Men in Trees s02e02 Episode Script

She is gorgeous.
Who? My fancy, new, professional self-cleaning oven.
It arrives today.
Ah.
I'll be able to cook in my kitchen and eat whatever I want, whenever I want it.
You pretty much already do that.
Hey, you should be nice to me, mountain boy.
I'm a good cook, which means your quality of life is about to improve drastically.
Oh, no offense.
I love the food here.
Hey, get it.
How many burgers can one woman eat? Five.
I saw a woman eat five once.
It was a rhetorical question.
Are you as good at cooking as you said you were at poker? Because you suck at poker.
Oh, yes, I confused hearts with poker, but I am a good cook.
I'm better.
No, I'm sure you make a mean open-fire marshmallow, but come on.
I make a kick-ass stew.
My kick-ass stew could kick your kick-ass stew's ass.
Cook-off.
Tomorrow.
Game on.
Amazing how much a woman can eat when you're buying.
So what you're saying is y - you're shooting a sex video? no, what I'm saying is- is that I've been hired by the anchorage zoo to film sea otters mating in the wild.
Jack's shooting a sex video.
I'm filming sea otters.
Well, sea otters deserve privacy, too.
I hope you're at least getting their consent.
That's right.
You need consent to film porno.
I learned that one the hard way.
I don't need to know.
Don't want to know.
So, um, what is the zoo gonna do with otter porn? Um sell it in their gift shop? no, they're, um they're gonna show it to the other otters.
Oh, you are making this up.
No, the otter pair at the zoo has been there 11 years.
They stopped mating.
Ah, the 11-year itch.
Mm, lost their spark.
Oh, it happens.
Not to me, but to some people.
Oh, and apparently, some otters.
I mean, she-she must have gotten sick him sitting around the damn all day watching otterball.
well, all right.
You know, you can laugh, but they did the same thing for pandas at the bangkok zoo, and it worked.
They mated.
To jack's first porno.
"Otters gone wild.
" spoons down.
Spoons down.
Not bad.
If "not bad" is squatter speak for "fantastic," thank you.
Mmm, and thank you, my dream stove.
Mwah.
I can't believe I'm saying this.
Yours is better.
Told you.
Wait, how did that happen? You're basically homeless.
I'm being out-cooked by a homeless guy? Oh, what is that yummy potato-but-better-than-potato-taste? My special ingredient uh-huh.
The machu root.
It's like the potato's better-looking older brother.
Where'd you get that? In the forest.
Oh, you washed it first, right? Yes.
Wow.
The forest-that is, uh, so much work.
But worth it.
Finding that one special ingredient- change the chemistry of the whole dish.
Mm.
It's like in relationships.
Oh, pfft.
Now you're a relationship expert, too? Don't try to take me on in this area.
All I'm saying is people are like stew.
There's one person out there who perfects you.
You really believe that? No, not the "one person" part.
For me, it's more like eight or ten.
Okay, but you believe that there is a chemical thing between two people? That it's more than attraction? Sure.
You and I have it.
Don't mistake my annoyance for chemistry.
I demand a do-over.
It's like poker all over again.
Tomorrow night.
Kitchen.
Game on.
Game on.
Give me more of that stew.
But this one here? This is me and your great-grandpa washington.
Oh, boy.
Now this is me the day I got my plane.
I never will forget that one.
Ah.
What's this? Oh, your mommai put that one in there.
She likes this picture of herself.
Apparently, so did I.
yeah.
And this- this is me and george.
The end of the washington line.
What do you mean? Oh, he took his stepfather's name after nell and I divorced.
Oh.
Well, you can't blame the kid, patrick.
george washington? What were we thinking about? oh, this my uncle bubba- the best fisherman in all alabama.
Boy, he could catch fish just by calling 'em.
"Fish!" this way, leroy, this way.
* I'll be your anything * I don't think he knows his name yet.
Maybe this will help.
Wow.
"The bachelors.
" I'm gonna frame it and hang it over the fireplace.
I know we're not married yet, but I couldn't wait to do a needlepoint.
The bachelors that's always been my mom and me.
And now it'll be all three of us.
Excuse me, leroy.
All four of us.
I meant all four of us.
Well, bachelor was hal's last name, and hal wasn't even my real father.
Buzz is my real dad, and he's "washington.
" I don't know who I am anymore.
jerome no self-service.
Who is that guy? My ex.
Hi, sara.
What are you doing here? I want to talk to you.
Don't you think the court summons said enough? I'm sorry, but you didn'T answer my calls or my letters.
I had to get your attention somehow.
I got a good job now, and-and I'm married.
Congratulations.
My life is finally in order.
I just wanted you to know that.
Work with me here.
I can'T.
Come on.
I have a right to see my own son.
You can come to elmo and see him anytime, but you can't take him.
I'm his father.
His father who signed away all custody rights when he moved away.
I - I was confused then.
So were we.
You didn't even tell us where you were living half the time.
Matty has stability now.
I think any judge would agree.
He needs a good father, not someone who's seen him seven times in seven years.
You think you're such a good parent? I mean, we-we both know that you've made your share of mistakes.
and we both know how you made 'em.
How did this isn't personal, sara.
You just made it personal.
Everything all right here? Yeah.
Fine.
See you at the hearing.
Hey, you want breakfast? Uh, no, I'm good.
All right.
I'll bring your lunch then.
Okay, thanks.
Uh, see you later.
All right.
Love you.
Yeah.
Me, too.
oh, hey.
Fancy meeting you here.
how you doing? Great.
Fine.
Terrible.
I'm faxing my lawyer.
What's wrong? My ex-husband is suing me for full custody of matty.
The hearing is in two days.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Do you want me to come? No.
Really, I'm fine.
I can handle this.
I didn't even know he was still in the picture.
He wasn't until last week.
You are a great mom.
The judge is definitely gonna see that.
He knows.
My ex-husband knows I was a oh.
What's the judge gonna think of that? What does your lawyer say? He really doesn't think it's gonna help.
you are a lot more than your resume.
Hey, mom! Look at this ninja book I just found.
Wow.
I'm reading it just for - just a little bit, though.
You haven't read the whole thing yet? No.
I like that.
Nice.
That guy is cool.
Hey.
Put in extra pickles this time.
So I don't come back in my pajamas again? I enjoyed that, but yes.
Hey, no pajamas this time.
Shut up.
I'm off to the bank.
Okay.
Mmm.
Love you.
Love you, too.
What? Nothing.
Just, um, how often do you do that- tell her that you love her? Every chance I get.
Really? Yeah, I'm just so grateful to have her back in my life.
I want her to know it, you know? Pathetic? No.
Sweet.
See ya.
Bye.
hey, lynn.
Hey.
Ooh.
What do you think of these? Yeah, forget-me-nots? Alaska's state flower.
Yeah, I like 'em.
They're cheerful.
I want 'em at my wedding now that patrick and i have decided to get married here in elmo.
Oh.
I thought you wanted to get married in new york.
This is where we met.
I just think it seems so much more romantic this way, don't you think? Yeah.
Hey.
A cheeseburger and onion rings.
Oh, thanks.
I ate half.
so annie and patrick are so adorable about their wedding.
So what are you thinking? Do you still want to do the midnight backyard ceremony we always talked about? Yeah.
I mean, whatever you want.
Yeah, okay.
Great.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Oh.
I was trying to find the perfect native ingredient for my stew.
Um, hey, patrick, do you believe in chemistry? Oh, yeah.
Annie and i definitely have chemistry.
Yeah.
Oh, so what is it exactly? I don't know.
But as soon as I met her, I knew I wanted her to be mrs whoever the hell I am.
Having a little identity crisis here.
Oh? We don't have time for that now.
You are on the air.
Hey, elmo.
So if attraction is what brings people together, what is it that keeps us together? Is it hard work and dedication to a relationship? Or is it something less definable? What do you think? Does it all really come down to chemistry? Why'd you keep hal's last name for the last 26 years? You don't say "hello" anymore? Well, you were married for, like, a minute.
Why did you keep the "bachelor"? Well, hal and I may not have had the best marriage, patrick, but he was still a big part of who I was, who I am.
All right? And I always wanted you and i to have the same last name, so it just made sense.
Yeah, t it doesn't make sense.
Why didn't you go back to your maiden name? Hisbutt? Celia hisbutt? I've been trying to ditch that since the fourth grade.
Right.
I mean, you would have been pat hisbutt.
You should be thanking me.
* well, I don't know what I'm looking for * * but I know that I just wanna look some more * * and I won't be satisfied * * till there's nothing left that I haven't tried * * for some people, it's an easy choice * * but for me there's a devil and an angel's voice * * well, I don't know what I am looking for * * but I know that I just wanna look some more * Hey.
Jack, what are you doing here? Uh, my, um, otter movie.
Oh, right.
What are you doing here? Um, I'm just picking up some things for dinner.
Well, the general store's about 4 miles south of here.
I'm looking for wild garlic.
Ah.
You know it's winter? A mild winter, and wild garlic grows in early spring in the woods.
Page 74, "alaskan guide to flora and fauna.
" That's impressive, but you're not in the woods anymore.
Yes, I can see that.
I have been walking for quite a while.
Well, good luck to you and your otters.
you, uh, you sure you're gonna be okay? It's kind of confusing in there.
Let me get you a compass.
Don't you worry.
Goldilocks will be fine.
sara.
I don't know why I'm here.
Well, it's not required that you do.
I used to feel safe in church when I was a kid.
I didn't remember that until I was here last with you.
I might lose my son tomorrow.
His father wants him back.
And I'm worried that choices i had to make in order to keep him are the same choices that might cause me to lose him.
Sara, you just have to have faith.
But I don't know what I believe in.
But right now the only thing you have to believe in is yourself.
Avoiding eye contact, touching the face with the hands, shooting fake smiles.
Real.
Fake.
All telltale signs of a criminal lying to you.
Yeah.
You know, I'm not sure I really believe in all that stuff.
Well, you should.
I'm certified.
I can tell a liar a mile away.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah.
When you lie, you, my lady, always look up to the right.
No, I don'T.
Yes, you do.
Okay, you know what? You should probably you really should get going, 'cause I have a ton of paperwork.
Ah, you just did it.
You're lying.
You're a liar.
All right, sherlock, you're right.
I don't have a ton of paperwork.
I just really want you out of my office and into my bedroom.
Uh-huh.
real smile.
I can see your crow's-feet.
Okay, we're done here.
celia bachelor? You've been served.
what is that? A summons? Yeah.
I have to appear in court this week.
Lucky.
I love court.
The pursuit of justice.
Yeah, lucky.
* Take your pass and stand in line * * always waiting for a sign * oh, hey.
Did I, uh, leave something here? Uh, yeah, your sense of direction.
Well, second time's a charm.
See you around town.
Marin, wait, wait, wait.
You can't just wander in the woods.
It can get dangerous in there.
Well, I'm not staying here with you.
Well, just at least have lunch with me.
I have half a sandwich.
Let me draw you a map.
this is where we are And here is where you need to be.
Didn't I start over there? you know what? I- I-I can take you back.
They haven't mated yet, have they? No, you'd know if they did.
It's not a quiet ritual.
Best sex never is.
So have you, um, set a date yet? Um, no, I haven't really been involved in the planning.
Oh? We'll probably do it after the baby's born.
One big event at a time? Yeah, right.
Hey, my wild garlic! mar-marin, that's not wild garlic.
It's cow parsnip.
Oh.
Okay.
Parsnip could be interesting.
Yeah, except it's highly poisonous.
My hand is burning.
Yeah.
Ow.
Sorry.
I'm trying to be gentle.
They should not be able to call a poisonous plant "parsnip.
" They should call it "skull and crossbones" or something.
Well, you're gonna be okay.
Swelling does not equal okay.
I have some antihistamine in my bag.
That should take the swelling down.
It's just your body reacting to the toxins.
okay.
* standing on the corner * * wondering tonight if you'll be alone * * 'cause you're in my ctch * * and if I want * * you'll be going home * * with me * which one's the girl again? Uh, the smaller one.
Yeah, I don't think she's that into him.
Well, hopefully, she will be.
Females generally avoid the males outside of the breeding periods.
Oh, smart girl.
Knows when to make her move.
Better chance of success.
That way, she won't have to ask herself, "what did I do wrong? Will he call me? He used to love it when I did that.
" oh, I'm so sleepy.
It's the antihtamine.
Or the near-death experience.
Death by parsnip.
* And if I want * * you'll be going home * hey, they're starting to mate.
They're starting to mate.
what are you doing here? I told you, I love court.
This is better than "law & order.
" Seriously? Yeah.
Celia.
Thank you.
You really didn't need to come.
No, I did.
Sorry, sara.
I got a summons.
Hold on, hefner.
yes.
Ha ha! I match your "otters gone wild" with my "garlic gone wild.
" Well, I fold.
I can't believe I found my special ingredient.
I guess we, uh, both found what we're looking for.
Patrick? What are you doing here? Uh, what are you doing here? Well, I s summoned here, but so it's official.
"Bachelor" is just a name.
I'm gonna be late.
Patrick bachelor? Hi.
Thank you, your honor.
We are here on mr.
Jackson's motion to change custody.
The evidence will show that there has been a substantial change in circumstances since ms.
Jackson was originally awarded custody.
In particular, we will show that ms.
Jackson has been engaged in prostitution, and that as such, it is not in matthew jackson's best interest to remain with her.
Mr.
Jackson, however, and his wife, are ready, willing and able to care for matthew, and we request the court award custody to them.
Proceed.
I'd like to call chief celia bachelor to the stand, please.
chief bachelor, elmo is a small town.
Safe to say everyone knows everyone else's business? You could say that.
and in the course of your own work as police chief, you've become familiar with sara jackson? Yes.
Has ms.
Jackson ever been arrested or cited for prostitution? No.
You were aware, however, that ms.
Jackson has, in fact, engaged in prostitution? No, I wasn'T.
Your mother - is nothing sacred with her? Sara is a hardworking single mother who's made a lot of sacrifices for her son 'cause that's what mothers do.
They care for their children even when it seems like they don't care for us.
All I know is she deserves some credit for that.
* after midnight feeling * * gonna take me for no time * * caught my dress in a puddle * * start to tell * you did a good deed, you know? Oh, saving you from a plant? Oh, well, yeah, sure, that, but you also saved a relationship.
Your porn might help the otters at the zoo find their spark again.
Well, we'll see.
So you kind of do for animals what I do for people.
What, you film people having sex? I mean that you're a relationship coach now.
Yeah, well, I think it's easier with animals.
And will you stop calling it porn? Look who's an artist now.
mr.
Hammond, do you have any remaining witnesses to call? Your honor, the men I had subpoenaed to testify well, they have chosen not to appear today.
You understand, mr.
Hammond, that means these men are now in contempt of court? Are you asking me to issue a warrant? No, your honor, we can continue.
In that case, the court finds no substantial change of circumstance.
Therefore, the father's motion to change custody-denied.
Sara jackson to retain custody of matthew jackson.
* hallelujah * well done, sir! * Well, hallelujah * * you're the halo over me * hey, thanks for coming.
Of course.
I'm so glad it worked out.
Hey, can I, uh, buy you a celebratory burger? yeah, I'd like that.
Sara, wait.
* Well, every word you say is like a song * * with you, everything is obvious * please rethink this.
I just want some time with him.
I love matty, and I'm sorry.
I just miss my son.
* 'Cause I found you * * I found you * * I found you * * hallelujah, oh, yeah * * hallelujah * I'm hungry.
You waited up for me.
Technically, no.
I waited for dinner, and it never came.
Oh, yeah.
I'm, uh, sorry about that.
You're not sorry.
You're all flushed and smiley.
Uh, well, that's because I found my special secret ingredient.
So get ready.
I'm gonna cook for you tonight, and I have a feeling it's not going to turn out like poker.
We'll see about that.
Hey.
Hey.
I was worried about you.
Oh, sorry.
It just - it took all night.
The otters were a little reluctant, but we finally got it.
"We"? Um, oh, yeah, I, uh, ran into marin out there.
She was looking for wild garlic.
She got lost.
Then she got poisoned.
Anyway, it's a long story, but it turned out great.
Great.
Hi, ben.
One pitcher, please.
We're celebrating.
The otter porn is on its way to the zoo.
I hope them zoo otters don't get addicted to the stuff.
It's a slippery slope.
On the house.
You didn't have to say what you said in court.
No, I did.
It's the only way people would have known the truth.
The truth is I was in the hospitality business.
The truth is, sara, you're a good mother.
The best thing for matty is living with his mother, and let's face it, you two should be spending time together at home, not in court.
Thank you.
Ma, can I talk to you for a minute? Uh I wanted you all to know that I changed my name today.
I need my name to mean something, so I've been trying to figure out who I am, and, uh I realize I am made up of so many different people, and I love all of 'em.
Uh, I mean, all of you.
"bachelor"- the name my mom and I shared together.
But I also wanted to share my name with my-my dad 'cause I know he'll be a huge part of my life from this point on, and the "o" is for annie.
Son, there's no "o" in annie.
He means "o'donnell.
" O'bachelorton.
Yeah.
I like it.
Oh.
Lots of couples are combining their names these days.
It's very trendy.
Yeah, and now you're all officially a part of my name.
except for "hisbutt.
" Sorry.
Yeah.
No, I understand, son.
how about that, huh? So a part of the washington name gets to go on after all.
That means the world to me, patrick.
Thank you, son.
No, dad.
Thank you.
Maybe I should submit it to the discovery channel.
It's rare to get that kind of footage.
Ah, good thing I waited.
I had to stay up all night.
All night, I know, with marin.
Lynn, nothing happened.
no, something did happen.
You came home happy- happier than I've seen you in a long time.
Well, that's because I got the job done.
I don't think you love me anymore.
That's not true.
How do I know if you don't say it ever? You used to say it, and now you didn't even say it when you proposed.
See? You can't even say it now.
I love you, all right? Yeah, that's how I want to hear it.
what are you doing? I am an emotional eater.
I am stuffing down my emotions.
Do you mind? dick I'm sorry.
Sorry for what? For lying or for disrespecting the law? You know what that's called? Perjury.
I had to say what I did, all right? I - I don't expect you to understand.
You're not a mother.
Well it's probably good we call it quits, right? I mean, it's not like we're in love or anything.
I saw that.
What? You do love me.
No, I don'T.
You you just did it again.
No, I-no, I didn'T.
You did.
I did not.
You did.
No, I didn'T.
That's ridiculous.
I didn'T.
Celia, your eyes went up to the right.
All right, fine, I love you.
What do you want? A medal? I don't know how you do it, chief celia.
What? You make me forget the law.
Oh.
In case you were wondering, I love you, too.
I wasn'T.
Oh, damn it! it's good I know, right? You win.
Ah! My cuisine reigns supreme.
Yeah! So what's your perfect ingredient? I'm not revealing my secret.
Okay, fine.
Just tell me do you think you could find it again? I hope so.
I, uh I just can'T do this anymore.
I mean, I can support you, and I can support the baby.
I just can'T marry you.
And I can't marry someone who doesn't love me.
I was hoping that would change, but it hasn'T.
What happened to us? I guess we just lost it.
I guess we lost our spark.
The good news and bad news about chemistry is that we'll never fully understand how it works.
* oh * * yeah, hey * every relationship is an experiment.
You never know exactly what you'll get.
* Open wide * * come down * some people bring out a side of you that you didn't know you had.
* You will flaunt * * I can't say a word * some people remind you that your story isn't over.
* Sound absurd * some people surprise you.
* Maybe you're my shooting star * * blindly falling * hey, buddy.
* Burning a hole * see you in two weeks.
* So bright, and maybe * thanks.
Hey, sara, what changed? He's part of you, too, jeff.
* Wishes won't survive on you tonight * and once in a while, you surprise yourself.
And although all relationships require compromise * on the ground * I think he likes it.
baby, he's a goldfish.
Ah! Sometimes you get more, not less.
* 'Cause everybody else has got you aiming at yourself, but maybe * and sometimes you can't get more.
Sometimes what you had is gone forever.
* Through the dark burning a hole in my sky * * so fierce * and although it's painful, you have to find the strength to go on, to keep searching for the love, for that one perfect ingredient.
* Wishes won't survive on you * no matter how far or how deep you have to go to find it.
* On you * * it's all I need *