M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e02 Episode Script

##[P.
A.
.]
##[Man Singing "Chattanooga Choo Choo"In Korean.]
- Hold on, just a second, just a second.
- How much? Gimme the money.
Okay, you got it.
All right, fine.
Do you have a bet? All right.
Okay.
Hold it.
I'll give you Okay.
[P.
A.
Announcer.]
Attention, all personnel.
Attention.
Three minutes to Charlie.
Repeat.
Three minutes to Charlie.
Try to feel compassionate.
Remember, even one of our saints received a "DearJohn" letter.
[P.
A.
Announcer.]
Attention, all personnel.
Attention.
Three minutes to Charlie.
Has anyone picked 40 yards, Radar? - Uh, oh, no, Father.
It's still open.
- Good, good.
If I'm lucky, the proceeds go to the Bible fund.
Oh, me too.
[British Accent.]
I say, Reggie, you come here often? - Only when my horse is running.
- Rather! Ah, our turf accountant.
Jolly good.
You guys got the same place as yesterday? Of course, my good man, and be quick about it.
Trapper, you're 47.
Hawkeye, 62.
- Good show.
Carry on.
- Hip, hip.
- Right-o.
- Cheerio.
You guys got a cold? [P.
A.
Announcer.]
Won't be long now.
Stand by for Charlie.
- Take cover! - Air raid! What air raid? It's Five o'clock Charlie.
He's the enemy trying to destroy us from the sky! Oh, come on, Frank.
He's been trying for six weeks.
- He hasn't hit anything yet.
- He washed out of kamikaze school.
He's a loner, Frank, a misfit.
He's an airborne menace, and he's going to bomb us! Well, he has a lovely day for it, hasn't he, Reggie? - Oh, hear, hear.
- Where, where? Frank, give them a direct order.
Oh, do, Frank.
We've never ignored one of those.
I'm a major! You're only captains.
- That's just an accident of birth.
- Yes, we were born majors.
Someone switched us in our cribs.
- Very funny.
- True.
We're twins.
Identical majors.
- Shall we? - Rather.
How can you clown this way? Don't you realize the danger you're in? - Frank, you realize for us.
- And you protect us, Uncle Frank.
ByJove, I believe I hear Charlie.
- Who put water in my gun? - How do you know it's water? - This isn't even Where is my gun? - We sold it.
- We beat it into plowshares.
- It's not funny, hiding my weapon! I say, shall we toddle off? Oh, yes.
No one's seated after the first act.
- Metzenbaum scissors.
- Metz.
- I can't see anything.
Retractor.
- Big or little? The big one.
Boy, this kid's got more junk in him than a used car lot.
[P.
A.
Announcer.]
Attention.
Attention.
One minute to Charlie.
The betting book is now closed.
Here he comes, that old bugger.
Right on time.
- What's your number, Ginger? - Thirty-two and a half yards.
Forget it, honey.
You haven't got a chance.
Three-oh-chromic, G.
I.
- What number have you got? - You got two instruments here.
Just one at a time.
That's a girl.
Well, I'm not saying.
I'm not saying.
Two of mine were stolen last week.
- Gimme some more retraction.
- My little arms are breaking already.
[Chuckles.]
Thirty-two and a half yards.
You're out of your pretty little mind, honey.
All right, Doctor, let's clean this place up.
That's a boy.
[Chattering.]
How can you sit there and just let yourself get bombed? - One good bombing deserves another.
- Down in front, Frank.
- Honestly, you can't take him anywhere.
- ##[Bugle: "Call To Post".]
And now, direct from North Korea, here he is for the sixth hit week Five o'clock Charlie, his airplane and his astigmatism! [Engine Sputtering.]
- Ah, there he is Charles.
- Oh, yes.
[Sputtering Continues.]
- Hello, Charles! - I say, he's got a cough today.
- It's a wonder he can fly at all.
- Oh, yes.
- He looks rather peaked to me.
- Fragile.
[Crowd Cheering.]
[Bomb Whistling.]
Well done, Charles! [Cheering.]
Jolly good.
Jolly good.
- But he missed.
- Ah, yes.
Bad luck, Charles.
See you tomorrow.
[P.
A.
Announcer.]
And that concludes Five o'clock Charlie for today, folks.
Hope you enjoyed him as much as North Korea enjoyed bringing him to you.
Results of the pool will be announced in just a few minutes.
Join us tomorrow, same time.
Until then, have a nice war.
Say, shall we repair to the digs and wait for the results? Good idea.
We're nearly out of plasma.
Nurse, you're out of uniform.
- Where? - How about my place in five minutes? - Colonel! - Frank, Charlie is like one of our own.
I mean, how else would we know it's 5:00 if he didn't come over and try to blast that ammo dump? Why can't anyone take this seriously? It's cute, huh? I got this little outfit in the Tokyo P.
X.
Last week.
Colonel, I must insist I didn't know they were naked underneath.
You're not supposed to look under there.
Colonel, I insist you do something about these raids! Aw, gimme a break, Frank.
Get off my back.
Well, history certainly repeats itself.
Nobody listened to Billy Mitchell either.
Who's Billy Mitchell? A general who advocated a strong air force.
- Gary Cooper played him.
- I thought he played Sergeant York.
He did, but he also played Billy Mitchell and Lou Gehrig.
And he was for a strong air force.
Hey, that's pretty surprising for a first baseman.
I am certain that General Clayton would send us an antiaircraft gun.
And I am sure that General Clayton is not in the rent-a-gun service.
And anyway, who'd shoot the thing? Well, I've had some gunnery experience.
I was in the R.
O.
T.
C.
You'd think a man with R.
O.
T.
C.
Training wouldn't go peeking up a doll's skirt.
- Well, I am a doctor.
- Mm-hmm.
- Anyway, what about calling the general? - I can't call the general, Frank.
General Clayton's not in his office, sir.
They'll call back.
- I didn't want to talk to him anyway.
- Well, he's not there.
This is yours, sir.
You came closest with 75-1/2 yards.
- There's almost a hundred bucks there! - Zowie! Holy moley! CorporalJohnson came next with 22-3/4.
- Oh, yeah? - This is insane! Nobody bet on the Battle of Britain.
"He who controls the skies controls the war.
" Hermann Goering said that.
Yeah, well, he also wore tutus and ate whole bakeries, Frank.
- I'll file these forms.
- Yeah, file those forms.
Whoops! Hi, Henry.
Just heard the great news.
Hey, congratulations, Henry.
You got a contract out on Henry, Frank? We're having a poker game in the Swamp tonight.
Saved you a seat.
- If you can't make it, just send money.
- This calls for a celebration.
- General Clayton, sir.
- Oh, thanks, Radar.
Henry Blake here.
Get me General Clayton right away, please.
Oh, this is General Clayton.
Well, Henry Blake here.
H-How are you, General? Oh, just fine.
No, no, sir, no.
I'm afraid you were a little short.
Well, no, I think you had, uh, uh Radar? - Fifty-two yards, Colonel.
- Fifty-two yards, Colonel.
Right.
Uh, oh, sir, excuse me.
While I've got you on the pipe, the suggestion's been made that we could use an oh-four W.
W.
"nug.
" Yeah, that's right, sir.
A nug so that we can, uh, uh What's a nug, sir? Well, a nug is a, uh A gun, sir.
A 40 "M.
M.
" gun.
- Henry, you gotta be kidding! - We definitely do not need a nug.
- Keep your snoots out of this! - We don't need a gun or a nug.
What are you trying to do, get us into the war? General, listen, you send a gun up here and that's gonna draw fire.
- That won't do our wounded much good.
- Give me that! Get rid of the ammo dump and we won't need a gun! Do you mind? The previous suggestion is contraindicated.
We need an antiaircraft gun desperately, General! Frank, how would you like a spontaneous nose job? Henry Blake again, General.
What's that, sir? Uh-huh, yeah, sure.
Check on that.
Put him down for 64 yards for tomorrow.
Hawkeye and Trapper have 64 yards.
- Well, give it to him.
- What difference does it make? Stupid.
Yes, sir.
You've got a bet, sir.
Sixty-four yards.
What's that, sir? Oh, yes, yes, sir, that's a good idea, as always.
Well, yes, sir.
Thank you.
Nice Bye.
Well, he's coming up tomorrow to look over the situation.
You better tell Hot Lips to warm up a merry widow.
Oh, now, that's filthy! Henry, it's insane to arm this place.
Will you just keep your pants on till Clayton gets here? He'll decide.
Honestly, you all make me sick! I think he means we're contraindicated.
Someday all of this will come out: Your behavior, your filthy language, your betting on the enemy.
And believe me, it'll be a shameful page for Uncle Sam.
Oh, Frank, look, the general's comin' up here.
- Isn't that good enough for ya? - Yeah, what more do you want? I want everybody to understand that this is war and that war is a call to arms.
Here's our money, mister.
Don't staple us.
Someday all this will come out.
[Brakes Squeal.]
- Terribly sorry, Padre.
- Oh, that's all right, General.
I'll just turn the other cheek.
Get yourself something to eat, Sergeant.
Psst! Margaret! Quickly, before word gets out that I'm here.
Uh, y-you know Major Burns? Major Frank Burns? Yes, of course.
Burns.
We wanted to talk to you before anybody else about the gun.
- There's a war on, General.
- I read the papers.
The major and l we two majors feel that the colonel and a certain two captains That's two majors against a colonel and two captains.
What the major is trying to say, General, is that we feel they will - The colonel and two captains.
- Try to influence you against the gun.
Nothing can make a general's mind up for him.
I'll decide this matter myself.
[P.
A.
Announcer.]
Attention! Five minutes to Charlie.
Five minutes.
- Now's your chance, General.
- I'd better tell Blake I'm in camp.
- Major, I'll want to discuss this later.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
- Privately! Oh, excuse me.
I'm sorry, sir.
Sorry.
Oh, it's classic, Henry.
The ammo dump, the road.
Store material near hospitals so the enemy will leave it alone.
Hmm? Learned it from the Germans.
Great.
Now we're taking lessons from the losers.
General, listen.
Instead of trying to knock out Charlie, just get rid of this.
That'll keep him away.
Or does that make too much sense? Well, I really don't think a gun is necessary.
- Do you, Henry? - Certainly not.
Unless you think I should think otherwise.
No, I don't think that.
And we have a new winner in the "definite maybe" sweepstakes.
[P.
A.
Announcer.]
One minute to Charlie! One minute! Uh, sir, I think we might be safer behind that rock back there.
Good thinking, Henry.
[Engine Sputtering.]
[P.
A.
Announcer.]
And here he is, for your wartime pleasure, the one and only Five o'clock Charlie! Way to go, Charlie! [Bomb Whistling.]
I knew I should have bet on the jeep today.
- Henry? - Yes, sir? You've got your gun.
To the right flank, "harch"! To the rear, harch! Detail, halt, two, three.
Men, I don't have to tell you of the importance of our mission.
We are the first surgical unit to have an antiaircraft capability.
Our success is vital.
I repeat, vital.
The eyes of the military are upon us.
Now, first off, um, any of you speak, uh, English? Yes, sir, also French, Italian and a little German.
Sehr gut.
Then you will be platoon leader.
- I thought that you were platoon leader.
- Oh, well, I am.
But for purposes of our table of organization, I am the commander.
So you will be platoon leader, you will be squad leader, and you will be the squad.
The enemy very foolishly attacks at the same time every day.
There's no element of surprise.
The man does not possess an ounce of cleverness, which shows you the limitation of Oriental thinking.
No offense.
Hep, hup, hip, four.
Hep, hup, hip, four.
Hep, hup, hip, four.
Hep, hup, hip, four.
To the rear, march! Hep, hup, hip, four! To the rear, march! Hep, hup, hip, four.
To the right flank, march! To the rear, march! To the left flank, march! To the rear, march! Halt! Right and left face! Cut that out, face! Count off! - Are you one? - Yes, are you? That's not funny.
Count off! - One.
That's about it.
- Two.
Okay.
At ease.
That strikes me funny, not.
I think it ill behooves us Behooves? What are we, in the cavalry now? I think it ill behooves us to show such a frivolous and flippant attitude in front of our Korean allies.
Come on, Frank, don't you understand? Fire draws fire.
You shoot that thing and the next day we'll have real planes, MIGs down here throwing bombs at our wounded.
Maybe you haven't noticed in the operating room, but we do have wounded.
The combination of malpractice and flop sweat makes it hard for him to see.
I know what my duty is, and I intend to do it! - Fall in! - [Yelps.]
About face! Forward march! Hep, hup, hep, four.
Hep, hup, hep, four.
Hep, hup, hep, four.
[Firecracker Pops.]
Attaboy, Frank! Flush 'em outta the sky! How we gonna stop Frank? On one of his nocturnal visits to Hot Lips, we sew him to the tent.
No.
They'd wiggle out of that.
He'd probably love it too.
I know I would.
What about this? A skin graft over his mouth so he can't give the command to fire.
- He's trigger-happy.
- He can taste that plane.
I wish it would fly down his throat.
- It's not an uncommon phenomenon.
- Hmm? For medical men and professional guys to get gung ho.
The 325th has a paratrooper rabbi.
- A real rabbi? - Oh, yeah.
- A paratrooper? - In every way.
Except he won't jump on Saturdays.
Fascinating, but it doesn't help.
[Pierce.]
Maybe we're too sober.
Cardozo, booze? When I left the States, I promised my wife that I wouldn't have a drink or another woman till I got back to her.
- That's nice.
- Gimme a blast.
Make it a short one.
I got a date tonight.
You know, I been listening.
You guys want another opinion? You're only a dentist.
Yeah.
To you, life is something wet that hardens overnight, then you put gold on it.
What you wanna do is forget about Frank.
I mean, his kind is indestructible.
They always have been.
- That's your opinion? - Yeah.
Play, Phil.
Sing, dentist.
What you want to do is get rid of the dump.
You take away the dump, you take away the gun.
You take away the gun, you take away Frank's motivation and the menace is gone.
Just for that idea, we're gonna put you in the Christmas play.
Yeah, you can be the talking cavity.
But l-I can't give you four dozen sheets.
Oh, come on, Klein, you never turned us down before.
Yeah, but four dozen sheets? - We just met four dozen great girls.
- Four dozen! A requisition for 18 gallons of Mercurochrome? Yeah.
We got a patient with an enormous cut.
I never had a martini that way.
May I? Oh, please.
Goes great with a soap chaser.
Mmm! I gotta hand it to us, Trap.
We have made that ammo dump absolutely unmissable.
- Even for Charlie.
- Two hours to show time.
It'll be over.
And poor Frank won't be able to play with his "ack-ack" anymore.
Hey, let's do something nice for him.
All right.
How about a couple of C.
C.
's of the plague? - We could name an infection after him.
- Or make him the infection.
Either way, it's a nice gesture.
- I just had a terrible idea.
- Hmm? What if that creep gets lucky and hits Charlie before Charlie hits the dump? We'd better take care of that contingency.
Hey! This is the nurses' shower! I waited as long as I could.
She's late today.
Okay, watch it! Here he comes.
Hurry! Hi, Frank.
Down this way.
- We think it's an early abscess.
- Well, why call on me? Because when it comes to pus, we always think of you.
This is your arena.
Post-op infections, that's you.
Problem is he should've had antibiotics immediately.
You waited too long.
Now you've got a fever on your hands.
Fantastic.
He goes right to the heart of the clinical picture.
He's got eyes in the back of his stethoscope.
Doctor, I'm getting ready to do the You do that, Ginger.
Give him the 4:30 feeding.
Kind of fun working like this, huh, guys? - We got to pull together more, Frank.
- Yeah.
Amen to that, old buddy.
[Engine Sputtering.]
That's Charlie.
Why, it can't be, Frank.
It's only 4:30.
I know Charlie when I hear him.
Impossible.
You You sneaks! I've got to get to that gun.
It's Pearl Harbor all over again! [P.
A.
Announcer.]
Attention.
Two minutes to Charlie.
- Two minutes to Charlie.
- Take your positions, men! Uh, uh, uh Uh, uh, uh - 180 degrees point south.
- 180 degrees.
- By 270 point west.
- 270.
- On a sixty degree azimuth due north.
- Sixty! - A 60 degree azimuth.
Do I hear 65? - I bid 65! - Wait a minute.
He said sixty.
- Sixty! - I'm sorry, sir, we already have a 65.
- 65.
- I said 65! - Let's start all over.
- Colonel! - I have a colonel.
Do I hear a general? - I'll bid a general, one star.
- One! - A one-star general.
Do I hear two? - Two! Come on, we're not gonna let this fine war go for just a two-star general.
Henry, what they're doing is mutiny! - That's a little strong, Frank.
- I'm placing you both under arrest! [Bomb Whistling.]
I'm losing him.
Fire, damn it! Fire! - But, sir - You heard him, soldier.
Fire! Hell of a shot, Frank.
[P.
A.
Announcer.]
So, as he flies the Blue Lady of the Skies into the sunset, we say aloha, Five o'clock Charlie, and return to our duties.
Let me remind you the hospital is open 24 hours for your dining and dancing pleasure.
- Did you see this stuff on vein grafts? - Yeah, that's fantastic.
I bet that cuts down on amputations by 50 percent.
Or better.
- You know, I could eat.
- Yeah.
Hey, it's ten after 5:00.
- I miss him.
- Me too.
Hey, tell the truth, Frank.
Don't you miss Charlie? - Oh, I forgot.
You did.
- Oh, Hawk, that's in bad taste.
- If I did, it was all your fault! - Frank, why don't you join us? You don't mind eating with a couple of"peacemongers," do you? - No.
- Come on, Frank.
- Come on, come on.
- Come on, we're your two buddies.
Come on, Frank.
Why can't I stay mad at you two lugs? We'll work something out.