Master of None (2015) s02e02 Episode Script

1 [upbeat electronic music.]
[in Italian.]
Good morning.
[man.]
Good morning.
There's a beautiful woman downstairs.
She says she's here to see you.
Really? She just got here.
All right.
All right.
DiGiorno, Captain! - Arnold! - Ha ha! - [both screaming.]
- Ha ha! What are you doing here? I thought you were coming in the afternoon.
I took an earlier flight.
I wanted to surprise you, bud.
Wait, my landlord said there's a beautiful woman downstairs.
I told him to say that.
I thought it'd be cute.
Ugh, I met this girl the other day, and I lost her phone number.
I thought it was her.
Oh, I'm sorry, man.
Just me.
Guess my cute prank took a dark turn.
Anyway, Arnie's in Italia.
Let's get those jammies off, and let's get some tasty treats.
Certo! That means "of course.
" So this is Mercato Albinelli.
It's where I get all my produce, meats, cheeses, everything.
- It's the best.
- Wow, it's amazing.
It's like an Italian wonderland in here.
I know.
[in Italian.]
Hi, Luisa! Hello, Dev! - How are you? - I'm well! - May I taste? - Go ahead and taste it.
Ooh.
[in English.]
Try one of these.
Mmm.
Mamma mia, these strawberries are bomb, Cap! So what's the deal? Can you just try anything? Or are then you known as a try-and-not-buy guy? 'Cause Arnie wants to try, but I know you got a rep in this town.
I don't want to tarn that name.
No, no, we can try.
- [in Italian.]
Thank you! - [Luisa.]
Have a nice day! [in English.]
So should we just become Italians? I mean, I'm so America'd out right now.
Are you gonna stay here forever? Well, I'm done with my apprenticeship at the pasta shop, and after our buds weekend, I can either keep working there, or I can go back to New York.
- I haven't really decided.
- Yeah.
Ooh, you got to try this cheese.
Ooh, yeah.
Ciao.
Mmm.
Oh! So what's up with Rachel? Do you guys talk? Well, about a month or so ago, I told her I thought it's best if probably we didn't really talk anymore.
Yeah.
She emailed me last week for my birthday, and we've been texting a little bit.
You guys think you'll ever get back together? I don't know.
But it was fun to flirt and joke around with someone.
I got no girls here.
Yeah, you got not girls, but you got some amazing bites.
So what do you want to do next? I mean, I pretty much just plan on us eating all day with very minimal breaks.
I'm into it.
I downed a whole bottle of Pepcid AC on the plane.
I'm all pepped up and ready to go.
Andiamo.
[both.]
Eating in Italy is my favorite thing Eating in Italy is my favorite thing Dude, so what's going on with you? How's everything in New York? What's the lady situation? To be honest with you, man, Arnold is a menace right now.
I signed up for all the online dating stuff, and it's totally working.
So you're just hooking up all the time? I mean, yeah, but it's not just about the sex.
I'm meeting amazing people.
Check out this girl Kristen.
- Bella! - I know.
She's an artist.
She makes me laugh.
She's gorge.
She actually took me on a trip upstate.
We fed a duck.
I fell out of a tire swing.
I'm in love.
Ooh, by the way, can you take a video for me? Sure.
- How's it look? - Good.
Oh, this is perfect! I'm gonna send it to her.
"Hi, cutie.
" [chuckles.]
Does that really work? Dude, who wouldn't want to date this guy? He loves food.
He loves travel.
He's devilishly handsome, and he knows how to do a classic wave and kiss.
So you're getting pretty serious about her? I'm not trying to get serious with anyone right now, really.
I'm just playing the field, seeing new people, going on some adventures.
I mean, look at this girl, Candace.
- Mamma mia! - I met her on Tall Boys.
It's an app for girls that want to date big boys like me.
I'm cleaning up.
I'm way bigger than most of the guys on there.
Check out my profile pic.
Hey, don't put me in your Tall Boys profile! Come on, Dev, big bud needs little bud for perspective.
You make me look huge.
All right, but if they make a Little Boys app, I'm using that same pic.
Then again, probably shouldn't get on an app called Little Boys.
Ooh, I'm gonna send her the "hi, cutie.
" Hi, cutie! Wait, you're sending that girl the same GIF? They're all getting "hi, cuties"? Well, I want to say hi, and they're definitely all cuties.
Let me make you one.
All right.
And go.
[laughs.]
That's great! [laughs.]
Wait.
Check this out.
That's pretty good.
Maybe I can send it to Brian.
Everything all set for Tuscany? Yep, everything's in order.
We got the Airbnb, the rental car.
I got some thoughts on that new Danish TV series everyone's talking about.
- We have to discuss that.
- Sure.
And all your wedding stuff's on Saturday, right? Yeah, not too much time away from my cap.
Are you sure you don't want to be my plus-one? Yeah, I'm not a huge "strangers' wedding" guy.
I'll just grab a nice solo dinner somewhere.
Is that code for staying in and jerking off at the Airbnb? Uh, no, can't jerk off in Airbnbs.
Why? You jerk off at hotels.
It's different.
This is someone's home.
Agree to disagree.
[bicycle bell dings.]
[Dev in Italian.]
Excuse me.
[gentle music.]
- Ah, there it is.
- Wow.
Osteria Francescana, the number-one restaurant in the world.
Dude, we got to check this place out while we're in town.
Pfft.
Believe me, I've been trying.
They're booked up for, like, the next ten years.
That's why it's crazy I got you a resy as a birthday gift.
- Wait, what? - Yeah, tomorrow night.
How? How? How? You know my Aunt Edeltraud supplies the meat slicers here.
Baumheiser Slicers are the best in the biz, baby, and she knows Chef Massimo.
She hooked it up.
- You're serious? - Yes! - Big bud and little bud are eating here? - Yes! - I'm freaking out.
- We're in! We're in! [both.]
We're in! We're in! We're in! I'm gonna need a bud bump.
Come on in! [both.]
Boing! - Hey, guys.
- Hello.
So first course lentils, almost better than caviar.
Ah! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Next course autumn in New York.
I gave the shape of a apple, like the Big Apple Oh, whoa.
with an extraction of mushroom and truffle.
[upbeat electronic music.]
[Dev.]
Oh, God! Oh, oh, oh! Next is my plate.
It's tortellini.
One is very small, and this is a little bit bigger.
Grazie.
It's like the little bud, big bud of pasta.
Mmm.
This is me before.
This is me now.
I've peaked.
[both.]
Francescana is my favorite place Francescana is my favorite place Wow.
Mmm.
All right, I need to, like, step out for a little bit of air for a sec.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Is it okay if I finish this? No! Hi, cutie.
[sighs.]
[cell phone chimes.]
[somber music.]
Fuck.
[upbeat electronic music.]
[Dev.]
Ooh, so the wedding's near this town called Pienza.
It's supposed to have the most amazing Pecorino cheese.
And you know what else I heard is cool? Is, like, renting scooters and just riding through the-- I'm sorry, man.
Can we talk about this later? I get a little nervous driving in these small towns.
Sure, sure.
No problem.
- [Dev.]
All right.
- [Arnold.]
Wait, so we take a left here? Mm, yeah, GPS says take a left down this alley.
I don't know, Cap.
It looks pretty tight.
Yeah, uh, you know what? Let's back up.
Let me double-check the GPS.
Maybe it thinks we're in a different spot.
I'll refresh.
No, it says we're supposed to make this left.
- [horn honks.]
- [man shouting in Italian.]
Whoa.
Well, that truck just ripped through.
I think we'll be fine.
Let's just fold the mirrors in.
Okay.
[Dev.]
Let's go.
[Dev.]
Just take it slow.
Looking good.
[Dev.]
Slow, slow.
You're good on this side.
It's really tight over here, man.
[Dev.]
Uh, y-you got a little space here.
Just go to the right a little bit.
- Easy, easy.
- We got room over there? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You sure? W-wait, wait, wait.
Ooh, yah.
- Keep going.
- [engine revs.]
I can't! We're fucking stuck! What? Shit.
I thought you said we're good on that side.
But then I said, "Wait, wait, wait.
" What the fuck do we do? I don't know, man.
Oh, fuck, man, we're really stuck.
- Try to reverse.
- Hold on.
- [engine revs.]
- Give it a little more gas.
I am giving it gas! We're not moving anywhere.
- [horn honks.]
- All right, calm down! Don't get mad at me! It's not my fault! It's the fucking walls'! - [horn honking.]
- There's fucking cars piling up.
All right, hold on.
[in Italian.]
Wait! [Arnold.]
Oh, fuck, this is my worst nightmare, man.
Okay, all right, I'll climb out of the sunroof.
- I should be able to get out.
- Go get help.
- [horn honks.]
- Okay.
- [woman shouting in Italian.]
- Well, you come out, too, man.
- What are you talking about? - Let's get out of here.
Let's just try to go get help.
[horn honking.]
[shouting continues.]
All right, climb out, man.
[groans.]
I'm stuck! - Oh, no.
- What the fuck, man? Okay, hold on.
Let me get a photo.
Are you fucking kidding me? Go get help.
It'll be good for your Tall Boys profile.
[clicks tongue.]
Perspective.
Aah! - [Dev.]
Oh, that's good.
- [camera shutter clicks.]
All right, I'll be right back.
Hurry, Cap, I'm stuck in two different ways! [groans.]
[in Italian.]
I'm sorry! [horn blares.]
All right, so they pulled the car out, and it's okay to drive.
- Should we head out? - Yeah, sure.
Do you need a minute? You want to go grab some food or something? - Are you a little shaken up? - No.
Um, to be honest, I'm just thinking about this wedding, man, and I got to come clean.
It's not just a friend's wedding.
It's actually my ex, Ellen's.
Oh, is this, like, a serious ex or more of a "hi, cutie" type situation? No, like, serious ex.
Like, 11 years, almost had kids, the whole thing.
Whoa.
Yeah, and I was looking at pictures of us online, and I was like, "Did I fuck this up?" Like, we had this real intense love, and now she's getting married.
Why'd you guys break up? I don't know.
After 11 years, you know, the passion kind of disappears, and we, like, became more like roommates and not really lovers, and at the end, she said I wasn't, like, her type physically.
Hmm.
Well, um, you guys are both probably totally different people now, right? And it was so long ago.
Uh, what is that phrase? Um, sometimes you meet people for a reason.
Sometimes you meet 'em for a season.
[chuckles.]
I like that.
It rhymes.
But how do you know who's for the season and who's for the reason? I don't know.
I just know that one rhymed.
That's not very helpful.
But [sighs.]
you could do me a favor, man, and come to this wedding with me.
It'll make me feel a lot better.
- Yeah, of course I'll come.
- Oh, thank you so much, man.
Yeah.
Um, also, do you think you could give me a back rub? 'Cause I have a lot of tension in the old delts back there because of the car thing.
I'm not giving you a back rub.
Worth a shot.
[birds chirping.]
- [Dev.]
Good breakfast, right? - [Arnold.]
Yeah.
- [Dev.]
It was a great cappuccino.
- [Arnold.]
Mm-hmm.
[Dev sighs.]
How you feeling? I'm good, uh, but I just got to tell you, I haven't seen Ellen in many, many years, and I may freak the fuck out.
So I need you to have eyes on me at all times.
Don't let me out of your sights.
Okay.
[indistinct chatter.]
[man speaking Italian.]
[Dev.]
Ciao.
That's good champagne.
[Arnold.]
DiGiorno.
[gentle guitar music.]
Dude, that's Ellen.
- Stay strong, buddy.
- [sighs.]
Is that the groom? Are you fucking kidding me? He looks exactly like me.
There's definitely a strong resemblance.
That sneaky, bearded fuck.
Hold me back, Captain.
Hold me back.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
Hold on, you're bigger than me.
- He's stealing Arnie's essence - Calm down.
I'm gonna go up to Ellen and tell her I love her, and we're gonna cancel this whole fucking wedding.
No.
Eat this melon.
Mmm, that is good melon.
All right, stop freaking out.
He's coming over here.
Be cool.
You cool? - You must be Arnold.
- Hello, Bernard.
Um, hi.
I'm Dev, a friend of Arnold's.
It's really beautiful here.
Yeah, it's okay.
I'm glad you guys could make it.
So, looks like you went with the gray blazer.
A bit pedestrian, don't you think? I usually dress with a little more panache for a special occasion like this.
You look very nice.
Well, good day to you, sir.
Hope you enjoy the event.
Thanks.
Oh, okay.
[Bernard.]
Uh, nice meeting you.
That tiny little fuck.
I'm gonna kill him.
Melon now! Oh.
[cell phone bloops.]
Dude, I had a bunch of melon.
I'm chill.
I'm just gonna go in for a quick, polite hello.
- No problems.
- All right, okay.
Ciao, Ellen.
Arnold, wow! Oh, my God.
Wow, you look "gorgisimo.
" Thank you very much.
[chuckles.]
Thank you.
So what's going on? I'm getting married.
- Oh, right, of course.
- [Ellen chuckles.]
This is my friend Dev.
- [Ellen.]
Hi! Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
- What a beautiful wedding.
I-- - So I'm not your type physically? What? And here we are, you marrying a man that may as well be my doppelganger.
It's a German word for twin.
Yeah, I do know what "doppelganger" means.
Congratulations, Ellen! - Let me give you a hug.
- Hi, Aunt Jeanie.
Excuse me, Aunt Jeanie.
We were talking here.
Arnold.
Ellen, I love you.
Let's get out of here.
Let me take you away forever.
- Take my hand.
- Arnold, um-- Um, why don't you take my hand, buddy? He's kidding.
Come on, come on, bud.
Polite hello.
You were doing good, too.
Can I have some more melon? No.
Melon's for good boys.
Dude, I'm sorry for freaking out out there.
I'll be fine.
I just need a couple minutes just to breathe.
I think we should get out of here, man.
Let's do something to take your mind off this.
What do you want to do? Go to that town, eat that cheese you were talking about.
That's a good idea.
I'll even drive.
I got a better idea.
[upbeat electronic music.]
Pecorino semi-fresco.
Mmm, Arnie likes.
Spritz? [both.]
Cin! [Dev.]
Pasta? [Arnold.]
Yes.
Love you, pasta.
[smooches.]
[slurps.]
Mmm! Thanks, man.
I needed this.
I hear you.
Must be hard seeing someone you loved for that long get married.
Yeah, and the scary thing is I'm getting older.
I'm wondering if I'm ever gonna find that connection again.
Yeah, I think about that stuff, too, but I don't think you wanted to marry Ellen.
Listen to the way you're talking about it.
You're coming from a place of fear, not from a place of love.
Yeah, you are right about that, but there's no denying that Ellen really shaped me, who I am today.
What do you mean? You know, when I was in high school, I was this skinny, dorky kid.
I was getting no girls.
Then I went to college, and I started playing in a band.
You know I played bass, right? Yeah, I've seen those Throwback Thursday pics.
So one day I did this big show with my band, Cheesesteak Armageddon.
I met Ellen backstage, I took her out on a date, and she totally changed everything.
She, like, introduced me to art and food and wine and S-she got me into artichokes.
[clicks tongue, sighs.]
That was a long time ago.
The Arnold I know is not a relationship guy.
Remember how much fun you were having bopping out those "hi, cuties.
" Yeah, "hi, cuties" are fun, but they're stupid.
[sighs.]
Yeah, but you did seem to be genuinely enjoying those adventures.
Remember the tire swing? Remember feeding that duck? [chuckles.]
That duck was cute.
I don't think you're ready to settle down.
Have fun being single.
You'll meet someone I hope.
I hope I do, too.
Damn, this is beautiful.
- Hey, can you take a pic of me? - Sure.
- I love this pose.
- [camera shutter clicks.]
There you go.
Pretty good.
Oh-oh-oh! That's a great one.
What are you doing? I'm sending this pic to duck girl.
What do you think? "Guess who's thinking about you.
" Ooh, ooh.
She's writing back.
"Miss you, big boy.
When you coming home?" - I'm back, man.
- [Dev laughs.]
All right, should we go back to this wedding? Yeah, that's probably the right thing to do.
Let's do it.
[man.]
I am simply overjoyed that Ellen will have Bernard by her side - to share sunsets - [Arnold.]
Fuck.
- You think we missed the food? - Yeah, and the ceremony.
[man.]
for the rest of their years.
And so to quote Albus Dumbledore from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, "We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.
" Congratulations, Mr.
and Mrs.
Bialik.
- [man.]
Bravo.
- I'm gonna go say something.
- Wait.
No.
- I know what I'm doing.
I'll be fine.
[indistinct chatter.]
Excuse me, excuse me.
- Hi, I'd like to make a toast, please.
- [glass clinking.]
Uh, my name is Arnold Baumheiser.
I'm a long-term ex-boyfriend of the bride.
[laughter.]
I'm serious.
Stop laughing.
Ellen, I came here today to object to this union.
In fact, earlier today I told you I loved you, and I'm pretty sure you weren't into it.
But after some unpasteurized cheese and some sage advice from my little bud over there, I know I was misguided.
Ellen, I do love you, but not in that way.
We're just not going down that same path of life together anymore.
You're on your path, and I'm on mine.
And I hope your path is filled with happiness and fulfillment.
Bernard, you may be a smaller Arnold and some might even say a fake Arnold, but if Ellen loves you, you must have a huge heart.
So I love you both.
Cheers to the bride and groom.
- [applause.]
- [man.]
Bravo.
[all.]
Cheers.
[smooth dance music.]
[indistinct chatter.]
- [cell phone bloops.]
- Dude, are you seeing this? I'm dancing with the most beautiful girl, and she lives in New York, buddy.
Being single is my favorite thing Being single is my favorite thing What about you? You bopping off any of those "hi, cutie" GIFs or what? I don't even have anyone to send it to.
[sighs.]
That's a bummer, man.
But you know the thing about love is that it's-- Hey, everybody! It's raining! - Let's jump in the pool! - [all cheering.]
Cap, we got to jump in.
Yeah! [all cheering.]
No, I'm not getting in the pool.
It's Captain's orders.
Take off that fancy jacket, pop those loafers, and we're taking a dip.
[all cheering wildly.]
- All right.
- Yes.
[Aunt Jeanie screams.]
[Arnold and Dev.]
Uno, due, tre! [funky music.]
[Dev.]
Everybody [all.]
Swimming in Italy is my favorite thing Swimming in Italy is my favorite thing [all cheering.]
[gentle music.]
[Dev in Italian.]
Thank you for everything.
I learned so much.
Keep making pasta in New York.
When you return, you will be "bravo"! Of course! You can't leave! You can't leave! Oh, come on, I thought you didn't like me? Come to New York for a vacation? I'm a kid! I don't have vacations! When will you return? Soon.
Ciao.
- [in English.]
I'm leaving you.
- I know.
Did you ever think you'd spend so much time making pasta with an Indian man? What will you do in New York? I don't know.
It's been really great working here.
Very inspirational.
Seeing you guys doing something you're passionate about, working with your hands, putting your heart and soul into the pasta.
Maybe I'll keep practicing, open up my own pasta shop in New York.
Oh, yeah, maybe.
Yeah, you can come visit and work for me.
Why should I work for you? I mean, I'm better than you.
I can come and open my own "competiting" shop.
Your own "competiting" shop? Maybe people will come to mine when they want someone that can speak proper English.
It's "competing.
" Okay, whatever, competing.
[giggles.]
Give me a hug.
Certo.
- Ciao.
- Ciao.
Keep practicing your English.
It's very bad.
Thank you.
Allora! [laughs.]
Shannon.
It's your favorite and only Indian client Dev.
What's up? [Shannon.]
So you're back in New York, huh? Mr.
Chef Boyardee.
I've gotten your emails.
Please stop calling me that.
Okay, well, look, you here to work, or are you still making SpaghettiOs? [sighs.]
Um, honestly, I-I don't know what I'm doing.
You know, I-I just got back last week.
Well, I got an audition for you, and it's pretty interesting It's food-related, and I know you like that shit.
I do like food.
The best part is that it's easy, Dev, and it pays that good money! What is it? [dramatic music.]
In just a few moments, two of the country's top bakers will face off in the ultimate batter battle.
They'll be judged on taste, originality, and presentation.
What'll be our judges' cupcake conclusion? I'm your host, Dev Shah.
This is Clash of the Cupcakes.
[funky music.]