Monarch Of The Glen (2000) s02e02 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 2
( horn honking ) Well, now then, the great day dawns.
Absolutely.
You know, Kilwillie, I have this strange feeling.
- Not ill, are you? - Sweating palms, palpitations, inability to concentrate, uncontrollable shaking.
Nothing out of the ordinary there then.
Absolutely not! Come on! Ahh my beauty.
My Lagganmore Peculiar, come home at last.
I've tried to take care of her for you.
I'm very grateful.
You'll get a reward, don't worry.
- Come on.
It's almost time.
- Is it safe? Molly's out in the real world, no sign of Archie at all.
( laughs ) ( bird calling ) - What was that? - What? What? Come on! ( liquid sloshing ) Gently! Gently.
Just think, when you set this wondrous malt aside to mature, all those years ago.
30 years ago to the day.
30 years.
When I was as debonair as Cary Grant, and my forehead was a mass of golden curls.
That was a very long time ago.
Don't forget.
Not a word about this to anyone, especially you-know-who.
Just hold it right there.
Don't even think about it! ( theme music playing ) Archie: so is there anything special about this Lagganmore Peculiar? You mean apart from being extremely valuab- nothing special at all! If that's the case, why are you being so shifty? - Ah, fair point.
- Will you be quiet? Anyone would think you'd drunk a pint of it already! Right.
I think I'm going to confiscate this, pending further inquiries.
You can't, it's mine! I'm head of the family! And I am the laird.
It's my responsibility to make the most of the estate's assets, whatever they are.
Is nothing sacred? You've flogged everything, including most of my wine! Finders keepers! Losers weepers! Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Whiskey's meant for drinking, damn it! I'm not gonna take this lying down, Kilwillie, oh, dear me, no.
Chocks away, chaps.
Have you seen this? Lexie: Don't tell me.
Queen Victoria has just bought a bungalow in a place called Balmoral? If we don't stop Archie doing this, you and me are finished, son.
But, Golly, we've known for ages that Archie was gonna hire another sad schmuck to work in here.
That was to run the visitor center.
This is something else.
"Head Ranger"? Head Ranger.
Seems to me that title carries certain implications.
Yeah, like he's gonna head well the ranges.
Those ranges are mine and have been for the last 20 years.
This is the end of the old order.
Maybe me with it.
Oh, Golly, don't be daft.
You'd better believe it, lass.
He's got to be stopped.
Well, as long as you don't expect any help from Albert Einstein there.
( mimicking machine gun ) Golly: Duncan! Do you not realise how serious this is? Our whole future's under threat here.
You're supposed to be a man, not a stupid boy! Now grow up! Act your age! Leave your names on your paintings, otherwise I've no idea whose they are.
Miss, miss - what are you doing here? - Sorry.
Is it a bad time? Uh no.
How've you been? Yeah, you know, all right.
Have you spoken to Justine yet? No.
Anyway, have you seen the advert for the new job? Uh-huh.
Would you give me a hand with the interviews? Yeah, sure.
Great.
I need someone to help me outvote my father, 'cause he's bound to want the wrong person.
I better go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why don't you come around later? We can talk about it.
And I'll even make you some supper.
Oh, that'd be great.
Yeah.
See you later.
Okay, I'll see you later.
( children wooing ) Aaaah! Whoo-hoo! Whoo- whoa, whoa, whoa! He's right, you know.
I'm no good to man nor beast.
Don't be daft, lad! You're great.
At what? Give me a few hours and I'll think of something.
I'm only joking.
You're good with beasts, with machines, and you're good with people too.
You're just good to have around, wee man.
Do you really think so? Yeah.
I mean you could really go places, as long as you believed in yourself.
How can I? Golly doesn't.
Well, show him.
And Archie.
Yeah, but how? ( knock on door ) Hang on! All right! Sorry, have you got a minute? Yes, sure.
Come in.
It's it's about this head ranger.
Listen, Golly, I want you to know whoever we appoint won't have anything to do with you.
Okay? Right.
I mean, you'll still be your own boss, in charge of the sporting side, and then the ranger will look after hikers, climbers, trails, things like that.
Mm-hmm.
You'll both be reporting to me separately.
Yes, yes.
Well, unless unless what? Unless I get the job myself.
You'll have my application by the end of the day.
Golly? Golly.
Archie.
Mother, I need your help.
Ah, Golly, a moment of your valuable time.
You've just been with Archie? Uh-huh.
Did you notice, um was there any sign of, uh that'll cost you.
What? Oh.
Very well.
Hector, behave yourself.
- I'm talking favors, right? - A gentleman's agreement? - Uh-huh.
- Splendid! Whatever you say.
Well? It's in his room.
Under the wee table.
It's locked.
( vacuum rattling ) Lex, would you post this for me, please? Sure.
How is she? I don't know.
It's just a few things she left behind.
Oh, and I won't be in for supper tonight either.
And whose table will you be plunking your feet under? I've got a few things to talk over with - with Katrina.
- oh, this week's model.
You don't waste much time.
Just what point is it you're trying to make? Oh, give me a break! You're hardly beyond one brokenhearted lassie, and you've got your philandering claws into the next.
- It is a perfectly innocent business meeting.
- Come on! If you're prepared to stomach that one's cooking, then it must be serious.
Lexie.
I hope it chokes you.
( whistling ) Oh, aye.
Who's away with my ax? Hi.
You look nice.
So do you.
- Come in.
- Yes.
Thank you.
( growling ) Ah, Hector, have you seen Golly? Oh, right.
( Katrina laughing ) There's still some tunabake, if you're still hungry.
No, no.
I'm fine, thanks.
It was it was very filling.
Is that your way of saying "no, thanks, it was really crap"? Let's get one thing straight- I'm completely useless in the kitchen.
Pretty sensational elsewhere in the house? Archie MacDonald! That is not the remark of a gentleman! Sorry.
Terrible thing to say.
Must be the- the drink talking.
You know, when you smile like that, sunny jim gives you a retching feeling in the pit of your stomach.
- We'd better stop.
- Why? 'Cause you're pouring chianti onto my lap.
Oh, sorry! All right.
Sorry.
I'll just go and clean up, okay? Sorry.
Molly: Come on, boys, come on.
Lovely evening, isn't it? Aye it is, Molly, it is.
Would you like a beer? Oh, no thanks.
It always makes me fart.
Can't have flatulence amongst the ruling classes, can we? That would never do.
- Must be my age.
- ( dog whines ) It is sad, isn't it, Golly, when one can't do the things one used to? I suppose it is.
Like? Well, I knew that Hector and I would be lost without Archie.
Such good judgment for one so young.
Och, well, he's had good training.
Much of it from you, Golly, we all know that.
And I know how he values your work as head ghillie.
Let's hope he finds someone half as good for this ranger thing.
Molly, now you've come to mention it- and then what a great team he'll have, eh? Maturity and experience on one hand, youthful drive and energy on the other.
Aye.
And we can't be good at everything, can we? No.
Oh, listen to me rabbitting on.
Well, I've enjoyed our little chat.
No problem.
Molly if Archie thinks I'm too old for this job, maybe he just better tell me himself.
Okay? Yeah.
There's still some of that wine left, if you want some.
No, I think maybe I've had enough.
I've got to drive home in a minute.
Right.
Look, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's no bother.
Don't worry.
No.
I meant oh, right.
Well, yeah, me too.
It's just that- I know.
Too soon.
It wouldn't be fair on her, would it? Or you.
Don't worry about me, Archie.
I can look after myself.
Right.
I'd better head off then.
- Thanks for supper.
It was great.
- No, it wasn't.
But thanks for saying so.
I'll see you at the interviews? Uh-huh.
Bye.
( door opens ) ( groans ) - Oh! - Ah ha! Caught you! You're not getting any of this whiskey, do you understand? Tomorrow I'm going to call Sotheby's.
- You can't! - and they're gonna sell it for loads of cash which I'm gonna plow into the estate, and you are not gonna drink a single drop, okay? Look, son I'm an old man.
Very few pleasures left.
Have a heart.
I don't have one.
So go away, and leave me and my barrel alone to sleep in peace.
Rotter! Whoa argh! It's just a thought, you know with all this stuff going on- oh, no.
You did right.
Thought we'd better check it out.
You've not put a foot wrong these past months.
Yeah? In fact, I think you're ready for a fresh challenge.
That's just what Lexie was saying.
Listen, I'm sorry if I spoke harsh words to you.
That was completely out of order.
Oh, no.
No bother, Golly.
I'm just glad you think I'm up to this new job.
Huh? What- hey, come here, come here.
What do you mean, new job? Huh? Well, you're- you're not suggesting- you're not suggesting you've applied for the ranger's job? You can't do that! - Can't I? - That's my job.
I'm talking about you taking over as the ghillie! Oh.
C'mon.
Morning.
Or is it afternoon? Have you got eyes on the top of your head? Who needs them? Heard you coming about 10 minutes ago.
If your eyes are as good as your ears, you'll know you're trespassing.
And you must know there's no such enforceable offense in Scottish law.
I'm sorry.
Shall we start again? I'm Fergal MacLure.
You must be- camping without permission, disturbing the wildlife, as well as posing a fire risk.
Duncan: Golly! Look! He's got a chopper! Same make and everything.
Don't tell me.
Is threatening behavior towards twigs another offense in your statute book, Golly? ( whistling ) Hector, there's no need to hang around.
I can do these by myself.
You got them round the wrong way last time.
The imperial set hang there, the royal set hang there.
And be careful, they're my pride and joy.
I'm watching you.
Oh, I've stopped all that silly nonsense.
Oh, Archie, I must talk to you about Golly.
Golly: Archie.
There's someone here for you to see.
- Who's that? - This guy that's been nicking all the stuff.
Him.
Fergal! How're you doing? How's it going, Archie? Listen, sorry about this.
Wait a minute.
You two know one another? Yeah.
Fergal's applied for the job.
He asked if he could spend a couple of days on the estate, look around, get to know the place better.
I see.
Yeah, Fergal, I'll catch up with you later.
Yeah, sure.
No problem.
I know, I'm sorry, I should have said something.
It's just that- you know- with all that's going on- better late than never.
Right.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I've an important phone call to make.
Archie! Oh! It's about tomorrow's interview.
Yeah? Well, I just wanted to make it clear that I'm definitely going ahead with my application.
You are? Archie, it's too good an opportunity to miss.
Uh, Golly Golly, have you- have you thought about this? I've thought about it very carefully, Archie.
And you're happy to go up against the likes of Fergal and Duncan? I know that there are some who think I'm just a wee bit too long in the tooth for it.
No.
I'm sure a sensible chap like you appreciates the value of experience.
Absolutely, yeah.
As well as the provisions of the equal opportunities act of 1992.
I'll see you in the morning.
( Archie mumbling ) Lexie: Hector! Where are you? I think you need your head examined.
If you know what I mean.
Hector? Hector.
Hector? Kilwillie's on the phone.
Wants to know if the fox has left his den yet, whatever that means.
Hector? Hector? That's right, Lagganmore Peculiar.
In a sealed cask.
Well, I was wondering if you might be able to auction it for me.
Good.
How much? Really? That's amazing! Hang on, I'll just check the thing.
Father! Father! Where are you? I know you're here somewhere! Father.
( whistling ) Archie: Where is it? - What? - The barrel.
- What barrel? - You know what barrel.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- You took it.
- I didn't.
There's no point denying it.
I did not! All right, if I've got it, where is it now then? Ah ha! Another conspirator, eh? So, you agreed to be the getaway in the heist, in return for my father's vote at tomorrow's interviews.
Eh? I'm surprised at you, Duncan.
Surprised and disappointed.
No, no, listen, boss, I can explain! It was on the lift when it came down.
I was just trying to help! What is it, Badger? Oh.
Hector: Kilwillie? Hello? - Kilwillie! - Yes! Ah.
The fox has gone to earth, having dug himself a rather deeper den.
Plan B, I think.
I understand.
Into the starting gate first thing tomorrow.
Roger wilco.
Over and out.
Over and out.
Thank you, Badger.
Hi.
Sorry, I hope I didn't startle you.
Having a nice paddle? Well, you're not gonna believe this, but I'm actually looking for freshwater crayfish.
That's a new one.
You should try further down.
I had my school kids looking for them last week.
There's a dipper there, too.
A bird? Lovely wee thing.
Yeah, but better insulated than homo sapiens.
I'm freezing.
Do you mind? I'm sorry? Well it's just that I'm not oh! Sorry.
Why should I? I mean it is a free country.
Ah, please.
What would you do if I didn't? ( splashing ) Okay! I get your point! Kilwillie: But how am I supposed to get up there? Hector: Use your imagination.
Get a ladder! - I'll get vertigo.
- don't be ridiculous! Pull yourself together! Whoa! Hector Kilwillie, excuse us a second.
It's time, Hector.
Time? Time for what? What do you know? Time for you to repay that wee favor you owe me.
What? Ah.
Yes.
I think you know what to do, which way your conscience lies.
Quite.
Kilwillie.
What was all that about? Mind your own business! Now, where were we? Mission impossible.
Ahhh! Lexie! Shush.
And this.
You are wearing a suit today, and that is that! Do you mind? Now, when you go in, shake them by the hand.
Wish them a good day.
Establish some authority.
And when you talk, don't look at your shoes, but at them.
Maintain eye contact at all times.
There.
What do we think about that then? Oh, Duncan, you look like a porn star from the 1970's.
I think we might need your help, Molly.
When you've got it, don't let it out of your sight.
Have you got everything? Map of the house.
Walkie-talkie.
Rope.
Swiss Army penknife.
Jacknight.
Jacknight? Sorry.
I made that bit up.
Hiya.
Good morning, Archie.
( dogs barking ) Hector: Down, boys, come on.
Archie: McKnight, come this way, please.
Straight through.
Father.
What are you two doing? Well? Definitely not.
Eyes too close together, I think.
Testing, testing! All toys confiscated for the duration of the interview.
You can't, it's mine! Give that to me! Mother.
You had no right to take that- uh Molly, if Kilwillie should happen to make contact- father, please.
All right.
Thank you.
( radio static ) ( rattling ) Archie: Sorry to have kept you waiting.
We're running a little behind.
If you'd like to come through.
Hmm another woman in the house.
I'm not that stupid, Molly.
Molly: Oh, Hector, Peter O'Sullivan asked me to tell you that red rum has crossed the milling road.
Molly, I've just jumped beaches.
First time round.
Over and out.
Very good.
Over.
Duncan.
We're ready.
- Aww.
- Aww.
Duncan, you're a vision in tweed.
Good luck, son.
Remember, walk tall, and may the best man win.
Thanks very much, Golly.
I appreciate that.
Knock 'em dead, sweetheart.
And remember, whatever happens, I'm proud of you.
Molly, any news? ( grunting ) ( sighs ) Duncan, that tie I didn't know you were a member of the old naval military.
Archie: It's one of yours, father.
Oh.
Archie: Right, Duncan.
Perhaps you can tell us why you think you're the right candidate for this job.
I've learned a lot and now I'm ready to take on more responsibilities.
Oh, for god's sake, life's too short.
How do we preserve the balance between providing access to all preserving the environment and making the estate pay its way? That's the question.
Or questions.
( sigh of relief ) Where is the stupid thing! This is a beautiful place, but it's time that the ordinary folk got to enjoy it.
Excellent, Duncan, excellent.
Right.
Thanks very much.
Ta.
Well.
- Well? - How did it go? It was just great! Both: Aww the history of my family is intertwined with your family.
There have been MacKenzies here as long as there have been MacDonalds, and the service which I am proud to provide was given by my father before him, and his father before him and so on for five generations.
Of course, I understand that the times, they are a-changing.
You might look at me and think, good old Golly nice chap, good at his job, but you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Well, you'd be wrong.
I might not have some fancy degrees from some fancy university, but I do have something other folk don't.
Passion.
( barrel banging ) ( sizzling ) ( barking ) Fergal, this is Katrina Finlay.
- Hello.
Again.
- Hi.
You've already met? Well you could say that.
Fergal: Just a few days here tells you the glen has a quite staggering biodiversity.
I think what we have to achieve is a means of protecting and promoting it, while also increasing visitors and income.
But how would you do that? It's quite straightforward, really.
You just encourage the people to go where the diversity isn't, by means of tracks and signs throughout the estate.
Actually, I've just finished a project to achieve the same objectives.
Where was that? Botswana.
I've always wanted to go there.
Okavango Delta.
Oh, I loved it, you know.
I mean, not just the place, but the people too.
- It's brilliant.
- I can imagine.
Mm.
Yeah.
Sorry.
( panting ) Archie: Fergal, you've fantastic qualifications.
You've traveled and worked all over the world.
Why would you want to come to Glenbogle? I don't know.
Maybe it's time to settle down, put down some roots.
Great.
If you wouldn't mind waiting outside? - Sure.
- I smell a rat.
I don't believe all this flannel.
You're hiding something.
- Father, please! - no, it's all right, Archie.
Um when I was in Africa, my brother got ill, and I had to come back to help him.
They took one of my kidneys out, and stuck it in him.
Wow anyway, it's all worked out okay, but the doctors have asked me to hang around for a while, so ( clears throat ) I need a job.
Molly: I'm so sorry to disturb you, but the person concerned was insistent.
Hector, I've been asked to tell you that the horse has unseated its jockey at the canal turn.
I'm so sorry.
Where is it? I don't know.
I don't think that whiskey wants to be drunk! I told you- if you ask me, the bally thing has got a mind of its own! Oh, don't be so ridiculous! Yes! Oh, thanks, Lex.
So ready for the big decision, eh? Let me guess.
Hector'll go for Golly she'll go for Fergal so you'll hold the casting vote.
You need the tope, Arch.
Molly on radio: Kilwillie # Kilwillie # yes, Molly? Over.
Are you looking for these? Oh.
Molly, give them back, please! Come on now.
Be a good girl.
Molly, as you know, I am not a man of violence, but I must have those keys! Molly! First rule of management: Promote from within.
Disastrous for morale to do otherwise.
Yes, but who? Golly or Duncan? Golly, of course! I must confess Duncan surprised me.
I often cursed the boy, but he seems to have hidden depths.
But let's face it, he's far too young.
Katrina: Yeah, Duncan impressed me too, but he doesn't hold a candle to Fergal in terms of experience and expertise.
And what about Golly? Golly is a fantastic asset, but is he right for this job? Surely it's better to have them all working for you.
After all, Fergal has perfect qualifications.
I think we should grab him with both hands.
Most apt.
What? Well, you're sure you're not backing him because of his other qualifications? Hector: Right.
I go for Golly, she goes for Fergal.
It's up to you, Archie.
What are you gonna do? ( clock ticking ) Fergal, would you join us again, please? Golly, Duncan, I'd like to talk to you in a couple of minutes, if that's okay.
Laddie wait.
Duncan look, I'm sorry.
Stupid! That's our Duncan.
As if you'd ever give that kind of job to me.
- Listen- - stupid! But it doesn't mean I don't have dreams, you know.
Things I want to do with my life.
Duncan, how would you like to be Fergal's deputy? Archie: Look, I'm sorry.
I really thought Fergal was the best man for the job.
Obviously.
Not content with that, you gave him Duncan.
Golly, I want to say to you that there is no one around here more valuable to me than you- professionally and personally.
Actions speak louder than words, sir.
Archie, I'm just gonna show Katrina the otter hole I found.
All right.
Good.
See you later, Arch.
See ya.
You know thanks again.
I think I'm really gonna love it here.
I'm sure you will.
You'll do a great job.
Fergal: Katrina wait up.
So, have you ever seen an otter before? Oh, yes.
Well? Some might say you're the biggest fool in Scotland.
Not me.
What you did today took guts.
Integrity.
You've gone a long way up in my estimation.
If that's any comfort.
Thanks, Lex.
Come on.
( sighs ) What are you doing? We are just taking your whiskey for a walk, Archie.
Aren't we, Kilwillie? Kilwillie! I'm sorry, old man.
She cut me off at the pass.
Molly, you had no right! Kilwillie and I have made a little deal, haven't we? A deal? Kilwillie, I was once told that when you were a tubby little tyke at Eton, you used to cheat at conkers.
I didn't believe it, until now! The last Lagganmore Peculiar to come up for auction went for £600 a bottle! This cask will fill 20 bottles, and I will give you 15 grand, plus one bottle back.
What, for father? No.
For your firstborn, Archie.
My little stipulation.
Kilwillie: Archie, I've brought the check.
Excellent.
This should just cover Fergal's salary for the first year.
Hector: How marvelous.
Thank you.
Ha ha ha! Oh, what a day! I need a drink.
Molly: It's almost teatime.
No, no, mother, a proper drink.
A legendary drink.
A drink to ward off evil spirits and ungenerous thoughts and general unhappiness.
Ooh what a very good idea! Archie you don't mean what do you say, Kilwillie? Oh, why not? Come on.
Let's all get as squiffy as 40 Billy goats! A frabjous day at last! Kilwillie: Well magical moment.
To your firstborn, Archie.
And don't hang about.
The way things are going, I wouldn't hold your breath.
Slainte.
All: Slainte.
Mmm.
( all coughing ) It's gone off.
Tough luck, old man.
It's gone off! Ha ha ha! ( theme music playing )
Absolutely.
You know, Kilwillie, I have this strange feeling.
- Not ill, are you? - Sweating palms, palpitations, inability to concentrate, uncontrollable shaking.
Nothing out of the ordinary there then.
Absolutely not! Come on! Ahh my beauty.
My Lagganmore Peculiar, come home at last.
I've tried to take care of her for you.
I'm very grateful.
You'll get a reward, don't worry.
- Come on.
It's almost time.
- Is it safe? Molly's out in the real world, no sign of Archie at all.
( laughs ) ( bird calling ) - What was that? - What? What? Come on! ( liquid sloshing ) Gently! Gently.
Just think, when you set this wondrous malt aside to mature, all those years ago.
30 years ago to the day.
30 years.
When I was as debonair as Cary Grant, and my forehead was a mass of golden curls.
That was a very long time ago.
Don't forget.
Not a word about this to anyone, especially you-know-who.
Just hold it right there.
Don't even think about it! ( theme music playing ) Archie: so is there anything special about this Lagganmore Peculiar? You mean apart from being extremely valuab- nothing special at all! If that's the case, why are you being so shifty? - Ah, fair point.
- Will you be quiet? Anyone would think you'd drunk a pint of it already! Right.
I think I'm going to confiscate this, pending further inquiries.
You can't, it's mine! I'm head of the family! And I am the laird.
It's my responsibility to make the most of the estate's assets, whatever they are.
Is nothing sacred? You've flogged everything, including most of my wine! Finders keepers! Losers weepers! Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Whiskey's meant for drinking, damn it! I'm not gonna take this lying down, Kilwillie, oh, dear me, no.
Chocks away, chaps.
Have you seen this? Lexie: Don't tell me.
Queen Victoria has just bought a bungalow in a place called Balmoral? If we don't stop Archie doing this, you and me are finished, son.
But, Golly, we've known for ages that Archie was gonna hire another sad schmuck to work in here.
That was to run the visitor center.
This is something else.
"Head Ranger"? Head Ranger.
Seems to me that title carries certain implications.
Yeah, like he's gonna head well the ranges.
Those ranges are mine and have been for the last 20 years.
This is the end of the old order.
Maybe me with it.
Oh, Golly, don't be daft.
You'd better believe it, lass.
He's got to be stopped.
Well, as long as you don't expect any help from Albert Einstein there.
( mimicking machine gun ) Golly: Duncan! Do you not realise how serious this is? Our whole future's under threat here.
You're supposed to be a man, not a stupid boy! Now grow up! Act your age! Leave your names on your paintings, otherwise I've no idea whose they are.
Miss, miss - what are you doing here? - Sorry.
Is it a bad time? Uh no.
How've you been? Yeah, you know, all right.
Have you spoken to Justine yet? No.
Anyway, have you seen the advert for the new job? Uh-huh.
Would you give me a hand with the interviews? Yeah, sure.
Great.
I need someone to help me outvote my father, 'cause he's bound to want the wrong person.
I better go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why don't you come around later? We can talk about it.
And I'll even make you some supper.
Oh, that'd be great.
Yeah.
See you later.
Okay, I'll see you later.
( children wooing ) Aaaah! Whoo-hoo! Whoo- whoa, whoa, whoa! He's right, you know.
I'm no good to man nor beast.
Don't be daft, lad! You're great.
At what? Give me a few hours and I'll think of something.
I'm only joking.
You're good with beasts, with machines, and you're good with people too.
You're just good to have around, wee man.
Do you really think so? Yeah.
I mean you could really go places, as long as you believed in yourself.
How can I? Golly doesn't.
Well, show him.
And Archie.
Yeah, but how? ( knock on door ) Hang on! All right! Sorry, have you got a minute? Yes, sure.
Come in.
It's it's about this head ranger.
Listen, Golly, I want you to know whoever we appoint won't have anything to do with you.
Okay? Right.
I mean, you'll still be your own boss, in charge of the sporting side, and then the ranger will look after hikers, climbers, trails, things like that.
Mm-hmm.
You'll both be reporting to me separately.
Yes, yes.
Well, unless unless what? Unless I get the job myself.
You'll have my application by the end of the day.
Golly? Golly.
Archie.
Mother, I need your help.
Ah, Golly, a moment of your valuable time.
You've just been with Archie? Uh-huh.
Did you notice, um was there any sign of, uh that'll cost you.
What? Oh.
Very well.
Hector, behave yourself.
- I'm talking favors, right? - A gentleman's agreement? - Uh-huh.
- Splendid! Whatever you say.
Well? It's in his room.
Under the wee table.
It's locked.
( vacuum rattling ) Lex, would you post this for me, please? Sure.
How is she? I don't know.
It's just a few things she left behind.
Oh, and I won't be in for supper tonight either.
And whose table will you be plunking your feet under? I've got a few things to talk over with - with Katrina.
- oh, this week's model.
You don't waste much time.
Just what point is it you're trying to make? Oh, give me a break! You're hardly beyond one brokenhearted lassie, and you've got your philandering claws into the next.
- It is a perfectly innocent business meeting.
- Come on! If you're prepared to stomach that one's cooking, then it must be serious.
Lexie.
I hope it chokes you.
( whistling ) Oh, aye.
Who's away with my ax? Hi.
You look nice.
So do you.
- Come in.
- Yes.
Thank you.
( growling ) Ah, Hector, have you seen Golly? Oh, right.
( Katrina laughing ) There's still some tunabake, if you're still hungry.
No, no.
I'm fine, thanks.
It was it was very filling.
Is that your way of saying "no, thanks, it was really crap"? Let's get one thing straight- I'm completely useless in the kitchen.
Pretty sensational elsewhere in the house? Archie MacDonald! That is not the remark of a gentleman! Sorry.
Terrible thing to say.
Must be the- the drink talking.
You know, when you smile like that, sunny jim gives you a retching feeling in the pit of your stomach.
- We'd better stop.
- Why? 'Cause you're pouring chianti onto my lap.
Oh, sorry! All right.
Sorry.
I'll just go and clean up, okay? Sorry.
Molly: Come on, boys, come on.
Lovely evening, isn't it? Aye it is, Molly, it is.
Would you like a beer? Oh, no thanks.
It always makes me fart.
Can't have flatulence amongst the ruling classes, can we? That would never do.
- Must be my age.
- ( dog whines ) It is sad, isn't it, Golly, when one can't do the things one used to? I suppose it is.
Like? Well, I knew that Hector and I would be lost without Archie.
Such good judgment for one so young.
Och, well, he's had good training.
Much of it from you, Golly, we all know that.
And I know how he values your work as head ghillie.
Let's hope he finds someone half as good for this ranger thing.
Molly, now you've come to mention it- and then what a great team he'll have, eh? Maturity and experience on one hand, youthful drive and energy on the other.
Aye.
And we can't be good at everything, can we? No.
Oh, listen to me rabbitting on.
Well, I've enjoyed our little chat.
No problem.
Molly if Archie thinks I'm too old for this job, maybe he just better tell me himself.
Okay? Yeah.
There's still some of that wine left, if you want some.
No, I think maybe I've had enough.
I've got to drive home in a minute.
Right.
Look, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's no bother.
Don't worry.
No.
I meant oh, right.
Well, yeah, me too.
It's just that- I know.
Too soon.
It wouldn't be fair on her, would it? Or you.
Don't worry about me, Archie.
I can look after myself.
Right.
I'd better head off then.
- Thanks for supper.
It was great.
- No, it wasn't.
But thanks for saying so.
I'll see you at the interviews? Uh-huh.
Bye.
( door opens ) ( groans ) - Oh! - Ah ha! Caught you! You're not getting any of this whiskey, do you understand? Tomorrow I'm going to call Sotheby's.
- You can't! - and they're gonna sell it for loads of cash which I'm gonna plow into the estate, and you are not gonna drink a single drop, okay? Look, son I'm an old man.
Very few pleasures left.
Have a heart.
I don't have one.
So go away, and leave me and my barrel alone to sleep in peace.
Rotter! Whoa argh! It's just a thought, you know with all this stuff going on- oh, no.
You did right.
Thought we'd better check it out.
You've not put a foot wrong these past months.
Yeah? In fact, I think you're ready for a fresh challenge.
That's just what Lexie was saying.
Listen, I'm sorry if I spoke harsh words to you.
That was completely out of order.
Oh, no.
No bother, Golly.
I'm just glad you think I'm up to this new job.
Huh? What- hey, come here, come here.
What do you mean, new job? Huh? Well, you're- you're not suggesting- you're not suggesting you've applied for the ranger's job? You can't do that! - Can't I? - That's my job.
I'm talking about you taking over as the ghillie! Oh.
C'mon.
Morning.
Or is it afternoon? Have you got eyes on the top of your head? Who needs them? Heard you coming about 10 minutes ago.
If your eyes are as good as your ears, you'll know you're trespassing.
And you must know there's no such enforceable offense in Scottish law.
I'm sorry.
Shall we start again? I'm Fergal MacLure.
You must be- camping without permission, disturbing the wildlife, as well as posing a fire risk.
Duncan: Golly! Look! He's got a chopper! Same make and everything.
Don't tell me.
Is threatening behavior towards twigs another offense in your statute book, Golly? ( whistling ) Hector, there's no need to hang around.
I can do these by myself.
You got them round the wrong way last time.
The imperial set hang there, the royal set hang there.
And be careful, they're my pride and joy.
I'm watching you.
Oh, I've stopped all that silly nonsense.
Oh, Archie, I must talk to you about Golly.
Golly: Archie.
There's someone here for you to see.
- Who's that? - This guy that's been nicking all the stuff.
Him.
Fergal! How're you doing? How's it going, Archie? Listen, sorry about this.
Wait a minute.
You two know one another? Yeah.
Fergal's applied for the job.
He asked if he could spend a couple of days on the estate, look around, get to know the place better.
I see.
Yeah, Fergal, I'll catch up with you later.
Yeah, sure.
No problem.
I know, I'm sorry, I should have said something.
It's just that- you know- with all that's going on- better late than never.
Right.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I've an important phone call to make.
Archie! Oh! It's about tomorrow's interview.
Yeah? Well, I just wanted to make it clear that I'm definitely going ahead with my application.
You are? Archie, it's too good an opportunity to miss.
Uh, Golly Golly, have you- have you thought about this? I've thought about it very carefully, Archie.
And you're happy to go up against the likes of Fergal and Duncan? I know that there are some who think I'm just a wee bit too long in the tooth for it.
No.
I'm sure a sensible chap like you appreciates the value of experience.
Absolutely, yeah.
As well as the provisions of the equal opportunities act of 1992.
I'll see you in the morning.
( Archie mumbling ) Lexie: Hector! Where are you? I think you need your head examined.
If you know what I mean.
Hector? Hector.
Hector? Kilwillie's on the phone.
Wants to know if the fox has left his den yet, whatever that means.
Hector? Hector? That's right, Lagganmore Peculiar.
In a sealed cask.
Well, I was wondering if you might be able to auction it for me.
Good.
How much? Really? That's amazing! Hang on, I'll just check the thing.
Father! Father! Where are you? I know you're here somewhere! Father.
( whistling ) Archie: Where is it? - What? - The barrel.
- What barrel? - You know what barrel.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- You took it.
- I didn't.
There's no point denying it.
I did not! All right, if I've got it, where is it now then? Ah ha! Another conspirator, eh? So, you agreed to be the getaway in the heist, in return for my father's vote at tomorrow's interviews.
Eh? I'm surprised at you, Duncan.
Surprised and disappointed.
No, no, listen, boss, I can explain! It was on the lift when it came down.
I was just trying to help! What is it, Badger? Oh.
Hector: Kilwillie? Hello? - Kilwillie! - Yes! Ah.
The fox has gone to earth, having dug himself a rather deeper den.
Plan B, I think.
I understand.
Into the starting gate first thing tomorrow.
Roger wilco.
Over and out.
Over and out.
Thank you, Badger.
Hi.
Sorry, I hope I didn't startle you.
Having a nice paddle? Well, you're not gonna believe this, but I'm actually looking for freshwater crayfish.
That's a new one.
You should try further down.
I had my school kids looking for them last week.
There's a dipper there, too.
A bird? Lovely wee thing.
Yeah, but better insulated than homo sapiens.
I'm freezing.
Do you mind? I'm sorry? Well it's just that I'm not oh! Sorry.
Why should I? I mean it is a free country.
Ah, please.
What would you do if I didn't? ( splashing ) Okay! I get your point! Kilwillie: But how am I supposed to get up there? Hector: Use your imagination.
Get a ladder! - I'll get vertigo.
- don't be ridiculous! Pull yourself together! Whoa! Hector Kilwillie, excuse us a second.
It's time, Hector.
Time? Time for what? What do you know? Time for you to repay that wee favor you owe me.
What? Ah.
Yes.
I think you know what to do, which way your conscience lies.
Quite.
Kilwillie.
What was all that about? Mind your own business! Now, where were we? Mission impossible.
Ahhh! Lexie! Shush.
And this.
You are wearing a suit today, and that is that! Do you mind? Now, when you go in, shake them by the hand.
Wish them a good day.
Establish some authority.
And when you talk, don't look at your shoes, but at them.
Maintain eye contact at all times.
There.
What do we think about that then? Oh, Duncan, you look like a porn star from the 1970's.
I think we might need your help, Molly.
When you've got it, don't let it out of your sight.
Have you got everything? Map of the house.
Walkie-talkie.
Rope.
Swiss Army penknife.
Jacknight.
Jacknight? Sorry.
I made that bit up.
Hiya.
Good morning, Archie.
( dogs barking ) Hector: Down, boys, come on.
Archie: McKnight, come this way, please.
Straight through.
Father.
What are you two doing? Well? Definitely not.
Eyes too close together, I think.
Testing, testing! All toys confiscated for the duration of the interview.
You can't, it's mine! Give that to me! Mother.
You had no right to take that- uh Molly, if Kilwillie should happen to make contact- father, please.
All right.
Thank you.
( radio static ) ( rattling ) Archie: Sorry to have kept you waiting.
We're running a little behind.
If you'd like to come through.
Hmm another woman in the house.
I'm not that stupid, Molly.
Molly: Oh, Hector, Peter O'Sullivan asked me to tell you that red rum has crossed the milling road.
Molly, I've just jumped beaches.
First time round.
Over and out.
Very good.
Over.
Duncan.
We're ready.
- Aww.
- Aww.
Duncan, you're a vision in tweed.
Good luck, son.
Remember, walk tall, and may the best man win.
Thanks very much, Golly.
I appreciate that.
Knock 'em dead, sweetheart.
And remember, whatever happens, I'm proud of you.
Molly, any news? ( grunting ) ( sighs ) Duncan, that tie I didn't know you were a member of the old naval military.
Archie: It's one of yours, father.
Oh.
Archie: Right, Duncan.
Perhaps you can tell us why you think you're the right candidate for this job.
I've learned a lot and now I'm ready to take on more responsibilities.
Oh, for god's sake, life's too short.
How do we preserve the balance between providing access to all preserving the environment and making the estate pay its way? That's the question.
Or questions.
( sigh of relief ) Where is the stupid thing! This is a beautiful place, but it's time that the ordinary folk got to enjoy it.
Excellent, Duncan, excellent.
Right.
Thanks very much.
Ta.
Well.
- Well? - How did it go? It was just great! Both: Aww the history of my family is intertwined with your family.
There have been MacKenzies here as long as there have been MacDonalds, and the service which I am proud to provide was given by my father before him, and his father before him and so on for five generations.
Of course, I understand that the times, they are a-changing.
You might look at me and think, good old Golly nice chap, good at his job, but you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Well, you'd be wrong.
I might not have some fancy degrees from some fancy university, but I do have something other folk don't.
Passion.
( barrel banging ) ( sizzling ) ( barking ) Fergal, this is Katrina Finlay.
- Hello.
Again.
- Hi.
You've already met? Well you could say that.
Fergal: Just a few days here tells you the glen has a quite staggering biodiversity.
I think what we have to achieve is a means of protecting and promoting it, while also increasing visitors and income.
But how would you do that? It's quite straightforward, really.
You just encourage the people to go where the diversity isn't, by means of tracks and signs throughout the estate.
Actually, I've just finished a project to achieve the same objectives.
Where was that? Botswana.
I've always wanted to go there.
Okavango Delta.
Oh, I loved it, you know.
I mean, not just the place, but the people too.
- It's brilliant.
- I can imagine.
Mm.
Yeah.
Sorry.
( panting ) Archie: Fergal, you've fantastic qualifications.
You've traveled and worked all over the world.
Why would you want to come to Glenbogle? I don't know.
Maybe it's time to settle down, put down some roots.
Great.
If you wouldn't mind waiting outside? - Sure.
- I smell a rat.
I don't believe all this flannel.
You're hiding something.
- Father, please! - no, it's all right, Archie.
Um when I was in Africa, my brother got ill, and I had to come back to help him.
They took one of my kidneys out, and stuck it in him.
Wow anyway, it's all worked out okay, but the doctors have asked me to hang around for a while, so ( clears throat ) I need a job.
Molly: I'm so sorry to disturb you, but the person concerned was insistent.
Hector, I've been asked to tell you that the horse has unseated its jockey at the canal turn.
I'm so sorry.
Where is it? I don't know.
I don't think that whiskey wants to be drunk! I told you- if you ask me, the bally thing has got a mind of its own! Oh, don't be so ridiculous! Yes! Oh, thanks, Lex.
So ready for the big decision, eh? Let me guess.
Hector'll go for Golly she'll go for Fergal so you'll hold the casting vote.
You need the tope, Arch.
Molly on radio: Kilwillie # Kilwillie # yes, Molly? Over.
Are you looking for these? Oh.
Molly, give them back, please! Come on now.
Be a good girl.
Molly, as you know, I am not a man of violence, but I must have those keys! Molly! First rule of management: Promote from within.
Disastrous for morale to do otherwise.
Yes, but who? Golly or Duncan? Golly, of course! I must confess Duncan surprised me.
I often cursed the boy, but he seems to have hidden depths.
But let's face it, he's far too young.
Katrina: Yeah, Duncan impressed me too, but he doesn't hold a candle to Fergal in terms of experience and expertise.
And what about Golly? Golly is a fantastic asset, but is he right for this job? Surely it's better to have them all working for you.
After all, Fergal has perfect qualifications.
I think we should grab him with both hands.
Most apt.
What? Well, you're sure you're not backing him because of his other qualifications? Hector: Right.
I go for Golly, she goes for Fergal.
It's up to you, Archie.
What are you gonna do? ( clock ticking ) Fergal, would you join us again, please? Golly, Duncan, I'd like to talk to you in a couple of minutes, if that's okay.
Laddie wait.
Duncan look, I'm sorry.
Stupid! That's our Duncan.
As if you'd ever give that kind of job to me.
- Listen- - stupid! But it doesn't mean I don't have dreams, you know.
Things I want to do with my life.
Duncan, how would you like to be Fergal's deputy? Archie: Look, I'm sorry.
I really thought Fergal was the best man for the job.
Obviously.
Not content with that, you gave him Duncan.
Golly, I want to say to you that there is no one around here more valuable to me than you- professionally and personally.
Actions speak louder than words, sir.
Archie, I'm just gonna show Katrina the otter hole I found.
All right.
Good.
See you later, Arch.
See ya.
You know thanks again.
I think I'm really gonna love it here.
I'm sure you will.
You'll do a great job.
Fergal: Katrina wait up.
So, have you ever seen an otter before? Oh, yes.
Well? Some might say you're the biggest fool in Scotland.
Not me.
What you did today took guts.
Integrity.
You've gone a long way up in my estimation.
If that's any comfort.
Thanks, Lex.
Come on.
( sighs ) What are you doing? We are just taking your whiskey for a walk, Archie.
Aren't we, Kilwillie? Kilwillie! I'm sorry, old man.
She cut me off at the pass.
Molly, you had no right! Kilwillie and I have made a little deal, haven't we? A deal? Kilwillie, I was once told that when you were a tubby little tyke at Eton, you used to cheat at conkers.
I didn't believe it, until now! The last Lagganmore Peculiar to come up for auction went for £600 a bottle! This cask will fill 20 bottles, and I will give you 15 grand, plus one bottle back.
What, for father? No.
For your firstborn, Archie.
My little stipulation.
Kilwillie: Archie, I've brought the check.
Excellent.
This should just cover Fergal's salary for the first year.
Hector: How marvelous.
Thank you.
Ha ha ha! Oh, what a day! I need a drink.
Molly: It's almost teatime.
No, no, mother, a proper drink.
A legendary drink.
A drink to ward off evil spirits and ungenerous thoughts and general unhappiness.
Ooh what a very good idea! Archie you don't mean what do you say, Kilwillie? Oh, why not? Come on.
Let's all get as squiffy as 40 Billy goats! A frabjous day at last! Kilwillie: Well magical moment.
To your firstborn, Archie.
And don't hang about.
The way things are going, I wouldn't hold your breath.
Slainte.
All: Slainte.
Mmm.
( all coughing ) It's gone off.
Tough luck, old man.
It's gone off! Ha ha ha! ( theme music playing )