Minx (2022) s02e02 Episode Script
I Thought the Bed Was Gonna Fly
1
[DOUG] You really gonna leave
all this for business school?
I was thinkin' about it.
Well, don't.
The best is yet to come.
[LENNY] Hey, honey, I'm home.
You know, I was thinking
about you and Bambi,
seeing you two together like that
Like what?
But she came to, um
over to, uh, borrow this bra.
- [BAMBI] Oh, yes.
- Mm-hmm.
I lost mine in a well.
[DOUG] Constance Papadopoulos.
- I love it.
- [DOUG] I pitched her on investing in Bottom Dollar.
No, look, she's-she's
retired from shipping.
She no. She has zero
publishing experience.
I just hear "deep pockets
with no big ideas of what
to do with a magazine."
Why didn't I think of that?
You don't have to.
That's why you got me.
Maybe I have one good chapter left.
I cannot believe he was right.
[CONSTANCE] Yes, he
was. But do we need him?
[T. REX'S "CHILDREN OF
THE REVOLUTION" PLAYING]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS SNAPPING]
♪
[SINGER] Yeah ♪
[CROWD CHEERING]
[SINGER] Well, you
can bump and grind ♪
[CROWD CHANTING]
It's good for your mind ♪
Well, you ♪
Now this is what I call a comeback, huh?
Yeah, baby.
[SINGER] No, you won't fool ♪
The children of the revolution ♪
No, no ♪
When I bought this
company three weeks ago,
this is exactly the kind
of cultural happening
that I hoped to become a part of.
And I have this man
and his global vision
to thank for pulling me out
of a premature retirement
and hosting this historic event.
You know, a lot of
people counted us out.
But we are back, and
we are better than ever
with the hottest new movie
to launch the hottest new company, BDP.
Remember that name.
We're becoming a major player in media.
And, sure, Minx is our flagship,
but we're gonna be so much
more than just one magazine.
I'm CFO, chief fun officer.
And I'm art director,
which is an actual title.
We're building a
catalog of new magazines.
Hosting fancy parties like this one.
There might even be some merchandise
- coming your way.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS]
You said you wanted splashy.
- Is this splashy enough?
- Well, it's a beginning.
Where's our star editor? Not here yet?
Oh, Joyce? Uh, she's coming.
She loves red carpets.
She absolutely loves them.
[PROTESTERS SHOUTING "PORN-NO"]
[PROTESTERS] Faith not
filth. Faith not filth.
Faith not filth. Faith not filth!
[STREAKER] Whoo! Yeah.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS SNAPPING]
- Hello!
- Where were you?
[JOYCE] Oh, sorry. The 101 was crazy.
No, it wasn't. That's how we got here.
Okay, fine. I was writing
my editor's letter.
A fine thank-you for giving
her the bigger office.
They're the same size.
The glass creates an optical illusion.
- They are not.
- [JOYCE] Look, it's the first issue with the new owner.
I wanted to make the
right statement, okay?
And, um, speaking of, are
we sure that Deep Throat
is really putting our best foot forward?
Oh, I think so. It's
a really feminist tale.
It's about a woman
searching for an orgasm.
Yeah, which she finds via a clitoris
conveniently located
inside of her mouth?
It's always in the last place you look.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
This is our big launch, Joycey,
just smile and make us look good.
- Have a little fun.
- All right.
This is a big win for us.
- [JOYCE] Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh,
there are so many fabulous people here.
Any new names on the, uh, guest list?
Red Buttons, the
Alans Alda and Arkin
and, you're never gonna believe this,
Warren frickin' Beatty.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Connie's gonna love this.
Porn has gone mainstream.
- We should have an after-party, right?
- Yes.
- [JOYCE] No. No.
- [DOUG] Yes, let's do
- an after-party.
- God no.
The second this is over,
I'm at home in the bath.
Joan Didion has a new
piece in the Paris Review.
I've been saving it.
- It's 7,000 words, no pictures.
- It's a quick read.
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS SNAPPING]
- [SCREAMING]
[DOUG] Rich, go take some photos.
Bambs, mingle.
When you see Warren Beatty, let me know.
- I wanna meet him.
- Definitely.
What about me?
You're management, baby.
You're not lifting a finger.
You just enjoy your night.
Well, we are certainly a
long way from Seneca Falls.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Yeah.
[CONSTANCE] Come have a drink with me.
- With pleasure.
- You guys have fun.
We will. Nice cane, by the way.
It's a walking stick. Churchill had one.
So did Willy Wonka.
Oh, let him have his moment.
Poor man already feels
like an appendage.
- [TIMMY] Mr. Renetti
- What?
[TIMMY] I'm Timmy,
the projectionist.
[DOUG] Okay.
[TIMMY] Sorry, sir, we have a problem.
Deep Throat is missing.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS SNAPPING]
[PRETTY'S "FUNHOUSE" PLAYING]
♪
[SINGER] Uhn, ahh ♪
[DOUG] Okay. [INDISTINCT]
Why are you freakin' me out, Timmy?
- They're right here.
- Yes, the canisters.
[DOUG] Okay?
What am I lookin' at here?
That's Bedknobs and Broomsticks,
a five-time Academy Award
nominated musical fantasy
set during World War II.
Three adorable moppets
are placed in the care
of an apprentice witch
played by Angela Lansbury.
Apprentice? The woman's
nearly 70 years old.
- [SIGHS]
- [TIMMY] Miss Lansbury's in her early 40s.
She just has one of those faces.
Well, unless somebody comes
on that face in the second act,
this audience is gonna eat me alive.
What can I say, Doug?
My old lady made me hire her son.
He's a fuckin' moron.
Yeah, Dwight, I'm talkin' about you.
Aw, you really fucked me
on this one, you know that?
[CLIFF] You think you got it bad?
I'd hate to be at that
birthday party in Palos Verdes.
[PERSON] I'm gonna slide
up and down the banister.
I thought the bed was gonna fly.
I guess you could drive over there.
[DOUG] It's a two-hour drive.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I have a theater full of people.
My boss is here.
You are in luck.
There's another copy of the film nearby.
Bob Evans been sittin' on it.
[TINA] Who the hell is Bob Evans?
[DOUG] He's some Hollywood hotshot,
and I think he did The Godfather.
Here, give me that.
Give me that. Come here.
- [JOYCE] Director?
- [DOUG] Uh, no.
- [JOYCE] Writer?
- [DOUG] I I don't know.
All I know is, he's been
spankin' it to this movie
- for two weeks straight.
- [RICHIE] Ali MacGraw
left him for Steve McQueen.
Cut the guy some slack.
[TINA] Doug, what the hell are we doin'?
It's 30 minutes there.
It's 30 minutes back.
Please I'll-I'll vamp for the crowd.
Just please do this for me.
[RICHIE] Thomas Guide?
[DOUG] It's in the back seat.
And, please, easy on the brakes.
It's a very expensive car.
Thank you, guys. I love you, I love you,
I love you.
[PROTESTERS SHOUTING "PORN-NO"]
[EXHALES]
- Everything all right?
- Oh, with me?
Fantastic. Thank you for asking.
♪
Who's that? Who's that?
- Hmm?
- Who was that?
- I don't know. Is he famous?
- [BAMBI] Hi!
- [LENNY] Hey.
- I didn't think you guys were gonna show.
[SHELLY] Yeah, me neither,
especially after I buried
the first invitation
at the bottom of the trash can.
But then the second one showed up
and this one got his hands on it,
so here we are.
This scene is wild.
- [SHELLY CLEARS THROAT]
- You know what? I am.
I'm gonna unbutton the second button.
- Yes, fun.
- [SHELLY] No, no, no.
You have that eczema patch.
Oh, just put the chain
over it. It'll be foxy.
[SHELLY] No, no, no. I got it. I got it.
- I got it. It's okay.
- [BAMBI GIGGLES]
That's perfect. Thank you.
You guys, drinkies.
I'm Chief Fun Offering my services.
Um, uh, two Jack and Cokes,
unless you have anything stronger.
Um, I'll see what they have.
- Mm-hmm.
- [JOYCE] Oh, my God.
Thank God you're here.
You can keep me company
at this bacchanal.
- [SIGHS]
- Is that uh, is that
is that no, don't
is it Telly Savalas?
[SHELLY] That could be any bald head.
[LENNY] No, no. Look at the gleam.
That's him. That's Telly Savalas.
- I know it.
- [JOYCE] God, the Lamberts at Deep Throat.
What is the world coming to?
Well, this film is the talk
of the dental community.
Yeah, if that smug
Peter Strom wants to brag
about his porcelain veneers
again, then I'm gonna say,
"Oh, really? Well,
guess what I got to see.
I got to see" Yul Brynner.
- Oh, is it?
- [GASPS] I knew
- it was a celebrity skull.
- I do like Yul.
[BELL CLANGING]
Now the movie's gonna
start and I didn't say hi.
Uh, you can talk to him after.
- Shall we do this?
- [LENNY] Maybe we're sitting by him.
- [JOYCE] All right
- Are we sitting by him?
[SHELLY] No, we're definitely
not. We're not seated by him.
- How do you know?
- Please don't. Please don't.
[BAMBI] That's such a
snazzy jacket, Lenny.
- [LENNY] Thank you.
- [BAMBI GIGGLES]
I don't get to, uh,
trot it out very often,
- but
- [SHELLY] You know what?
Let's be close to the aisle.
- [DOUG] Okay. Ooh.
- [SHELLY] Yeah?
- [LENNY] You want me to go
- [BAMBI] Oh, that's so cute.
Your bladder's the size of a pea.
- [SHELLY] Uh, Joyce
- [JOYCE] Yeah.
[SHELLY] You know what?
You need to sit here.
- We have sister business.
- [BAMBI] Oh, okay.
Prigger! Joyce!
Can I talk to you for a second? Now?
- [SHELLY SIGHS]
- [JOYCE] I'm so sorry, Bambi.
[BAMBI] Okay. Yup.
Okay. Sorry. Excuse us.
[BAMBI GIGGLES] Sorry.
- Just scootch that on over.
- [SHELLY] Oh.
[BAMBI] Okay, what do you think?
Popcorn, nachos, dog of corn?
Oh, uh, nachos, please.
I have seen popcorn hulls get jammed
right up into the gumline.
- Yeah.
- Your job is so interesting.
Oh.
Do you judge people
when they get cavities,
or is it nice to feel needed?
Well, is it crazy if I say
- it's a little bit of both?
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- [LAUGHS]
- [BAMBI] No.
No, well, that's what I was saying
[JOYCE] Oh, no.
Something gone awry with your
mob-distributed illegal film?
Okay, listen, Joyce, I-I
might have to get up there
and vamp a little bit for the crowd,
and-and-and I might pull you up, okay?
And I'm gonna need you,
if you get up there,
to talk about the
kind of the lady Minx
perspective of the movie
to keep people going.
All right, the Minx perspective is gonna
be quite happy in her seat,
eating Nonpareils, okay?
- Want one?
- No, I don't want a Nonpareil.
Those are disgusting.
- Fuck.
- [TIRES SCREECH]
[CAR DOORS CLOSE]
- [INTERCOM BUZZES]
- [GARBLED VOICE] What?
[TINA] We're here for the reels.
[GARBLED VOICE]
[TINA] No. Not Lady Sings the Blues.
- Deep Throat.
- [VOICE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Okay, thank you. You too.
- Kevin's coming down.
- [RICHIE] If you say so.
[DOUG] Welcome, everybody,
to the biggest and baddest
social event of 1973.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
This movie is too hot for New York City.
They couldn't handle it.
- Chicago couldn't handle it.
- [LAUGHTER]
But this is LA, baby.
- Can we handle it?
- [TIMMY MUTTERS]
Oh.
But first, I wanna introduce
Minx's own Joyce Prigger.
Come on up, Joycey.
You're gonna love her. I know I do.
Get up, Joycey.
[BAMBI] Joyce! Joyce!
Joyce! Joyce! Joyce!
Joyce! Joyce! Whoo!
Whoo!
Surely we can work something out, guys.
Shutting this down seems to be an
extreme reaction to this situation.
You placed ads on billboards.
You got those drive time idiots
to yammer about it on the radio.
Then you wave your klieg
lights across the city
for a movie that's banned
in half the country.
You tied the DA's hands.
Friends, you're killin' me right now.
[JOYCE] As we're all aware,
Michelangelo was repulsed
by the female form.
- Um uh
- [AUDIENCE MUTTERING]
Uh, his greatest depictions
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
were of virginal, untouched Mary.
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
- [FEEDBACK WHINES]
- Uh
Have you guys seen the movie?
It's more arthouse than it is porn.
You know what it's
about? It's about a woman
- searching for pleasure
- Mr. Renetti,
this is not a negotiation.
If a single frame of Deep
Throat hits that screen,
we're gonna arrest
you and everyone here.
[CANISTERS CLATTER]
You guys really know how to rain
on someone's parade, you know that?
I just don't know what I'm gonna tell
all those people in the theater.
I got no Deep Throat now 'cause of you.
Well, better you say it here
than from the inside of a jail cell.
[SECOND COP] Good night, Mr. Renetti.
[DOUG] I got egg all
over my face, officers.
You win again.
- I lose again.
- [ENGINE RUMBLES]
Thanks for nothin', officers.
[ENGINE REVS]
[RICHIE] Deep dish pizza,
a lake as big as an ocean,
- the Cubbies
- Is that a haiku?
[RICHIE] No.
I was just listing all the things
that you missed out on by turning down
- the University of Chicago.
- [SIGHS] Don't start.
Running Minx is my business school.
Tina, you're not running
Minx. You're running errands.
Doug can distract us with
all the new titles he wants,
but we're still his gofers.
- [KEVIN CLEARS THROAT]
- [TINA] Oh.
There's supposed to be six.
Yeah. [SIGHS] Bob wanted to give
the last three one more viewing.
- He's had it for a week.
- [KEVIN] I don't know, man.
The engagement sequence cheers him up.
All right, I'll drive
back with the first set.
You stay and take a cab with the rest.
[RICHIE] Wha
Oh, Porn Schlepping 101.
I love that MBA program.
- [EXHALES]
- [KEVIN] Is that grass?
No.
[THE SCREAMING GYSPY BANDITS'
"PREMATURELY" PLAYING]
[BRAKES SCREECH]
- [DOUG] Do you have 'em?
- [TINA] Yes.
Yes.
Oh, Tina, hallelujah.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Tell me you weren't ridin' the
brakes like that the whole time.
[TINA] Would you quit worrying?
[DOUG] You kill the
brakes when you do that.
Uh, very good guess, but
no, that is the perineum.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
Warren, for the 12th time,
I know you know, all right?
We all know you now. Right?
Gentlemen, does any man in this room
besides Warren Beatty over there,
know where the clitoris
is on a female body?
[SHELLY] Absolutely not.
Yes, good sir.
The little nubbin under the beret.
Ew. Jeez.
- But yes. Yes, yes.
- [APPLAUSE]
It's the nubbin.
The nubbin, everybody.
All right, now, let's
hey-hey, ladies and gentlemen,
you've had enough of me.
Are you ready for the absurdist
cinematic spectacle of our time,
Deep Throat?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[RICHIE] So do all of Bob's assistants
have to wait for him to jerk off?
I'm actually a VP at Paramount.
[RICHIE CHUCKLES]
But I started as his assistant,
and he can't stop
thinkin' of me that way.
[SIGHS] The things he makes me do.
[CHUCKLES] You know, if
I ever have an assistant,
I swear I'm gonna be so nice to him.
- I do have an assistant.
- [RICHIE] Mm.
[KEVIN] Who do you think is standing
- outside Bob's door right now?
- [RICHIE GIGGLES]
No. No. I'm getting
loopier by the second, so
And if I like you loopy?
[BOB] Kevin, I'm done. I need
- a strawberry milkshake
- [KEVIN SIGHS]
[BOB] and a menthol cigarette.
Also, I, uh, fired your assistant.
He won't stop crying.
- Duty calls.
- Mm.
Can you get me a cab?
I have a better idea.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[DOCTOR] Listen, having a clitoris
deep down at the bottom of your throat
is better than having
no clitoris at all.
That's easy for you to say. [WEEPS]
Suppose your balls were in your ear.
Why, then I could hear myself coming.
[LAUGHTER]
Listen, we have the problem solved.
All we have to do now
is find a solution.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- [LINDA] Like what?
- [LENNY CHUCKLES]
- [LINDA WEEPS]
[DOCTOR] Like-like deep throat.
[SHELLY] Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Oh, my God.
- [LINDA] Deep what?
[DOCTOR] Deep throat.
[LINDA] You make it sound so easy.
[DOCTOR] Well, it is.
Try it. You'll like it.
[LINDA] Well, what have I got to lose?
- [DOCTOR] Come dear.
- [DOUG] How much time we got left, Timmy?
Seven, maybe eight minutes.
[DOUG] Well, it-it's
better to give the audience
some Deep Throat than
no Deep Throat, right?
No. It's way worse.
- See this crack?
- [DOUG] Yeah.
[TIMMY] Sound of Music,
'66. We spooled out
right as the Nazis rushed in.
[DOUG] All right, so we
are about to give blue balls
to this entire theater.
Is that what you're
telling me right now?
Yes, sir.
[DOUG] Teens? Teens? Please.
I need you.
I need you to go find Richie and
figure out what the holdup is.
By the time I get there and back,
this reel'll be long
done. It doesn't m
No, I have a plan for that.
I have a plan for that.
I'm gonna have Joyce go up there
and tap dance a little bit.
- Please. Please.
- Okay, but it
- it just doesn't make sense.
- [DOUG] I I I need you to go, please.
- I'm begging you.
- Ooh, okay. Yep.
[SIGHS] Oh, God.
It's a lot. Right?
I've mostly been watching the crowd
- instead of the screen.
- What? Oh, no.
I-I-I had a large cola.
You know, after three kids,
whoosh, goes right through ya.
Well, Lenny seems to
be having a good time.
[SHELLY] Oh, yeah. Mark my words,
he's in there workshopping
a Deep Throat joke
he'll be telling for years.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
[SHELLY] Huh? Ow!
What's wrong with you?
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
- Joan Didion?
- Oh, my God.
Is it the auth Joan
Didion? Is she here?
- [JOYCE] Hi. Hi.
- [SHELLY] Oh, God.
- I'm, uh I'm Joyce
- [JOAN] Joyce Prigger, yeah.
I enjoyed your little performance.
Oh, God. Blech. [CHUCKLES]
What are you doing here?
Forming an opinion.
I wanted to see what all
the the fuss was about.
Well, people are here. [CHUCKLES]
You know, and people
are really laughing.
But I-I think that's because
of the collective anxiety
of watching something
so unsettling on screen.
The laughter's a nervous
release, you know?
[CHUCKLES]
I think they're laughing
'cause it's a comedy.
Yes. I-I agree.
Well, I don't think it was their intent,
but, uh, regardless,
they seem to have
stumbled onto something.
And will you excuse me?
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Hey, Joan?
Um, fun idea just occurred to me.
- [JOAN PEEING]
- What if you wrote about this for Minx?
[JOAN] Uh
Just some small musings, really.
Just you just your
thoughts on what it all means.
[JOAN] It is possible to continue
this conversation at another time?
[JOYCE] Well, uh, actually,
um, we're having an after-party,
um, which you should come to.
Um, and we can we can chat there
if you like and talk about life
and star signs and [CHUCKLES]
- Um
- [JOAN] Oh.
- There you go.
- [JOAN] Yeah.
Is this in the valley?
- [PROJECTOR WHIRRING]
- [BANG ON DOOR]
Help me push this against the door.
- It might buy us some time.
- [DOUG] Stop it.
[JOYCE] Her-her-her eyes were smiling.
You know? Like-like-like,
- from ear to ear. Oh!
- [CANISTERS CLATTER]
[DOUG] Oh, God, no! [GROANS]
- [SHELLY] Oh! Oh, God.
- [DOUG GRUNTS]
[SHELLY] Oh, that's terrible.
[DOUG] Find reel four.
- [JOYCE] All right. Jesus.
- [RICHIE] Oh, okay.
I haven't seen any of it.
How am I supposed to know
- what's in reel four?
- [DOUG] Shout it out.
- I'll know.
- [RICHIE] I've got, uh, pubic shaving.
Is this the nurse making whoopie?
There's a straw coming
out of her vagina.
That's Coke dildo. [PANTS]
Coke dildo starts reel four.
[DOUG] All right, give me reel four.
It's reel four. Give it to me.
Thank you. Come on.
[JOYCE] Oh, my God. Give me that.
- Come on.
- [DOUG] Fuck!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
[SINGER] Something's wrong ♪
- [BOTH YELL]
- [JOYCE] Je God, reel four.
♪
[DOCTOR] Case 358.
Albert Finster. Age 25.
Bachelor.
Has an obsession in finding out
that things really do
go better with Coke.
- Relax your muscles
- [PROJECTOR WHIRS]
[PROJECTOR BEEPS]
[SINGER] I'd like to try ♪
[LAUGHTER]
Please don't think less of me ♪
I'd like to drink a little Coke ♪
[JOYCE] All right.
Oh. Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
You're very kind.
Thank you.
Hi, hello.
Did you enjoy it? Love your boa.
'Kay, thank you. Great to meet you.
Thank you. Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me.
All right, you should
put some ice on that,
because we have an after-party to host.
Thought you nixed that. Who
was it, Joyce Carol Oates
in the bathtub, reading
a book or something?
No, it's Joan Didion, and
she's coming to the party, okay?
She might actually be writing
about Deep Throat for our magazine.
Oh, God, this really is
a cultural phenomenon.
- Uh it's not gonna happen.
- [JOYCE] Hi.
We don't have time to throw a party.
What? No, it's fine.
Constance is all over it.
She's got a caterer on retainer.
- Constance
- [JOYCE] Yeah.
is gonna stock the
booze for one of our parties?
- Yeah.
- [DOUG CHUCKLING] No.
- [JOYCE] Why?
- No, no, if we're gonna do it,
it's gotta be Tina. I'll send Tina.
- She knows what good
- Tina! Where is Tina?
I haven't seen her
all evening. Thank you.
Hi! Oh, my God, hi.
["IF IT'S ALRIGHT, IT'S
GONNA BE ALL NIGHT" PLAYING]
[BAMBI CHUCKLES] Enjoy!
♪
- Great choice.
- [SINGER] Oh, baby ♪
If it's all right ♪
[LENNY] No, no, I liked it. I liked it.
Of course, I've had a
lot of women patients,
but the only thing I've ever found
in the back of a woman's
throat is esophageal cancer.
- [CHUCKLING]
- So another oh, yeah.
Hey, you're driving.
[BAMBI] Oh, the green
ones are for focus.
Astronauts take them to survive reentry.
- You can have half.
- [BAMBI] Ooh.
- Give it.
- [KEVIN] I love what you did with the lens flare.
It makes you feel
like someone's looking.
[RICHIE] Most people get derailed
- by the monster cock.
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh. Funny and talented.
Hope you're ready to hit the big time.
- [RICHIE CHUCKLES] Okay.
- [GLASSES CLINK]
[DOUG] Well, the difference
is, cane's got a crook,
whereas this baby right
here check that out.
Nepalese fire opal.
- They say it's cursed.
- [LAUGHTER]
[CHUCKLES] I say it's expensive.
- [BAMBI] Ahem.
- [DOUG] A great piece.
[SINGER] I know you're
gonna make it all right ♪
[LAUGHTER]
[PERSON] Oh, yeah? When I was a kid,
I thought a blow job was someone
literally blowing on your dick.
No, the first time I saw a penis,
I thought it was a long belly button.
What kind of wackos
send these unsolicited?
Aw, grandpa thinks he
belongs in a magazine.
[LAUGHTER]
That's Wayne. He has a purple heart.
[JOYCE] Yeah. And a purple penis.
Um
[PERSON] Hey, can I get a refill?
[LAUGHTER]
[SINGER] Now, I know
that when I take you ♪
[CONSTANCE] Ah, nothing more attractive
than a man doing the dishes.
You know, if you were 20 years younger,
I might just lock you away in my tower.
[DOUG] Well, if you
were ten years older,
- I might let ya.
- [CONSTANCE CHUCKLES]
I'm just sayin' my goodbyes.
Not bad for our maiden voyage, huh?
What do you think? You happy?
I especially appreciate
the way you handled
the debacle with the
missing reels and the police.
- What police?
- [CONSTANCE] Mm-hmm.
I know that you're used to taking care
of all these things by
yourself, but use me.
I was the DA's third-largest donor,
and that prickly son of a bitch owes me.
Good to know.
But I like what I saw tonight, Douglas.
I'm very excited to roll up our sleeves
and see where this is gonna go.
Me too.
Oh, and by the way,
awfully generous of you to
give Joyce the larger office.
You are a gentleman.
[DOUG SIGHS]
Your car is on Mulholland
somewhere between
Coldwater and Laurel Canyon.
That Rolls is a piece
of shit, and so are you.
I shouldn't have sent you,
but there was no way
I could have reached
Laurel and Coldwater?
That's a two-mile stretch, Teens.
[TINA] Tough shit.
I just walked into a big-ass
party that I wasn't invited to
for a movie I didn't get to see.
[DOUG] Go back to the party, guys.
Have fun. Tina, please,
you think that was my intention?
There was no way I could reach you.
[TINA] Résumés for my replacement.
I am the managing editor,
Doug, not your secretary.
If you need me, I'll be drinking
your secret Scotch in Joyce's office.
That's where the fun seems to be.
- [LAUGHTER]
- The the the only thing
I've found at the back
of a woman's throat
- is a swollen uvula.
- [ALL LAUGH]
Okay, these pills are
definitely making me funnier.
- Can I have the other half now?
- [SHELLY] No. It's 2:00 a.m.
The sitter probably thinks we're dead.
Okay, so what's another hour?
You've had enough, okay?
Y-you can tell all your
friends tomorrow at the club
about your big party
with the porn stars.
That's what you think
this night is about?
Shell
Something is going on with
you, and I don't know what.
And I-I don't quite know
why, but I just figured
it would be good for us to get away
from the kids and the house
and the responsibilities,
try to have a little fun together?
I would like that, too,
to have some fun with you.
Look, I love you.
And-and whatever this is,
I wanna figure it out with you.
Do whatever it takes.
I do still have that other half, so
[LENNY CHUCKLES]
[SINGER] to your lips, darlin' ♪
It's poison to some ♪
[SHELLY SIGHS] Come with me.
I know a place.
[INDISTINCT] kiss.
- [BOTH] Oh.
- [RICHIE] Watch out,
the cabinet on the
left is a little wobbly.
- [SHELLY] Okay.
- [RICHIE CHUCKLES]
[JOAN] You're the belle of the ball.
[JOYCE] Joan! Hi.
I didn't know you were here. Hi.
[JOAN] That's by design.
[JOYCE] Oh.
Is that your notebook?
Are you-are you considering
writing the piece?
[SIGHS] I don't think I have
much to say about Deep Throat.
Oh. Really?
Mm.
But doesn't it seem
like people are longing
for a way to be more
open about sexuality
and-and to ask questions
without feeling shame?
And so they've turned this
ridiculous movie into this spectacle
to give themselves a
way to do just that.
And, do you know, I don't
think it stops there.
I-I think I don't know.
This feels like the
beginning of something.
[SINGER] It's poison for some ♪
Sounds like you've
already started writing it.
[SINGER] So wait like a lady ♪
Lady, lady, lady ♪
Lady, lady, lady ♪
Wait like a lady ♪
Wait like a lady ♪
Lady, lady, lady ♪
[DOUG SIGHS]
- [BAMBI] Hey.
- [DOUG] Hey.
Well, this is the biggest
party we've ever thrown.
[DOUG] Oh, by far.
Ernest Borgnine and Warren Beatty
came to blows in the parking lot.
What? Why didn't anybody come tell me?
It wasn't a fair fight.
Ernie dropped with one punch.
Ugh, I fucking missed everything.
I think I like the old parties better.
Yeah. Porn's gone mainstream.
[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]
[GROANS]
[TYPEWRITER DINGS]
["NUMBER ONE" PLAYING]
♪
[SINGER] My daddy said ♪
Son, the time's done come ♪
I'm gonna turn you loose
and let go your hand ♪
You got to go in the world
and prove yourself a man ♪
'Cause you been put down here ♪
To be number one ♪
You've got to rise in the morning ♪
And meet the sun ♪
You gotta sit at the
table and break the bread ♪
And if the blood in your veins ♪
Is runnin' red ♪
Then you ought to be a man ♪
Or you might as well be dead ♪
♪
My daddy said ♪
Son, the time's done come ♪
You got to look all around ♪
Find a solid stone ♪
You got to make things ready ♪
And build yourself a home ♪
'Cause you been put down here ♪
To be number one ♪
You got to rise in the morning ♪
And meet the sun ♪
You got to sit at the
table and break the bread ♪
And if the blood in your veins ♪
Is runnin' red ♪
Then you ought to be a man ♪
Or you might as well be dead ♪
[DOUG] Eighteen.
Motherfuck.
[SINGER] My daddy said ♪
Son, the time's done come ♪
You got to find you a woman ♪
And treat her good ♪
Do your duty like
you know you should ♪
You'll never have to
worry 'bout bein' alone ♪
The woman's gonna
make you a happy home ♪
'Cause you been put down here ♪
To be number one ♪
You got to rise in the morning ♪
And meet the sun ♪
You got to sit at the
table and break the bread ♪
And if the blood in your veins ♪
Is runnin' red ♪
Then you ought to be a man ♪
Or you might as well be dead ♪
Then you ought to be a man ♪
Or you might as well be dead ♪
♪
[DOUG] You really gonna leave
all this for business school?
I was thinkin' about it.
Well, don't.
The best is yet to come.
[LENNY] Hey, honey, I'm home.
You know, I was thinking
about you and Bambi,
seeing you two together like that
Like what?
But she came to, um
over to, uh, borrow this bra.
- [BAMBI] Oh, yes.
- Mm-hmm.
I lost mine in a well.
[DOUG] Constance Papadopoulos.
- I love it.
- [DOUG] I pitched her on investing in Bottom Dollar.
No, look, she's-she's
retired from shipping.
She no. She has zero
publishing experience.
I just hear "deep pockets
with no big ideas of what
to do with a magazine."
Why didn't I think of that?
You don't have to.
That's why you got me.
Maybe I have one good chapter left.
I cannot believe he was right.
[CONSTANCE] Yes, he
was. But do we need him?
[T. REX'S "CHILDREN OF
THE REVOLUTION" PLAYING]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS SNAPPING]
♪
[SINGER] Yeah ♪
[CROWD CHEERING]
[SINGER] Well, you
can bump and grind ♪
[CROWD CHANTING]
It's good for your mind ♪
Well, you ♪
Now this is what I call a comeback, huh?
Yeah, baby.
[SINGER] No, you won't fool ♪
The children of the revolution ♪
No, no ♪
When I bought this
company three weeks ago,
this is exactly the kind
of cultural happening
that I hoped to become a part of.
And I have this man
and his global vision
to thank for pulling me out
of a premature retirement
and hosting this historic event.
You know, a lot of
people counted us out.
But we are back, and
we are better than ever
with the hottest new movie
to launch the hottest new company, BDP.
Remember that name.
We're becoming a major player in media.
And, sure, Minx is our flagship,
but we're gonna be so much
more than just one magazine.
I'm CFO, chief fun officer.
And I'm art director,
which is an actual title.
We're building a
catalog of new magazines.
Hosting fancy parties like this one.
There might even be some merchandise
- coming your way.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS]
You said you wanted splashy.
- Is this splashy enough?
- Well, it's a beginning.
Where's our star editor? Not here yet?
Oh, Joyce? Uh, she's coming.
She loves red carpets.
She absolutely loves them.
[PROTESTERS SHOUTING "PORN-NO"]
[PROTESTERS] Faith not
filth. Faith not filth.
Faith not filth. Faith not filth!
[STREAKER] Whoo! Yeah.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS SNAPPING]
- Hello!
- Where were you?
[JOYCE] Oh, sorry. The 101 was crazy.
No, it wasn't. That's how we got here.
Okay, fine. I was writing
my editor's letter.
A fine thank-you for giving
her the bigger office.
They're the same size.
The glass creates an optical illusion.
- They are not.
- [JOYCE] Look, it's the first issue with the new owner.
I wanted to make the
right statement, okay?
And, um, speaking of, are
we sure that Deep Throat
is really putting our best foot forward?
Oh, I think so. It's
a really feminist tale.
It's about a woman
searching for an orgasm.
Yeah, which she finds via a clitoris
conveniently located
inside of her mouth?
It's always in the last place you look.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
This is our big launch, Joycey,
just smile and make us look good.
- Have a little fun.
- All right.
This is a big win for us.
- [JOYCE] Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh,
there are so many fabulous people here.
Any new names on the, uh, guest list?
Red Buttons, the
Alans Alda and Arkin
and, you're never gonna believe this,
Warren frickin' Beatty.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Connie's gonna love this.
Porn has gone mainstream.
- We should have an after-party, right?
- Yes.
- [JOYCE] No. No.
- [DOUG] Yes, let's do
- an after-party.
- God no.
The second this is over,
I'm at home in the bath.
Joan Didion has a new
piece in the Paris Review.
I've been saving it.
- It's 7,000 words, no pictures.
- It's a quick read.
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS SNAPPING]
- [SCREAMING]
[DOUG] Rich, go take some photos.
Bambs, mingle.
When you see Warren Beatty, let me know.
- I wanna meet him.
- Definitely.
What about me?
You're management, baby.
You're not lifting a finger.
You just enjoy your night.
Well, we are certainly a
long way from Seneca Falls.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Yeah.
[CONSTANCE] Come have a drink with me.
- With pleasure.
- You guys have fun.
We will. Nice cane, by the way.
It's a walking stick. Churchill had one.
So did Willy Wonka.
Oh, let him have his moment.
Poor man already feels
like an appendage.
- [TIMMY] Mr. Renetti
- What?
[TIMMY] I'm Timmy,
the projectionist.
[DOUG] Okay.
[TIMMY] Sorry, sir, we have a problem.
Deep Throat is missing.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS SNAPPING]
[PRETTY'S "FUNHOUSE" PLAYING]
♪
[SINGER] Uhn, ahh ♪
[DOUG] Okay. [INDISTINCT]
Why are you freakin' me out, Timmy?
- They're right here.
- Yes, the canisters.
[DOUG] Okay?
What am I lookin' at here?
That's Bedknobs and Broomsticks,
a five-time Academy Award
nominated musical fantasy
set during World War II.
Three adorable moppets
are placed in the care
of an apprentice witch
played by Angela Lansbury.
Apprentice? The woman's
nearly 70 years old.
- [SIGHS]
- [TIMMY] Miss Lansbury's in her early 40s.
She just has one of those faces.
Well, unless somebody comes
on that face in the second act,
this audience is gonna eat me alive.
What can I say, Doug?
My old lady made me hire her son.
He's a fuckin' moron.
Yeah, Dwight, I'm talkin' about you.
Aw, you really fucked me
on this one, you know that?
[CLIFF] You think you got it bad?
I'd hate to be at that
birthday party in Palos Verdes.
[PERSON] I'm gonna slide
up and down the banister.
I thought the bed was gonna fly.
I guess you could drive over there.
[DOUG] It's a two-hour drive.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I have a theater full of people.
My boss is here.
You are in luck.
There's another copy of the film nearby.
Bob Evans been sittin' on it.
[TINA] Who the hell is Bob Evans?
[DOUG] He's some Hollywood hotshot,
and I think he did The Godfather.
Here, give me that.
Give me that. Come here.
- [JOYCE] Director?
- [DOUG] Uh, no.
- [JOYCE] Writer?
- [DOUG] I I don't know.
All I know is, he's been
spankin' it to this movie
- for two weeks straight.
- [RICHIE] Ali MacGraw
left him for Steve McQueen.
Cut the guy some slack.
[TINA] Doug, what the hell are we doin'?
It's 30 minutes there.
It's 30 minutes back.
Please I'll-I'll vamp for the crowd.
Just please do this for me.
[RICHIE] Thomas Guide?
[DOUG] It's in the back seat.
And, please, easy on the brakes.
It's a very expensive car.
Thank you, guys. I love you, I love you,
I love you.
[PROTESTERS SHOUTING "PORN-NO"]
[EXHALES]
- Everything all right?
- Oh, with me?
Fantastic. Thank you for asking.
♪
Who's that? Who's that?
- Hmm?
- Who was that?
- I don't know. Is he famous?
- [BAMBI] Hi!
- [LENNY] Hey.
- I didn't think you guys were gonna show.
[SHELLY] Yeah, me neither,
especially after I buried
the first invitation
at the bottom of the trash can.
But then the second one showed up
and this one got his hands on it,
so here we are.
This scene is wild.
- [SHELLY CLEARS THROAT]
- You know what? I am.
I'm gonna unbutton the second button.
- Yes, fun.
- [SHELLY] No, no, no.
You have that eczema patch.
Oh, just put the chain
over it. It'll be foxy.
[SHELLY] No, no, no. I got it. I got it.
- I got it. It's okay.
- [BAMBI GIGGLES]
That's perfect. Thank you.
You guys, drinkies.
I'm Chief Fun Offering my services.
Um, uh, two Jack and Cokes,
unless you have anything stronger.
Um, I'll see what they have.
- Mm-hmm.
- [JOYCE] Oh, my God.
Thank God you're here.
You can keep me company
at this bacchanal.
- [SIGHS]
- Is that uh, is that
is that no, don't
is it Telly Savalas?
[SHELLY] That could be any bald head.
[LENNY] No, no. Look at the gleam.
That's him. That's Telly Savalas.
- I know it.
- [JOYCE] God, the Lamberts at Deep Throat.
What is the world coming to?
Well, this film is the talk
of the dental community.
Yeah, if that smug
Peter Strom wants to brag
about his porcelain veneers
again, then I'm gonna say,
"Oh, really? Well,
guess what I got to see.
I got to see" Yul Brynner.
- Oh, is it?
- [GASPS] I knew
- it was a celebrity skull.
- I do like Yul.
[BELL CLANGING]
Now the movie's gonna
start and I didn't say hi.
Uh, you can talk to him after.
- Shall we do this?
- [LENNY] Maybe we're sitting by him.
- [JOYCE] All right
- Are we sitting by him?
[SHELLY] No, we're definitely
not. We're not seated by him.
- How do you know?
- Please don't. Please don't.
[BAMBI] That's such a
snazzy jacket, Lenny.
- [LENNY] Thank you.
- [BAMBI GIGGLES]
I don't get to, uh,
trot it out very often,
- but
- [SHELLY] You know what?
Let's be close to the aisle.
- [DOUG] Okay. Ooh.
- [SHELLY] Yeah?
- [LENNY] You want me to go
- [BAMBI] Oh, that's so cute.
Your bladder's the size of a pea.
- [SHELLY] Uh, Joyce
- [JOYCE] Yeah.
[SHELLY] You know what?
You need to sit here.
- We have sister business.
- [BAMBI] Oh, okay.
Prigger! Joyce!
Can I talk to you for a second? Now?
- [SHELLY SIGHS]
- [JOYCE] I'm so sorry, Bambi.
[BAMBI] Okay. Yup.
Okay. Sorry. Excuse us.
[BAMBI GIGGLES] Sorry.
- Just scootch that on over.
- [SHELLY] Oh.
[BAMBI] Okay, what do you think?
Popcorn, nachos, dog of corn?
Oh, uh, nachos, please.
I have seen popcorn hulls get jammed
right up into the gumline.
- Yeah.
- Your job is so interesting.
Oh.
Do you judge people
when they get cavities,
or is it nice to feel needed?
Well, is it crazy if I say
- it's a little bit of both?
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- [LAUGHS]
- [BAMBI] No.
No, well, that's what I was saying
[JOYCE] Oh, no.
Something gone awry with your
mob-distributed illegal film?
Okay, listen, Joyce, I-I
might have to get up there
and vamp a little bit for the crowd,
and-and-and I might pull you up, okay?
And I'm gonna need you,
if you get up there,
to talk about the
kind of the lady Minx
perspective of the movie
to keep people going.
All right, the Minx perspective is gonna
be quite happy in her seat,
eating Nonpareils, okay?
- Want one?
- No, I don't want a Nonpareil.
Those are disgusting.
- Fuck.
- [TIRES SCREECH]
[CAR DOORS CLOSE]
- [INTERCOM BUZZES]
- [GARBLED VOICE] What?
[TINA] We're here for the reels.
[GARBLED VOICE]
[TINA] No. Not Lady Sings the Blues.
- Deep Throat.
- [VOICE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Okay, thank you. You too.
- Kevin's coming down.
- [RICHIE] If you say so.
[DOUG] Welcome, everybody,
to the biggest and baddest
social event of 1973.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
This movie is too hot for New York City.
They couldn't handle it.
- Chicago couldn't handle it.
- [LAUGHTER]
But this is LA, baby.
- Can we handle it?
- [TIMMY MUTTERS]
Oh.
But first, I wanna introduce
Minx's own Joyce Prigger.
Come on up, Joycey.
You're gonna love her. I know I do.
Get up, Joycey.
[BAMBI] Joyce! Joyce!
Joyce! Joyce! Joyce!
Joyce! Joyce! Whoo!
Whoo!
Surely we can work something out, guys.
Shutting this down seems to be an
extreme reaction to this situation.
You placed ads on billboards.
You got those drive time idiots
to yammer about it on the radio.
Then you wave your klieg
lights across the city
for a movie that's banned
in half the country.
You tied the DA's hands.
Friends, you're killin' me right now.
[JOYCE] As we're all aware,
Michelangelo was repulsed
by the female form.
- Um uh
- [AUDIENCE MUTTERING]
Uh, his greatest depictions
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
were of virginal, untouched Mary.
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
- [FEEDBACK WHINES]
- Uh
Have you guys seen the movie?
It's more arthouse than it is porn.
You know what it's
about? It's about a woman
- searching for pleasure
- Mr. Renetti,
this is not a negotiation.
If a single frame of Deep
Throat hits that screen,
we're gonna arrest
you and everyone here.
[CANISTERS CLATTER]
You guys really know how to rain
on someone's parade, you know that?
I just don't know what I'm gonna tell
all those people in the theater.
I got no Deep Throat now 'cause of you.
Well, better you say it here
than from the inside of a jail cell.
[SECOND COP] Good night, Mr. Renetti.
[DOUG] I got egg all
over my face, officers.
You win again.
- I lose again.
- [ENGINE RUMBLES]
Thanks for nothin', officers.
[ENGINE REVS]
[RICHIE] Deep dish pizza,
a lake as big as an ocean,
- the Cubbies
- Is that a haiku?
[RICHIE] No.
I was just listing all the things
that you missed out on by turning down
- the University of Chicago.
- [SIGHS] Don't start.
Running Minx is my business school.
Tina, you're not running
Minx. You're running errands.
Doug can distract us with
all the new titles he wants,
but we're still his gofers.
- [KEVIN CLEARS THROAT]
- [TINA] Oh.
There's supposed to be six.
Yeah. [SIGHS] Bob wanted to give
the last three one more viewing.
- He's had it for a week.
- [KEVIN] I don't know, man.
The engagement sequence cheers him up.
All right, I'll drive
back with the first set.
You stay and take a cab with the rest.
[RICHIE] Wha
Oh, Porn Schlepping 101.
I love that MBA program.
- [EXHALES]
- [KEVIN] Is that grass?
No.
[THE SCREAMING GYSPY BANDITS'
"PREMATURELY" PLAYING]
[BRAKES SCREECH]
- [DOUG] Do you have 'em?
- [TINA] Yes.
Yes.
Oh, Tina, hallelujah.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Tell me you weren't ridin' the
brakes like that the whole time.
[TINA] Would you quit worrying?
[DOUG] You kill the
brakes when you do that.
Uh, very good guess, but
no, that is the perineum.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
Warren, for the 12th time,
I know you know, all right?
We all know you now. Right?
Gentlemen, does any man in this room
besides Warren Beatty over there,
know where the clitoris
is on a female body?
[SHELLY] Absolutely not.
Yes, good sir.
The little nubbin under the beret.
Ew. Jeez.
- But yes. Yes, yes.
- [APPLAUSE]
It's the nubbin.
The nubbin, everybody.
All right, now, let's
hey-hey, ladies and gentlemen,
you've had enough of me.
Are you ready for the absurdist
cinematic spectacle of our time,
Deep Throat?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[RICHIE] So do all of Bob's assistants
have to wait for him to jerk off?
I'm actually a VP at Paramount.
[RICHIE CHUCKLES]
But I started as his assistant,
and he can't stop
thinkin' of me that way.
[SIGHS] The things he makes me do.
[CHUCKLES] You know, if
I ever have an assistant,
I swear I'm gonna be so nice to him.
- I do have an assistant.
- [RICHIE] Mm.
[KEVIN] Who do you think is standing
- outside Bob's door right now?
- [RICHIE GIGGLES]
No. No. I'm getting
loopier by the second, so
And if I like you loopy?
[BOB] Kevin, I'm done. I need
- a strawberry milkshake
- [KEVIN SIGHS]
[BOB] and a menthol cigarette.
Also, I, uh, fired your assistant.
He won't stop crying.
- Duty calls.
- Mm.
Can you get me a cab?
I have a better idea.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[DOCTOR] Listen, having a clitoris
deep down at the bottom of your throat
is better than having
no clitoris at all.
That's easy for you to say. [WEEPS]
Suppose your balls were in your ear.
Why, then I could hear myself coming.
[LAUGHTER]
Listen, we have the problem solved.
All we have to do now
is find a solution.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- [LINDA] Like what?
- [LENNY CHUCKLES]
- [LINDA WEEPS]
[DOCTOR] Like-like deep throat.
[SHELLY] Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Oh, my God.
- [LINDA] Deep what?
[DOCTOR] Deep throat.
[LINDA] You make it sound so easy.
[DOCTOR] Well, it is.
Try it. You'll like it.
[LINDA] Well, what have I got to lose?
- [DOCTOR] Come dear.
- [DOUG] How much time we got left, Timmy?
Seven, maybe eight minutes.
[DOUG] Well, it-it's
better to give the audience
some Deep Throat than
no Deep Throat, right?
No. It's way worse.
- See this crack?
- [DOUG] Yeah.
[TIMMY] Sound of Music,
'66. We spooled out
right as the Nazis rushed in.
[DOUG] All right, so we
are about to give blue balls
to this entire theater.
Is that what you're
telling me right now?
Yes, sir.
[DOUG] Teens? Teens? Please.
I need you.
I need you to go find Richie and
figure out what the holdup is.
By the time I get there and back,
this reel'll be long
done. It doesn't m
No, I have a plan for that.
I have a plan for that.
I'm gonna have Joyce go up there
and tap dance a little bit.
- Please. Please.
- Okay, but it
- it just doesn't make sense.
- [DOUG] I I I need you to go, please.
- I'm begging you.
- Ooh, okay. Yep.
[SIGHS] Oh, God.
It's a lot. Right?
I've mostly been watching the crowd
- instead of the screen.
- What? Oh, no.
I-I-I had a large cola.
You know, after three kids,
whoosh, goes right through ya.
Well, Lenny seems to
be having a good time.
[SHELLY] Oh, yeah. Mark my words,
he's in there workshopping
a Deep Throat joke
he'll be telling for years.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
[SHELLY] Huh? Ow!
What's wrong with you?
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
- Joan Didion?
- Oh, my God.
Is it the auth Joan
Didion? Is she here?
- [JOYCE] Hi. Hi.
- [SHELLY] Oh, God.
- I'm, uh I'm Joyce
- [JOAN] Joyce Prigger, yeah.
I enjoyed your little performance.
Oh, God. Blech. [CHUCKLES]
What are you doing here?
Forming an opinion.
I wanted to see what all
the the fuss was about.
Well, people are here. [CHUCKLES]
You know, and people
are really laughing.
But I-I think that's because
of the collective anxiety
of watching something
so unsettling on screen.
The laughter's a nervous
release, you know?
[CHUCKLES]
I think they're laughing
'cause it's a comedy.
Yes. I-I agree.
Well, I don't think it was their intent,
but, uh, regardless,
they seem to have
stumbled onto something.
And will you excuse me?
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Hey, Joan?
Um, fun idea just occurred to me.
- [JOAN PEEING]
- What if you wrote about this for Minx?
[JOAN] Uh
Just some small musings, really.
Just you just your
thoughts on what it all means.
[JOAN] It is possible to continue
this conversation at another time?
[JOYCE] Well, uh, actually,
um, we're having an after-party,
um, which you should come to.
Um, and we can we can chat there
if you like and talk about life
and star signs and [CHUCKLES]
- Um
- [JOAN] Oh.
- There you go.
- [JOAN] Yeah.
Is this in the valley?
- [PROJECTOR WHIRRING]
- [BANG ON DOOR]
Help me push this against the door.
- It might buy us some time.
- [DOUG] Stop it.
[JOYCE] Her-her-her eyes were smiling.
You know? Like-like-like,
- from ear to ear. Oh!
- [CANISTERS CLATTER]
[DOUG] Oh, God, no! [GROANS]
- [SHELLY] Oh! Oh, God.
- [DOUG GRUNTS]
[SHELLY] Oh, that's terrible.
[DOUG] Find reel four.
- [JOYCE] All right. Jesus.
- [RICHIE] Oh, okay.
I haven't seen any of it.
How am I supposed to know
- what's in reel four?
- [DOUG] Shout it out.
- I'll know.
- [RICHIE] I've got, uh, pubic shaving.
Is this the nurse making whoopie?
There's a straw coming
out of her vagina.
That's Coke dildo. [PANTS]
Coke dildo starts reel four.
[DOUG] All right, give me reel four.
It's reel four. Give it to me.
Thank you. Come on.
[JOYCE] Oh, my God. Give me that.
- Come on.
- [DOUG] Fuck!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
[SINGER] Something's wrong ♪
- [BOTH YELL]
- [JOYCE] Je God, reel four.
♪
[DOCTOR] Case 358.
Albert Finster. Age 25.
Bachelor.
Has an obsession in finding out
that things really do
go better with Coke.
- Relax your muscles
- [PROJECTOR WHIRS]
[PROJECTOR BEEPS]
[SINGER] I'd like to try ♪
[LAUGHTER]
Please don't think less of me ♪
I'd like to drink a little Coke ♪
[JOYCE] All right.
Oh. Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
You're very kind.
Thank you.
Hi, hello.
Did you enjoy it? Love your boa.
'Kay, thank you. Great to meet you.
Thank you. Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me.
All right, you should
put some ice on that,
because we have an after-party to host.
Thought you nixed that. Who
was it, Joyce Carol Oates
in the bathtub, reading
a book or something?
No, it's Joan Didion, and
she's coming to the party, okay?
She might actually be writing
about Deep Throat for our magazine.
Oh, God, this really is
a cultural phenomenon.
- Uh it's not gonna happen.
- [JOYCE] Hi.
We don't have time to throw a party.
What? No, it's fine.
Constance is all over it.
She's got a caterer on retainer.
- Constance
- [JOYCE] Yeah.
is gonna stock the
booze for one of our parties?
- Yeah.
- [DOUG CHUCKLING] No.
- [JOYCE] Why?
- No, no, if we're gonna do it,
it's gotta be Tina. I'll send Tina.
- She knows what good
- Tina! Where is Tina?
I haven't seen her
all evening. Thank you.
Hi! Oh, my God, hi.
["IF IT'S ALRIGHT, IT'S
GONNA BE ALL NIGHT" PLAYING]
[BAMBI CHUCKLES] Enjoy!
♪
- Great choice.
- [SINGER] Oh, baby ♪
If it's all right ♪
[LENNY] No, no, I liked it. I liked it.
Of course, I've had a
lot of women patients,
but the only thing I've ever found
in the back of a woman's
throat is esophageal cancer.
- [CHUCKLING]
- So another oh, yeah.
Hey, you're driving.
[BAMBI] Oh, the green
ones are for focus.
Astronauts take them to survive reentry.
- You can have half.
- [BAMBI] Ooh.
- Give it.
- [KEVIN] I love what you did with the lens flare.
It makes you feel
like someone's looking.
[RICHIE] Most people get derailed
- by the monster cock.
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh. Funny and talented.
Hope you're ready to hit the big time.
- [RICHIE CHUCKLES] Okay.
- [GLASSES CLINK]
[DOUG] Well, the difference
is, cane's got a crook,
whereas this baby right
here check that out.
Nepalese fire opal.
- They say it's cursed.
- [LAUGHTER]
[CHUCKLES] I say it's expensive.
- [BAMBI] Ahem.
- [DOUG] A great piece.
[SINGER] I know you're
gonna make it all right ♪
[LAUGHTER]
[PERSON] Oh, yeah? When I was a kid,
I thought a blow job was someone
literally blowing on your dick.
No, the first time I saw a penis,
I thought it was a long belly button.
What kind of wackos
send these unsolicited?
Aw, grandpa thinks he
belongs in a magazine.
[LAUGHTER]
That's Wayne. He has a purple heart.
[JOYCE] Yeah. And a purple penis.
Um
[PERSON] Hey, can I get a refill?
[LAUGHTER]
[SINGER] Now, I know
that when I take you ♪
[CONSTANCE] Ah, nothing more attractive
than a man doing the dishes.
You know, if you were 20 years younger,
I might just lock you away in my tower.
[DOUG] Well, if you
were ten years older,
- I might let ya.
- [CONSTANCE CHUCKLES]
I'm just sayin' my goodbyes.
Not bad for our maiden voyage, huh?
What do you think? You happy?
I especially appreciate
the way you handled
the debacle with the
missing reels and the police.
- What police?
- [CONSTANCE] Mm-hmm.
I know that you're used to taking care
of all these things by
yourself, but use me.
I was the DA's third-largest donor,
and that prickly son of a bitch owes me.
Good to know.
But I like what I saw tonight, Douglas.
I'm very excited to roll up our sleeves
and see where this is gonna go.
Me too.
Oh, and by the way,
awfully generous of you to
give Joyce the larger office.
You are a gentleman.
[DOUG SIGHS]
Your car is on Mulholland
somewhere between
Coldwater and Laurel Canyon.
That Rolls is a piece
of shit, and so are you.
I shouldn't have sent you,
but there was no way
I could have reached
Laurel and Coldwater?
That's a two-mile stretch, Teens.
[TINA] Tough shit.
I just walked into a big-ass
party that I wasn't invited to
for a movie I didn't get to see.
[DOUG] Go back to the party, guys.
Have fun. Tina, please,
you think that was my intention?
There was no way I could reach you.
[TINA] Résumés for my replacement.
I am the managing editor,
Doug, not your secretary.
If you need me, I'll be drinking
your secret Scotch in Joyce's office.
That's where the fun seems to be.
- [LAUGHTER]
- The the the only thing
I've found at the back
of a woman's throat
- is a swollen uvula.
- [ALL LAUGH]
Okay, these pills are
definitely making me funnier.
- Can I have the other half now?
- [SHELLY] No. It's 2:00 a.m.
The sitter probably thinks we're dead.
Okay, so what's another hour?
You've had enough, okay?
Y-you can tell all your
friends tomorrow at the club
about your big party
with the porn stars.
That's what you think
this night is about?
Shell
Something is going on with
you, and I don't know what.
And I-I don't quite know
why, but I just figured
it would be good for us to get away
from the kids and the house
and the responsibilities,
try to have a little fun together?
I would like that, too,
to have some fun with you.
Look, I love you.
And-and whatever this is,
I wanna figure it out with you.
Do whatever it takes.
I do still have that other half, so
[LENNY CHUCKLES]
[SINGER] to your lips, darlin' ♪
It's poison to some ♪
[SHELLY SIGHS] Come with me.
I know a place.
[INDISTINCT] kiss.
- [BOTH] Oh.
- [RICHIE] Watch out,
the cabinet on the
left is a little wobbly.
- [SHELLY] Okay.
- [RICHIE CHUCKLES]
[JOAN] You're the belle of the ball.
[JOYCE] Joan! Hi.
I didn't know you were here. Hi.
[JOAN] That's by design.
[JOYCE] Oh.
Is that your notebook?
Are you-are you considering
writing the piece?
[SIGHS] I don't think I have
much to say about Deep Throat.
Oh. Really?
Mm.
But doesn't it seem
like people are longing
for a way to be more
open about sexuality
and-and to ask questions
without feeling shame?
And so they've turned this
ridiculous movie into this spectacle
to give themselves a
way to do just that.
And, do you know, I don't
think it stops there.
I-I think I don't know.
This feels like the
beginning of something.
[SINGER] It's poison for some ♪
Sounds like you've
already started writing it.
[SINGER] So wait like a lady ♪
Lady, lady, lady ♪
Lady, lady, lady ♪
Wait like a lady ♪
Wait like a lady ♪
Lady, lady, lady ♪
[DOUG SIGHS]
- [BAMBI] Hey.
- [DOUG] Hey.
Well, this is the biggest
party we've ever thrown.
[DOUG] Oh, by far.
Ernest Borgnine and Warren Beatty
came to blows in the parking lot.
What? Why didn't anybody come tell me?
It wasn't a fair fight.
Ernie dropped with one punch.
Ugh, I fucking missed everything.
I think I like the old parties better.
Yeah. Porn's gone mainstream.
[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]
[GROANS]
[TYPEWRITER DINGS]
["NUMBER ONE" PLAYING]
♪
[SINGER] My daddy said ♪
Son, the time's done come ♪
I'm gonna turn you loose
and let go your hand ♪
You got to go in the world
and prove yourself a man ♪
'Cause you been put down here ♪
To be number one ♪
You've got to rise in the morning ♪
And meet the sun ♪
You gotta sit at the
table and break the bread ♪
And if the blood in your veins ♪
Is runnin' red ♪
Then you ought to be a man ♪
Or you might as well be dead ♪
♪
My daddy said ♪
Son, the time's done come ♪
You got to look all around ♪
Find a solid stone ♪
You got to make things ready ♪
And build yourself a home ♪
'Cause you been put down here ♪
To be number one ♪
You got to rise in the morning ♪
And meet the sun ♪
You got to sit at the
table and break the bread ♪
And if the blood in your veins ♪
Is runnin' red ♪
Then you ought to be a man ♪
Or you might as well be dead ♪
[DOUG] Eighteen.
Motherfuck.
[SINGER] My daddy said ♪
Son, the time's done come ♪
You got to find you a woman ♪
And treat her good ♪
Do your duty like
you know you should ♪
You'll never have to
worry 'bout bein' alone ♪
The woman's gonna
make you a happy home ♪
'Cause you been put down here ♪
To be number one ♪
You got to rise in the morning ♪
And meet the sun ♪
You got to sit at the
table and break the bread ♪
And if the blood in your veins ♪
Is runnin' red ♪
Then you ought to be a man ♪
Or you might as well be dead ♪
Then you ought to be a man ♪
Or you might as well be dead ♪
♪