPBEAT MUSIC Oh.
Let's get you jazzled up.
You're gonna need kissy lips.
And rosy cheeks, they all had rosy cheeks.
Yeah big lashes, everything, everything was big.
I don't think your hair can be big enough.
Right let's get those toes twinkling.
Oh I wish I could join in.
Right, let's get back to that dancing.
MICHAEL: It's time to party.
THEY ALL SCREAM THEY LAUGH Let's go wild.
THEY ALL SCREAM Come on! THEY CHEER We should try that new bar on the High Street.
Oh good idea.
Oh they don't do dancing.
- Oh no.
Tafler's do dancing.
What about Tafler's? - Tafler's.
I'm happy with that.
- Sure.
Great idea.
.
Thank you, Jill.
This is brilliant.
- I know Let's go berserk.
THE WOMEN SCREAM THE MEN CHEER CLUB MUSIC PLAYS Exciting, isn't it? We're not here for excitement, we're here to find Mia.
Oh there's my girls.
Marley, Marley? Yeah.
I'm being checked out.
What? Being checked out, that lad over there's Oh no he can't see me, can he.
Oh he's checking you out, he's checking you out.
Look we're not here to be Which one? We should find Mia.
- What? Mia? Oh yeah, let's split up.
Yes.
Oh.
Hi.
Dylan.
I wasn't sure if this top went with this skirt so I was gonna wear this, what do you think? Try it on.
- I think you should.
Oh, I like this one.
Adam, Stacey's taking her top off.
- So? She doesn't know we're here, it's not really cricket.
What's that supposed to mean? It means I don't think I should look.
Then don't, I'm happy to look for both of us.
No I don't think either of us should look.
Not, not when they're undressing.
Earlier you watched Jill when she changed her skirt.
I did not.
I saw you sneak a peek.
- I did not sneak a You're looking at Stacey now.
I'm fine, yeah I'm looking at her now but that's, that's only because I'm talking about her I'm now turning away.
Jesus.
Sorry.
She can't hear you or see you.
Have you told that bloody Marley yet? Mmm, not yet.
What? Told her what? You're trying to sneak a peek.
- I'm not trying I'm just trying to find out what their problem with Marley is.
- While sneaking a peek.
I'm not.
Fine, I'm sneaking a peek Disgusting.
You're gonna have to tell her sometime.
- MICHAEL: What? Tell Marley what? Look, Dylan, there's a lot of pretty girls here.
No, there is only one pretty girl here.
Well that's very sweet and you're very charming.
Uhm oh I'm gonna have to go.
SHE LAUGHS I've gotta find someone, but thanks.
You're supposed to be looking for Mia.
Yes yeah I am, I'm looking, I'm looking.
One drink.
Look, I don't think you realise how old I am.
I get it right and I get a kiss.
You get it right, you get a slap.
You're twenty-eight.
Oh come on.
Twenty-seven? - Just stop.
Twenty-six, twenty-five.
You gonna stop me? No.
You're not going to stop me? I don't think I can.
SHE GASPS What the -? It's just so wrong.
- Yeah, but it feels so right.
SHE GASPS Bloody hell.
Look I'm not slapping you, I'm slapping me well I am slapping you because you're the one that gets hurt but Marley.
- Yes.
Mia.
Oh yeah.
I'm gonna have to go.
Sorry, er, Vicar, c'mon.
Might just stay for a bit.
Hello young lady.
We're in a club, please don't young lady me! Right, out.
Oh I've just seen Marley come home.
Go and tell her now.
She's not gonna be happy about it.
Is this too much? - STACEY: Mm mm.
If you got it flaunt it.
I think that's fair, Michael? Do you think we should tell Marley? You could get away with another button.
- You think? Why not? If we don't tell her now she's just gonna keep on asking.
Um, well, I'll tell her in my own good time, I'll tell her tomorrow.
If they're not gonna tell her, we should.
Otherwise she'll just make a fool of herself.
Fine.
MIA: Yeah and I want my stuff washed before you give it back and by the way, you looked ridiculous.
PHONE RINGS - Thank you.
Hi Abby.
Yeah, yeah, she's fine.
Oh, you know, quiet night in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, alright she's here.
Hang on.
It's your mum.
Oh really? What? Are you behaving yourself? Because if not you're gonna get it in the neck.
Yeah, yeah.
Now I know that Auntie Marley is as boring as a plank of wood and doesn't know anything about children let alone teenagers but just give her a break and be nice and that means no swearing and no texting and no sexting and no going down that silly club.
Just stay in and do your homework like a normal teenager.
Yeah, yeah, just a quiet night in.
Promise me, no going out.
Now, Auntie Marley looking after you? Yes, I've said Mother, I'm fine, Auntie Marley's great.
Not.
WHOOSHING SOUND Can we have a word? About what? Well, we were just hanging out opposite, you know giving you some space, some quality time with your niece, and, er And we, we, we, we happened to hear What? What did you hear? What's the problem? - MICHAEL: Well Well you know how you always think everyone likes you? Yeah.
ADAM: Well - They don't.
DISTANT POLICE SIREN KNOCKS AT DOOR Bit awkward.
I know you're new in the area and you wanna make new friends but all this joining in with the girls bit You're a magistrate.
The law.
It's like going out with a policeman.
I mean sometimes, you know, we're out, we meet younger men.
PHONE BEEPS Oh, taxi.
You tell her, Sue.
Marley's gonna lose it.
We can behave badly.
We drink too much, we've been known to vomit we can be disorderly.
Well I can behave badly, I can be disorderly.
So can my sister.
- I'd like to meet her.
You did, you gave her three months for being disorderly.
You don't remember? No, but in my defence I put away a lot of people and I don't often remember - Not helping myself, am I? Look, the thing is - Jill's just seen Mia running down the street.
I've just seen - - Mia running down the street, excuse me.
How does she do that? Maybe we should've left it till the morning.
Ah well, what's done is done.
Tafler's! Mia's come back.
What? - Have you seen her? Oh, I like it! We should do this more often, shouldn't we? Just get out, meet people Have you seen Mia? No.
Oh.
- Hi again.
Oh, you've changed.
- Oh.
- Wow.
Yeah, what this, oh really, wow? Look, sorry about the slapping.
I, but I um Shall we go and sit down? CLUB MUSIC PLAYS And, er, and there are some people that think I'm not fun but, you know, I'm fun.
You're a magistrate? That's really sexy.
Oh it is not, it's not sexy, is it? Is it sexy? Really sexy.
Sorry, I couldn't help myself! If we had sex - We're not going to have sex.
Which is a good thing, it'd probably be the worst sex in the world.
What? On the other hand.
On the other hand? Auntie Marley? Mia, I'm just about to find out what's on the other hand.
Thank God you're here.
What? - You have to help me.
Oh why? Oh God, I promised your mum I'd look after you, no boys, no clubs.
What's she gonna say? Well I don't know, why don't you ask her.
- PEOPLE LAUGH Everyone's laughing at her, we have to get her out.
MARLEY: Oh God.
Yep if you're gonna grab the bouncer's nuts we're gonna get kicked out.
THEY CHAN Grab his nuts! Grab his nuts! JILL: Shh Wham mm What? - Listen.
Oh, drink? No thanks, Stacey? Thanks.
Getting kicked out of a club, all-night jacuzzi, brilliant! There's an echo in here.
A what? - An echo.
We're bad girls.
Stacey's hot! THEY LAUGH I grabbed the bouncer's nuts.
This is the best night of my life.
We're ghosts, we're dead, we don't get an echo.
Let's do naked jacuzzi.
THEY CHEER Well, it has its advantages.
THEY LAUGH ABBY: I didn't want Mia to see me in here.
Right, so let's dump Mia on old Auntie Marley for the night then.
ABBY: Argh! I'm allowed a life.
I haven't had much of one since your dad left me and you're the one who said that this is where the boys were, so I just thought I'd come and find one, anyone, sexy and flirt and feel alive again.
Excited.
To see if I've still got it.
And have you? No.
No one wanted to talk to me or dance with me or kiss me.
What the bloody hell are you wearing? Well at least I haven't got emojis on my bosoms.
That's Mia's school skirt.
Yeah, I mean I had to get into the club.
You've taken it up.
- Thanks, Auntie Marley.
Oh, you're not wearing that.
- Well, Robert Collins did say she had the best legs in class.
Yes, well, until she's got the best grades - She has.
She has got the best grades.
Really? - Yeah.
And do you know what, you were right, this was too long and you've so got the legs for it.
So have you.
Oh don't be - I have, haven't I? No, no.
We've just got to come to terms with it, both of us.
We're old, finished.
Life from now on is just gonna be dull, dull no one interesting is ever gonna find us interesting and we're wrinkled and past it.
This is the best night ever.
Vicar? Oh, Dylan.
Do you fancy coming back to my place? Oh, Dylan, look, you're very sweet and, er, quite persistent but it's not gonna happen.
Mum's out, got the place to ourselves.
Oh that's quite a chat up line.
Er, I don't think so.
She won't be home for ages, alright, she's out with her girlfriends when they get together it's always crazy.
Dylan, where do you live? THEY GIGGLE Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh.
THEY LAUGH There's more where this came from.
Best night of my life.
Let's get some music on.
Shh what's that? What's what? - MUSIC FROM OTHER ROOM It's all very strange.
The music's already on.
That's not dance music.
- That sounds like make-out music.
SUE: Dylan! Oh, hi Sue.
Marley? HE SIGHS - Mum.
I hope you've got a bloody good reason for being on the sofa with my son.
Adam? You don't even know his name.
What sort of woman are you? Michael? It's Dylan.
Well, you said you wanted disorderly behaviour.
So? Doesn't get much worse than getting caught with your neighbour's son.
I can't believe you'd - Too far? A little bit.
Well, next time can you be clearer? Oh my God, some people.
You want me to behave badly, I behave badly then you say I'm badly behaved, there's no pleasing you.
Nice to meet you, Dylan.
Bouncer said we was out of order.
He was out of order so we gave him a slap.
Vicar, you do know you didn't have to spend the night in the cell with them.
Can't do the crime don't do the time.
Your honour.
But you didn't do anything, you're dead.
Oh yeah, I give it plenty.
Give it what? It's, it's street talk, you won't understand, you know, it's like, um SHE KISSES HER TEETH bare good, er, taste, brap.
Who are you? What have you done with my Vicar?