Mr. Mayor (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

1 - Press conference today? - No, actually, I have to leave after the morning meeting, for a luncheon.
I'm on a 30 under 30 list.
Wow, "Forbes" 30 under 30? No, it's wrong time of year for "Forbes.
" You know, I was "Forbes" 30 under 30.
Okay, well this one is for women who are making a better Los Angeles.
"The 'She Absolutely Did That' 30 under 30".
Who sponsored this a women's magazine? No, a brand of canned rosé that used to be a women's magazine.
Well, this is an impressive list of honorees.
You've got a Goop chemist, TikTok appropriator.
Billie Eilish's veterinarian.
Her tarantula had a fungus, James.
Any idea if the mayor will be gracing us with his presence today, Ms.
Shaw? I have a proposal to run by him.
Oh, I also need 20 minutes at some point.
And I need to show the mayor some pants I bought.
I'm trying something new, and I need him to be on board.
Okay, well, he's pretty tied up today.
He asked Kathy to clear his morning for the I-Team.
And what are we, chopped liver? You know, I never understood that expression.
Chopped liver is delicious.
You get a three-foot baguette, couple inches of chopped liver on there, that's your morning.
Man, I love inside jokes.
- But I do not.
- Oh, this guy.
Sir, I don't know if you saw my latest email.
The subject line was "Email from Arpi.
" No, sorry, but speaking of the latest, the I-Team and I are working on something and we can't wait to get it off the ground.
Stop laughing, you're not part of it.
I am.
You don't know everything.
The mayor and I are working on a rapid transit solution for Dodger Stadium It's a gondola from Union Station, like at a ski resort.
Or a theme park.
Sometimes a gondola is the fastest way to be transported back to the parking lot when your T-shirt's inappropriate.
Gondolas, okay.
I look forward to seeing that in the year 3000 and never.
Actually, Arpi, we think it'll be ready for the Olympics.
Tomorrow, James and I are gonna take the helicopter for an exploratory trip with the director of city planning.
I should be wearing a leather jacket for that, right? Oh, you could wear a ball gown if you want.
We're just excited to have a mayor who will listen.
Do you need anything before I take off, sir? Remember, Salad Works is the place that you like.
The Salad Mill is a dance club for gentlemen.
Right.
Hey, quick question.
I'm good at reading people.
Back at my billboard company, I predicted so many divorces.
Was the morning meeting a little tense? Yeah, sir.
You may not get this since Orly is an only child, but when parents have a second kid, the older one can sometimes resent the attention that the baby gets.
And here at work, there's a new baby.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Are you talking about the I-Team? And what, the rest of my staff's a bunch of jealous toddlers? Arpi shops at GapKids, and Jayden is pretty afraid of haircuts.
You're doing a lot of special things with the new kids inside jokes and helicopter rides.
It's so weird for me to think of a helicopter ride as special, but okay, I will block off the afternoon for some adult fun with my colleagues.
You cannot word it that way in the public calendar, - but thank you.
- I know.
And just to be clear, I don't need that kind of validation because I'm getting a trophy today for being a really good girl.
It is such an honor to be here with all of these other amazing women chosen by Boss Betch Rose.
I wanna thank all of the girlboss hoes on the nominating committee for recognizing the epic work that our administration has done for the less privileged.
On our watch, for the first time in this She-llenium yeah, I said it the homeless count has not gone up.
Of course, there's more work to be done.
But thanks to my initiative to turn all of the abandoned Souplantations into shelters for the unhoused, we flattened the curve.
Curves flattening curves.
Am I right, ladies? Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
It's fine.
Usually people just keep walking or skateboarding or filming their walk-and-talk for "NCIS".
- What's your name? - Teri.
That is a really beautiful name.
- Okay.
- You know, Teri, this city offers a lot of great services for people experiencing homelessness.
And if you'd like, I can bring you to one of our new shelters.
Sure.
Look at that.
Isn't this beautiful? Good Lord, I thought you were joking.
You really took us to a golf course? Arpi, in my world, this is a sign of respect.
This club is very special to me.
Listen to that.
That is the sound of planes not being allowed within 10 miles of this course.
Yeah.
I'll wait in the car.
Oh, come on Arpi.
This is gonna be fun.
Come on, let's get you geared up.
Right behind you, sir.
Arpi, do you not see the opportunity here? Yeah, if this is at all like "Caddyshack," we're gonna see gophers.
Will they be dancing around like in the movie? Probably not, I'm sorry.
No, when my college roommates didn't invite me to go golfing, they were gone for five or six hours.
We're gonna get a huge chunk of alone time with Neil.
No I-Team in sight.
I promised myself I would never pick up a golf club unless I was breaking the windshield of an unfaithful lover.
But let's do this.
Make sure you tell them that the mayor's office sent you.
Oh, here take this swag bag, too.
Wow.
Pop Chips, an issue of "In Style," oh, and a coupon for a couple's massage at the W Hotel in Miami.
So loved getting to know you, Teri.
Same.
Have so much fun! Huh, so that's why "C" is for "corpse".
Well-played, Sue Grafton.
There you go.
That's better.
My socks feel weird.
You can't take 'em off, Jayden.
We're just walking and talking, and it's so hot.
Come on, don't do that.
Sir, while Jayden is dying, maybe I can show you something.
This is a demo for an app I've been developing that tells tourists about the history of their parking spot.
Wouldn't you pay extra to park in the same spot where Dr.
Harry Dalton as played by Pierce Brosnan parked before he talked to the army men in "Dante's Peak"? Why can't I get internet here? Because we're on a golf course.
Jayden, get up! Good thing.
I'm all analog, sir.
Do you know how much money diarrhea cost the city every year? That's why I want to tackle M.
U.
D.
Okay, stop.
For several reasons.
It's evocative, I know.
It's gonna make a great hashtag.
Arpi, this is a private club.
We can't discuss work here What, then why would you bring us to this hellhole of white privilege? Hey, first of all, our treasurer is diverse.
And I was just trying to do something special with you guys.
You know, share something that I haven't even shared with my tax guy.
And thanks to him, I made negative $10,000 last year.
I have a bar! Sir, sir, sir! I can show you my thing I made! I told you to put that away.
There are no electronics on this course.
You looked at your phone.
Hey do as I say, not as I do, Orly Arpi, I mean.
Is there something on my neck? Ow.
What? You're sunburned.
Can't you guys not even put on sunscreen? I did.
Don't yell at me 'cause you're mad at him.
Arpi, Arpi! Hey, don't ignore me! I learned it from watching you.
- Ow! - Oh, my God.
You guys are acting like - children.
- It feels spicy! Well, you were right.
The staff is jealous, and they're regressing.
On the ride home, Arpi gave me the silent treatment and Jayden got so worked up he threw up as Go-Gurt.
Yeah, and now the other kids have heard about your golf outing, and they're acting out.
What do you mean? Valerie, that's not where that goes, young lady.
Hey, Luis! That's not who we are! All right, all right.
What are we supposed to do now? We? Oh, yeah, sir, I wish I could help you, but I've decided to play the role of "cool auntie," and just throw you under the bus.
- Dan, get the car.
- Where are you going? I'm handling this situation the way my father would've.
I'm going for a drive.
And when I get back, I will be a little drunk and ranting about how there are too many TV channels now.
It's still true, by the way.
You know, I took a closer look - at the brochure.
- Oh, my God, obsessed.
My picture is good though, right? It was my idea to lean in that doorway.
Sure, uh, look, I just didn't realize that you got the award for "flattening the homelessness curve".
Mm-hmm, not all heroes wear capes.
Although I did just order a cape from ASOS.
Return it.
Don't even open the box.
Look, I didn't necessarily want to tell you this today, but my team has been cleaning up data from the past year and the city's homeless count was a mess - What? - Look, I'm happy to share the data inconsistencies with you, because they definitely suggest that the unhoused population went up.
Wow, I can't tell if you're just desperate to convince Neil that you're more useful than me, or if you just can't stand that I got an award that isn't just for corporate sellouts.
Malala was on the same list with me.
Well, the creative exec who runs her production shingle was on mine, okay? Arpi? Arpi, the I- is trying to claim that our homeless count was off.
Is this all how you consulting groans know how to do? Regurgitate things other people have been saying forever? Wait you agree with James? No, Arpi, he's the villain here.
Oh, come on, I am a good guy.
I haven't said anything about how that award misspelled "absolutely.
" Oh, come The homeless count is never right.
L.
A.
doesn't have the resources to recruit, train, or equip enough volunteers for a proper count.
So the city took a page from New York The "Flavor of Love" contestant.
You mean the city.
New York City.
Okay.
I'm starting to feel this fifth can.
NYC conducts its homeless count on the coldest night of the year, when the fewest people are actually on the street.
But since L.
A.
is never that cold, DHS decided our count would be on Oscar night.
The day L.
A.
moves all the unhoused people who live near the red carpet to the city of Glendale.
And potential volunteers are all stuck at home with Oscar fever.
Seriously, Mikaela, you thought in the 21st century, in Los Angeles, homelessness didn't go up? But, but I got a trophy And you "absotudely" don't deserve it.
I'll be on the roof.
Not feeling this ice cold rosé through my stolen golf glove.
Wait a second.
Teri? Why why aren't you at the shelter? Um, I don't love shelters.
They're not that safe.
And the curfew so early, it's dehumanizing.
But we got rid of the Souplantation smell.
Oh, you really didn't.
I spent the night in one of those shelters the other week and I'm still like, "Where's the Italian wedding?" Around here, I know the other people and the store owners.
Sometimes, when I buy a coffee from 7-Eleven, they throw in a bag of chips.
You know Lay's made a special edition tuna casserole chip? - Who voted for that? - Okay.
But if you didn't want to stay, why did you let me take you? I mean, it seemed important to you to help me.
Like maybe you needed to "make a difference"? No judgment.
No, I I make a difference.
I got L.
A.
to put Malin+Goetz products in the mobile showers on the Plaza, so Smelling like grapefruit and sandalwood will definitely pay for my mom's meds and get me my job back.
Well, I will make a difference.
I'm gonna earn that award.
You got an award? Hey, congrats! What's it for? Good for her.
Hi, honey.
Hey, Dad, do you know why we have two Hulu accounts? Uh, that makes it premium, I think.
Hey, while I got you, how do you imagine you would react if you suddenly had a baby sibling? What? Dad, ew! What? Oh, no, sorry, sorry.
I'm not having a person baby.
I have a work baby.
Her name is "The Innovation Team.
" And I'm worried that my older work children are feeling ignored.
- That makes sense? - Like how Ceviche started pulling her eyebrows out after her sister Landline was born.
She's named after her grandmother's phone.
Oh, so what did Ceviche's parents do to fix it? - She got eyebrow plugs.
- No, no, I mean, emotionally.
Oh, well, they spent one special day a month where she gets to decide what they do.
They call it Yes Day.
She usually picks something like a piercing or an ironic trip to a strip club.
And she's much happier now.
Let the kid pick what they wanna do.
Of course.
Thank you.
Oh, I see why we have two Hulu's.
We were both trying to watch "Normal People" in secret.
- No, no, I haven't - Bye, Dad.
I haven't watched ah, who cares? - Whatever we want? - Yes, I'm serious.
Tomorrow, we will do whatever you want.
Seafood tower, in-office masseuse.
There's this married couple who will make up a whole musical just about us.
We wanna pitch our ideas to you.
You sure? 'Cause that music couples sure had a lot - of great looking wigs.
- No, she's right, sir.
But I will take the card for the husband and wife make 'em ups.
I'm planning my cousin's bachelor party, so Okay, listen up, everybody, Tomorrow, my door is officially open.
Any City Hall employee can come pitch me one new idea that will improve L.
A.
Because you are all very special to me.
Ooh, it's like "Big Block of Cheese Day" - from the "West Wing.
" - Yeah, or "Shark Tank.
" Ooh, that Barbara Corcoran.
Ha-chi-cha-chi, am I right? Oh, thanks for coming in early.
No sweat.
I keep my sleep schedule two hours ahead of time in case - I ever take a trip to Chicago.
- Great.
Well, I spent all night dreaming of new bold ideas for how to solve the homelessness crisis.
"Solve".
Okay, hotshot.
Well if it's all a housing cost issue, we can just raise the minimum wage To keep up with inflation.
We need to raise it to $47 an hour.
- What else you got? - Okay.
Um, we could build more single room occupancy units NIMBY.
Angelenos don't want 'em in their backyards.
Community boards block that every time we try it.
Next.
Then declare a state of emergency Those are just for show.
Don't give us extra funding or power.
Okay.
Give everyone Equinox memberships.
And clear everybody out by 5:00 AM for "Best Butt Ever"? Let them live on failed sitcom sets The kitchens don't work, and it's hard to get rid of Patti Heaton vibes.
Mattresses made out of thrown-out wigs from Hamburger Mary's Ms.
Shaw, we tried all these.
The quick fix solutions never get anywhere because the city won't admit how bad the problem even is.
This is just so demoralizing.
I know it's a heavy issue, which is why network comedy shouldn't even go there.
Some problems have an easy solution.
I picked my haircut 40 years ago and never looked back.
But others? You just got to be in the fight for the long haul.
I'm gonna run for chancellor.
Yeah! Excited for the day, Mr.
Mayor.
To keep you from playing games on your phone, I asked Orly to help me change your lock screen.
- Gah! - "Gah," indeed, sir.
Arpi, I want you to know that I am fully committed to this.
Well, let's start with an easy one.
How many work hours a year does the average Angelino lose to preventable diarrhea? Let's take a look.
No, no, no.
As you can see, there's some historical parking spots right here in your City Hall.
Go ahead and click on one, sir.
"This is where Bill Hollywood came up with the idea that movies should suck.
" Okay, you know what, I asked Bryce the intern to help me with this, and I guess he had some fun at my expense "During the 1932 Los Angeles Olympics, this is where Tommy Tomas farted himself to death.
" Bryce, I will be telling Tulane about this! Thus, I feel it is time for the Hollywood sign to be bigger so people can read what those letters say.
Ah.
L.
A.
needs an official song.
Now, it'll have to be proceeded by a warning because I sing in a register that can trigger seizures.
We gotta bring tourists back into our hotels.
Couldn't agree more.
So let's make it a law that no more relatives can stay at my house, okay? I'll consider it, Sophia.
I think the mayor should let the driver choose the music.
- Okay.
- How's everybody doing today? Good? So here's an idea.
We harness the energy of women swiping me left on Tinder.
Luis, is this a real idea, or are you just working on your stand up? Well, it's not getting any laughs, so uh, real idea, I guess.
What else? What else? Bumble? More like humble.
Hey, so I took a look over the unhoused numbers that you sent, and I think that they might in fact be a mess.
Huh.
It's almost as if you're saying that I was right.
Okay, don't test me, James.
Your mom's Facebook is public and I've already saved a video of you as the only boy in a tap show.
Okay, okay.
Withdrawn.
Look, I get that the situation is worse than when we arrived, and I might not have a quick fix for that.
but I think if we're going to be persistent about it, we first need to get a real accurate count, and I need the I- to help me with that.
Oh, okay.
Great.
But you do realize that if we get a truly accurate count, we're not gonna get any praise.
You know, if anything, it's just gonna make people more More furious with us? Yeah.
I'm familiar with how ugly social media can be.
I posted a picture of myself in the cape that I bought and I trended briefly as "Lady Farquaad.
" Wow, that's an old reference.
Well, don't worry.
I got you.
Uh, I mean, we got you.
Well, thank you, And I look forward to working with you as well.
Ooh-whoo! Sorry, I was watching the "Saved By The Bell" reboot on my phone.
Yeah.
Thank you, Stephen.
I'm not sure how dating your mom would help the city, but she seems like a lovely woman I will certainly keep her number on file.
Nice work, Stephen.
Chopper's on the roof, boss.
That's it! That's this year's staff t-shirt.
Whoa, whoa.
Where are you going, sir? Arpi, I've been here for four hours.
I can't use any of these ideas.
It doesn't matter.
It's Yes Day, and you promised your children.
Jayden's not going to be 41 forever.
Okay, Kwapis, let's hear your pitch.
Great.
Actually, I have ten pitches - You can do one - Four? - One.
- 29? - One.
- Fine.
I wrote it out.
"I get sad when we all fight.
I think siblings should be nice to their siblings and share things with them.
" Sure.
Yeah.
And that's your pitch for the City of Los Angeles? Yes, I say we invite all of L.
A.
's sister cities to visit because then we can all share ideas.
Athens has dealt with smog and hosting a recent Olympics.
Auckland is a leader in gun control and green tech.
And Split, Croatia? That's where "Game of Thrones" filmed dragon stuff.
It is time that L.
A.
got to know its 25 sisters and they got to know their one brother.
Because L.
A.
is a boy.
Jayden that's actually great.
It's global, and it shows our commitment to new ideas.
And, frankly, unlike most I-Team ideas, we could probably do it by the end of the year.
Almost makes me want to hear your other 28 pitches.
Idea number two, City Lizard.
It's like City Bike but with lizards, for Angelenos whose moms are lizard-reluctant.
Okay, thank you.
Teri.
Oh, how are you the hardest part of my day? Teri, I just wanted to apologize for overlooking the problems in the shelter and to let you know that we're gonna get a true, accurate count of the unhoused population.
It won't fix everything, but it's the first step towards real solutions.
Cool.
So is this the part in your movie where that KT Tunstall song starts to play? Yeah, you know what? I was lying before.
Teri isn't that pretty of a name.
Thank you for that.
- For what? - You didn't patronize me.
I miss people feeling comfortable to be low-stakes petty around me.
Oh, low-stakes petty is where I reside.
Can I tell you how much I hate my sister's baby? If you buy me Sweetgreen.
- Okay, deal.
- Okay.
So the second that I got this job, she took her first steps, and apparently it was "early for her age".
Okay, Vivian, I see you.
Also, she stays acting like she can't pronounce my name.
She calls me G-boo.
That's not even close.
G-boo? My name is Mikaela.
Yeah, I'm also going to be needing - a jasmine lemonade, G-boo.
- Totally.
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night!