Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s02e02 Episode Script
The Spanish Inquisition
(rhythmic stomping, whooshing) (stomping, whooshing continue) (scattered audience laughter) (audience laughter) (motor chugging) (motor humming) (thud) (laughter) AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with squish) (knock at door) COME IN.
TROUBLE AT MILL.
OH, NO WHA SORT OF TROUBLE? ONE ON'T CROSSBEAMS GONE OWT ASKEW ON TREDDLE.
PARDON? ONE ON'T CROSSBEAMS GONE OW ASKEW ON TREDDLE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
ONE OF THE CROSSBEAMS HAS GONE OUT OF SKEW ON THE TREDDLE.
BUT WHAT ON EARTH DOES THAT MEAN? I DON'T KNOW.
MR.
WENTWORTH JUST TOLD ME TO COME IN HERE AND SAY THERE WAS TROUBLE AT THE MILL, THAT'S ALL.
I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION.
(jarring chord plays) NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
OUR CHIEF WEAPON IS SURPRISE.
SURPRISE AND FEAR, FEAR AND SURPRISE.
OUR TWO WEAPONS ARE FEAR AND SURPRISE AND RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY.
OUR THREE WEAPONS ARE FEAR AND SURPRISE AND RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY AND AN ALMOST FANATICAL DEVOTION TO THE POPE.
OUR FOUR NO AMONGST OUR WEAPONS AMONGST OUR WEAPONRY ARE SUCH ELEMENTS AS FEAR I'LL COME IN AGAIN.
(laughter) (door shuts) I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION.
(jarring chord plays) NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! AMONGST OUR WEAPONRY ARE SUCH DIVERSE ELEMENTS AS FEAR SURPRISE, RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY AN ALMOST FANATICAL DEVOTION TO THE POPE AND NICE RED UNIFORM OH, DAMN! I I CAN'T SAY IT.
YOU'LL HAVE TO SAY IT.
WHAT? YOU'LL HAVE TO SAY THE BI ABOUT "OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE" I COULDN' DO THAT.
I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION.
(jarring chord plays) UH UH NOBODY UM (between teeth): EXPECTS.
EXPECTS.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE, UM SPANISH (between teeth): INQUISITION.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
IN FACT, THOSE WHO DO EXPECT (between teeth): OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE UM SURPRISE.
SURPRISE.
GOOD, STOP, STOP STOP THERE.
WHEW! OUR CHIEF WEAPON IS SURPRISE.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
CARDINAL, READ THE CHARGES.
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED THAT YOU DID ON DIVERSE DATES COMMIT HERESY AGAINS THE HOLY CHURCH.
MY OLD MAN SAID THAT'S ENOUGH.
NOW HOW DO YOU PLEAD? WE'RE INNOCENT.
HA! WE'LL SOON CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT THAT! (laughter) FEAR, SURPRISE AND A MOST RUTHLESS OOH! NOW CARDINAL THE RACK! (laughter) YOU RIGHT.
TIE HER DOWN.
(laughing diabolically) RIGHT.
HOW DO YOU PLEAD? INNOCENT.
HA! RIGHT! CARDINAL GIVE THE RACK OH, DEAR.
GIVE THE RACK A TURN.
I I KNOW I KNOW YOU CAN'T.
I DIDN'T WAN TO SAY ANYTHING.
I JUST WANTED TO TRY AND IGNORE YOUR CRASS MISTAKE.
MAKES IT ALL SEEM SO STUPID.
SHALL I OH, GOD, JUST PRETEND, FOR GOD'S SAKE! (laughing diabolically) (laughter) (doorbell rings) AH, HELLO, YOU DON'T KNOW ME BUT I'M FROM THE B.
B.
C.
WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU'D COME AND ANSWER THE DOOR IN A SKETCH OVER THERE IN THAT SOR OF DIRECTION.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING JUST OPEN THE DOOR AND THAT'S IT.
OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT, YES.
JOLLY GOOD, COME THIS WAY.
FINE.
YES, WE'RE ON FILM AT THE MOMENT, YOU SEE? IT'S A LINK, IS IT? YES, THAT'S RIGHT, THAT SORT OF THING.
YES, A LINK.
IT'S ALL A BI ZANY, YOU KNOW A BIT MADCAP FUNSTER.
FRANKLY, I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF.
THE KIDS SEEM TO LIKE IT.
I MUCH PREFER DES O'CONNOR, OF COURSE ROLF HARRIS, TOM JONES, YOU KNOW.
(continues making small talk) (motor starts) (laughter) YOU DO A LOT OF THIS SORT OF THING, DO YOU? QUITE A LOT, YES, QUITE A LOT.
I'M MAINLY IN COMEDY.
I'D LIKE TO BE IN PROGRAM PLANNING, ACTUALLY, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, I'VE GOT A DEGREE.
(laughter) (doorbell rings) JOKE, SIR? GUARANTEED AMUSING.
AS USED BY THE CROWNED HEADS OF EUROPE.
HAS BROUGHT TEARS TO THE EYES OF ROYALTY.
"DENMARK HAS NEVER LAUGHED SO MUCH" "THE STAGE.
" NICE LITTLE NOVELTY NUMBER, A "NAUGHTY HUMPHREY.
" BREAKS THE ICE AT PARTIES.
PUT IT ON THE TABLE, PRESS THE BUTTON IT VOMITS.
(laughter) ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED, WITH REFILLS.
"BLACK SOAP.
" LEAVE IT IN THE BATHROOM THEY WASH THEIR HANDS, REAL FUNGUS GROWS ON THE FINGERS.
CAN'T GET IT OFF FOR HOURS.
GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT PARTIES.
FRIGHTEN THE ELDERLY REAL SNAKES.
COMEDY HERNIA KIT.
PLASTIC FLESH WOUNDS.
JUST KEEP YOUR FRIENDS IN STITCHES.
GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT PARTIES.
HOURS OF FUN WITH "HONEYMOON DELIGHT.
" EMPTY INTO THEIR BEDS REAL SKUNK JUICE.
THEY WON'T FORGE THEIR WEDDING NIGHT.
STICKS TO THE SKIN.
ABSOLUTELY WATERPROOF.
GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT PARTIES.
AMUSE YOUR FRIENDS.
C.
S.
GAS CANISTERS SMELLS, TASTES AND ACTS JUST LIKE THE REAL THING; CAN BLIND, MAIM OR KILL.
OR FOR DRINKS, WHY NO BUY A "WICKED WILLY" WITH A LIFE-SIZE WINKLE? SERVES WARM BEER.
MAKES REAL COCKTAILS.
HOURS OF AMUSEMENT.
OR GET THE NEW POOH-POOH MACHINE.
EMBARRASS YOUR GUESTS COMPLETELY AUTHENTIC SOUND.
OR WHY NOT TRY A NEW "NAUGHTY NIGHTIE"? PUT IT ON AND IT MELTS.
JUST WATCH THEIR FACES.
GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT NAUGHTY PARTIES.
GO ON, GO ON.
WHAT? DO THE PUNCH LINE.
WHAT PUNCH LINE? THE PUNCH LINE FOR THIS BIT.
I DON'T KNOW IT.
THEY DIDN' SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A PUNCH LINE.
OH! OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE I'LL BE SAYING GOOD-BYE THEN, SIR.
GOOD-BYE THEN, SIR.
(scattered laughter) (muttering as truck idles) WHAT'S THE PUNCH LINE? PUNCH LINE? I DON'T THINK THERE'S A PUNCH LINE SCHEDULED IS THERE? WHERE ARE WE? UH WEEK 39.
4 NO, IT'S FRIDAY, ISN'T IT? 39.
7 UH HERE WE ARE.
OH! (laughing) VERY GOOD.
(laughing) VERY GOOD.
WHAT A GOOD PUNCH LINE.
PITY WE MISSED THAT.
STILL, NEVER MIND.
WE CAN ALWAYS DO IT AGAIN.
MAKE A SERIES OUT OF IT.
NOW, IF YOU WOULD JUST SIGN THERE I'LL PUT THIS THROUGH TO OUR CONTRACTS DEPARTMEN AND YOU SHOULD BE HEARING FROM THEM IN A YEAR OR TWO.
CAN YOU GIVE ME A LIFT BACK? AH, CAN DO BUT WON'T.
WE WERE WONDERING IF WE COULD POSSIBLY BORROW YOUR HEAD FOR A PIECE OF ANIMATION.
WHAT? OH, JOLLY GOOD.
THANKS VERY, VERY MUCH.
(yells) YOU WILL GET EXPENSES.
(yelling) (sawing) (muffled screaming) (motor putt-putting) (ratcheting) (motor putt-putting) (whispering) Man: SERGEANT, SOMEHOW WE'VE GOT TO GE IN THERE AND GET IT.
Sergeant: I KNOW, SIR, BU IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT.
Man: YOU'LL NEED SOME SORT OF DIVERSION.
Sergeant: YES, SIR, BUT WHAT? WELL, WE COULD NO, NO, IT'S GOT TO BE NO, NOT RIGHT! WAIT! I'VE GOT IT! (cancan music playing) (suction breaking) WELL DONE, SOLDIER.
LOAD AND FIRE.
YES, SIR.
FIRE! (man yells) READY, AIM, FIRE! WE ARE NOT AMUSED.
(laughter) (horn toots) (horn toots) Man: HM HMM HMMM (man expressing increasing surprise) (man clearing throat) (clears throat again) GENTLEMEN OUR M.
P.
SAW THE P.
M.
THIS A.
M.
AND THE P.
M.
WANTS MORE L.
S.
D.
FROM THE P.
I.
B.
BY TOMORROW A.
M.
OR P.
M.
AT THE LATEST.
I TOLD THE P.
M.
'S P.
P.
S.
THAT A.
M.
WAS N.
B.
G.
SO TOMORROW P.
M.
IT IS FOR THE P.
M.
NEM.
CON.
GIVE US A FAG OR I'LL GO SPARE.
NOW THE FISCAL DEFICIT WITH REGARD TO THE MONETARY BALANCE THE CURRENT FINANCIAL YEAR, EXCLUDING INVISIBLE EXPORTS BUT ADJUSTED OF COURSE FOR SEASONAL VARIATIONS AND THE INCREMENTAL STATISTICS OF THE FISCAL AND REVENUE ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FORTHCOMING ANNUAL BUDGETARY PERIOD TERMINATING IN APRIL.
I THINK HE'S TALKING ABOUT TAXATION.
BRAVO, MADGE.
WELL DONE.
TAXATION IS INDEED THE VERY NUB OF MY GIST.
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING NEW TO TAX.
I UNDERSTOOD THAT.
IF I MIGHT PUT MY HEAD ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK SO YOU CAN KICK I AROUND A BIT, SIR MM-HMM.
WELL, MOS THINGS WE DO FOR PLEASURE NOWADAYS ARE TAXED EXCEPT ONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, SMOKING'S BEEN TAXED DRINKING'S BEEN TAXED BUT NOT UH THINGY.
(laughter) GOOD LORD.
YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING WE SHOULD TAX THINGY.
POO POOS? NO! THANK GOD FOR THAT.
EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.
(laughter) NO, NO, NO, THINGY! NUMBER ONES? NO THINGY! THINGY! OH! THINGY! WELL, IT'D CERTAINLY MAKE CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY A MUCH MORE INTERESTING JOB.
I WOULD PUT A TAX ON ALL PEOPLE WHO STAND IN WATER.
OH! (laughter) TO BOOST THE BRITISH ECONOMY I'D TAX ALL FOREIGNERS LIVING ABROAD.
(laughter) I WOULD TAX THE NUDE IN MY BED.
NO, NOT TAX WHAT IS THE WORD? (laughter) WELCOME.
I WOULD TAX RAQUEL WELCH AND I'VE A FEELING SHE'D TAX ME.
I WOULD BRING BACK HANGING AND GO INTO ROPE.
I WOULD CUT OFF THE MORE DISREPUTABLE PARTS OF THE BODY AND USE THE SPACE FOR PLAYING FIELDS.
I WOULD TAX HOLIDAY SNAPS.
(camera shutter clicks) THIS IS UNCLE TED IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE.
THIS IS UNCLE TED AT THE BACK OF THE HOUSE.
THIS IS UNCLE TED AT THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE.
THIS IS UNCLE TED BACK AGAIN AT THE FRON OF THE HOUSE BUT YOU CAN SEE THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE.
AND THIS IS UNCLE TED EVEN NEARER THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE BUT YOU CAN STILL SEE THE FRONT.
THIS IS THE BACK OF THE HOUSE WITH UNCLE TED COMING ROUND THE SIDE TO THE FRONT.
AND THIS IS THE SPANISH INQUISITION HIDING BEHIND THE COAL SHED.
OH, I DIDN'T EXPEC THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
(jarring chord plays) NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! (dramatic music plays) (chuckling diabolically) (laughter) HA! NOW, OLD WOMAN, YOU ARE ACCUSED OF HERESY ON THREE COUNTS: HERESY BY THOUGHT, HERESY BY WORD HERESY BY DEED AND HERESY BY ACTION.
FOUR COUNTS.
(laughter) DO YOU CONFESS? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M ACCUSED OF.
HA! HA! HA! THEN WE SHALL MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND! BIGGLES (laughter) FETCH THE CUSHIONS! (jarring chord plays) HERE THEY ARE, LORD.
NOW, OLD LADY, YOU HAVE ONE LAST CHANCE.
CONFESS TO THE HEINOUS SIN OF HERESY REJEC THE WORKS OF THE TWO LAST CHANCES AND YOU SHALL BE FREE.
THREE LAST CHANCES YOU HAVE THREE LAST CHANCES THE NATURE OF WHICH I HAVE DIVULGED IN MY PREVIOUS UTTERANCE.
I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
RIGHT! IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT! CARDINAL POKE HER WITH THE SOFT CUSHIONS! CONFESS! CONFESS! CONFESS! IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE HURTING HER, MY LORD.
HAVE YOU GOT ALL THE STUFFING UP ONE END? YES, LORD.
HMM, SHE IS MADE OF HARDER STUFF.
CARDINAL FANG FETCH THE COMFY CHAIR.
(jarring chord plays) THE COMFY CHAIR? YES.
(inquisitors laughing diabolically) SO, YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG BECAUSE YOU CAN SURVIVE THE SOFT CUSHIONS! WELL, WE SHALL SEE! BIGGLES, PUT HER IN THE COMFY CHAIR! NOW YOU WILL STAY IN THE COMFY CHAIR UNTIL LUNCH TIME WITH ONLY A CUP OF COFFEE AT 11:00.
IS THAT REALLY ALL IT IS? YES, LORD.
I SEE.
I SUPPOSE WE MAKE IT WORSE BY SHOUTING A LOT, DO WE? (laughter) (softly): CONFESS, WOMAN.
(louder): CONFESS! (still louder): CONFESS! (shouting): CONFESS! CONFESS! I CONFESS! NOT YOU! I CONFESS.
WHO WAS THAT? I CONFESS.
(buzzer) ("God Save the Queen" playing) I CONFESS.
(buzzer) ("God Save the Queen" playing) I CONFESS.
(buzzer) I CONFESS.
I CONFESS.
I CONFESS.
I CONFESS.
WELL, MADAM, I'M GLAD YOU'VE COME TO SEE ME.
AS A DOCTOR, I SHALL BE TRYING TO HELP YOU AND DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO ASSIST YOU IN ANY WAY I CAN.
OF COURSE, ANY (laughter) VERY HIGH STATE (laughter) COULD YOU REPEAT THAT? I'M A BIT DEAF.
NOW, THE B.
M.
A.
THE BRITISH MEDICAL ASSOCIATION LOUDER, PLEASE, I STILL CAN'T HEAR! I CONFESS! SPEAK UP, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! (all talking at once) Man (with American accent): NOW, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME ON THE SILVER SCREEN COMES THE FILM FROM TWO BOOKS THAT ONCE SHOCKED A GENERATION.
FROM EMILY BRONTE'S WUTHERING HEIGHTS AND FROM THE INTERNATIONAL GUIDE TO SEMAPHORE CODE 20th CENTURY VOLE PRESENTS THE SEMAPHORE VERSION OF WUTHERING HEIGHTS.
(laughter) (dramatic music playing) (laughter) (laughter) Man (with American accent): FROM THE PULSATING PAGES OF HISTORY FROM THE DARK AND FURIOUS DAYS OF IMPERIAL ROME WE BRING YOU A STORY THAT SHATTERED THE WORLD A TALE SO GRIPPING THAT THEY SAID IT COULD NOT BE FILMED A UNIQUE EVEN IN CINEMA HISTORY: JULIUS CAESAR ON AN ALDIS LAMP.
(laughter) (laughter) (laughter) FROM THE MAKERS OF GUNFIGH AT O.
K.
CORRAL IN MORSE CODE (laughter) AND THE SMOKE-SIGNAL VERSION OF GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES.
(laughter) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY HAVE YOU REACHED A VERDICT? WE HAVE, MY LORD.
AND HOW DO YOU FIND THE DEFENDANT? (laughter) TWO WORDS? FIRST WORD.
(laughter) ROPE, STRING POINT.
BELT.
TIE.
CRAVAT.
SILK SQUARE.
KNOT.
(courtroom applauds) SECOND WORD.
TWO SYLLABLES.
FIRST SYLLABLE.
(laughter) BIRD? SWIMMER.
BREASTSTROKE.
BRIAN PHELPS.
NO, NO, NO, HE WAS A DIVER! ESTHER WILLIAMS, THEN.
NO, NO, DON'T BE SILLY! HOW CAN YOU FIND SOMEONE "NOT ESTHER WILLIAMS"? FISH! FISH (gasping) WHEEZE FISH WHEEZE FISH BREATHE.
FISH BREATHE THROAT.
FISH BREATHE THROAT GILL! (applause) KNOT GILL SECOND SYLLABLE.
KNOT GILL DRINK.
SIP IMBIBE.
KNOT GILL CUP! KNOT GILLCUP! (laughter) YOU'VE BEEN FOUND KNOT GILLCUP OF THE CHARGES BROUGHT AGAINST YOU AND YOU MAY LEAVE THIS COURT A FREE MAN.
RIGHT, MY TURN.
FOUR WORDS.
FIRST WORD, SHOUT! BELLOW! CALL.
(applause) SECOND WORD IS VERY SMALL.
UM, "A.
" AN? UP.
THE.
(applause) CALL THE.
THIRD WORD.
GILL? FISH! ADAM'S APPLE! NECK! SOUNDS LIKE NECK! NEXT! CALL THE NEXT! (applause) FOURTH WORD, THREE SYLLABLES.
FIRST SYLLABLE.
EAR.
HEAR, CAN'T HEAR.
DEAF.
DEAF! CALL THE NEXT DEAF.
BOTTOM? SEAT.
TROUSER.
CHEEK.
END! CALL THE NEXT DEAF-END.
All: ANT! CALL THE NEX DEFENDANT! CALL THE NEXT DEFENDAN THE HONORABLE MR.
JUSTICE KILBRAKEN.
IF I MAY CHARGE YOU, MY LORD YOU ARE CHARGED, MY LORD THAT ON THE 14th DAY OF JUNE, 1970 AT THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL COUR YOU DID COMMIT ACTS LIKELY TO CAUSE A BREACH OF THE PEACE.
HOW PLEAD YOU, MY LORD, GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY? NOT GUILTY.
CASE NOT PROVEN, COURT ADJOURNED.
(laughter) Judge: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! NO, NO, NO! NO, YOU'RE IN THE DOCK, MY LORD.
I AM A JUDGE, MY LORD.
SO AM I, MY LORD, SO WATCH IT.
CALL THIS A COURT! CALL THIS A COURT! CALL THIS A COURT! CALL THIS A COURT! SHUT UP! RIGHT, NOW GET ON WITH THE SPIEL.
MY LORD, AND MY OTHER LORD THE PROSECUTION WILL ENDEAVOR TO SHOW, MY LORD, THAT MY LORD NOT YOU, MY LORD, THAT MY LORD, MY LORD WHILE PASSING SENTENCE AT THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL COUR BLOTTED HIS COPY BOOK.
CALL EXHIBIT "Q.
" "Q"? SORRY, DID I SAY "Q"? I MEANT "A.
" CALL EXHIBIT "A.
" CALL EXHIBIT "A"! EXHIBIT "A," MY LORD, MISS RITA THANG AN ARTIST'S MODEL, SWEDISH ACCORDION TEACHER AND CANE CHAIR SALESLADY WAS FOUND GUILTY UNDER THE RUDE BEHAVIOR AC IN THE ACCUSED'S COURT.
THE ACCUSED, MY LORD, SENTENCED HER "TO BE TAKEN FROM THIS PLACE AND BROUGHT ROUND TO HIS PLACE.
" (laughter) OBJECTION, MY LORD! OBJECTION SUSTAINED.
YOU SHUT UP! OBJECTION OVERRULED.
THE ACCUSED THEN COMMENTED ON MISS THANG'S BODILY STRUCTURE MADE SEVERAL NOT-AT-ALL LEGAL REMARKS ON THE SUBJECT OF FUN AND THEN PLACED HIS ROBES OVER HIS HEAD AND BEGAN TO EMIT LOW MOANS.
HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY IN YOUR DEFENSE? WELL, I HAVEN' HAD ANY FOR WEEKS.
OH, NO? WHAT ABOU THAT LITTLE NUMBER YOU'VE GOT TUCKED AWAY IN BELSIZE PARK? OH, I NEVER! OH, NO! ALL RIGHT, THEN, WHAT ABOUT 8-A WOODFORD SQUARE? YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THA AND I'LL DO YOU FOR TREASON.
UH, MY LORD, IF WE COULD CONTINUE.
HE'S GO A CHINESE BIT THERE.
NO, THAT'S CONTEMPT OF COURT! OH, IT'S ONLY A JOKE! CONTEMP OF COURT! HOWEVER, I'M NO GOING TO PUNISH YOU BECAUSE WE'RE SO SHOR OF JUDGES AT THE MOMEN WHAT WITH ALL OF THEM EMIGRATING TO SOUTH AFRICA.
I'M GOING TOMORROW, I'VE GOT MY TICKET.
GET OUT THERE AND GE SOME DECENT SENTENCING DONE.
OH, ENGLAND MAKES YOU SICK.
BEST I CAN MANAGE HERE IS LIFE IMPRISONMENT.
HARDLY WORTH COMING IN IN THE MORNING.
NOW, SOUTH AFRICA YOU'VE GOT YOUR CAT-O-NINE TAILS YOU'VE GOT FOUR DEATH SENTENCES A WEEK YOU'VE GOT CHEAP DRINKS, SLAVE LABOR AND A BOOMING STOCK MARKET.
I'M OFF, I TELL YOU.
YES, I'M UP TO HERE WITH PROBATION AND BLEEDING PSYCHIATRIC REPORTS.
THAT'S IT, I'M OFF.
THAT'S IT.
RIGHT, WELL, I'M GOING TO HAVE ONE FINAL FLING BEFORE I LEAVE SO I SENTENCE YOU TO BE BURNT AT THE STAKE.
BLIMEY, I DIDN'T EXPEC THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
(laughter) (dramatic music plays) TWO UH, THREE TO THE OLD BAILEY, PLEASE.
LOOK, THEY'VE STARTED THE CREDITS! HURRY, HURRY, HURRY! COME ON, HURRY! THERE'S THE LIGHTING CREDIT! ONLY FIVE LEFT! HELL, IT'S THE PRODUCER, QUICK! NOBODY EXPECTS THE OH, BUGGER! (laughter and applause)
IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with squish) (knock at door) COME IN.
TROUBLE AT MILL.
OH, NO WHA SORT OF TROUBLE? ONE ON'T CROSSBEAMS GONE OWT ASKEW ON TREDDLE.
PARDON? ONE ON'T CROSSBEAMS GONE OW ASKEW ON TREDDLE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
ONE OF THE CROSSBEAMS HAS GONE OUT OF SKEW ON THE TREDDLE.
BUT WHAT ON EARTH DOES THAT MEAN? I DON'T KNOW.
MR.
WENTWORTH JUST TOLD ME TO COME IN HERE AND SAY THERE WAS TROUBLE AT THE MILL, THAT'S ALL.
I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION.
(jarring chord plays) NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
OUR CHIEF WEAPON IS SURPRISE.
SURPRISE AND FEAR, FEAR AND SURPRISE.
OUR TWO WEAPONS ARE FEAR AND SURPRISE AND RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY.
OUR THREE WEAPONS ARE FEAR AND SURPRISE AND RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY AND AN ALMOST FANATICAL DEVOTION TO THE POPE.
OUR FOUR NO AMONGST OUR WEAPONS AMONGST OUR WEAPONRY ARE SUCH ELEMENTS AS FEAR I'LL COME IN AGAIN.
(laughter) (door shuts) I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION.
(jarring chord plays) NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! AMONGST OUR WEAPONRY ARE SUCH DIVERSE ELEMENTS AS FEAR SURPRISE, RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY AN ALMOST FANATICAL DEVOTION TO THE POPE AND NICE RED UNIFORM OH, DAMN! I I CAN'T SAY IT.
YOU'LL HAVE TO SAY IT.
WHAT? YOU'LL HAVE TO SAY THE BI ABOUT "OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE" I COULDN' DO THAT.
I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION.
(jarring chord plays) UH UH NOBODY UM (between teeth): EXPECTS.
EXPECTS.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE, UM SPANISH (between teeth): INQUISITION.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
IN FACT, THOSE WHO DO EXPECT (between teeth): OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE UM SURPRISE.
SURPRISE.
GOOD, STOP, STOP STOP THERE.
WHEW! OUR CHIEF WEAPON IS SURPRISE.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
CARDINAL, READ THE CHARGES.
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED THAT YOU DID ON DIVERSE DATES COMMIT HERESY AGAINS THE HOLY CHURCH.
MY OLD MAN SAID THAT'S ENOUGH.
NOW HOW DO YOU PLEAD? WE'RE INNOCENT.
HA! WE'LL SOON CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT THAT! (laughter) FEAR, SURPRISE AND A MOST RUTHLESS OOH! NOW CARDINAL THE RACK! (laughter) YOU RIGHT.
TIE HER DOWN.
(laughing diabolically) RIGHT.
HOW DO YOU PLEAD? INNOCENT.
HA! RIGHT! CARDINAL GIVE THE RACK OH, DEAR.
GIVE THE RACK A TURN.
I I KNOW I KNOW YOU CAN'T.
I DIDN'T WAN TO SAY ANYTHING.
I JUST WANTED TO TRY AND IGNORE YOUR CRASS MISTAKE.
MAKES IT ALL SEEM SO STUPID.
SHALL I OH, GOD, JUST PRETEND, FOR GOD'S SAKE! (laughing diabolically) (laughter) (doorbell rings) AH, HELLO, YOU DON'T KNOW ME BUT I'M FROM THE B.
B.
C.
WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU'D COME AND ANSWER THE DOOR IN A SKETCH OVER THERE IN THAT SOR OF DIRECTION.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING JUST OPEN THE DOOR AND THAT'S IT.
OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT, YES.
JOLLY GOOD, COME THIS WAY.
FINE.
YES, WE'RE ON FILM AT THE MOMENT, YOU SEE? IT'S A LINK, IS IT? YES, THAT'S RIGHT, THAT SORT OF THING.
YES, A LINK.
IT'S ALL A BI ZANY, YOU KNOW A BIT MADCAP FUNSTER.
FRANKLY, I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF.
THE KIDS SEEM TO LIKE IT.
I MUCH PREFER DES O'CONNOR, OF COURSE ROLF HARRIS, TOM JONES, YOU KNOW.
(continues making small talk) (motor starts) (laughter) YOU DO A LOT OF THIS SORT OF THING, DO YOU? QUITE A LOT, YES, QUITE A LOT.
I'M MAINLY IN COMEDY.
I'D LIKE TO BE IN PROGRAM PLANNING, ACTUALLY, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, I'VE GOT A DEGREE.
(laughter) (doorbell rings) JOKE, SIR? GUARANTEED AMUSING.
AS USED BY THE CROWNED HEADS OF EUROPE.
HAS BROUGHT TEARS TO THE EYES OF ROYALTY.
"DENMARK HAS NEVER LAUGHED SO MUCH" "THE STAGE.
" NICE LITTLE NOVELTY NUMBER, A "NAUGHTY HUMPHREY.
" BREAKS THE ICE AT PARTIES.
PUT IT ON THE TABLE, PRESS THE BUTTON IT VOMITS.
(laughter) ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED, WITH REFILLS.
"BLACK SOAP.
" LEAVE IT IN THE BATHROOM THEY WASH THEIR HANDS, REAL FUNGUS GROWS ON THE FINGERS.
CAN'T GET IT OFF FOR HOURS.
GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT PARTIES.
FRIGHTEN THE ELDERLY REAL SNAKES.
COMEDY HERNIA KIT.
PLASTIC FLESH WOUNDS.
JUST KEEP YOUR FRIENDS IN STITCHES.
GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT PARTIES.
HOURS OF FUN WITH "HONEYMOON DELIGHT.
" EMPTY INTO THEIR BEDS REAL SKUNK JUICE.
THEY WON'T FORGE THEIR WEDDING NIGHT.
STICKS TO THE SKIN.
ABSOLUTELY WATERPROOF.
GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT PARTIES.
AMUSE YOUR FRIENDS.
C.
S.
GAS CANISTERS SMELLS, TASTES AND ACTS JUST LIKE THE REAL THING; CAN BLIND, MAIM OR KILL.
OR FOR DRINKS, WHY NO BUY A "WICKED WILLY" WITH A LIFE-SIZE WINKLE? SERVES WARM BEER.
MAKES REAL COCKTAILS.
HOURS OF AMUSEMENT.
OR GET THE NEW POOH-POOH MACHINE.
EMBARRASS YOUR GUESTS COMPLETELY AUTHENTIC SOUND.
OR WHY NOT TRY A NEW "NAUGHTY NIGHTIE"? PUT IT ON AND IT MELTS.
JUST WATCH THEIR FACES.
GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT NAUGHTY PARTIES.
GO ON, GO ON.
WHAT? DO THE PUNCH LINE.
WHAT PUNCH LINE? THE PUNCH LINE FOR THIS BIT.
I DON'T KNOW IT.
THEY DIDN' SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A PUNCH LINE.
OH! OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE I'LL BE SAYING GOOD-BYE THEN, SIR.
GOOD-BYE THEN, SIR.
(scattered laughter) (muttering as truck idles) WHAT'S THE PUNCH LINE? PUNCH LINE? I DON'T THINK THERE'S A PUNCH LINE SCHEDULED IS THERE? WHERE ARE WE? UH WEEK 39.
4 NO, IT'S FRIDAY, ISN'T IT? 39.
7 UH HERE WE ARE.
OH! (laughing) VERY GOOD.
(laughing) VERY GOOD.
WHAT A GOOD PUNCH LINE.
PITY WE MISSED THAT.
STILL, NEVER MIND.
WE CAN ALWAYS DO IT AGAIN.
MAKE A SERIES OUT OF IT.
NOW, IF YOU WOULD JUST SIGN THERE I'LL PUT THIS THROUGH TO OUR CONTRACTS DEPARTMEN AND YOU SHOULD BE HEARING FROM THEM IN A YEAR OR TWO.
CAN YOU GIVE ME A LIFT BACK? AH, CAN DO BUT WON'T.
WE WERE WONDERING IF WE COULD POSSIBLY BORROW YOUR HEAD FOR A PIECE OF ANIMATION.
WHAT? OH, JOLLY GOOD.
THANKS VERY, VERY MUCH.
(yells) YOU WILL GET EXPENSES.
(yelling) (sawing) (muffled screaming) (motor putt-putting) (ratcheting) (motor putt-putting) (whispering) Man: SERGEANT, SOMEHOW WE'VE GOT TO GE IN THERE AND GET IT.
Sergeant: I KNOW, SIR, BU IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT.
Man: YOU'LL NEED SOME SORT OF DIVERSION.
Sergeant: YES, SIR, BUT WHAT? WELL, WE COULD NO, NO, IT'S GOT TO BE NO, NOT RIGHT! WAIT! I'VE GOT IT! (cancan music playing) (suction breaking) WELL DONE, SOLDIER.
LOAD AND FIRE.
YES, SIR.
FIRE! (man yells) READY, AIM, FIRE! WE ARE NOT AMUSED.
(laughter) (horn toots) (horn toots) Man: HM HMM HMMM (man expressing increasing surprise) (man clearing throat) (clears throat again) GENTLEMEN OUR M.
P.
SAW THE P.
M.
THIS A.
M.
AND THE P.
M.
WANTS MORE L.
S.
D.
FROM THE P.
I.
B.
BY TOMORROW A.
M.
OR P.
M.
AT THE LATEST.
I TOLD THE P.
M.
'S P.
P.
S.
THAT A.
M.
WAS N.
B.
G.
SO TOMORROW P.
M.
IT IS FOR THE P.
M.
NEM.
CON.
GIVE US A FAG OR I'LL GO SPARE.
NOW THE FISCAL DEFICIT WITH REGARD TO THE MONETARY BALANCE THE CURRENT FINANCIAL YEAR, EXCLUDING INVISIBLE EXPORTS BUT ADJUSTED OF COURSE FOR SEASONAL VARIATIONS AND THE INCREMENTAL STATISTICS OF THE FISCAL AND REVENUE ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FORTHCOMING ANNUAL BUDGETARY PERIOD TERMINATING IN APRIL.
I THINK HE'S TALKING ABOUT TAXATION.
BRAVO, MADGE.
WELL DONE.
TAXATION IS INDEED THE VERY NUB OF MY GIST.
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING NEW TO TAX.
I UNDERSTOOD THAT.
IF I MIGHT PUT MY HEAD ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK SO YOU CAN KICK I AROUND A BIT, SIR MM-HMM.
WELL, MOS THINGS WE DO FOR PLEASURE NOWADAYS ARE TAXED EXCEPT ONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, SMOKING'S BEEN TAXED DRINKING'S BEEN TAXED BUT NOT UH THINGY.
(laughter) GOOD LORD.
YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING WE SHOULD TAX THINGY.
POO POOS? NO! THANK GOD FOR THAT.
EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.
(laughter) NO, NO, NO, THINGY! NUMBER ONES? NO THINGY! THINGY! OH! THINGY! WELL, IT'D CERTAINLY MAKE CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY A MUCH MORE INTERESTING JOB.
I WOULD PUT A TAX ON ALL PEOPLE WHO STAND IN WATER.
OH! (laughter) TO BOOST THE BRITISH ECONOMY I'D TAX ALL FOREIGNERS LIVING ABROAD.
(laughter) I WOULD TAX THE NUDE IN MY BED.
NO, NOT TAX WHAT IS THE WORD? (laughter) WELCOME.
I WOULD TAX RAQUEL WELCH AND I'VE A FEELING SHE'D TAX ME.
I WOULD BRING BACK HANGING AND GO INTO ROPE.
I WOULD CUT OFF THE MORE DISREPUTABLE PARTS OF THE BODY AND USE THE SPACE FOR PLAYING FIELDS.
I WOULD TAX HOLIDAY SNAPS.
(camera shutter clicks) THIS IS UNCLE TED IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE.
THIS IS UNCLE TED AT THE BACK OF THE HOUSE.
THIS IS UNCLE TED AT THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE.
THIS IS UNCLE TED BACK AGAIN AT THE FRON OF THE HOUSE BUT YOU CAN SEE THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE.
AND THIS IS UNCLE TED EVEN NEARER THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE BUT YOU CAN STILL SEE THE FRONT.
THIS IS THE BACK OF THE HOUSE WITH UNCLE TED COMING ROUND THE SIDE TO THE FRONT.
AND THIS IS THE SPANISH INQUISITION HIDING BEHIND THE COAL SHED.
OH, I DIDN'T EXPEC THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
(jarring chord plays) NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! (dramatic music plays) (chuckling diabolically) (laughter) HA! NOW, OLD WOMAN, YOU ARE ACCUSED OF HERESY ON THREE COUNTS: HERESY BY THOUGHT, HERESY BY WORD HERESY BY DEED AND HERESY BY ACTION.
FOUR COUNTS.
(laughter) DO YOU CONFESS? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M ACCUSED OF.
HA! HA! HA! THEN WE SHALL MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND! BIGGLES (laughter) FETCH THE CUSHIONS! (jarring chord plays) HERE THEY ARE, LORD.
NOW, OLD LADY, YOU HAVE ONE LAST CHANCE.
CONFESS TO THE HEINOUS SIN OF HERESY REJEC THE WORKS OF THE TWO LAST CHANCES AND YOU SHALL BE FREE.
THREE LAST CHANCES YOU HAVE THREE LAST CHANCES THE NATURE OF WHICH I HAVE DIVULGED IN MY PREVIOUS UTTERANCE.
I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
RIGHT! IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT! CARDINAL POKE HER WITH THE SOFT CUSHIONS! CONFESS! CONFESS! CONFESS! IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE HURTING HER, MY LORD.
HAVE YOU GOT ALL THE STUFFING UP ONE END? YES, LORD.
HMM, SHE IS MADE OF HARDER STUFF.
CARDINAL FANG FETCH THE COMFY CHAIR.
(jarring chord plays) THE COMFY CHAIR? YES.
(inquisitors laughing diabolically) SO, YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG BECAUSE YOU CAN SURVIVE THE SOFT CUSHIONS! WELL, WE SHALL SEE! BIGGLES, PUT HER IN THE COMFY CHAIR! NOW YOU WILL STAY IN THE COMFY CHAIR UNTIL LUNCH TIME WITH ONLY A CUP OF COFFEE AT 11:00.
IS THAT REALLY ALL IT IS? YES, LORD.
I SEE.
I SUPPOSE WE MAKE IT WORSE BY SHOUTING A LOT, DO WE? (laughter) (softly): CONFESS, WOMAN.
(louder): CONFESS! (still louder): CONFESS! (shouting): CONFESS! CONFESS! I CONFESS! NOT YOU! I CONFESS.
WHO WAS THAT? I CONFESS.
(buzzer) ("God Save the Queen" playing) I CONFESS.
(buzzer) ("God Save the Queen" playing) I CONFESS.
(buzzer) I CONFESS.
I CONFESS.
I CONFESS.
I CONFESS.
WELL, MADAM, I'M GLAD YOU'VE COME TO SEE ME.
AS A DOCTOR, I SHALL BE TRYING TO HELP YOU AND DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO ASSIST YOU IN ANY WAY I CAN.
OF COURSE, ANY (laughter) VERY HIGH STATE (laughter) COULD YOU REPEAT THAT? I'M A BIT DEAF.
NOW, THE B.
M.
A.
THE BRITISH MEDICAL ASSOCIATION LOUDER, PLEASE, I STILL CAN'T HEAR! I CONFESS! SPEAK UP, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! (all talking at once) Man (with American accent): NOW, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME ON THE SILVER SCREEN COMES THE FILM FROM TWO BOOKS THAT ONCE SHOCKED A GENERATION.
FROM EMILY BRONTE'S WUTHERING HEIGHTS AND FROM THE INTERNATIONAL GUIDE TO SEMAPHORE CODE 20th CENTURY VOLE PRESENTS THE SEMAPHORE VERSION OF WUTHERING HEIGHTS.
(laughter) (dramatic music playing) (laughter) (laughter) Man (with American accent): FROM THE PULSATING PAGES OF HISTORY FROM THE DARK AND FURIOUS DAYS OF IMPERIAL ROME WE BRING YOU A STORY THAT SHATTERED THE WORLD A TALE SO GRIPPING THAT THEY SAID IT COULD NOT BE FILMED A UNIQUE EVEN IN CINEMA HISTORY: JULIUS CAESAR ON AN ALDIS LAMP.
(laughter) (laughter) (laughter) FROM THE MAKERS OF GUNFIGH AT O.
K.
CORRAL IN MORSE CODE (laughter) AND THE SMOKE-SIGNAL VERSION OF GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES.
(laughter) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY HAVE YOU REACHED A VERDICT? WE HAVE, MY LORD.
AND HOW DO YOU FIND THE DEFENDANT? (laughter) TWO WORDS? FIRST WORD.
(laughter) ROPE, STRING POINT.
BELT.
TIE.
CRAVAT.
SILK SQUARE.
KNOT.
(courtroom applauds) SECOND WORD.
TWO SYLLABLES.
FIRST SYLLABLE.
(laughter) BIRD? SWIMMER.
BREASTSTROKE.
BRIAN PHELPS.
NO, NO, NO, HE WAS A DIVER! ESTHER WILLIAMS, THEN.
NO, NO, DON'T BE SILLY! HOW CAN YOU FIND SOMEONE "NOT ESTHER WILLIAMS"? FISH! FISH (gasping) WHEEZE FISH WHEEZE FISH BREATHE.
FISH BREATHE THROAT.
FISH BREATHE THROAT GILL! (applause) KNOT GILL SECOND SYLLABLE.
KNOT GILL DRINK.
SIP IMBIBE.
KNOT GILL CUP! KNOT GILLCUP! (laughter) YOU'VE BEEN FOUND KNOT GILLCUP OF THE CHARGES BROUGHT AGAINST YOU AND YOU MAY LEAVE THIS COURT A FREE MAN.
RIGHT, MY TURN.
FOUR WORDS.
FIRST WORD, SHOUT! BELLOW! CALL.
(applause) SECOND WORD IS VERY SMALL.
UM, "A.
" AN? UP.
THE.
(applause) CALL THE.
THIRD WORD.
GILL? FISH! ADAM'S APPLE! NECK! SOUNDS LIKE NECK! NEXT! CALL THE NEXT! (applause) FOURTH WORD, THREE SYLLABLES.
FIRST SYLLABLE.
EAR.
HEAR, CAN'T HEAR.
DEAF.
DEAF! CALL THE NEXT DEAF.
BOTTOM? SEAT.
TROUSER.
CHEEK.
END! CALL THE NEXT DEAF-END.
All: ANT! CALL THE NEX DEFENDANT! CALL THE NEXT DEFENDAN THE HONORABLE MR.
JUSTICE KILBRAKEN.
IF I MAY CHARGE YOU, MY LORD YOU ARE CHARGED, MY LORD THAT ON THE 14th DAY OF JUNE, 1970 AT THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL COUR YOU DID COMMIT ACTS LIKELY TO CAUSE A BREACH OF THE PEACE.
HOW PLEAD YOU, MY LORD, GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY? NOT GUILTY.
CASE NOT PROVEN, COURT ADJOURNED.
(laughter) Judge: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! NO, NO, NO! NO, YOU'RE IN THE DOCK, MY LORD.
I AM A JUDGE, MY LORD.
SO AM I, MY LORD, SO WATCH IT.
CALL THIS A COURT! CALL THIS A COURT! CALL THIS A COURT! CALL THIS A COURT! SHUT UP! RIGHT, NOW GET ON WITH THE SPIEL.
MY LORD, AND MY OTHER LORD THE PROSECUTION WILL ENDEAVOR TO SHOW, MY LORD, THAT MY LORD NOT YOU, MY LORD, THAT MY LORD, MY LORD WHILE PASSING SENTENCE AT THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL COUR BLOTTED HIS COPY BOOK.
CALL EXHIBIT "Q.
" "Q"? SORRY, DID I SAY "Q"? I MEANT "A.
" CALL EXHIBIT "A.
" CALL EXHIBIT "A"! EXHIBIT "A," MY LORD, MISS RITA THANG AN ARTIST'S MODEL, SWEDISH ACCORDION TEACHER AND CANE CHAIR SALESLADY WAS FOUND GUILTY UNDER THE RUDE BEHAVIOR AC IN THE ACCUSED'S COURT.
THE ACCUSED, MY LORD, SENTENCED HER "TO BE TAKEN FROM THIS PLACE AND BROUGHT ROUND TO HIS PLACE.
" (laughter) OBJECTION, MY LORD! OBJECTION SUSTAINED.
YOU SHUT UP! OBJECTION OVERRULED.
THE ACCUSED THEN COMMENTED ON MISS THANG'S BODILY STRUCTURE MADE SEVERAL NOT-AT-ALL LEGAL REMARKS ON THE SUBJECT OF FUN AND THEN PLACED HIS ROBES OVER HIS HEAD AND BEGAN TO EMIT LOW MOANS.
HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY IN YOUR DEFENSE? WELL, I HAVEN' HAD ANY FOR WEEKS.
OH, NO? WHAT ABOU THAT LITTLE NUMBER YOU'VE GOT TUCKED AWAY IN BELSIZE PARK? OH, I NEVER! OH, NO! ALL RIGHT, THEN, WHAT ABOUT 8-A WOODFORD SQUARE? YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THA AND I'LL DO YOU FOR TREASON.
UH, MY LORD, IF WE COULD CONTINUE.
HE'S GO A CHINESE BIT THERE.
NO, THAT'S CONTEMPT OF COURT! OH, IT'S ONLY A JOKE! CONTEMP OF COURT! HOWEVER, I'M NO GOING TO PUNISH YOU BECAUSE WE'RE SO SHOR OF JUDGES AT THE MOMEN WHAT WITH ALL OF THEM EMIGRATING TO SOUTH AFRICA.
I'M GOING TOMORROW, I'VE GOT MY TICKET.
GET OUT THERE AND GE SOME DECENT SENTENCING DONE.
OH, ENGLAND MAKES YOU SICK.
BEST I CAN MANAGE HERE IS LIFE IMPRISONMENT.
HARDLY WORTH COMING IN IN THE MORNING.
NOW, SOUTH AFRICA YOU'VE GOT YOUR CAT-O-NINE TAILS YOU'VE GOT FOUR DEATH SENTENCES A WEEK YOU'VE GOT CHEAP DRINKS, SLAVE LABOR AND A BOOMING STOCK MARKET.
I'M OFF, I TELL YOU.
YES, I'M UP TO HERE WITH PROBATION AND BLEEDING PSYCHIATRIC REPORTS.
THAT'S IT, I'M OFF.
THAT'S IT.
RIGHT, WELL, I'M GOING TO HAVE ONE FINAL FLING BEFORE I LEAVE SO I SENTENCE YOU TO BE BURNT AT THE STAKE.
BLIMEY, I DIDN'T EXPEC THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
(laughter) (dramatic music plays) TWO UH, THREE TO THE OLD BAILEY, PLEASE.
LOOK, THEY'VE STARTED THE CREDITS! HURRY, HURRY, HURRY! COME ON, HURRY! THERE'S THE LIGHTING CREDIT! ONLY FIVE LEFT! HELL, IT'S THE PRODUCER, QUICK! NOBODY EXPECTS THE OH, BUGGER! (laughter and applause)