Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge (2010) s02e02 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 2
1 (MUSIC PLAYING) (MOUSE CLICKS) (MOUSE CLICKS) Ok, and if the gunman was behind him and the book depository was how far away? - 180 feet.
- 180 feet.
CALLER: Then the bullet would have reached the president before the sound of the bang.
Well, that makes sense, um, but circling back to your theory that he was killed by the Scottish Secret Service? No, that's the last guy.
This is Jews.
Ah, yes, you're saying he was killed by a gang of Jews? - CALLER: Spot on.
- Ok, sorry, remind me, this is because? Well, let's go back to the Old Testament.
If you look at the Book of Exodus I'm gonna cut you short there, Bill, I think it's a fantastic theory.
In the meantime, if anyone wants to join our spin-off debate, uh, on ballistics and field weaponry, please head to the North Norfolk Digital chat room.
I'm normally there from 3pm to the wee small hours.
ANNOUNCER: North Norfolk Digital is available anywhere in the world.
It's global radio with an Anglian swagger.
Bringing Norwich to Nigeria, Swaffham to Scotland and Cromer to the Kremlins.
(MAN SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) - (STUTTERING) We, well, well - Surely a thought, though, isn't it? That, uh, Cromer might one day fall to the, uh, Russians.
Sounds like a Frederick Forsyth novel in the making.
- Yeah.
The Norfolk Fracture.
- (LAUGHING) - The Red Peninsula.
- Yes, sounds quite alarming, doesn't it? "The seaside town of Cromer has fallen to the Russians.
" "Hmm.
All roads to Cromer are now closed.
" "This is not a drill, repeat.
" - "This is not a drill" - I'd read it.
I would, I would.
Music.
There are some kids outside playing snowballs but they've forgotten to put their parkas on.
It's Cold-play.
(SIGHS) (THE SCIENTIST BY COLDPLAY PLAYING) I used to have a parka.
I miss parkas.
You should buy one then.
I'm going to.
It's Thursday which means it's "Mid Thursday Morning Matters Book Club" or: TAPED ANNOUNCER: Mid Thursday Morning Matters Book Club.
A virtual get-together where we talk about a book we've read that week.
- Saul Harris can't be with us - (LAUGHING) So in his stead-slash-shoes, - we have Rosie Witter.
- Hello.
Webcam voyeurs may recognise Rosie - as our resident wine expert.
- I am indeed.
- Have you been drinking this morning? - (LAUGHING) No.
Little snifter before you left the house? (LAUGHING) No.
I don't believe you.
Did you bring any wine? - Oh.
I do have a bottle with me.
- That's my girl.
(CHUCKLING) Uh, that's Rosie Witter.
Joining us on the phone, we have Edith in Rackheath.
Hello, Edith.
- Hello.
- And on email we're joined by Andrew in Docking.
Are you there, Andrew? - (DING) - Andrew says, "Yes.
" Excellent.
And in the studio, I, Partridge.
- That's the club.
Let's get to the nub.
- (ROSIE CHUCKLES) Right, well I've never hosted a book club quite like this.
It's no exaggeration to say that this is the very first multi-platform radio-based book club broadcast in the whole of East Anglia.
We're dragging book clubs into the 21 st century kicking and screaming.
- (CHUCKLING) Sounds painful.
- Yeah, but not like an abduction.
More like a child who doesn't want to be measured for new shoes.
Rosie.
Right, so, the book to read this week was Wild Swans by Jung Chang.
Uh, and I hope you've all managed to finish it.
Yeah, uh, we have and if you haven't, just order it off Amazon.
Or a different website that pays its taxes.
Uh, come on, come on, it's a good business model.
Cheap books, happy shareholders, and the boss is stinking rich.
Hats off.
- With questionable practices.
- Simon, you can't please all the people all the time.
That's what China tried to do and look what happened there.
Now you can only have one baby.
And if it's a girl, tough luck.
Which moves us nicely onto Wild Swans.
Does it? Yeah.
Next, you'll be complaining that Amazon make people in their warehouses run too quickly to fetch books? It's not a call centre in Timbuktu.
They're students.
- You can't mistreat students.
- All that running around.
You could do with a bit of that, Alan.
Help you lose a few pounds.
Off! But Rosie makes a good point.
You would slow down deliveries in the short term, but in the long term you'd tackle the biggest killers of our times.
- Shipment? - Obesity.
You could have them running around for books that don't exist.
(ALL LAUGH) - Babysitting by King Herod.
- (ALL LAUGH) That's good.
Uh, Marriage Guidance by Henry VIII (ALL LAUGHING) Or Losing At Squash Gracefully by Anne Diamond.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) So, do get in touch if you have any other ideas, because I'm going to make unlikely book titles today's Quality Question.
RECORDED MALE VOICE: Oh, that is quality.
Well, it looks like Mummy P and Baby P have finally pushed Daddy P too far.
It's the Black Eyed Peas.
Quick clarification.
There's been some panic at a care home with listeners worried that Russia has taken over Cromer.
That's my fault for making it sound like a news report.
The Russians have not taken over Cromer.
- That we know of.
- Uh, not, yes.
I mean, could have infiltrated the council years ago.
- (ALL LAUGHING) - It'd certainly explain their attitude - to parking enforcement.
- Yeah, that's more Nazis, isn't it? But it's all evil.
It's all evil.
Uh, Wild Swans, Rosie.
It's a long book.
Well, it is substantial, yes.
So, Wild Swans follows the lives of three generations of Chinese women.
Uh, it's the true story of Jung Chang, and her mother, and her grandmother.
- That's certainly what I took from it.
- Well, that's what it's about.
No, I mean absolutely.
Spot on.
Spot on.
But let's keep talking.
- So, first impressions? - Uh, let me stop you and go to Edith.
What did you think? - Three from me.
- Okay.
Anything from, uh, Andrew yet, Simon? Uh, nope.
Not yet, but I gave it a three.
And I've got a few fours coming in via text.
I've got Meredith in Hunstanton says 4.
5.
And Cynthia says she would also give it three.
- So, uh, I'm not familiar - Out of five.
Always out of five.
Uh, so average it out Simon and what's the mean score? - Done it, it's 3.
6 - So there we are, 3.
6, not bad.
- That was Wild Geese.
The fascinating - Swans! Swans, my mistake, about four generations of Chinese - Three generations.
- Is it? - EDITH: It was, it was three.
- My mistake.
- (COMPUTER DINGS) - Andrew's saying two.
- What, generations? - No, I think that's his score.
I think.
Uh, Andrew? Is that your score or the number of generations of Chinese women you think it is? He'll just be a second.
(TAPPING) Can you email him? Just say, "Is that your score, "or the number of generations of Chinamen?" - (TYPING) - Gotta move on.
The time is AM one, one.
Our thanks to Beverly in King's Lynn.
Uh, she's sent in a beef sponge.
Uh, she says it's a great way, uh, to use up bits of old beef.
It's essentially chunks of beef suspended in a kind of matrix of pastry, - uh, sort of hovering in a - Sponge stasis.
Yeah, good name for the dish actually, Sponge Stasis.
Uh, brackets beef edition.
It looks almost as good as last week's Chicken Drizzle Cake.
Uh, maybe I'll have some of that later.
MAN: (OVER RECORDING) Partridge, he got game! - Ok, before that, the book club, Rosie.
- Hi.
- Edith.
And Andrew.
- EDITH: (ON THE PHONE) Hello.
(COMPUTER DINGS) We were discussing Wild Swans, a book that garnered an impressive 3.
6.
And Andrew has given the book a two, by the way, and says Edith must have been reading a different book.
EDITH: He always does this.
My score is nothing to do with him.
- Right.
- It's a bit pathetic, actually.
Whoa.
Uh, Rosie, 3.
6 a fair score? (CHUCKLING) Hard to say, um.
At the book club I run we try to avoid scoring or ranking books.
Right, so it's more of a coffee morning? No, no, no we do discuss the book, but we focus more on how we thought or felt.
Ranking can be a little reductive.
Well it can be, but you might like to know that Wild Swans ranked number two on our book league table.
- Oh! - Yeah.
A nose ahead of Angels and Demons by Dan Brown but a whisker behind The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown.
- So you've split the Browns.
- A Brown sandwich.
Yeah, sounds like something Beverly would knock up.
- Right, Wild Swans.
- Yes.
Brian in Dersingham emails to say, "Who on earth wants to read a book - "about Chinese swans?" - It's a metaphor.
"A far better book is, The Wild Geese about a snatch squad of steel-hard "mercenaries who rescue a black king or something - "from deepest, darkest Africa.
" - (DINGING) Thanks, Brian, always good to hear from you.
And Andrew has emailed again to say, "Knock it off, Edith.
"You always give high scores to books by female authors.
- "You butter old women.
" - Butter old women? Bitter old woman, I think.
Typing too fast.
Yeah, although you can butter up old women.
I sometimes butter up old women.
EDITH: Andrew is just a bully who hides behind his laptop.
How come he never dares speak on the phone? What's he got to hide? He could be an eight-year-old boy.
A child genius.
Uh, yeah, angry because he's been hot-housed by his parents.
Hmm, does happen.
Denied a childhood.
Yeah, Andrew, if that is you, get outside, - climb a few trees.
- Pull a few wheelies.
- Scuff your knees.
- Yeah, collect loads of chewing gum wrappers and send off for a free torch.
- Uh, sorry, Rosie, you were saying.
- No, I was just saying, I think the swans is a metaphor for the women.
I love metaphors.
I really got into them a couple of years ago.
And now, if I read a title that is too literal, it actually annoys me.
If I went to see Moonraker, I don't want to see James Bond actually raking the moon.
- (SIMON SNICKERS) - Unless he had some sort of industrial equipment.
And even then he's going to need a damn good reason.
I do think the Wild Swans is a strong metaphor.
I mean, there's something, impassive and hard to read about swans, isn't there? Like the women, they're beautiful but unknowable.
- They're inscrutable.
- That's exactly the right word.
- Is it? Thank-you.
- Yes.
You couldn't scrute them if you wanted to.
Don't ruin it.
Let's have some music.
This is Thatcher-pop four-piece, Duran Duran.
(RIO PLAYING BY DURAN DURAN) (CLEARS THROAT AND COUGHS) It's got a smashing flavour.
Still here with book club leader Rosie Whitter.
- Hello.
- I just love reading books.
- It's brilliant.
- I couldn't live without it.
I also couldn't either.
My partner Angela prefers television.
I mean, she will watch literally anything, um, but if I go up and ask her what she's been watching, she doesn't know.
Odd.
Hmm.
Well, it's a good book for me every time.
- Curl up on the sofa - Yes, take the phone off the hook.
Yeah, maybe a tower of hot buttered crumpets.
- Lovely.
- Sleeping bag tied off round your waist.
- Like a giant maggot.
- Yeah.
Well, half maggot.
Because the other half's a Warwick University sweatshirt.
- And no interruptions.
- Perhaps the strains of John Michel Jarre haunting you from the music centre.
I mean, it's on.
There's nothing paranormal.
Then just plough headlong into Wild Swans.
News.
(NEWS IN THE BACKGROUND) I did actually plough, uh, into a swan many years ago, yeah.
It was the only time I ever actually heard a swan quack.
(BURPS) Pardon me.
It's Mid Thursday, it's Mid, it's Mid Morning, it's Mid He does it.
ANNOUNCER: Mid Thursday Morning Matters Book Club.
So, uh, any final thoughts? What did you take from the book? Alan? Um, I read the book.
And I thought it was a good book.
Uh, it's about people, ain't it? Chinese women with small feet.
What's all that about? Well, it's all explained in the book.
(SLURRING) Shit.
I haven't read the book, um, sorry.
Are you angry? (SCOFFING) No.
Not at all.
We all find some books heavy going.
I myself actually gave up on The Diary of Anne Frank on my first attempt, I couldn't get through it.
- Then again, neither could she.
- (LAUGHS) (EXHALES) You're angry.
Have some beef swans.
(CLICKING) Uh, let's clear the air.
The real reason people have a go at Bernie Ecclestone is because he has the first name of a dinner lady and he goes out with giant women.
CALLER: What about the fact he cosies up to dictators and torturers? - He's not a torturer.
- No.
He does business with torturers.
Precisely.
He's so small he could barely pick up a cattle prod.
You know, he wear kids' clothing.
Watch out for him next time there's a wet Grand Prix.
His wellies have got Spider-Man on.
Yeah, but you can't explain his highly-convoluted tax arrangements.
No.
Which is why we have to RECORDED VOICE: Shut up and move on.
Now, we're all familiar with charities, from the important ones like, The National Trust to less important ones like Help The Aged.
- Or Help For Heroes.
- No, that's the top one.
- Yep? - Yes.
I donated a jacket to them last, only last week.
It didn't have an arm but then I thought, "Perfect.
" Uh, but today we're going local and we mean to raise £3,000 for Addiction Action.
Addiction can take many forms, from booze to drugs to quite simply, - having it off.
- Michael Douglas.
Uh, yes that's indeed if it, if it was sex addiction.
Could quite simply have been that the guy was very, very randy.
That's three grand by 2pm, and if we don't quite get there, I'll make up the difference myself.
What have we got? We've got our first pledge.
Gary in Aylsham says he's trying to sell his old style Volkswagen Beetle called Gertie, and if he can get £400 for it, - he'll donate it all to our appeal.
- Ooh, that's very generous.
Volkswagen Beetle drivers were always - Characters.
- Well-meaning fools.
And, uh, hear are U2 who seem to be describing my search for a new washer-dryer, I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - It's a top loader, in black.
Right.
(CLEARS THROAT) I didn't know you were into your charities.
(STUTTERING) Uh, I wasn't.
But it's a great brand builder, yeah.
You do your bit for charity and you get what Richard Curtis calls, - "Goodwill splashback".
- Oh, like a good karma.
Yeah, yeah, he explained it to me the other day.
He said, "This is for you, "and now this is for me.
" - Then he just laughed his head off.
- Ah.
WOMAN: Malky's Story.
MALKY: I sold my wee boy's toys to pay for drugs.
MAN: Malky flogged Lego for half a p apiece.
Skag's his poison.
WOMAN: Janey's story.
JANEY: I live rough on the streets of Norwich.
MAN: Janey used to be a teacher.
Now she's a bum with booze in her veins.
WOMAN: Tristam's story.
TRISTAM: I started taking coke when I first became a hedge fund manager.
MAN: Tristam missed out on his bonus last year.
His dreams of a bigger house in tatters.
MALKY: Thank you, Alan.
JANEY: Thank you, Alan.
TRISTAM: Thanks, Al.
ALL TOGETHER: For putting your hands across Norfolk.
Mmm.
Bananas and cream, you can't beat it.
Okay, you're listening to Mid Morning Matters.
Today we're raising £3,000, or thirty-hundred pounds, for Norwich based charity Action Addiction, sorry, Addiction Action.
Got some banana in my mouth.
Swallow it.
Okay, uh, Simon, what's the tot-up? We're looking good.
We're already at 610 English pounds.
And to put that into context for any listening addicts.
Yep, that's roughly 150 pints of lager or eight grams of coke.
- And in terms of heroin? - Just checking.
- I've asked one of the cleaners.
- The Scottish guy? - Yeah.
- Yeah, good.
And, hey, what a great bunch of listeners.
I mean, I think I stepped on a hornet's nest last year when I suggested Norwich was ready for a black town crier, but you cannot fault their generosity.
Okay, on the line now we have an addict who wishes to remain anonymous uh, so we have disguised their voice.
Hello, caller, what's your story? (DISTORTED VOICE) I am addicted to gambling.
- (WHISPERS) Sound guy said it'd be fine.
- I'm up to my eyes in debt, my marriage is in bits, and I've lost my job selling wool at the market.
(SOBBING) Sorry, I'm getting quite emotional.
It's alright, mate, take your time.
So, your wife had left you? My husband.
I'm a woman.
Of course, sorry, yes, of course, because men don't sell wool.
Listen, love? I think we're going to have to cut this short.
The uh, the voice distorter is bending your gender.
It's also making you sound like a villain from a faraway galaxy.
Could you simply say, "Soon your planet will be mine?" CALLER: Soon your planet will be mine.
Yeah, yeah, I think we're going to have to leave it there.
Okay.
Wait till he is right behind your shoulder and feign fear if it helps, um, and then if you feel the back of your arm, just the little nobbly bone there, if he's right up behind you, just Ah! Into his ribs.
Ah! Into his ribs.
Ah! And then, bang, back of the hand and bust his nose.
I know when you were fooling around in the kitchen with Jez before it was just a bit of tomfoolery, but I just thought when I saw you doing this and this I thought, we've got to talk, anyway, that's it.
It's 12.
30 and we're joined by Derek Bosworth, who's here to tell us about hand-held, bellows-driven reed instruments.
Sounds like a real wheeze.
(RECORDED LAUGHING) Uh, before that, some pledges on the texts.
We do have some pledges, Jed from Ipswich says he has a ten-year-old Mondeo 1.
8.
He wants 500 quid and will give fifty to the appeal.
Okay.
Uh, Phil in Glandford says, "Leave Porsche drivers with red faces "with my tweaked VW Golf.
Reluctant sale due to baby.
" He wants 10 grand cash with 60 for charity.
And one here from Dennis in Feltwell.
"2012 Lexus GS.
"First to see will buy.
No time wasters.
" Right and what's the donation? - I don't think he said.
- Okay.
Uh, time for the weather.
WOMAN: Weather update - (TAPPING) - Um.
- They're taking the piss.
- I mean, it's only gone up one hundred pounds in the last hour.
This is ridiculous.
I said I'd make up the difference.
I said I'd take Angela to Centre Parcs and buy her a bigger telly.
- My pockets aren't that deep.
- Yeah, I know.
I don't have that kind of money, you know, I'm out of my depth.
How did they raise four grand for a donkey sanctuary? It's ridiculous.
- People like donkeys? - Why? We've got cars.
They don't work, they should put them down.
All right, Dave? That's Dave Clifton.
He's been through the mill.
He was a massive boozer.
- You know the story about him? - No.
Um, I shouldn't say this because well, he's moved on but, um, when he was really, completely at rock bottom, he, um, he actually ended up down at the docks, um, pleasuring a vagrant.
Yeah.
All right, Dave? Just talking about your chequered past.
Oh, did you tell him about the time I wanked off those tramps? - Yeah.
- (DAVE LAUGHS) That was plural, wasn't it? There must have been a line of them.
(EXHALES) Like some sort of diabolical soup kitchen.
MAN: Alan Partridge's Hands Across the County.
Dave, what would you say was the lowest of the low? Um, and before you do answer that, I should add that the pledge line is still open, - so do call.
- RECORDED VOICE: Please! Well, the lowest lows often follow the highest highs.
As you know Alan, I was the biggest DJ in Norfolk, with the number one show on the station.
- Well, depends on the metric.
- I was a star.
I had a semi-detached home, a Vauxhall Tigra, and I deserved it.
- Uh-huh.
- I took my eye off the ball.
Yes, I had the number one show on the station.
- Yeah, it depends on metric.
- But then I entered a spiral.
Right.
Is this when you were stuck on a waterslide with your jeans still on? No, no spiral of addiction.
- Of course.
- I'd drink anything.
It affected, uh, my judgement.
Right, good.
Okay, now Dave, what was the worst thing you did? God help us.
- Oh.
You mean the tramps? - No.
No.
Oh, God, no.
One rung below that.
Oh, I remember once I broke into someone's back garden and had a fight with a snowman.
Yeah, I had so much premium lager coursing through me, - I thought he was from the council.
- (LAUGHING) - It's good to see you laugh, Dave.
- Oh, you've got to laugh, Alan.
Although tears sometimes help too, tears can help, tears would help.
I've done all my crying, Alan.
I like to think I'm a barrel of laughs 'cause a barrel of tears is good for nothing.
Well, it's just a bucket of brine, isn't it? - (MUSIC PLAYING) - It's great that you're upbeat, Dave, but it could do with being a bit sadder.
My glass is always half full, Alan.
- Wasn't that the problem? - (LAUGHING) You've got a son, haven't you? Ooh.
Don't go there, Alan.
You'll get me going.
I can imagine.
Someone once told me that you'd swapped his Scalextric for some cocaine on Christmas day? Well, it was a packet of Daz as it turned out.
Yeah, I always joke, actually, about that, Alan, that I got cleaned out.
(LAUGHING) You know, I mean it is really sad.
You don't sound sad.
You don't sound sad.
Be sad.
Um, you're listening to Alan Partridge.
There is a reason I don't talk about my son.
Well, you wouldn't talk about it, would you? If your son came up to you and said, "Dad, will you put me on your shoulders, so I can pick "the apples from the tree for apple pie and custard?" And I say, "No son, because I'm pissed!" Then I say, "I've got an even better idea, son.
"Why don't we play this new game, it's called Invisible Dad? "Where someone who looks exactly like me lies on the sofa "all afternoon watching Bargain Hunt, while the real me, "Invisible Dad, will come out in to the back garden "in five minutes time and we'll play together.
"All afternoon, son, quietly.
" But I'm on the sofa half an hour later and I could hear my little boy out in the garden talking to no one.
And do you know what I did? I turned up the volume to drown him out with David Dickinson.
Oh, God.
Fast forward two years and I'm sitting in a room with a circle of chairs and I'm saying, "My name's Tom Barrington and I'm an alcoholic.
" Sorry, who's Tom Barrington? That's my real name.
You changed your name to Dave Clifton? Yeah, yeah.
Fast forward again to a summer's day last year, I've got my son on my shoulders, saying, "Daddy, Daddy "I can reach the apples.
" And all I could think was, "So can I, son.
So can I.
" And that's what I do Alan.
Every day I just Try and reach the apples.
Thank you Dave.
I used to think you were a right berk, but I realise now that's only half the story.
- Thank you.
- And I'll tell you something else.
I hope you keep reaching those apples every day.
Because if you can't find it in your hearts to find £3k for a guy like Dave Clifton, then I won't bother coming in tomorrow because I'll be at an orchard, behind Dave Clifton, on a bicycle, with a basket full of apples.
And, then we'll go home, and together we'll bake an apple pie and feed it to his son.
And, I'll tell you something else, Dave.
- What? - I'm bringing the custard.
(BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) The time is 12.
45.
- Hugs not drugs.
- Cuddles not ruddles.
- (ACCORDION) - Oh, my God! I'm sorry I completely forgot about you! Sorry.
(ACCORDION PLAYING) La, la, la, la, la, la And the paint's peeling off of my walls La, la, la, la, la, la There's a man outside - Could you be more specific - (DAVE LAUGHING) In a long coat, grey hat smoking a cigarette La, la, la, la, la, la We are nearly out of time.
- Simon, tot me up.
- MAN: (ON RECORDING) Oh, money! Well, the final, rather grand total is two thousand nine hundred and seventy pounds.
So, £30 short.
Yep.
- I'll pay that! Absolutely.
- Yep.
Love you, Norfolk! News.
MAN: Your headlines Ah.
(CLEARS THROAT) (COINS CLATTERING) - Have you got 30p? - You've got it there.
I need that for a Milky Way.
I've got one in my lunch box, you can have that.
Let's have a look.
There.
- Right.
- Yep.
(ARE FRIENDS ELECTRIC PLAYING)
- 180 feet.
CALLER: Then the bullet would have reached the president before the sound of the bang.
Well, that makes sense, um, but circling back to your theory that he was killed by the Scottish Secret Service? No, that's the last guy.
This is Jews.
Ah, yes, you're saying he was killed by a gang of Jews? - CALLER: Spot on.
- Ok, sorry, remind me, this is because? Well, let's go back to the Old Testament.
If you look at the Book of Exodus I'm gonna cut you short there, Bill, I think it's a fantastic theory.
In the meantime, if anyone wants to join our spin-off debate, uh, on ballistics and field weaponry, please head to the North Norfolk Digital chat room.
I'm normally there from 3pm to the wee small hours.
ANNOUNCER: North Norfolk Digital is available anywhere in the world.
It's global radio with an Anglian swagger.
Bringing Norwich to Nigeria, Swaffham to Scotland and Cromer to the Kremlins.
(MAN SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) - (STUTTERING) We, well, well - Surely a thought, though, isn't it? That, uh, Cromer might one day fall to the, uh, Russians.
Sounds like a Frederick Forsyth novel in the making.
- Yeah.
The Norfolk Fracture.
- (LAUGHING) - The Red Peninsula.
- Yes, sounds quite alarming, doesn't it? "The seaside town of Cromer has fallen to the Russians.
" "Hmm.
All roads to Cromer are now closed.
" "This is not a drill, repeat.
" - "This is not a drill" - I'd read it.
I would, I would.
Music.
There are some kids outside playing snowballs but they've forgotten to put their parkas on.
It's Cold-play.
(SIGHS) (THE SCIENTIST BY COLDPLAY PLAYING) I used to have a parka.
I miss parkas.
You should buy one then.
I'm going to.
It's Thursday which means it's "Mid Thursday Morning Matters Book Club" or: TAPED ANNOUNCER: Mid Thursday Morning Matters Book Club.
A virtual get-together where we talk about a book we've read that week.
- Saul Harris can't be with us - (LAUGHING) So in his stead-slash-shoes, - we have Rosie Witter.
- Hello.
Webcam voyeurs may recognise Rosie - as our resident wine expert.
- I am indeed.
- Have you been drinking this morning? - (LAUGHING) No.
Little snifter before you left the house? (LAUGHING) No.
I don't believe you.
Did you bring any wine? - Oh.
I do have a bottle with me.
- That's my girl.
(CHUCKLING) Uh, that's Rosie Witter.
Joining us on the phone, we have Edith in Rackheath.
Hello, Edith.
- Hello.
- And on email we're joined by Andrew in Docking.
Are you there, Andrew? - (DING) - Andrew says, "Yes.
" Excellent.
And in the studio, I, Partridge.
- That's the club.
Let's get to the nub.
- (ROSIE CHUCKLES) Right, well I've never hosted a book club quite like this.
It's no exaggeration to say that this is the very first multi-platform radio-based book club broadcast in the whole of East Anglia.
We're dragging book clubs into the 21 st century kicking and screaming.
- (CHUCKLING) Sounds painful.
- Yeah, but not like an abduction.
More like a child who doesn't want to be measured for new shoes.
Rosie.
Right, so, the book to read this week was Wild Swans by Jung Chang.
Uh, and I hope you've all managed to finish it.
Yeah, uh, we have and if you haven't, just order it off Amazon.
Or a different website that pays its taxes.
Uh, come on, come on, it's a good business model.
Cheap books, happy shareholders, and the boss is stinking rich.
Hats off.
- With questionable practices.
- Simon, you can't please all the people all the time.
That's what China tried to do and look what happened there.
Now you can only have one baby.
And if it's a girl, tough luck.
Which moves us nicely onto Wild Swans.
Does it? Yeah.
Next, you'll be complaining that Amazon make people in their warehouses run too quickly to fetch books? It's not a call centre in Timbuktu.
They're students.
- You can't mistreat students.
- All that running around.
You could do with a bit of that, Alan.
Help you lose a few pounds.
Off! But Rosie makes a good point.
You would slow down deliveries in the short term, but in the long term you'd tackle the biggest killers of our times.
- Shipment? - Obesity.
You could have them running around for books that don't exist.
(ALL LAUGH) - Babysitting by King Herod.
- (ALL LAUGH) That's good.
Uh, Marriage Guidance by Henry VIII (ALL LAUGHING) Or Losing At Squash Gracefully by Anne Diamond.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) So, do get in touch if you have any other ideas, because I'm going to make unlikely book titles today's Quality Question.
RECORDED MALE VOICE: Oh, that is quality.
Well, it looks like Mummy P and Baby P have finally pushed Daddy P too far.
It's the Black Eyed Peas.
Quick clarification.
There's been some panic at a care home with listeners worried that Russia has taken over Cromer.
That's my fault for making it sound like a news report.
The Russians have not taken over Cromer.
- That we know of.
- Uh, not, yes.
I mean, could have infiltrated the council years ago.
- (ALL LAUGHING) - It'd certainly explain their attitude - to parking enforcement.
- Yeah, that's more Nazis, isn't it? But it's all evil.
It's all evil.
Uh, Wild Swans, Rosie.
It's a long book.
Well, it is substantial, yes.
So, Wild Swans follows the lives of three generations of Chinese women.
Uh, it's the true story of Jung Chang, and her mother, and her grandmother.
- That's certainly what I took from it.
- Well, that's what it's about.
No, I mean absolutely.
Spot on.
Spot on.
But let's keep talking.
- So, first impressions? - Uh, let me stop you and go to Edith.
What did you think? - Three from me.
- Okay.
Anything from, uh, Andrew yet, Simon? Uh, nope.
Not yet, but I gave it a three.
And I've got a few fours coming in via text.
I've got Meredith in Hunstanton says 4.
5.
And Cynthia says she would also give it three.
- So, uh, I'm not familiar - Out of five.
Always out of five.
Uh, so average it out Simon and what's the mean score? - Done it, it's 3.
6 - So there we are, 3.
6, not bad.
- That was Wild Geese.
The fascinating - Swans! Swans, my mistake, about four generations of Chinese - Three generations.
- Is it? - EDITH: It was, it was three.
- My mistake.
- (COMPUTER DINGS) - Andrew's saying two.
- What, generations? - No, I think that's his score.
I think.
Uh, Andrew? Is that your score or the number of generations of Chinese women you think it is? He'll just be a second.
(TAPPING) Can you email him? Just say, "Is that your score, "or the number of generations of Chinamen?" - (TYPING) - Gotta move on.
The time is AM one, one.
Our thanks to Beverly in King's Lynn.
Uh, she's sent in a beef sponge.
Uh, she says it's a great way, uh, to use up bits of old beef.
It's essentially chunks of beef suspended in a kind of matrix of pastry, - uh, sort of hovering in a - Sponge stasis.
Yeah, good name for the dish actually, Sponge Stasis.
Uh, brackets beef edition.
It looks almost as good as last week's Chicken Drizzle Cake.
Uh, maybe I'll have some of that later.
MAN: (OVER RECORDING) Partridge, he got game! - Ok, before that, the book club, Rosie.
- Hi.
- Edith.
And Andrew.
- EDITH: (ON THE PHONE) Hello.
(COMPUTER DINGS) We were discussing Wild Swans, a book that garnered an impressive 3.
6.
And Andrew has given the book a two, by the way, and says Edith must have been reading a different book.
EDITH: He always does this.
My score is nothing to do with him.
- Right.
- It's a bit pathetic, actually.
Whoa.
Uh, Rosie, 3.
6 a fair score? (CHUCKLING) Hard to say, um.
At the book club I run we try to avoid scoring or ranking books.
Right, so it's more of a coffee morning? No, no, no we do discuss the book, but we focus more on how we thought or felt.
Ranking can be a little reductive.
Well it can be, but you might like to know that Wild Swans ranked number two on our book league table.
- Oh! - Yeah.
A nose ahead of Angels and Demons by Dan Brown but a whisker behind The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown.
- So you've split the Browns.
- A Brown sandwich.
Yeah, sounds like something Beverly would knock up.
- Right, Wild Swans.
- Yes.
Brian in Dersingham emails to say, "Who on earth wants to read a book - "about Chinese swans?" - It's a metaphor.
"A far better book is, The Wild Geese about a snatch squad of steel-hard "mercenaries who rescue a black king or something - "from deepest, darkest Africa.
" - (DINGING) Thanks, Brian, always good to hear from you.
And Andrew has emailed again to say, "Knock it off, Edith.
"You always give high scores to books by female authors.
- "You butter old women.
" - Butter old women? Bitter old woman, I think.
Typing too fast.
Yeah, although you can butter up old women.
I sometimes butter up old women.
EDITH: Andrew is just a bully who hides behind his laptop.
How come he never dares speak on the phone? What's he got to hide? He could be an eight-year-old boy.
A child genius.
Uh, yeah, angry because he's been hot-housed by his parents.
Hmm, does happen.
Denied a childhood.
Yeah, Andrew, if that is you, get outside, - climb a few trees.
- Pull a few wheelies.
- Scuff your knees.
- Yeah, collect loads of chewing gum wrappers and send off for a free torch.
- Uh, sorry, Rosie, you were saying.
- No, I was just saying, I think the swans is a metaphor for the women.
I love metaphors.
I really got into them a couple of years ago.
And now, if I read a title that is too literal, it actually annoys me.
If I went to see Moonraker, I don't want to see James Bond actually raking the moon.
- (SIMON SNICKERS) - Unless he had some sort of industrial equipment.
And even then he's going to need a damn good reason.
I do think the Wild Swans is a strong metaphor.
I mean, there's something, impassive and hard to read about swans, isn't there? Like the women, they're beautiful but unknowable.
- They're inscrutable.
- That's exactly the right word.
- Is it? Thank-you.
- Yes.
You couldn't scrute them if you wanted to.
Don't ruin it.
Let's have some music.
This is Thatcher-pop four-piece, Duran Duran.
(RIO PLAYING BY DURAN DURAN) (CLEARS THROAT AND COUGHS) It's got a smashing flavour.
Still here with book club leader Rosie Whitter.
- Hello.
- I just love reading books.
- It's brilliant.
- I couldn't live without it.
I also couldn't either.
My partner Angela prefers television.
I mean, she will watch literally anything, um, but if I go up and ask her what she's been watching, she doesn't know.
Odd.
Hmm.
Well, it's a good book for me every time.
- Curl up on the sofa - Yes, take the phone off the hook.
Yeah, maybe a tower of hot buttered crumpets.
- Lovely.
- Sleeping bag tied off round your waist.
- Like a giant maggot.
- Yeah.
Well, half maggot.
Because the other half's a Warwick University sweatshirt.
- And no interruptions.
- Perhaps the strains of John Michel Jarre haunting you from the music centre.
I mean, it's on.
There's nothing paranormal.
Then just plough headlong into Wild Swans.
News.
(NEWS IN THE BACKGROUND) I did actually plough, uh, into a swan many years ago, yeah.
It was the only time I ever actually heard a swan quack.
(BURPS) Pardon me.
It's Mid Thursday, it's Mid, it's Mid Morning, it's Mid He does it.
ANNOUNCER: Mid Thursday Morning Matters Book Club.
So, uh, any final thoughts? What did you take from the book? Alan? Um, I read the book.
And I thought it was a good book.
Uh, it's about people, ain't it? Chinese women with small feet.
What's all that about? Well, it's all explained in the book.
(SLURRING) Shit.
I haven't read the book, um, sorry.
Are you angry? (SCOFFING) No.
Not at all.
We all find some books heavy going.
I myself actually gave up on The Diary of Anne Frank on my first attempt, I couldn't get through it.
- Then again, neither could she.
- (LAUGHS) (EXHALES) You're angry.
Have some beef swans.
(CLICKING) Uh, let's clear the air.
The real reason people have a go at Bernie Ecclestone is because he has the first name of a dinner lady and he goes out with giant women.
CALLER: What about the fact he cosies up to dictators and torturers? - He's not a torturer.
- No.
He does business with torturers.
Precisely.
He's so small he could barely pick up a cattle prod.
You know, he wear kids' clothing.
Watch out for him next time there's a wet Grand Prix.
His wellies have got Spider-Man on.
Yeah, but you can't explain his highly-convoluted tax arrangements.
No.
Which is why we have to RECORDED VOICE: Shut up and move on.
Now, we're all familiar with charities, from the important ones like, The National Trust to less important ones like Help The Aged.
- Or Help For Heroes.
- No, that's the top one.
- Yep? - Yes.
I donated a jacket to them last, only last week.
It didn't have an arm but then I thought, "Perfect.
" Uh, but today we're going local and we mean to raise £3,000 for Addiction Action.
Addiction can take many forms, from booze to drugs to quite simply, - having it off.
- Michael Douglas.
Uh, yes that's indeed if it, if it was sex addiction.
Could quite simply have been that the guy was very, very randy.
That's three grand by 2pm, and if we don't quite get there, I'll make up the difference myself.
What have we got? We've got our first pledge.
Gary in Aylsham says he's trying to sell his old style Volkswagen Beetle called Gertie, and if he can get £400 for it, - he'll donate it all to our appeal.
- Ooh, that's very generous.
Volkswagen Beetle drivers were always - Characters.
- Well-meaning fools.
And, uh, hear are U2 who seem to be describing my search for a new washer-dryer, I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - It's a top loader, in black.
Right.
(CLEARS THROAT) I didn't know you were into your charities.
(STUTTERING) Uh, I wasn't.
But it's a great brand builder, yeah.
You do your bit for charity and you get what Richard Curtis calls, - "Goodwill splashback".
- Oh, like a good karma.
Yeah, yeah, he explained it to me the other day.
He said, "This is for you, "and now this is for me.
" - Then he just laughed his head off.
- Ah.
WOMAN: Malky's Story.
MALKY: I sold my wee boy's toys to pay for drugs.
MAN: Malky flogged Lego for half a p apiece.
Skag's his poison.
WOMAN: Janey's story.
JANEY: I live rough on the streets of Norwich.
MAN: Janey used to be a teacher.
Now she's a bum with booze in her veins.
WOMAN: Tristam's story.
TRISTAM: I started taking coke when I first became a hedge fund manager.
MAN: Tristam missed out on his bonus last year.
His dreams of a bigger house in tatters.
MALKY: Thank you, Alan.
JANEY: Thank you, Alan.
TRISTAM: Thanks, Al.
ALL TOGETHER: For putting your hands across Norfolk.
Mmm.
Bananas and cream, you can't beat it.
Okay, you're listening to Mid Morning Matters.
Today we're raising £3,000, or thirty-hundred pounds, for Norwich based charity Action Addiction, sorry, Addiction Action.
Got some banana in my mouth.
Swallow it.
Okay, uh, Simon, what's the tot-up? We're looking good.
We're already at 610 English pounds.
And to put that into context for any listening addicts.
Yep, that's roughly 150 pints of lager or eight grams of coke.
- And in terms of heroin? - Just checking.
- I've asked one of the cleaners.
- The Scottish guy? - Yeah.
- Yeah, good.
And, hey, what a great bunch of listeners.
I mean, I think I stepped on a hornet's nest last year when I suggested Norwich was ready for a black town crier, but you cannot fault their generosity.
Okay, on the line now we have an addict who wishes to remain anonymous uh, so we have disguised their voice.
Hello, caller, what's your story? (DISTORTED VOICE) I am addicted to gambling.
- (WHISPERS) Sound guy said it'd be fine.
- I'm up to my eyes in debt, my marriage is in bits, and I've lost my job selling wool at the market.
(SOBBING) Sorry, I'm getting quite emotional.
It's alright, mate, take your time.
So, your wife had left you? My husband.
I'm a woman.
Of course, sorry, yes, of course, because men don't sell wool.
Listen, love? I think we're going to have to cut this short.
The uh, the voice distorter is bending your gender.
It's also making you sound like a villain from a faraway galaxy.
Could you simply say, "Soon your planet will be mine?" CALLER: Soon your planet will be mine.
Yeah, yeah, I think we're going to have to leave it there.
Okay.
Wait till he is right behind your shoulder and feign fear if it helps, um, and then if you feel the back of your arm, just the little nobbly bone there, if he's right up behind you, just Ah! Into his ribs.
Ah! Into his ribs.
Ah! And then, bang, back of the hand and bust his nose.
I know when you were fooling around in the kitchen with Jez before it was just a bit of tomfoolery, but I just thought when I saw you doing this and this I thought, we've got to talk, anyway, that's it.
It's 12.
30 and we're joined by Derek Bosworth, who's here to tell us about hand-held, bellows-driven reed instruments.
Sounds like a real wheeze.
(RECORDED LAUGHING) Uh, before that, some pledges on the texts.
We do have some pledges, Jed from Ipswich says he has a ten-year-old Mondeo 1.
8.
He wants 500 quid and will give fifty to the appeal.
Okay.
Uh, Phil in Glandford says, "Leave Porsche drivers with red faces "with my tweaked VW Golf.
Reluctant sale due to baby.
" He wants 10 grand cash with 60 for charity.
And one here from Dennis in Feltwell.
"2012 Lexus GS.
"First to see will buy.
No time wasters.
" Right and what's the donation? - I don't think he said.
- Okay.
Uh, time for the weather.
WOMAN: Weather update - (TAPPING) - Um.
- They're taking the piss.
- I mean, it's only gone up one hundred pounds in the last hour.
This is ridiculous.
I said I'd make up the difference.
I said I'd take Angela to Centre Parcs and buy her a bigger telly.
- My pockets aren't that deep.
- Yeah, I know.
I don't have that kind of money, you know, I'm out of my depth.
How did they raise four grand for a donkey sanctuary? It's ridiculous.
- People like donkeys? - Why? We've got cars.
They don't work, they should put them down.
All right, Dave? That's Dave Clifton.
He's been through the mill.
He was a massive boozer.
- You know the story about him? - No.
Um, I shouldn't say this because well, he's moved on but, um, when he was really, completely at rock bottom, he, um, he actually ended up down at the docks, um, pleasuring a vagrant.
Yeah.
All right, Dave? Just talking about your chequered past.
Oh, did you tell him about the time I wanked off those tramps? - Yeah.
- (DAVE LAUGHS) That was plural, wasn't it? There must have been a line of them.
(EXHALES) Like some sort of diabolical soup kitchen.
MAN: Alan Partridge's Hands Across the County.
Dave, what would you say was the lowest of the low? Um, and before you do answer that, I should add that the pledge line is still open, - so do call.
- RECORDED VOICE: Please! Well, the lowest lows often follow the highest highs.
As you know Alan, I was the biggest DJ in Norfolk, with the number one show on the station.
- Well, depends on the metric.
- I was a star.
I had a semi-detached home, a Vauxhall Tigra, and I deserved it.
- Uh-huh.
- I took my eye off the ball.
Yes, I had the number one show on the station.
- Yeah, it depends on metric.
- But then I entered a spiral.
Right.
Is this when you were stuck on a waterslide with your jeans still on? No, no spiral of addiction.
- Of course.
- I'd drink anything.
It affected, uh, my judgement.
Right, good.
Okay, now Dave, what was the worst thing you did? God help us.
- Oh.
You mean the tramps? - No.
No.
Oh, God, no.
One rung below that.
Oh, I remember once I broke into someone's back garden and had a fight with a snowman.
Yeah, I had so much premium lager coursing through me, - I thought he was from the council.
- (LAUGHING) - It's good to see you laugh, Dave.
- Oh, you've got to laugh, Alan.
Although tears sometimes help too, tears can help, tears would help.
I've done all my crying, Alan.
I like to think I'm a barrel of laughs 'cause a barrel of tears is good for nothing.
Well, it's just a bucket of brine, isn't it? - (MUSIC PLAYING) - It's great that you're upbeat, Dave, but it could do with being a bit sadder.
My glass is always half full, Alan.
- Wasn't that the problem? - (LAUGHING) You've got a son, haven't you? Ooh.
Don't go there, Alan.
You'll get me going.
I can imagine.
Someone once told me that you'd swapped his Scalextric for some cocaine on Christmas day? Well, it was a packet of Daz as it turned out.
Yeah, I always joke, actually, about that, Alan, that I got cleaned out.
(LAUGHING) You know, I mean it is really sad.
You don't sound sad.
You don't sound sad.
Be sad.
Um, you're listening to Alan Partridge.
There is a reason I don't talk about my son.
Well, you wouldn't talk about it, would you? If your son came up to you and said, "Dad, will you put me on your shoulders, so I can pick "the apples from the tree for apple pie and custard?" And I say, "No son, because I'm pissed!" Then I say, "I've got an even better idea, son.
"Why don't we play this new game, it's called Invisible Dad? "Where someone who looks exactly like me lies on the sofa "all afternoon watching Bargain Hunt, while the real me, "Invisible Dad, will come out in to the back garden "in five minutes time and we'll play together.
"All afternoon, son, quietly.
" But I'm on the sofa half an hour later and I could hear my little boy out in the garden talking to no one.
And do you know what I did? I turned up the volume to drown him out with David Dickinson.
Oh, God.
Fast forward two years and I'm sitting in a room with a circle of chairs and I'm saying, "My name's Tom Barrington and I'm an alcoholic.
" Sorry, who's Tom Barrington? That's my real name.
You changed your name to Dave Clifton? Yeah, yeah.
Fast forward again to a summer's day last year, I've got my son on my shoulders, saying, "Daddy, Daddy "I can reach the apples.
" And all I could think was, "So can I, son.
So can I.
" And that's what I do Alan.
Every day I just Try and reach the apples.
Thank you Dave.
I used to think you were a right berk, but I realise now that's only half the story.
- Thank you.
- And I'll tell you something else.
I hope you keep reaching those apples every day.
Because if you can't find it in your hearts to find £3k for a guy like Dave Clifton, then I won't bother coming in tomorrow because I'll be at an orchard, behind Dave Clifton, on a bicycle, with a basket full of apples.
And, then we'll go home, and together we'll bake an apple pie and feed it to his son.
And, I'll tell you something else, Dave.
- What? - I'm bringing the custard.
(BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) The time is 12.
45.
- Hugs not drugs.
- Cuddles not ruddles.
- (ACCORDION) - Oh, my God! I'm sorry I completely forgot about you! Sorry.
(ACCORDION PLAYING) La, la, la, la, la, la And the paint's peeling off of my walls La, la, la, la, la, la There's a man outside - Could you be more specific - (DAVE LAUGHING) In a long coat, grey hat smoking a cigarette La, la, la, la, la, la We are nearly out of time.
- Simon, tot me up.
- MAN: (ON RECORDING) Oh, money! Well, the final, rather grand total is two thousand nine hundred and seventy pounds.
So, £30 short.
Yep.
- I'll pay that! Absolutely.
- Yep.
Love you, Norfolk! News.
MAN: Your headlines Ah.
(CLEARS THROAT) (COINS CLATTERING) - Have you got 30p? - You've got it there.
I need that for a Milky Way.
I've got one in my lunch box, you can have that.
Let's have a look.
There.
- Right.
- Yep.
(ARE FRIENDS ELECTRIC PLAYING)